SCENE:Onesideofasleeping—carontheBostonandAlbanyRoad。
Thecurtainsaredrawnbeforemostoftheberths；fromthehooksandrodshanghats，bonnets，bags，bandboxes，umbrellas，andothertravellinggear；onthefloorarebootsofbothsexes，setoutforTHEPORTERtoblack。THEPORTERismakingupthebedsintheupperandlowerberthsadjoiningtheseatsonwhichayoungmother，slenderandpretty，withababyasleepontheseatbesideher，andastoutoldlady，sitconfrontingeachother——MRS。AGNESROBERTSandherauntMARY。
MRS。ROBERTS。Doyoualwaystakedownyourbackhair，aunty？
AUNTMARY。No，never，child；atleastnotsinceIhadsuchafrightaboutitonce，comingonfromNewYork。It’sallwellenoughtotakedownyourbackhairifitISyours；butifitisn’t，yourhead’sthebestplaceforit。Now，asIbuymineofMadamePierrot—
MRS。ROBERTS。Don’tyouWISHshewouldn’tadvertiseitasHUMAN
hair？Itsoundssopokerish——likehumanflesh，youknow。
AUNTMARY。Why，shecouldn’tcallitINhumanhair，mydear。
MRS。ROBERTS（thoughtfully）。No——justHAIR。
AUNTMARY。Thenpeoplemightthinkitwasformattresses。But，asI
wassaying，Itookitoffthatnight，andtuckeditsafelyaway，asI
supposed，inmypocket，andIsleptsweetlytillaboutmidnight，whenIhappenedtoopenmyeyes，andsawsomethinglongandblackcrawloffmybedandslipundertheberth。SUCHashriekasIgave，mydear！\"Asnake！asnake！oh，asnake！\"Andeverybodybegantalkingatonce，andsomeofthegentlemenswearing，andtheportercamerunningwiththepokertokillit；andallthewhileitwasthatridiculousswitchofmine，thathadworkedoutofmypocket。AndgladenoughIwastograbitupbeforeanybodysawit，andsayImusthavebeendreaming。
MRS。ROBERTS。Why，aunty，howfunny！HowCOULDyousupposeaserpentcouldgetonboardasleeping—car，ofallplacesintheworld！
AUNTMARY。Thatwastheperfectabsurdityofit。
THEPORTER。Berthsreadynow，ladies。
MRS。ROBERTS（toTHEPORTER，whowalksawaytotheendofthecar，andsitsdownnearthedoor）。Oh，thankyou。Aunty，doyoufeelnervoustheleastbit？
AUNTMARY。Nervous？No。Why？
MRS。ROBERTS。Well，Idon’tknow。IsupposeI’vebeenworkedupalittleaboutmeetingWillis，andwonderinghowhe’lllook，andall。
Wecan’tKNOWeachother，ofcourse。Itdoesn’tstandtoreasonthatifhe’sbeenouttherefortwelveyears，eversinceIwasachild，thoughwe’vecorrespondedregularly——atleast_I_have——thathecouldrecognizeme；notatthefirstglance，youknow。He’llhaveafullbeard；andthenI’vegotmarried，andhere’sthebaby。Oh，NO！he’llneverguesswhoitisintheworld。Photographsreallyamounttonothinginsuchacase。Iwishwewereathome，anditwasallover。
Iwishhehadwrittensomeparticulars，insteadoftelegraphingfromOgden，\"Bewithyouonthe7A。M。，Wednesday。\"
AUNTMARY。Californiansalwaystelegraph，mydear；theyneverthinkofwriting。Itisn’texpensiveenough，anditdoesn’tmakeyourbloodruncoldenoughtogetaletter，andsotheysendyouoneofthosemiserableyellowdespatcheswhenevertheycan——thoseprintedinalongstring，ifpossible，sothatyou’llbeSUREtodiebeforeyougettotheendofit。Isupposeyourbrotherhasfallenintoallthoseways，andsays\"reckon\"and\"ornary\"and\"whichthesame，\"justlikeoneofMr。BretHarte’scharacters。
MRS。ROBERTS。Butitisn’texactlyournotknowingeachother，aunty，that’sworryingme；that’ssomethingthatcouldbegotoverintime。WhatissimplydrivingmedistractedisWillisandEdwardmeetingtherewhenI’mawayfromhome。Oh，howCOULDIbeaway！andwhyCOULDN’TWillishavegivenusfairwarning？Iwouldhavehurriedfromtheendsoftheearthtomeethim。Idon’tbelievepoorEdwardeversawaCalifornian；andhe’ssoquietandpreoccupied，I’msurehe’dnevergetonwithWillis。AndifWillisistheleastloud，hewouldn’tlikeEdward。NotthatIsupposeheISloud；butIdon’tbelieveheknowsanythingaboutliterarymen。Butyoucansee，aunty，can’tyou，howveryanxiousImustbe？Don’tyouseethatI
oughttohavebeentherewhenWillisandEdwardmet，soasto——to——
well，toBREAKthemtoeachother，don’tyouknow？
AUNTMARY。Oh，youneedn’tbetroubledaboutthat，Agnes。Idaresaythey’vegotonperfectlywelltogether。Verylikelythey’resittingdowntotheunwholesomesthotsupperthisinstantthattheingenuityofmancouldinvent。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，doyouTHINKtheyare，aunty？Oh，ifIcouldONLY
believetheyweresittingdowntoahotsuppertogethernow，IshouldbeSOhappy！They’dbesuretogetoniftheywere。There’snothinglikeeatingtomakemenfriendlywitheachother。Don’tyouknow，atreceptions，howtheyneverhaveanythingtosaytoeachothertilltheescallopedoystersandthechickensaladappear；andthenhowsweettheyareassoonasthey’vehelpedtheladiestoice？Oh，thankyou，THANKyou，aunty，forthinkingofthehotsupper。It’ssucharelieftomymind！Youcanunderstand，can’tyou，auntydear，howanxiousImusthavebeentohavemyonlybrotherandmyonly——myhusband——getonnicelytogether？Mylifewouldbeawreck，simplyawreck，iftheydidn’t。AndWillisandInothavingseeneachothersinceIwasachildmakesitalltheworse。IdoHOPEthey’resittingdowntoahotsupper。
ANANGRYVOICEfromthenextberthbutone。Iwishpeopleinsleeping—cars—
AVOICEfromtheberthbeyondthat。You’remistakeninyourpremises，sir。Thisisawaking—car。Ladies，goon，andobligeaneagerlistener。
[Sensation，andsmotheredlaughterfromtheotherberths。]
MRS。ROBERTS（afteraspaceofterrifiedsilence，inaloudwhispertoherAUNT。）Whathorridthings！Butnowwereallymustgotobed。
