第41章
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  Shewasinastateofgreatexcitement,andthemusclesofherarmsweretwitchingnervously。ItwasevidentthatshewasonlywaitingforthedoortoshuttotellRachelallaboutit。Indeed,directlytheywereinsideherroom,shesatontheendofthebedandsaid,“IsupposeyouthinkI’mmad?“

  Rachelwasnotinthemoodtothinkclearlyaboutanyone’sstateofmind。Shewashoweverinthemoodtosaystraightoutwhateveroccurredtoherwithoutfearoftheconsequences。

  “Somebody’sproposedtoyou,“sheremarked。

  “Howonearthdidyouguessthat?“Evelynexclaimed,somepleasureminglingwithhersurprise。“DoasIlookasifI’djusthadaproposal?“

  “Youlookasifyouhadthemeveryday,“Rachelreplied。

  “ButIdon’tsupposeI’vehadmorethanyou’vehad,“Evelynlaughedratherinsincerely。

  “I’veneverhadone。“

  “Butyouwill——lots——it’stheeasiestthingintheworld——Butthat’snotwhat’shappenedthisafternoonexactly。It’s——Oh,it’samuddle,adetestable,horrible,disgustingmuddle!“

  Shewenttothewash-standandbegansponginghercheekswithcoldwater;

  fortheywereburninghot。Stillspongingthemandtremblingslightlysheturnedandexplainedinthehighpitchedvoiceofnervousexcitement:

  “AlfredPerrottsaysI’vepromisedtomarryhim,andIsayIneverdid。

  Sinclairsayshe’llshoothimselfifIdon’tmarryhim,andIsay,’Well,shootyourself!’Butofcoursehedoesn’t——theyneverdo。

  AndSinclairgotholdofmethisafternoonandbeganbotheringmetogiveananswer,andaccusingmeofflirtingwithAlfredPerrott,andtoldmeI’dnoheart,andwasmerelyaSiren,oh,andquantitiesofpleasantthingslikethat。SoatlastIsaidtohim,’Well,Sinclair,you’vesaidenoughnow。Youcanjustletmego。’

  Andthenhecaughtmeandkissedme——thedisgustingbrute——Icanstillfeelhisnastyhairyfacejustthere——asifhe’danyrightto,afterwhathe’dsaid!“

  Shespongedaspotonherleftcheekenergetically。

  “I’venevermetamanthatwasfittocomparewithawoman!“

  shecried;“they’venodignity,they’venocourage,they’venothingbuttheirbeastlypassionsandtheirbrutestrength!Wouldanywomanhavebehavedlikethat——ifamanhadsaidhedidn’twanther?

  We’vetoomuchself-respect;we’reinfinitelyfinerthantheyare。“

  Shewalkedabouttheroom,dabbingherwetcheekswithatowel。

  Tearswerenowrunningdownwiththedropsofcoldwater。

  “Itmakesmeangry,“sheexplained,dryinghereyes。

  Rachelsatwatchingher。ShedidnotthinkofEvelyn’sposition;

  sheonlythoughtthattheworldwasfullorpeopleintorment。

  “There’sonlyonemanhereIreallylike,“Evelyncontinued;

  “TerenceHewet。Onefeelsasifonecouldtrusthim。“

  AtthesewordsRachelsufferedanindescribablechill;herheartseemedtobepressedtogetherbycoldhands。

  “Why?“sheasked。“Whycanyoutrusthim?“

  “Idon’tknow,“saidEvelyn。“Don’tyouhavefeelingsaboutpeople?

  Feelingsyou’reabsolutelycertainareright?IhadalongtalkwithTerencetheothernight。Ifeltwewerereallyfriendsafterthat。

  There’ssomethingofawomaninhim——“ShepausedasthoughshewerethinkingofveryintimatethingsthatTerencehadtoldher,soatleastRachelinterpretedhergaze。

  Shetriedtoforceherselftosay,“Hastobeproposedtoyou?“

  butthequestionwastootremendous,andinanothermomentEvelynwassayingthatthefinestmenwerelikewomen,andwomenwerenoblerthanmen——forexample,onecouldn’timagineawomanlikeLillahHarrisonthinkingameanthingorhavinganythingbaseabouther。

  “HowI’dlikeyoutoknowher!“sheexclaimed。

  Shewasbecomingmuchcalmer,andhercheekswerenowquitedry。

  Hereyeshadregainedtheirusualexpressionofkeenvitality,andsheseemedtohaveforgottenAlfredandSinclairandheremotion。

  “LillahrunsahomeforinebriatewomenintheDeptfordRoad,“

  shecontinued。“Shestartedit,managedit,dideverythingoffherownbat,andit’snowthebiggestofitskindinEngland。

