had，livedalifeofsomereading，contemplation，andinquiry；thatIhadnotstudied，asIrathersupposedIhad，toinculcatesomeChristianlessonsinbooks；thatIhadnevertried，asIrathersupposedIhad，toturnachildortwotenderlytowardstheknowledgeandloveofourSaviour；thatIhadneverhad，asI
rathersupposedIhadhad，departedfriends，orstoodbesideopengraves；butthatIhadlivedalifeof’uninterruptedprosperity，’
andthatIneededthis’check，overmuch，’andthatthewaytoturnittoaccountwastoreadthesesermonsandthesepoems，enclosed，andwrittenandissuedbymycorrespondent！IbegitmaybeunderstoodthatIrelatefactsofmyownuncommercialexperience，andnovainimaginings。Thedocumentsinprooflienearmyhand。
Anotheroddentryonthefly-leaf，ofamoreentertainingcharacter，wasthewonderfulpersistencywithwhichkindsympathisersassumedthatIhadinjuriouslycoupledwiththesosuddenlyrelinquishedpursuit，thosepersonalhabitsofminemostobviouslyincompatiblewithit，andmostplainlyimpossibleofbeingmaintained，alongwithit。As，allthatexercise，allthatcoldbathing，allthatwindandweather，allthatuphilltraining-
allthateverythingelse，say，whichisusuallycarriedaboutbyexpresstrainsinaportmanteauandhat-box，andpartakenofunderaflamingrowofgas-lightsinthecompanyoftwothousandpeople。
Thisassumingofawholecaseagainstallfactandlikelihood，struckmeasparticularlydroll，andwasanoddityofwhichI
certainlyhadhadnoadequateexperienceinlifeuntilIturnedthatcuriousfly-leaf。
Myoldacquaintancesthebegging-letterwriterscameoutonthefly-leaf，verypiouslyindeed。Theywereglad，atsuchaseriouscrisis，toaffordmeanotheropportunityofsendingthatPost-
officeorder。Ineedn’tmakeitapound，aspreviouslyinsistedon；tenshillingsmighteasemymind。AndHeavenforbidthattheyshouldrefuse，atsuchaninsignificantfigure，totakeaweightoffthememoryofanerringfellow-creature！Onegentleman，ofanartisticturnandcopiouslyillustratingthebooksoftheMendicitySociety，thoughtitmightsoothemyconscience，inthetenderrespectofgiftsmisused，ifIwouldimmediatelycashupinaidofhislowlytalentfororiginaldesign-asaspecimenofwhichheenclosedmeaworkofartwhichIrecognizedasatracingfromawoodcutoriginallypublishedinthelateMrs。Trollope’sbookonAmerica，fortyorfiftyyearsago。Thenumberofpeoplewhowerepreparedtolivelongyearsafterme，untiringbenefactorstotheirspecies，forfiftypoundsapiecedown，wasastonishing。
Also，ofthosewhowantedbank-notesforstiffpenitentialamounts，togiveaway:-nottokeep，onanyaccount。
Diverswonderfulmedicinesandmachinesinsinuatedrecommendationsofthemselvesintothefly-leafthatwastohavebeensoblank。Itwasspeciallyobservablethateveryprescriber，whetherinamoralorphysicaldirection，knewmethoroughly-knewmefromheadtoheel，inandout，throughandthrough，upsidedown。Iwasaglasspieceofgeneralproperty，andeverybodywasonthemostsurprisinglyintimatetermswithme。Afewpublicinstitutionshadcomplimentaryperceptionsofcornersinmymind，ofwhich，afterconsiderableself-examination，Ihavenotdiscoveredanyindication。Neatlittleprintedformswereaddressedtothosecorners，beginningwiththewords:’Igiveandbequeath。’
Willitseemexaggerativetostatemybeliefthatthemosthonest，themostmodest，andtheleastvain-gloriousofalltherecordsuponthisstrangefly-leaf，wasaletterfromtheself-deceiveddiscovererofthereconditesecret’howtolivefourorfivehundredyears’？Doubtlessitwillseemso，yetthestatementisnotexaggerativebyanymeans，butismadeinmyseriousandsincereconviction。Withthis，andwithalaughattherestthatshallnotbecynical，IturntheFly-leaf，andgoonagain。
OnedaythislastWhitsuntide，atpreciselyeleveno’clockintheforenoon，theresuddenlyrodeintothefieldofviewcommandedbythewindowsofmylodginganequestrianphenomenon。Itwasafellow-creatureonhorseback，dressedintheabsurdestmanner。Thefellow-creatureworehighboots；someotherandmuchlarger
