SIR，Throughourcommonfriend，Mr。P。，Ihavereceivedyournoteofthisevening。UponduereflectionIfranklyadmittheproprietyoftheexplanationyousuggest。Thisbeingadmitted，Istillfindgreatdifficulty，owingtotherefinedlypeculiarnatureofourdisagreement，andofthepersonalaffrontofferedonmypart，insowordingwhatIhavetosaybywayofapology，astomeetalltheminuteexigencies，andallthevariableshadows，ofthecase。Ihavegreatreliance，however，onthatextremedelicacyofdiscrimination，inmattersappertainingtotherulesofetiquette，forwhichyouhavebeensolongandsopre-eminentlydistinguished。Withperfectcertainty，therefore，ofbeingcomprehended，Ibegleave，inlieuofofferinganysentimentsofmyown，toreferyoutotheopinionsofSieurHedelin，assetforthintheninthparagraphofthechapterof“Injuriaeperapplicationem，perconstructionem，etperse。”inhis“DuelliLexscripta，etnon；aliterque。”Thenicetyofyourdiscernmentinallthemattersheretreated，willbesufficient，Iamassured，toconvinceyouthatthemerecircumstanceofmereferringyoutothisadmirablepassage，oughttosatisfyyourrequest，asamanofhonor，forexplanation。
Withsentimentsofprofoundrespect，Yourmostobedientservant，VONJUNG。
TheHerrJohannHermannHermanncommencedtheperusalofthisepistlewithascowl，which，however，wasconvertedintoasmileofthemostludicrousself-complacencyashecametotherigmaroleaboutInjuriaeperapplicationem，perconstructionem，etperse。Havingfinishedreading，hebeggedme，withtheblandestofallpossiblesmiles，tobeseated，whilehemadereferencetothetreatiseinquestion。
Turningtothepassagespecified，hereaditwithgreatcaretohimself，thenclosedthebook，anddesiredme，inmycharacterofconfidentialacquaintance，toexpresstotheBaronvonJunghisexaltedsenseofhischivalrousbehavior，and，inthatofsecond，toassurehimthattheexplanationofferedwasofthefullest，themosthonorable，andthemostunequivocallysatisfactorynature。
Somewhatamazedatallthis，ImademyretreattotheBaron。HeseemedtoreceiveHermann’samicableletterasamatterofcourse，andafterafewwordsofgeneralconversation，wenttoaninnerroomandbroughtouttheeverlastingtreatise“DuelliLexscripta，etnon；
aliterque。”Hehandedmethevolumeandaskedmetolookoversomeportionofit。Ididso，buttolittlepurpose，notbeingabletogathertheleastparticleofmeaning。Hethentookthebookhimself，andreadmeachapteraloud。Tomysurprise，whathereadprovedtobeamosthorriblyabsurdaccountofaduelbetweentwobaboons。Henowexplainedthemystery；showingthatthevolume，asitappearedprimafacie，waswrittenupontheplanofthenonsenseversesofDuBartas；thatistosay，thelanguagewasingeniouslyframedsoastopresenttotheearalltheoutwardsignsofintelligibility，andevenofprofundity，whileinfactnotashadowofmeaningexisted。Thekeytothewholewasfoundinleavingouteverysecondandthirdwordalternately，whenthereappearedaseriesofludicrousquizzesuponasinglecombataspractisedinmoderntimes。
TheBaronafterwardsinformedmethathehadpurposelythrownthetreatiseinHermann’swaytwoorthreeweeksbeforetheadventure，andthathewassatisfied，fromthegeneraltenorofhisconversation，thathehadstudieditwiththedeepestattention，andfirmlybelievedittobeaworkofunusualmerit。Uponthishintheproceeded。Hermannwouldhavediedathousanddeathsratherthanacknowledgehisinabilitytounderstandanythingandeverythingintheuniversethathadeverbeenwrittenabouttheduello。
LittletonBarry。
Hey，diddlediddleThecatandthefiddleSINCEtheworldbegantherehavebeentwoJeremys。TheonewroteaJeremiadaboutusury，andwascalledJeremyBentham。HehasbeenmuchadmiredbyMr。JohnNeal，andwasagreatmaninasmallway。TheothergavenametothemostimportantoftheExactSciences，andwasagreatmaninagreatwayImaysay，indeed，intheverygreatestofways。
Diddlingortheabstractideaconveyedbytheverbtodiddleissufficientlywellunderstood。Yetthefact，thedeed，thethingdiddling，issomewhatdifficulttodefine。Wemayget，however，atatolerablydistinctconceptionofthematterinhand，bydefining-notthething，diddling，initselfbutman，asananimalthatdiddles。
