”Whynot?”hesaid。”Justasasignthatyoudon’tbearmeill-feelinganylonger。””Icouldn’t。”
Soamestookitoutofthecase。”Letmejustseehowitlooks。”
Sheshrankback。
Hefollowed，thrustinghishandwiththebroochinitagainstthefrontofherdress。Sheshrankagain。
Soamesdroppedhishand。”Irene，”hesaid，”letbygonesbebygones。IfIcan，surelyyoumight。Let’sbeginagain，asifnothinghadbeen。Won’tyou?”
Hisvoicewaswistful，andhiseyes，restingonherface，hadinthemasortofsupplication。
She，whowasstandingliterallywithherbackagainstthewall，gavealittlegulp，andthatwasallheranswer。Soameswenton：”Canyoureallywanttoliveallyourdayshalf-deadinthislittlehole?Comebacktome，andI’llgiveyouallyouwant。Youshallliveyourownlife；Iswearit。”
Hesawherfacequiverironically。”Yes，”herepeated，”butImeanitthistime。I’llonlyaskonething。Ijustwant——Ijustwantason。Don’tlooklikethat！I
wantone。It’shard。”Hisvoicehadgrownhurried，sothathehardlyknewitforhisown，andtwicehejerkedhisheadbackasifstrugglingforbreath。Itwasthesightofhereyesfixedonhim，darkwithasortoffascinatedfright，whichpulledhimtogetherandchangedthatpainfulincoherencetoanger。”Isitsoveryunnatural?”hesaidbetweenhisteeth，”Isitunnaturaltowantachildfromone’sownwife?Youwreckedourlifeandputthisblightoneverything。Wegoononlyhalfalive，andwithoutanyfuture。IsitsoveryunflatteringtoyouthatinspiteofeverythingI——Istillwantyouformywife?Speak，forGoodness’sake！dospeak。”
Ireneseemedtotry，butdidnotsucceed。”Idon’twanttofrightenyou，”saidSoamesmoregently。”Heavenknows。IonlywantyoutoseethatIcan’tgoonlikethis。I
wantyouback。Iwantyou。”
Ireneraisedonehandandcoveredthelowerpartofherface，buthereyesnevermovedfromhis，asthoughshetrustedinthemtokeephimatbay。Andallthoseyears，barrenandbitter，since——
ah！when?——almostsincehehadfirstknownher，surgedupinonegreatwaveofrecollectioninSoames；andaspasmthatforhislifehecouldnotcontrolconstrictedhisface。”It’snottoolate，”hesaid；”it’snot——ifyou’llonlybelieveit。”
Ireneuncoveredherlips，andbothherhandsmadeawrithinggestureinfrontofherbreast。Soamesseizedthem。”Don’t！”shesaidunderherbreath。Buthestoodholdingontothem，tryingtostareintohereyeswhichdidnotwaver。Thenshesaidquietly：”Iamalonehere。Youwon’tbehaveagainasyouoncebehaved。”
Droppingherhandsasthoughtheyhadbeenhotirons，heturnedaway。Wasitpossiblethattherecouldbesuchrelentlessunforgiveness！Couldthatoneactofviolentpossessionbestillalivewithinher?Diditbarhimthusutterly?Anddoggedlyhesaid，withoutlookingup：”Iamnotgoingtillyou’veansweredme。Iamofferingwhatfewmenwouldbringthemselvestooffer，Iwanta——areasonableanswer。”
Andalmostwithsurpriseheheardhersay：”Youcan’thaveareasonableanswer。Reasonhasnothingtodowithit。Youcanonlyhavethebrutaltruth：Iwouldratherdie。”
Soamesstaredather。”Oh！”hesaid。Andthereintervenedinhimasortofparalysisofspeechandmovement，thekindofquiveringwhichcomeswhenamanhasreceivedadeadlyinsult，anddoesnotyetknowhowheisgoingtotakeit，orratherwhatitisgoingtodowithhim。”Oh！”hesaidagain，”asbadasthat?Indeed！Youwouldratherdie。That’spretty！””Iamsorry。Youwantedmetoanswer。Ican’thelpthetruth，canI?”
