Therewouldhoweverbearadicalerrorinattributingthisinstantaneoustransitionoffeelinginthephilosopher，toanyoneofthosecauseswhichmightnaturallybesupposedtohavehadaninfluence。
Indeed，PierreBon-Bon，fromwhatIhavebeenabletounderstandofhisdisposition，wasofallmentheleastlikelytobeimposeduponbyanyspeciousnessofexteriordeportment。Itwasimpossiblethatsoaccurateanobserverofmenandthingsshouldhavefailedtodiscover，uponthemoment，therealcharacterofthepersonagewhohadthusintrudeduponhishospitality。Tosaynomore，theconformationofhisvisiter’sfeetwassufficientlyremarkable-hemaintainedlightlyuponhisheadaninordinatelytallhat-therewasatremulousswellingaboutthehinderpartofhisbreeches-andthevibrationofhiscoattailwasapalpablefact。Judge，then，withwhatfeelingsofsatisfactionourherofoundhimselfthrownthusatonceintothesocietyofapersonforwhomhehadatalltimesentertainedthemostunqualifiedrespect。Hewas，however，toomuchofthediplomatisttoletescapehimanyintimationofhissuspicionsinregardtothetruestateofaffairs。Itwasnothiscuetoappearatallconsciousofthehighhonorhethusunexpectedlyenjoyed；
but，byleadinghisguestintotheconversation，toelicitsomeimportantethicalideas，whichmight，inobtainingaplaceinhiscontemplatedpublication，enlightenthehumanrace，andatthesametimeimmortalizehimself-ideaswhich，Ishouldhaveadded，hisvisitor’sgreatage，andwell-knownproficiencyinthescienceofmorals，mightverywellhaveenabledhimtoafford。
Actuatedbytheseenlightenedviews，ourherobadethegentlemansitdown，whilehehimselftookoccasiontothrowsomefagotsuponthefire，andplaceuponthenowre-establishedtablesomebottlesofMousseux。
Havingquicklycompletedtheseoperations，hedrewhischairvis-a-vistohiscompanion’s，andwaiteduntilthelattershouldopentheconversation。
Butplanseventhemostskilfullymaturedareoftenthwartedintheoutsetoftheirapplication-andtherestaurateurfoundhimselfnonplussedbytheveryfirstwordsofhisvisiter’sspeech。
“Iseeyouknowme，Bon-Bon。”saidhe；“ha！ha！ha！-he！he！he！-
hi！hi！hi！-ho！ho！ho！-hu！hu！hu！”-andthedevil，droppingatoncethesanctityofhisdemeanor，openedtoitsfullestextentamouthfromeartoear，soastodisplayasetofjaggedandfang-liketeeth，and，throwingbackhishead，laughedlong，loudly，wickedly，anduproariously，whiletheblackdog，crouchingdownuponhishaunches，joinedlustilyinthechorus，andthetabbycat，flyingoffatatangent，stooduponend，andshriekedinthefarthestcorneroftheapartment。
Notsothephilosopher；hewastoomuchamanoftheworldeithertolaughlikethedog，orbyshriekstobetraytheindecoroustrepidationofthecat。Itmustbeconfessed，hefeltalittleastonishmenttoseethewhiteletterswhichformedthewords“RituelCatholique“onthebookinhisguest’spocket，momentlychangingboththeircolorandtheirimport，andinafewseconds，inplaceoftheoriginaltitlethewordsRegitredesCondamnesblazedforthincharactersofred。Thisstartlingcircumstance，whenBon-Bonrepliedtohisvisiter’sremark，impartedtohismanneranairofembarrassmentwhichprobablymight，nototherwisehavebeenobserved。
“Whysir。”saidthephilosopher，“whysir，tospeaksincerely-II
imagine-Ihavesomefaint-someveryfaintidea-oftheremarkablehonor-“
“Oh！-ah！-yes！-verywell！”interruptedhisMajesty；“saynomore-Iseehowitis。”Andhereupon，takingoffhisgreenspectacles，hewipedtheglassescarefullywiththesleeveofhiscoat，anddepositedtheminhispocket。
