Hereachesaglade，climbsatree，andclearlyseesthelimitlessdistance，butseesthathishomeisnotandcannotbethere；thenhegoesintothedarkwoodandseesthedarkness，buttherealsohishomeisnot。
SoIwanderednthatwoodofhumanknowledge，amidthegleamsofmathematicalandexperimentalsciencewhichshowedmeclearhorizonsbutinadirectionwheretherecouldbenohome，andalsoamidthedarknessoftheabstractscienceswhereIwasimmersedindeepergloomthefurtherIwent，andwhereIfinallyconvincedmyselfthattherewas，andcouldbe，noexit。
Yieldingmyselftothebrightsideofknowledge，IunderstoodthatIwasonlydivertingmygazefromthequestion。Howeveralluringlyclearthosehorizonswhichopenedoutbeforememightbe，howeveralluringitmightbetoimmerseoneselfinthelimitlessexpanseofthosesciences，Ialreadyunderstoodthattheclearertheywerethelesstheymetmyneedandthelesstheyappliedtomyquestion。
\"Iknow，\"saidItomyself，\"whatsciencesopersistentlytriestodiscover，andalongthatroadthereisnoreplytothequestionastothemeaningofmylife。\"IntheabstractsphereI
understoodthatnotwithstandingthefact，orjustbecauseofthefact，thatthedirectaimofscienceistoreplytomyquestion，thereisnoreplybutthatwhichIhavemyselfalreadygiven：
\"Whatisthemeaningofmylife？\"\"Thereisnone。\"Or：\"Whatwillcomeofmylife？\"\"Nothing。\"Or：\"Whydoeseverythingexistthatexists，andwhydoIexist？\"\"Becauseitexists。\"
Inquiringforoneregionofhumanknowledge，IreceivedaninnumerablequantityofexactrepliesconcerningmattersaboutwhichIhadnotasked：aboutthechemicalconstituentsofthestars，aboutthemovementofthesuntowardstheconstellationHercules，abouttheoriginofspeciesandofman，abouttheformsofinfinitelyminuteimponderableparticlesofether；butinthissphereofknowledgetheonlyanswertomyquestion，\"Whatisthemeaningofmylife？\"was：\"Youarewhatyoucallyour’life’；youareatransitory，casualcohesionofparticles。Themutualinteractionsandchangesoftheseparticlesproduceinyouwhatyoucallyour\"life\"。Thatcohesionwilllastsometime；afterwardstheinteractionoftheseparticleswillceaseandwhatyoucall\"life\"willcease，andsowillallyourquestions。Youareanaccidentallyunitedlittlelumpofsomething。thatlittlelumpferments。Thelittlelumpcallsthatfermentingits’life’。Thelumpwilldisintegrateandtherewillbeanendofthefermentingandofallthequestions。\"Soanswerstheclearsideofscienceandcannotanswerotherwiseifitstrictlyfollowsitsprinciples。
Fromsuchareplyoneseesthatthereplydoesnotanswerthequestion。Iwanttoknowthemeaningofmylife，butthatitisafragmentoftheinfinite，farfromgivingitameaningdestroysitseverypossiblemeaning。Theobscurecompromiseswhichthatsideofexperimentalexactsciencemakeswithabstractsciencewhenitsaysthatthemeaningoflifeconsistsindevelopmentandincooperationwithdevelopment，owingtotheirinexactnessandobscuritycannotbeconsideredasreplies。
Theothersideofscience——theabstractside——whenitholdsstrictlytoitsprinciples，replyingdirectlytothequestion，alwaysreplies，andinallageshasreplied，inoneandthesameway：\"Theworldissomethinginfiniteandincomprehensiblepartofthatincomprehensible’all’。\"AgainI
excludeallthosecompromisesbetweenabstractandexperimentalscienceswhichsupplythewholeballastofthesemi—sciencescalledjuridical，political，andhistorical。Inthosesemi—sciencestheconceptionofdevelopmentandprogressisagainwronglyintroduced，onlywiththisdifference，thatthereitwasthedevelopmentofeverythingwhilehereitisthedevelopmentofthelifeofmankind。
Theerroristhereasbefore：developmentandprogressininfinitycanhavenoaimordirection，and，asfarasmyquestionisconcerned，noanswerisgiven。
Intrulyabstractscience，namelyingenuinephilosophy——notinthatwhichSchopenhauercalls\"professorialphilosophy\"whichservesonlytoclassifyallexistingphenomenainnewphilosophiccategoriesandtocallthembynewnames——wherethephilosopherdoesnotlosesightoftheessentialquestion，thereplyisalwaysoneandthesame——thereplygivenbySocrates，Schopenhauer，Solomon，andbuddha。
\"Weapproachtruthonlyinasmuchaswedepartfromlife\"，saidSocrateswhenpreparingfordeath。\"Forwhatdowe，wholovetruth，striveafterinlife？Tofreeourselvesfromthebody，andfromalltheevilthatiscausedbythelifeofthebody!Ifso，thenhowcanwefailtobegladwhendeathcomestous？
\"Thewisemanseeksdeathallhislifeandthereforedeathisnotterribletohim。\"
AndSchopenhauersays：
\"Havingrecognizedtheinmostessenceoftheworldas*will*，andallitsphenomena——fromtheunconsciousworkingoftheobscureforcesofNatureuptothecompletelyconsciousactionofman——asonlytheobjectivityofthatwill，weshallinnowayavoidtheconclusionthattogetherwiththevoluntaryrenunciationandself—destructionofthewillallthosephenomenaalsodisappear，thatconstantstrivingandeffortwithoutaimorrestonallthestagesofobjectivityinwhichandthroughwhichtheworldexists；thediversityofsuccessiveformswilldisappear，andtogetherwiththeformallthemanifestationsofwill，withitsmostuniversalforms，spaceandtime，andfinallyitsmostfundamentalform——subjectandobject。Withoutwillthereisnoconceptandnoworld。Beforeus，certainly，nothingremains。Butwhatresiststhistransitionintoannihilation，ournature，isonlythatsamewishtolive——*WillezumLeben*——whichformsourselvesaswellasourworld。Thatwearesoafraidofannihilationor，whatisthesamething，thatwesowishtolive，merelymeansthatweareourselvesnothingelsebutthisdesiretolive，andknownothingbutit。Andsowhatremainsafterthecompleteannihilationofthewill，foruswhoaresofullofthewill，is，ofcourse，nothing；butontheotherhand，forthoseinwhomthewillhasturnedandrenounceditself，thissorealworldofourswithallitssunsandmilkywayisnothing。\"
\"Vanityofvanities\"，saysSolomon——\"vanityofvanities——
allisvanity。Whatprofithathamanofallhislaborwhichhetakethunderthesun？Onegenerationpassethaway，andanothergenerationcommeth：buttheearthabidethforever……Thethingthathathbeen，isthatwhichshallbe；andthatwhichisdoneisthatwhichshallbedone：andthereisnonewthingunderthesun。
