ACTISCENEI。Windsor。BeforePAGE’shouse。EnterSHALLOW，SLENDER，andSIRHUGHEVANSSHALLOWSirHugh，persuademenot；IwillmakeaStar—
chambermatterofit：ifheweretwentySirJohnFalstaffs，heshallnotabuseRobertShallow，esquire。SLENDERInthecountyofGloucester，justiceofpeaceand’Coram。’SHALLOWAy，cousinSlender，and’Custalourum。SLENDERAy，and’Rato—lorum’too；andagentlemanborn，masterparson；whowriteshimself’Armigero，’inanybill，warrant，quittance，orobligation，’Armigero。’SHALLOWAy，thatIdo；andhavedoneanytimethesethreehundredyears。SLENDERAllhissuccessorsgonebeforehimhathdone’t；andallhisancestorsthatcomeafterhimmay：theymaygivethedozenwhitelucesintheircoat。SHALLOWItisanoldcoat。SIRHUGHEVANSThedozenwhitelousesdobecomeanoldcoatwell；
itagreeswell，passant；itisafamiliarbeasttoman，andsignifieslove。SHALLOWTheluceisthefreshfish；thesaltfishisanoldcoat。SLENDERImayquarter，coz。SHALLOWYoumay，bymarrying。SIRHUGHEVANSItismarringindeed，ifhequarterit。SHALLOWNotawhit。SIRHUGHEVANSYes，py’rlady；ifhehasaquarterofyourcoat，thereisbutthreeskirtsforyourself，inmysimpleconjectures：butthatisallone。IfSirJohnFalstaffhavecommitteddisparagementsuntoyou，Iamofthechurch，andwillbegladtodomybenevolencetomakeatonementsandcompremisesbetweenyou。SHALLOWThecouncilshallbearit；itisariot。SIRHUGHEVANSItisnotmeetthecouncilhearariot；
thereisnofearofGotinariot：thecouncil，lookyou，shalldesiretohearthefearofGot，andnottohearariot；takeyourvizamentsinthat。SHALLOWHa!o’mylife，ifIwereyoungagain，theswordshouldendit。SIRHUGHEVANSItispetterthatfriendsisthesword，andendit：
andthereisalsoanotherdeviceinmyprain，whichperadventurepringsgootdiscretionswithit：
thereisAnnePage，whichisdaughtertoMasterThomasPage，whichisprettyvirginity。SLENDERMistressAnnePage？Shehasbrownhair，andspeakssmalllikeawoman。SIRHUGHEVANSItisthatferypersonforalltheorld，asjustasyouwilldesire；andsevenhundredpoundsofmoneys，andgoldandsilver，ishergrandsireuponhisdeath’s—bed——Gotdelivertoajoyfulresurrections!
——give，whensheisabletoovertakeseventeenyearsold：itwereagootmotionifweleaveourpribblesandprabbles，anddesireamarriagebetweenMasterAbrahamandMistressAnnePage。SLENDERDidhergrandsireleavehersevenhundredpound？SIRHUGHEVANSAy，andherfatherismakeherapetterpenny。SLENDERIknowtheyounggentlewoman；shehasgoodgifts。SIRHUGHEVANSSevenhundredpoundsandpossibilitiesisgootgifts。SHALLOWWell，letusseehonestMasterPage。IsFalstaffthere？SIRHUGHEVANSShallItellyoualie？IdodespisealiarasIdodespiseonethatisfalse，orasIdespiseonethatisnottrue。Theknight，SirJohn，isthere；and，I
beseechyou，beruledbyyourwell—willers。I
willpeatthedoorforMasterPage。
KnocksWhat，hoa!Gotplessyourhousehere!PAGE[Within]Who’sthere？
EnterPAGESIRHUGHEVANSHereisGot’splessing，andyourfriend，andJusticeShallow；andhereyoungMasterSlender，thatperadventuresshalltellyouanothertale，ifmattersgrowtoyourlikings。PAGEIamgladtoseeyourworshipswell。
Ithankyouformyvenison，MasterShallow。SHALLOWMasterPage，Iamgladtoseeyou：muchgooddoityourgoodheart!Iwishedyourvenisonbetter；
itwasillkilled。HowdothgoodMistressPage？——andI
thankyoualwayswithmyheart，la!withmyheart。PAGESir，Ithankyou。SHALLOWSir，Ithankyou；byyeaandno，Ido。PAGEIamgladtoseeyou，goodMasterSlender。SLENDERHowdoesyourfallowgreyhound，sir？I
heardsayhewasoutrunonCotsall。PAGEItcouldnotbejudged，sir。SLENDERYou’llnotconfess，you’llnotconfess。SHALLOWThathewillnot。’Tisyourfault，’tisyourfault；
’tisagooddog。PAGEAcur，sir。SHALLOWSir，he’sagooddog，andafairdog：
cantherebemoresaid？heisgoodandfair。IsSirJohnFalstaffhere？PAGESir，heiswithin；andIwouldIcoulddoagoodofficebetweenyou。SIRHUGHEVANSItisspokeasaChristiansoughttospeak。SHALLOWHehathwrongedme，MasterPage。PAGESir，hedothinsomesortconfessit。SHALLOWIfitbeconfessed，itisnotredress’d：
isnotthatso，MasterPage？Hehathwrongedme；indeedhehath，ataword，hehath，believeme：RobertShallow，esquire，saith，heiswronged。PAGEHerecomesSirJohn。
EnterFALSTAFF，BARDOLPH，NYM，andPISTOLFALSTAFFNow，MasterShallow，you’llcomplainofmetotheking？SHALLOWKnight，youhavebeatenmymen，killedmydeer，andbrokeopenmylodge。FALSTAFFButnotkissedyourkeeper’sdaughter？SHALLOWTut，apin!thisshallbeanswered。FALSTAFFIwillansweritstraight；Ihavedoneallthis。
Thatisnowanswered。SHALLOWThecouncilshallknowthis。FALSTAFF’Twerebetterforyouifitwereknownincounsel：
you’llbelaughedat。SIRHUGHEVANSPaucaverba，SirJohn；gootworts。FALSTAFFGoodworts!goodcabbage。Slender，I
brokeyourhead：whatmatterhaveyouagainstme？SLENDERMarry，sir，Ihavematterinmyheadagainstyou；
andagainstyourcony—catchingrascals，Bardolph，Nym，andPistol。BARDOLPHYouBanburycheese!SLENDERAy，itisnomatter。PISTOLHownow，Mephostophilus!SLENDERAy，itisnomatter。NYMSlice，Isay!pauca，pauca：slice!that’smyhumour。SLENDERWhere’sSimple，myman？Canyoutell，cousin？SIRHUGHEVANSPeace，Iprayyou。Nowletusunderstand。
Thereisthreeumpiresinthismatter，asIunderstand；
thatis，MasterPage，fidelicetMasterPage；andthereismyself，fidelicetmyself；andthethreepartyis，lastlyandfinally，minehostoftheGarter。PAGEWethree，tohearitandenditbetweenthem。SIRHUGHEVANSFerygoot：Iwillmakeapriefofitinmynote—
book；andwewillafterwardsorkuponthecausewithasgreatdiscreetlyaswecan。FALSTAFFPistol!PISTOLHehearswithears。SIRHUGHEVANSThetevilandhistam!whatphraseisthis，’Hehearswithear’？why，itisaffectations。FALSTAFFPistol，didyoupickMasterSlender’spurse？SLENDERAy，bythesegloves，didhe，orIwouldImightnevercomeinmineowngreatchamberagainelse，ofsevengroatsinmill—sixpences，andtwoEdwardshovel—boards，thatcostmetwoshillingandtwopenceapieceofYeadMiller，bythesegloves。FALSTAFFIsthistrue，Pistol？SIRHUGHEVANSNo；itisfalse，ifitisapick—purse。PISTOLHa，thoumountain—foreigner!SirJohnandMastermine，Icombatchallengeofthislattenbilbo。
Wordofdenialinthylabrashere!
