Ishalllookoutforasteward，mydear；Iwon’texposeyoutothetemptation。
Andasforthehouseholdmatters，Mrs。Greavesmustbeveryparticularinkeepingheraccounts：wemustgouponanentirelynewplan——
`Whatgreatdiscoveryhaveyoumadenow，Mr。Huntingdon？
HaveIattemptedtodefraudyou？’
`Notinmoneymatters，exactly，itseems，butit’sbesttokeepoutofthewayoftemptation。’
HereBensonenteredwiththecandles，andtherefollowedabriefintervalofsilence——Isittingstillinmychair，andhestandingwithhisbacktothefire，silentlytriumphinginmydespair。
`Andso，’saidheatlength，`youthoughttodisgraceme，didyou，byrunningawayandturningartist，andsupportingyourselfbythelabourofyourhands，forsooth？Andyouthoughttorobmeofmysontoo，andbringhimuptobeadirtyYankeetradesman，oralow，beggarlypainter？’
`Yes，toobviatehisbecomingsuchagentlemanashisfather。’
`It’swellyoucouldn’tkeepyourownsecret——ha，ha！It’swellthesewomenmustbeblabbing——iftheyhaven’tafriendtotalkto，theymustwhispertheirsecretstothefishes，orwritethemonthesandorsomething；andit’swelltooIwasn’toverfullto-night，nowIthinkofit，orImighthavesnoosedawayandneverdreamtoflookingwhatmysweetladywasabout——orImighthavelackedthesenseorthepowertocarrymypointlikeaman，asIhavedone。’
Leavinghimtohisself-congratulations，Irosetosecuremymanuscript，forInowrememberedithadbeenleftuponthedrawing-roomtable，andIdetermined，ifpossible，tosavemyselfthehumiliationofseeingitinhishandsagain。Icouldnotbeartheideaofhisamusinghimselfovermysecretthoughtsandrecollections；though，tobesure，hewouldfindlittlegoodofhimselfthereinindited，exceptintheformerpart——andoh，IwouldsoonerburnitallthanheshouldreadwhatIhadwrittenwhenIwassuchafoolastolovehim！
`Andbytheby，’criedheasIwasleavingtheroom，`you’dbettertellthatd——doldsneakofanursetokeepoutofmywayforadayortwo——I’dpayherherwagesandsendherpackingto-morrow，butIknowshe’ddomoremischiefoutofthehousethaninit。’
AndasIdeparted，hewentoncursingandabusingmyfaithfulfriendandservantwithepithetsIwillnotdefilethispaperwithrepeating。
IwenttoherassoonasIhadputawaymybook，andtoldherhowourprojectwasdefeated。ShewasasmuchdistressedandhorrifiedasIwas——andmoresothanIwasthatnight，forIwaspartlystunnedbytheblow，andpartlyexcitedandsupportedagainstitbythebitternessofmywrath。Butinthemorning，whenIwokewithoutthatcheeringhopethathadbeenmysecretcomfortandsupportsolong，andallthisday，whenIhavewanderedaboutrestlessandobjectless，shunningmyhusband，shrinkingevenfrommychild——knowingthatIamunfittobehisteacherorcompanion，hopingnothingforhisfuturelife，andferventlywishinghehadneverbeenborn——Ifeltthefullextentofmycalamity——andIfeelitnow。Iknowthatdayafterdaysuchfeelingswillreturnuponme：Iamaslave，aprisoner——butthatisnothing；
ifitweremyselfalone，Iwouldnotcomplain，butIamforbiddentorescuemysonfromruin，andwhatwasoncemyonlyconsolation，isbecomethecrowningsourceofmydespair。
HaveInofaithinGod？ItrytolooktoHimandraisemyhearttoHeaven，butitwillcleavetothedust：’Icanonlysay——`Hehathhedgedmeabout，thatIcannotgetout：Hehathmademychainheavy。Hehathfilledmewithbitterness，Hehathmademedrunkenwithwormwood：’——Iforgettoadd——`ButthoughHecausegrief，yetwillHehavecompassionaccordingtothemultitudeofHismercies。ForHedothnotafflictwillinglynorgrievethechildrenofmen。”Ioughttothinkofthis；andiftherebenothingbutsorrowformeinthisworld，whatisthelongestlifeofmiserytoawholeeternityofpeace？AndformylittleArthur——hashenofriendbutme？Whowasitsaid，`ItisnotthewillofyourFatherwhichisinHeaventhatoneoftheselittleonesshouldperish？”