fellow-creature’sbreeches，ofaslack-bakeddoughycolourandabaggyform；ablueshirt，whereoftheskirt，ortail，waspuffilytuckedintothewaist-bandofthesaidbreeches；nocoat；aredshoulder-belt；andademi-semi-militaryscarlethat，withafeatheredornamentinfront，which，totheuninstructedhumanvision，hadtheappearanceofamoultingshuttlecock。IlaiddownthenewspaperwithwhichIhadbeenoccupied，andsurveyedthefellow-maninquestionwithastonishment。Whetherhehadbeensittingtoanypainterasafrontispieceforaneweditionof’SartorResartus；’whether’thehuskorshellofhim，’astheesteemedHerrTeufelsdrochmightputit，werefoundedonajockey，onacircus，onGeneralGaribaldi，oncheapporcelain，onatoyshop，onGuyFawkes，onwaxwork，ongold-digging，onBedlam，oronall，-weredoubtsthatgreatlyexercisedmymind。Meanwhile，myfellow-manstumbledandslided，excessivelyagainsthiswill，ontheslipperystonesofmyCovent-gardenstreet，andelicitedshrieksfromseveralsympatheticfemales，byconvulsivelyrestraininghimselffrompitchingoverhishorse’shead。Intheverycrisisoftheseevolutions，andindeedatthetryingmomentwhenhischarger’stailwasinatobacconist’sshop，andhisheadanywhereabouttown，thiscavalierwasjoinedbytwosimilarportents，who，likewisestumblingandsliding，causedhimtostumbleandslidethemoredistressingly。AtlengththisGilpiniantriumvirateeffectedahalt，and，lookingnorthward，wavedtheirthreerighthandsascommandingunseentroops，to’Up，guards！andat’em。’Hereuponabrazenbandburstforth，whichcausedthemtobeinstantlyboltedwithtosomeremotespotofearthinthedirectionoftheSurreyHills。
Judgingfromtheseappearancesthataprocessionwasunderway，I
threwupmywindow，and，craningout，hadthesatisfactionofbeholdingitadvancingalongthestreets。ItwasaTeetotalprocession，asIlearntfromitsbanners，andwaslongenoughtoconsumetwentyminutesinpassing。Therewereagreatnumberofchildreninit，someofthemsoveryyoungintheirmothers’armsastobeintheactofpracticallyexemplifyingtheirabstinencefromfermentedliquors，andattachmenttoanunintoxicatingdrink，whiletheprocessiondefiled。Thedisplaywas，onthewhole，pleasanttosee，asanygood-humouredholidayassemblageofclean，cheerful，andwell-conductedpeopleshouldbe。Itwasbrightwithribbons，tinsel，andshoulder-belts，andaboundedinflowers，asifthoselattertrophieshadcomeupinprofusionundermuchwatering。
Thedaybeingbreezy，theinsubordinationofthelargebannerswasveryreprehensible。Eachofthesebeingbornealoftontwopolesandstayedwithsomehalf-dozenlines，wascarried，aspolitebooksinthelastcenturyusedtobewritten，by’varioushands，’andtheanxietyexpressedintheupturnedfacesofthoseofficers，-
somethingbetweentheanxietyattendantonthebalancingart，andthatinseparablefromthepastimeofkite-flying，withatouchoftheangler’squalityinlandinghisscalyprey，-muchimpressedme。Suddenly，too，abannerwouldshiverinthewind，andgoaboutinthemostinconvenientmanner。Thisalwayshappenedoftenestwithsuchgorgeousstandardsasthoserepresentingagentlemaninblack，corpulentwithteaandwater，inthelaudableactofsummarilyreformingafamily，feebleandpinchedwithbeer。Thegentlemaninblackdistendedbywindwouldthenconducthimselfwiththemostunbecominglevity，whilethebeeryfamily，growingbeerier，wouldfranticallytrytotearthemselvesawayfromhisministration。Someoftheinscriptionsaccompanyingthebannerswereofahighlydeterminedcharacter，as’Wenever，neverwillgiveupthetemperancecause，’withsimilarsoundresolutionsrathersuggestivetotheprofanemindofMrs。Micawber’s’IneverwilldesertMr。Micawber，’andofMr。Micawber’sretort，’Really，mydear，Iamnotawarethatyouwereeverrequiredbyanyhumanbeingtodoanythingofthesort。’
Atintervals，agloomwouldfallonthepassingmembersoftheprocession，forwhichIwasatfirstunabletoaccount。ButthisI
discovered，afteralittleobservation，tobeoccasionedbythecomingonoftheexecutioners，-theterribleofficialbeingswhoweretomakethespeechesby-and-by，-whoweredistributedinopencarriagesatvariouspointsofthecavalcade。Adarkcloudandasensationofdampness，asfrommanywetblankets，invariablyprecededtherollingonofthedreadfulcarscontainingtheseheadsmen；andInoticedthatthewretchedpeoplewhocloselyfollowedthem，andwhowereinamannerforcedtocontemplatetheirfoldedarms，complacentcountenances，andthreateninglips，weremoreovershadowedbythecloudanddampthanthoseinfront。