ItWAStoobadtokeeptalking。I’dnoideamyvoicewasgettingsoloud。Whichberthwillyouhave，aunty？I’dbettertaketheupperone，because—
AUNTMARY（whispering）。No，no；Imusttakethat，sothatyoucanbewiththebabybelow。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，howgoodyouare，AuntMary！It’stoobad；itisreally。Ican’tletyou。
AUNTMARY。Well，then，youmust；that’sall。Youknowhowthatchildtossesandkicksaboutinthenight。Younevercantellwherehishead’sgoingtobeinthemorning，butyou’llprobablyfinditatthefootofthebed。Icouldn’tsleepaninstant，mydear，ifI
thoughtthatboywasintheupperberth；forI’dbesureofhistumblingoutoveryou。Here，letmelayhimdown。[Shelaysthebabyinthelowerberth。]There！Nowgetin，Agnes——do，andleavemetomystrugglewiththeattractionofgravitation。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，POORaunty，howwillyouevermanageit？IMUST
helpyouup。
AUNTMARY。No，mydear；don’tbefoolish。Butyoumaygoandcalltheporter，ifyoulike。Idaresayhe’susedtoit。
[MRS。ROBERTSgoesandspeaktimidlytoTHEPORTER，whofailsatfirsttounderstand，thensmilesbroadly，acceptsaquarterwithaduckofhishead，andcomesforwardtoAUNTMARY’Sside。]
MRS。ROBERTS。Hadhebettergiveyouhishandtorestyourfootin，whileyouspringupasifyouweremountinghorseback？
AUNTMARY（withdisdain）。SPRING！Mydear，Ihaven’tsprungforaquarterofacentury。Ishallrequireeveryfibreintheman’sbody。
Hishand，indeed！Yougetinfirst，Agnes。
MRS。ROBERTS。Iwill，auntydear；but—
AUNTMARY（sternly）。Agnes，doasIsay。[MRS。ROBERTScrouchesdownonthelowerberth。]Idon’tchoosethatanymemberofmyfamilyshallwitnessmycontortions。Don’tyoulook。
MRS。ROBERTS。No，no，aunty。
AUNTMARY。Now，porter，areyoustrong？
PORTER。IusedtobeporterataSaratogahotel，andcarriedupdeladies’trunksdere。
AUNTMARY。Thenyou’lldo，Ithink。Now，then，yourknee；nowyourback。There！Andveryhandsomelydone。Thanks。
MRS。ROBERTS。Areyoureallyin，AuntMary？
AUNTMARY（dryly）。Yes。Good—night。
MRS。ROBERTS。Good—night，aunty。[Afterapauseofsomeminutes。]
Aunty！
AUNTMARY。Well，what？
MRS。ROBERTS。Doyouthinkit’sperfectlysafe？
[Sherisesinherberth，andlooksupovertheedgeoftheupper。]
AUNTMARY。Isupposeso。It’sawell—managedroad。They’vegottheair—brake，I’veheard，andtheMillerplatform，andallthosehorridthings。Whatmakesyouintroducesuchunpleasantsubjects？
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，Idon’tmeanaccidents。But，youknow，whenyouturn，itdoescreaksoawfully。Ishouldn’tmindmyself；butthebaby—
AUNTMARY。Why，child，doyouthinkI’mgoingtobreakthrough？I
couldn’t。I’moneoftheLIGHTESTsleepersintheworld。
MRS。ROBERTS。Yes，Iknowyou’realightsleeper；but——butitdoesn’tseemquitethesamething，somehow。
AUNTMARY。Butitis；it’squitethesamething，andyoucanbeperfectlyeasyinyourmind，mydear。Ishouldbequiteaslothtobreakthroughasyouwouldtohaveme。Good—night。
MRS。ROBERTS。Yes；good—night，Aunty！
AUNTMARY。Well？
MRS。ROBERTS。Yououghttojustseehim，howhe’slying。He’saperfectlog。COULDN’Tyoujustbendover，andpeepdownathimamoment？
AUNTMARY。Bendover！Itwouldbethedeathofme。Good—night。
MRS。ROBERTS。Good—night。Didyouputtheglassintomybagoryours？Ifeelsoverythirsty，andIwanttogoandgetsomewater。
I’msureIdon’tknowwhyIshouldbethirsty。Areyou，AuntMary？
Ah！hereitis。Don’tdisturbyourself，aunty；I’vefoundit。Itwasinmybag，justwhereI’dputitmyself。ButallthistroubleaboutWillishasmademesofidgetythatIdon’tknowwhereanythingis。AndnowIdon’tknowhowtomanageaboutthebabywhileIgoafterthewater。He’ssleepingsoundlyenoughnow；butifheshouldhappentogetintooneofhisrollingmoods，hemighttumbleoutontothefloor。Nevermind，aunty，I’vethoughtofsomething。I’lljustbarricadehimwiththesebagsandshawls。Now，oldfellow，rollasmuchasyoulike。Ifyoushouldhappentohearhimstir，aunty，won’tyou——aunty！Oh，dear！she’sasleepalready；andwhatshallI
do？[WhileMRS。ROBERTScontinuestalking，variousnotesofprotest，profaneandotherwise，makethemselvesheardfromdifferentberths。]
Iknow。I’llmakeabolddashforthewater，andbebackinaninstant，baby。Now，don’tyoumove，youlittlerogue。[Sherunstothewater—tankattheendofthecar，andthenbacktoherberth。]
Now，baby，here’smammaagain。Areyouallright，mamma’sown？
[Ashaggyheadandbeardedfacearethrustfromthecurtainsofthenextberth。]
THESTRANGER。Lookhere，ma’am。Idon’twanttobedisagreeableaboutthisthing，andIhopeyouwon’ttakeanyoffence；butthefactis，I’mhalfdeadforwantofsleep，andifyou’llonlykeepquietnowalittlewhile，I’llpromisenottospeakabovemybreathifeverIfindyouonasleeping—carafteryou’vecomestraightthroughfromSanFrancisco，dayandnight，andnotbeenabletogetmorethanaboutaquarterofyourusualallowanceofrest——Iwillindeed。
MRS。ROBERTS。I’mverysorrythatI’vedisturbedyou，andI’lltrytobemorequiet。Ididn’tsupposeIwasspeakingsoloud；butthecarskeepupsucharattlingthatyounevercantellhowloudyouARE
speaking。DidIunderstandyoutosaythatyouwerefromCalifornia？
THECALIFORNIAN。Yes，ma’am。
MRS。ROBERTS。SanFrancisco？
THECALIFORNIAN。Yes，ma’am。
MRS。ROBERTS。Thanks。It’saterriblylongjourney，isn’tit？I
knowquitehowtofeelforyou。I’veabrothermyselfcomingon。Infactweexpectedhimbeforethis。[Shescanshisfaceassharplyasthelamp—lightwillallow，andcontinues，afterabriefhesitation。]