Isthereanythingwhereofitmaybesaid，See，thisisnew？ithathbeenalreadyofoldtime，whichwasbeforeus。thereisnoremembranceofformerthings；neithershalltherebeanyremembranceofthingsthataretocomewiththosethatshallcomeafter。IthePreacherwasKingoverIsraelinJerusalem。AndI
gavemyhearttoseekandsearchoutbywisdomconcerningallthatisdoneunderheaven：thissoretravailhathGodgiventothesonsofmantobeexercisedtherewith。Ihaveseenalltheworksthataredoneunderthesun；andbehold，allisvanityandvexationofspirit……Icommunedwithmyownheart，saying，Lo，Iamcometogreatestate，andhavegottenmorewisdomthanalltheythathavebeenbeforemeoverJerusalem：yea，myhearthathgreatexperienceofwisdomandknowledge。AndIgavemyhearttoknowwisdom，andtoknowmadnessandfolly：Iperceivedthatthisalsoisvexationofspirit。Forinmuchwisdomismuchgrief：andhethatincreasethknowledgeincreasethsorrow。
\"Isaidinmyheart，Gotonow，Iwillprovetheewithmirth，thereforeenjoypleasure：andbeholdthisalsoisvanity。Isaidoflaughter，Itismad：andofmirth，Whatdoethit？Isoughtinmyhearthowtocheermyfleshwithwine，andwhilemyheartwasguidedbywisdom，tolayholdonfolly，tillImightseewhatitwasgoodforthesonsofmenthattheyshoulddounderheaventhenumberofthedaysoftheirlife。Imademegreatworks；Ibuildedmehouses；Iplantedmevineyards；Imademegardensandorchards，andIplantedtreesinthemofallkindsoffruits：Imademepoolsofwater，towatertherefromtheforestwheretreeswerereared：I
gotmeservantsandmaidens，andhadservantsborninmyhouse；
alsoIhadgreatpossessionsofherdsandflocksaboveallthatwerebeforemeinJerusalem：Igatheredmealsosilverandgoldandthepeculiartreasurefromkingsandfromtheprovinces：Igotmemensingersandwomensingers；andthedelightsofthesonsofmen，asmusicalinstrumentsandallthatofallsorts。SoIwasgreat，andincreasedmorethanallthatwerebeforemeinJerusalem：alsomywisdomremainedwithme。AndwhatevermineeyesdesiredIkeptnotfromthem。Iwithheldnotmyheartfromanyjoy……ThenI
lookedonalltheworksthatmyhandshadwrought，andonthelabourthatIhadlabouredtodo：and，behold，allwasvanityandvexationofspirit，andtherewasnoprofitfromthemunderthesun。AndIturnedmyselftobeholdwisdom，andmadness，andfolly……ButIperceivedthatoneevenhappenethtothemall。
ThensaidIinmyheart，Asithappenethtothefool，soithappenetheventome，andwhywasIthenmorewise？thenIsaidinmyheart，thatthisalsoisvanity。Forthereisnoremembranceofthewisemorethanofthefoolforever；seeingthatwhichnowisinthedaystocomeshallallbeforgotten。Andhowdieththewiseman？asthefool。ThereforeIhatedlife；becausetheworkthatiswroughtunderthesunisgrievousuntome：forallisvanityandvexationofspirit。Yea，IhatedallmylabourwhichIhadtakenunderthesun：seeingthatImustleaveituntothemanthatshallbeafterme……Forwhathathmanofallhislabour，andofthevexationofhisheart，whereinhehathlabouredunderthesun？Forallhisdaysaresorrows，andhistravailgrief；yea，eveninthenighthishearttakethnorest。thisisalsovanity。Manisnotblessedwithsecuritythatheshouldeatanddrinkandcheerhissoulfromhisownlabour……Allthingscomealiketoall：thereisoneeventtotherighteousandtothewicked；tothegoodandtotheevil；tothecleanandtotheunclean；tohimthatsacrificethandtohimthatsacrificethnot；asisthegood，soisthesinner；
andhethatsweareth，ashethatfearethanoath。Thisisanevilinallthatisdoneunderthesun，thatthereisoneeventuntoall；yea，alsotheheartofthesonsofmenisfullofevil，andmadnessisintheirheartwhiletheylive，andafterthattheygotothedead。Forhimthatisamongthelivingthereishope：foralivingdogisbetterthanadeadlion。Forthelivingknowthattheyshalldie：butthedeadknownotanything，neitherhavetheyanymoreareward；forthememoryofthemisforgotten。alsotheirlove，andtheirhatred，andtheirenvy，isnowperished；neitherhavetheyanymoreaportionforeverinanythingthatisdoneunderthesun。\"
SosaidSolomon，orwhoeverwrotethosewords。[Footnote：
tolstoy’sversiondiffersslightlyinafewplacesfromourownAuthorizedorRevisedversion。Ihavefollowedhistext，forinalettertoFet，quotedonp。18，vol。ii，ofmy\"LifeofTolstoy，\"
hesaysthat\"TheAuthorizedEnglishversion[ofEcclesiastes]isbad。\"——A。M。]
AndthisiswhattheIndianwisdomtells：
SakyaMuni，ayoung，happyprince，fromwhomtheexistenceofsickness，oldage，anddeathhadbeenhidden，wentouttodriveandsawaterribleoldman，toothlessandslobbering。theprince，fromwhomtillthenoldagehadbeenconcealed，wasamazed，andaskedhisdriverwhatitwas，andhowthatmanhadcometosuchawretchedanddisgustingcondition，andwhenhelearntthatthiswasthecommonfateofallmen，thatthesamethinginevitablyawaitedhim——theyoungprince——hecouldnotcontinuehisdrive，butgaveorderstogohome，thathemightconsiderthisfact。Soheshuthimselfupaloneandconsideredit。andheprobablydevisedsomeconsolationforhimself，forhesubsequentlyagainwentouttodrive，feelingmerryandhappy。Butthistimehesawasickman。
Hesawanemaciated，livid，tremblingmanwithdimeyes。Theprince，fromwhomsicknesshadbeenconcealed，stoppedandaskedwhatthiswas。Andwhenhelearntthatthiswassickness，towhichallmenareliable，andthathehimself——ahealthyandhappyprince——mighthimselffallilltomorrow，heagainwasinnomoodtoenjoyhimselfbutgaveorderstodrivehome，andagainsoughtsomesolace，andprobablyfoundit，forhedroveoutathirdtimeforpleasure。Butthisthirdtimehesawanothernewsight：hesawmencarryingsomething。’Whatisthat？’’Adeadman。’’Whatdoes*dead*mean？’askedtheprince。Hewastoldthattobecomedeadmeanstobecomelikethatman。Theprinceapproachedthecorpse，uncoveredit，andlookedatit。’Whatwillhappentohimnow？’
askedtheprince。Hewastoldthatthecorpsewouldbeburiedintheground。’Why？’’Becausehewillcertainlynotreturntolife，andwillonlyproduceastenchandworms。’’Andisthatthefateofallmen？Willthesamethinghappentome？Willtheyburyme，andshallIcauseastenchandbeeatenbyworms？’’Yes。’’Home!
