第2章
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  Ifairlyshouted,forIhadneverhearditsoundbetter;andthenIwasbackathimasquickasaflash——\"Right,yourExcellency!ButIreckonaFrenchman’sgothislittlestand—byforadulltime,too;becausewhenallotherinterestsfailhecanturninandseeifhecan’tfindoutwhohisfatherwas!\"

  Well,youshouldhaveheardhimjustwhoop,andcackle,andcarryon!

  Hereachedupandhitmeoneontheshoulder,andsays:

  \"Land,butit’sgood!It’sim—menselygood!I’George,Ineverhearditsaidsogoodinmylifebefore!Sayitagain。\"

  SoIsaiditagain,andhesaidhisagain,andIsaidmineagain,andthenhedid,andthenIdid,andthenhedid,andwekeptondoingit,anddoingit,andIneverhadsuchagoodtime,andhesaidthesame。

  Inmyopinionthereisn’tanythingthatisaskillingasoneofthosedearoldripepensionersifyouknowhowtosnatchitoutinakindofafreshsortoforiginalway。

  ButIwishM。Bourgethadreadmoreofournovelsbeforehecame。Itistheonlywaytothoroughlyunderstandapeople。WhenIfoundIwascomingtoParis,Iread’LaTerre’。

  ALITTLENOTETOM。PAULBOURGET

  [TheprecedingsquibwasassailedintheNorthAmericanReviewinanarticleentitled\"MarkTwainandPaulBourget,\"byMaxO’Rell。ThefollowinglittlenoteisaRejoindertothatarticle。Itispossiblethatthepositionassumedhere——thatM。BourgetdictatedtheO’Rellarticlehimself——isuntenable。]

  Youhaveeveryright,mydearM。Bourget,toretortuponmebydictation,ifyoupreferthatmethodtowritingatmewithyourpen;butifImaysayitwithouthurt——andcertainlyImeannooffence——Ibelieveyouwouldhaveacquittedyourselfbetterwiththepen。Withthepenyouareathome;itisyournaturalweapon;youuseitwithgrace,eloquence,charm,persuasiveness,whenmenaretobeconvinced,andwithformidableeffectwhentheyhaveearnedacastigation。ButIamsureIseesignsintheabovearticlethatyouareeitherunaccustomedtodictatingorareoutofpractice。Ifyouwillre—readityouwillnotice,yourself,thatitlacksdefiniteness;thatitlackspurpose;thatitlackscoherence;thatitlacksasubjecttotalkabout;thatitislooseandwabbly;thatitwandersaround;thatitlosesitselfearlyanddoesnotfinditselfanymore。Therearesomeotherdefects,asyouwillnotice,butIthinkI

  havenamedthemainones。Ifeelsurethattheyareallduetoyourlackofpracticeindictating。

  InasmuchasyouhadnotsigneditIhadtheimpressionatfirstthatyouhadnotdictatedit。Butonlyforamoment。Certainquitesimpleanddefinitefactsremindedmethatthearticlehadtocomefromyou,forthereasonthatitcouldnotcomefromanyoneelsewithoutaspecificinvitationfromyouorfromme。Imean,itcouldnotexceptasanintrusion,atransgressionofthelawwhichforbidsstrangerstomixintoaprivatedisputebetweenfriends,unasked。

  Thosesimpleanddefinitefactswerethese:Ihadpublishedanarticleinthismagazine,withyouformysubject;justyouyourself;Istuckstrictlytothatonesubject,anddidnotinterlardanyother。Noone,ofcourse,couldcallmetoaccountbutyoualone,oryourauthorizedrepresentative。Iaskedsomequestions——askedthemofmyself。

