K。standsforStaleDuckandnotforLordBrougham’ssocietybutthenDr。MoneypennyissuchaqueermanthatIamneversurewhenheistellingmethetruth。AtanyratewealwaysaddtoournamestheinitialsP。R。E。T。T。Y。B。L。U。E。B。A。T。C。H。thatistosay，Philadelphia，Regular，Exchange，Tea，Total，Young，Belles，Lettres，Universal，Experimental，Bibliographical，Association，To，Civilize，Humanityoneletterforeachword，whichisadecidedimprovementuponLordBrougham。Dr。MoneypennywillhaveitthatourinitialsgiveourtruecharacterbutformylifeIcan’tseewhathemeans。
NotwithstandingthegoodofficesoftheDoctor，andthestrenuousexertionsoftheassociationtogetitselfintonotice，itmetwithnoverygreatsuccessuntilIjoinedit。Thetruthis，themembersindulgedintooflippantatoneofdiscussion。ThepapersreadeverySaturdayeveningwerecharacterizedlessbydepththanbuffoonery。
Theywereallwhippedsyllabub。Therewasnoinvestigationoffirstcauses，firstprinciples。Therewasnoinvestigationofanythingatall。Therewasnoattentionpaidtothatgreatpoint，the“fitnessofthings。”Inshorttherewasnofinewritinglikethis。Itwasalllowvery！Noprofundity，noreading，nometaphysicsnothingwhichthelearnedcallspirituality，andwhichtheunlearnedchoosetostigmatizeascant。[Dr。M。saysIoughttospell“cant“withacapitalKbutIknowbetter。]
WhenIjoinedthesocietyitwasmyendeavortointroduceabetterstyleofthinkingandwriting，andalltheworldknowshowwellI
havesucceeded。WegetupasgoodpapersnowintheP。R。E。T。T。Y。
B。L。U。E。B。A。T。C。H。asanytobefoundeveninBlackwood。I
say，Blackwood，becauseIhavebeenassuredthatthefinestwriting，uponeverysubject，istobediscoveredinthepagesofthatjustlycelebratedMagazine。Wenowtakeitforourmodeluponallthemes，andaregettingintorapidnoticeaccordingly。And，afterall，it’snotsoverydifficultamattertocomposeanarticleofthegenuineBlackwoodstamp，ifoneonlygoesproperlyaboutit。OfcourseI
don’tspeakofthepoliticalarticles。Everybodyknowshowtheyaremanaged，sinceDr。Moneypennyexplainedit。Mr。Blackwoodhasapairoftailor’s-shears，andthreeapprenticeswhostandbyhimfororders。Onehandshimthe“Times。”anotherthe“Examiner“andathirda“Culley’sNewCompendiumofSlang-Whang。”Mr。B。merelycutsoutandintersperses。Itissoondonenothingbut“Examiner。”
“Slang-Whang。”and“Times“then“Times。”“Slang-Whang。”and“Examiner“andthen“Times。”“Examiner。”and“Slang-Whang。”
ButthechiefmeritoftheMagazineliesinitsmiscellaneousarticles；andthebestofthesecomeundertheheadofwhatDr。
Moneypennycallsthebizarrerieswhateverthatmaymeanandwhateverybodyelsecallstheintensities。ThisisaspeciesofwritingwhichIhavelongknownhowtoappreciate，althoughitisonlysincemylatevisittoMr。BlackwooddeputedbythesocietythatIhavebeenmadeawareoftheexactmethodofcomposition。Thismethodisverysimple，butnotsomuchsoasthepolitics。UponmycallingatMr。B。’s，andmakingknowntohimthewishesofthesociety，hereceivedmewithgreatcivility，tookmeintohisstudy，andgavemeaclearexplanationofthewholeprocess。
“Mydearmadam。”saidhe，evidentlystruckwithmymajesticappearance，forIhadonthecrimsonsatin，withthegreenagraffas，andorange-coloredauriclas。“Mydearmadam。”saidhe，“sitdown。Thematterstandsthus：Inthefirstplaceyourwriterofintensitiesmusthaveveryblackink，andaverybigpen，withaverybluntnib。
And，markme，MissPsycheZenobia！”hecontinued，afterapause，withthemostexpressiveenergyandsolemnityofmanner，“markme！thatpenmustneverbemended！Herein，madam，liesthesecret，thesoul，ofintensity。Iassumeuponmyselftosay，thatnoindividual，ofhowevergreatgeniuseverwrotewithagoodpenunderstandme，agoodarticle。Youmaytake，itforgranted，thatwhenmanuscriptcanbereaditisneverworthreading。Thisisaleadingprincipleinourfaith，towhichifyoucannotreadilyassent，ourconferenceisatanend。”
Hepaused。But，ofcourse，asIhadnowishtoputanendtotheconference，Iassentedtoapropositionsoveryobvious，andone，too，ofwhosetruthIhadallalongbeensufficientlyaware。Heseemedpleased，andwentonwithhisinstructions。