Wordofdenial：frothandscum，thouliest!SLENDERBythesegloves，then，’twashe。NYMBeavised，sir，andpassgoodhumours：
Iwillsay’marrytrap’withyou，ifyourunthenuthook’shumouronme；thatistheverynoteofit。SLENDERBythishat，then，heintheredfacehadit；forthoughIcannotrememberwhatIdidwhenyoumademedrunk，yetIamnotaltogetheranass。FALSTAFFWhatsayyou，ScarletandJohn？BARDOLPHWhy，sir，formypartIsaythegentlemanhaddrunkhimselfoutofhisfivesentences。SIRHUGHEVANSItishisfivesenses：fie，whattheignoranceis!BARDOLPHAndbeingfap，sir，was，astheysay，cashiered；andsoconclusionspassedthecareires。SLENDERAy，youspakeinLatinthentoo；but’tisnomatter：I’llne’erbedrunkwhilstIliveagain，butinhonest，civil，godlycompany，forthistrick：
ifIbedrunk，I’llbedrunkwiththosethathavethefearofGod，andnotwithdrunkenknaves。SIRHUGHEVANSSoGotudgeme，thatisavirtuousmind。FALSTAFFYouhearallthesemattersdenied，gentlemen；
youhearit。
EnterANNEPAGE，withwine；MISTRESSFORDandMISTRESSPAGE，followingPAGENay，daughter，carrythewinein；we’lldrinkwithin。
ExitANNEPAGESLENDEROheaven!thisisMistressAnnePage。PAGEHownow，MistressFord!FALSTAFFMistressFord，bymytroth，youareverywellmet：
byyourleave，goodmistress。
KissesherPAGEWife，bidthesegentlemenwelcome。Come，wehaveahotvenisonpastytodinner：come，gentlemen，Ihopeweshalldrinkdownallunkindness。
ExeuntallexceptSHALLOW，SLENDER，andSIRHUGHEVANSSLENDERIhadratherthanfortyshillingsIhadmyBookofSongsandSonnetshere。
EnterSIMPLE
Hownow，Simple!wherehaveyoubeen？Imustwaitonmyself，mustI？YouhavenottheBookofRiddlesaboutyou，haveyou？SIMPLEBookofRiddles!why，didyounotlendittoAliceShortcakeuponAll—hallowmaslast，afortnightaforeMichaelmas？SHALLOWCome，coz；come，coz；westayforyou。
Awordwithyou，coz；marry，this，coz：thereis，as’twere，atender，akindoftender，madeafaroffbySirHughhere。Doyouunderstandme？SLENDERAy，sir，youshallfindmereasonable；
ifitbeso，Ishalldothatthatisreason。SHALLOWNay，butunderstandme。SLENDERSoIdo，sir。SIRHUGHEVANSGiveeartohismotions，MasterSlender：
Iwilldescriptionthemattertoyou，ifyoubecapacityofit。SLENDERNay，IwilldoasmycousinShallowsays：
Iprayyou，pardonme；he’sajusticeofpeaceinhiscountry，simplethoughIstandhere。SIRHUGHEVANSButthatisnotthequestion：thequestionisconcerningyourmarriage。SHALLOWAy，there’sthepoint，sir。SIRHUGHEVANSMarry，isit；theverypointofit；toMistressAnnePage。SLENDERWhy，ifitbeso，Iwillmarryheruponanyreasonabledemands。SIRHUGHEVANSButcanyouaffectionthe’oman？Letuscommandtoknowthatofyourmouthorofyourlips；fordiversphilosophersholdthatthelipsisparcelofthemouth。Therefore，precisely，canyoucarryyourgoodwilltothemaid？SHALLOWCousinAbrahamSlender，canyouloveher？SLENDERIhope，sir，Iwilldoasitshallbecomeonethatwoulddoreason。SIRHUGHEVANSNay，Got’slordsandhisladies!youmustspeakpossitable，ifyoucancarryheryourdesirestowardsher。SHALLOWThatyoumust。Willyou，upongooddowry，marryher？SLENDERIwilldoagreaterthingthanthat，uponyourrequest，cousin，inanyreason。SHALLOWNay，conceiveme，conceiveme，sweetcoz：whatIdoistopleasureyou，coz。Canyoulovethemaid？SLENDERIwillmarryher，sir，atyourrequest：
butiftherebenogreatloveinthebeginning，yetheavenmaydecreaseituponbetteracquaintance，whenwearemarriedandhavemoreoccasiontoknowoneanother；
Ihope，uponfamiliaritywillgrowmorecontempt：
butifyousay，’Marryher，’Iwillmarryher；
thatIamfreelydissolved，anddissolutely。SIRHUGHEVANSItisaferydiscretionanswer；savethefallisintheort’dissolutely：’theortis，accordingtoourmeaning，’resolutely：’hismeaningisgood。SHALLOWAy，Ithinkmycousinmeantwell。SLENDERAy，orelseIwouldImightbehanged，la!SHALLOWHerecomesfairMistressAnne。