  Iansweredthemmyself。Myarticlewasthirteenpageslong,andalldevotedtoyou;devotedtoyou,anddividedupinthisway:onepageofguessesastowhatsubjectsyouwouldinstructusin,asteacher;onepageofdoubtsastotheeffectivenessofyourmethodofexaminingusandourways;twoorthreepagesofcriticismofyourmethod,andofcertainresultswhichitfurnishedyou;twoorthreepagesofattemptstoshowthejustnessofthesesamecriticisms;halfadozenpagesmadeupofslightfault—findingswithcertainminordetailsofyourliteraryworkmanship,ofextractsfromyour’Outre—Mer’andcommentsuponthem;

  thenIclosedwithananecdote。Irepeat——forcertainreasons——thatI

  closedwithananecdote。

  WhenIwasaskedbythismagazineifIwishedto\"answer\"a\"reply\"tothatarticleofmine,Isaid\"yes,\"andwaitedinParisfortheproof—

  sheetsofthe\"reply\"tocome。Ialreadyknew,bythecablegram,thatthe\"reply\"wouldnotbesignedbyyou,butuponreflectionIknewitwouldbedictatedbyyou,becausenovolunteerwouldfeelhimselfatlibertytoassumeyourchampionshipinaprivatedispute,unasked,inviewofthefactthatyouarequitewellabletotakecareofyourmattersofthatsortyourselfandarenotinneedofanyone’shelp。

  No,avolunteercouldnotmakesuchaventure。Itwouldbetooimmodest。

  Alsotoogratuitouslygenerous。Andashadetooself—sufficient。No,hecouldnotventureit。Itwouldlooktoomuchlikeanxietytogetinatafeastwherenoplatehadbeenprovidedforhim。Infacthecouldnotgetinatall,exceptbythebackway,andwithafalsekey;thatistosay,apretext——apretextinventedfortheoccasionbyputtingintomymouthwordswhichIdidnotuse,andbywrestingsayingsofminefromtheirplainandtruemeaning。Wouldheresorttomethodslikethosetogetin?No;therearenopeopleofthatkind。SothenIknewforacertaintythatyoudictatedtheReplyyourself。Iknewyoudidittosaveyourselfmanuallabor。

  Andyouhadtheright,asIhavealreadysaidandIamcontent——perfectlycontent。

  Yetitwouldhavebeenlittletroubletoyou,andagreatkindnesstome,ifyouhadwrittenyourReplyalloutwithyourowncapablehand。

  Becausethenitwouldhavereplied——andthatisreallywhataReplyisfor。Broadlyspeaking,itsfunctionistorefute——asyouwilleasilyconcede。Thatleavessomethingfortheotherpersontotakeholdof:

  hehasachancetoreplytotheReply,hehasachancetorefutetherefutation。Thiswouldhavehappenedifyouhadwrittenitoutinsteadofdictating。Dictatingisnearlysuretounconcentratethedictator’smind,whenheisoutofpractice,confusehim,andbetrayhimintousingonesetofliteraryruleswhenheoughttouseaquitedifferentset。

  OftenitbetrayshimintoemployingtheRULESFORCONVERSATIONBETWEENA

  SHOUTERANDADEAFPERSON——asinthepresentcase——whenheoughttoemploytheRULESFORCONDUCTINGDISCUSSIONWITHAFAULT—FINDER。Thegreatfoundation—ruleandbasicprincipleofdiscussionwithafault—

  finderisrelevancyandconcentrationuponthesubject;whereasthegreatfoundation—ruleandbasicprinciplegoverningconversationbetweenashouterandadeafpersonisirrelevancyandpersistentdesertionofthetopicinhand。IfImaybeallowedtoillustratebyquotingexampleIV。,sectionfromchapterix。of\"RevisedRulesforConductingConversationbetweenaShouterandaDeafPerson,\"itwillassistusingettingaclearideaofthedifferencebetweenthetwosetsofrules:

  Shouter。DidyousayhisnameisWETHERBY?

