ItwasonthefairplainsofTouraine，bythebanksofsilverLoire，thatthearmiessatdownbeforeeachother，andthebattlewastotakeplacewhichhadsuchaneffectuponthefortunesofFrance。’TwasabriskdayofMarch:thepractisedvalorofNemoursshowedhimatoncewhatusetomakeofthearmyunderhisorders，andhavingenfiladedhisNationalGuardbattalions，andplacedhisartilleryinechelons，heformedhiscavalryintohollowsquaresontherightandleftofhisline，flingingoutacloudofhowitzerstofallbackuponthemaincolumn。HisveteraninfantryheformedbehindhisNationalGuard——politelyhintingtoOdillonBarrot，whowishedtoretireunderpretenceofbeingexceedinglyunwell，thattheregulartroopswouldbayonettheNationalGuardiftheygavewayaninch:onwhichtheirGeneral，turningverypale，demurelywentbacktohispost。Hismenweredreadfullydiscouraged；theyhadsleptonthegroundallnight；theyregrettedtheirhomesandtheircomfortablenightcapsintheRueSt。Honore:theyhadluckilyfalleninwithaflockofsheepandadroveofoxenatToursthedaybefore；butwhatwerethese，comparedtothedelicaciesofChevet’sorthreecoursesatVefour’s？Theymournfullycookedtheirsteaksandcutletsontheirramrods，andpassedamostwretchednight。
ThearmyofHenrywasencampedoppositetothemforthemostpartinbetterorder。Thenoblecavalryregimentsfoundavillageinwhichtheymadethemselvesprettycomfortable，Jenkins’sFoottakingpossessionofthekitchensandgarretsofthebuildings。
TheIrishBrigade，accustomedtolieabroad，werequarteredinsomepotatofields，wheretheysangMoore’smelodiesallnight。Therewere，besidesthetroopsregularandirregular，aboutthreethousandpriestsandabbeswiththearmy，armedwithscourging-
whips，andchantingthemostlugubriouscanticles:thesereverendmenwerefoundtobeahindranceratherthanotherwisetotheoperationsoftheregularforces。
Itwasatouchingsight，onthemorningbeforethebattle，toseethealacritywithwhichJenkins’sregimentsprungupattheFIRST
reveilleofthebell，andengagedthehonestfellows！inofficesalmostmenialforthebenefitoftheirFrenchallies。TheDukehimselfsettheexample，andblackedtoanicetythebootsofHenri。Athalf-pastten，aftercoffee，thebrilliantwarriorsofthecavalrywereready；theirclarionsrungtohorse，theirbannersweregiventothewind，theirshirt-collarswereexquisitelystarched，andthewholeairwasscentedwiththeodorsoftheirpomatumsandpocket-handkerchiefs。
JenkinshadthehonorofholdingthestirrupforHenri。”MyfaithfulDuke！”saidthePrince，pullinghimbytheshoulder-knot，”thouartalwaysatTHYPOST。””Here，asinWellingtonStreet，sire，”saidthehero，blushing。AndthePrincemadeanappropriatespeechtohischivalry，inwhichallusionstothelilies，SaintLouis，BayardandHenriQuatre，were，asmaybeimagined，notspared。”Ho！standard-bearer！”thePrinceconcluded，”flingoutmyoriflamme。NoblegentsofFrance，yourKingisamongyouto-day！”
ThenturningtothePrinceofBallybunion，whohadbeendrinkingwhiskey-punchallnightwiththePrincesofDonegalandConnemara，”Prince，”hesaid，”theIrishBrigadehaswoneverybattleintheFrenchhistory——wewillnotdepriveyouofthehonorofwinningthis。Youwillpleasetocommencetheattackwithyourbrigade。”
BendinghisheaduntilthegreenplumesofhisbeavermingledwiththemaneoftheShetlandponywhichherode，thePrinceofIrelandtrottedoffwithhisaides-de-camp；whorodethesamehorses，powerfulgrays，withwhichadealeratNantzhadsuppliedthemontheirandthePrince’sjointbillatthreemonths。
ThegallantsonsofErinhadwiselysleptuntilthelastminuteintheirpotato-trenches，butroseatonceatthesummonsoftheirbelovedPrince。Theirtoiletwastheworkofamoment——asingleshakeanditwasdone。Rapidlyformingintoaline，theyadvancedheadedbytheirGenerals，——who，turningtheirsteedsintoagrass-
field，wiselydeterminedtofightonfoot。BehindthemcamethelineofBritishfootundertheillustriousJenkins，whomarchedinadvanceperfectlycollected，andsmokingaManillacigar。Thecavalrywereontherightandleftoftheinfantry，preparedtoactinpontoon，inechelon，orinricochet，asoccasionmightdemand。
ThePrincerodebehind，supportedbyhisStaff，whowerealmostallofthembishops，archdeacons，orabbes；andthebodyofecclesiasticsfollowed，singingtothesound，orratherhowl，ofserpentsandtrombones，theLatincanticlesoftheReverendFranciscusO’Mahony，latelycanonizedunderthenameofSaintFrancisofCork。
Theadvancedlinesofthetwocontendingarmieswerenowinpresence——theNationalGuardofOrleansandtheIrishBrigade。
ThewhitebeltsandfatpaunchesoftheGuardpresentedaterrificappearance；butitmighthavebeenremarkedbythecloseobserver，thattheirfaceswereaswhiteastheirbelts，andthelonglineoftheirbayonetsmightbeseentoquiver。GeneralOdillonBarrot，withacockadeaslargeasapancake，endeavoredtomakeaspeech:
thewordshonneur，patrie，Francais，champdebataillemightbedistinguished；buttheGeneralwasdreadfullyflustered，andwasevidentlymoreathomeintheChamberofDeputiesthaninthefieldofwar。
ThePrinceofBallybunion，forawonder，didnotmakeaspeech。”Boys，”saidhe，”we’veenoughtalkingattheCornExchange；
bating’sthewordnow。”TheGreen-Islandersrepliedwithatremendoushurroo，whichsentterrorintothefatbosomsoftheFrench。”GentlemenoftheNationalGuard，”saidthePrince，takingoffhishatandbowingtoOdillonBarrot，”willyebesoigsthramelyobleegingastofirefirst。”ThishesaidbecauseithadbeensaidatFontenoy，butchieflybecausehisownmenwereonlyarmedwithshillelaghs，andthereforecouldnotfire。
ButthisproposalwasveryunpalatabletotheNationalGuardsmen:
forthoughtheyunderstoodthemusket-exerciseprettywell，firingwasthethingofallotherstheydetested——thenoise，andthekickofthegun，andthesmellofthepowderbeingveryunpleasanttothem。”Wewon’tfire，”saidOdillonBarrot，turningroundtoColonelSaugrenueandhisregimentoftheline——which，itmayberemembered，wasformedbehindtheNationalGuard。”Thengivethemthebayonet，”saidtheColonel，withaterrificoath。”Charge，corbleu！”
Atthismoment，andwiththemostdreadfulhowlthateverwasheard，theNationalGuardwasseentorushforwardswildly，andwithimmensevelocity，towardsthefoe。Thefactis，thatthelineregimentbehindthem，eachselectinghisman，gaveapokewithhisbayonetbetweenthecoat-tailsoftheNationals，andthosetroopsboundedforwardwithanirresistibleswiftness。
Nothingcouldwithstandthetremendousimpetusofthatmanoeuvre。
TheIrishBrigadewasscatteredbeforeit，aschaffbeforethewind。ThePrinceofBallybunionhadbarelytimetorunOdillonBarrotthroughthebody，whenhetoowasborneawayintheswiftrout。Theyscatteredtumultuously，andfledfortwentymileswithoutstopping。ThePrincesofDonegalandConnemaraweretakenprisoners；butthoughtheyofferedtogivebillsatthreemonths，andforahundredthousandpounds，fortheirransom，theofferwasrefused，andtheyweresenttotherear；whentheDukeofNemours，hearingtheywereIrishGenerals，andthattheyhadbeenrobbedoftheirreadymoneybyhistroops，whohadtakenthemprisoners，causedacomfortablebreakfasttobesuppliedtothem，andlentthemeachasumofmoney。Howgenerousaremeninsuccess！——thePrinceofOrleanswascharmedwiththeconductofhisNationalGuards，andthoughthisvictorysecure。HedespatchedacouriertoPariswiththebriefwords，”WemettheenemybeforeTours。TheNationalGuardhasdoneitsduty。Thetroopsofthepretenderarerouted。ViveleRoi！”Thenote，youmaybesure，appearedintheJournaldesDebats，andtheeditor，whoonlythatmorninghadcalledHenriV。”agreatprince，anaugustexile，”denominatedhiminstantlyamurderer，slave，thief，cut-throat，pickpocket，andburglar。
CHAPTERVI。
THEENGLISHUNDERJENKINS。
ButthePrincehadnotcalculatedthattherewasalineofBritishinfantrybehindtheroutedIrishBrigade。Borneonwiththehurryofthemelee，flushedwithtriumph，puffingandblowingwithrunning，andforgetting，intheintoxicationofvictory，thetriflingbayonet-prickswhichhadimpelledthemtothecharge，theconqueringNationalGuardsmenfoundthemselvessuddenlyinpresenceofJenkins’sFoot。
Theyhaltedallinahuddle，likeaflockofsheep。”UP，FOOT，ANDATTHEM！”werethememorablewordsoftheDukeJenkins，as，wavinghisbaton，hepointedtowardstheenemy，andwithatremendousshoutthestalwartsonsofEnglandrushedon！——
Downwentplumeandcocked-hat，downwentcorporalandcaptain，downwentgrocerandtailor，underthelongstavesoftheindomitableEnglishFootmen。”AJenkins！aJenkins！”roaredtheDuke，plantingablowwhichbroketheaquilinenoseofMajorArago，thecelebratedastronomer。”St。GeorgeforMayfair！”shoutedhisfollowers，strewingtheplainwithcarcasses。NotamanoftheGuardescaped；theyfelllikegrassbeforethemower。”Theyaregallanttroops，thoseyellow-plushedAnglais，”saidtheDukeofNemours，surveyingthemwithhisopera-glass。”’Tisapitytheywillallbecutupinhalfanhour。Concombre！takeyourdragoons，anddoit！””RememberWaterloo，boys！”saidColonelConcombre，twirlinghismoustache，andathousandsabresflashedinthesun，andthegallanthussarspreparedtoattacktheEnglishmen。
Jenkins，hisgiganticformleaningonhisstaff，andsurveyingthehavocofthefield，wasinstantlyawareoftheenemy’smanoeuvre。