Re—enterANNEPAGE
WouldIwereyoungforyoursake，MistressAnne!ANNEPAGEThedinnerisonthetable；myfatherdesiresyourworships’company。SHALLOWIwillwaitonhim，fairMistressAnne。SIRHUGHEVANSOd’splessedwill!Iwillnotbeabsenceatthegrace。
ExeuntSHALLOWandSIRHUGHEVANSANNEPAGEWill’tpleaseyourworshiptocomein，sir？SLENDERNo，Ithankyou，forsooth，heartily；
Iamverywell。ANNEPAGEThedinnerattendsyou，sir。SLENDERIamnota—hungry，Ithankyou，forsooth。
Go，sirrah，forallyouaremyman，gowaituponmycousinShallow。
ExitSIMPLE
Ajusticeofpeacesometimesmaybebeholdingtohisfriendforaman。Ikeepbutthreemenandaboyyet，tillmymotherbedead：butwhatthough？
YetI
livelikeapoorgentlemanborn。ANNEPAGEImaynotgoinwithoutyourworship：
theywillnotsittillyoucome。SLENDERI’faith，I’lleatnothing；IthankyouasmuchasthoughIdid。ANNEPAGEIprayyou，sir，walkin。SLENDERIhadratherwalkhere，Ithankyou。
Ibruisedmyshinth’otherdaywithplayingatswordanddaggerwithamasteroffence；threeveneysforadishofstewedprunes；and，bymytroth，Icannotabidethesmellofhotmeatsince。Whydoyourdogsbarkso？betherebearsi’thetown？ANNEPAGEIthinkthereare，sir；Iheardthemtalkedof。SLENDERIlovethesportwellbutIshallassoonquarrelatitasanymaninEngland。Youareafraid，ifyouseethebearloose，areyounot？ANNEPAGEAy，indeed，sir。SLENDERThat’smeatanddrinktome，now。IhaveseenSackersonloosetwentytimes，andhavetakenhimbythechain；but，Iwarrantyou，thewomenhavesocriedandshriekedatit，thatitpassed：butwomen，indeed，cannotabide’em；theyareveryill—favoredroughthings。
Re—enterPAGEPAGECome，gentleMasterSlender，come；westayforyou。SLENDERI’lleatnothing，Ithankyou，sir。PAGEBycockandpie，youshallnotchoose，sir!come，come。SLENDERNay，prayyou，leadtheway。PAGEComeon，sir。SLENDERMistressAnne，yourselfshallgofirst。ANNEPAGENotI，sir；prayyou，keepon。SLENDERI’llratherbeunmannerlythantroublesome。
Youdoyourselfwrong，indeed，la!
ExeuntSCENEII。Thesame。EnterSIRHUGHEVANSandSIMPLESIRHUGHEVANSGoyourways，andaskofDoctorCaius’
housewhichistheway：andtheredwellsoneMistressQuickly，whichisinthemannerofhisnurse，orhisdrynurse，orhiscook，orhislaundry，hiswasher，andhiswringer。SIMPLEWell，sir。SIRHUGHEVANSNay，itispetteryet。Giveherthisletter；
foritisa’omanthataltogether’sacquaintancewithMistressAnnePage：andtheletteris，todesireandrequirehertosolicityourmaster’sdesirestoMistressAnnePage。Iprayyou，begone：Iwillmakeanendofmydinner；there’spippinsandcheesetocome。
ExeuntSCENEIII。AroomintheGarterInn。EnterFALSTAFF，Host，BARDOLPH，NYM，PISTOL，andROBINFALSTAFFMinehostoftheGarter!HostWhatsaysmybully—rook？speakscholarlyandwisely。FALSTAFFTruly，minehost，Imustturnawaysomeofmyfollowers。HostDiscard，bullyHercules；cashier：letthemwag；trot，trot。FALSTAFFIsitattenpoundsaweek。HostThou’rtanemperor，Caesar，Keisar，andPheezar。I
willentertainBardolph；heshalldraw，heshalltap：saidIwell，bullyHector？FALSTAFFDoso，goodminehost。HostIhavespoke；lethimfollow。
ToBARDOLPH
Letmeseetheefrothandlime：Iamataword；
follow。
ExitFALSTAFFBardolph，followhim。Atapsterisagoodtrade：
anoldcloakmakesanewjerkin；awitheredserving—manafreshtapster。Go；adieu。BARDOLPHItisalifethatIhavedesired：Iwillthrive。PISTOLObaseHungarianwight!wiltthouthespigotwield？
ExitBARDOLPHNYMHewasgottenindrink：isnotthehumourconceited？FALSTAFFIamgladIamsoacquitofthistinderbox：
histheftsweretooopen；hisfilchingwaslikeanunskilfulsinger；hekeptnottime。NYMThegoodhumouristostealataminute’srest。PISTOL’Convey，’thewiseitcall。’Steal!’foh!