It’salwayssuchasillyquestiontoaskaperson，andIsupposeSanFranciscoisalargeplace，withagreatmanypeoplealwayscomingandgoing，sothatitwouldbeonlyonechanceinathousandifyoudid。
THECALIFORNIAN（patiently）。Didwhat，ma’am？
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，Iwasjustwonderingifitwaspossible——butofcourseitisn’t，andit’sveryflattoask——thatyou’deverhappenedtomeetmybrotherthere。HisnameisWillisCampbell。
THECALIFORNIAN（withmoreinterest）。Campbell？Campbell？Yes，I
knowamanofthatname。ButIdisrememberhisfirstname。Littlelowfellow——prettychunky？
MRS。ROBERTS。Idon’tknow。Doyoumeanshortandstout？
THECALIFORNIAN。Yes，ma’am。
MRS。ROBERTS。I’msureIcan’ttell。It’sagreatmanyyearssincehewentoutthere，andI’veneverseenhiminallthattime。I
thoughtifyouDIDhappentoknowhim——He’salawyer。
THECALIFORNIAN。It’squitelikelyIknowhim；andinthemorning，ma’am—
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，excuseme。I’mverysorrytohavekeptyousolongawakewithmysillyquestions。
THEMANINTHEUPPERBERTH。Don’tapologize，madam。I’mnotaCalifornianmyself，butI’manorphan，andawayfromhome，andI
thankyou，onbehalfofallourfellow—passengers，forthementalrefreshmentthatyourconversationhasaffordedus。_I_couldliehereandlistentoitallnight；butthereareinvalidsinsomeoftheseberths，andperhapsontheiraccountitwillbeaswelltodefereverythingtillthemorning，asourfriendsuggests。Allowmetowishyoupleasantdreams，madam。
[THECALIFORNIAN，whileMRS。ROBERTSshrinksbackunderthecurtainofherberthindismay，andstammerssomeinaudibleexcuse，slowlyemergesfulllengthfromhisberth。]
THECALIFORNIAN。Don’tyoumindme，ma’am；I’vegoteverythingbutmybootsandcoaton。Now，then[standingbesidetheberth，andlookinginuponthemanintheuppertier]，you，doyouknowthatthisisaladyyou’retalkingto？
THEUPPERBERTH。ByyourvoiceandyourshaggypersonalappearanceI
shouldn’thavetakenyouforalady——no，sir。Butthelightisveryimperfect；youmaybeabeardedlady。
THECALIFORNIAN。Younevermindaboutmylooks。Thequestionis，Doyouwantyourheadrappedupagainstthesideofthiscar？
THEUPPERBERTH。WithallthefranknessofyourownPacificslope，no。
MRS。ROBERTS（hastilyreappearing）。Oh，no，no，don’thurthim。
He’snottoblame。Iwaswrongtokeepontalking。Oh，pleasedon’thurthim！
THECALIFORNIAN（toTHEUPPERBERTH）。Youhear？Well，now，don’tyouspeakanotherwordtothatladytonight。Justgoon，ma’am，andfreeyourmindonanylittlematteryoulike。Idon’twantanysleep。HowlonghasyourbrotherbeeninCalifornia？
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，don’tlet’stalkaboutitnow；Idon’twanttotalkaboutit。Ithought——Ithought——Good—night。Oh，dear！I
didn’tsupposeIwasmakingsomuchtrouble。Ididn’tmeantodisturbanybody。I—
[MRS。ROBERTSgiveswaytotheexcessofherconfusionandmortificationinalittlesob，andthenhideshergriefbehindthecurtainsofherberth。THECALIFORNIANslowlyemergesagainfromhiscouch，andstandsbesideit，lookinginuponthemanintheberthabove。]
THECALIFORNIAN。ForhalfacentIWOULDrapyourheadupagainstthatwall。Makingtheladycry，andgettingmesomadIcan’tsleep！
Nowseehere，youjustapologize。Youbegthatlady’spardon，orI’llhaveyououtoftherebeforeyouknowyourself。[Criesof\"Good！\"\"That’sright！\"and\"Makehimshowhimself！\"hailMRS。
ROBERTS’Schampion，andheads，moreorlessdishevelled，arethrustfromeveryberth。MRS。ROBERTSremainsinvisibleandsilent，andtheloudandsomewhatcomplicatedrespirationofherAUNTmakesitselfheardinthegeneralhushofexpectancy。Aremarktotheeffectthat\"Theoldladyseemstoenjoyherrest\"achievesafacileapplause。
THECALIFORNIANagainaddressestheculprit。]Come，now，whatdoyousay？I’llgiveyoujustone—halfaminute。
MRS。ROBERTS（fromhershelter）。Oh，please，PLEASEdon’tmakehimsayanything。Itwasverytryinginmetokeephimawake，andIknowhedidn’tmeananyoffence。Oh，DOlethimbe！
THECALIFORNIAN。Youhearthat？Youstayquiettherestofthetime；andifthatladychosestokeepusallawakethewholenight，don’tYOUsayaword，orI’llsettlewithyouinthemorning。
[Loudandcontinuedapplause，amidstwhichTHECALIFORNIANturnsfromthemanintheberthbeforehim，andrestoresorderbymarchingalongtheaisleofthecarinhisstockingfeet。Theheadsvanishbehindthecurtains。Asthelaughtersubsides，hereturnstohisberth，andafterastareupanddownthetranquillizedcar，heisabouttoretire。]
AVOICE。Oh，don’tjustbow。Speak！
[Afreshburstoflaughtergreetsthissally。THECALIFORNIANerectshimselfagainwithanairofbaitedwrath，andthensuddenlybreaksintoahelplesslaugh。]
THECALIFORNIAN。Gentlemen，you’retoomanyforME。
[Hegetsintohisberth，andaftercriesof\"GoodforCalifornia！\"
\"You’reallright，WilliamNye！\"and\"You’reseveralaheadyet！\"theoccupantsofthedifferentberthsgraduallyrelapseintosilence，andatlast，asthecarlungesonwardthroughthedarkness，nothingisheardbuttherhythmicalclankofthemachinery，withnowandthenaburstofaudibleslumberfromMRS。ROBERTS’SauntMARY。]
II。
AtWorcester，wherethetrainhasmadetheusualstop，THEPORTER，withhislanternonhisarm，entersthecar，precedingagentlemansomewhatanxiouslysmiling；hisnervousspeechcontrastspainfullywiththebusiness—likeimpassivenessofTHEPORTER，whorefuses，withanairofincredulity，toenterintotheconfidenceswhichthegentlemanseemsreluctanttobestow。
