第59章
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  `Neveragain,Helen?justwhenIloveyoumorethanever!’

  `Forthatveryreason,ifitbeso,weshouldnotmeetagain。

  Ithoughtthisinterviewwasnecessary——atleast,Ipersuadedmyselfitwasso——thatwemightseverallyaskandreceiveeachother’spardonforthepast;buttherecanbenoexcuseforanother。Ishallleavethisplace,assoonasIhavemeanstoseekanotherasylum;butourintercoursemustendhere。’

  `Endhere!’echoedI;andapproachingthehigh,carvedchimney-piece,Ileantmyhandagainstitsheavymouldings,anddroppedmyforeheaduponitinsilent,sullendespondency。

  `Youmustnotcomeagain,’continuedshe。Therewasaslighttremorinhervoice,butIthoughtherwholemannerwasprovokinglycomposed,consideringthedreadfulsentenceshepronounced。`YoumustknowwhyI

  tellyouso,’sheresumed;`andyoumustseethatitisbettertopartatonce:——ifitbehardtosayadieuforever,yououghttohelpme。’Shepaused。Ididnotanswer。`Willyoupromisenottocome?——Ifyouwon’t,andifyoudocomehereagain,youwilldrivemeawaybeforeIknowwheretofindanotherplaceofrefuge——orhowtoseekit。’

  `Helen,’saidI,turningimpatientlytowardsher,`Icannotdiscussthematterofeternalseparation,calmlyanddispassionatelyasyoucando。Itisnoquestionofmereexpediencewithme;itisaquestionoflifeanddeath!’

  Shewassilent。Herpalelipsquivered,andherfingerstrembledwithagitation,asshenervouslyentwinedtheminthehairchaintowhichwasappendedhersmallgoldwatch——theonlythingofvalueshehadpermittedherselftokeep。Ihadsaidanunjustandcruelthing;butImustneedsfollowitupwithsomethingworse。

  `ButHelen!’Ibeganinasoft,lowtone,notdaringtoraisemyeyestoherface——`thatmanisnotyourhusband:inthesightofHeavenhehasforfeitedallclaimto——’Sheseizedmyarmwithagraspofstartlingenergy。

  `Gilbert,don’t!’shecried,inatonethatwouldhavepiercedaheartofadamant。`ForGod’ssake,don’tyouattemptthesearguments!Nofiendcouldtorturemelikethis!’

  `Iwon’t,Iwon’t!’saidI,gentlylayingmyhandonhers;almostasmuchalarmedathervehemence,asashamedofmyownmisconduct。

  `Insteadofactinglikeatruefriend,’continuedshe,breakingfrommeandthrowingherselfintotheoldarmchair——`andhelpingmewithallyourmight——orrathertakingyourownpartinthestruggleofrightagainstpassion——youleavealltheburdentome;——andnotsatisfiedwiththat,youdoyourutmosttofightagainstme——whenyouknowthatI——’

  Shepaused,andhidherfaceinherhandkerchief。

  `Forgiveme,Helen!’pleadedI,`Iwillneverutteranotherwordonthesubject。Butmaywenotstillmeetasfriends?’

  `Itwillnotdo,’shereplied,mournfullyshakingherhead;andthensheraisedhereyestomine,withamildlyreproachfullookthatseemedtosay,`YoumustknowthataswellasI。’

  `Thenwhatmustwedo?’criedI,passionately。ButimmediatelyIaddedinaquietertone——`I’lldowhateveryoudesire;——onlydon’tsaythatthismeetingistobeourlast。’

  `Andwhynot?Don’tyouknowthateverytimewemeet,thethoughtsofthefinalpartingwillbecomemorepainful?Don’tyoufeelthateveryinterviewmakesusdearertoeachotherthanthelast?’

  Theutteranceofthislastquestionwashurriedandlow,andthedowncasteyesandburningblushtooplainlyshowedthatshe,atleast,hadfeltit。Itwasscarcelyprudenttomakesuchanadmission,ortoaddsshepresentlydid——`Ihavepowertobidyougo,now:anothertimeitmightbedifferent,’——butIwasnotbaseenoughtoattempttotakeadvantageofhercandour。

  `Butwemaywrite,’Itimidlysuggested——`Youwillnotdenymethatconsolation?’