Ishallnotdriveoutforpleasure，andneverwillsodriveoutagain!’
AndSakyaMunicouldfindnoconsolationinlife，anddecidedthatlifeisthegreatestofevils；andhedevotedallthestrengthofhissoultofreehimselffromit，andtofreeothers；andtodothissothat，evenafterdeath，lifeshallnotberenewedanymorebutbecompletelydestroyedatitsveryroots。SospeaksallthewisdomofIndia。
Thesearethedirectrepliesthathumanwisdomgiveswhenitrepliestolife’squestion。
\"Thelifeofthebodyisanevilandalie。Thereforethedestructionofthelifeofthebodyisablessing，andweshoulddesireit，\"saysSocrates。
\"Lifeisthatwhichshouldnotbe——anevil；andthepassageintoNothingnessistheonlygoodinlife，\"saysSchopenhauer。
\"Allthatisintheworld——follyandwisdomandrichesandpovertyandmirthandgrief——isvanityandemptiness。Mandiesandnothingisleftofhim。Andthatisstupid，\"saysSolomon。
\"Tolifeintheconsciousnessoftheinevitabilityofsuffering，ofbecomingenfeebled，ofoldageandofdeath，isimpossible——wemustfreeourselvesfromlife，fromallpossiblelife，\"saysBuddha。
Andwhatthesestrongmindssaidhasbeensaidandthoughtandfeltbymillionsuponmillionsofpeoplelikethem。AndIhavethoughtitandfeltit。
Somywanderingamongthesciences，farfromfreeingmefrommydespair，onlystrengthenedit。Onekindofknowledgedidnotreplytolife’squestion，theotherkindreplieddirectlyconfirmingmydespair，indicatingnotthattheresultatwhichI
hadarrivedwasthefruitoferrororofadiseasedstateofmymind，butonthecontrarythatIhadthoughtcorrectly，andthatmythoughtscoincidedwiththeconclusionsofthemostpowerfulofhumanminds。
Itisnogooddeceivingoneself。Itisall——vanity!Happyishewhohasnotbeenborn：deathisbetterthanlife，andonemustfreeoneselffromlife。
VII
NotfindinganexplanationinscienceIbegantoseekforitinlife，hopingtofinditamongthepeoplearoundme。AndIbegantoobservehowthepeoplearoundme——peoplelikemyself——lived，andwhattheirattitudewastothisquestionwhichhadbroughtmetodespair。
AndthisiswhatIfoundamongpeoplewhowereinthesamepositionasmyselfasregardseducationandmanneroflife。
Ifoundthatforpeopleofmycircletherewerefourwaysoutoftheterriblepositioninwhichweareallplaced。
Thefirstwasthatofignorance。Itconsistsinnotknowing，notunderstanding，thatlifeisanevilandanabsurdity。Peopleofthissort——chieflywomen，orveryyoungorverydullpeople——
havenotyetunderstoodthatquestionoflifewhichpresenteditselftoSchopenhauer，Solomon，andBuddha。Theyseeneitherthedragonthatawaitsthemnorthemicegnawingtheshrubbywhichtheyarehanging，andtheylickthedropsofhoney。buttheylickthosedropsofhoneyonlyforawhile：somethingwillturntheirattentiontothedragonandthemice，andtherewillbeanendtotheirlicking。FromthemIhadnothingtolearn——onecannotceasetoknowwhatonedoesknow。
Thesecondwayoutisepicureanism。Itconsists，whileknowingthehopelessnessoflife，inmakingusemeanwhileoftheadvantagesonehas，disregardingthedragonandthemice，andlickingthehoneyinthebestway，especiallyifthereismuchofitwithinreach。Solomonexpressesthiswayoutthus：\"ThenI
commendedmirth，becauseamanhathnobetterthingunderthesun，thantoeat，andtodrink，andtobemerry：andthatthisshouldaccompanyhiminhislabourthedaysofhislife，whichGodgivethhimunderthesun。
\"Thereforeeatthybreadwithjoyanddrinkthywinewithamerryheart……Livejoyfullywiththewifewhomthoulovestallthedaysofthelifeofthyvanity……forthisisthyportioninlifeandinthylabourswhichthoutakestunderthesun……
Whatsoeverthyhandfindethtodo，doitwiththymight，forthereisnotwork，nordevice，norknowledge，norwisdom，inthegrave，whitherthougoest。\"
Thatisthewayinwhichthemajorityofpeopleofourcirclemakelifepossibleforthemselves。Theircircumstancesfurnishthemwithmoreofwelfarethanofhardship，andtheirmoraldullnessmakesitpossibleforthemtoforgetthattheadvantageoftheirpositionisaccidental，andthatnoteveryonecanhaveathousandwivesandpalaceslikeSolomon，thatforeveryonewhohasathousandwivesthereareathousandwithoutawife，andthatforeachpalacethereareathousandpeoplewhohavetobuilditinthesweatoftheirbrows；andthattheaccidentthathastodaymademeaSolomonmaytomorrowmakemeaSolomon’sslave。Thedullnessofthesepeople’simaginationenablesthemtoforgetthethingsthatgaveBuddhanopeace——theinevitabilityofsickness，oldage，anddeath，whichtodayortomorrowwilldestroyallthesepleasures。
Sothinkandfeelthemajorityofpeopleofourdayandourmanneroflife。Thefactthatsomeofthesepeopledeclarethedullnessoftheirthoughtsandimaginationstobeaphilosophy，whichtheycallPositive，doesnotremovethem，inmyopinion，fromtheranksofthosewho，toavoidseeingthequestion，lickthehoney。Icouldnotimitatethesepeople；nothavingtheirdullnessofimaginationIcouldnotartificiallyproduceitinmyself。I
couldnottearmyeyesfromthemiceandthedragon，asnovitalmancanafterhehasonceseenthem。
Thethirdescapeisthatofstrengthandenergy。Itconsistsindestroyinglife，whenonehasunderstoodthatitisanevilandanabsurdity。Afewexceptionallystrongandconsistentpeopleactso。Havingunderstoodthestupidityofthejokethathasbeenplayedonthem，andhavingunderstoodthatitisbettertobedeadthantobealive，andthatitisbestofallnottoexist，theyactaccordinglyandpromptlyendthisstupidjoke，sincetherearemeans：aroperoundone’sneck，water，aknifetostickintoone’sheart，orthetrainsontherailways；andthenumberofthoseofourcirclewhoactinthiswaybecomesgreaterandgreater，andforthemostparttheyactsoatthebesttimeoftheirlife，whenthestrengthoftheirmindisinfullbloomandfewhabitsdegradingtothemindhaveasyetbeenacquired。
IsawthatthiswastheworthiestwayofescapeandIwishedtoadoptit。