MR。EDWARDROBERTS。ThisistheGovernorMarcy，isn’tit？
THEPORTER。Yes，sah。
MR。ROBERTS。CameonfromAlbany，andnotfromNewYork？
THEPORTER。Yes，sah，itdid。
MR。ROBERTS。Ah！itmustbeallright。I—
THEPORTER。Wasyourwifeexpectingyoutocomeonboardhere？
MR。ROBERTS。Well，no，notexactly。ShewasexpectingmetomeetheratBoston。ButI——[strugglingtogivethesituationdignity，butfailing，andthrowinghimself，withself—convictedsilliness，uponTHEPORTER’Smercy。]Thefactis，IthoughtIwouldsurpriseherbyjoiningherhere。
THEPORTER（refusingtohaveanymercy）。Oh！Howdidyouexpecttofindher？
MR。ROBERTS。Well——well——Idon’tknow。Ididn’tconsider。[Helooksdowntheaisleindespairattheclose—drawncurtainsoftheberths，andupatthedanglinghatsandbagsandbonnets，anddownatthechaosofbootsofbothsexesonthefloor。]Idon’tknowHOWI
expectedtofindher。
[MR。ROBERTS’Scountenancefalls，andhevisiblysinkssolowinhisownesteemandanimaginarypublicopinionthatTHEPORTERbeginstohavealittlecompassion。]
THEPORTER。Dey’ssomanyladiesonboard_I_couldn’tfindher。
MR。ROBERTS。Oh，no，no，ofcoursenot。Ididn’texpectthat。
THEPORTER。Don’tliketogorouting’emallup，youknow。I
wouldn’tbeallowedto。
MR。ROBERTS。Idon’taskit；thatwouldbepreposterous。
THEPORTER。Whatsortoflookingladywasshe？
MR。ROBERTS。Well，Idon’tknow，really。Notverytall，ratherslight，blueeyes。I——Idon’tknowwhatyou’dcallhernose。And——
stop！Ohyes，shehadachildwithher，alittleboy。Yes！
THEPORTER（thoughtfullylookingdowntheaisle）。Deywasthreeladieshadchildren。Ididn’tnoticewhetherdeywasboysorgirls，orWHATdeywas。Didn’thaveanybodywithher？
MR。ROBERTS。No，no。Onlythechild。
THEPORTER。Well，Idon’tknowwhatyouaregoingtodo，sah。Itwon’tbeagreatwhilenowtillmorning，youknow。Herecomestheconductor。Maybehe’llknowwhattodo。
[MR。ROBERTSmakessomefutile，inarticulateattemptstopreventThePORTERfromlayingthecasebeforeTHECONDUCTOR，andthenstandsguiltilysmiling，overwhelmedwiththehopelessabsurdityofhisposition。]
THECONDUCTOR（enteringthecar，andstoppingbeforeTHEPORTER，andlookingatMR。ROBERTS）。Gentlemanwantaberth？
THEPORTER（grinning）。Well，no，sah。He’slookin’forhiswife。
THECONDUCTOR（withsuspicion）。Issheaboardthiscar？
MR。ROBERTS（strivingtopropitiateTHECONDUCTORbyadastardlyamiability）。Oh，yes，yes。There’snomistakeaboutthecar——theGovernorMarcy。ShetelegraphedthenamejustbeforeyouleftAlbany，sothatIcouldfindheratBostoninthemorning。Ah！
THECONDUCTOR。AtBoston。[Sternly。]ThenwhatareyoutryingtofindheratWorcesterinthemiddleofthenightfor？
MR。ROBERTS。Why——I——thatis—
THEPORTER（takingcompassiononMR。ROBERTS’Sinabilitytocontinue）。Sayshewantedtosurpriseher。
MR。ROBERTS。Ha——yes，exactly。Alittlecaprice，youknow。
THECONDUCTOR。Well，thatmayallbeso。[MR。ROBERTScontinuestosmileinagonizedhelplessnessagainstTHECONDUCTOR’Sinjurioustone，whichbecomesmoreandmoreoffensivelypatronizing。]But_I_
can’tdoanythingforyou。Hereareallthesepeopleasleepintheirberths，andIcan’tgoroundwakingthemupbecauseyouwanttosurpriseyourwife。
MR。ROBERTS。No，no；ofcoursenot。Ineverthought—
THECONDUCTOR。MyadvicetoYOUistohaveaberthmadeup，andgotobedtillwegettoBoston，andsurpriseyourwifebytellingherwhatyoutriedtodo。
MR。ROBERTS（unabletoresentthepatronageofthissuggestion）。
Well，Idon’tknowbutIwill。
THECONDUCTOR（goingout）。Theporterwillmakeuptheberthforyou。
MR。ROBERTS（toTHEPORTER，whoisabouttopulldowntheupperberthoveravacantseat）。Ah！Er——I——Idon’tthinkI’lltroubleyoutomakeitup；it’ssonearmorningnow。Justbringmeapillow，andI’lltrytogetanapwithoutlyingdown。
[Hetakesthevacantseat。]
THEPORTER。Allright，sah。
[Hegoestotheendofthecarandreturnswithapillow。]
MR。ROBERTS。Ah——porter！
THEPORTER。Yes，sah。
MR。ROBERTS。Ofcourseyoudidn’tnotice；butyoudon’tthinkyouDIDnoticewhowasinthatberthyonder？
[Heindicatesacertainberth。]
THEPORTER。Dat’sagen’lemanindatberth，Ithink，sah。
MR。ROBERTS（astutely）。There’sabonnethangingfromthehookatthetop。I’mnotsure，butitlookslikemywife’sbonnet。
THEPORTER（evidentlyshakenbythisreasoning，butrecoveringhisfirmness）。Yes，sah。Butyoucan’tdependupondeladiestohangdeirbonnetsonderighthook。Jes’likelyasnotdatlady’stookdehookatdefootofherberthinsteado’dehead。Sometimesdeytakesboth。
MR。ROBERTS。Ah！[Afterapause。]Porter！
THEPORTER。Yes，sah。
MR。ROBERTS。Youwouldn’tfeeljustifiedinlooking？
THEPORTER。Icouldn’t，sah；Icouldn’t，indeed。
MR。ROBERTS（reachinghislefthandtowardTHEPORTER’S，andpressingahalfdollarintohisinstantlyresponsivepalm）。Butthere’snothingtopreventMYlookingifIfeelperfectlysureofthebonnet？
THEPORTER。N—no，sah。
MR。ROBERTS。Allright。
[THEPORTERretirestotheendofthecar，andresumestheworkofpolishingthepassengers’boots。Afteranintervalofquiet，MR。
ROBERTSrises，and，lookingabouthimwithwhathefeelstobemelodramaticstealth，approachesthesuspectedberth。Heunloopsthecurtainwithatremblinghand，andpeersineffectuallyin；headvanceshisheadfurtherandfurtherintothedarkenedrecess，andthensuddenlydodgesbackagain，withTHECALIFORNIANhangingtohisneckclothwithonehand。]