  DeafPerson。Change?Yes,Ithinkitwill。ThoughifitshouldclearoffI——

  Shouter。It’shisNAMEIwant——hisNAME。

  DeafPerson。Maybeso,maybeso;butitwillonlybeashower,Ithink。

  Shouter。No,no,no!——youhavequitemisunderSTOODme。If——

  DeafPerson。Ah!GOODmorning;Iamsorryyoumustgo。Butcallagain,andletmecontinuetobeofassistancetoyouineverywayIcan。

  Youseeitisaperfectkodakofthearticleyouhavedictated。Itisreallycuriousandinterestingwhenyoucometocompareitwithyours;

  indetail,withmyformerarticletowhichitisaReplyinyourhand。

  ItalktwelvepagesaboutyourAmericaninstructionprojects,andyourdoubtfulscientificsystem,andyourpainstakingclassificationofnonexistentthings,andyourdiligenceandzealandsincerity,andyourdisloyalattitudetowardsanecdotes,andyourunduereverenceforunsafestatisticsandfarfactsthatlackapedigree;andyouturnaroundandcomebackatmewitheightpagesofweather。

  Idonotseehowapersoncanactso。Itisgoodofyoutorepeat,withchangeoflanguage,inthebulkofyourrejoinder,somuchofmyownarticle,andadoptmysentiments,andmakethemover,andputnewbuttonson;andIlikethecompliment,andamfranktosayso;butagreeingwithapersoncripplescontroversyandoughtnottobeallowed。Itisweather;andofalmosttheworstsort。Itpleasesmegreatlytohearyoudiscoursewithsuchapprovalandexpansivenessuponmytext:

  \"Aforeignercanphotographtheexteriorsofanation,butIthinkthatisasfarashecanget。Ithinkthatnoforeignercanreportitsinterior;\"——[Andyousay:\"Amanofaverageintelligence,whohaspassedsixmonthsamongapeople,cannotexpressopinionsthatareworthjottingdown,buthecanformimpressionsthatareworthrepeating。Formypart,Ithinkthatforeigners’impressionsaremoreinterestingthannativeopinions。Afterall,suchimpressionsmerelymean’howthecountrystrucktheforeigner。’\"]——whichisaquiteclearwayofsayingthataforeigner’sreportisonlyvaluablewhenitrestrictsitselftoimpressions。Itpleasesmetohaveyoufollowmyleadinthatglowingway,butitleavesmenothingtocombat。Youshouldgivemesomethingtodenyandrefute;Iwoulddoasmuchforyou。

  Itpleasesmetohaveyouplayfullywarnthepublicagainsttakingoneofyourbooksseriously。——[WhenIpublishedJonathanandhisContinent,I

  wroteinaprefaceaddressedtoJonathan:\"Ifeveryoushouldinsistinseeinginthislittlevolumeaseriousstudyofyourcountryandofyourcountrymen,Iwarnyouthatyourworld—widefameforhumorwillbeexploded。\"]——BecauseIusedtodothatcunningthingmyselfinearlierdays。IdiditinaprefatorynotetoabookofminecalledTomSawyer。

  NOTICE。

  Personsattemptingtofindamotiveinthisnarrativewillbeprosecuted;

  personsattemptingtofindamoralinitwillbebanished;personsattemptingtofindaplotinitwillbeshot。

  BYORDEROFTHEAUTHOR

  PERG。G。,CHIEFOFORDNANCE。

  Thekernelisthesameinbothprefaces,yousee——thepublicmustnottakeustooseriously。Ifweremovethatkernelweremovethelife—

  principle,andtheprefaceisacorpse。Yes,itpleasesmetohaveyouusethatidea,foritisahighcompliment。Butisleavesmenothingtocombat;andthatisdamagetome。

  AmIseemingtosaythatyourReplyisnotareplyatall,M。Bourget?

