Thespirituousandfermentedliquorsbeingthusdisposedof，the
zealofthereformersnextinducedthemtoreplenishthefirewithall
theboxesofteaandbagsofcoffeeintheworld。Andnowcamethe
plantersofVirginia，bringingtheircropsoftobacco。These，being
castupontheheapofinutility，aggregatedittothesizeofa
mountain，andincensedtheatmospherewithsuchpotentfragrance
thatmethoughtweshouldneverdrawpurebreathagain。Thepresent
sacrificeseemedtostartletheloversoftheweedmorethanany
thattheyhadhithertowitnessed。
“Well，they’veputmypipeout。”saidanoldgentleman，flingingit
intotheflamesinapet。“Whatisthisworldcomingto？Everything
richandracy-allthespiceoflife-istobecondemnedasuseless。
Nowthattheyhavekindledthebonfire，ifthesenonsensicalreformers
wouldflingthemselvesintoit，allwouldbewellenough！”
“Bepatient。”respondedastaunchconservative；“itwillcometo
thatintheend。Theywillfirstflingusin，andfinallythemselves。”
Fromthegeneralandsystematicmeasuresofreform，Inowturnedto
considertheindividualcontributionstothismemorablebonfire。In
manyinstancesthesewereofaveryamusingcharacter。Onepoorfellow
threwinhisemptypurse，andanotherabundleofcounterfeitor
insolvablebanknotes。Fashionableladiesthrewintheirlastseason’s
bonnets，togetherwithheapsofribbons，yellowlace，andmuchother
half-wornmilliner’sware；allofwhichprovedevenmoreevanescentin
thefirethanithadbeeninthefashion。Amultitudeofloversof
bothsexes-discardedmaidsorbachelors，andcouplesmutuallyweary
ofoneanother-tossedinbundlesofperfumedlettersandenamored
sonnets。Ahackpolitician，beingdeprivedofbreadbythelossof
office，threwinhisteeth，whichhappenedtobefalseones。The
Rev。SydneySmith-havingvoyagedacrosstheAtlanticforthatsole
purpose-cameuptothebonfirewithabittergrin，andthrewin
certainrepudiatedbonds，fortifiedthoughtheywerewiththebroad
sealofasovereignstate。Alittleboyoffiveyearsold，inthe
prematuremanlinessofthepresentepoch，threwinhisplaythings；a
collegegraduate，hisdiploma；anapothecary，ruinedbythespread
ofhomoeopathy，hiswholestockofdrugsandmedicines；aphysician，
hislibrary；aparson，hisoldsermons；andafinegentlemanofthe
oldschool，hiscodeofmanners，whichhehadformerlywrittendown
forthebenefitofthenextgeneration。Awidow，resolvingonasecond
marriage，slilythrewinherdeadhusband’sminiature。Ayoungman，
jiltedbyhismistress，wouldwillinglyhaveflunghisowndesperate
heartintotheflames，butcouldfindnomeanstowrenchitoutofhis
bosom。AnAmericanauthor，whoseworkswereneglectedbythepublic，
threwhispenandpaperintothebonfire，andbetookhimselftosome
lessdiscouragingoccupation。Itsomewhatstartledmetooverheara
numberofladies，highlyrespectableinappearance，proposingtofling
theirgownsandpetticoatsintotheflames，andassumethegarb，
togetherwiththemanners，duties，offices，andresponsibilities，of
theoppositesex。
Whatfavorwasaccordedtothisscheme，Iamunabletosay；my
attentionbeingsuddenlydrawntoapoor，deceived，andhalf-delirious
girl，who，exclaimingthatshewasthemostworthlessthingaliveor
dead，attemptedtocastherselfintothefire，amidallthatwrecked
andbrokentrumperyoftheworld。Agoodman，however，rantoher
rescue。
“Patience，mypoorgirl！”saidhe，ashedrewherbackfromthe
fierceembraceofthedestroyingangel。“Bepatient，andabide
Heaven’swill。Solongasyoupossessalivingsoul，allmaybe
restoredtoitsfirstfreshness。Thesethingsofmatter，andcreations
ofhumanfantasy，arefitfornothingbuttobeburnt，whenonce
theyhavehadtheirday。Butyourdayiseternity！”
“Yes。”saidthewretchedgirl，whosefrenzyseemednowtohavesunk