THECALIFORNIAN（savagely）。Whatdoyouwant？
MR。ROBERTS（strugglingandbreathless）。I——I——Iwantmywife。
THECALIFORNIAN。Wantyourwife！Have_I_gotyourwife？
MR。ROBERTS。No——ah——thatis——ah，excuseme——IthoughtyouWEREmywife。
THECALIFORNIAN（gettingoutoftheberth，butatthesametimekeepingholdofMR。ROBERTS）。ThoughtIwasyourWIFE！DoIlooklikeyourwife？Youcan’tplaythatonme，oldman。Porter！
conductor！
MR。ROBERTS（agonized）。Oh，Ibeseechyou，mydearsir，don’t——
don’t！Icanexplainit——Icanindeed。Iknowithasanuglylook；
butifyouwillallowmetwowords——onlytwowords—
MRS。ROBERTS（suddenlypartingthecurtainofherberth，andspringingoutintotheaisle，withherhairwildlydishevelled）。
Edward！
MR。ROBERTS。Oh，Agnes，explaintothisgentleman！[Imploringly。]
Don’tyouknowme？
AVOICE。Makehimshowyouthestrawberrymarkonhisleftarm。
MRS。ROBERTS。Edward！Edward！[THECALIFORNIANmechanicallylooseshisgrip，andtheyflyintoeachother’sembrace。]Wheredidyoucomefrom？
AVOICE。Centredoor，lefthand，oneback。
THECONDUCTOR（returningwithhislantern）。Hallo！What’sthematterhere？
AVOICE。Trainrobbers！Throwupyourhands！Telltheexpress—
messengertobringhissafe。
[Thepassengersemergefromtheirberthsinvariousdeshabilleandbewilderment。]
THECONDUCTOR（toMR。ROBERTS）。Haveyoubeenmakingallthisrow，wakingupmypassengers？
THECALIFORNIAN。No，sir，hehasn’t。I’vebeenmakingthisrow。
Thisgentlemanwaspeaceablylookingforhiswife，andI
misunderstoodhim。Youwanttosayanythingtome？
THECONDUCTOR（silentlytakingTHECALIFORNIAN’Smeasurewithhiseye，ashestandssixfretinhisstockings）。IfIdid，I’dgetthebiggestbrakemanIcouldfindtodoitforme。I’VEgotnothingtosayexceptthatIthinkyou’dbetterallgobacktobedagain。
[Hegoesout，andthepassengersdisappearonebyone，leavingtheROBERTSESandTHECALIFORNIANalone。]
THECALIFORNIAN（toMR。ROBERTS）。Stranger，I’msorryIgotyouintothisscrape。
MR。ROBERTS。Oh，don’tspeakofit，mydearsir。I’msureweoweyouallsortsofapologies，whichIshallbemosthappytoofferyouatmyhouseinBoston，witheveryneedfulexplanation。[Hetakesouthiscard，andgivesittoTHECALIFORNIAN，wholooksatit，andthenlooksatMR。ROBERTScuriously。]There’smyaddress，andI’msureweshallbothbegladtohaveyoucall。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，yesindeed。[THECALIFORNIANpartsthecurtainsofhisberthtore—enterit。]Good—night，sir，andIassureyouWE
shalldonothingmoretodisturbyou——shallwe，Edward？
MR。ROBERTS。No。Andnow，dear，Ithinkyou’dbettergobacktoyourberth。
MRS。ROBERTS。Icouldn’tsleep，andIshallnotgoback。Isthisyourplace？Iwilljustrestmyheadonyourshoulder；andwemustbothbeperfectlyquiet。You’venoideawhatanuisanceIhavebeenmakingofmyself。Thewholecarwasperfectlyfuriousatmeonetime，Ikepttalkingsoloud。Idon’tknowhowIcametodoit，butIsupposeitwasthinkingaboutyouandWillismeetingwithoutknowingeachothermademenervous，andIcouldn’tbestill。Iwokeeverybodyupwithmytalking，andsomeofthemwerequiteoutrageousintheirremarks；butIdidn’tblamethemtheleastbit，forIshouldhavebeenjustasbad。ThatCaliforniagentlemanwasperfectlysplendid，though。IcantellyouHEmadethemstop。Westruckupquiteafriendship。ItoldhimIhadabrothercomingonfromCalifornia，andhe’sgoingtotrytothinkwhetherheknowsWillis。
[Groansandinarticulateprotestsmakethemselvesheardfromdifferentberths。]Ideclare，I’vegottotalkingagain！There，now，ISHALLstop，andtheywon’thearanothersqueakfrommetherestofthenight。[Sheliftsherheadfromherhusband’sshoulder。]
Iwonderifbabywillrollout。HeDOESkickso！AndIjustsprangupandlefthimwhenIheardyourvoice，withoutputtinganythingtokeephimin。IMUSTgoandhavealookathim，orInevercansettledown。No，no，don’tyougo，Edward；you’llbepryingintoallthewrongberthsinthecar，youpoorthing！Youstayhere，andI’llbebackinhalfasecond。Iwonderwhichismyberth。Ah！that’sit；I
knowtheonenow。[Shemakesasuddendashataberth，andpullingopenthecurtainsisconfrontedbythebeardedvisageofTHE
CALIFORNIAN。]Ah！Ow！ow！Edward！Ah！I——Ibegyourpardon，sir；
excuseme；Ididn’tknowitwasyou。Icameformybaby。
THECALIFORNIAN（solemnly）。Ihaven’tgotanybaby，ma’am。
MRS。ROBERTS。No——no——Ithoughtyouweremybaby。
THECALIFORNIAN。PerhapsIam，ma’am；I’velostsomuchsleepI
couldcry，anyway。DoILOOKlikeyourbaby？
MRS。ROBERTS。No，no，youdon’t。[Indistressthatovercomeshermortification。]Oh，whereismybaby？Ilefthimalluncovered，andhe’lltakehisdeathofcold，evenifhedoesn’trollout。Oh，Edward，Edward，helpmetofindbaby！
MR。ROBERTS（bustlingaimlesslyabout）。Yes，yes；certainly，mydear。Butdon’tbealarmed；weshallfindhim。
THECALIFORNIAN（gettingoutinhisstockingfeet）。Weshallfindhim，ma’am，ifwehavetosearcheveryberthinthiscar。Don’tyoutakeon。Thatbaby’sgoingtobefoundifhe’saboardthetrain，now，youbet！[Helooksaboutandthentearsopenthecurtainsofaberthatrandom。]Thatyourbaby，ma’am？
MRS。ROBERTS（flyingupontheinfantthusexposed）。Oh，BABY，baby，baby！！IthoughtIhadlostyou。Um！um！um！
[Sheclaspshiminherarms，andcovershisfaceandneckwithkisses。]
THECALIFORNIAN（ashegetsbackintohisberth，sottovoce）。IwishIHADbeenherbaby。
MRS。ROBERTS（returningwithherhusbandtohisseat，andbringingthebabywithher）。There！Didyoueverseesuchasleeper，Edward？