  Ifso,Imustmodifythat;itistoosweeping。ForyouhavefurnishedageneralanswertomyinquiryastowhatFrancethroughyou——canteachus。

  ——[\"WhatcouldFranceteachAmerica!\"exclaimsMarkTwain。FrancecanteachAmericaallthehigherpursuitsoflife,andthereismoreartisticfeelingandrefinementinastreetofFrenchworkingmenthaninmanyavenuesinhabitedbyAmericanmillionaires。Shecanteachher,notperhapshowtowork,buthowtorest,howtolive,howtobehappy。

  Shecanteachherthattheaimoflifeisnotmoney—making,butthatmoney—makingisonlyameanstoobtainanend。Shecanteachherthatwivesarenotexpensivetoys,butusefulpartners,friends,andconfidants,whoshouldalwayskeepmenundertheirwholesomeinfluencebytheirdiplomacy,theirtact,theircommon—sense,withoutbumptiousness。

  Thesequalities,addedtothehigheststandardofmorality(notangularandmorose,butcheerfulmorality),areconcededtoFrenchwomenbywhoeverknowssomethingofFrenchlifeoutsideoftheParisboulevards,andMarkTwain’sill—naturedsneercannotevensomuchasstainthem。

  ImighttellMarkTwainthatinFranceamanwhowasseentipsyinhisclubwouldimmediatelyseehisnamecanceledfrommembership。Amanwhohadsettledhisfortuneonhiswifetoavoidmeetinghiscreditorswouldberefusedadmissionintoanydecentsociety。ManyaFrenchmanhasblownhisbrainsoutratherthandeclarehimselfabankrupt。NowwouldMarkTwainremarktothis:’AnAmericanisnotsuchafool:whenacreditorstandsinhiswayhecloseshisdoors,andreopensthemthefollowingday。Whenhehasbeenabankruptthreetimeshecanretirefrombusiness?\"]——Itisagoodanswer。

  Itrelatestomanners,customs,andmorals——threethingsconcerningwhichwecanneverhaveexhaustiveanddeterminatestatistics,andsotheverdictsdelivereduponthemmustalwayslackconclusivenessandbesubjecttorevision;butyouhavestatedthetruth,possibly,asnearlyasanyonecoulddoit,inthecircumstances。Butwhydidyouchooseadetailofmyquestionwhichcouldbeansweredonlywithvaguehearsayevidence,andgorightbyonewhichcouldhavebeenansweredwithdeadlyfacts?——factsineverybody’sreach,factswhichnonecandispute。

  IaskedwhatFrancecouldteachusaboutgovernment。Ilaidmyselfprettywideopen,there;andIthoughtIwashandsomelygenerous,too,whenIdidit。Francecanteachushowtolevyvillageandcitytaxeswhichdistributetheburdenwithanearerapproachtoperfectfairnessthanisthecaseinanyotherland;andshecanteachusthewisestandsurestsystemofcollectingthemthatexists。ShecanteachushowtoelectaPresidentinasaneway;andalsohowtodoitwithoutthrowingthecountryintoearthquakesandconvulsionsthatcrippleandembarrassbusiness,stiruppartyhatredintheheartsofmen,andmakepeacefulpeoplewishthetermextendedtothirtyyears。Francecanteachus——butenoughofthatpartofthequestion。AndwhatelsecanFranceteachus?

  Shecanteachusallthefinearts——anddoes。Shethrowsopenherhospitableartacademies,andsaystous,\"Come\"——andwecome,troopsandtroopsofouryoungandgifted;andshesetsoverustheablestmastersintheworldandbearingthegreatestnames;andshe,teachesusallthatwearecapableoflearning,andpersuadesusandencouragesuswithprizesandhonors,muchasifweweresomehowchildrenofherown;andwhenthisnobleeducationisfinishedandwearereadytocarryithomeandspreaditsgraciousministriesabroadoverournation,andwecomewithhomageandgratitudeandaskFranceforthebill——thereisnothingtopay。Andinreturnforthisimperialgenerosity,whatdoesAmericado?ShechargesadutyonFrenchworksofart!

