第58章
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  Whatcouldfourteendayshavedonetobringherfromthatstatetothis?

  Torealisewhattheymeantbysayingthatshehadachanceoflifewasbeyondhim,knowingashedidthattheywereengaged。Heturned,stillenvelopedinthesamedrearymist,andwalkedtowardsthedoor。

  Suddenlyhesawitall。Hesawtheroomandthegarden,andthetreesmovingintheair,theycouldgoonwithouther;shecoulddie。

  Forthefirsttimesinceshefellillherememberedexactlywhatshelookedlikeandthewayinwhichtheycaredforeachother。

  Theimmensehappinessoffeelingherclosetohimmingledwithamoreintenseanxietythanhehadfeltyet。Hecouldnotletherdie;

  hecouldnotlivewithouther。Butafteramomentarystruggle,thecurtainfellagain,andhesawnothingandfeltnothingclearly。

  Itwasallgoingon——goingonstill,inthesamewayasbefore。

  Saveforaphysicalpainwhenhisheartbeat,andthefactthathisfingerswereicycold,hedidnotrealisethathewasanxiousaboutanything。WithinhismindheseemedtofeelnothingaboutRacheloraboutanyoneoranythingintheworld。Hewentongivingorders,arrangingwithMrs。Chailey,writingoutlists,andeverynowandthenhewentupstairsandputsomethingquietlyonthetableoutsideRachel’sdoor。ThatnightDr。Lesageseemedtobelesssulkythanusual。

  Hestayedvoluntarilyforafewmoments,and,addressingSt。JohnandTerenceequally,asifhedidnotrememberwhichofthemwasengagedtotheyounglady,said,“Iconsiderthatherconditionto-nightisverygrave。“

  Neitherofthemwenttobedorsuggestedthattheothershouldgotobed。

  Theysatinthedrawing-roomplayingpicquetwiththedooropen。

  St。Johnmadeupabeduponthesofa,andwhenitwasreadyinsistedthatTerenceshouldlieuponit。Theybegantoquarrelastowhoshouldlieonthesofaandwhoshouldlieuponacoupleofchairscoveredwithrugs。St。JohnforcedTerenceatlasttoliedownuponthesofa。

  “Don’tbeafool,Terence,“hesaid。“You’llonlygetillifyoudon’tsleep。“

  “Oldfellow,“hebegan,asTerencestillrefused,andstoppedabruptly,fearingsentimentality;hefoundthathewasonthevergeoftears。

  Hebegantosaywhathehadlongbeenwantingtosay,thathewassorryforTerence,thathecaredforhim,thathecaredforRachel。

  Didsheknowhowmuchhecaredforher——hadshesaidanything,askedperhaps?Hewasveryanxioustosaythis,butherefrained,thinkingthatitwasaselfishquestionafterall,andwhatwastheuseofbotheringTerencetotalkaboutsuchthings?

  Hewasalreadyhalfasleep。ButSt。Johncouldnotsleepatonce。

  Ifonly,hethoughttohimself,ashelayinthedarkness,somethingwouldhappen——ifonlythisstrainwouldcometoanend。

  Hedidnotmindwhathappened,solongasthesuccessionofthesehardanddrearydayswasbroken;hedidnotmindifshedied。

  Hefelthimselfdisloyalinnotmindingit,butitseemedtohimthathehadnofeelingsleft。

  Allnightlongtherewasnocallormovement,excepttheopeningandshuttingofthebedroomdooronce。Bydegreesthelightreturnedintotheuntidyroom。Atsixtheservantsbegantomove;

  atseventheycreptdownstairsintothekitchen;andhalfanhourlaterthedaybeganagain。

  Neverthelessitwasnotthesameasthedaysthathadgonebefore,althoughitwouldhavebeenhardtosayinwhatthedifferenceconsisted。

  Perhapsitwasthattheyseemedtobewaitingforsomething。

  Therewerecertainlyfewerthingstobedonethanusual。Peopledriftedthroughthedrawing-room——Mr。Flushing,Mr。andMrs。Thornbury。

  Theyspokeveryapologeticallyinlowtones,refusingtositdown,butremainingforaconsiderabletimestandingup,althoughtheonlythingtheyhadtosaywas,“Isthereanythingwecando?“andtherewasnothingtheycoulddo。

  Feelingoddlydetachedfromitall,TerencerememberedhowHelenhadsaidthatwheneveranythinghappenedtoyouthiswashowpeoplebehaved。

  Wassheright,orwasshewrong?Hewastoolittleinterestedtoframeanopinionofhisown。Heputthingsawayinhismind,asifoneofthesedayshewouldthinkaboutthem,butnotnow。

  Themistofunrealityhaddeepenedanddeepeneduntilithadproducedafeelingofnumbnessalloverhisbody。Wasithisbody?

