第34章
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  `Don’tbeafraidofme,Marian,’wasallshesaid;`ImayforgetmyselfwithanoldfriendlikeMrGilmore,orwithadearsisterlikeyou,butIwillnotforgetmyselfwithSirPercivalGlyde。’

  Ilookedather,andlistenedtoherinsilentsurprise。Throughalltheyearsofourcloseintimacythispassiveforceinhercharacterhadbeenhiddenfromme——hiddenevenfromherself,tilllovefoundit,andsufferingcalleditforth。

  AstheclockonthemantelpiecestruckelevenSirPercivalknockedatthedoorandcamein。Therewassuppressedanxietyandagitationineverylineofhisface。Thedry,sharpcough,whichteaseshimatmosttimes,seemedtobetroublinghimmoreincessantlythanever。Hesatdownoppositetousatthetable,andLauraremainedbyme。Ilookedattentivelyatthemboth,andhewasthepalestofthetwo。

  Hesaidafewunimportantwords,withavisibleefforttopreservehiscustomaryeaseofmanner。Buthisvoicewasnottobesteadied,andtherestlessuneasinessinhiseyeswasnottobeconcealed。Hemusthavefeltthishimself,forhestoppedinthemiddleofasentence,andgaveupeventheattempttohidehisembarrassmentanylonger。

  TherewasjustonemomentofdeadsilencebeforeLauraaddressedhim。

  `Iwishtospeaktoyou,SirPercival,’shesaid,`onasubjectthatisveryimportanttousboth。Mysisterishere,becauseherpresencehelpsmeandgivesmeconfidence。ShehasnotsuggestedonewordofwhatIamgoingtosay——Ispeakfrommyownthoughts,notfromhers。IamsureyouwillbekindenoughtounderstandthatbeforeIgoanyfarther?’

  SirPercivalbowed。Shehadproceededthusfar,withperfectoutwardtranquillityandperfectproprietyofmanner。Shelookedathim,andhelookedather。Theyseemed,attheoutset,atleast,resolvedtounderstandoneanotherplainly。

  `IhaveheardfromMarian,’shewenton,`thatIhaveonlytoclaimmyreleasefromourengagementtoobtainthatreleasefromyou。Itwasforbearingandgenerousonyourpart,SirPercival,tosendmesuchamessage-

  ItisonlydoingyoujusticetosaythatIamgratefulfortheoffer,andIhopeandbelievethatitisonlydoingmyselfjusticetotellyouthatIdeclinetoacceptit。’

  Hisattentivefacerelaxedalittle。ButIsawoneofhisfeet,softly,quietly,incessantlybeatingonthecarpetunderthetable,andIfeltthathewassecretlyasanxiousasever。

  `lhavenotforgotten,’shesaid,`thatyouaskedmyfather’spermissionbeforeyouhonouredmewithaproposalofmarriage。PerhapsyouhavenotforgotteneitherwhatIsaidwhenIconsentedtoourengagement?Iventuredtotellyouthatmyfather’sinfluenceandadvicehadmainlydecidedmetogiveyoumypromise。Iwasguidedbymyfather,becauseIhadalwaysfoundhimthetruestofalladvisers,thebestandfondestofallprotectorsandfriends。Ihavelosthimnow——Ihaveonlyhismemorytolove,butmyfaithinthatdeardeadfriendhasneverbeenshaken。Ibelieveatthismoment,astrulyasIeverbelieved,thatheknewwhatwasbest,andthathishopesandwishesoughttobemyhopesandwishestoo。’

  Hervoicetrembledforthefirsttime。Herrestlessfingersstoletheirwayintomylap,andheldfastbyoneofmyhands。Therewasanothermomentofsilence,andthenSirPercivalspoke。

  `MayIask,’hesaid,`ifIhaveeverprovedmyselfunworthyofthetrustwhichithasbeenhithertomygreatesthonourandgreatesthappinesstopossess?’

  `Ihavefoundnothinginyourconducttoblame,’sheanswered。`Youhavealwaystreatedmewiththesamedelicacyandthesameforbearance。

  Youhavedeservedmytrust,and,whatisoffarmoreimportanceinmyestimation,youhavedeservedmyfather’strust,outofwhichminegrew。Youhavegivenmenoexcuse,evenifIhadwantedtofindone,foraskingtobereleasedfrommypledge。WhatIhavesaidsofarhasbeenspokenwiththewishtoacknowledgemywholeobligationtoyou。Myregardforthatobligation,myregardformyfather’smemory,andmyregardformyownpromise,allforbidmetosettheexample,onmyside,ofwithdrawingfromourpresentposition。Thebreakingofourengagementmustbeentirelyyourwishandyouract,SirPercival——notmine。’

  Theuneasybeatingofhisfootsuddenlystopped,andheleanedforwardeagerlyacrossthetable。

  `Myact?’hesaid。`Whatreasoncantherebeonmysideforwithdrawing?’

