第42章
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  “Bellairs?”herepeated。“Notinthesaloon,Iamsure。Hemaybeinthesecondclass。Thelistsarenotmadeout,but——Hullo!

  ’HarryD。Bellairs?’Thatthename?He’sthererightenough。”

  AndthenextmorningIsawhimontheforwarddeck,sittinginachair,abookinhishand,ashabbypumaskinrugabouthisknees:thepictureofrespectabledecay。Offandon,Ikepthiminmyeye。Hereadagooddeal,hestoodandlookeduponthesea,hetalkedoccasionallywithhisneighbours,andoncewhenachildfellhepickeditupandsoothedit。Idamnedhiminmyheart;thebook,whichIwassurehedidnotread——thesea,towhichIwasreadytotakeoathhewasindifferent——thechild,whomIwascertainhewouldaslievehavetossedoverboard——allseemedtomeelementsinatheatricalperformance;andI

  madenodoubthewasalreadynosingafterthesecretsofhisfellow-passengers。Itooknopainstoconcealmyself,myscornforthecreaturebeingasstrongasmydisgust。Butheneverlookedmyway,anditwasnightbeforeIlearnedhehadobservedme。

  Iwassmokingbytheengine-roomdoor,fortheairwasalittlesharp,whenavoiceroseclosebesidemeinthedarkness。

  “Ibegyourpardon,Mr。Dodd。”itsaid。

  “Thatyou,Bellairs?”Ireplied。

  “Asingleword,sir。Yourpresenceonthisshiphasnoconnectionwithourinterview?”heasked。“Youhavenoidea,Mr。Dodd,ofreturninguponyourdetermination?”

  “None。”saidI;andthen,seeinghestilllingered,Iwaspoliteenoughtoadd“Goodevening;“atwhichhesighedandwentaway。

  Thenextday,hewasthereagainwiththechairandthepumaskin;readhisbookandlookedattheseawiththesameconstancy;andthoughtherewasnochildtobepickedup,I

  observedhimtoattendrepeatedlyonasickwoman。Nothingfosterssuspicionliketheactofwatching;amanspieduponcanhardlyblowhisnosebutweaccusehimofdesigns;andI

  tookanearlyopportunitytogoforwardandseethewomanformyself。Shewaspoor,elderly,andpainfullyplain;Istoodabashedatthesight,feltIowedBellairsamendsfortheinjusticeofmythoughts,andseeinghimstandingbytherailinhisusualattitudeofcontemplation,walkedupandaddressedhimbyname。

  “Youseemveryfondofthesea。”saidI。

  “Imayreallycallitapassion,Mr。Dodd。”hereplied。“Andthetallcataracthauntedmelikeapassion。”hequoted。“Ineverwearyofthesea,sir。Thisismyfirstoceanvoyage。Ifinditagloriousexperience。”Andoncemoremydisbarredlawyerdroppedintopoetry:“Rollon,thoudeepanddarkblueocean,roll!”

  ThoughIhadlearnedthepieceinmyreading-bookatschool,I

  cameintotheworldalittletoolateontheonehand——andI

  daresayalittletooearlyontheother——tothinkmuchofByron;

  andthesonorousverse,prodigiouslywelldelivered,struckmewithsurprise。

  “Youarefondofpoetry,too?”Iasked。

  “Iamagreatreader。”hereplied。“AtonetimeIhadbeguntoamassquiteasmallbutwellselectedlibrary;andwhenthatwasscattered,Istillmanagedtopreserveafewvolumes——

  chieflyofpiecesdesignedforrecitation——whichhavebeenmytravellingcompanions。”

  “Isthatoneofthem?”Iasked,pointingtothevolumeinhishand。

  “No,sir。”hereplied,showingmeatranslationofthe_SorrowsofWerther_,“thatisanovelIpickedupsometimeago。Ithasaffordedmegreatpleasure,thoughimmoral。”

  “O,immoral!”criedI,indignantasusualatanycomplicationofartandethics。

  “Surelyyoucannotdenythat,sir——ifyouknowthebook。”hesaid。“Thepassionisillicit,althoughcertainlydrawnwithagooddealofpathos。Itisnotaworkonecouldpossiblyputintothehandsofalady;whichistoberegrettedonallaccounts,forIdonotknowhowitmaystrikeyou;butitseemstome——asadepiction,ifImakemyselfclear——torisehighaboveitscompeers——evenfamouscompeers。EveninScott,Dickens,Thackeray,orHawthorne,thesentimentofloveappearstometobefrequentlydonelessjusticeto。”

  “Youareexpressingaverygeneralopinion。”saidI。

  “Isthatso,indeed,sir?”heexclaimed,withunmistakableexcitement。“Isthebookwellknown?andwhowasGO-EATH?Iaminterestedinthat,becauseuponthetitle-pagetheusualinitialsareomitted,anditrunssimply’byGO-EATH。’Washeanauthorofdistinction?Hashewrittenotherworks?”