  `Wecanhearofeachotherthroughmybrother。’

  `Yourbrother!’Apangofremorseandshameshotthroughme。Shehadnotheardoftheinjuryhehadsustainedatmyhands;andIhadnotthecouragetotellher。`Yourbrotherwillnothelpus,’Isaid:`hewouldhaveallcommunionbetweenustobeentirelyatanend。’

  `Andhewouldberight,Isuppose。Asafriendofboth,hewouldwishusbothwell;andeveryfriendwouldtellusitwasourinterest,aswellasourduty,toforgeteachother,thoughwemightnotseeitourselves。

  Butdon’tbeafraid,Gilbert,’sheadded,smilingsadlyatmymanifestdiscomposure,`thereislittlechanceofmyforgettingyou。ButIdidnotmeanthatFrederickshouldbethemeansoftransmittingmessagesbetweenus,onlythateachmightknow,throughhim,oftheother’swelfare;——andmorethanthisoughtnottobe;foryouareyoung,Gilbert,andyououghttomarry——andwillsometime,thoughyoumaythinkitimpossiblenow:——andthoughIhardlycansayIwishyoutoforgetme,Iknowitisrightthatyoushould,bothforyourownhappinessandthatofyourfuturewife;——andthereforeImustandwillwishit,’sheaddedresolutely。

  `Andyouareyoungtoo,Helen,’Iboldlyreplied,`andwhenthatprofligatescoundrelhasrunthroughhiscareer,youwillgiveyourhandtome——I’llwaittillthen。’

  Butshewouldnotleavemethissupport。Independentlyofthemoralevilofbasingourhopesuponthedeathofanother,who,ifunfitforthisworld,wasatleastnolesssoforthenext,andwhoseameliorationwouldthusbecomeourbaneandhisgreatesttransgressionourgreatestbenefit,——shemaintainedittobemadness:manymenofMr。Huntingdon’shabitshadlivedtoaripethoughmiserableoldage;——`andifI,’saidshe,`amyounginyearsIamoldinsorrow;buteveniftroubleshouldfailtokillmebeforevicedestroyshim,think,ifhereachedbutfiftyyearsorso,wouldyouwaittwentyorfifteen——invagueuncertaintyandsuspense——throughalltheprimeofyouthandmanhood——andmarryatlastawomanfadedandwornasIshallbe——withouteverhavingseenmefromthisdaytothat?——Youwouldnot,’shecontinued,interruptingmyearnestprotestationsofunfailingconstancy,——`orifyouwouldyoushouldnot。

  Trustme,Gilbert;inthismatterIknowbetterthanyou。Youthinkmecoldandstonyhearted,andyoumay,but——’

  `Idon’tHelen。’

  `Well,nevermind;youmightifyouwould——butIhavenotspentmysolitudeinutteridleness,andIamnotspeakingnowfromtheimpulseofthemomentasyoudo:Ihavethoughtofallthesemattersagainandagain;Ihavearguedthesequestionswithmyself,andponderedwellourpast,andpresent,andfuturecareer;and,believeme,Ihavecometotherightconclusionatlast。Trustmywordsratherthanyourownfeelings,now,andinafewyearsyouwillseethatIwasright——thoughatpresentIhardlycanseeitmyself,’shemurmuredwithasighassherestedherheadonherhand——`Anddon’targueagainstmeanymore:allyoucansayhasbeenalreadysaidbymyownheartandrefutedbymyreason。Itwashardenoughtocombatthosesuggestionsastheywerewhisperedwithinme;

  inyourmouththeyaretentimesworse,andifyouknewhowmuchtheypainmeyouwouldceaseatonce,Iknow。Ifyouknewmypresentfeelings,youwouldeventrytorelievethemattheexpenseofyourown。

  `Iwillgoonaminute,ifthatcanrelieveyou——andNEVER

  return!’saidIwithbitteremphasis——`But,ifwemaynevermeet,andneverhopetomeetagain,isitacrimetoexchangeourthoughtsbyletter?

  Maynotkindredspiritsmeet,andmingleincommunionwhateverbethefateandcircumstancesoftheirearthlytenements?’

