Hewalkedverymodestlybehindthem。Hewasnotwillingtospoilsport。AboutRebeccaandJoshedidnotcareafig。ButhethoughtAmeliaworthyevenofthebrilliantGeorgeOsborne，andashesawthatgood-lookingcouplethreadingthewalkstothegirl’sdelightandwonder，hewatchedherartlesshappinesswithasortoffatherlypleasure。Perhapshefeltthathewouldhavelikedtohavesomethingonhisownarmbesidesashawlthepeoplelaughedatseeingthegawkyyoungofficercarryingthisfemaleburthen；butWilliamDobbinwasverylittleaddictedtoselfishcalculationatall；andsolongashisfriendwasenjoyinghimself，howshouldhebediscontented？
Andthetruthis，thatofallthedelightsoftheGardens；ofthehundredthousandextralamps，whichwerealwayslighted；thefiddlersincockedhats，whoplayedravishingmelodiesunderthegildedcockle-shellinthemidstofthegardens；thesingers，bothofcomicandsentimentalballads，whocharmedtheearsthere；thecountrydances，formedbybouncingcockneysandcockneyesses，andexecutedamidstjumping，thumpingandlaughter；thesignalwhichannouncedthatMadameSaquiwasabouttomountskywardonaslack-ropeascendingtothestars；thehermitthatalwayssatintheilluminatedhermitage；thedarkwalks，sofavourabletotheinterviewsofyounglovers；thepotsofstouthandedaboutbythepeopleintheshabbyoldliveries；andthetwinklingboxes，inwhichthehappyfeastersmade-believetoeatslicesofalmostinvisibleham——ofallthesethings，andofthegentleSimpson，thatkindsmilingidiot，who，Idaresay，presidedeventhenovertheplace——CaptainWilliamDobbindidnottaketheslightestnotice。
HecarriedaboutAmelia’swhitecashmereshawl，andhavingattendedunderthegiltcockle-shell，whileMrs。
SalmonperformedtheBattleofBorodinoasavagecantataagainsttheCorsicanupstart，whohadlatelymetwithhisRussianreverses——Mr。Dobbintriedtohumitashewalkedaway，andfoundhewashumming——thetunewhichAmeliaSedleysangonthestairs，asshecamedowntodinner。
Heburstoutlaughingathimself；forthetruthis，hecouldsingnobetterthananowl。
Itistobeunderstood，asamatterofcourse，thatouryoungpeople，beinginpartiesoftwoandtwo，madethemostsolemnpromisestokeeptogetherduringtheevening，andseparatedintenminutesafterwards。PartiesatVauxhallalwaysdidseparate，but’twasonlytomeetagainatsupper-time，whentheycouldtalkoftheirmutualadventuresintheinterval。
WhatweretheadventuresofMr。OsborneandMissAmelia？Thatisasecret。Butbesureofthis——theywereperfectlyhappy，andcorrectintheirbehaviour；andastheyhadbeeninthehabitofbeingtogetheranytimethesefifteenyears，theirtete-a-teteofferednoparticularnovelty。
ButwhenMissRebeccaSharpandherstoutcompanionlostthemselvesinasolitarywalk，inwhichtherewerenotabovefivescoremoreofcouplessimilarlystraying，theybothfeltthatthesituationwasextremelytenderandcritical，andnoworneverwasthemomentMissSharpthought，toprovokethatdeclarationwhichwastremblingonthetimidlipsofMr。Sedley。TheyhadpreviouslybeentothepanoramaofMoscow，wherearudefellow，treadingonMissSharp’sfoot，causedhertofallbackwithalittleshriekintothearmsofMr。Sedley，andthislittleincidentincreasedthetendernessandconfidenceofthatgentlemantosuchadegree，thathetoldherseveralofhisfavouriteIndianstoriesoveragainfor，atleast，thesixthtime。
“HowIshouldliketoseeIndia！”saidRebecca。
“SHOULDyou？”saidJoseph，withamostkillingtenderness；
andwasnodoubtabouttofollowupthisartfulinterrogatorybyaquestionstillmoretenderforhepuffedandpantedagreatdeal，andRebecca’shand，whichwasplacednearhisheart，couldcountthefeverishpulsationsofthatorgan，when，oh，provoking！thebellrangforthefireworks，and，agreatscufflingandrunningtakingplace，theseinterestingloverswereobligedtofollowinthestreamofpeople。
CaptainDobbinhadsomethoughtsofjoiningthepartyatsupper：as，intruth，hefoundtheVauxhallamusementsnotparticularlylively——butheparadedtwicebeforetheboxwherethenowunitedcouplesweremet，andnobodytookanynoticeofhim。Coverswerelaidforfour。Thematedpairswereprattlingawayquitehappily，andDobbinknewhewasascleanforgottenasifhehadneverexistedinthisworld。