  Werethosereallyhisownhands?

  ThismorningalsoforthefirsttimeRidleyfounditimpossibletositaloneinhisroom。Hewasveryuncomfortabledownstairs,and,ashedidnotknowwhatwasgoingon,constantlyintheway;

  buthewouldnotleavethedrawing-room。Toorestlesstoread,andhavingnothingtodo,hebegantopaceupanddownrecitingpoetryinanundertone。Occupiedinvariousways——nowinundoingparcels,nowinuncorkingbottles,nowinwritingdirections,thesoundofRidley’ssongandthebeatofhispacingworkedintothemindsofTerenceandSt。Johnallthemorningasahalfcomprehendedrefrain。

  Theywrestledup,theywrestleddown,Theywrestledsoreandstill:

  Thefiendwhoblindstheeyesofmen,Thatnighthehadhiswill。

  Likestagsfullspent,amongthebentTheydroppedawhiletorest——

  “Oh,it’sintolerable!“Hirstexclaimed,andthencheckedhimself,asifitwereabreachoftheiragreement。AgainandagainTerencewouldcreephalf-wayupthestairsincasehemightbeabletogleannewsofRachel。Buttheonlynewsnowwasofaveryfragmentarykind;

  shehaddrunksomething;shehadsleptalittle;sheseemedquieter。

  Inthesameway,Dr。Lesageconfinedhimselftotalkingaboutdetails,saveoncewhenhevolunteeredtheinformationthathehadjustbeencalledintoascertain,byseveringaveininthewrist,thatanoldladyofeighty-fivewasreallydead。Shehadahorrorofbeingburiedalive。

  “Itisahorror,“heremarked,“thatwegenerallyfindintheveryold,andseldomintheyoung。“Theybothexpressedtheirinterestinwhathetoldthem;itseemedtothemverystrange。Anotherstrangethingaboutthedaywasthattheluncheonwasforgottenbyallofthemuntilitwaslateintheafternoon,andthenMrs。Chaileywaitedonthem,andlookedstrangetoo,becausesheworeastiffprintdress,andhersleeveswererolledupaboveherelbows。Sheseemedasobliviousofherappearance,however,asifshehadbeencalledoutofherbedbyamidnightalarmoffire,andshehadforgotten,too,herreserveandhercomposure;shetalkedtothemquitefamiliarlyasifshehadnursedthemandheldthemnakedonherknee。

  Sheassuredthemoverandoveragainthatitwastheirdutytoeat。

  Theafternoon,beingthusshortened,passedmorequicklythantheyexpected。OnceMrs。Flushingopenedthedoor,butonseeingthemshutitagainquickly;onceHelencamedowntofetchsomething,butshestoppedasshelefttheroomtolookataletteraddressedtoher。Shestoodforamomentturningitover,andtheextraordinaryandmournfulbeautyofherattitudestruckTerenceinthewaythingsstruckhimnow——assomethingtobeputawayinhismindandtobethoughtaboutafterwards。Theyscarcelyspoke,theargumentbetweenthemseemingtobesuspendedorforgotten。

  Nowthattheafternoonsunhadleftthefrontofthehouse,Ridleypacedupanddowntheterracerepeatingstanzasofalongpoem,inasubduedbutsuddenlysonorousvoice。Fragmentsofthepoemwerewaftedinattheopenwindowashepassedandrepassed。

  PeorandBaalimForsaketheirTemplesdim,Withthattwicebatter’dGodofPalestineAndmoonedAstaroth——

  Thesoundofthesewordswerestrangelydiscomfortingtoboththeyoungmen,buttheyhadtobeborne。Astheeveningdrewonandtheredlightofthesunsetglitteredfarawayonthesea,thesamesenseofdesperationattackedbothTerenceandSt。Johnatthethoughtthatthedaywasnearlyover,andthatanothernightwasathand。

  TheappearanceofonelightafteranotherinthetownbeneaththemproducedinHirstarepetitionofhisterribleanddisgustingdesiretobreakdownandsob。ThenthelampswerebroughtinbyChailey。

  SheexplainedthatMaria,inopeningabottle,hadbeensofoolishastocutherarmbadly,butshehadbounditup;itwasunfortunatewhentherewassomuchworktobedone。Chaileyherselflimpedbecauseoftherheumatisminherfeet,butitappearedtohermerewasteoftimetotakeanynoticeoftheunrulyfleshofservants。