  IwishIhadyourendofthisdispute;Ishouldhavesomethingworthtalkingabout。Ifyouwouldonlyfurnishmesomethingtoargue,somethingtorefute——butyoupersistentlywon’t。Youleavegoodchancesunutilizedandspendyourstrengthinprovingandestablishingunimportantthings。Forinstance,youhaveprovenandestablishedtheseeightfactsherefollowing——agoodscoreastonumber,butnotworthwhile:

  MarkTwainis——

  1。\"Insulting。\"

  2。(Sarcasticallyspeaking)\"Thisrefinedhumor,1st。\"

  3。Prefersthemanure—piletotheviolets。

  4。Hasuttered\"anill—naturedsneer。\"

  5。Is\"nasty。\"

  6。Needsa\"lessoninpolitenessandgoodmanners。\"

  7。Haspublisheda\"nastyarticle。\"

  8。Hasmaderemarks\"unworthyofagentleman。\"——[\"Itismorefunnythanhis\"(MarkTwain’s)\"anecdote,andwouldhavebeenlessinsulting。\"

  Aquotedremarkofmine\"isagrossinsulttoanationfriendlytoAmerica。\"

  \"HehasreadLaTerre,thisrefinedhumorist。\"

  \"WhenMarkTwainvisitsagarden……hegoesinthefar—awaycomerwherethesoilisprepared。\"

  \"MarkTwain’sill—naturedsneercannotsomuchasstainthem\"(theFrenchwomen)。

  \"Whenhe\"(MarkTwain)\"takeshisrevengeheisunkind,unfair,bitter,nasty。\"

  \"Butnotevenyournastyarticleonmycountry,Mark,\"etc。

  \"Markmightcertainlyhavederivedfromit\"(M。Bourget’sbook)\"alessoninpolitenessandgoodmanners。\"

  Aquotedremarkofmineis\"unworthyofagentleman。\"]——

  Thesearealltrue,butreallytheyarenotvaluable;noonecaresmuchforsuchfinds。InourAmericanmagazineswerecognizethisandsuppressthem。Weavoidnamingthem。Americanwritersneverallowthemselvestonamethem。Itwouldlookasiftheywereinatemper,andweholdthatexhibitionsoftemperinpublicarenotgoodformexceptintheveryyoungandinexperienced。Andevenifwehadthedispositiontonamethem,inordertofillupagapwhenwewereshortofideasandarguments,ourmagazineswouldnotallowustodoit,becausetheythinkthatsuchwordssullytheirpages。Thispresentmagazineisparticularlystrenuousaboutit。Itsnotetomeannouncingtheforwardingofyourproof—sheetstoFranceclosedthus——foryourprotection:

  \"Itisneedlesstoaskyoutoavoidanythingthathemightconsideraspersonal。\"

  Itwaswellenough,asameasureofprecaution,butreallyitwasnotneeded。Youcantrustmeimplicitly,M。Bourget;IshallnevercallyouanynamesinprintwhichIshouldbeashamedtocallyouwithyourunoffendinganddearestonespresent。

  Indeed,wearereserved,andparticularinAmericatoadegreewhichyouwouldconsiderexaggerated。Forinstance,weshouldnotwritenoteslikethatoneofyourstoaladyforasmallfault——oralargeone。——[WhenM。

  PaulBourgetindulgesinalittlechaffingattheexpenseoftheAmericans,\"whocanalwaysgetawaywithafewyears’tryingtofindoutwhotheirgrandfatherswere,\"hemerelymakesanallusiontoanAmericanfoible;but,forsooth,whatakindman,whatahumoristMarkTwainiswhenheretortsbycallingFranceanationofbastards!HowtheAmericansofcultureandrefinementwilladmirehimforthusspeakingintheirname!