“Ishouldonlybedetrop。”saidtheCaptain，lookingatthemratherwistfully。”I’dbestgoandtalktothehermit。”——
andsohestrolledoffoutofthehumofmen，andnoise，andclatterofthebanquet，intothedarkwalk，attheendofwhichlivedthatwell-knownpasteboardSolitary。Itwasn’tverygoodfunforDobbin——and，indeed，tobealoneatVauxhall，Ihavefound，frommyownexperience，tobeoneofthemostdismalsportseverenteredintobyabachelor。
Thetwocoupleswereperfectlyhappythenintheirbox：wherethemostdelightfulandintimateconversationtookplace。Joswasinhisglory，orderingaboutthewaiterswithgreatmajesty。Hemadethesalad；anduncorkedtheChampagne；andcarvedthechickens；andateanddrankthegreaterpartoftherefreshmentsonthetables。
Finally，heinsisteduponhavingabowlofrackpunch；
everybodyhadrackpunchatVauxhall。”Waiter，rackpunch。”
Thatbowlofrackpunchwasthecauseofallthishistory。Andwhynotabowlofrackpunchaswellasanyothercause？WasnotabowlofprussicacidthecauseofFairRosamond’sretiringfromtheworld？WasnotabowlofwinethecauseofthedemiseofAlexandertheGreat，or，atleast，doesnotDr。Lemprieresayso？——sodidthisbowlofrackpunchinfluencethefatesofalltheprincipalcharactersinthis“NovelwithoutaHero。”whichwearenowrelating。Itinfluencedtheirlife，althoughmostofthemdidnottasteadropofit。
Theyoungladiesdidnotdrinkit；Osbornedidnotlikeit；andtheconsequencewasthatJos，thatfatgourmand，drankupthewholecontentsofthebowl；
andtheconsequenceofhisdrinkingupthewholecontentsofthebowlwasalivelinesswhichatfirstwasastonishing，andthenbecamealmostpainful；forhetalkedandlaughedsoloudastobringscoresoflistenersroundthebox，muchtotheconfusionoftheinnocentpartywithinit；and，volunteeringtosingasongwhichhedidinthatmaudlinhighkeypeculiartogentlemeninaninebriatedstate，healmostdrewawaytheaudiencewhoweregatheredroundthemusiciansinthegiltscollop-shell，andreceivedfromhishearersagreatdealofapplause。
“Brayvo，Fatun！”saidone；“Angcore，DanielLambert！”
saidanother；“Whatafigureforthetight-rope！”
exclaimedanotherwag，totheinexpressiblealarmoftheladies，andthegreatangerofMr。Osborne。
“ForHeaven’ssake，Jos，letusgetupandgo。”criedthatgentleman，andtheyoungwomenrose。
“Stop，mydearestdiddle-diddle-darling。”shoutedJos，nowasboldasalion，andclaspingMissRebeccaroundthewaist。Rebeccastarted，butshecouldnotgetawayherhand。Thelaughteroutsideredoubled。Joscontinuedtodrink，tomakelove，andtosing；and，winkingandwavinghisglassgracefullytohisaudience，challengedalloranytocomeinandtakeashareofhispunch。
Mr。Osbornewasjustonthepointofknockingdownagentlemanintop-boots，whoproposedtotakeadvantageofthisinvitation，andacommotionseemedtobeinevitable，whenbythegreatestgoodluckagentlemanofthenameofDobbin，whohadbeenwalkingaboutthegardens，steppeduptothebox。”Beoff，youfools！”saidthisgentleman——shoulderingoffagreatnumberofthecrowd，whovanishedpresentlybeforehiscockedhatandfierceappearance——andheenteredtheboxinamostagitatedstate。
“GoodHeavens！Dobbin，wherehaveyoubeen？”0sbornesaid，seizingthewhitecashmereshawlfromhisfriend’sarm，andhuddlingupAmeliainit——“Makeyourselfuseful，andtakechargeofJoshere，whilstI
taketheladiestothecarriage。”
Joswasforrisingtointerfere——butasinglepushfromOsborne’sfingersenthimpuffingbackintohisseatagain，andthelieutenantwasenabledtoremovetheladiesinsafety。Joskissedhishandtothemastheyretreated，andhiccuppedout“Blessyou！Blessyou！”Then，seizingCaptainDobbin’shand，andweepinginthemostpitifulway，heconfidedtothatgentlemanthesecretofhisloves。Headoredthatgirlwhohadjustgoneout；hehadbrokenherheart，heknewhehad，byhisconduct；hewouldmarryhernextmorningatSt。George’s，HanoverSquare；he’dknockuptheArchbishopofCanterburyatLambeth：hewould，byJove！andhavehiminreadiness；and，actingonthishint，CaptainDobbinshrewdlyinducedhimtoleavethegardensandhastentoLambethPalace，and，whenonceoutofthegates，easilyconveyedMr。JosSedleyintoahackney-coach，whichdepositedhimsafelyathislodgings。