downintodeepdespondency；“yes，andthesunshineisblottedoutof
it！”
Itwasnowrumoredamongthespectatorsthatalltheweaponsand
munitionsofwarweretobethrownintothebonfire，withthe
exceptionoftheworld’sstockofgunpowder，which，asthesafestmode
ofdisposingofit，hadalreadybeendrownedinthesea。This
intelligenceseemedtoawakengreatdiversityofopinion。The
hopefulphilanthropistesteemeditatokenthatthemillenniumwas
alreadycome；whilepersonsofanotherstamp，inwhoseviewmankind
wasabreedofbull-dogs，prophesiedthatalltheoldstoutness，
fervor，nobleness，generosity，andmagnanimityoftheracewould
disappear；thesequalities，astheyaffirmed，requiringbloodfor
theirnourishment。Theycomfortedthemselves，however，inthebelief
thattheproposedabolitionofwarwasimpracticable，foranylength
oftimetogether。
Bethatasitmight，numberlessgreatguns，whosethunderhad
longbeenthevoiceofbattle-theartilleryoftheArmada，the
battering-trainsofMarlborough，andtheadversecannonofNapoleon
andWellington-weretrundledintothemidstofthefire。Bythe
continualadditionofdrycombustibles，ithadnowwaxedsointense
thatneitherbrassnorironcouldwithstandit。Itwaswonderfulto
beholdhowtheseterribleinstrumentsofslaughtermeltedawaylike
playthingsofwax。Thenthearmiesoftheearthwheeledaroundthe
mightyfurnace，withtheirmilitarymusicplayingtriumphant
marches，andflungintheirmusketsandswords。The
standard-bearers，likewise，castonelookupwardattheirbanners，all
tatteredwithshot-holes，andinscribedwiththenamesofvictorious
fields，and，givingthemalastflourishonthebreeze，theylowered
themintotheflame，whichsnatchedthemupwardinitsrushtowardthe
clouds。Thisceremonybeingover，theworldwasleftwithouta
singleweapononinitshands，except，possibly，afewoldking’sarms
andrustyswords，andothertrophiesoftheRevolution，insomeofour
statearmories。Andnowthedrumswerebeatenandthetrumpets
brayedalltogether，asapreludetotheproclamationofuniversaland
eternalpeace，andtheannouncementthatglorywasnolongertobewon
byblood；butthatitwouldhenceforthbethecontentionofthe
humanracetoworkoutthegreatestmutualgood，andthatbeneficence，
inthefutureannalsoftheearth，wouldclaimthepraiseofvalor。
Theblessedtidingswereaccordinglypromulgated，andcaused
infiniterejoicingsamongthosewhohadstoodaghastatthehorrorand
absurdityofwar。
ButIsawagrimsmilepassoverthesearedvisageofastatelyold
commander-byhiswar-wornfigureandrichmilitarydress，hemight
havebeenoneofNapoleon’sfamousmarshals-who，withtherestofthe
world’ssoldiery，hadjustflungawaytheswordthathadbeenfamiliar
tohisrighthandforhalfacentury。
“Aye，aye！”grumbledhe。“Letthemproclaimwhattheyplease；
but，intheend，weshallfindthatallthisfooleryhasonlymade
moreworkforthearmorersandcannon-founders。”
“Why，sir。”exclaimedI，inastonishment，“doyouimaginethat
thehumanracewilleversofarreturnonthestepsofitspast
madnessastoweldanothersword，orcastanothercannon？”
“Therewillbenoneed。”observed，withasneer，onewhoneither
feltbenevolence，norhadfaithinit。“WhenCainwishedtoslayhis
brother，hewasatnolossforaweapon。”
“Weshallsee。”repliedtheveterancommander。“IfIammistaken，
somuchthebetter；butinmyopinion-withoutpretendingto
philosophizeaboutthematter-thenecessityofwarliesfardeeper
thanthesehonestgentlemensuppose。What！Isthereafieldforall
thepettydisputesofindividuals，andshalltherebenogreat
law-courtforthesettlementofnationaldifficulties？The
battle-fieldistheonlycourtwheresuchsuitscanbetried！”
“Youforget，general。”rejoinedI，“that，inthisadvancedstageof