  Suchwasourfirstinterview,thefirstofmany;andinallheshowedthesameattractivequalitiesanddefects。Histasteforliteraturewasnativeandunaffected;hissentimentality,althoughextremeandathoughtridiculous,wasplainlygenuine。Iwonderedatmyowninnocentwonder。IknewthatHomernodded,thatCaesarhadcompiledajest-book,thatTurnerlivedbypreferencethelifeofPuggyBooth,thatShelleymadepaperboats,andWordsworthworegreenspectacles!andwithallthismassofevidencebeforeme,IhadexpectedBellairstobeentirelyofonepiece,subduedtowhatheworkedin,aspyallthrough。AsIabominatedtheman’strade,soIhadexpectedtodetestthemanhimself;andbehold,Ilikedhim。

  Poordevil!hewasessentiallyamanonwires,allsensibilityandtremor,brimfulofacheappoetry,notwithoutparts,quitewithoutcourage。Hisboldnesswasdespair;thegulfbehindhimthrusthimon;hewasoneofthosewhomightcommitamurderratherthanconfessthetheftofapostage-stamp。IwassurethathiscominginterviewwithCarthewrodehisimaginationlikeanightmare;whenthethoughtcrossedhismind,IusedtothinkIknewofit,andthatthequalmappearedinhisfacevisibly。Yethewouldneverflinch:necessitystalkingathisback,faminehisoldpursuertalkinginhisear;

  andIusedtowonderwhetherImostadmired,ormostdespised,thisquiveringheroismforevil。Theimagethatoccurredtomeafterhisvisitwasjust;Ihadbeenbuttedbyalamb;andthephaseoflifethatIwasnowstudyingmightbecalledtheRevoltofaSheep。

  Itcouldbesaidofhimthathehadlearnedinsorrowwhathetaughtinsong——orwrong;andhislifewasthatofoneofhisvictims。HewasborninthebackpartsoftheStateofNewYork;hisfatherafarmer,whobecamesubsequentlybankruptandwentWest。Thelawyerandmoney-lenderwhohadruinedthispoorfamilyseemstohaveconceivedintheendafeelingofremorse;heturnedthefatheroutindeed,butheoffered,incompensation,tochargehimselfwithoneofthesons:andHarry,thefifthchildandalreadysickly,waschosentobeleftbehind。Hemadehimselfusefulintheoffice;pickedupthescatteredrudimentsofaneducation;readrightandleft;

  attendedanddebatedattheYoungMen’sChristianAssociation;andinallhisearlyyears,wasthemodelforagoodstory-book。Hislandlady’sdaughterwashisbane。Heshowedmeherphotograph;shewasabig,handsome,dashing,dressy,vulgarhussy,withoutcharacter,withouttenderness,withoutmind,andastheresultprovedwithoutvirtue。Thesicklyandtimidboywasinthehouse;hewashandy;whenshewasotherwiseunoccupied,sheusedandplayedwithhim:

  RomeoandCressida;tillinthatdrearylifeofapoorboyinacountrytown,shegrewtobethelightofhisdaysandthesubjectofhisdreams。Heworkedhard,likeJacob,forawife;

  hesurpassedhispatroninsharppractice;hewasmadeheadclerk;andthesamenight,encouragedbyahundredfreedoms,depressedbythesenseofhisyouthandhisinfirmities,heofferedmarriageandwasreceivedwithlaughter。Notayearhadpassed,beforehismaster,consciousofgrowinginfirmities,tookhimforapartner;heproposedagain;hewasaccepted;ledtwoyearsoftroubledmarriedlife;andawokeonemorningtofindhiswifehadrunawaywithadashingdrummer,andhadlefthimheavilyindebt。Thedebt,andnotthedrummer,wassupposedtobethecauseofthehegira;shehadconcealedherliabilities,theywereonthepointofburstingforth,shewaswearyofBellairs;andshetookthedrummerasshemighthavetakenacab。Theblowdisabledherhusband,hispartnerwasdead;hewasnowaloneinthebusiness,forwhichhewasnolongerfit;thedebtshamperedhim;bankruptcyfollowed;andhefledfromcitytocity,fallingdailyintolowerpractice。Itistobeconsideredthathehadbeentaught,andhadlearnedasadelightfulduty,akindofbusinesswhosehighestmeritistoescapethecommentariesofthebench:thatoftheusuriouslawyerinacountytown。Withthistraining,hewasnowshot,apennilessstranger,intothedeepergulfsofcities;andtheresultisscarceathingtobesurprisedat。