Thefourthwayoutisthatofweakness。Itconsistsinseeingthetruthofthesituationandyetclingingtolife，knowinginadvancethatnothingcancomeofit。Peopleofthiskindknowthatdeathisbetterthanlife，butnothavingthestrengthtoactrationally——toendthedeceptionquicklyandkillthemselves——
theyseemtowaitforsomething。Thisistheescapeofweakness，forifIknowwhatisbestanditiswithinmypower，whynotyieldtowhatisbest？……Ifoundmyselfinthatcategory。
Sopeopleofmyclassevadetheterriblecontradictioninfourways。StrainmyattentionasIwould，Isawnowayexceptthosefour。Onewaywasnottounderstandthatlifeissenseless，vanity，andanevil，andthatitisbetternottolive。Icouldnothelpknowingthis，andwhenIonceknewitcouldnotshutmyeyestoit。thesecondwaywastouselifesuchasitiswithoutthinkingofthefuture。AndIcouldnotdothat。I，likeSakyaMuni，couldnotrideouthuntingwhenIknewthatoldage，suffering，anddeathexist。Myimaginationwastoovivid。NorcouldIrejoiceinthemomentaryaccidentsthatforaninstantthrewpleasuretomylot。Thethirdway，havingunderstoodthatlifeisevilandstupid，wastoenditbykillingoneself。I
understoodthat，butsomehowstilldidnotkillmyself。ThefourthwaywastolivelikeSolomonandSchopenhauer——knowingthatlifeisastupidjokeplayeduponus，andstilltogoonliving，washingoneself，dressing，dining，talking，andevenwritingbooks。Thiswastomerepulsiveandtormenting，butIremainedinthatposition。
IseenowthatifIdidnotkillmyselfitwasduetosomedimconsciousnessoftheinvalidityofmythoughts。Howeverconvincingandindubitableappearedtomethesequenceofmythoughtsandofthoseofthewisethathavebroughtustotheadmissionofthesenselessnessoflife，thereremainedinmeavaguedoubtofthejusticeofmyconclusion。
Itwaslikethis：I，myreason，haveacknowledgedthatlifeissenseless。Ifthereisnothinghigherthanreason（andthereisnot：nothingcanprovethatthereis），thenreasonisthecreatoroflifeforme。Ifreasondidnotexisttherewouldbeformenolife。Howcanreasondenylifewhenitisthecreatoroflife？Ortoputittheotherway：weretherenolife，myreasonwouldnotexist；thereforereasonislife’sson。Lifeisall。Reasonisitsfruityetreasonrejectslifeitself!Ifeltthattherewassomethingwronghere。
Lifeisasenselessevil，thatiscertain，saidItomyself。
YetIhavelivedandamstillliving，andallmankindlivedandlives。Howisthat？Whydoesitlive，whenitispossiblenottolive？IsitthatonlyIandSchopenhauerarewiseenoughtounderstandthesenselessnessandeviloflife？
Thereasoningshowingthevanityoflifeisnotsodifficult，andhaslongbeenfamiliartotheverysimplestfolk；yettheyhavelivedandstilllive。Howisittheyallliveandneverthinkofdoubtingthereasonablenessoflife？
Myknowledge，confirmedbythewisdomofthesages，hasshownmethateverythingonearth——organicandinorganic——isallmostcleverlyarranged——onlymyownpositionisstupid。andthosefools——theenormousmassesofpeople——knownothingabouthoweverythingorganicandinorganicintheworldisarranged；buttheylive，anditseemstothemthattheirlifeisverywiselyarranged!……
Anditstruckme：\"ButwhatifthereissomethingIdonotyetknow？Ignorancebehavesjustinthatway。IgnorancealwayssaysjustwhatIamsaying。Whenitdoesnotknowsomething，itsaysthatwhatitdoesnotknowisstupid。Indeed，itappearsthatthereisawholehumanitythatlivedandlivesasifitunderstoodthemeaningofitslife，forwithoutunderstandingitcouldnotlive；butIsaythatallthislifeissenselessandthatIcannotlive。
\"Nothingpreventsourdenyinglifebysuicide。wellthen，killyourself，andyouwon’tdiscuss。Iflifedispleasesyou，killyourself!Youlive，andcannotunderstandthemeaningoflife——
thenfinishit，anddonotfoolaboutinlife，sayingandwritingthatyoudonotunderstandit。Youhavecomeintogoodcompanywherepeoplearecontentedandknowwhattheyaredoing；ifyoufinditdullandrepulsive——goaway!\"
Indeed，whatarewewhoareconvincedofthenecessityofsuicideyetdonotdecidetocommitit，buttheweakest，mostinconsistent，andtoputitplainly，thestupidestofmen，fussingaboutwithourownstupidityasafoolfussesaboutwithapaintedhussy？Forourwisdom，howeverindubitableitmaybe，hasnotgivenustheknowledgeofthemeaningofourlife。Butallmankindwhosustainlife——millionsofthem——donotdoubtthemeaningoflife。
Indeed，fromthemostdistanttimeofwhichIknowanything，whenlifebegan，peoplehavelivedknowingtheargumentaboutthevanityoflifewhichhasshownmeitssenselessness，andyettheylivedattributingsomemeaningtoit。
Fromthetimewhenanylifebeganamongmentheyhadthatmeaningoflife，andtheyledthatlifewhichhasdescendedtome。
Allthatisinmeandaroundme，all，corporealandincorporeal，isthefruitoftheirknowledgeoflife。ThoseveryinstrumentsofthoughtwithwhichIconsiderthislifeandcondemnitwerealldevisednotbemebutbythem。Imyselfwasborn，taught，andbroughtupthankstothem。Theydugouttheiron，taughtustocutdowntheforests，tamedthecowsandhorses，taughtustosowcornandtolivetogether，organizedourlife，andtaughtmetothinkandspeak。AndI，theirproduct，fed，suppliedwithdrink，taughtbythem，thinkingwiththeirthoughtsandwords，havearguedthattheyareanabsurdity!\"Thereissomethingwrong，\"saidItomyself。\"Ihaveblunderedsomewhere。\"ButitwasalongtimebeforeIcouldfindoutwherethemistakewas。
VIII
Allthesedoubts，whichIamnowabletoexpressmoreorlesssystematically，Icouldnotthenhaveexpressed。Ithenonlyfeltthathoweverlogicallyinevitableweremyconclusionsconcerningthevanityoflife，confirmedastheywerebythegreatestthinkers，therewassomethingnotrightaboutthem。WhetheritwasinthereasoningitselforinthestatementofthequestionIdidnotknow——Ionlyfeltthattheconclusionwasrationallyconvincing，butthatthatwasinsufficient。Alltheseconclusionscouldnotsoconvincemeastomakemedowhatfollowedfrommyreasoning，thatistosay，killmyself。AndIshouldhavetoldanuntruthhadI，withoutkillingmyself，saidthatreasonhadbroughtmetothepointIhadreached。Reasonworked，butsomethingelsewasalsoworkingwhichIcanonlycallaconsciousnessoflife。A