[Inherecstasysheabandonsallcontrolofhervoice，andjoyfullyexclaims。]Hehassleptallthroughthisexcitement，withoutawink。
AsolemnVoicefromoneoftheberths。Ienvyhim。
[Alaughfollows，inwhichallthepassengersjoin。]
MRS。ROBERTS（inahoarsewhisper，breakingalittlewithlaughter）。
Oh，mygoodness！thereIwentagain。Buthowfunny！Iassureyou，Edward，thatiftheirremarkshadnotbeenaboutme，Icouldhavereallyquiteenjoyedsomeofthem。Iwishtherehadbeensomebodyheretotakethemdown。AndIhopeIshallseesomeofthespeakersinthemorningbefore——Edward，I’vegotanidea！
MR。ROBERTS（endeavoringtoteachhiswifebyexampletolowerhervoice，whichhasrisenagain）。What——whatisit，mydear？
MRS。ROBERTS。Why，don’tyousee？Howperfectlyridiculousitwasofmenottothinkofitbefore！thoughIdidthinkofitonce，andhadn’tthecouragetoinsistuponit。Butofcourseitis；anditaccountsforhisbeingsopoliteandkindtomethroughall，andit’stheonlythingthatcan。Yes，yes，itmustbe。
MR。ROBERTS（mystified）。What？
MRS。ROBERTS。Willis。
MR。ROBERTS。Who？
MRS。ROBERTS。ThisCalifornian。
MR。ROBERTS。Oh！
MRS。ROBERTS。NoSTRANGERcouldhavebeensopatientand——and——
attentive；andIknowthatherecognizedmefromthefirst，andhe’sjustkeptitupforajoke，soastosurpriseusandhaveagoodlaughatuswhenwegettoBoston。OfCOURSEit’sWillis。
MR。ROBERTS（doubtfully）。Doyouthinkso，mydear？
MRS。ROBERTS。IKNOWit。Didn’tyounoticehowhelookedatyourcard？AndIwantyoutogoatonceandspeaktohim，andturnthetablesonhim。
MR。ROBERTS。I——I’dratherNOT，mydear。
MRS。ROBERTS。Why，Edward，whatcanyoumean？
MR。ROBERTS。He’sveryviolent。SupposeitSHOULDN’TbeWillis？
MRS。ROBERTS。Nonsense！ItISWillis。Come，let’sbothgoandjusttaxhimwithit。Hecan’tdenyit，afterallhe’sdoneforme。[ShepullsherreluctanthusbandtowardTHECALIFORNIAN’Sberth，andtheyeachdrawacurtain。]Willis！
THECALIFORNIAN（withplaintiveendurance）。Well，ma’am？
MRS。ROBERTS（triumphantly）。There！Iknewitwasyouallalong。
Howcouldyouplaysuchajokeonme？
THECALIFORNIAN。Ididn’tknowthere’dbeenanyjoke；butIsupposetheremusthavebeen，ifyousayso。WhoamInow，ma’am——yourhusband，oryourbaby，oryourhusband’swife，or—
MRS。ROBERTS。Howfunnyyouare！YouKNOWyou’reWillisCampbell，myonlybrother。NowDON’Ttrytokeepitupanylonger，Willis。
[Voicesfromvariousberths。\"Giveusarest，Willis！\"\"Joke’stoothin，Willis！\"\"You’replayedout，Willis！\"\"Ownup，oldfellow——
ownup！\"
THECALIFORNIAN（issuingfromhisberth，andwalkingupanddowntheaisle，asbefore，tillquietisrestored）。Ihaven’tgotanysister，andmynameain’tWillis，anditain’tCampbell。I’mverysorry，becauseI’dliketoobligeyouanywayIcould。
MRS。ROBERTS（indeepmortification）。It’sIwhooughttoapologize，andIdomosthumbly。Idon’tknowwhattosay；butwhenIgottothinkingaboutit，andhowkindyouhadbeentome，andhowsweetyouhadbeenunderallmy——interruptions，Ifeltperfectlysurethatyoucouldn’tbeamerestranger，andthentheideastruckmethatyoumustbemybrotherindisguise；andIwassocertainofitthatI
couldn’thelpjustlettingyouknowthatwe’dfoundyouout，and—
MR。ROBERTS（offeringabelatedandfeeblemoralsupport）。Yes。
MRS。ROBERTS（promptlyturninguponhim）。AndYOUoughttohavekeptmefrommakingsuchasimpletonofmyself，Edward。
THECALIFORNIAN（soothingly）。Well，ma’am，thatain’talwayssoeasy。Amanmaymeanwell，andyetnotbeabletocarryouthisintentions。Butit’sallright。AndIreckonwe’dbettertrytoquietdownagain，andgetwhatrestwecan。
MRS。ROBERTS。Why，yes，certainly；andIwilltry——oh，IwillTRY
nottodisturbyouagain。Andifthere’sanythingwecandoinreparationafterwereachBoston，weshallbesogladtodoit！
[Theybowthemselvesaway，andreturntotheirseat，whileTHE
CALIFORNIANre—entershisberth。]
III。
ThetrainstopsatFramingham，andTHEPORTERcomesinwithapassengerwhomheshowstotheseatoppositeMR。andMRS。ROBERTS。
THEPORTER。Youcansithere，sah。We’llbeininaboutanhournow。Hangupyourbagforyou，sah？
THEPASSENGER。No，leaveitontheseathere。
[THEPORTERgoesout，andtheROBERTSESmaintainadejectedsilence。
Thebottomofthebag，throwncarelesslyontheseat，istowardtheROBERTSES，whoregarditlistlessly。]
MRS。ROBERTS（suddenlyclutchingherhusband’sarm，andhissinginhisear）。See！[Shepointstothewhiteletteringonthebag，wherethename\"WillisCampbell，SanFrancisco，\"isdistinctlylegible。]
Butitcan’tbe；itmustbesomeotherCampbell。Ican’triskit。
MR。ROBERTS。Butthere’sthename。ItwouldbeverystrangeifthereweretwopeoplefromSanFranciscoofexactlythesamename。
_I_willspeak。
MRS。ROBERTS（aswildlyasonecaninwhisper）。No，no，Ican’tletyou。We’vemadeourselvesthelaughing—stockofthewholecaralreadywithourmistakes，andIcan’tgoon。Iwouldratherperishthanaskhim。Youdon’tsupposeitCOULDbe？No，itcouldn’t。
TheremaybetwentyWillisCampbellsinSanFrancisco，andthereprobablyare。Doyouthinkhelookslikeme！Hehasastraightnose；butyoucan’ttellanythingaboutthelowerpartofhisface，thebeardcoversitso；andIcan’tmakeoutthecolorofhiseyesbythislight。Butofcourseit’sallnonsense。StillifitSHOULDbe！
ItwouldbeverystupidofustorideallthewayfromFraminghamtoBostonwiththatnamestaringoneintheeyes。Iwishhewouldturnitaway。IfitreallyturnedouttoBEWillis，hewouldthinkwewereawfullystiffandcold。ButIcan’thelpit；ICAN’TgoattackingeverystrangerIsee，andaccusinghimofbeingmybrother。