civilization，ReasonandPhilanthropycombinedwillconstitutejust
suchatribunalasisrequisite。”
“Ah，Ihadforgottenthat，indeed！”saidtheoldwarrior，ashe
limpedaway。
Thefirewasnowtobereplenishedwithmaterialsthathadhitherto
beenconsideredofevengreaterimportancetothewell-beingof
society，thanthewarlikemunitionswhichwehadalreadyseen
consumed。Abodyofreformershadtravelledallovertheearth，in
questofthemachinerybywhichthedifferentnationswere
accustomedtoinflictthepunishmentofdeath。Ashudderpassed
throughthemultitude，astheseghastlyemblemsweredragged
forward。Eventheflamesseemedatfirsttoshrinkaway，displaying
theshapeandmurderouscontrivanceofeachinafullblazeof
light，which，ofitself，wassufficienttoconvincemankindofthe
longanddeadlyerrorofhumanlaw。Thoseoldimplementsofcruelty-
thosehorriblemonstersofmechanism-thoseinventionswhichitseemed
todemandsomethingworsethanman’snaturalhearttocontrive，and
whichhadlurkedintheduskynooksofancientprisons，thesubjectof
terror-strickenlegend-werenowbroughtforthtoview。Headsmen’s
axes，withtherustofnobleandroyalblooduponthem，andavast
collectionofhaltersthathadchokedthebreathofplebeian
victims，werethrownintogether。Ashoutgreetedthearrivalofthe
guillotine，whichwasthrustforwardonthesamewheelsthathadborne
itfromonetoanotheroftheblood-stainedstreetsofParis。But
theloudestroarofapplausewentup，tellingthedistantskyofthe
triumphoftheearth’sredemption，whenthegallowsmadeits
appearance。Anill-lookingfellow，however，rushedforward，and，
puttinghimselfinthepathofthereformers，bellowedhoarsely，and
foughtwithbrutefurytostaytheirprogress。
Itwaslittlematterofsurprise，perhaps，thattheexecutioner
shouldthusdohisbesttovindicateandupholdthemachinerybywhich
hehimselfhadhislivelihood，andworthierindividualstheirdeath。
Butitdeservedspecialnote，thatmenofafardifferentsphere-even
ofthatclassinwhoseguardianshiptheworldisapttotrustits
benevolence-werefoundtotakethehangman’sviewofthequestion。
“Stay，mybrethren！”criedoneofthem。“Youaremisledbya
falsephilanthropy！youknownotwhatyoudo。Thegallowsisa
Heaven-ordainedinstrument！Bearitback，then，reverently，andsetit
upinitsoldplace；elsetheworldwillfalltospeedyruinand
desolation！”
“Onward，onward！”shoutedaleaderinthereform。“Intothe
flameswiththeaccursedinstrumentofman’sbloodypolicy。Howcan
humanlawinculcatebenevolenceandlove，whileitpersistsinsetting
upthegallowsasitschiefsymbol！Oneheavemore，goodfriends，
andtheworldwillberedeemedfromitsgreatesterror！”
Athousandhands，that，nevertheless，loathedthetouch，nowlent
theirassistance，andthrusttheominousburthenfar，far，intothe
centreoftheragingfurnace。Thereitsfatalandabhorredimagewas
beheld，firstblack，thenaredcoal，thenashes。
“Thatwaswelldone！”exclaimedI。
“Yes，itwaswelldone。”replied-butwithlessenthusiasmthanI
expected-thethoughtfulobserverwhowasstillatmyside；“well
done，iftheworldbegoodenoughforthemeasure。Death，however，
isanideathatcannoteasilybedispensedwith，inanycondition
betweentheprimalinnocenceandthatotherpurityandperfection，
which，perchance，wearedestinedtoattainaftertravellingroundthe
fullcircle。But，atallevents，itiswellthattheexperimentshould
nowbetried。”
“Toocold！toocold！”impatientlyexclaimedtheyoungandardent
leaderinthistriumph。“Letthehearthaveitsvoicehere，aswellas
theintellect。Andasforripeness-andasforprogress-letmankind
alwaysdothehighest，kindest，noblestthingthat，atanygiven
period，ithasattainedtheperceptionof；andsurelythatthing
cannotbewrong，norwronglytimed。”