  Snobbery……IcouldgiveMarkTwainanexampleoftheAmericanspecimen。Itisapiquantstory。IneverpublisheditbecauseIfearedmyreadersmightthinkthatIwasgivingthematypicalillustrationofAmericancharacterinsteadofarareexception。

  Iwasoncebookedbymymanagertogiveacauserieinthedrawing—roomofaNewYorkmillionaire。Iacceptedwithreluctance。Idonotlikeprivateengagements。Atfiveo’clockonthedaythecauseriewastobegiven,theladysenttomymanagertosaythatshewouldexpectmetoarriveatnineo’clockandtospeakforaboutanhour。Thenshewroteapostscript。Manywomenareunfortunatethere。Theirmindsarefullofafter—thoughts,andthemostimportantpartoftheirlettersisgenerallytobefoundaftertheirsignature。Thislady’sP。S。ranthus:\"I

  supposebewillnotexpecttobeentertainedafterthelecture。\"

  Ifairlyshorted,asMarkTwainwouldsay,andthen,indulgingmyselfinabitofsnobbishness,Iwasbackatherasquickasaflash:

  \"DearMadam:Asaliterarymanofsomereputation,IhavemanytimeshadthepleasureofbeingentertainedbythemembersoftheoldaristocracyofFrance。IhavealsomanytimeshadthepleasureofbeingentertainedbythemembersoftheoldaristocracyofEngland。Ifitmayinterestyou,IcaneventellyouthatIhaveseveraltimeshadthehonorofbeingentertainedbyroyalty;butmyambitionhasneverbeensowildastoexpectthatonedayImightbeentertainedbythearistocracyofNewYork。No,Idonotexpecttobeentertainedbyyou,nordoIwantyoutoexpectmetoentertainyouandyourfriendsto—night,forIdeclinetokeeptheengagement。\"

  Now,IcouldfillabookonAmericawithreminiscencesofthissort,addingafewchaptersonbossesandboodlers,onNewYork’chroniquescandaleuse’,onthetenementhousesofthelargecities,onthegambling—hellsofDenver,andthedensofSanFrancisco,andwhatnot!

  Butnotevenyournastyarticleonmycountry,Mark,willmakemedoit。]——Weshouldnotthinkitkind。Nomatterhowmuchwemighthaveassociatedwithkingsandnobilities,weshouldnotthinkitrighttocrushherwithitandmakeherashamedofherlowlierwalkinlife;forwehaveasaying,\"Whohumiliatesmymotherincludeshisown。\"

  DoIseriouslyimagineyoutobetheauthorofthatstrangeletter,M。Bourget?IndeedIdonot。Ibelieveittohavebeensurreptitiouslyinsertedbyyouramanuensiswhenyourbackwasturned。Ithinkhediditwithagoodmotive,expectingittoaddforceandpiquancytoyourarticle,butitdoesnotreflectyournature,andIknowitwillgrieveyouwhenyouseeit。Ialsothinkheinterlardedmanyotherthingswhichyouwilldisapproveofwhenyouseethem。Iamcertainthatalltheharshnamesdischargedatmecomefromhim,notyou。Nodoubtyoucouldhaveprovedmeentitledtothemwithaslittletroubleasithascosthimtodoit,butitwouldhavebeenyourdispositiontohuntgameofahigherquality。

  Why,IevendoubtifitisyouwhofurnishmeallthatexcellentinformationaboutBalzacandthoseothers。——[\"NowthestyleofM。

  BourgetandmanyotherFrenchwritersisapparentlyaclosedlettertoMarkTwain;butletusleavethatalone。HashereadErckmann—Chatrian,VictorHugo,Lamartine,EdmondAbout,Cherbuliez,Renan?HashereadGustaveDroz’s’Monsieur,Madame,etBebe’,andthosebookswhichleaveforalongtimeaperfumeaboutyou?HashereadthenovelsofAlexandreDumas,EugeneSue,GeorgeSand,andBalzac?HasbereadVictorHugo’s’LesMiserables’and’NotreDamedeParis’?HashereadorheardtheplaysofSandeau,Augier,Dumas,andSardou,theworksofthoseTitansofmodernliterature,whosenameswillbehouseholdwordsallovertheworldforhundredsofyearstocome?HehasreadLaTerre——thiskind—hearted,refinedhumorist!WhenMarkTwainvisitsagardendoeshesmelltheviolets,theroses,thejasmine,orthehoneysuckle?No,hegoesinthefar—awaycomerwherethesoilisprepared。Hearwhathesays:\"IwishM。