aficoforthephrase!FALSTAFFWell，sirs，Iamalmostoutatheels。PISTOLWhy，then，letkibesensue。FALSTAFFThereisnoremedy；Imustcony—catch；
Imustshift。PISTOLYoungravensmusthavefood。FALSTAFFWhichofyouknowFordofthistown？PISTOLIkenthewight：heisofsubstancegood。FALSTAFFMyhonestlads，IwilltellyouwhatI
amabout。PISTOLTwoyards，andmore。FALSTAFFNoquipsnow，Pistol!Indeed，Iaminthewaisttwoyardsabout；butIamnowaboutnowaste；Iamaboutthrift。Briefly，IdomeantomakelovetoFord’swife：Ispyentertainmentinher；shediscourses，shecarves，shegivestheleerofinvitation：
I
canconstruetheactionofherfamiliarstyle；
andthehardestvoiceofherbehavior，tobeEnglishedrightly，is，’IamSirJohnFalstaff’s。’PISTOLHehathstudiedherwill，andtranslatedherwill，outofhonestyintoEnglish。NYMTheanchorisdeep：willthathumourpass？FALSTAFFNow，thereportgoesshehasalltheruleofherhusband’spurse：hehathalegionofangels。PISTOLAsmanydevilsentertain；and’Toher，boy，’sayI。NYMThehumourrises；itisgood：humourmetheangels。FALSTAFFIhavewritmeherealettertoher：andhereanothertoPage’swife，whoevennowgavemegoodeyestoo，examinedmypartswithmostjudiciousoeillades；sometimesthebeamofherviewgildedmyfoot，sometimesmyportlybelly。PISTOLThendidthesunondunghillshine。NYMIthanktheeforthathumour。FALSTAFFO，shedidsocourseo’ermyexteriorswithsuchagreedyintention，thattheappetiteofhereyedidseemtoscorchmeuplikeaburning—glass!Here’sanotherlettertoher：shebearsthepursetoo；
sheisaregioninGuiana，allgoldandbounty。I
willbecheatertothemboth，andtheyshallbeexchequerstome；theyshallbemyEastandWestIndies，andIwilltradetothemboth。GobearthouthislettertoMistressPage；andthouthistoMistressFord：wewillthrive，lads，wewillthrive。PISTOLShallISirPandarusofTroybecome，Andbymysidewearsteel？then，Lucifertakeall!NYMIwillrunnobasehumour：here，takethehumour—letter：Iwillkeepthehaviorofreputation。FALSTAFF[ToROBIN]Hold，sirrah，bearyoutheseletterstightly；
Saillikemypinnacetothesegoldenshores。
Rogues，hence，avaunt!vanishlikehailstones，go；
Trudge，plodawayo’thehoof；seekshelter，pack!
Falstaffwilllearnthehumouroftheage，Frenchthrift，yourogues；myselfandskirtedpage。
ExeuntFALSTAFFandROBINPISTOLLetvulturesgripethyguts!forgourdandfullamholds，Andhighandlowbeguilestherichandpoor：
TesterI’llhaveinpouchwhenthoushaltlack，BasePhrygianTurk!NYMIhaveoperationswhichbehumoursofrevenge。PISTOLWiltthourevenge？NYMBywelkinandherstar!PISTOLWithwitorsteel？NYMWithboththehumours，I：
IwilldiscussthehumourofthislovetoPage。PISTOLAndItoFordshallekeunfoldHowFalstaff，varletvile，Hisdovewillprove，hisgoldwillhold，Andhissoftcouchdefile。NYMMyhumourshallnotcool：IwillincensePagetodealwithpoison；Iwillpossesshimwithyellowness，fortherevoltofmineisdangerous：
thatismytruehumour。PISTOLThouarttheMarsofmalecontents：Isecondthee；troopon。
ExeuntSCENEIV。AroominDOCTORCAIUS’house。EnterMISTRESSQUICKLY，SIMPLE，andRUGBYMISTRESSQUICKLYWhat，JohnRugby!Ipraythee，gotothecasement，andseeifyoucanseemymaster，MasterDoctorCaius，coming。Ifhedo，i’faith，andfindanybodyinthehouse，herewillbeanoldabusingofGod’spatienceandtheking’sEnglish。RUGBYI’llgowatch。MISTRESSQUICKLYGo；andwe’llhaveapossetfor’tsoonatnight，infaith，atthelatterendofasea—coalfire。
ExitRUGBY
Anhonest，willing，kindfellow，aseverservantshallcomeinhousewithal，and，Iwarrantyou，notell—talenornobreed—bate：hisworstfaultis，thatheisgiventoprayer；heissomethingpeevishthatway：butnobodybuthashisfault；butletthatpass。PeterSimple，yousayyournameis？SIMPLEAy，forfaultofabetter。MISTRESSQUICKLYAndMasterSlender’syourmaster？SIMPLEAy，forsooth。MISTRESSQUICKLYDoeshenotwearagreatroundbeard，likeaglover’sparing—knife？SIMPLENo，forsooth：hehathbutalittleweeface，withalittleyellowbeard，aCain—colouredbeard。MISTRESSQUICKLYAsoftly—sprightedman，ishenot？SIMPLEAy，forsooth：butheisastallamanofhishandsasanyisbetweenthisandhishead；hehathfoughtwithawarrener。MISTRESSQUICKLYHowsayyou？O，Ishouldrememberhim：
doeshenotholduphishead，asitwere，andstrutinhisgait？SIMPLEYes，indeed，doeshe。MISTRESSQUICKLYWell，heavensendAnnePagenoworsefortune!
TellMasterParsonEvansIwilldowhatIcanforyourmaster：Anneisagoodgirl，andIwish——
Re—enterRUGBYRUGBYOut，alas!herecomesmymaster。MISTRESSQUICKLYWeshallallbeshent。Runinhere，goodyoungman；
gointothiscloset：hewillnotstaylong。
ShutsSIMPLEintheclosetWhat，JohnRugby!John!what，John，Isay!
Go，John，goinquireformymaster；Idoubthebenotwell，thathecomesnothome。
SingingAnddown，down，adown—a，&；c。
EnterDOCTORCAIUSDOCTORCAIUSVatisyousing？Idonotlikedestoys。
Prayyou，goandvetchmeinmyclosetunboitiervert，abox，agreen—abox：dointendvatIspeak？agreen—abox。MISTRESSQUICKLYAy，forsooth；I’llfetchityou。
AsideIamgladhewentnotinhimself：ifhehadfoundtheyoungman，hewouldhavebeenhorn—mad。DOCTORCAIUSFe，fe，fe，fe!mafoi，ilfaitfortchaud。
Jem’envaisalacour——lagrandeaffaire。MISTRESSQUICKLYIsitthis，sir？DOCTORCAIUSOui；metteleaumonpocket：depeche，quickly。VereisdatknaveRugby？MISTRESSQUICKLYWhat，JohnRugby!John!RUGBYHere，sir!DOCTORCAIUSYouareJohnRugby，andyouareJackRugby。
Come，take—ayourrapier，andcomeaftermyheeltothecourt。RUGBY’Tisready，sir，hereintheporch。DOCTORCAIUSBymytrot，Itarrytoolong。Od’sme!
Qu’ai—j’oublie!dereissomesimplesinmycloset，datIvillnotforthevarldIshallleavebehind。MISTRESSQUICKLYAyme，he’llfindtheyoungmanhere，andbemad!DOCTORCAIUSOdiable，diable!vatisinmycloset？
Villain!larron!