No，no，Ican’t，andIWON’T，andthat’sallaboutit。[Sheleansforwardandaddressesthestrangerwithsuddensweetness。]Excuseme，sir，butIAMverymuchinterestedbythenameonyourbag。NotthatIthinkyouareevenacquaintedwithhim，andthereareprobablyagreatmanyofthemthere；butyourcomingfromthesamecityandallDOESseemalittlequeer，andIhopeyouwon’tthinkmeintrusiveinspeakingtoyou，becauseifyouSHOULDhappen，bythethousandthofachance，tobetherightone，IshouldbeSOhappy！
CAMPBELL。Therightwhat，madam？
MRS。ROBERTS。TherightWillisCampbell。
CAMPBELL。IhopeI’mnotthewrongone；thoughafteraweek’spullontherailroadit’sprettyhardforamantotellwhichWillisCampbellheis。MayIaskifyourWillisCampbellhadfriendsinBoston？
MRS。ROBERTS（eagerly）。Hehadasisterandabrother—in—lawandanephew。
CAMPBELL。NameofRoberts？
MRS。ROBERTS。Everyone。
CAMPBELL。Thenyou’re—
MRS。ROBERTS（ecstatically）。Agnes！
CAMPBELL。Andhe’s—
MRS。ROBERTS。Mr。Roberts！
CAMPBELL。Andthebaby’s—
MRS。ROBERTS。Asleep！
CAMPBELL。Then_I_amtherightone。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，Willis！Willis！Willis！Tothinkofourmeetinginthisway！[Shekissesandembraceshim，whileMR。ROBERTSshakesoneofhishandswhichhefindsdisengaged。]HOWintheworlddidithappen？
CAMPBELL。Ah，Ifoundmyselfalittleaheadoftime，andIstoppedoffwithanoldfriendofmineatFramingham；Ididn’twanttodisappointyouwhenyoucametomeetthistrain，orgetyouuplastnightatmidnight。
MRS。ROBERTS。AndIwasinAlbany，andI’vebeenmovingheavenandearthtogethomebeforeyouarrived；andEdwardcameaboardatWorcestertosurpriseme，and——Oh，you’veneverseenthebaby！I’llrunrightandgethimthisinstant，justasheis，andbringhim。
Edward，youbeexplainingtoWillis——Oh，mygoodness！[Lookingwildlyabout。]Idon’tremembertheberth，andIshallbesuretowakeupthatpoorCaliforniagentlemanagain。WHATshallIdo？
CAMPBELL。WhatCaliforniagentleman？
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，somebodywe’vebeenstirringupthewholeblessednight。FirstItookhimforbaby，andthenEdwardtookhimforme，andthenItookhimforbabyagain，andthenwebothtookhimforyou。
CAMPBELL。Didhelooklikeanyofus？
MRS。ROBERTS。LikeUS？He’seightfeettall，ifhe’saninch，inhisstockings——andhe’salwaysinthem——andhehasalongblackbeardandmustaches，andhe’sverylanky，andstoopsoveragooddeal；buthe’sjustaslovelyashecanbeandlive，andhe’sbeenaskindandpatientastwentyJobs。
CAMPBELL。Speaksinasortofsoft，slowgrind？
MRS。ROBERTS。Yes。
CAMPBELL。Gentleanddeferentialtoladies？
MRS。ROBERTS。Aspie。
CAMPBELL。It’sTomGoodall。I’llhavehimoutofthereinhalfasecond。Iwantyoutotakehimhomewithyou，Agnes。He’sthebestfellowintheworld。WHICHishisberth？
MRS。ROBERTS。Don’taskme，Willis。Butifyou’dgoforbaby，you’llbesuretofindhim。
MR。ROBERTS（timidlyindicatingaberth）。Ithinkthat’stheone。
CAMPBELL（plungingatit，andpullingthecurtainsopen）。YouoldTomGoodall！
THECALIFORNIAN（appearing）。Iain’tanyTomGoodall。Myname’sAbramSawyer。
CAMPBELL（fallingback）。Well，sir，you’reright。I’mawfullysorrytodisturbyou；but，frommysister’sdescriptionhere，IfeltcertainyoumustbemyoldfriendTomGoodall。
THECALIFORNIAN。Iain’tsurprisedatit。I’monlysurprisedI
AIN’TTomGoodall。I’vebeenababytwice，andI’vebeenaman’swifeonce，andonceI’vebeenalong—lostbrother。
CAMPBELL（laughing）。Oh，they’vefoundHIM。I’Mthelong—lostbrother。
THECALIFORNIAN（sleepily）。Hasshefoundtheotherone？
CAMPBELL。Yes；allright，Ibelieve。
THECALIFORNIAN。HasHEfoundwhatHEwanted？
CAMPBELL。Yes；we’realltogetherhere。[THECALIFORNIANmakesamovementtogetintobedagain。]Oh，don’t！You’dbettermakeanightofitnow。It’salmostmorninganyway。Wewantyoutogohomewithus，andMrs。Robertswillgiveyouabedatherhouse，andletyousleepaweek。
THECALIFORNIAN。Well，Ireckonyou’reright，stranger。IseemtobeinthehandsofProvidenceto—nightanyhow。[Hepullsonhisbootsandcoat，andtakeshisseatbesideCAMPBELL。]Ireckonthereain’tanyuseinfightingagainstProvidence。
MRS。ROBERTS（briskly，asifshehadoftentrieditandfailed）。Oh，nottheleastintheworld。I’msureitwasallintended；andifyouhadturnedouttobeWillisatlast，IshouldbeCERTAINofit。Whatsurprisesmeisthatyoushouldn’tturnouttobeanybody，afterall。
THECALIFORNIAN。Yes，itiskindofcurious。ButIcouldn’thelpit。Ididmybest。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，don’tspeakofit。WEaretheoneswhooughttoapologize。Butifyouonlyhadbeensomebody，itwouldhavebeensuchagoodjoke！Wecouldalwayshavehadsuchalaughoverit，don’tyousee？
THECALIFORNIAN。Yes，ma’am，itwouldhavebeenfunny。ButIhopeyou’veenjoyeditasitis。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，verymuch，thankstoyou。OnlyIcan’tseemtogetreconciledtoyournotbeinganybody，afterall。YouMUSTatleastbesomeonewe’veheardabout，don’tyouthink？It’ssostrangethatyouandWillisneverevenmet。Don’tyouthinkyouhavesomeacquaintancesincommon？
CAMPBELL。Lookhere，Agnes，doyoualwaysshoutatthetopofyourvoiceinthiswaywhenyouconverseinasleeping—car？
MRS。ROBERTS。WasItalkingloudagain？Well，youcan’thelpitifyouwanttomakepeoplehearyou。
