第23章
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  Theaffairwasimmenselyseriousandcommandingtome。Idon’trememberthatintheseearlierphasesIhadanythoughtofturningbackatall。ItwascleartomethatsheregardedmewithaneyeentirelymorecriticalthanIhadforher,thatshedidn’tlikemyscholarlyuntidiness,mywantofeventhemostcommonplacestyle。“Whydoyouwearcollarslikethat?”shesaid,andsentmeinpursuitofgentlemanlyneckwear。IrememberwhensheinvitedmealittleabruptlyonedaytocometoteaatherhomeonthefollowingSundayandmeetherfatherandmotherandaunt,thatIimmediatelydoubtedwhethermyhithertounsuspectedbestclotheswouldcreatetheimpressionshedesiredmetomakeonherbelongings。IputofftheencounteruntiltheSundayafter,togetmyselfinorder。IhadamorningcoatmadeandIboughtasilkhat,andhadmyrewardinthefirstglanceofadmirationsheevergaveme。Iwonderhowmanyofmysexareaspreposterous。Iwas,yousee,abandoningallmybeliefs,myconventionsunasked。Iwasforgettingmyselfimmensely。Andtherewasaconsciousshameinitall。Neveraword——didI

  breathetoEwart——toanylivingsoulofwhatwasgoingon。

  Herfatherandmotherandauntstruckmeasthedismalestofpeople,andherhomeinWalhamGreenwaschieflynotableforitsblackandambertapestrycarpetsandcurtainsandtable-cloths,andtheageandirrelevanceofitsbooks,mostlybookswithfadedgiltonthecovers。Thewindowswerefortifiedagainsttheintrusiveeyebycheaplacecurtainsandan“artpot“uponanunstableoctagonaltable。SeveralframedArtSchooldrawingsofMarion’s,bearingofficialSouthKensingtonmarksofapproval,adornedtheroom,andtherewasablackandgiltpianowithahymn-bookonthetopofit。Thereweredrapedmirrorsoverallthemantels,andabovethesideboardinthedining-roominwhichwesatatteawasaportraitofherfather,villainouslytruthfulafterthemannerofsuchworks。Icouldn’tseeatraceofthebeautyIfoundinherineitherparent,yetshesomehowcontrivedtobelikethemboth。

  ThesepeoplepretendedinawaythatremindedmeoftheThreeGreatWomeninmymother’sroom,buttheyhadnotnearlysomuchsocialknowledgeanddidnotdoitnearlysowell。Also,I

  remarked,theydiditwithaneyeonMarion。Theyhadwantedtothankme,theysaid,forthekindnesstotheirdaughterinthematterofthe’busfare,andsoaccountedforanythingunusualintheirinvitation。Theyposedassimplegentlefolk,alittlehostiletotherushandgadding-aboutofLondon,preferringasecludedandunpretentiousquiet。

  WhenMariongotoutthewhitetable-clothfromthesideboard-drawerfortea,acardbearingtheword“APARTMENTS“

  felltothefloor。IpickeditupandgaveittoherbeforeI

  realisedfromherquickenedcolourthatIshouldnothaveseenit;thatprobablyhadbeenremovedfromthewindowinhonourofmycoming。

  Herfatherspokeonceinalargeremotewayofheclaimsofbusinessengagements,anditwasonlylongafterwardsIrealisedthathewasasupernumeraryclerkintheWalhamGreenGasWorksandotherwiseausefulmanathome。Hewasalarge,loose,fattishmanwithunintelligentbrowneyesmagnifiedbyspectacles;heworeanill-fittingfrock-coatandapapercollar,andheshowedme,ashisgreattreasureandinterest,alargeBiblewhichhehadgrangerisedwithphotographsofpictures。

  Alsohecultivatedthelittlegarden-yardbehindthehouse,andhehadasmallgreenhousewithtomatoes。“IwishI’ad’eat。”hesaid。“Onecandosuchalotwith’eat。ButIsupposeyoucan’t’aveeverythingyouwantinthisworld。”

  BothheandMarion’smothertreatedherwithadeferencethatstruckmeasthemostnaturalthingintheworld。Herownmannerchanged,becamemoreauthoritativeandwatchful,hershynessdisappeared。ShehadtakenalineofherownIgathered,drapedthemirror,gotthesecond-handpiano,andbrokenherparentsin。

  Hermothermustoncehavebeenaprettywoman;shehadregularfeaturesandMarion’shairwithoutitslustre,butshewasthinandcareworn。Theaunt,MissRamboat,wasalarge,abnormallyshypersonverylikeherbrother,andIdon’trecallanythingshesaidonthisoccasion。

  Tobeginwiththerewasagooddealoftension,MarionwasfrightfullynervousandeveryonewasunderthenecessityofbehavinginamysteriouslyunrealfashionuntilIplunged,becametalkativeandmadeacertaineaseandinterest。Itoldthemoftheschools,ofmylodgings,ofWimblehurstandmyapprenticeshipdays。“There’salotofthisScienceaboutnowadays。”Mr。

  Ramboatreflected;“butIsometimeswonderabitwhatgooditis?”