HispeoplewereemployedriflingthepocketsoftheNationalGuard，andhadmadeatolerablebooty，whenthegreatDuke，takingabelloutofhispocket，itwasusedforsignalsinhisbattalioninplaceoffifeorbugle，speedilycalledhisscatteredwarriorstogether。”TakethemusketsoftheNationals，”saidhe。Theydidso。”Forminsquare，andpreparetoreceivecavalry！”BythetimeConcombre’sregimentarrived，hefoundasquareofbristlingbayonetswithBritonsbehindthem！
TheColoneldidnotcaretoattempttobreakthattremendousbody。”Halt！”saidhetohismen。”Fire！”screamedJenkins，witheagleswiftness；butthegunsoftheNationalGuardnotbeingloaded，didnotinconsequencegooff。
Thehussarsgaveajeerofderision，butneverthelessdidnotreturntotheattack，andseeingsomeoftheLegitimistcavalryathand，preparedtochargeuponthem。
Thefateofthosecarpetwarriorswassoondecided。TheMillefleurregimentbrokebeforeConcombre’shussarsinstantaneously；theEau-
de-Rosedragoonsstuckspursintotheirbloodhorses，andgallopedfaroutofreachoftheopposingcavalry；theEau-de-Colognelancersfaintedtoaman，andtheregimentofConcombre，pursuingitscourse，hadactuallyreachedthePrinceandhisaides-de-camp，whentheclergymencomingupformedgallantlyroundtheoriflamme，andthebassoonsandserpentsbrayingagain，setupsuchashoutofcanticles，andanathemas，andexcommunications，thatthehorsesofConcombre’sdragoonsinturntookfright，andthosewarriorsintheirturnbrokeandfled。Assoonastheyturned，theVendeanriflemenfiredamongstthemandfinishedthem:thegallantConcombrefell；theintrepidthoughdiminutiveCornichon，hismajor，wascutdown；Cardonwaswoundedalamoelle，andthewifeofthefieryNavetwasthatdayawidow。Peacetothesoulsofthebrave！Indefeatorinvictory，wherecanthesoldierfindamorefittingresting-placethanthegloriousfieldofcarnage？OnlyafewdisorderlyanddispiritedridersofConcombre’sregimentreachedToursatnight。Theyhadleftitbutthedaybefore，athousanddisciplinedandhigh-spiritedmen！
KnowinghowirresistibleaweaponisthebayonetinBritishhands，theintrepidJenkinsdeterminedtocarryonhisadvantage，andchargedtheSaugrenuelightinfantrynowbeforehimwithCOLD
STEEL。TheFrenchmendeliveredavolley，ofwhichashottookeffectinJenkins’scockade，butdidnotabidethecrossingoftheweapons。”AFrenchmandies，butneversurrenders，”saidSaugrenue，yieldinguphissword，andhiswholeregimentwerestabbed，trampleddown，ormadeprisoners。ThebloodoftheEnglishmenroseinthehotencounter。Theircurseswerehorrible；theircouragetremendous。”On！on！”hoarselyscreamedthey；andasecondregimentmetthemandwascrushed，poundedinthehurtling，grindingencounter。”AJenkins，aJenkins！”stillroaredtheheroicDuke:”St。GeorgeforMayfair！”TheFootmenofEnglandstillyelledtheirterrificbattle-cry，”Hurra，hurra！”Ontheywent；regimentafterregimentwasannihilated，until，scaredattheverytrampleoftheadvancingwarriors，thedismayedtroopsofFrancescreamingfled。Gatheringhislastwarriorsroundabouthim，Nemoursdeterminedtomakealastdesperateeffort。’Twasvain:theranksmet；thenextmomentthetruncheonofthePrinceofOrleanswasdashedfromhishandbytheirresistiblemaceoftheDukeJenkins；hishorse’sshinswerebrokenbythesameweapon。
Screamingwithagonytheanimalfell。Jenkins’shandwasattheDuke’scollarinamoment，andhadhenotgaspedout，”Jemerends！”hewouldhavebeenthrottledinthatdreadfulgrasp！
Threehundredandforty-twostandards，seventy-nineregiments，theirbaggage，ammunition，andtreasure-chests，fellintothehandsofthevictoriousDuke。HehadavengedthehonorofOldEngland；
andhimselfpresentingtheswordoftheconqueredNemourstoPrinceHenri，whonowcameup，thePrinceburstingintotears，fellonhisneckandsaid，”Duke，Iowemycrowntomypatronsaintandyou。”
Itwasindeedagloriousvictory:butwhatwillnotBritishvalorattain？
TheDukeofNemours，havingdespatchedabriefnotetoParis，saying，”Sire，allislostexcepthonor！”wassentoffinconfinement；andinspiteoftheentreatiesofhiscaptor，washardlytreatedwithdecentpoliteness。Thepriestsandthenobleregimentswhorodebackwhentheaffairwasover，wereforhavingthePrinceshotatonce，andmurmuredloudlyagainst”cetAnglaisbrutal”whointerposedinbehalfoftheprisoner。HenriV。grantedthePrincehislife；but，nodoubtmisguidedbytheadviceofhisnobleandecclesiasticalcounsellors，treatedtheillustriousEnglishDukewithmarkedcoldness，anddidnotevenaskhimtosupperthatnight。”Well！”saidJenkins，”Iandmymerrymencansupalone。”And，indeed，havinghadthepickoftheplunderofabout28，000men，theyhadwherewithaltomakethemselvesprettycomfortable。Theprisoners25，403wereallwithoutdifficultyinducedtoassumethewhitecockade。Mostofthemhadthosemarksofloyaltyreadysewnintheirflannel-waistcoats，wheretheysworetheyhadwornthemeversince1830。Thiswemaybelieve，andwewill；butthePrinceHenriwastoopoliticortoogood-humoredinthemomentofvictory，todoubtthesincerityofhisnewsubjects’protestations，andreceivedtheColonelsandGeneralsaffablyathistable。