  Youcan’tthinkwhatthosewomenarelike——andtheirhomes。

  Butshegoesamongthematallhoursofthedayandnight。

  I’veoftenbeenwithher……That’swhat’sthematterwithus……Wedon’t_do_things。Whatdoyou_do_?“shedemanded,lookingatRachelwithaslightlyironicalsmile。Rachelhadscarcelylistenedtoanyofthis,andherexpressionwasvacantandunhappy。

  ShehadconceivedanequaldislikeforLillahHarrisonandherworkintheDeptfordRoad,andforEvelynM。andherprofusionofloveaffairs。

  “Iplay,“shesaidwithanaffectionofstolidcomposure。

  “That’saboutit!“Evelynlaughed。“Wenoneofusdoanythingbutplay。Andthat’swhywomenlikeLillahHarrison,who’sworthtwentyofyouandme,havetoworkthemselvestothebone。

  ButI’mtiredofplaying,“shewenton,lyingflatonthebed,andraisingherarmsaboveherhead。Thusstretchedout,shelookedmorediminutivethanever。

  “I’mgoingtodosomething。I’vegotasplendididea。Lookhere,youmustjoin。I’msureyou’vegotanyamountofstuffinyou,thoughyoulook——well,asifyou’dlivedallyourlifeinagarden。“

  Shesatup,andbegantoexplainwithanimation。“IbelongtoaclubinLondon。ItmeetseverySaturday,soit’scalledtheSaturdayClub。

  We’resupposedtotalkaboutart,butI’msickoftalkingaboutart——

  what’sthegoodofit?Withallkindsofrealthingsgoingonroundone?

  Itisn’tasifthey’dgotanythingtosayaboutart,either。

  SowhatI’mgoingtotell’emisthatwe’vetalkedenoughaboutart,andwe’dbettertalkaboutlifeforachange。Questionsthatreallymattertopeople’slives,theWhiteSlaveTraffic,WomenSuffrage,theInsuranceBill,andsoon。Andwhenwe’vemadeupourmindwhatwewanttodowecouldformourselvesintoasocietyfordoingit……I’mcertainthatifpeoplelikeourselvesweretotakethingsinhandinsteadofleavingittopolicemenandmagistrates,wecouldputastopto——prostitution“——sheloweredhervoiceattheuglyword——“insixmonths。Myideaisthatmenandwomenoughttojoininthesematters。WeoughttogointoPiccadillyandstoponeofthesepoorwretchesandsay:’Now,lookhere,I’mnobetterthanyouare,andIdon’tpretendtobeanybetter,butyou’redoingwhatyouknowtobebeastly,andIwon’thaveyoudoingbeastlythings,becausewe’reallthesameunderourskins,andifyoudoabeastlythingitdoesmattertome。’

  That’swhatMr。Baxwassayingthismorning,andit’strue,thoughyoucleverpeople——you’reclevertoo,aren’tyou?——

  don’tbelieveit。“

  WhenEvelynbegantalking——itwasafactsheoftenregretted——

  herthoughtscamesoquicklythatsheneverhadanytimetolistentootherpeople’sthoughts。Shecontinuedwithoutmorepausethanwasneededfortakingbreath。

  “Idon’tseewhytheSaturdayclubpeopleshouldn’tdoareallygreatworkinthatway,“shewenton。“Ofcourseitwouldwantorganisation,someonetogivetheirlifetoit,butI’mreadytodothat。Mynotion’stothinkofthehumanbeingsfirstandlettheabstractideastakecareofthemselves。What’swrongwithLillah——ifthereisanythingwrong——

  isthatshethinksofTemperancefirstandthewomenafterwards。

  Nowthere’sonethingI’llsaytomycredit,“shecontinued;

  “I’mnotintellectualorartisticoranythingofthatsort,butI’mjollyhuman。“Sheslippedoffthebedandsatonthefloor,lookingupatRachel。Shesearchedupintoherfaceasifsheweretryingtoreadwhatkindofcharacterwasconcealedbehindtheface。

  SheputherhandonRachel’sknee。

  “It_is_beinghumanthatcounts,isn’tit?“shecontinued。

  “Beingreal,whateverMr。Hirstmaysay。Areyoureal?“

  RachelfeltmuchasTerencehadfeltthatEvelynwastooclosetoher,andthattherewassomethingexcitinginthiscloseness,althoughitwasalsodisagreeable。Shewassparedtheneedoffindingananswertothequestion,forEvelynproceeded,“Doyou_believe_inanything?“