GeorgeOsborneconductedthegirlshomeinsafety：
andwhenthedoorwascloseduponthem，andashewalkedacrossRussellSquare，laughedsoastoastonishthewatchman。Amelialookedveryruefullyatherfriend，astheywentupstairs，andkissedher，andwenttobedwithoutanymoretalking。
“Hemustproposeto-morrow。”thoughtRebecca。”Hecalledmehissoul’sdarling，fourtimes；hesqueezedmyhandinAmelia’spresence。Hemustproposeto-morrow。”
AndsothoughtAmelia，too。AndIdaresayshethoughtofthedressshewastowearasbridesmaid，andofthepresentswhichsheshouldmaketohernicelittlesister-in-
law，andofasubsequentceremonyinwhichsheherselfmightplayaprincipalpart，&c。，and&c。，and&c。，and&c。
Oh，ignorantyoungcreatures！Howlittledoyouknowtheeffectofrackpunch！Whatistherackinthepunch，atnight，totherackintheheadofamorning？TothistruthIcanvouchasaman；thereisnoheadacheintheworldlikethatcausedbyVauxhallpunch。Throughthelapseoftwentyyears，Icanremembertheconsequenceoftwoglasses！ twowine-glasses！ buttwo，uponthehonourofagentleman；andJosephSedley，whohadalivercomplaint，hadswallowedatleastaquartoftheabominablemixture。
Thatnextmorning，whichRebeccathoughtwastodawnuponherfortune，foundSedleygroaninginagonieswhichthepenrefusestodescribe。Soda-waterwasnotinventedyet。Smallbeer——willitbebelieved！——wastheonlydrinkwithwhichunhappygentlemensoothedthefeveroftheirpreviousnight’spotation。Withthismildbeveragebeforehim，GeorgeOsbornefoundtheex-
CollectorofBoggleyWollahgroaningonthesofaathislodgings。Dobbinwasalreadyintheroom，good-
naturedlytendinghispatientofthenightbefore。Thetwoofficers，lookingattheprostrateBacchanalian，andaskanceateachother，exchangedthemostfrightfulsympatheticgrins。EvenSedley’svalet，themostsolemnandcorrectofgentlemen，withthemutenessandgravityofanundertaker，couldhardlykeephiscountenanceinorder，ashelookedathisunfortunatemaster。
“Mr。Sedleywasuncommonwildlastnight，sir。”hewhisperedinconfidencetoOsborne，asthelattermountedthestair。”Hewantedtofightthe’ackney-coachman，sir。
TheCaptingwasobligedtobringhimupstairsinhisharmslikeababby。”AmomentarysmileflickeredoverMr。Brush’sfeaturesashespoke；instantly，however，theyrelapsedintotheirusualunfathomablecalm，asheflungopenthedrawing-roomdoor，andannounced“Mr。
Hosbin。”
“Howareyou，Sedley？”thatyoungwagbegan，aftersurveyinghisvictim。”Nobonesbroke？There’sahackney-coachmandownstairswithablackeye，andatied-uphead，vowinghe’llhavethelawofyou。”
“Whatdoyoumean——law？”Sedleyfaintlyasked。
“Forthrashinghimlastnight——didn’the，Dobbin？Youhitout，sir，likeMolyneux。Thewatchmansaysheneversawafellowgodownsostraight。AskDobbin。”
“YouDIDhavearoundwiththecoachman。”CaptainDobbinsaid，“andshowedplentyoffighttoo。”
“AndthatfellowwiththewhitecoatatVauxhall！HowJosdroveathim！Howthewomenscreamed！ByJove，sir，itdidmyheartgoodtoseeyou。Ithoughtyoucivilianshadnopluck；butI’llnevergetinyourwaywhenyouareinyourcups，Jos。”
“IbelieveI’mveryterrible，whenI’mroused。”
ejaculatedJosfromthesofa，andmadeagrimacesodrearyandludicrous，thattheCaptain’spolitenesscouldrestrainhimnolonger，andheandOsbornefiredoffaringingvolleyoflaughter。
Osbornepursuedhisadvantagepitilessly。HethoughtJosamilksop。HehadbeenrevolvinginhismindthemarriagequestionpendingbetweenJosandRebecca，andwasnotoverwellpleasedthatamemberofafamilyintowhichhe，GeorgeOsborne，ofthe——th，wasgoingtomarry，shouldmakeamesalliancewithalittlenobody——alittleupstartgoverness。”Youhit，youpooroldfellow！”saidOsborne。”Youterrible！Why，man，youcouldn’tstand——youmadeeverybodylaughintheGardens，thoughyouwerecryingyourself。Youweremaudlin，Jos。Don’tyouremembersingingasong？”