Thenextmorningaproclamationwasissuedtotheunitedarmies。”FaithfulsoldiersofFranceandNavarre，”saidthePrince，”thesaintshavewonforusagreatvictory——theenemiesofourreligionhavebeenovercome——theliliesarerestoredtotheirnativesoil。
Yesterdaymorningateleveno’clockthearmyundermycommandengagedthatwhichwasledbyhisSERENEHighnesstheDukedeNemours。Ourforceswerebutathirdinnumberwhencomparedwiththoseoftheenemy。Myfaithfulchivalryandnoblesmadethestrength，however，equal。”TheregimentsofFleur-d’Orange，Millefleur，andEau-de-Colognecoveredthemselveswithglory:theysabredmanythousandsoftheenemy’stroops。Theirvalorwasablysecondedbythegallantryofmyecclesiasticalfriends:atamomentofdangertheyralliedroundmybanner，andforsakingthecrosierforthesword，showedthattheywereofthechurchmilitantindeed。”MyfaithfulIrishauxiliariesconductedthemselveswithbecomingheroism——butwhyparticularizewhenalldidtheirduty？Howrememberindividualactswhenallwereheroes？”TheMarshalofFrance，Sucred’Orgeville，CommanderoftheArmyofH。M。ChristianMajesty，recommendedaboutthreethousandpersonsforpromotion；
andtheindignationofJenkinsandhisbravecompanionsmaybeimaginedwhenitisstatedthattheywerenotevenmentionedinthedespatch！
AsforthePrincesofBallybunion，Donegal，andConnemara，theywroteoffdespatchestotheirGovernment，saying，”TheDukeofNemoursisbeaten，andaprisoner！TheIrishBrigadehasdoneitall！”OnwhichhisMajestytheKingoftheIrish，convokinghisParliamentattheCornExchangePalace，Dublin，madeaspeech，inwhichhecalledLouisPhilippean”oldmiscreant，”andpaidthehighestcomplimentstohissonandhistroops。TheKingonthisoccasionknightedSirHenrySheehan，SirGavanDuffywhosejournalshadpublishedthenews，andwassodelightedwiththevalorofhisson，thathedespatchedhimhisorderofthePigandWhistle1stclass，andamunificentpresentoffivehundredthousandpounds——inabillatthreemonths。AllDublinwasilluminated；andataballattheCastletheLordChancellorSmithEarlofSmithereensgettingextremelyintoxicated，calledouttheLordBishopofGalwaytheDove，andtheyfoughtinthePhoenixPark。HavingshottheRightReverendBishopthroughthebody，Smithereensapologized。HewasthesamepractitionerwhohadrenderedhimselfsocelebratedinthememorabletrialoftheKing——
beforetheActofIndependence。
Meanwhile，thearmyofPrinceHenriadvancedwithrapidstridestowardsParis，whithertheHistorylikewisemusthasten；forextraordinaryweretheeventspreparinginthatcapital。
CHAPTERVII。
THELEAGUEROFPARIS。
Byasingularcoincidence，ontheverysamedaywhenthearmiesofHenriV。appearedbeforeParisfromtheWesternRoad，thoseoftheEmperorJohnThomasNapoleonarrivedfromtheNorth。Skirmishestookplacebetweentheadvanced-guardsofthetwoparties，andmuchslaughterensued。”Bon！”thoughtKingLouisPhilippe，whoexaminedthemfromhistower；”theywillkilleachother。Thisisbyfarthemosteconomicalwayofgettingridofthem。”Theastutemonarch’scalculationswereadmirablyexposedbyacleverremarkofthePrinceofBallybunion。”Faix，Harry，”sayshewithafamiliaritywhichthepunctilioussonofSaintLouisresented，”youandhimyandther——theEmperor，Imane——areliketheKilkennycats，dear。””Etquefont-ilsceschatsdeKilkigny，MonsieurlePrincedeBallybunion？”askedtheMostChristianKinghaughtily。
PrinceDanielrepliedbynarratingthewell-knownapologueoftheanimals”atingeachotherallupbuttheirTEELS；andthat’swhatyouandImparialPopyondtherwilldo，blazingawayasyeare，”
addedthejocoseandroyalboy。”JeprievotreAltesseRoyaledevaguerasespropresaffaires，”
answeredPrinceHenristernly:forhewasanenemytoanythinglikeajoke；butthereisalwayswisdominrealwit，anditwouldhavebeenwellforhisMostChristianMajestyhadhefollowedthefacetiouscounselsofhisIrishally。
Thefactis，theKing，Henri，hadanunderstandingwiththegarrisonsofsomeoftheforts，andexpectedallwoulddeclareforhim。However，ofthetwenty-fourfortswhichwehavedescribed，eightonly——andbythemeansofMarshalSoult，whohadgrownextremelydevoutoflateyears——declaredforHenri，andraisedthewhiteflag:whileeightothers，seeingPrinceJohnThomasNapoleonbeforetheminthecostumeofhisreveredpredecessor，atonceflungopentheirgatestohim，andmountedthetricolorwiththeeagle。Theremainingeight，intowhichthePrincesofthebloodofOrleanshadthrownthemselves，remainedconstanttoLouisPhilippe。