  Inordertoputanendtothescrutinyofthesebrightblueeyes,andtorelieveherownphysicalrestlessness,Rachelpushedbackherchairandexclaimed,“Ineverything!“andbegantofingerdifferentobjects,thebooksonthetable,thephotographs,thefreshlyleavedplantwiththestiffbristles,whichstoodinalargeearthenwarepotinthewindow。

  “Ibelieveinthebed,inthephotographs,inthepot,inthebalcony,inthesun,inMrs。Flushing,“sheremarked,stillspeakingrecklessly,withsomethingatthebackofhermindforcinghertosaythethingsthatoneusuallydoesnotsay。“ButIdon’tbelieveinGod,Idon’tbelieveinMr。Bax,Idon’tbelieveinthehospitalnurse。

  Idon’tbelieve——“Shetookupaphotographand,lookingatit,didnotfinishhersentence。

  “That’smymother,“saidEvelyn,whoremainedsittingonthefloorbindingherkneestogetherwithherarms,andwatchingRachelcuriously。

  Rachelconsideredtheportrait。“Well,Idon’tmuchbelieveinher,“

  sheremarkedafteratimeinalowtoneofvoice。

  Mrs。Murgatroydlookedindeedasifthelifehadbeencrushedoutofher;shekneltonachair,gazingpiteouslyfrombehindthebodyofaPomeraniandogwhichsheclaspedtohercheek,asifforprotection。

  “Andthat’smydad,“saidEvelyn,forthereweretwophotographsinoneframe。Thesecondphotographrepresentedahandsomesoldierwithhighregularfeaturesandaheavyblackmoustache;

  hishandrestedonthehiltofhissword;therewasadecidedlikenessbetweenhimandEvelyn。

  “Andit’sbecauseofthem,“saidEvelyn,“thatI’mgoingtohelptheotherwomen。You’veheardaboutme,Isuppose?

  Theyweren’tmarried,yousee;I’mnotanybodyinparticular。

  I’mnotabitashamedofit。Theylovedeachotheranyhow,andthat’smorethanmostpeoplecansayoftheirparents。“

  Rachelsatdownonthebed,withthetwopicturesinherhands,andcomparedthem——themanandthewomanwhohad,soEvelynsaid,lovedeachother。ThatfactinterestedhermorethanthecampaignonbehalfofunfortunatewomenwhichEvelynwasoncemorebeginningtodescribe。Shelookedagainfromonetotheother。

  “Whatd’youthinkit’slike,“sheasked,asEvelynpausedforaminute,“beinginlove?“

  “Haveyouneverbeeninlove?“Evelynasked。“Ohno——one’sonlygottolookatyoutoseethat,“sheadded。Sheconsidered。

  “Ireallywasinloveonce,“shesaid。Shefellintoreflection,hereyeslosingtheirbrightvitalityandapproachingsomethinglikeanexpressionoftenderness。“Itwasheavenly!——whileitlasted。

  Theworstofitisitdon’tlast,notwithme。That’sthebother。“

  ShewentontoconsiderthedifficultywithAlfredandSinclairaboutwhichshehadpretendedtoaskRachel’sadvice。Butshedidnotwantadvice;shewantedintimacy。WhenshelookedatRachel,whowasstilllookingatthephotographsonthebed,shecouldnothelpseeingthatRachelwasnotthinkingabouther。Whatwasshethinkingabout,then?Evelynwastormentedbythelittlesparkoflifeinherwhichwasalwaystryingtoworkthroughtootherpeople,andwasalwaysbeingrebuffed。Fallingsilentshelookedathervisitor,hershoes,herstockings,thecombsinherhair,allthedetailsofherdressinshort,asthoughbyseizingeverydetailshemightgetclosertothelifewithin。

  Rachelatlastputdownthephotographs,walkedtothewindowandremarked,“It’sodd。Peopletalkasmuchaboutloveastheydoaboutreligion。“

  “Iwishyou’dsitdownandtalk,“saidEvelynimpatiently。

  InsteadRachelopenedthewindow,whichwasmadeintwolongpanes,andlookeddownintothegardenbelow。

  “That’swherewegotlostthefirstnight,“shesaid。“Itmusthavebeeninthosebushes。“

  “Theykillhensdownthere,“saidEvelyn。“Theycuttheirheadsoffwithaknife——disgusting!Buttellme——what——“

  “I’dliketoexplorethehotel,“Rachelinterrupted。ShedrewherheadinandlookedatEvelyn,whostillsatonthefloor。

  “It’sjustlikeotherhotels,“saidEvelyn。

  Thatmightbe,althougheveryroomandpassageandchairintheplacehadacharacterofitsowninRachel’seyes;

  butshecouldnotbringherselftostayinoneplaceanylonger。

  Shemovedslowlytowardsthedoor。

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