IfBon-Bonhadbeenastonishedattheincidentofthebook，hisamazementwasnowmuchincreasedbythespectaclewhichherepresenteditselftoview。Inraisinghiseyes，withastrongfeelingofcuriositytoascertainthecolorofhisguest’s，hefoundthembynomeansblack，ashehadanticipated-norgray，asmighthavebeenimagined-noryethazelnorblue-norindeedyellownorred-norpurple-norwhite-norgreen-noranyothercolorintheheavensabove，orintheearthbeneath，orinthewatersundertheearth。Inshort，PierreBon-BonnotonlysawplainlythathisMajestyhadnoeyeswhatsoever，butcoulddiscovernoindicationsoftheirhavingexistedatanypreviousperiod-forthespacewhereeyesshouldnaturallyhavebeenwas，Iamconstrainedtosay，simplyadeadlevelofflesh。
Itwasnotinthenatureofthemetaphysiciantoforbearmakingsomeinquiryintothesourcesofsostrangeaphenomenon，andthereplyofhisMajestywasatonceprompt，dignified，andsatisfactory。
“Eyes！mydearBon-Bon-eyes！didyousay？-oh！-ah！-Iperceive！
Theridiculousprints，eh，whicharein，circulation，havegivenyouafalseideaofmypersonalappearance？Eyes！-true。Eyes，PierreBon-Bon，areverywellintheirproperplace-that，youwouldsay，isthehead？-
right-theheadofaworm。Toyou，likewise，theseopticsareindispensable-yetIwillconvinceyouthatmyvisionismorepenetratingthanyourown。ThereisacatIseeinthecorner-aprettycat-lookather-observeherwell。Now，Bon-Bon，doyoubeholdthethoughts-thethoughts，Isay，-theideas-thereflections-whicharebeingengenderedinherpericranium？Thereitis，now-youdonot！Sheisthinkingweadmirethelengthofhertailandtheprofundityofhermind。
ShehasjustconcludedthatIamthemostdistinguishedofecclesiastics，andthatyouarethemostsuperficialofmetaphysicians。ThusyouseeIamnotaltogetherblind；buttooneofmyprofession，theeyesyouspeakofwouldbemerelyanincumbrance，liableatanytimetobeputoutbyatoasting-iron，orapitchfork。Toyou，Iallow，theseopticalaffairsareindispensable。Endeavor，Bon-Bon，tousethemwell；-myvisionisthesoul。”
Hereupontheguesthelpedhimselftothewineuponthetable，andpouringoutabumperforBon-Bon，requestedhimtodrinkitwithoutscruple，andmakehimselfperfectlyathome。
“Acleverbookthatofyours，Pierre。”resumedhisMajesty，tappingourfriendknowinglyupontheshoulder，asthelatterputdownhisglassafterathoroughcompliancewithhisvisiter’sinjunction。“Acleverbookthatofyours，uponmyhonor。It’saworkaftermyownheart。Yourarrangementofthematter，Ithink，however，mightbeimproved，andmanyofyournotionsremindmeofAristotle。Thatphilosopherwasoneofmymostintimateacquaintances。Ilikedhimasmuchforhisterribleilltemper，asforhishappyknackatmakingablunder。Thereisonlyonesolidtruthinallthathehaswritten，andforthatIgavehimthehintoutofpurecompassionforhisabsurdity。Isuppose，PierreBon-Bon，youverywellknowtowhatdivinemoraltruthIamalluding？”
“CannotsaythatI-“
“Indeed！-whyitwasIwhotoldAristotlethatbysneezing，menexpelledsuperfluousideasthroughtheproboscis。”
“Whichis-hiccup！-undoubtedlythecase。”saidthemetaphysician，whilehepouredoutforhimselfanotherbumperofMousseux，andofferedhissnuff-boxtothefingersofhisvisiter。
“TherewasPlato，too。”continuedhisMajesty，modestlydecliningthesnuff-boxandthecomplimentitimplied-“therewasPlato，too，forwhomI，atonetime，feltalltheaffectionofafriend。YouknewPlato，Bon-Bon？-ah，no，Ibegathousandpardons。HemetmeatAthens，oneday，intheParthenon，andtoldmehewasdistressedforanidea。Ibadehimwrite，downthatonousestinaulos。Hesaidthathewoulddoso，andwenthome，whileIsteppedovertothepyramids。Butmyconsciencesmotemeforhavingutteredatruth，eventoaidafriend，andhasteningbacktoAthens，Iarrivedbehindthephilosopher’schairashewasinditingthe’aulos。’“
“Givingthelambdaafillipwithmyfinger，Iturneditupsidedown。
Sothesentencenowread’onousestinaugos’，andis，youperceive，thefundamentaldoctrinesinhismetaphysics。”
“WereyoueveratRome？”askedtherestaurateur，ashefinishedhissecondbottleofMousseux，anddrewfromtheclosetalargersupplyofChambertin。