TheTenantofWildfellHall：Chapter41CHAPTERXLIHOPESPRINGSETERNALINTHEHUMANBREASTMarch20th——HavingnowgotridofMr。Huntingdonforaseason，myspiritsbegintorevive。HeleftmeearlyinFebruary；andthemomenthewasgone，Ibreathedagain，andfeltmyvitalenergyreturn；notwiththehopeofescape——hehastakencaretoleavemenovisiblechanceofthat——butwithadeterminationtomakethebestofexistingcircumstances。HerewasArthurlefttomeatlast；androusingfrommydespondentapathy，Iexertedallmypowerstoeradicatetheweedsthathadbeenfosteredinhisinfantmind，andsowagainthegoodseedtheyhadrenderedunproductive。ThankHeaven，itisnotabarrenorastonysoil；ifweedsspringfastthere，sodobetterplants。Hisapprehensionsaremorequick，hisheartmoreoverflowingwithaffectionthaneverhisfather’scouldhavebeen；anditisnohopelesstasktobendhimtoobedienceandwinhimtoloveandknowhisowntruefriend，aslongasthereisnoonetocounteractmyefforts。
Ihadmuchtroubleatfirstinbreakinghimofthoseevilhabitshisfatherhadtaughthimtoacquire，butalreadythatdifficultyisnearlyvanquishednow：badlanguageseldomdefileshismouth，andIhavesucceededingivinghimanabsolutedisgustforallintoxicatingliquors，whichI
hopenotevenhisfatherorhisfather’sfriendswillbeabletoovercome。
Hewasinordinatelyfondofthemforsoyoungacreature，and，rememberingmyunfortunatefatheraswellashis，Idreadedtheconsequencesofsuchataste。ButifIhadstintedhiminhisusualquantityofwineorforbiddenhimtotasteitaltogether，thatwouldonlyhaveincreasedhispartialityforit，andmadehimregarditasagreatertreatthanever。Ithereforegavehimquiteasmuchashisfatherwasaccustomedtoallowhim——asmuchindeed，ashedesiredtohave，butintoeveryglassIsurreptitiouslyintroducedasmallquantityoftartar-emetic——justenoughtoproduceinevitablenauseaanddepressionwithoutpositivesickness。Findingsuchdisagreeableconsequencesinvariablytoresultfromthisindulgence，hesoongrewwearyofit，butthemoreheshrankfromthedailytreatthemoreIpressedituponhim，tillhisreluctancewasstrengthenedtoperfectabhorrence。Whenhewasthoroughlydisgustedwitheverykindofwine，Iallowedhim，athisownrequest，totrybrandyandwaterandthenginandwater；forthelittletoperwasfamiliarwiththemall，andIwasdeterminedthatallshouldbeequallyhatefultohim。ThisIhavenoweffected；andsincehedeclaresthatthetaste，thesmell，thesightofanyoneofthemissufficienttomakehimsick，Ihavegivenupteazinghimaboutthem，exceptnowandthenasobjectsofterrorincasesofmisbehaviour：`Arthur，ifyou’renotagoodboyIshallgiveyouaglassofwine，’or`NowArthur，ifyousaythatagainyoushallhavesomebrandyandwater，’isasgoodasanyotherthreat；and，onceortwice，whenhewassick，Ihaveobligedthepoorchildtoswallowalittlewineandwaterwithoutthetartar-emetic，bywayofmedicine；andthispracticeIintendtocontinueforsometimetocome；notthatIthinkitofanyrealserviceinaphysicalsense，butbecauseIamdeterminedtoenlistallthepowersofassociationinmyservice：
Iwishthisaversiontobesodeeplygroundedinhisnaturethatnothinginafterlifemaybeabletoovercomeit。
Thus，Iflattermyself，Ishallsecurehimfromthisonevice；
andfortherest，ifonhisfather’sreturnIfindreasontoapprehendthatmygoodlessonswillbealldestroyed——ifMr。Huntingdoncommenceagainthegameofteachingthechildtohateanddespisehismotherandemulatehisfather’swickedness，Iwillyetdelivermysonfromhishands。
Ihavedevisedanotherschemethatmightberesortedtoinsuchacase，andifIcouldbutobtainmybrother’sconsentandassistance，Ishouldnotdoubtofitssuccess。TheoldHallwhereheandIwerebornandwhereourmotherdied，isnotnowinhabited，noryetquitesunkintodecay，asIbelieve。NowifIcouldpersuadehimtohaveoneortworoomsmadehabitableandtoletthemtomeasastranger，Imightlivethere，withmychild，underanassumedname，andstillsupportmyselfbymyfavouriteart。Heshouldlendmethemoneytobeginwith，andIwouldpayhimback，andliveinlowlyindependenceandstrictseclusion，forthehousestandsinalonelyplace，andtheneighbourhoodisthinlyinhabited，andhehimselfshouldnegotiatethesaleofmypicturesforme。Ihavearrangedthewholeplaninmyhead；andallIwant，istopersuadeFredericktobeofthesamemindasmyself。Heiscomingtoseemesoon，andthenIwillmaketheproposaltohim，havingfirstenlightenedhimuponmycircumstancessufficientlytoexcusetheproject。
Already，Ibelieve，heknowsmuchmoreofmysituationthanI