  PaulBourgethadreadmoreofournovelsbeforehecame。Itistheonlywaytothoroughlyunderstandapeople。WhenIfoundIwascomingtoParisIreadLaTerre。\"]——Allthisinsimplejusticetoyou——andtome;

  for,togravelyacceptthoseinterlardingsasyourswouldbetowrongyourheadandheart,andatthesametimeconvictmyselfofbeingequippedwithavacancywheremypenetrationoughttobelodged。

  AndnowfinallyImustuncoverthesecretpain,theweesorefromwhichtheReplygrew——theanecdotewhichclosedmyrecentarticle——andconsiderhowitisthatthispimplehasspreadtothesecancerousdimensions。

  IfanybutyouhaddictatedtheReply,M。Bourget,Iwouldknowthatthatanecdotewastwistedaroundanditsintentionmagnifiedsomehundredsoftimes,inorderthatitmightbeusedasapretexttocreepinthebackway。ButIaccuseyouofnothing——nothingbuterror。WhenyousaythatI\"retortbycallingFranceanationofbastards,\"itisanerror。Andnotasmallone,butalargeone。Imadenosuchremark,noranythingresemblingit。Moreover,themagazinewouldnothaveallowedmetousesogrossawordasthat。

  Youtoldananecdote。Afunnyone——Iadmitthat。IthitafoibleofourAmericanaristocracy,anditstungme——Iadmitthat;itstungmesharply。

  Itwaslikethis:YoufoundsomeancientportraitsofFrenchkingsinthegalleryofoneofouraristocracy,andyousaid:

  \"HehastheGrandMonarch,butwhereistheportraitofhisgrandfather?\"

  Thatis,theAmericanaristocrat’sgrandfather。

  Nowthathitsonlyafewofus,Igrant——justtheuppercrustonly——butithitsexceedinglyhard。

  Iwonderediftherewasanywayofgettingbackatyou。InoneofyourchaptersIfoundthischance:

  \"InourhighParisianexistence,forinstance,wefindappliedtoartsandluxury,andtodebauchery,allthepowersandalltheweaknessesoftheFrenchsoul。\"

  Yousee?Your\"higherParisian\"class——noteverybody,notthenation,butonlythetopcrustoftheOvation——appliestodebaucheryallthepowersofitssoul。

  Iarguedtomyselfthatthatenergymustproduceresults。SoIbuiltananecdoteoutofyourremark。InitImakeNapoleonBonapartesaytome——

  butseeforyourselftheanecdote(ingeniouslyclippedandcurtailed)inparagraphelevenofyourReply。——[So,Irepeat,MarkTwaindoesnotlikeM。PaulBourget’sbook。SolongashemakeslightfunofthegreatFrenchwriterheisathome,heispleasant,heistheAmericanhumoristweknow。Whenhetakeshisrevenge(andwhereisthereasonfortakingarevenge?)heisunkind,unfair,bitter,nasty。

  Forexample:

  SeehisanswertoaFrenchmanwhojokinglyremarkstohim:

  \"IsupposelifecannevergetentirelydulltoanAmerican,becausewheneverhecan’tstrikeupanyotherwaytoputinhistime,hecanalwaysgetawaywithafewyearstryingtofindoutwhohisgrandfatherwas。\"

  Heartheanswer:

  \"IreckonaFrenchman’sgothislittlestandbyforadulltime,too;

  becausewhenallotherinterestsfail,hecanturninandseeifhecan’tfindoutwhohisfatherwas。\"