  `Theymay,theymay!’criedshewithamomentaryburstofgladenthusiasm。`Ithoughtofthattoo,Gilbert,butIfearedtomentionit,becauseIfearedyouwouldnotunderstandmyviewsuponthesubject——I

  fearitevennow——Ifearanykindfriendwouldtelluswearebothdeludingourselveswiththeideaofkeepingupaspiritualintercoursewithouthopeorprospectofanythingfurther——withoutfosteringvainregretsandhurtfulaspirations,andfeedingthoughtsthatshouldbesternlyandpitilesslylefttoperishofinanition——’

  `Nevermindourkindfriends:iftheycanpartourbodies,itisenough;inGod’sname,letthemnotsunderoursouls!’criedI,interrorlestsheshoulddeemitherdutytodenyusthislastremainingconsolation。

  `Butnoletterscanpassbetweenushere,’saidshe,`withoutgivingfreshfoodforscandal;andwhenIdeparted,Ihadintendedthatmynewabodeshouldbeunknowntoyouastotherestoftheworld;notthatIshoulddoubtyourwordifyoupromisednottovisitme,butIthoughtyouwouldbemoretranquilinyourownmindifyouknewyoucouldnotdoit;andlikelytofindlessdifficultyinabstractingyourselffrommeifyoucouldnotpicturemysituationtoyourmind。Butlisten,’saidshe,smilinglyputtingupherfingertocheckmyimpatientreply:`insixmonthsyoushallhearfromFrederickpreciselywhereIam;andifyoustillretainyourwishtowritetome,andthinkyoucanmaintainacorrespondenceallthought,allspirit——suchasdisembodiedsoulsorunimpassionedfriends,atleast,mighthold,——write,andIwillansweryou。’

  `Sixmonths!’

  `Yes,togiveyourpresentardourtimetocoolandtrythetruthandconstancyofyoursoul’sloveformine。Andnow,enoughhasbeensaidbetweenus——Whycan’twepartatonce!’exclaimedshealmostwildly,afteramoment’spause,asshesuddenlyrosefromherchairwithherhandsresolutelyclaspedtogether。Ithoughtitwasmydutytogowithoutdelay;andIapproachedandhalfextendedmyhandasiftotakeleave;shegraspeditinsilence。

  Butthisthoughtoffinalseparationwastoointolerable:itseemedtosqueezethebloodoutofmyheart;andmyfeetweregluedtothefloor。

  `Andmustwenevermeetagain?’Imurmuredintheanguishofmysoul。

  `WeshallmeetinHeaven。Letusthinkofthat,’saidsheinatoneofdesperatecalmness;buthereyesglitteredwildly,andherfacewasdeadlypale。

  `Butnotaswearenow,Icouldnothelpreplying。`ItgivesmelittleconsolationtothinkIshallnextbeholdyouasadisembodiedspirit,oranalteredbeing,withaframeperfectandglorious,butnotlikethis!——andaheart,perhaps,entirelyestrangedfromme。

  `NoGilbert,thereisperfectloveinHeaven!’

  `Soperfect,Isuppose,thatitsoarsabovedistinctions,andyouwillhavenoclosersympathywithmethanwithanyoneofthetenthousandthousandangels’andtheinnumerablemultitudeofhappyspiritsroundus。’

  `WhateverIam,youwillbethesame,andtherefore,cannotpossiblyregretit;andwhateverthatchangemaybe,weknowitmustbeforthebetter。’

  `ButifIamtobesochangedthatIshallceasetoadoreyouwithmywholeheartandsoul,andloveyoubeyondeveryothercreature,Ishallnotbemyself,and,though,ifeverIwinHeavenatall,Imust,Iknow,beinfinitelybetterandhappierthanIamnow,myearthlynaturecannotrejoiceintheanticipationofsuchbeatitude,fromwhichitselfanditschiefjoymustbeexcluded。’

  `Isyourloveallearthlythen?’

  `No,butIamsupposingweshallhavenomoreintimatecommunionwitheachother,thanwiththerest。’

  `Ifso,itwillbebecausewelovethemmoreandnoteachotherless。Increaseoflovebringsincreaseofhappiness,whenitismutual,andpureasthatwillbe。’

  `Butcanyou,Helen,contemplatewithdelightthisprospectoflosingmeinaseaofglory?’

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