Butonce，MonsieurBon-Bon，butonce。Therewasatime。”saidthedevil，asifrecitingsomepassagefromabook-“therewasatimewhenoccurredananarchyoffiveyears，duringwhichtherepublic，bereftofallitsofficers，hadnomagistracybesidesthetribunesofthepeople，andthesewerenotlegallyvestedwithanydegreeofexecutivepower-atthattime，MonsieurBon-Bon-atthattimeonlyIwasinRome，andIhavenoearthlyacquaintance，consequently，withanyofitsphilosophy。”*
{*2}IlsecrivaientsurlaPhilosophie_Cicero，Lucretius，Seneca_maisc’etaitlaPhilosophieGrecque-_Condorcet_。
“Whatdoyouthinkof-whatdoyouthinkof-hiccup！-Epicurus？”
“WhatdoIthinkofwhom？”saidthedevil，inastonishment，“youcannotsurelymeantofindanyfaultwithEpicurus！WhatdoIthinkofEpicurus！Doyoumeanme，sir？-IamEpicurus！IamthesamephilosopherwhowroteeachofthethreehundredtreatisescommemoratedbyDiogenesLaertes。”
“That’salie！”saidthemetaphysician，forthewinehadgottenalittleintohishead。
“Verywell！-verywell，sir！-verywell，indeed，sir！”saidhisMajesty，apparentlymuchflattered。
“That’salie！”repeatedtherestaurateur，dogmatically；“that’sa-
hiccup！-alie！”
“Well，well，haveityourownway！”saidthedevil，pacifically，andBon-Bon，havingbeatenhisMajestyatargument，thoughtithisdutytoconcludeasecondbottleofChambertin。
“AsIwassaying。”resumedthevisiter-“asIwasobservingalittlewhileago，therearesomeveryoutrenotionsinthatbookofyoursMonsieurBon-Bon。What，forinstance，doyoumeanbyallthathumbugaboutthesoul？Pray，sir，whatisthesoul？”
“The-hiccup！-soul。”repliedthemetaphysician，referringtohisMS。，“isundoubtedly-“
“No，sir！”
“Indubitably-“
“No，sir！”
“Indisputably-“
“No，sir！”
“Evidently-“
“No，sir！”
“Incontrovertibly-“
“No，sir！”
“Hiccup！-“
“No，sir！”
“Andbeyondallquestion，a-“
“Nosir，thesoulisnosuchthing！”Herethephilosopher，lookingdaggers，tookoccasiontomakeanend，uponthespot，ofhisthirdbottleofChambertin。
“Then-hic-cup！-pray，sir-what-whatisit？”
“Thatisneitherherenorthere，MonsieurBon-Bon。”repliedhisMajesty，musingly。“Ihavetasted-thatistosay，Ihaveknownsomeverybadsouls，andsometoo-prettygoodones。”Herehesmackedhislips，and，havingunconsciouslyletfallhishanduponthevolumeinhispocket，wasseizedwithaviolentfitofsneezing。
Hecontinued。
“TherewasthesoulofCratinus-passable：Aristophanes-racy：Plato-exquisite-notyourPlato，butPlatothecomicpoet；yourPlatowouldhaveturnedthestomachofCerberus-faugh！Thenletmesee！therewereNaevius，andAndronicus，andPlautus，andTerentius。ThentherewereLucilius，andCatullus，andNaso，andQuintusFlaccus，-dearQuinty！asI
calledhimwhenhesungaseculareformyamusement，whileItoastedhim，inpuregoodhumor，onafork。Buttheywantflavor，theseRomans。OnefatGreekisworthadozenofthem，andbesideswillkeep，whichcannotbesaidofaQuirite-LetustasteyourSauterne。”
Bon-Bonhadbythistimemadeuphismindtoniladmirariandendeavoredtohanddownthebottlesinquestion。Hewas，however，consciousofastrangesoundintheroomlikethewaggingofatail。Ofthis，althoughextremelyindecentinhisMajesty，thephilosophertooknonotice：-simplykickingthedog，andrequestinghimtobequiet。Thevisitercontinued：
“IfoundthatHoracetastedverymuchlikeAristotle；-youknowIamfondofvariety。TerentiusIcouldnothavetoldfromMenander。Naso，tomyastonishment，wasNicanderindisguise。VirgiliushadastrongtwangofTheocritus。MartialputmemuchinmindofArchilochus-andTitusLiviuswaspositivelyPolybiusandnoneother。”
“Hic-cup！”hererepliedBon-Bon，andhismajestyproceeded：
“ButifIhaveapenchant，MonsieurBon-Bon-ifIhaveapenchant，itisforaphilosopher。Yet，letmetellyou，sir，itisnoteverydev-I
meanitisnoteverygentlemanwhoknowshowtochooseaphilosopher。Longonesarenotgood；andthebest，ifnotcarefullyshelled，areapttobealittlerancidonaccountofthegall！”
“Shelled！”