  Iheardherbreathquickening——Ifeltherhandgrowingcold。Inspiteofwhatshehadsaidtomewhenwewerealone,Ibegantobeafraidofher。Iwaswrong。

  `Areasonthatitisveryhardtotellyou,’sheanswered。`Thereisachangeinme,SirPercival——achangewhichisseriousenoughtojustifyyou,toyourselfandtome,inbreakingoffourengagement。’

  Hisfaceturnedsopaleagainthatevenhislipslosttheircolour。

  Heraisedthearmwhichlayonthetable,turnedalittleawayinhischair,andsupportedhisheadonhishand,sothathisprofileonlywaspresentedtous。

  `Whatchange?’heasked。Thetoneinwhichheputthequestionjarredonme——therewassomethingpainfullysuppressedinit。

  Shesighedheavily,andleanedtowardsmealittle,soastoresthershoulderagainstmine。Ifelthertrembling,andtriedtospareherbyspeakingmyself。Shestoppedmebyawarningpressureofherhand,andthenaddressedSirPercivaloncemore,butthistimewithoutlookingathim。

  `Ihaveheard,’shesaid,`andIbelieveit,thatthefondestandtruestofallaffectionsistheaffectionwhichawomanoughttobeartoherhusband。

  Whenourengagementbeganthataffectionwasminetogive,ifIcould,andyourstowin,ifyoucould。Willyoupardonme,andspareme,SirPercival,ifIacknowledgethatitisnotsoanylonger?’

  Afewtearsgatheredinhereyes,anddroppedoverhercheeksslowlyasshepausedandwaitedforhisanswer。Hedidnotutteraword。Atthebeginningofhisreplyhehadmovedthehandonwhichhisheadrested,sothatithidhisface。Isawnothingbuttheupperpartofhisfigureatthetable。Notamuscleofhimmoved。Thefingersofthehandwhichsupportedhisheadweredenteddeepinhishair。Theymighthaveexpressedhiddenangerorhiddengrief——itwashardtosaywhich——therewasnosignificanttremblinginthem。Therewasnothing,absolutelynothing,totellthesecretofhisthoughtsatthatmoment——themomentwhichwasthecrisisofhislifeandthecrisisofhers。

  Iwasdeterminedtomakehimdeclarehimself,forLaura’ssake。

  `SirPercival!’Iinterposedsharply,`haveyounothingtosaywhenmysisterhassaidsomuch?More,inmyopinion,’Iadded,myunluckytempergettingthebetterofme,`thananymanalive,inyourposition,hasarighttohearfromher。’

  Thatlastrashsentenceopenedawayforhimbywhichtoescapemeifhechose,andheinstantlytookadvantageofit。

  `Pardonme,MissHalcombe,’hesaid,stillkeepinghishandoverhisface,`pardonmeifIremindyouthatIhaveclaimednosuchright。’

  Thefewplainwordswhichwouldhavebroughthimbacktothepointfromwhichhehadwanderedwerejustonmylips,whenLauracheckedmebyspeakingagain。

  `lhopeIhavenotmademypainfulacknowledgmentinvain,’shecontinued。

  `IhopeithassecuredmeyourentireconfidenceinwhatIhavestilltosay?’

  `Praybeassuredofit。’Hemadethatbriefreplywarmly,droppinghishandonthetablewhilehespoke,andturningtowardsusagain。Whateveroutwardchangehadpassedoverhimwasgonenow。Hisfacewaseagerandexpectant——itexpressednothingbutthemostintenseanxietytohearhernextwords。

  `IwishyoutounderstandthatIhavenotspokenfromanyselfishmotive,’

  shesaid。`Ifyouleaveme,SirPercival,afterwhatyouhavejustheard,youdonotleavemetomarryanotherman,youonlyallowmetoremainasinglewomanfortherestofmylife。Myfaulttowardsyouhasbegunandendedinmyownthoughts。Itcannevergoanyfarther。NowordhaspassedShehesitated。indoubtabouttheexpressionsheshouldusenext,hesitatedinamomentaryconfusionwhichitwasverysadandverypainfultosee。

  `Nowordhaspassed,’shepatientlyandresolutelyresumed,`betweenmyselfandthepersontowhomIamnowreferringforthefirstandlasttimeinyourpresenceofmyfeelingstowardshim,orofhisfeelingstowardsme——nowordevercanpass——neitherhenorIarclikely,inthisworld,tomeetagain。Iearnestlybegyoutosparemefromsayinganymore,andtobelieveme,onmyword,inwhatIhavejusttoldyou。Itisthetruth,SirPercival,thetruthwhichIthinkmypromisedhusbandhasaclaimtohear,atanysacrificeofmyownfeelings。Itrusttohisgenerositytopardonme,andtohishonourtokeepmysecret。’

  `Boththosetrustsaresacredtome,’hesaid,`andbothshallbesacredlykept。’

  Afteransweringinthosetermshepaused,andlookedatherasifhewaswaitingtohearmore。

  `IhavesaidallIwishtosay,’sheaddedquietly——`Ihavesaidmorethanenoughtojustifyyouinwithdrawingfromyourengagement。’

  `Youhavesaidmorethanenough,’heanswered,`tomakeitthedearestobjectofmylifetokeeptheengagement。’Withthosewordsherosefromhischair,andadvancedafewstepstowardstheplacewhereshewassitting。

  Shestartedviolently,andafaintcryofsurpriseescapedher。Everywordshehadspokenhadinnocentlybetrayedherpurityandtruthtoamanwhothoroughlyunderstoodthepricelessvalueofapureandtruewoman。

  Herownnobleconducthadbeenthehiddenenemy,throughout,ofallthehopesshehadtrustedtoit。Ihaddreadedthisfromthefirst。Iwouldhavepreventedit。ifshehadallowedmethesmallestchanceofdoingso。

  Ievenwaitedandwatchednow,whentheharmwasdone。forawordfromSirPercivalthatwouldgivemetheopportunityofputtinghiminthewrong。

  `Youhaveleftittome,MissFairlie。toresignyou,’hecontinued。

  `Iamnotheartlessenoughtoresignawomanwhohasjustshownherselftobethenoblestofhersex。’

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