forcewasworkingwhichcompelledmetoturnmyattentiontothisandnottothat；anditwasthisforcewhichextricatedmefrommydesperatesituationandturnedmymindinquiteanotherdirection。
ThisforcecompelledmetoturnmyattentiontothefactthatIandafewhundredsimilarpeoplearenotthewholeofmankind，andthatIdidnotyetknowthelifeofmankind。
Lookingatthenarrowcircleofmyequals，Isawonlypeoplewhohadnotunderstoodthequestion，orwhohadunderstooditanddrowneditinlife’sintoxication，orhadunderstooditandendedtheirlives，orhadunderstooditandyetfromweaknesswerelivingouttheirdesperatelife。AndIsawnoothers。Itseemedtomethatthatnarrowcircleofrich，learned，andleisuredpeopletowhichIbelongedformedthewholeofhumanity，andthatthosemilliardsofotherswhohavelivedandarelivingwerecattleofsomesort——notrealpeople。
Strange，incrediblyincomprehensibleasitnowseemstomethatIcould，whilereasoningaboutlife，overlookthewholelifeofmankindthatsurroundedmeonallsides；thatIcouldtosuchadegreeblundersoabsurdlyastothinkthatmylife，andSolomon’sandSchopenhauer’s，isthereal，normallife，andthatthelifeofthemilliardsisacircumstanceundeservingofattention——strangeasthisnowistome，Iseethatsoitwas。InthedelusionofmyprideofintellectitseemedtomesoindubitablethatIandSolomonandSchopenhauerhadstatedthequestionsotrulyandexactlythatnothingelsewaspossible——soindubitablediditseemthatallthosemilliardsconsistedofmenwhohadnotyetarrivedatanapprehensionofalltheprofundityofthequestion——
thatIsoughtforthemeaningofmylifewithoutitonceoccurringtometoask：\"Butwhatmeaningisandhasbeengiventotheirlivesbyallthemilliardsofcommonfolkwholiveandhavelivedintheworld？\"
Ilonglivedinthisstateoflunacy，which，infactifnotinwords，isparticularlycharacteristicofusveryliberalandlearnedpeople。ButthankseithertothestrangephysicalaffectionIhaveforthereallabouringpeople，whichcompelledmetounderstandthemandtoseethattheyarenotsostupidaswesuppose，orthankstothesincerityofmyconvictionthatIcouldknownothingbeyondthefactthatthebestIcoulddowastohangmyself，atanyrateIinstinctivelyfeltthatifIwishedtoliveandunderstandthemeaningoflife，Imustseekthismeaningnotamongthosewhohavelostitandwishtokillthemselves，butamongthosemilliardsofthepastandthepresentwhomakelifeandwhosupporttheburdenoftheirownlivesandofoursalso。AndI
consideredtheenormousmassesofthosesimple，unlearned，andpoorpeoplewhohavelivedandarelivingandIsawsomethingquitedifferent。Isawthat，withrareexceptions，allthosemilliardswhohavelivedandarelivingdonotfitintomydivisions，andthatIcouldnotclassthemasnotunderstandingthequestion，fortheythemselvesstateitandreplytoitwithextraordinaryclearness。NorcouldIconsiderthemepicureans，fortheirlifeconsistsmoreofprivationsandsufferingsthanofenjoyments。
StilllesscouldIconsiderthemasirrationallydraggingonameaninglessexistence，foreveryactoftheirlife，aswellasdeathitself，isexplainedbythem。Tokillthemselvestheyconsiderthegreatestevil。Itappearedthatallmankindhadaknowledge，unacknowledgedanddespisedbyme，ofthemeaningoflife。Itappearedthatreasonableknowledgedoesnotgivethemeaningoflife，butexcludeslife：whilethemeaningattributedtolifebymilliardsofpeople，byallhumanity，restsonsomedespisedpseudo—knowledge。
Rationalknowledgepresentedbythelearnedandwise，deniesthemeaningoflife，buttheenormousmassesofmen，thewholeofmankindreceivethatmeaninginirrationalknowledge。Andthatirrationalknowledgeisfaith，thatverythingwhichIcouldnotbutreject。ItisGod，OneinThree；thecreationinsixdays；thedevilsandangels，andalltherestthatIcannotacceptaslongasIretainmyreason。
Mypositionwasterrible。IknewIcouldfindnothingalongthepathofreasonableknowledgeexceptadenialoflife；andthere——infaith——wasnothingbutadenialofreason，whichwasyetmoreimpossibleformethanadenialoflife。Fromrationalknowledgeitappearedthatlifeisanevil，peopleknowthisanditisintheirpowertoendlife；yettheylivedandstilllive，andImyselflive，thoughIhavelongknownthatlifeissenselessandanevil。ByfaithitappearsthatinordertounderstandthemeaningoflifeImustrenouncemyreason，theverythingforwhichaloneameaningisrequired。
IX
Acontradictionarosefromwhichthereweretwoexits。EitherthatwhichIcalledreasonwasnotsorationalasIsupposed，orthatwhichseemedtomeirrationalwasnotsoirrationalasI
supposed。AndIbegantoverifythelineofargumentofmyrationalknowledge。
VerifyingthelineofargumentofrationalknowledgeIfounditquitecorrect。Theconclusionthatlifeisnothingwasinevitable；butInoticedamistake。Themistakelayinthis，thatmyreasoningwasnotinaccordwiththequestionIhadput。Thequestionwas：\"WhyshouldIlive，thatistosay，whatreal，permanentresultwillcomeoutofmyillusorytransitorylife——
whatmeaninghasmyfiniteexistenceinthisinfiniteworld？\"AndtoreplytothatquestionIhadstudiedlife。
Thesolutionofallthepossiblequestionsoflifecouldevidentlynotsatisfyme，formyquestion，simpleasitatfirstappeared，includedademandforanexplanationofthefiniteintermsoftheinfinite，andviceversa。
Iasked：\"Whatisthemeaningofmylife，beyondtime，cause，andspace？\"AndIrepliedtoquiteanotherquestion：\"Whatisthemeaningofmylifewithintime，cause，andspace？\"Withtheresultthat，afterlongeffortsofthought，theanswerIreachedwas：\"None。\"
InmyreasoningsIconstantlycompared（norcouldIdootherwise）thefinitewiththefinite，andtheinfinitewiththeinfinite；butforthatreasonIreachedtheinevitableresult：