  Iwasyoungenoughtobeledintowhathecalled“abitofadiscussion。”whichMariontruncatedbeforeourvoicesbecameundulyraised。“Idaresay,“shesaid,“there’smuchtobesaidonbothsides。”

  IrememberMarion’smotheraskedmewhatchurchIattended,andthatIrepliedevasively。Afterteatherewasmusicandwesanghymns。IdoubtedifIhadavoicewhenthiswasproposed,butthatwasheldtobeatrivialobjection,andIfoundsittingclosebesidethesweepofhairfromMarion’sbrowhadmanycompensations。Idiscoveredhermothersittinginthehorsehairarmchairandregardingussentimentally。IwentforawalkwithMariontowardsPutneyBridge,andthentherewasmoresingingandasupperofcoldbaconandpie,afterwhichMr。RamboatandI

  smoked。Duringthatwalk,Iremember,shetoldmetheimportofhersketchingsandcopyingsinthemuseum。AcousinofafriendofherswhomshespokeofasSmithie,haddevelopedanoriginalbusinessinasortoftea-gowngarmentwhichshecalledaPersianRobe,aplainsortofwrapwithagailyembroideredyoke,andMarionwentthereandworkedinthebusytimes。Inthetimesthatweren’tbusyshedesignednoveltiesinyokesbyanassiduoususeofeyesandnote-bookinthemuseum,andwenthomeandtracedoutthecapturedformsonthefoundationmaterial。“Idon’tgetmuch。”saidMarion,“butit’sinteresting,andinthebusytimesweworkallday。Ofcoursetheworkgirlsaredreadfullycommon,butwedon’tsaymuchtothem。AndSmithietalksenoughforten。”

  Iquiteunderstoodtheworkgirlsweredreadfullycommon。

  Idon’trememberthattheWalhamGreenmenageandthequalityofthesepeople,northelighttheythrewonMarion,detractedintheslightestdegreeatthattimefromtheintentresolvethatheldmetomakehermine。Ididn’tlikethem。ButItookthemaspartoftheaffair。Indeed,onthewhole,Ithinktheythrewherupbyaneffectofcontrast;shewassoobviouslycontrollingthem,soconsciouslysuperiortothem。

  MoreandmoreofmytimedidIgivetothispassionthatpossessedme。IbegantothinkchieflyofwaysofpleasingMarion,ofactsofdevotion,oftreats,ofsumptuouspresentsforher,ofappealsshewouldunderstand。Ifattimesshewasmanifestlyunintelligent,inherignorancebecameindisputable,I

  toldmyselfhersimpleinstinctswereworthalltheeducationandintelligenceintheworld。AndtothisdayIthinkIwasn’treallywrongabouther。Therewassomethingextraordinarilyfineabouther,somethingsimpleandhigh,thatflickeredinandoutofherignoranceandcommonnessandlimitationslikethetonguefromthemouthofasnake。

  OnenightIwasprivilegedtomeetherandbringherhomefromanentertainmentattheBirkbeckInstitute。Wecamebackontheundergroundrailwayandwetravelledfirst-class——thatbeingthehighestclassavailable。Wewerealoneinthecarriage,andforthefirsttimeIventuredtoputmyarmabouther。

  “Youmustn’t。”shesaidfeebly。

  “Iloveyou。”Iwhisperedsuddenlywithmyheartbeatingwildly,drewhertome,drewallherbeautytomeandkissedhercoolandunresistinglips。

  “Loveme?”shesaid,strugglingawayfromme,“Don’t!”andthen,asthetrainranintoastation,“Youmusttellnoone。I

  don’tknow。Youshouldn’thavedonethat。”

  Thentwootherpeoplegotinwithusandterminatedmywooingforatime。

  Whenwefoundourselvesalonetogether,walkingtowardsBattersea,shehaddecidedtobeoffended。Ipartedfromherunforgivenandterriblydistressed。

  Whenwemetagain,shetoldmeImustneversay“that“again。

  Ihaddreamtthattokissherlipswasultimatesatisfaction。

  Butitwasindeedonlythebeginningofdesires。Itoldhermyoneambitionwastomarryher。

  “But。”shesaid,“you’renotinaposition——What’sthegoodoftalkinglikethat?”

  Istaredather。“Imeanto。”Isaid。

  “Youcan’t。”sheanswered。“Itwillbeyears“

  “ButIloveyou。”Iinsisted。

  IstoodnotayardfromthesweetlipsIhadkissed;Istoodwithinarm’slengthoftheinanimatebeautyIdesiredtoquicken,andIsawopeningbetweenusagulfofyears,toil,waiting,disappointmentsandanimmenseuncertainty。

  “Iloveyou。”Isaid。“Don’tyouloveme?”

  Shelookedmeinthefacewithgraveirresponsiveeyes。

  “Idon’tknow。”shesaid。“ILIKEyou,ofcourse。Onehastobesensibl。”

  Icanremembernowmysenseoffrustrationbyherunresilientreply。Ishouldhaveperceivedthenthatforhermyardourhadnoquickeningfire。ButhowwasItoknow?Ihadletmyselfcometowanther,myimaginationendowedherwithinfinitepossibilities。Iwantedherandwantedher,stupidlyandinstinctively。

  “But。”Isaid“Love——!”

  “Onehastobesensible。”shereplied。“Ilikegoingaboutwithyou。Can’twekeepasweare?’“

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