AtthatqueerspiritualappealSoamesturnedforrelieftoactuality。Hesnappedthebroochbackintoitscaseandputitinhispocket。”Thetruth！”hesaid；”there’snosuchthingwithwomen。It’snerves-nerves。”
Heheardthewhisper：”Yes；nervesdon’tlie。Haven’tyoudiscoveredthat?”Hewassilent，obsessedbythethought：’Iwillhatethiswoman。Iwillhateher。’Thatwasthetrouble！Ifonlyhecould！Heshotaglanceatherwhostoodunmovingagainstthewallwithherheadupandherhandsclasped，foralltheworldasifsheweregoingtobeshot。Andhesaidquickly：”Idon’tbelieveawordofit。Youhavealover。Ifyouhadn’t，youwouldn’tbesucha——suchalittleidiot。”Hewasconscious，beforetheexpressioninhereyes，thathehadutteredsomethingofanon-sequitur，anddroppedbacktooabruptlyintotheverbalfreedomofhisconnubialdays。Heturnedawaytothedoor。Buthecouldnotgoout。Somethingwithinhim——thatmostdeepandsecretForsytequality，theimpossibilityoflettinggo，theimpossibilityofseeingthefantasticandforlornnatureofhisowntenacity——
preventedhim。Heturnedaboutagain，andtherestood，withhisbackagainstthedoor，asherswasagainstthewallopposite，quiteunconsciousofanythingridiculousinthisseparationbythewholewidthoftheroom。”Doyoueverthinkofanybodybutyourself?”hesaid。
Irene’slipsquivered；thensheansweredslowly：”DoyoueverthinkthatIfoundoutmymistake——myhopeless，terriblemistake——theveryfirstweekofourmarriage；thatIwentontryingthreeyears——youknowIwentontrying?Wasitformyself?”
Soamesgrittedhisteeth。”Godknowswhatitwas。I’veneverunderstoodyou；Ishallneverunderstandyou。Youhadeverythingyouwanted；andyoucanhaveitagain，andmore。What’sthematterwithme?Iaskyouaplainquestion：Whatisit?”Unconsciousofthepathosinthatenquiry，hewentonpassionately：”I’mnotlame，I’mnotloathsome，I’mnotaboor，I’mnotafool。Whatisit?
What’sthemysteryaboutme?”
Heranswerwasalongsigh。
Heclaspedhishandswithagesturethatforhimwasstrangelyfullofexpression。”WhenIcamehereto-nightIwas——Ihoped——ImeanteverythingthatIcouldtodoawaywiththepast，andstartfairagain。Andyoumeetmewith’nerves，’andsilence，andsighs。
There’snothingtangible。It’slike——it’slikeaspider’sweb。””Yes。”
ThatwhisperfromacrosstheroommaddenedSoamesafresh。”Well，Idon’tchoosetobeinaspider’sweb。I’llcutit。”Hewalkedstraightuptoher。”Now！”Whathehadgoneuptohertodohereallydidnotknow。Butwhenhewasclose，theoldfamiliarscentofherclothessuddenlyaffectedhim。Heputhishandsonhershouldersandbentforwardtokissher。Hekissednotherlips，butalittlehardlinewherethelipshadbeendrawnin；thenhisfacewaspressedawaybyherhands；heheardhersay：”Oh！
No！”Shame，compunction，senseoffutilityfloodedhiswholebeing，heturnedonhisheelandwentstraightout。
CHAPTERIII
VISITTOIRENE
JolyonfoundJunewaitingontheplatformatPaddington。Shehadreceivedhistelegramwhileatbreakfast。Herabode——astudioandtwobedroomsinaSt。John’sWoodgarden——hadbeenselectedbyherforthecompleteindependencewhichitguaranteed。UnwatchedbyMrs。Grundy，unhinderedbypermanentdomestics，shecouldreceivelameducksatanyhourofdayornight，andnotseldomhadaduckwithoutstudioofitsownmadeuseofJune’s。Sheenjoyedherfreedom，andpossessedherselfwithasortofvirginalpassion；thewarmthwhichshewouldhavelavishedonBosinney，andofwhich——
givenherForsytetenacity——hemustsurelyhavetired，shenowexpendedinchampionshipoftheunderdogsandbudding’geniuses’oftheartisticworld。Shelived，infact，toturnducksintotheswansshebelievedtheywere。Theveryfervourofherprotectionwarpedherjudgments。Butshewasloyalandliberal；hersmalleagerhandwaseveragainsttheoppressionsofacademicandcommercialopinion，andthoughherincomewasconsiderable，herbankbalancewasoftenaminusquantity。
ShehadcometoPaddingtonStationheatedinhersoulbyavisittoEricCobbley。AmiserableGalleryhadrefusedtoletthatstraight-hairedgeniushavehisone-manshowafterall。Itsimpudentmanager，aftervisitinghisstudio，hadexpressedtheopinionthatitwouldonlybea’one-horseshowfromthesellingpointofview。’Thiscrowningexampleofcommercialcowardicetowardsherfavouritelameduck——andhesohardup，withawifeandtwochildren，thathehadcausedheraccounttobeoverdrawn——wasstillmakingthebloodglowinhersmall，resoluteface，andherred-goldhairtoshinemorethanever。Shegaveherfatherahug，andgotintoacabwithhim，havingasmanyfishtofrywithhimashewithher。Itbecameatonceaquestionwhichwouldfrythemfirst。