PullingSIMPLEoutRugby，myrapier!MISTRESSQUICKLYGoodmaster，becontent。DOCTORCAIUSWhereforeshallIbecontent—a？MISTRESSQUICKLYTheyoungmanisanhonestman。DOCTORCAIUSWhatshalldehonestmandoinmycloset？
dereisnohonestmandatshallcomeinmycloset。MISTRESSQUICKLYIbeseechyou，benotsophlegmatic。Hearthetruthofit：hecameofanerrandtomefromParsonHugh。DOCTORCAIUSVell。SIMPLEAy，forsooth；todesireherto——MISTRESSQUICKLYPeace，Iprayyou。DOCTORCAIUSPeace—ayourtongue。Speak—ayourtale。SIMPLETodesirethishonestgentlewoman，yourmaid，tospeakagoodwordtoMistressAnnePageformymasterinthewayofmarriage。MISTRESSQUICKLYThisisall，indeed，la!butI’llne’erputmyfingerinthefire，andneednot。DOCTORCAIUSSirHughsend—ayou？Rugby，baillemesomepaper。
Tarryyoualittle—awhile。
WritesMISTRESSQUICKLY[AsidetoSIMPLE]Iamgladheissoquiet：
ifhehadbeenthoroughlymoved，youshouldhaveheardhimsoloudandsomelancholy。Butnotwithstanding，man，I’lldoyouyourmasterwhatgoodIcan：
andtheveryyeaandthenois，theFrenchdoctor，mymaster，——Imaycallhimmymaster，lookyou，forI
keephishouse；andIwash，wring，brew，bake，scour，dressmeatanddrink，makethebedsanddoallmyself，——SIMPLE[AsidetoMISTRESSQUICKLY]’Tisagreatchargetocomeunderonebody’shand。MISTRESSQUICKLY[AsidetoSIMPLE]Areyouavisedo’that？
youshallfinditagreatcharge：andtobeupearlyanddownlate；butnotwithstanding，——totellyouinyourear；Iwouldhavenowordsofit，——mymasterhimselfisinlovewithMistressAnnePage：butnotwithstandingthat，IknowAnne’smind，——that’sneitherherenorthere。DOCTORCAIUSYoujack’nape，give—athislettertoSirHugh；bygar，itisashallenge：Iwillcuthistroatindeepark；andIwillteachascurvyjack—a—napepriesttomeddleormake。Youmaybegone；itisnotgoodyoutarryhere。Bygar，Iwillcutallhistwostones；bygar，heshallnothaveastonetothrowathisdog：
ExitSIMPLEMISTRESSQUICKLYAlas，hespeaksbutforhisfriend。DOCTORCAIUSItisnomatter—averdat：donotyoutell—amedatIshallhaveAnnePageformyself？Bygar，I
villkilldeJackpriest；andIhaveappointedminehostofdeJarteertomeasureourweapon。Bygar，I
willmyselfhaveAnnePage。MISTRESSQUICKLYSir，themaidlovesyou，andallshallbewell。Wemustgivefolksleavetoprate：what，thegood—jer!DOCTORCAIUSRugby，cometothecourtwithme。Bygar，ifIhavenotAnnePage，Ishallturnyourheadoutofmydoor。Followmyheels，Rugby。
ExeuntDOCTORCAIUSandRUGBYMISTRESSQUICKLYYoushallhaveAnfool’s—headofyourown。No，I
knowAnne’smindforthat：neverawomaninWindsorknowsmoreofAnne’smindthanIdo；norcandomorethanIdowithher，Ithankheaven。FENTON[Within]Who’swithinthere？ho!MISTRESSQUICKLYWho’sthere，Itrow!Comenearthehouse，Iprayyou。
EnterFENTONFENTONHownow，goodwoman？howdostthou？MISTRESSQUICKLYThebetterthatitpleasesyourgoodworshiptoask。FENTONWhatnews？howdoesprettyMistressAnne？MISTRESSQUICKLYIntruth，sir，andsheispretty，andhonest，andgentle；andonethatisyourfriend，Icantellyouthatbytheway；Ipraiseheavenforit。FENTONShallIdoanygood，thinkestthou？shallInotlosemysuit？MISTRESSQUICKLYTroth，sir，allisinhishandsabove：
butnotwithstanding，MasterFenton，I’llbeswornonabook，shelovesyou。Havenotyourworshipawartaboveyoureye？FENTONYes，marry，haveI；whatofthat？MISTRESSQUICKLYWell，therebyhangsatale：goodfaith，itissuchanotherNan；but，Idetest，anhonestmaidaseverbrokebread：wehadanhour’stalkofthatwart。
I
shallneverlaughbutinthatmaid’scompany!