HadPlatobuthituponthis，hewouldhavebeensparedtheaffrontofthepickedchicken。
VerypertinentlyitwasdemandedofPlato，whyapickedchicken，whichwasclearly“abipedwithoutfeathers。”wasnot，accordingtohisowndefinition，aman？ButIamnottobebotheredbyanysimilarquery。Manisananimalthatdiddles，andthereisnoanimalthatdiddlesbutman。Itwilltakeanentirehen-coopofpickedchickenstogetoverthat。
Whatconstitutestheessence，thenare，theprincipleofdiddlingis，infact，peculiartotheclassofcreaturesthatwearcoatsandpantaloons。Acrowthieves；afoxcheats；aweaseloutwits；amandiddles。Todiddleishisdestiny。“Manwasmadetomourn。”saysthepoet。Butnotso：hewasmadetodiddle。Thisishisaimhisobject-hisend。Andforthisreasonwhenaman’sdiddledwesayhe’s“done。”
Diddling，rightlyconsidered，isacompound，ofwhichtheingredientsareminuteness，interest，perseverance，ingenuity，audacity，nonchalance，originality，impertinence，andgrin。
Minuteness：Yourdiddlerisminute。Hisoperationsareuponasmallscale。Hisbusinessisretail，forcash，orapprovedpaperatsight。Shouldheeverbetemptedintomagnificentspeculation，hethen，atonce，loseshisdistinctivefeatures，andbecomeswhatweterm“financier。”Thislatterwordconveysthediddlingideaineveryrespectexceptthatofmagnitude。Adiddlermaythusberegardedasabankerinpettoa“financialoperation。”asadiddleatBrobdignag。Theoneistotheother，asHomerto“Flaccus“asaMastodontoamouseasthetailofacomettothatofapig。
Interest：Yourdiddlerisguidedbyself-interest。Hescornstodiddleforthemeresakeofthediddle。Hehasanobjectinview-hispocketandyours。Heregardsalwaysthemainchance。HelookstoNumberOne。YouareNumberTwo，andmustlooktoyourself。
Perseverance：Yourdiddlerperseveres。Heisnotreadilydiscouraged。Shouldeventhebanksbreak，hecaresnothingaboutit。
Hesteadilypursueshisend，andUtcanisacorionunquamabsterrebituruncto。soheneverletsgoofhisgame。
Ingenuity：Yourdiddlerisingenious。Hehasconstructivenesslarge。Heunderstandsplot。Heinventsandcircumvents。WerehenotAlexanderhewouldbeDiogenes。Werehenotadiddler，hewouldbeamakerofpatentrat-trapsorananglerfortrout。
Audacity：Yourdiddlerisaudacious。Heisaboldman。HecarriesthewarintoAfrica。Heconquersallbyassault。HewouldnotfearthedaggersofFreyHerren。WithalittlemoreprudenceDickTurpinwouldhavemadeagooddiddler；withatriflelessblarney，DanielO’Connell；withapoundortwomorebrainsCharlestheTwelfth。
Nonchalance：Yourdiddlerisnonchalant。Heisnotatallnervous。
Heneverhadanynerves。Heisneverseducedintoaflurry。Heisneverputoutunlessputoutofdoors。Heiscoolcoolasacucumber。Heiscalm“calmasasmilefromLadyBury。”Heiseasy-
easyasanoldglove，orthedamselsofancientBaiae。
Originality：Yourdiddlerisoriginalconscientiouslyso。Histhoughtsarehisown。Hewouldscorntoemploythoseofanother。A
staletrickishisaversion。Hewouldreturnapurse，Iamsure，upondiscoveringthathehadobtaineditbyanunoriginaldiddle。
Impertinence。Yourdiddlerisimpertinent。Heswaggers。Hesetshisarmsa-kimbo。Hethrusts。hishandsinhistrowsers’pockets。Hesneersinyourface。Hetreadsonyourcorns。Heeatsyourdinner，hedrinksyourwine，heborrowsyourmoney，hepullsyournose，hekicksyourpoodle，andhekissesyourwife。
Grin：Yourtruediddlerwindsupallwithagrin。Butthisnobodyseesbuthimself。Hegrinswhenhisdailyworkisdonewhenhisallottedlaborsareaccomplishedatnightinhisowncloset，andaltogetherforhisownprivateentertainment。Hegoeshome。Helockshisdoor。Hedivestshimselfofhisclothes。Heputsouthiscandle。
Hegetsintobed。Heplaceshisheaduponthepillow。Allthisdone，andyourdiddlergrins。Thisisnohypothesis。Itisamatterofcourse。Ireasonapriori，andadiddlewouldbenodiddlewithoutagrin。
TheoriginofthediddleisreferrabletotheinfancyoftheHumanRace。PerhapsthefirstdiddlerwasAdam。Atallevents，wecantracethesciencebacktoaveryremoteperiodofantiquity。Themoderns，however，havebroughtittoaperfectionneverdreamedofbyourthick-headedprogenitors。Withoutpausingtospeakofthe“oldsaws。”