Indeed，Iperceivedinsomeofthesesomoodyanimplacabilitytowardsthemagnatesofthescaffold，andsoplainadesiretotearthemlimbfromlimb，thatIwouldrespectfullysuggesttothemanagerstheexpediencyofconveyingtheexecutionerstothesceneoftheirdismallaboursbyunfrequentedways，andinclosely-tiltedcarts，nextWhitsuntide。
Theprocessionwascomposedofaseriesofsmallerprocessions，whichhadcometogether，eachfromitsownmetropolitandistrict。
AninfusionofallegorybecameperceptiblewhenpatrioticPeckhamadvanced。SoIjudged，fromthecircumstanceofPeckham’sunfurlingasilkenbannerthatfannedheavenandearthwiththewords，’ThePeckhamLifeboat。’Noboatbeinginattendance，thoughlife，inthelikenessof’agallant，gallantcrew，’innauticaluniform，followedtheflag，IwasledtomeditateonthefactthatPeckhamisdescribedbygeographersasaninlandsettlement，withnolargerornearershore-linethanthetowing-pathoftheSurreyCanal，onwhichstormystationIhadbeengiventounderstandnolifeboatexists。ThusIdeducedanallegoricalmeaning，andcametotheconclusion，thatifpatrioticPeckhampickedapeckofpickledpoetry，thisWASthepeckofpickledpoetrywhichpatrioticPeckhampicked。
Ihaveobservedthattheaggregateprocessionwasonthewholepleasanttosee。Imadeuseofthatqualifiedexpressionwithadirectmeaning，whichIwillnowexplain。Itinvolvesthetitleofthispaper，andalittlefairtryingofteetotalismbyitsowntests。Thereweremanypeopleonfoot，andmanypeopleinvehiclesofvariouskinds。Theformerwerepleasanttosee，andthelatterwerenotpleasanttosee；forthereasonthatInever，onanyoccasionorunderanycircumstances，havebeheldheavieroverloadingofhorsesthaninthispublicshow。Unlesstheimpositionofagreatvanladenwithfromtentotwentypeopleonasinglehorsebeamoderatetaskingofthepoorcreature，thenthetemperateuseofhorseswasimmoderateandcruel。Fromthesmallestandlightesthorsetothelargestandheaviest，thereweremanyinstancesinwhichthebeastofburdenwassoshamefullyoverladen，thattheSocietyforthePreventionofCrueltytoAnimalshavefrequentlyinterposedinlessgrosscases。
Now，Ihavealwaysheldthattheremaybe，andthatthereunquestionablyis，suchathingasusewithoutabuse，andthatthereforethetotalabolitionistsareirrationalandwrong-headed。
Buttheprocessioncompletelyconvertedme。Forsolargeanumberofthepeopleusingdraught-horsesinitweresoclearlyunabletousethemwithoutabusingthem，thatIperceivedtotalabstinencefromhorsefleshtobetheonlyremedyofwhichthecaseadmitted。
Asitisallonetoteetotalerswhetheryoutakehalfapintofbeerorhalfagallon，soitwasalloneherewhetherthebeastofburdenwereaponyoracart-horse。Indeed，mycasehadthespecialstrengththatthehalf-pintquadrupedunderwentasmuchsufferingasthehalf-gallonquadruped。Moral:totalabstinencefromhorsefleshthroughthewholelengthandbreadthofthescale。
Thispledgewillbeincourseofadministrationtoallteetotalprocessionists，notpedestrians，atthepublishingofficeof’AlltheYearRound，’onthe1stdayofApril，1870。
Observeapointforconsideration。Thisprocessioncomprisedmanypersonsintheirgigs，broughams，tax-carts，barouches，chaises，andwhatnot，whoweremercifultothedumbbeaststhatdrewthem，anddidnotoverchargetheirstrength。Whatistobedonewiththoseunoffendingpersons？Iwillnotrunamuckandvilifyanddefamethem，asteetotaltractsandplatformswouldmostassuredlydo，ifthequestionwereoneofdrinkinginsteadofdriving:I
merelyaskwhatistobedonewiththem！Thereplyadmitsofnodisputewhatever。Manifestly，instrictaccordancewithteetotaldoctrines，THEYmustcomeintoo，andtakethetotalabstinencefromhorsefleshpledge。Itisnotpretendedthatthosemembersoftheprocessionmisusedcertainauxiliarieswhichinmostcountriesandallageshavebeenbestoweduponmanforhisuse，butitisundeniablethatothermembersoftheprocessiondid。Teetotalmathematicsdemonstratethatthelessincludesthegreater；thattheguiltyincludetheinnocent，theblindtheseeing，thedeafthehearing，thedumbthespeaking，thedrunkenthesober。Ifanyofthemoderateusersofdraught-cattleinquestionshoulddeemthatthereisanygentleviolencedonetotheirreasonbytheseelementsoflogic，theyareinvitedtocomeoutoftheprocessionnextWhitsuntide，andlookatitfrommywindow。
End