Defunctiinjurianeafficianturwasalawofthetwelvetables,andDemortuisnilnisibonumisanexcellentinjunctionevenifthedeadinquestionbenothingbutdeadsmallbeer。Itisnotmydesign,therefore,tovituperatemydeceasedfriend,TobyDammit。Hewasasaddog,itistrue,andadog’sdeathitwasthathedied;buthehimselfwasnottoblameforhisvices。Theygrewoutofapersonaldefectinhismother。Shedidherbestinthewayofflogginghimwhileaninfantfordutiestoherwellregulatedmindwerealwayspleasures,andbabies,liketoughsteaks,orthemodernGreekolivetrees,areinvariablythebetterforbeatingbut,poorwoman!shehadthemisfortunetobeleft-handed,andachildfloggedleft-handedlyhadbetterbeleftunflogged。Theworldrevolvesfromrighttoleft。Itwillnotdotowhipababyfromlefttoright。Ifeachblowintheproperdirectiondrivesanevilpropensityout,itfollowsthateverythumpinanoppositeoneknocksitsquotaofwickednessin。IwasoftenpresentatToby’schastisements,and,evenbythewayinwhichhekicked,Icouldperceivethathewasgettingworseandworseeveryday。AtlastIsaw,throughthetearsinmyeyes,thattherewasnohopeofthevillainatall,andonedaywhenhehadbeencuffeduntilhegrewsoblackinthefacethatonemighthavemistakenhimforalittleAfrican,andnoeffecthadbeenproducedbeyondthatofmakinghimwrigglehimselfintoafit,Icouldstanditnolonger,butwentdownuponmykneesforthwith,and,upliftingmyvoice,madeprophecyofhisruin。
Thefactisthathisprecocityinvicewasawful。Atfivemonthsofageheusedtogetintosuchpassionsthathewasunabletoarticulate。Atsixmonths,Icaughthimgnawingapackofcards。Atsevenmonthshewasintheconstanthabitofcatchingandkissingthefemalebabies。AteightmonthsheperemptorilyrefusedtoputhissignaturetotheTemperancepledge。Thushewentonincreasingininiquity,monthaftermonth,until,atthecloseofthefirstyear,henotonlyinsisteduponwearingmoustaches,buthadcontractedapropensityforcursingandswearing,andforbackinghisassertionsbybets。
Throughthislattermostungentlemanlypractice,theruinwhichIhadpredictedtoTobyDammitovertookhimatlast。Thefashionhad“grownwithhisgrowthandstrengthenedwithhisstrength。”sothat,whenhecametobeaman,hecouldscarcelyutterasentencewithoutinterlardingitwithapropositiontogamble。Notthatheactuallylaidwagersno。Iwilldomyfriendthejusticetosaythathewouldassoonhavelaideggs。Withhimthethingwasamereformulanothingmore。Hisexpressionsonthisheadhadnomeaningattachedtothemwhatever。Theyweresimpleifnotaltogetherinnocentexpletivesimaginativephraseswherewithtoroundoffasentence。Whenhesaid“I’llbetyousoandso。”nobodyeverthoughtoftakinghimup;butstillIcouldnothelpthinkingitmydutytoputhimdown。Thehabitwasanimmoralone,andsoItoldhim。Itwasavulgarone-thisIbeggedhimtobelieve。Itwasdiscountenancedbysociety
hereIsaidnothingbutthetruth。ItwasforbiddenbyactofCongress
hereIhadnottheslightestintentionoftellingalie。Iremonstrated
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