  Theeveningwenton。Dr。Lesagearrivedunexpectedly,andstayedupstairsaverylongtime。Hecamedownonceanddrankacupofcoffee。

  “Sheisveryill,“hesaidinanswertoRidley’squestion。

  Alltheannoyancehadbythistimelefthismanner,hewasgraveandformal,butatthesametimeitwasfullofconsideration,whichhadnotmarkeditbefore。Hewentupstairsagain。

  Thethreemensattogetherinthedrawing-room。Ridleywasquitequietnow,andhisattentionseemedtobethoroughlyawakened。

  Saveforlittlehalf-voluntarymovementsandexclamationsthatwerestifledatonce,theywaitedincompletesilence。

  Itseemedasiftheywereatlastbroughttogetherfacetofacewithsomethingdefinite。

  Itwasnearlyeleveno’clockwhenDr。Lesageagainappearedintheroom。

  Heapproachedthemveryslowly,anddidnotspeakatonce。

  HelookedfirstatSt。JohnandthenatTerence,andsaidtoTerence,“Mr。Hewet,Ithinkyoushouldgoupstairsnow。“

  Terenceroseimmediately,leavingtheothersseatedwithDr。Lesagestandingmotionlessbetweenthem。

  Chaileywasinthepassageoutside,repeatingoverandoveragain,“It’swicked——it’swicked。“

  Terencepaidhernoattention;heheardwhatshewassaying,butitconveyednomeaningtohismind。Allthewayupstairshekeptsayingtohimself,“Thishasnothappenedtome。Itisnotpossiblethatthishashappenedtome。“

  Helookedcuriouslyathisownhandonthebanisters。Thestairswereverysteep,anditseemedtotakehimalongtimetosurmountthem。

  Insteadoffeelingkeenly,asheknewthatheoughttofeel,hefeltnothingatall。WhenheopenedthedoorhesawHelensittingbythebedside。Therewereshadedlightsonthetable,andtheroom,thoughitseemedtobefullofagreatmanythings,wasverytidy。

  Therewasafaintandnotunpleasantsmellofdisinfectants。

  Helenroseandgaveupherchairtohiminsilence。Astheypassedeachothertheireyesmetinapeculiarlevelglance,hewonderedattheextraordinaryclearnessofhiseyes,andatthedeepcalmandsadnessthatdweltinthem。Hesatdownbythebedside,andamomentafterwardsheardthedoorshutgentlybehindher。

  HewasalonewithRachel,andafaintreflectionofthesenseofreliefthattheyusedtofeelwhentheywereleftalonepossessedhim。

  Helookedather。Heexpectedtofindsometerriblechangeinher,buttherewasnone。Shelookedindeedverythin,and,asfarashecouldsee,verytired,butshewasthesameasshehadalwaysbeen。

  Moreover,shesawhimandknewhim。Shesmiledathimandsaid,“Hullo,Terence。“

  Thecurtainwhichhadbeendrawnbetweenthemforsolongvanishedimmediately。

  “Well,Rachel,“herepliedinhisusualvoice,uponwhichsheopenedhereyesquitewidelyandsmiledwithherfamiliarsmile。

  Hekissedherandtookherhand。

  “It’sbeenwretchedwithoutyou,“hesaid。

  Shestilllookedathimandsmiled,butsoonaslightlookoffatigueorperplexitycameintohereyesandsheshutthemagain。

  “Butwhenwe’retogetherwe’reperfectlyhappy,“hesaid。

  Hecontinuedtoholdherhand。

  Thelightbeingdim,itwasimpossibletoseeanychangeinherface。

  AnimmensefeelingofpeacecameoverTerence,sothathehadnowishtomoveortospeak。Theterribletortureandunrealityofthelastdayswereover,andhehadcomeoutnowintoperfectcertaintyandpeace。Hismindbegantoworknaturallyagainandwithgreatease。Thelongerhesattherethemoreprofoundlywasheconsciousofthepeaceinvadingeverycornerofhissoul。

  Onceheheldhisbreathandlistenedacutely;shewasstillbreathing;

  hewentonthinkingforsometime;theyseemedtobethinkingtogether;

  heseemedtobeRachelaswellashimself;andthenhelistenedagain;

  no,shehadceasedtobreathe。Somuchthebetter——thiswasdeath。

  Itwasnothing;itwastoceasetobreathe。Itwashappiness,itwasperfecthappiness。Theyhadnowwhattheyhadalwayswantedtohave,theunionwhichhadbeenimpossiblewhiletheylived。

  Unconsciouswhetherhethoughtthewordsorspokethemaloud,hesaid,“Notwopeoplehaveeverbeensohappyaswehavebeen。

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