NothingcouldinducethatPrincetoquittheTuileries。Hismoneywasthere，andhesworehewouldremainbyit。Invainhissonsofferedtobringhimintooneoftheforts——hewouldnotstirwithouthistreasure。Theysaidtheywouldtransportitthither；
butno，no:thepatriarchalmonarch，puttinghisfingertohisagednose，andwinkingarchly，said”heknewatrickworthtwoofthat，”
andresolvedtoabidebyhisbags。
Thetheatresandcafesremainedopenasusual:thefundsrosethreecentimes。TheJournaldesDebatspublishedthreeeditionsofdifferenttonesofpolitics:one，theJournaldel’Empire，fortheNapoleonites；theJournaldelaLegitimiteanother，verycomplimentarytotheLegitimatemonarch；andfinally，theoriginaledition，boundheartandsoultothedynastyofJuly。Thepooreditor，whohadtowriteallthree，complainednotalittlethathissalarywasnotraised:butthetruthis，that，byalteringthenames，onearticledidindifferentlyforeitherpaper。TheDukeofBrittany，underthetitleofLouisXVII。，wasalwaysissuingmanifestoesfromCharenton，butofthesetheParisianstooklittleheed:theCharivariproclaimeditselfhisGazette，andwasallowedtobeverywittyattheexpenseofthethreepretenders。
Asthecountryhadbeenravagedforahundredmilesround，therespectivePrincesofcoursewereforthrowingthemselvesintotheforts，wheretherewasplentyofprovision；and，whenoncethere，theyspeedilybegantoturnoutsuchofthegarrisonasweredisagreeabletothem，orhadaninconvenientappetite，orwereofadoubtfulfidelity。Thesepoorfellowsturnedintotheroad，hadnochoicebutstarvation；astogettingintoParis，thatwasimpossible:amousecouldnothavegotintotheplace，soadmirablywerethefortsguarded，withouthavinghisheadtakenoffbyacannon-ball。Thusthethreeconflictingpartiesstood，closetoeachother，hatingeachother，”willingtowoundandyetafraidtostrike”——thevictualsintheforts，fromtheprodigiousincreaseofthegarrisons，gettingsmallereveryday。AsforLouisPhilippeinhispalace，inthecentreofthetwenty-fourforts，knowingthatasparkfromonemightsetthemallblazingaway，andthatheandhismoney-bagsmightbeblownintoeternityintenminutes，youmayfancyhissituationwasnotverycomfortable。
Buthissafetylayinhistreasure。NeithertheImperialistsnortheBourboniteswerewillingtorelinquishthetwohundredandfiftybillionsingold；norwouldthePrincesofOrleansdaretofireuponthatconsiderablesumofmoney，anditspossessor，theirreveredfather。Howwasthisstateofthingstoend？TheEmperorsentanotetohisMostChristianMajestyfortheyalwaysstyledeachotherinthismannerintheircommunications，proposingthattheyshouldturnoutanddecidethequarrelswordinhand；towhichpropositionHenriwouldhaveacceded，butthatthepriests，hisghostlycounsellors，threatenedtoexcommunicatehimshouldhedoso。Hencethissimplewayofsettlingthedisputewasimpossible。
Thepresenceoftheholyfatherscausedconsiderableannoyanceintheforts。EspeciallythepoorEnglish，asProtestants，weresubjecttomuchpettypersecution，tothenosmallangerofJenkins，theircommander。AnditmustbeconfessedthattheseintrepidFootmenwerenotsoamenabletodisciplineastheymighthavebeen。RememberingtheusagesofmerryEngland，theyclubbedtogether，andsworetheywouldhavefourmealsofmeataday，wax-
candlesinthecasemates，andtheirporter。Thesedemandswerelaughedat:thepriestsevencalleduponthemtofastonFridays；
onwhichageneralmutinybrokeoutintheregiment；andtheywouldhavehadaFOURTHstandardraisedbeforeParis——viz。，thatofEngland——butthegarrisonprovingtoostrongforthem，theywerecompelledtolaydowntheirsticks；and，inconsiderationofpastservices，werepermittedtoleavetheforts。’Twaswellforthem！
asyoushallhear。
ThePrinceofBallybunionandtheIrishforcewerequarteredinthefortwhich，incomplimenttothem，wascalledFortPotato，andwheretheymadethemselvesascomfortableascircumstanceswouldadmit。ThePrinceshadasmuchbrandyastheyliked，andpassedtheirtimeontherampartsplayingatdice，orpitch-and-tosswiththehalfpennythatoneofthemsomehowhadforvastsumsofmoney，forwhichtheygavetheirnotes-of-hand。Thewarriorsoftheirlegionwouldstandrounddelighted；anditwas，”Musha，MasterDan，butthat’sagoodthrow！””Goodlucktoyou，MistherPat，andthrowthirteenthistime！”andsoforth。Butthissortofinactioncouldnotlastlong。TheyhadheardofthetreasuresamassedinthepalaceoftheTuileries:theysighedwhentheythoughtofthelackofbullionintheirgreenandbeautifulcountry。Theypantedforwar！Theyformedtheirplan。
CHAPTERVIII。
THEBATTLEOFTHEFORTS。