“Itmayappearinvidiousinme，MissPsycheZenobia，toreferyoutoanyarticle，orsetofarticles，inthewayofmodelorstudy，yetperhapsImayaswellcallyourattentiontoafewcases。Letmesee。
Therewas’TheDeadAlive，’acapitalthing！therecordofagentleman’ssensationswhenentombedbeforethebreathwasoutofhisbodyfulloftastes，terror，sentiment，metaphysics，anderudition。Youwouldhaveswornthatthewriterhadbeenbornandbroughtupinacoffin。Thenwehadthe’ConfessionsofanOpium-eater’fine，veryfine！gloriousimaginationdeepphilosophyacutespeculationplentyoffireandfury，andagoodspicingofthedecidedlyunintelligible。Thatwasanicebitofflummery，andwentdownthethroatsofthepeopledelightfully。TheywouldhaveitthatColeridgewrotethepaperbutnotso。Itwascomposedbymypetbaboon，Juniper，overarummerofHollandsandwater，’hot，withoutsugar。’“[ThisIcouldscarcelyhavebelievedhaditbeenanybodybutMr。Blackwood，whoassuredmeofit。]“Thentherewas’TheInvoluntaryExperimentalist，’allaboutagentlemanwhogotbakedinanoven，andcameoutaliveandwell，althoughcertainlydonetoaturn。Andthentherewas’TheDiaryofaLatePhysician，’wherethemeritlayingoodrant，andindifferentGreekbothofthemtakingthingswiththepublic。Andthentherewas’TheManintheBell，’apaperby-the-by，MissZenobia，whichI
cannotsufficientlyrecommendtoyourattention。Itisthehistoryofayoungpersonwhogoestosleepundertheclapperofachurchbell，andisawakenedbyitstollingforafuneral。Thesounddriveshimmad，and，accordingly，pullingouthistablets，hegivesarecordofhissensations。Sensationsarethegreatthingsafterall。Shouldyoueverbedrownedorhung，besureandmakeanoteofyoursensationstheywillbeworthtoyoutenguineasasheet。Ifyouwishtowriteforcibly，MissZenobia，payminuteattentiontothesensations。”
“ThatIcertainlywill，Mr。Blackwood。”saidI。
“Good！”hereplied。“Iseeyouareapupilaftermyownheart。ButI
mustputyouaufaittothedetailsnecessaryincomposingwhatmaybedenominatedagenuineBlackwoodarticleofthesensationstamp
thekindwhichyouwillunderstandmetosayIconsiderthebestforallpurposes。
“Thefirstthingrequisiteistogetyourselfintosuchascrapeasnooneevergotintobefore。Theoven，forinstance，thatwasagoodhit。Butifyouhavenoovenorbigbell，athand，andifyoucannotconvenientlytumbleoutofaballoon，orbeswallowedupinanearthquake，orgetstuckfastinachimney，youwillhavetobecontentedwithsimplyimaginingsomesimilarmisadventure。Ishouldprefer，however，thatyouhavetheactualfacttobearyouout。
Nothingsowellassiststhefancy，asanexperimentalknowledgeofthematterinhand。’Truthisstrange，’youknow，’strangerthanfiction’besidesbeingmoretothepurpose。”
HereIassuredhimIhadanexcellentpairofgarters，andwouldgoandhangmyselfforthwith。
“Good！”hereplied，“doso；althoughhangingissomewhathacknied。
Perhapsyoumightdobetter。TakeadoseofBrandreth’spills，andthengiveusyoursensations。However，myinstructionswillapplyequallywelltoanyvarietyofmisadventure，andinyourwayhomeyoumayeasilygetknockedinthehead，orrunoverbyanomnibus，orbittenbyamaddog，ordrownedinagutter。Buttoproceed。
“Havingdetermineduponyoursubject，youmustnextconsiderthetone，ormanner，ofyournarration。Thereisthetonedidactic，thetoneenthusiastic，thetonenaturalallcommonplaceenough。
Butthenthereisthetonelaconic，orcurt，whichhaslatelycomemuchintouse。Itconsistsinshortsentences。Somehowthus：Can’tbetoobrief。Can’tbetoosnappish。Alwaysafullstop。Andneveraparagraph。
“Thenthereisthetoneelevated，diffusive，andinterjectional。Someofourbestnovelistspatronizethistone。Thewordsmustbeallinawhirl，likeahumming-top，andmakeanoiseverysimilar，whichanswersremarkablywellinsteadofmeaning。Thisisthebestofallpossiblestyleswherethewriterisintoogreatahurrytothink。
“Thetonemetaphysicalisalsoagoodone。Ifyouknowanybigwordsthisisyourchanceforthem。TalkoftheIonicandEleaticschoolsofArchytas，Gorgias，andAlcmaeon。Saysomethingaboutobjectivityandsubjectivity。BesureandabuseamannamedLocke。