CAMPBELL。Buttheremustbealotofthemwhodon’twanttohearyou。Iwonderthatthepassengerswhoarenotblood—relationsdon’tthrowthingsatyou——bootsandhand—bagsandlanguage。
MRS。ROBERTS。Why，that’swhatthey’veBEENdoing——language，atleast——andI’monlysurprisedthey’renotdoingitnow。
THECALIFORNIAN（rising）。They’dbetternot，ma’am。
[Hepatrolsthecarfromendtoend，andquellssomerisingmurmurs，haltingattherebelliousberthsashepasses。]
MRS。ROBERTS（enrapturedbyhiscompanionship）。Oh，heMUSTbesomeconnection。[Sheglancesthroughthewindow。]IdobelievethatwasNewton，orNewtonville，orWestNewton，orNewtonCentre。Imustrunandwakeupbaby，andgethimdressed。Ishan’twanttowaitaninstantafterwegetin。Why，we’reslowingup！Why，Idobelievewe’rethere！Edward，we’rethere！Onlyfancybeingtherealready！
MR。ROBERTS。Yes，mydear。Onlywe’renotquitethereyet。Hadn’twebettercallyourauntMary？
MRS。ROBERTS。I’dforgottenher。
CAMPBELL。IsAuntMarywithyou？
MRS。ROBERTS。Tobesuresheis。Didn’tItellyou？Shecameonexpresslytomeetyou。
CAMPBELL（startingupimpetuously）。Whichberthisshein？
MRS。ROBERTS。Rightoverbaby。
CAMPBELL。Andwhichberthisbabyin？
MRS。ROBERTS（distractedly）。Why，that’sjustwhatIcan’tTELL。Itwasbadenoughwhentheywereallfilledup，butnowsincethepeoplehavebeguntocomeoutofthem，andsomeofthemaremadeintoseatsIcan’ttell。
THECALIFORNIAN。I’lllookforyou，ma’am。Ishouldliketowakeupallthewrongpassengersonthiscar。I’dtakeapleasureinit。IfyoucouldmakesureofanyberththatAIN’Ttheone，I’llbeginonthat。
MRS。ROBERTS。Ican’tevenbesureofthewrongone。No，no；youmustn’t——[THECALIFORNIANmovesaway，andpausesinfrontofoneoftheberths，lookingbackinquiringlyatMRS。ROBERTS。]Oh，don’taskME！_I_can’ttell。[ToCAMPBELL。]ISN’Theamusing？SolikeallthoseCaliforniansthatonereadsof——sochivalrousandSOhumorous！
AUNTMARY（thrustingherheadfromthecurtainsoftheberthbeforewhichTHECALIFORNIANisstanding）。Goalongwithyou！Whatdoyouwant？
THECALIFORNIAN。AuntMary。
AUNTMARY。Goaway。AuntMary，indeed！
MRS。ROBERTS（runningtowardher，followedbyCAMPBELLandMR。
ROBERTS）。Why，AuntMary，itISyou！Andhere’sWillis，andhere’sEdward。
AUNTMARY。Nonsense！Howdidtheygetaboard？
MRS。ROBERTS。EdwardcameonatWorcesterandWillisatFramingham，tosurpriseme。
AUNTMARY。Andaverysillyperformance。LetthemwaittillI’mdressed，andthenI’lltalktothem。Sendfortheporter。[Shewithdrawsherheadbehindthecurtain，andthenthrustsitoutagain。]Andwho，pray，mayTHISbe？
[SheindicatesTHECALIFORNIAN。]
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh，afriendofoursfromCalifornia，who’sbeensokindtousallnight，andwho’sgoinghomewithus。
AUNTMARY。Anotherridiculoussurprise，Isuppose。ButheshallnotsurpriseME。Youngman，isn’tyournameSawyer？
THECALIFORNIAN。Yes，ma’am。
AUNTMARY。Abram？
THECALIFORNIAN。AbramSawyer。You’rerightthere，ma’am。
MRS。ROBERTS。Oh！oh！Iknewit！Iknewthathemustbesomebodybelongingtous。Oh，thankyou，aunty，forthinking—
AUNTMARY。Don’tbeabsurd，Agnes。Thenyou’remy—
AVOICEfromoneoftheberths。Loststep—son。Found！foundatlast！
[THECALIFORNIANlooksvainlyroundinanendeavortoidentifythespeaker，andthenturnsagaintoAUNTMARY。]
AUNTMARY。Weren’tyourparentsfromBath？
THECALIFORNIAN（eagerly）。Bothof’em，ma’am——bothof’em。
THEVOICE。Omypropheticsoul，myuncle！
AUNTMARY。Thenyou’remyoldfriendKateHarris’sdaughter？
THECALIFORNIAN。ImightbeherSON，ma’am；butMYmother’snamewasSusanWakeman。
AUNTMARY（insharpdisgust）。Calltheporter，please。
[Shewithdrawsherheadandpullshercurtainstogether；therestlookblanklyatoneanother。]
CAMPBELL。Anotherfailure，andjustwhenwethoughtweweresureofyou。Idon’tknowwhatweshalldoaboutyou，Mr。Sawyer。
THEVOICE。Adopthim。
CAMPBELL。That’sagoodidea。Wewilladoptyou。Youshallbeouradoptive—
THEVOICE。Babyboy。
ANOTHERVOICE。Wife。
ATHIRDVOICE。Brother。
AFOURTHVOICE。Earlyfriend。
AFIFTHVOICE。KateHarris’sdaughter。
CAMPBELL（layinghishandonTHECALIFORNIAN’Sshoulder，andbreakingintoalaugh）。Don’tmindthem。Theydon’tmeananything。It’sjusttheirway。Youcomehomewithmysister，andspendChristmas，andletusdevotetherestofourlivestomakingyourdecliningyearshappy。
VOICES。\"Goodforyou，Willis！\"\"We’llallcome！\"\"Noceremony！\"
\"Smallandearly！\"
CAMPBELL（lookinground）。Weappeartohavefalleninwithapartyofdry—goodsdrummers。Itmakesagentlemanfeellikeanintruder。
[Thetrainstops；helooksoutofthewindow。]We’vearrived。Come，Agnes；come，Roberts；come，Mr。Sawyer——let’sbegoing。
[Theygatheruptheirseveralwrapsandbags，andmovewithgreatdignitytowardthedoor。]
AUNTMARY（puttingoutherhead）。Agnes！Ifyoumustforgetyouraunt，atleastrememberyourchild。
MRS。ROBERTS（runningbackinanagonyofremorse）。Oh，BABY，didI
forgetyou？
CAMPBELL。Oh，AUNTY，didsheforgetyou？[Herunsback，andextendshisarmstohisaunt。]Letmehelpyoudown，AuntMary。
AUNTMARY。Nonsense，Willis。Sendtheporter。
CAMPBELL（turningroundandconfrontingTHEPORTER）。Hewashereuponinstinct。Shallhefetchastep—ladder？
AUNTMARY。HEwillknowwhattodo。Goaway，Willis；goawaywiththatchild，Agnes。IfIshouldhappentofallonyou——[Theyretreat；
thecurtaindrops，andhervoiceisheardbehinditaddressingTHE
PORTER。]Givemeyourhand；nowyourback；nowyourknee。So！Andverywelldone。Thanks。