Onthemorningofthe26thOctober，1884，ashisMajestyLouisPhilippewasatbreakfastreadingtheDebatsnewspaper，andwishingthatwhatthejournalsaidabout”CholeraMorbusintheCampofthePretenderHenri，”——”Chicken-poxragingintheFortsoftheTraitorBonaparte，”——mightbetrue，whatwashissurprisetohearthereportofagun；andatthesameinstant——whiz！cameaneighty-
four-poundballthroughthewindowandtookofftheheadofthefaithfulMonsieurdeMontalivet，whowascominginwithaplateofmuffins。”Threefrancsforthewindow，”saidthemonarch；”andthemuffinsofcoursespoiled！”andhesatdowntobreakfastverypeevishly。
Ah，KingLouisPhilippe，thatshotcosttheemorethanawindow-
pane——morethanaplateofmuffins——itcosttheeafairkingdomandfiftymillionsoftax-payers。
TheshothadbeenfiredfromFortPotato。”Graciousheavens！”saidthecommanderoftheplacetotheIrishPrince，inafury，”WhathasyourHighnessdone？””Faix，”repliedtheother，”DonegalandI
sawasparrowontheTuileries，andwethoughtwe’dhaveashotatit，that’sall。””Hurroo！lookoutforsqualls，”herecriedtheintrepidHibernian；foratthismomentoneofPaixhans’shellsfellintothecounterscarpofthedemiluneonwhichtheywerestanding，andsentaravelinandacoupleofembrasuresflyingabouttheirears。
FortTwenty-three，whichheldoutforLouisPhilippe，seeingFortTwenty-four，orPotato，openafireontheTuileries，instantlyrepliedbyitsguns，withwhichitblazedawayattheBourbonitefort。Onseeingthis，FortTwenty-twooccupiedbytheImperialists，beganpummellingTwenty-three；Twenty-onebeganatTwenty-two；andinaquarterofanhourthewholeofthisvastlineoffortificationwasinablazeofflame，flashing，roaring，cannonading，rocketing，bombing，inthemosttremendousmanner。Theworldhasneverperhaps，beforeorsince，heardsuchanuproar。Fancytwenty-fourthousandgunsthunderingateachother。Fancytheskyredwiththefiresofhundredsofthousandsofblazing，brazenmeteors；theairthickwithimpenetrablesmoke——theuniversealmostinaflame！forthenoiseofthecannonadingwasheardonthepeaksoftheAndes，andbrokethreewindowsintheEnglishfactoryatCanton。Boom，boom，boom！
forthreedaysincessantlythegigantic——Imaysay，Cyclopeanbattlewenton:boom，boom，boom，bong！Theairwasthickwithcannon-balls:theyhurtled，theyjostledeachotherintheheavens，andfellwhizzing，whirling，crashing，backintotheveryfortsfromwhichtheycame。Boom，boom，boom，bong——brrwrrwrrr！
Ontheseconddayabandmighthavebeenseenhadthesmokepermitteditassemblingatthesally-portofFortPotato，andhavebeenheardifthetremendousclangofthecannonadinghadalloweditgivingmysterioussignsandcountersigns。”Tom，”wasthewordwhispered，”Steele”wasthesibilatedresponse。Itisastonishinghow，intheroarofelements，THEHUMANWHISPERhissesaboveall！
ItwastheIrishBrigadeassembling。”Nowornever，boys！”saidtheirleaders；andstickingtheirdoodeensintotheirmouths，theydroppedstealthilyintothetrenches，heedlessofthebrokenglassandsword-blades；rosefromthosetrenches；formedinsilentorder；
andmarchedtoParis。Theyknewtheycouldarrivethereunobserved——
nobody，indeed，remarkedtheirabsence。
ThefrivolousParisianswere，inthemeanwhile，amusingthemselvesattheirtheatresandcafesasusual；andanewpiece，inwhichArnalperformed，wastheuniversaltalkofthefoyers:whileanewfeuilletonbyMonsieurEugeneSue，kepttheattentionofthereadersofascinatedtothejournal，thattheydidnotcareintheleastforthevacarmewithoutthewalls。
CHAPTERIX。
LOUISXVII。
Thetremendouscannonading，however，hadasingulareffectupontheinhabitantsofthegreatpublichospitalofCharenton，inwhichitmayberememberedLouisXVII。hadbeen，asinmockery，confined。
Hismajestyofdemeanor，hiscalmdeportment，thereasonablenessofhispretensions，hadnotfailedtostrikewithaweandrespecthisfourthousandcomradesofcaptivity。TheEmperorofChina，thePrincessoftheMoon，JuliusCaesar，SaintGenevieve，thepatronsaintofParis，thePopeofRome，theCaciqueofMexico，andseveralsingularandillustriouspersonageswhohappenedtobeconfinedthere，allheldacouncilwithLouisXVII。；andallagreedthatnoworneverwasthetimetosupporthislegitimatepretensionstotheCrownofFrance。Asthecannonsroaredaroundthem，theyhowledwithfuriousdelightinresponse。Theytookcounseltogether:Dr。Pinelandtheinfamousjailers，who，underthenameofkeepers，heldtheminhorriblecaptivity，werepounceduponandovercomeinatwinkling。Thestrait-waistcoatsweretakenofffromthewretchedcaptiveslanguishinginthedungeons；theguardianswereinvestedintheseshamefulgarments，andwithtriumphantlaughterplungedundertheDouches。Thegatesoftheprisonwereflungopen，andtheymarchedforthintheblacknessofthestorm！……
Onthethirdday，thecannonadingwasobservedtodecrease；onlyagunwentofffitfullynowandthen……