forceisforce，matterismatter，williswill，theinfiniteistheinfinite，nothingisnothing——andthatwasallthatcouldresult。
Itwassomethinglikewhathappensinmathematics，whenthinkingtosolveanequation，wefindweareworkingonanidentity。thelineofreasoningiscorrect，butresultsintheanswerthataequalsa，orxequalsx，oroequalso。thesamethinghappenedwithmyreasoninginrelationtothequestionofthemeaningofmylife。Therepliesgivenbyallsciencetothatquestiononlyresultin——identity。
Andreally，strictlyscientificknowledge——thatknowledgewhichbegins，asDescartes’sdid，withcompletedoubtabouteverything——rejectsallknowledgeadmittedonfaithandbuildseverythingafreshonthelawsofreasonandexperience，andcannotgiveanyotherreplytothequestionoflifethanthatwhichI
obtained：anindefinitereply。Onlyatfirsthaditseemedtomethatknowledgehadgivenapositivereply——thereplyofSchopenhauer：thatlifehasnomeaningandisanevil。ButonexaminingthematterIunderstoodthatthereplyisnotpositive，itwasonlymyfeelingthatsoexpressedit。Strictlyexpressed，asitisbytheBrahminsandbySolomonandSchopenhauer，thereplyismerelyindefinite，oranidentity：oequalso，lifeisnothing。
Sothatphilosophicknowledgedeniesnothing，butonlyrepliesthatthequestioncannotbesolvedbyit——thatforitthesolutionremainsindefinite。
Havingunderstoodthis，Iunderstoodthatitwasnotpossibletoseekinrationalknowledgeforareplytomyquestion，andthatthereplygivenbyrationalknowledgeisamereindicationthatareplycanonlybeobtainedbyadifferentstatementofthequestionandonlywhentherelationofthefinitetotheinfiniteisincludedinthequestion。AndIunderstoodthat，howeverirrationalanddistortedmightbetherepliesgivenbyfaith，theyhavethisadvantage，thattheyintroduceintoeveryanswerarelationbetweenthefiniteandtheinfinite，withoutwhichtherecanbenosolution。
InwhateverwayIstatedthequestion，thatrelationappearedintheanswer。HowamItolive？——AccordingtothelawofGod。
Whatrealresultwillcomeofmylife？——Eternaltormentoreternalbliss。Whatmeaninghaslifethatdeathdoesnotdestroy？
——UnionwiththeeternalGod：heaven。
Sothatbesidesrationalknowledge，whichhadseemedtometheonlyknowledge，Iwasinevitablybroughttoacknowledgethatalllivehumanityhasanotherirrationalknowledge——faithwhichmakesitpossibletolive。Faithstillremainedtomeasirrationalasitwasbefore，butIcouldnotbutadmitthatitalonegivesmankindareplytothequestionsoflife，andthatconsequentlyitmakeslifepossible。Reasonableknowledgehadbroughtmetoacknowledgethatlifeissenseless——mylifehadcometoahaltandIwishedtodestroymyself。LookingaroundonthewholeofmankindIsawthatpeopleliveanddeclarethattheyknowthemeaningoflife。Ilookedatmyself——IhadlivedaslongasI
knewameaningoflifeandhadmadelifepossible。
Lookingagainatpeopleofotherlands，atmycontemporariesandattheirpredecessors，Isawthesamething。Wherethereislife，theresincemanbeganfaithhasmadelifepossibleforhim，andthechiefoutlineofthatfaithiseverywhereandalwaysidentical。
Whateverthefaithmaybe，andwhateveranswersitmaygive，andtowhomsoeveritgivesthem，everysuchanswergivestothefiniteexistenceofmananinfinitemeaning，ameaningnotdestroyedbysufferings，deprivations，ordeath。Thismeansthatonlyinfaithcanwefindforlifeameaningandapossibility。
What，then，isthisfaith？AndIunderstoodthatfaithisnotmerely\"theevidenceofthingsnotseen\"，etc。，andisnotarevelation（thatdefinesonlyoneoftheindicationsoffaith，isnottherelationofmantoGod（onehasfirsttodefinefaithandthenGod，andnotdefinefaiththroughGod）；itnotonlyagreementwithwhathasbeentoldone（asfaithismostusuallysupposedtobe），butfaithisaknowledgeofthemeaningofhumanlifeinconsequenceofwhichmandoesnotdestroyhimselfbutlives。Faithisthestrengthoflife。Ifamanliveshebelievesinsomething。
Ifhedidnotbelievethatonemustliveforsomething，hewouldnotlive。Ifhedoesnotseeandrecognizetheillusorynatureofthefinite，hebelievesinthefinite；ifheunderstandstheillusorynatureofthefinite，hemustbelieveintheinfinite。
Withoutfaithhecannotlive。
AndIrecalledthewholecourseofmymentallabourandwashorrified。Itwasnowcleartomethatformantobeabletolivehemusteithernotseetheinfinite，orhavesuchanexplanationofthemeaningoflifeaswillconnectthefinitewiththeinfinite。
SuchanexplanationIhadhad；butaslongasIbelievedinthefiniteIdidnotneedtheexplanation，andIbegantoverifyitbyreason。Andinthelightofreasonthewholeofmyformerexplanationflewtoatoms。ButatimecamewhenIceasedtobelieveinthefinite。AndthenIbegantobuilduponrationalfoundations，outofwhatIknew，anexplanationwhichwouldgiveameaningtolife；butnothingcouldIbuild。TogetherwiththebesthumanintellectsIreachedtheresultthatoequalso，andwasmuchastonishedatthatconclusion，thoughnothingelsecouldhaveresulted。
WhatwasIdoingwhenIsoughtananswerintheexperimentalsciences？IwishedtoknowwhyIlive，andforthispurposestudiedallthatisoutsideme。EvidentlyImightlearnmuch，butnothingofwhatIneeded。
WhatwasIdoingwhenIsoughtananswerinphilosophicalknowledge？IwasstudyingthethoughtsofthosewhohadfoundthemselvesinthesamepositionasI，lackingareplytothequestion\"whydoIlive？\"EvidentlyIcouldlearnnothingbutwhatIknewmyself，namelythatnothingcanbeknown。
WhatamI？——Apartoftheinfinite。Inthosefewwordsliesthewholeproblem。
Isitpossiblethathumanityhasonlyputthatquestiontoitselfsinceyesterday？Andcannoonebeforemehavesethimselfthatquestion——aquestionsosimple，andonethatspringstothetongueofeverywisechild？
Surelythatquestionhasbeenaskedsincemanbegan；andnaturallyforthesolutionofthatquestionsincemanbeganithasbeenequallyinsufficienttocomparethefinitewiththefiniteandtheinfinitewiththeinfinite，andsincemanbegantherelationofthefinitetotheinfinitehasbeensoughtoutandexpressed。