Butindeedsheisgiventoomuchtoallicholyandmusing：butforyou——well，goto。FENTONWell，Ishallseeherto—day。Hold，there’smoneyforthee；letmehavethyvoiceinmybehalf：
ifthouseestherbeforeme，commendme。MISTRESSQUICKLYWillI？i’faith，thatwewill；andI
willtellyourworshipmoreofthewartthenexttimewehaveconfidence；andofotherwooers。FENTONWell，farewell；Iamingreathastenow。MISTRESSQUICKLYFarewelltoyourworship。
ExitFENTON
Truly，anhonestgentleman：butAnneloveshimnot；
forIknowAnne’smindaswellasanotherdoes。
Outupon’t!whathaveIforgot？
ExitACTIISCENEI。BeforePAGE’Shouse。EnterMISTRESSPAGE，withaletterMISTRESSPAGEWhat，haveIscapedlove—lettersintheholiday—
timeofmybeauty，andamInowasubjectforthem？
Letmesee。
Reads’AskmenoreasonwhyIloveyou；forthoughLoveuseReasonforhisphysician，headmitshimnotforhiscounsellor。Youarenotyoung，nomoreamI；gotothen，there’ssympathy：youaremerry，soamI；ha，ha!thenthere’smoresympathy：youlovesack，andsodoI；wouldyoudesirebettersympathy？Letitsufficethee，MistressPage，——attheleast，iftheloveofsoldiercansuffice，——
thatIlovethee。Iwillnotsay，pityme；’tisnotasoldier—likephrase：butIsay，loveme。
Byme，Thineowntrueknight，Bydayornight，Oranykindoflight，WithallhismightFortheetofight，JOHNFALSTAFF’
WhataHerodofJewryisthis!Owickedworld!Onethatiswell—nighworntopieceswithagetoshowhimselfayounggallant!WhatanunweighedbehaviorhaththisFlemishdrunkardpicked——withthedevil’sname!——outofmyconversation，thathedaresinthismannerassayme？
Why，hehathnotbeenthriceinmycompany!WhatshouldIsaytohim？Iwasthenfrugalofmymirth：Heavenforgiveme!Why，I’llexhibitabillintheparliamentfortheputtingdownofmen。
HowshallIberevengedonhim？forrevengedIwillbe，assureashisgutsaremadeofpuddings。
EnterMISTRESSFORDMISTRESSFORDMistressPage!trustme，Iwasgoingtoyourhouse。MISTRESSPAGEAnd，trustme，Iwascomingtoyou。Youlookveryill。MISTRESSFORDNay，I’llne’erbelievethat；Ihavetoshowtothecontrary。MISTRESSPAGEFaith，butyoudo，inmymind。MISTRESSFORDWell，Idothen；yetIsayIcouldshowyoutothecontrary。OMistressPage，givemesomecounsel!MISTRESSPAGEWhat’sthematter，woman？MISTRESSFORDOwoman，ifitwerenotforonetriflingrespect，I
couldcometosuchhonour!MISTRESSPAGEHangthetrifle，woman!takethehonour。
Whatisit？dispensewithtrifles；whatisit？MISTRESSFORDIfIwouldbutgotohellforaneternalmomentorso，Icouldbeknighted。MISTRESSPAGEWhat？thouliest!SirAliceFord!Theseknightswillhack；andsothoushouldstnotalterthearticleofthygentry。MISTRESSFORDWeburndaylight：here，read，read；perceivehowI
mightbeknighted。Ishallthinktheworseoffatmen，aslongasIhaveaneyetomakedifferenceofmen’sliking：andyethewouldnotswear；praisedwomen’smodesty；andgavesuchorderlyandwell—behavedreprooftoalluncomeliness，thatI
wouldhaveswornhisdispositionwouldhavegonetothetruthofhiswords；buttheydonomoreadhereandkeepplacetogetherthantheHundredthPsalmtothetuneof’GreenSleeves。’Whattempest，Itrow，threwthiswhale，withsomanytunsofoilinhisbelly，ashoreatWindsor？HowshallIberevengedonhim？Ithinkthebestwayweretoentertainhimwithhope，tillthewickedfireoflusthavemeltedhiminhisowngrease。Didyoueverhearthelike？MISTRESSPAGELetterforletter，butthatthenameofPageandForddiffers!Tothygreatcomfortinthismysteryofillopinions，here’sthetwin—brotherofthyletter：butletthineinheritfirst；for，I
protest，minenevershall。Iwarranthehathathousandoftheseletters，writwithblankspacefordifferentnames——sure，more，——andtheseareofthesecondedition：hewillprintthem，outofdoubt；
forhecaresnotwhatheputsintothepress，whenhewouldputustwo。Ihadratherbeagiantess，andlieunderMountPelion。Well，Iwillfindyoutwentylasciviousturtlesereonechasteman。MISTRESSFORDWhy，thisistheverysame；theveryhand，theverywords。Whatdothhethinkofus？MISTRESSPAGENay，Iknownot：itmakesmealmostreadytowranglewithmineownhonesty。I’llentertainmyselflikeonethatIamnotacquaintedwithal；
for，sure，unlessheknowsomestraininme，thatI
knownotmyself，hewouldneverhaveboardedmeinthisfury。MISTRESSFORD’Boarding，’callyouit？I’llbesuretokeephimabovedeck。MISTRESSPAGESowillIifhecomeundermyhatches，I’llnevertoseaagain。Let’sberevengedonhim：let’sappointhimameeting；givehimashowofcomfortinhissuitandleadhimonwithafine—baiteddelay，tillhehathpawnedhishorsestominehostoftheGarter。MISTRESSFORDNay，Iwillconsenttoactanyvillanyagainsthim，thatmaynotsullythecharinessofourhonesty。
O，thatmyhusbandsawthisletter!itwouldgiveeternalfoodtohisjealousy。MISTRESSPAGEWhy，lookwherehecomes；andmygoodmantoo：he’sasfarfromjealousyasIamfromgivinghimcause；
andthatIhopeisanunmeasurabledistance。MISTRESSFORDYouarethehappierwoman。MISTRESSPAGELet’sconsulttogetheragainstthisgreasyknight。
Comehither。
TheyretireEnterFORDwithPISTOL，andPAGEwithNYMFORDWell，Ihopeitbenotso。PISTOLHopeisacurtaldoginsomeaffairs：
SirJohnaffectsthywife。FORDWhy，sir，mywifeisnotyoung。PISTOLHewooesbothhighandlow，bothrichandpoor，Bothyoungandold，onewithanother，Ford；
Helovesthegallimaufry：Ford，perpend。FORDLovemywife!PISTOLWithliverburninghot。Prevent，orgothou，LikeSirActaeonhe，withRingwoodatthyheels：
O，odiousisthename!FORDWhatname，sir？PISTOLThehorn，Isay。Farewell。
Takeheed，haveopeneye，forthievesdofootbynight：
Takeheed，eresummercomesorcuckoo—birdsdosing。
Away，SirCorporalNym!
Believeit，Page；hespeakssense。
ExitFORD[Aside]Iwillbepatient；Iwillfindoutthis。NYM[ToPAGE]Andthisistrue；Ilikenotthehumouroflying。Hehathwrongedmeinsomehumours：
I
shouldhavebornethehumouredlettertoher；
butI
haveaswordanditshallbiteuponmynecessity。
Helovesyourwife；there’stheshortandthelong。
MynameisCorporalNym；IspeakandIavouch；
’tistrue：mynameisNymandFalstafflovesyourwife。
Adieu。Ilovenotthehumourofbreadandcheese，andthere’sthehumourofit。Adieu。
ExitPAGE’Thehumourofit，’quotha’!here’safellowfrightsEnglishoutofhiswits。FORDIwillseekoutFalstaff。PAGEIneverheardsuchadrawling，affectingrogue。FORDIfIdofindit：well。PAGEIwillnotbelievesuchaCataian，thoughthepriesto’thetowncommendedhimforatrueman。FORD’Twasagoodsensiblefellow：well。PAGEHownow，Meg!