Onthefourthday，theParisianssaidtooneanother，”Tiens！ilssontfatigues，lescannoniersdesforts！”——andwhy？Becausetherewasnomorepowder？——Ay，truly，thereWASnomorepowder。
Therewasnomorepowder，nomoreguns，nomoregunners，nomoreforts，nomorenothing。THEFORTSHADBLOWNEACHOTHERUP。Thebattle-roarceased。Thebattle-cloudsrolledoff。Thesilvermoon，thetwinklingstars，lookedblandlydownfromthesereneazure，——andallwaspeace——stillness——thestillnessofdeath。
Holy，holysilence！
Yes:thebattleofPariswasover。Andwherewerethecombatants？
Allgone——notoneleft！——AndwherewasLouisPhilippe？ThevenerablePrincewasacaptiveintheTuileries；theIrishBrigadewasencampedaroundit:theyhadreachedthepalacealittletoolate；itwasalreadyoccupiedbythepartisansofhisMajestyLouisXVII。
ThatrespectablemonarchandhisfollowersbetterknewthewaytotheTuileriesthantheignorantsonsofErin。Theyburstthroughthefeeblebarriersoftheguards；theyrushedtriumphantintothekinglyhallsofthepalace；theyseatedtheseventeenthLouisonthethroneofhisancestors；andtheParisiansreadintheJournaldesDebats，ofthefifthofNovember；animportantarticle，whichproclaimedthatthecivilwarwasconcluded:——”Thetroubleswhichdistractedthegreatestempireintheworldareatanend。Europe，whichmarkedwithsorrowthedisturbanceswhichagitatedthebosomoftheQueenofNations，thegreatleaderofCivilization，maynowrestinpeace。Thatmonarchwhomwehavelongbeensighingfor；whoseimagehaslainhidden，andyetoh！howpassionatelyworshipped，ineveryFrenchheart，iswithusoncemore。Blessingsbeonhim；blessings——athousandblessingsuponthehappycountrywhichisatlengthrestoredtohisbeneficent，hislegitimate，hisreasonablesway！”HisMostChristianMajestyLouisXVII。yesterdayarrivedathispalaceoftheTulleries，accompaniedbyhisaugustallies。HisRoyalHighnesstheDukeofOrleanshasresignedhispostasLieutenant-Generalofthekingdom，andwillreturnspeedilytotakeuphisabodeatthePalaisRoyal。ItisagreatmercythatthechildrenofhisRoyalHighness，whohappenedtobeinthelatefortsroundParis，beforethebombardmentwhichhassohappilyendedintheirdestruction，hadreturnedtotheirfatherbeforethecommencementofthecannonading。Theywillcontinue，asheretofore，tobethemostloyalsupportersoforderandthethrone。”Nonecanreadwithouttearsintheireyesouraugustmonarch’sproclamation。”’Louis，by&c——”’Mychildren！Afterninehundredandninety-nineyearsofcaptivity，Iamrestoredtoyou。ThecycleofeventspredictedbytheancientMagi，andtheplanetaryconvolutionsmentionedinthelostSibyllinebooks，havefulfilledtheirrespectiveidiosyncrasies，andendedasalwaysinthedepthsofmydungeonsIconfidentlyexpectedinthetriumphofthegoodAngel，andtheutterdiscomfitureoftheabominableBlueDragon。”’Whenthebombardingbegan，andthepowersofdarknesscommencedtheirhellishgunpowderevolutions，Iwascloseby——inmypalaceofCharenton，threehundredandthirty-threethousandmilesoff，intheringofSaturn——Iwitnessedyourmisery。Myheartwasaffectedbyit，andIsaid，”Isthemultiplication-tableafiction？arethesignsoftheZodiacmereastronomers’prattle？””’Iclappedchains，shriekinganddarkness，onmyphysician，Dr。
Pinel。ThekeepersIshallcausetoberoastedalive。Isummonedmyalliesroundaboutme。ThehighcontractingPowerscametomybidding:monarchsfromallpartsoftheearth；sovereignsfromtheMoonandotherilluminedorbits；thewhitenecromancers，andthepaleimprisonedgenii。Iwhisperedthemysticsign，andthedoorsflewopen。WeenteredParisintriumph，bytheCharentonbridge。
OurluggagewasnotexaminedattheOctroi。Thebottle-greenoneswerescaredatourshouts，andretreated，howling:theyknewus，andtrembled。”’MyfaithfulPeersandDeputieswillrallyaroundme。IhaveafriendinTurkey——theGrandVizieroftheMussulmans:hewasaProtestantonce——LordBroughambyname。Ihavesenttohimtolegislateforus:heiswiseinthelaw，andastrology，andallsciences；heshallaidmyMinistersintheircouncils。Ihavewrittentohimbythepost。Thereshallbenomoreinfamousmad-
housesinFrance，wherepoorsoulsshiverinstrait-waistcoats。”’IrecognizedLouisPhilippe，mygoodcousin。Hewasinhiscounting-house，countingouthismoney，astheoldprophecywarnedme。Hegavemeupthekeysofhisgold；Ishallknowwellhowtouseit。Taughtbyadversity，Iamnotaspendthrift，neitheramI
amiser。Iwillendowthelandwithnobleinstitutionsinsteadofdiabolicalforts。Iwillhavenomorecannonfounded。Theyareacurseandshallbemelted——theirononesintorailroads；thebronzeonesintostatuesofbeautifulsaints，angels，andwisemen；thecopperonesintomoney，tobedistributedamongmypoor。Iwaspooronce，andIlovethem。”’Thereshallbenomorepoverty；nomorewars；nomoreavarice；nomorepassports；nomorecustom-houses；nomorelying:nomorephysic。”’MyChamberswillputthesealtothesereforms。Iwillit。Iamtheking。