  Thefirstremarkisagood—humoredbitofchaffingonAmericansnobbery。

  Imaybeutterlydestituteofhumor,butIcallthesecondremarkagratuitouschargeofimmoralityhurledattheFrenchwomen——aremarkunworthyofamanwhohastheearofthepublic,unworthyofagentleman,agrossinsulttoanationfriendlytoAmerica,anationthathelpedMarkTwain’sancestorsintheirstruggleforliberty,anationwhereto—dayitisenoughtosaythatyouareAmericantoseeeverydooropenwidetoyou。

  IfMarkTwainwashardupinsearchof,aFrench\"chestnut,\"Imighthavetoldhimthefollowinglittleanecdote。Itismorefunnythanhis,andwouldhavebeenlessinsulting:Twolittlestreetboysareabusingeachother。\"Ah,holdyourtongue,\"saysone,\"youain’tgotnofather。\"

  \"Ain’tgotnofather!\"repliestheother;\"I’vegotmorefathersthanyou。\"]

  Now,then,youranecdoteaboutthegrandfathershurtme。Why?Becauseithadapoint。Itwouldn’thavehurtmeifithadn’thadpoint。Youwouldn’thavewastedspaceonitifithadn’thadpoint。

  Myanecdotehashurtyou。Why?Becauseithadpoint,Isuppose。Itwouldn’thavehurtyouifithadn’thadpoint。IjudgedfromyourremarkaboutthediligenceandindustryofthehighParisianuppercrustthatitwouldhavesomepoint,butreallyIhadnoideawhatagold—mineIhadstruck。Ineversuspectedthatthepointwasgoingtostickintotheentirenation;butofcourseyouknowyournationbetterthanIdo,andifyouthinkitpuncturesthemall,Ihavetoyieldtoyourjudgment。

  Butyouaretoblame,yourownself。Yourremarkmisledme。Isupposedtheindustrywasconfinedtothatlittleunnumerousupperlayer。

  Well,nowthattheunfortunatethinghasbeendone,letusdowhatwecantoundoit。Theremustbeaway,M。Bourget,andIamwillingtodoanythingthatwillhelp;forIamassorryasyoucanbeyourself。

  IwilltellyouwhatIthinkwillbetheverything。

  Wewillswapanecdotes。Iwilltakeyouranecdoteandyoutakemine。I

  willsaytothedukesandcountsandprincesoftheancientnobilityofFrance:

  \"Ha,ha!Youmusthaveaprettyhardtimetryingtofindoutwhoyourgrandfatherswere?\"

  Theywillmerelysmileindifferentlyandnotfeelhurt,becausetheycantracetheirlineagebackthroughcenturies。

  AndyouwillhurlmineateveryindividualintheAmericannation,saying:

  \"Andyoumusthaveaprettyhardtimetryingtofindoutwhoyourfatherswere。\"Theywillmerelysmileindifferently,andnotfeelhurt,becausetheyhaven’tanydifficultyinfindingtheirfathers。

  Doyougettheidea?Thewholeharmintheanecdotesisinthepoint,yousee;andwhenweswapthemaroundthatway,theyhaven’tany。

  Thatsettlesitperfectlyandbeautifully,andIamgladIthoughtofit。

  Iamverygladindeed,M。Bourget;foritwasjustthatlittleweethingthatcausedthewholedifficultyandmadeyoudictatetheReply,andyouramanuensiscallmeallthosehardnameswhichthemagazinesdislikeso。

  AndIdiditallinfun,too,tryingtocapyourfunnyanecdotewithanotherone——onthegive—and—takeprinciple,youknow——whichisAmerican。

  Ididn’tknowthatwiththeFrenchitwasallgiveandnotake,andyoudidn’ttellme。ButnowthatIhavemadeeverythingcomfortableagain,andfixedbothanecdotessotheycanneverhaveanypointanymore,I

  knowyouwillforgiveme。

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