MISTRESSPAGEandMISTRESSFORDcomeforwardMISTRESSPAGEWhithergoyou，George？Harkyou。MISTRESSFORDHownow，sweetFrank!whyartthoumelancholy？FORDImelancholy!Iamnotmelancholy。Getyouhome，go。MISTRESSFORDFaith，thouhastsomecrotchetsinthyhead。Now，willyougo，MistressPage？MISTRESSPAGEHavewithyou。You’llcometodinner，George。
AsidetoMISTRESSFORD
Lookwhocomesyonder：sheshallbeourmessengertothispaltryknight。MISTRESSFORD[AsidetoMISTRESSPAGE]Trustme，I
thoughtonher：
she’llfitit。
EnterMISTRESSQUICKLYMISTRESSPAGEYouarecometoseemydaughterAnne？MISTRESSQUICKLYAy，forsooth；and，Ipray，howdoesgoodMistressAnne？MISTRESSPAGEGoinwithusandsee：wehaveanhour’stalkwithyou。
ExeuntMISTRESSPAGE，MISTRESSFORD，andMISTRESSQUICKLYPAGEHownow，MasterFord!FORDYouheardwhatthisknavetoldme，didyounot？PAGEYes：andyouheardwhattheothertoldme？FORDDoyouthinkthereistruthinthem？PAGEHang’em，slaves!Idonotthinktheknightwouldofferit：butthesethataccusehiminhisintenttowardsourwivesareayokeofhisdiscardedmen；
veryrogues，nowtheybeoutofservice。FORDWeretheyhismen？PAGEMarry，werethey。FORDIlikeitneverthebetterforthat。
DoeshelieattheGarter？PAGEAy，marry，doeshe。Ifheshouldintendthisvoyagetowardsmywife，Iwouldturnherloosetohim；
andwhathegetsmoreofherthansharpwords，letitlieonmyhead。FORDIdonotmisdoubtmywife；butIwouldbeloathtoturnthemtogether。Amanmaybetooconfident：
I
wouldhavenothinglieonmyhead：Icannotbethussatisfied。PAGELookwheremyrantinghostoftheGartercomes：
thereiseitherliquorinhispateormoneyinhispursewhenhelookssomerrily。
EnterHostHownow，minehost!HostHownow，bully—rook!thou’rtagentleman。
Cavaleiro—justice，Isay!
EnterSHALLOWSHALLOWIfollow，minehost，Ifollow。Goodevenandtwenty，goodMasterPage!MasterPage，willyougowithus？wehavesportinhand。HostTellhim，cavaleiro—justice；tellhim，bully—rook。SHALLOWSir，thereisafraytobefoughtbetweenSirHughtheWelshpriestandCaiustheFrenchdoctor。FORDGoodminehosto’theGarter，awordwithyou。
DrawinghimasideHostWhatsayestthou，mybully—rook？SHALLOW[ToPAGE]Willyougowithustobeholdit？Mymerryhosthathhadthemeasuringoftheirweapons；
and，Ithink，hathappointedthemcontraryplaces；
for，believeme，Iheartheparsonisnojester。
Hark，Iwilltellyouwhatoursportshallbe。
TheyconverseapartHostHastthounosuitagainstmyknight，myguest—cavaleire？FORDNone，Iprotest：butI’llgiveyouapottleofburntsacktogivemerecoursetohimandtellhimmynameisBrook；onlyforajest。HostMyhand，bully；thoushalthaveegressandregress；
——saidIwell？——andthynameshallbeBrook。
Itisamerryknight。Willyougo，An—heires？SHALLOWHavewithyou，minehost。PAGEIhaveheardtheFrenchmanhathgoodskillinhisrapier。SHALLOWTut，sir，Icouldhavetoldyoumore。
Inthesetimesyoustandondistance，yourpasses，stoccadoes，andIknownotwhat：’tistheheart，MasterPage；
’tishere，’tishere。Ihaveseenthetime，withmylongswordIwouldhavemadeyoufourtallfellowsskiplikerats。HostHere，boys，here，here!shallwewag？PAGEHavewithyou。Iwouldratherhearthemscoldthanfight。
ExeuntHost，SHALLOW，andPAGEFORDThoughPagebeasecurefool，anstandssofirmlyonhiswife’sfrailty，yetIcannotputoffmyopinionsoeasily：shewasinhiscompanyatPage’shouse；andwhattheymadethere，Iknownot。
Well，Iwilllookfurtherinto’t：andIhaveadisguisetosoundFalstaff。IfIfindherhonest，Ilosenotmylabour；ifshebeotherwise，’tislabourwellbestowed。
ExitSCENEII。AroomintheGarterInn。EnterFALSTAFFandPISTOLFALSTAFFIwillnotlendtheeapenny。PISTOLWhy，thentheworld’smineoyster。
WhichIwithswordwillopen。FALSTAFFNotapenny。Ihavebeencontent，sir，youshouldlaymycountenancetopawn；Ihavegrateduponmygoodfriendsforthreereprievesforyouandyourcoach—fellowNym；orelseyouhadlookedthroughthegrate，likeageminyofbaboons。Iamdamnedinhellforswearingtogentlemenmyfriends，youweregoodsoldiersandtallfellows；andwhenMistressBridgetlostthehandleofherfan，Itook’tuponminehonourthouhadstitnot。PISTOLDidstnotthoushare？hadstthounotfifteenpence？FALSTAFFReason，yourogue，reason：thinkestthouI’llendangermysoulgratis？Ataword，hangnomoreaboutme，Iamnogibbetforyou。Go。Ashortknifeandathrong!ToyourmanorofPickt—hatch!Go。
You’llnotbearaletterforme，yourogue!youstanduponyourhonour!Why，thouunconfinablebaseness，itisasmuchasIcandotokeepthetermsofmyhonourprecise：I，I，Imyselfsometimes，leavingthefearofGodonthelefthandandhidingminehonourinmynecessity，amfaintoshuffle，tohedgeandtolurch；andyetyou，rogue，willensconceyourrags，yourcat—a—mountainlooks，yourred—latticephrases，andyourbold—beatingoaths，undertheshelterofyourhonour!Youwillnotdoit，you!PISTOLIdorelent：whatwouldthoumoreofman？
EnterROBINROBINSir，here’sawomanwouldspeakwithyou。FALSTAFFLetherapproach。