Alltheseconceptionsinwhichthefinitehasbeenadjustedtotheinfiniteandameaningfoundforlife——theconceptionofGod，ofwill，ofgoodness——wesubmittologicalexamination。Andallthoseconceptionsfailtostandreason’scriticism。
Wereitnotsoterribleitwouldbeludicrouswithwhatprideandself—satisfactionwe，likechildren，pullthewatchtopieces，takeoutthespring，makeatoyofit，andarethensurprisedthatthewatchdoesnotgo。
Asolutionofthecontradictionbetweenthefiniteandtheinfinite，andsuchareplytothequestionoflifeaswillmakeitpossibletolive，isnecessaryandprecious。Andthatistheonlysolutionwhichwefindeverywhere，always，andamongallpeoples：
asolutiondescendingfromtimesinwhichwelosesightofthelifeofman，asolutionsodifficultthatwecancomposenothinglikeit——andthissolutionwelight—heartedlydestroyinorderagaintosetthesamequestion，whichisnaturaltoeveryoneandtowhichwehavenoanswer。
Theconceptionofaninfinitegod，thedivinityofthesoul，theconnexionofhumanaffairswithGod，theunityandexistenceofthesoul，man’sconceptionofmoralgoodnessandevil——areconceptionsformulatedinthehiddeninfinityofhumanthought，theyarethoseconceptionswithoutwhichneitherlifenorIshouldexist；yetrejectingallthatlabourofthewholeofhumanity，I
wishedtoremakeitafreshmyselfandinmyownmanner。
Ididnotthenthinklikethat，butthegermsofthesethoughtswerealreadyinme。Iunderstood，inthefirstplace，thatmypositionwithSchopenhauerandSolomon，notwithstandingourwisdom，wasstupid：weseethatlifeisanevilandyetcontinuetolive。Thatisevidentlystupid，foriflifeissenselessandI
amsofondofwhatisreasonable，itshouldbedestroyed，andthentherewouldbenoonetochallengeit。Secondly，Iunderstoodthatallone’sreasoningsturnedinaviciouscirclelikeawheeloutofgearwithitspinion。Howevermuchandhoweverwellwemayreasonwecannotobtainareplytothequestion；andowillalwaysequalo，andthereforeourpathisprobablyerroneous。Thirdly，IbegantounderstandthatintherepliesgivenbyfaithisstoredupthedeepesthumanwisdomandthatIhadnorighttodenythemonthegroundofreason，andthatthoseanswersaretheonlyoneswhichreplytolife’squestion。
X
Iunderstoodthis，butitmademattersnobetterforme。I
wasnowreadytoacceptanyfaithifonlyitdidnotdemandofmeadirectdenialofreason——whichwouldbeafalsehood。AndI
studiedBuddhismandMohammedanismfrombooks，andmostofallI
studiedChristianitybothfrombooksandfromthepeoplearoundme。
NaturallyIfirstofallturnedtotheorthodoxofmycircle，topeoplewhowerelearned：toChurchtheologians，monks，totheologiansofthenewestshade，andeventoEvangelicalswhoprofesssalvationbybeliefintheRedemption。AndIseizedonthesebelieversandquestionedthemastotheirbeliefsandtheirunderstandingofthemeaningoflife。
ButthoughImadeallpossibleconcessions，andavoidedalldisputes，Icouldnotacceptthefaithofthesepeople。Isawthatwhattheygaveoutastheirfaithdidnotexplainthemeaningoflifebutobscuredit，andthattheythemselvesaffirmtheirbeliefnottoanswerthatquestionoflifewhichbroughtmetofaith，butforsomeotheraimsalientome。
Irememberthepainfulfeelingoffearofbeingthrownbackintomyformerstateofdespair，afterthehopeIoftenandoftenexperiencedinmyintercoursewiththesepeople。
Themorefullytheyexplainedtometheirdoctrines，themoreclearlydidIperceivetheirerrorandrealizedthatmyhopeoffindingintheirbeliefanexplanationofthemeaningoflifewasvain。
ItwasnotthatintheirdoctrinestheymixedmanyunnecessaryandunreasonablethingswiththeChristiantruthsthathadalwaysbeenneartome：thatwasnotwhatrepelledme。Iwasrepelledbythefactthatthesepeople’sliveswerelikemyown，withonlythisdifference——thatsuchalifedidnotcorrespondtotheprinciplestheyexpoundedintheirteachings。Iclearlyfeltthattheydeceivedthemselvesandthatthey，likemyselffoundnoothermeaninginlifethantolivewhilelifelasts，takingallone’shandscanseize。Isawthisbecauseiftheyhadhadameaningwhichdestroyedthefearofloss，suffering，anddeath，theywouldnothavefearedthesethings。Butthey，thesebelieversofourcircle，justlikemyself，livinginsufficiencyandsuperfluity，triedtoincreaseorpreservethem，fearedprivations，suffering，anddeath，andjustlikemyselfandallofusunbelievers，livedtosatisfytheirdesires，andlivedjustasbadly，ifnotworse，thantheunbelievers。
Noargumentscouldconvincemeofthetruthoftheirfaith。
Onlydeedswhichshowedthattheysawameaninginlifemakingwhatwassodreadfultome——poverty，sickness，anddeath——notdreadfultothem，couldconvinceme。AndsuchdeedsIdidnotseeamongthevariousbelieversinourcircle。Onthecontrary，Isawsuchdeedsdone[Footnote：thispassageisnoteworthyasbeingoneofthefewreferencesmadebyTolstoyatthisperiodtotherevolutionaryor\"Back—to—the—People\"movement，inwhichmanyyoungmenandwomenwereriskingandsacrificinghome，property，andlifeitselffrommotiveswhichhadmuchincommonwithhisownperceptionthattheupperlayersofSocietyareparasiticandpreyonthevitalsofthepeoplewhosupportthem。——A。M。]bypeopleofourcirclewhowerethemostunbelieving，butneverbyourso—
calledbelievers。
AndIunderstoodthatthebeliefofthesepeoplewasnotthefaithIsought，andthattheirfaithisnotarealfaithbutanepicureanconsolationinlife。
Iunderstoodthatthatfaithmayperhapsserve，ifnotforaconsolationatleastforsomedistractionforarepentantSolomononhisdeath—bed，butitcannotserveforthegreatmajorityofmankind，whoarecalledonnottoamusethemselveswhileconsumingthelabourofothersbuttocreatelife。
Forallhumanitytobeabletolive，andcontinuetoliveattributingameaningtolife，they，thosemilliards，musthaveadifferent，areal，knowledgeoffaith。Indeed，itwasnotthefactthatwe，withSolomonandSchopenhauer，didnotkillourselvesthatconvincedmeoftheexistenceoffaith，butthefactthatthosemilliardsofpeoplehavelivedandareliving，andhaveborneSolomonandusonthecurrentoftheirlives。