  “Haveyouheardofyourwifeagain?”Iasked。

  Hedisplayedapitifulagitation。“Iamafraidyouwillthinkillofme。”hesaid。

  “Haveyoutakenherback?”Iasked。

  “No,sir。ItrustIhavetoomuchself-respect。”heanswered,“and,atleast,Iwasnevertempted。Shewon’tcome,shedislikes,sheseemstohaveconceivedapositivedistasteforme,andyetIwasconsideredanindulgenthusband。”

  “Youarestillinrelations,then?”Iasked。

  “Iplacemyselfinyourhands,Mr。Dodd。”hereplied。“Theworldisveryhard;Ihavefounditbitterhardmyself——bitterhardtolive。Howmuchworseforawoman,andonewhohasplacedherselfbyherownmisconduct,Iamfarfromdenyingthatinsounfortunateaposition!”

  “Inshort,yousupporther?”Isuggested。

  “Icannotdenyit。Ipracticallydo。”headmitted。“Ithasbeenamill-stoneroundmyneck。ButIthinksheisgrateful。Youcanseeforyourself。”

  Hehandedmealetterinasprawling,ignoranthand,butwrittenwithvioletinkonfine,pinkpaperwithamonogram。Itwasveryfoolishlyexpressed,andIthoughtexceptforafewobviouscajoleriesveryheartlessandgreedyinmeaning。Thewritersaidshehadbeensick,whichIdisbelieved;declaredthelastremittancewasallgoneindoctor’sbills,forwhichItookthelibertyofsubstitutingdress,drink,andmonograms;andprayedforanincrease,whichIcouldonlyhopehadbeendeniedher。

  “Ithinksheisreallygrateful?”heasked,withsomeeagerness,asIreturnedit。

  “Idaresay。”saidI。“Hassheanyclaimonyou?”

  “Ono,sir。Idivorcedher。”hereplied。“Ihaveaverystrongsenseofself-respectinsuchmatters,andIdivorcedherimmediately。”

  “Whatsortoflifeissheleadingnow?”Iasked。

  “Iwillnotdeceiveyou,Mr。Dodd。Idonotknow,Imakeapointofnotknowing;itappearsmoredignified。Ihavebeenveryharshlycriticised。”headded,sighing。

  ItwillbeseenthatIhadfallenintoanignominiousintimacywiththemanIhadgoneouttothwart。Mypityforthecreature,hisadmirationformyself,hispleasureinmysociety,whichwasclearlyunassumed,werethebondswithwhichI

  wasfettered;perhapsIshouldadd,inhonesty,myownill-

  regulatedinterestinthephasesoflifeandhumancharacter。

  Thefactisatleastthatwespenthourstogetherdaily,andthatIwasnearlyasmuchontheforwarddeckasinthesaloon。YetallthewhileIcouldneverforgethewasashabbytrickster,embarkedthatverymomentinadirtyenterprise。Iusedtotellmyselfatfirstthatouracquaintancewasastrokeofart,andthatIwassomehowfortifyingCarthew。Itoldmyself,Isay;

  butIwasnosuchfoolastobelieveit,eventhen。InthesecircumstancesIdisplayedthetwochiefqualitiesofmycharacteronthelargestscale——myhelplessnessandmyinstinctiveloveofprocrastination——andfelluponacourseofactionsoridiculousthatIblushwhenIrecallit。

  WereachedLiverpooloneforenoon,therainfallingthicklyandinsidiouslyonthefilthytown。Ihadnoplans,beyondasensibleunwillingnesstoletmyrascalescape;andIendedbygoingtothesameinnwithhim,diningwithhim,walkingwithhiminthewetstreets,andhearingwithhiminapennygaffthatvenerablepiece,_TheTicket-of-LeaveMan_。Itwasoneofhisfirstvisitstoatheatre,againstwhichplacesofentertainmenthehadastrongprejudice;andhisinnocent,pompoustalk,innocentoldquotations,andinnocentreverenceforthecharacterofHawkshawdelightedmebeyondrelief。Incharitytomyself,Idwelluponandperhapsexaggeratemypleasures。Ihaveneedofallconceivableexcuses,whenI

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