havetoldhim。Icantellthisbytheairoftendersadnesspervadinghisletters；andbythefactofhissoseldommentioningmyhusband，andgenerallyevincingakindofcovertbitternesswhenhedoesrefertohim；aswellasbythecircumstancesofhisnevercomingtoseemewhenMr。Huntingdonisathome。Buthehasneveropenlyexpressedanydisapprobationofhimorsympathyforme；hehasneveraskedanyquestions，orsaidanythingtoinvitemyconfidence。Hadhedoneso，Ishouldprobablyhavehadbutfewconcealmentsfromhim。Perhaps，hefeelshurtatmyreserve。Heisastrangebeing——Iwishwekneweachotherbetter。HeusedtospendamonthatStaningleyeveryyear，beforeIwasmarried；but，sinceourfather’sdeath，Ihaveonlyseenhimonce，whenhecameforafewdayswhileMr。
Huntingdonwasaway。Heshallstaymanydaysthistime，andthereshallbemorecandourandcordialitybetweenusthanevertherewasbefore，sinceourearlychildhood：myheartclingstohimmorethanever；andmysoulissickofsolitude。
April16th——Heiscomeandgone。Hewouldnotstayaboveafortnight。
Thetimepassedquickly，butvery，veryhappily，andithasdonemegood。
Imusthaveabaddisposition，formymisfortuneshavesouredandembitteredmeexceedingly：Iwasbeginninginsensiblytocherishveryunamiablefeelingsagainstmyfellowmortals——themalepartofthemespecially；butitisacomforttoseethereisatleastoneamongthemworthytobetrustedandesteemed；anddoubtlesstherearemore，thoughIhaveneverknownthem——unlessIexceptpoorLordLowborough，andhewasbadenoughinhisday；butwhatwouldFrederickhavebeen，ifhehadlivedintheworld，andmingledfromhischildhoodwithsuchmenastheseofmyacquaintance？andwhatwillArthurbe，withallhisnaturalsweetnessofdisposition，ifIdonotsavehimfromthatworldandthosecompanions？ImentionedmyfearstoFrederickandintroducedthesubjectofmyplanofrescueontheeveningafterhisarrival，whenIpresentedmylittlesontohisuncle。
`Heislikeyou，Frederick，’saidI，`insomeofhismoods：I
sometimesthinkheresemblesyoumorethanhisfather；andIamgladofit。’
`Youflatterme，Helen，’repliedhe，strokingthechild’ssoft，wavylocks。
`No，——youwillthinkitnocomplimentwhenItellyouIwouldratherhavehimtoresembleBensonthanhisfather。’
Heslightlyelevatedhiseyebrows，butsaidnothing。
`DoyouknowwhatsortofmanMr。Huntingdonis？’saidI。
`IthinkIhaveanidea。’
`Haveyousoclearanideathatyoucanhear，withoutsurpriseordisapproval，thatImeditateescapingwiththatchildtosomesecretasylumwherewecanliveinpeaceandneverseehimagain？’
`Isitreallyso？’
`Ifyouhavenot，’continuedI，`I’lltellyousomethingmoreabouthim’andIgaveasketchofhisgeneralconduct，andamoreparticularaccountofhisbehaviourwithregardtohischild，andexplainedmyapprehensionsonthelatter’saccount，andmydeterminationtodeliverhimfromhisfather’sinfluence。
FrederickwasexceedinglyindignantagainstMr。Huntingdon，andverymuchgrievedforme；butstill，helookeduponmyprojectaswildandimpracticable；hedeemedmyfearsforArthurdisproportionedtothecircumstances，andopposedsomanyobjectionstomyplan，anddevisedsomanymildermethodsforamelioratingmycondition，thatIwasobligedtoenterintofurtherdetailstoconvincehimthatmyhusbandwasutterlyincorrigible，andthatnothingcouldpersuadehimtogiveuphissonwhateverbecameofme，hebeingasfullydeterminedthechildshouldnotleavehim，asIwasnottoleavethechild；andthat，infact，nothingwouldanswerbutthis，unlessIfledthecountryasIhadintendedbefore。Toobviatethat，heatlengthconsentedtohaveonewingoftheoldHallputintoahabitablecondition，asaplaceofrefugeagainstatimeofneed；buthopedIwouldnottakeadvantageofit，unlesscircumstancesshouldrenderitreallynecessary，whichIwasreadyenoughtopromise；for，though，formyownsake，suchahermitageappearslikeparadiseitselfcomparedwithmypresentsituation，yetformyfriends’sakes——forMilicentandEsther，mysistersinheartandaffection，forthepoortenantsofGrassdale，andaboveallformyaunt——IwillstayifIpossiblycan。
July29th——Mrs。HargraveandherdaughterarecomebackfromLondon。Estherisfullofherfirstseasonintown；butsheisstillheart-wholeandunengaged。Hermothersoughtoutanexcellentmatchforher，andevenbroughtthegentlemantolayhisheartandfortuneatherfeet；butEstherhadtheaudacitytorefusethenoblegifts。Hewasamanofgoodfamilyandlargepossessions，butthenaughtygirlmaintainedhewasoldasAdam，uglyassin，andhatefulasonewhoshallbenameless。