therefore，Ishallcontentmyselfwithacompendiousaccountofsomeofthemore“moderninstances。”
Averygooddiddleisthis。Ahousekeeperinwantofasofa，forinstance，isseentogoinandoutofseveralcabinetwarehouses。Atlengthshearrivesatoneofferinganexcellentvariety。Sheisaccosted，andinvitedtoenter，byapoliteandvolubleindividualatthedoor。Shefindsasofawelladaptedtoherviews，anduponinquiringtheprice，issurprisedanddelightedtohearasumnamedatleasttwentypercent。lowerthanherexpectations。Shehastenstomakethepurchase，getsabillandreceipt，leavesheraddress，witharequestthatthearticlebesenthomeasspeedilyaspossible，andretiresamidaprofusionofbowsfromtheshopkeeper。Thenightarrivesandnosofa。Aservantissenttomakeinquiryaboutthedelay。Thewholetransactionisdenied。Nosofahasbeensoldnomoneyreceivedexceptbythediddler，whoplayedshop-keeperforthenonce。
Ourcabinetwarehousesareleftentirelyunattended，andthusaffordeveryfacilityforatrickofthiskind。Visitersenter，lookatfurniture，anddepartunheededandunseen。Shouldanyonewishtopurchase，ortoinquirethepriceofanarticle，abellisathand，andthisisconsideredamplysufficient。
Again，quitearespectablediddleisthis。Awell-dressedindividualentersashop，makesapurchasetothevalueofadollar；finds，muchtohisvexation，thathehaslefthispocket-bookinanothercoatpocket；andsosaystotheshopkeeper-
“Mydearsir，nevermind；justobligeme，willyou，bysendingthebundlehome？Butstay！IreallybelievethatIhavenothinglessthanafivedollarbill，eventhere。However，youcansendfourdollarsinchangewiththebundle，youknow。”
“Verygood，sir。”repliestheshop-keeper，whoentertains，atonce，aloftyopinionofthehigh-mindednessofhiscustomer。“Iknowfellows。”hesaystohimself，“whowouldjusthaveputthegoodsundertheirarm，andwalkedoffwithapromisetocallandpaythedollarastheycamebyintheafternoon。”
Aboyissentwiththeparcelandchange。Ontheroute，quiteaccidentally，heismetbythepurchaser，whoexclaims：
“Ah！Thisismybundle，IseeIthoughtyouhadbeenhomewithit，longago。Well，goon！Mywife，Mrs。Trotter，willgiveyouthefivedollarsIleftinstructionswithhertothateffect。ThechangeyoumightaswellgivetomeIshallwantsomesilverforthePostOffice。Verygood！One，two，isthisagoodquarter？-three，four
quiteright！SaytoMrs。Trotterthatyoumetme，andbesurenowanddonotloiterontheway。”
Theboydoesn’tloiteratallbutheisaverylongtimeingettingbackfromhiserrandfornoladyoftheprecisenameofMrs。Trotteristobediscovered。Heconsoleshimself，however，thathehasnotbeensuchafoolastoleavethegoodswithoutthemoney，andre-enteringhisshopwithaself-satisfiedair，feelssensiblyhurtandindignantwhenhismasteraskshimwhathasbecomeofthechange。
Averysimplediddle，indeed，isthis。Thecaptainofaship，whichisabouttosail，ispresentedbyanofficiallookingpersonwithanunusuallymoderatebillofcitycharges。Gladtogetoffsoeasily，andconfusedbyahundreddutiespressinguponhimallatonce，hedischargestheclaimforthwith。Inaboutfifteenminutes，anotherandlessreasonablebillishandedhimbyonewhosoonmakesitevidentthatthefirstcollectorwasadiddler，andtheoriginalcollectionadiddle。
Andhere，too，isasomewhatsimilarthing。Asteamboatiscastingloosefromthewharf。Atraveller，portmanteauinhand，isdiscoveredrunningtowardthewharf，atfullspeed。Suddenly，hemakesadeadhalt，stoops，andpicksupsomethingfromthegroundinaveryagitatedmanner。Itisapocket-book，and“Hasanygentlemanlostapocketbook？”hecries。Noonecansaythathehasexactlylostapocket-book；butagreatexcitementensues，whenthetreasuretroveisfoundtobeofvalue。Theboat，however，mustnotbedetained。
“Timeandtidewaitfornoman。”saysthecaptain。
“ForGod’ssake，stayonlyafewminutes。”saysthefinderofthebook“thetrueclaimantwillpresentlyappear。”
“Can’twait！”repliesthemaninauthority；“castoffthere，d’yehear？”
“WhatamItodo？”asksthefinder，ingreattribulation。“Iamabouttoleavethecountryforsomeyears，andIcannotconscientiouslyretainthislargeamountinmypossession。Ibegyourpardon，sir。”