EnterMISTRESSQUICKLYMISTRESSQUICKLYGiveyourworshipgoodmorrow。FALSTAFFGoodmorrow，goodwife。MISTRESSQUICKLYNotso，an’tpleaseyourworship。FALSTAFFGoodmaid，then。MISTRESSQUICKLYI’llbesworn，Asmymotherwas，thefirsthourIwasborn。FALSTAFFIdobelievetheswearer。Whatwithme？MISTRESSQUICKLYShallIvouchsafeyourworshipawordortwo？FALSTAFFTwothousand，fairwoman：andI’llvouchsafetheethehearing。MISTRESSQUICKLYThereisoneMistressFord，sir：——Ipray，comealittlenearerthisways：——ImyselfdwellwithmasterDoctorCaius，——FALSTAFFWell，on：MistressFord，yousay，——MISTRESSQUICKLYYourworshipsaysverytrue：Iprayyourworship，comealittlenearerthisways。FALSTAFFIwarrantthee，nobodyhears；mineownpeople，mineownpeople。MISTRESSQUICKLYAretheyso？Godblessthemandmakethemhisservants!FALSTAFFWell，MistressFord；whatofher？MISTRESSQUICKLYWhy，sir，she’sagoodcreature。LordLord!yourworship’sawanton!Well，heavenforgiveyouandallofus，Ipray!FALSTAFFMistressFord；come，MistressFord，——MISTRESSQUICKLYMarry，thisistheshortandthelongofit；youhavebroughtherintosuchacanariesas’tiswonderful。Thebestcourtierofthemall，whenthecourtlayatWindsor，couldneverhavebroughthertosuchacanary。Yettherehasbeenknights，andlords，andgentlemen，withtheircoaches，Iwarrantyou，coachaftercoach，letterafterletter，giftaftergift；smellingsosweetly，allmusk，andsorushling，Iwarrantyou，insilkandgold；andinsuchalligantterms；andinsuchwineandsugarofthebestandthefairest，thatwouldhavewonanywoman’sheart；and，Iwarrantyou，theycouldnevergetaneye—winkofher：Ihadmyselftwentyangelsgivenmethismorning；butIdefyallangels，inanysuchsort，astheysay，butinthewayofhonesty：and，Iwarrantyou，theycouldnevergethersomuchassiponacupwiththeproudestofthemall：andyettherehasbeenearls，nay，whichismore，pensioners；but，Iwarrantyou，allisonewithher。FALSTAFFButwhatsaysshetome？bebrief，mygoodshe—Mercury。MISTRESSQUICKLYMarry，shehathreceivedyourletter，forthewhichshethanksyouathousandtimes；andshegivesyoutonotifythatherhusbandwillbeabsencefromhishousebetweentenandeleven。FALSTAFFTenandeleven？MISTRESSQUICKLYAy，forsooth；andthenyoumaycomeandseethepicture，shesays，thatyouwotof：MasterFord，herhusband，willbefromhome。Alas!thesweetwomanleadsanilllifewithhim：he’saveryjealousyman：sheleadsaveryframpoldlifewithhim，goodheart。FALSTAFFTenandeleven。Woman，commendmetoher；
Iwillnotfailher。MISTRESSQUICKLYWhy，yousaywell。ButIhaveanothermessengertoyourworship。MistressPagehathherheartycommendationstoyoutoo：andletmetellyouinyourear，she’sasfartuousacivilmodestwife，andone，Itellyou，thatwillnotmissyoumorningnoreveningprayer，asanyisinWindsor，whoe’erbetheother：andshebademetellyourworshipthatherhusbandisseldomfromhome；butshehopestherewillcomeatime。Ineverknewawomansodoteuponaman：surelyIthinkyouhavecharms，la；yes，intruth。FALSTAFFNotI，Iassurethee：settingtheattractionsofmygoodpartsasideIhavenoothercharms。MISTRESSQUICKLYBlessingonyourheartfor’t!FALSTAFFBut，Ipraythee，tellmethis：hasFord’swifeandPage’swifeacquaintedeachotherhowtheyloveme？MISTRESSQUICKLYThatwereajestindeed!theyhavenotsolittlegrace，Ihope：thatwereatrickindeed!butMistressPagewoulddesireyoutosendheryourlittlepage，ofallloves：herhusbandhasamarvellousinfectiontothelittlepage；andtrulyMasterPageisanhonestman。NeverawifeinWindsorleadsabetterlifethanshedoes：dowhatshewill，saywhatshewill，takeall，payall，gotobedwhenshelist，risewhenshelist，allisasshewill：andtrulyshedeservesit；foriftherebeakindwomaninWindsor，sheisone。Youmustsendheryourpage；noremedy。FALSTAFFWhy，Iwill。MISTRESSQUICKLYNay，butdoso，then：and，lookyou，hemaycomeandgobetweenyouboth；andinanycasehaveanay—word，thatyoumayknowoneanother’smind，andtheboyneverneedtounderstandanything；for’tisnotgoodthatchildrenshouldknowanywickedness：oldfolks，youknow，havediscretion，astheysay，andknowtheworld。FALSTAFFFaretheewell：commendmetothemboth：
there’smypurse；Iamyetthydebtor。Boy，goalongwiththiswoman。
ExeuntMISTRESSQUICKLYandROBIN
Thisnewsdistractsme!PISTOLThispunkisoneofCupid’scarriers：
Claponmoresails；pursue；upwithyourfights：
Givefire：sheismyprize，oroceanwhelmthemall!
ExitFALSTAFFSayestthouso，oldJack？gothyways；
I’llmakemoreofthyoldbodythanIhavedone。Willtheyyetlookafterthee？Wiltthou，aftertheexpenseofsomuchmoney，benowagainer？Goodbody，I
thankthee。Letthemsay’tisgrosslydone；soitbefairlydone，nomatter。
EnterBARDOLPHBARDOLPHSirJohn，there’soneMasterBrookbelowwouldfainspeakwithyou，andbeacquaintedwithyou；andhathsentyourworshipamorning’sdraughtofsack。FALSTAFFBrookishisname？BARDOLPHAy，sir。FALSTAFFCallhimin。
ExitBARDOLPH
SuchBrooksarewelcometome，thato’erflowsuchliquor。Ah，ha!MistressFordandMistressPagehaveIencompassedyou？goto；via!
Re—enterBARDOLPH，withFORDdisguisedFORDBlessyou，sir!FALSTAFFAndyou，sir!Wouldyouspeakwithme？FORDImakeboldtopresswithsolittlepreparationuponyou。FALSTAFFYou’rewelcome。What’syourwill？Giveusleave，drawer。