Turnupyournoseatthingsingeneral，andwhenyouletslipanythingalittletooabsurd，youneednotbeatthetroubleofscratchingitout，butjustaddafootnoteandsaythatyouareindebtedfortheaboveprofoundobservationtothe’KritikderreinemVernunft，’ortothe’MetaphysitheAnfongsgrundederNoturwissenchaft。’Thiswouldlookeruditeandandandfrank。
“Therearevariousothertonesofequalcelebrity，butIshallmentiononlytwomorethetonetranscendentalandthetoneheterogeneous。Intheformerthemeritconsistsinseeingintothenatureofaffairsaverygreatdealfartherthananybodyelse。Thissecondsightisveryefficientwhenproperlymanaged。Alittlereadingofthe’Dial’willcarryyouagreatway。Eschew，inthiscase，bigwords；getthemassmallaspossible，andwritethemupsidedown。LookoverChanning’spoemsandquotewhathesaysabouta’fatlittlemanwithadelusiveshowofCan。’PutinsomethingabouttheSupernalOneness。Don’tsayasyllableabouttheInfernalTwoness。
Aboveall，studyinnuendo。Hinteverythingassertnothing。Ifyoufeelinclinedtosay’breadandbutter，’donotbyanymeanssayitoutright。Youmaysayanythingandeverythingapproachingto’breadandbutter。’Youmayhintatbuck-wheatcake，oryoumayevengosofarastoinsinuateoat-mealporridge，butifbreadandbutterbeyourrealmeaning，becautious，mydearMissPsyche，notonanyaccounttosay’breadandbutter！’
IassuredhimthatIshouldneversayitagainaslongasIlived。Hekissedmeandcontinued：
“Asforthetoneheterogeneous，itismerelyajudiciousmixture，inequalproportions，ofalltheothertonesintheworld，andisconsequentlymadeupofeverythingdeep，great，odd，piquant，pertinent，andpretty。
“Letussupposenowyouhavedetermineduponyourincidentsandtone。
Themostimportantportioninfact，thesoulofthewholebusiness，isyettobeattendedtoIalludetothefillingup。Itisnottobesupposedthatalady，orgentlemaneither，hasbeenleadingthelifeofabookworm。Andyetaboveallthingsitisnecessarythatyourarticlehaveanairoferudition，oratleastaffordevidenceofextensivegeneralreading。NowI’llputyouinthewayofaccomplishingthispoint。Seehere！”pullingdownsomethreeorfourordinary-lookingvolumes，andopeningthematrandom。“Bycastingyoureyedownalmostanypageofanybookintheworld，youwillbeabletoperceiveatonceahostoflittlescrapsofeitherlearningorbel-espritism，whicharetheverythingforthespicingofaBlackwoodarticle。YoumightaswellnotedownafewwhileI
readthemtoyou。Ishallmaketwodivisions：first，PiquantFactsfortheManufactureofSimiles，and，second，PiquantExpressionstobeintroducedasoccasionmayrequire。Writenow！”andIwroteashedictated。
“PIQUANTFACTSFORSIMILES。’TherewereoriginallybutthreeMuses
Melete，Mneme，Aoedemeditation，memory，andsinging。’Youmaymakeagooddealofthatlittlefactifproperlyworked。Youseeitisnotgenerallyknown，andlooksrecherche。Youmustbecarefulandgivethethingwithadownrightimprovisoair。
“Again。’TheriverAlpheuspassedbeneaththesea，andemergedwithoutinjurytothepurityofitswaters。’Ratherstalethat，tobesure，but，ifproperlydressedanddishedup，willlookquiteasfreshasever。
“Hereissomethingbetter。’ThePersianIrisappearstosomepersonstopossessasweetandverypowerfulperfume，whiletoothersitisperfectlyscentless。’Finethat，andverydelicate！Turnitaboutalittle，anditwilldowonders。We’llhavesomethingelseinthebotanicalline。There’snothinggoesdownsowell，especiallywiththehelpofalittleLatin。Write！
“’TheEpidendrumFlosAeris，ofJava，bearsaverybeautifulflower，andwilllivewhenpulledupbytheroots。Thenativessuspenditbyacordfromtheceiling，andenjoyitsfragranceforyears。’That’scapital！Thatwilldoforthesimiles。NowforthePiquantExpressions。
“PIQUANTEXPRESSIONS。’TheVenerableChinesenovelJu-Kiao-Li。’Good！
ByintroducingthesefewwordswithdexterityyouwillevinceyourintimateacquaintancewiththelanguageandliteratureoftheChinese。WiththeaidofthisyoumayeithergetalongwithouteitherArabic，orSanscrit，orChickasaw。Thereisnopassingmuster，however，withoutSpanish，Italian，German，Latin，andGreek。Imustlookyououtalittlespecimenofeach。Anyscrapwillanswer，becauseyoumustdependuponyourowningenuitytomakeitfitintoyourarticle。Nowwrite！