AndIbegantodrawneartothebelieversamongthepoor，simple，unletteredfolk：pilgrims，monks，sectarians，andpeasants。
ThefaithofthesecommonpeoplewasthesameChristianfaithaswasprofessedbythepseudo—believersofourcircle。Amongthem，too，IfoundagreatdealofsuperstitionmixedwiththeChristiantruths；butthedifferencewasthatthesuperstitionsofthebelieversofourcirclewerequiteunnecessarytothemandwerenotinconformitywiththeirlives，beingmerelyakindofepicureandiversion；butthesuperstitionsofthebelieversamongthelabouringmassesconformedsowiththeirlivesthatitwasimpossibletoimaginethemtooneselfwithoutthosesuperstitions，whichwereanecessaryconditionoftheirlife。thewholelifeofbelieversinourcirclewasacontradictionoftheirfaith，butthewholelifeoftheworking—folkbelieverswasaconfirmationofthemeaningoflifewhichtheirfaithgavethem。AndIbegantolookwellintothelifeandfaithofthesepeople，andthemoreI
considereditthemoreIbecameconvincedthattheyhavearealfaithwhichisanecessitytothemandalonegivestheirlifeameaningandmakesitpossibleforthemtolive。IncontrastwithwhatIhadseeninourcircle——wherelifewithoutfaithispossibleandwherehardlyoneinathousandacknowledgeshimselftobeabeliever——amongthemthereishardlyoneunbelieverinathousand。IncontrastwithwhatIhadseeninourcircle，wherethewholeoflifeispassedinidleness，amusement，anddissatisfaction，Isawthatthewholelifeofthesepeoplewaspassedinheavylabour，andthattheywerecontentwithlife。Incontradistinctiontothewayinwhichpeopleofourcircleopposefateandcomplainofitonaccountofdeprivationsandsufferings，thesepeopleacceptedillnessandsorrowwithoutanyperplexityoropposition，andwithaquietandfirmconvictionthatallisgood。
Incontradistinctiontous，whothewiserwearethelessweunderstandthemeaningoflife，andseesomeevilironyinthefactthatwesufferanddie，thesefolkliveandsuffer，andtheyapproachdeathandsufferingwithtranquillityandinmostcasesgladly。Incontrasttothefactthatatranquildeath，adeathwithouthorroranddespair，isaveryrareexceptioninourcircle，atroubled，rebellious，andunhappydeathistherarestexceptionamongthepeople。andsuchpeople，lackingallthatforusandforSolomonistheonlygoodoflifeandyetexperiencingthegreatesthappiness，areagreatmultitude。Ilookedmorewidelyaroundme。
Iconsideredthelifeoftheenormousmassofthepeopleinthepastandthepresent。Andofsuchpeople，understandingthemeaningoflifeandabletoliveandtodie，Isawnottwoorthree，ortens，buthundreds，thousands，andmillions。andtheyall——endlesslydifferentintheirmanners，minds，education，andposition，astheywere——allalike，incompletecontrasttomyignorance，knewthemeaningoflifeanddeath，labouredquietly，endureddeprivationsandsufferings，andlivedanddiedseeingthereinnotvanitybutgood。
AndIlearnttolovethesepeople。ThemoreIcametoknowtheirlife，thelifeofthosewhoarelivingandofotherswhoaredeadofwhomIreadandheard，themoreIlovedthemandtheeasieritbecameformetolive。SoIwentonforabouttwoyears，andachangetookplaceinmewhichhadlongbeenpreparingandthepromiseofwhichhadalwaysbeeninme。Itcameaboutthatthelifeofourcircle，therichandlearned，notmerelybecamedistastefultome，butlostallmeaninginmyeyes。Allouractions，discussions，scienceandart，presenteditselftomeinanewlight。Iunderstoodthatitisallmerelyself—indulgence，andthetofindameaninginitisimpossible；whilethelifeofthewholelabouringpeople，thewholeofmankindwhoproducelife，appearedtomeinitstruesignificance。Iunderstoodthat*that*
islifeitself，andthatthemeaninggiventothatlifeistrue：
andIacceptedit。
XI
Andrememberinghowthoseverybeliefshadrepelledmeandhadseemedmeaninglesswhenprofessedbypeoplewhoselivesconflictedwiththem，andhowthesesamebeliefsattractedmeandseemedreasonablewhenIsawthatpeoplelivedinaccordwiththem，I
understoodwhyIhadthenrejectedthosebeliefsandfoundthemmeaningless，yetnowacceptedthemandfoundthemfullofmeaning。
IunderstoodthatIhaderred，andwhyIerred。IhaderrednotsomuchbecauseIthoughtincorrectlyasbecauseIlivedbadly。I
understoodthatitwasnotanerrorinmythoughtthathadhidtruthfrommeasmuchasmylifeitselfintheexceptionalconditionsofepicureangratificationofdesiresinwhichIpassedit。Iunderstoodthatmyquestionastowhatmylifeis，andtheanswer——andevil——wasquitecorrect。Theonlymistakewasthattheanswerreferredonlytomylife，whileIhadreferredittolifeingeneral。Iaskedmyselfwhatmylifeis，andgotthereply：Anevilandanabsurdity。andreallymylife——alifeofindulgenceofdesires——wassenselessandevil，andthereforethereply，\"Lifeisevilandanabsurdity\"，referredonlytomylife，butnottohumanlifeingeneral。IunderstoodthetruthwhichI
afterwardsfoundintheGospels，\"thatmenloveddarknessratherthanthelight，fortheirworkswereevil。Foreveryonethatdoethillhateththelight，andcomethnottothelight，lesthisworksshouldbereproved。\"Iperceivedthattounderstandthemeaningoflifeitisnecessaryfirstthatlifeshouldnotbemeaninglessandevil，thenwecanapplyreasontoexplainit。IunderstoodwhyI
hadsolongwanderedroundsoevidentatruth，andthatifoneistothinkandspeakofthelifeofmankind，onemustthinkandspeakofthatlifeandnotofthelifeofsomeoflife’sparasites。Thattruthwasalwaysastrueasthattwoandtwoarefour，butIhadnotacknowledgedit，becauseonadmittingtwoandtwotobefourI
hadalsotoadmitthatIwasbad；andtofeelmyselftobegoodwasformemoreimportantandnecessarythanfortwoandtwotobefour。Icametolovegoodpeople，hatedmyself，andconfessedthetruth。Nowallbecamecleartome。