Signed’Louis。’””SomealarmwascreatedyesterdaybythearrivalofabodyoftheEnglishFoot-GuardundertheDukeofJenkins；theywereatfirstabouttosackthecity，butonhearingthatthebannerofthelilieswasoncemoreraisedinFrance，theDukehastenedtotheTuileries，andofferedhisallegiancetohisMajesty。Itwasaccepted:andthePlushGuardhasbeenestablishedinplaceoftheSwiss，whowaitedonformersovereigns。””TheIrishBrigadequarteredintheTuileriesaretoenterourservice。TheircommanderstatesthattheytookeveryoneofthefortsroundParis，andhavingblownthemup，wereproceedingtoreleaseLouisXVII。，whentheyfoundthataugustmonarch，happily，free。NewsoftheirgloriousvictoryhasbeenconveyedtoDublin，tohisMajestytheKingoftheIrish。Itwillbeanewlaureltoaddtohisgreencrown！”
AndthushavewebroughttoaconclusionourhistoryofthegreatFrenchRevolutionof1884。Itrecordstheactionsofgreatandvariouscharacters；thedeedsofvariousvalor；itnarrateswonderfulreversesoffortune；itaffordsthemoralistscopeforhisphilosophy；perhapsitgivesamusementtothemerelyidlereader。Normustthelatterimagine，becausethereisnotaprecisemoralaffixedtothestory，thatitstendencyisotherwisethangood。Heisapoorreader，forwhomhisauthorisobligedtosupplyamoralapplication。Itiswellinspelling-booksandforchildren；itisneedlessforthereflectingspirit。ThedramaofPunchhimselfisnotmoral:butthatdramahashadaudiencesallovertheworld。Happyhe，whoinourdarktimescancauseasmile！
Letuslaughthen，andgladdeninthesunshine，thoughitbebutastherayuponthepool，thatflickersonlyoverthecoldblackdepthsbelow！
COX’SDIARY。
THEANNOUNCEMENT。
Onthe1stofJanuary，1838，IwasthemasterofalovelyshopintheneighborhoodofOxfordMarket；ofawife，Mrs。Cox；ofabusiness，bothintheshavingandcuttingline，establishedthree-
and-thirtyyears；ofagirlandboyrespectivelyoftheagesofeighteenandthirteen；ofathree-windowedfront，bothtomyfirstandsecondpair；ofayoungforeman，mypresentpartner，Mr。
OrlandoCrump；andofthatcelebratedmixtureforthehumanhair，inventedbymylateuncle，andcalledCox’sBohemianBalsamofTokay，soldinpotsattwo-and-threeandthree-and-nine。Thebalsam，thelodgings，andtheold-establishedcuttingandshavingbusinessbroughtmeinaprettygenteelincome。Ihadmygirl，Jemimarann，atHackney，toschool；mydearboy，Tuggeridge，plaitedherhairbeautifully；mywifeatthecounterbehindthetrayofpatentsoaps，&c。cutashandsomeafigureaspossible；anditwasmyhopethatOrlandoandmygirl，whoweremightysoftupononeanother，wouldonedaybejoinedtogetherinHyming，and，conjointlywithmysonTug，carryonthebusinessofhairdresserswhentheirfatherwaseitherdeadoragentleman:foragentlemanmeandMrs。C。determinedIshouldbe。
Jemimawas，yousee，aladyherself，andofveryhighconnections:
thoughherownfamilyhadmetwithcrosses，andwasratherlow。
Mr。Tuggeridge，herfather，keptthefamoustripe-shopnearthe”PigtailandSparrow，”intheWhitechapelRoad；fromwhichplaceI
marriedher；beingmyselfveryfondofthearticle，andespeciallywhensheservedittome——thedearthing！
Jemima’sfatherwasnotsuccessfulinbusiness:andImarriedher，Iamproudtoconfessit，withoutashilling。Ihadmyhands，myhouse，andmyBohemianbalsamtosupporther！——andwehadhopesfromheruncle，amightyrichEastIndiamerchant，who，havingleftthiscountrysixtyyearsagoasacabin-boy，hadarrivedtobetheheadofagreathouseinIndia，andwasworthmillions，weweretold。
ThreeyearsafterJemimarann’sbirthandtwoafterthedeathofmylamentedfather-in-law，TuggeridgeheadofthegreathouseofBudgurowandCo。retiredfromthemanagementofit；handedoverhissharestohisson，Mr。JohnTuggeridge，andcametoliveinEngland，atPortlandPlace，andTuggeridgeville，Surrey，andenjoyhimself。Soonafter，mywifetookherdaughterinherhandandwent，asindutybound，tovisitheruncle:butwhetheritwasthathewasproudandsurly，orshesomewhatsharpinherway，thedeargirlfearsnobody，letmehaveyoutoknow，adesperatequarreltookplacebetweenthem；andfromthatdaytothedayofhisdeath，heneverseteyesonher。Allthathewouldcondescendtodo，wastotakeafewdozenoflavender-waterfromusinthecourseoftheyear，andtosendhisservantstobecutandshavedbyus。Alltheneighborslaughedatthispoorendingofourexpectations，forJemmyhadbraggednotalittle；however，wedidnotcare，fortheconnectionwasalwaysagoodone，andweservedMr。Hock，thevalet；Mr。Bar，thecoachman；andMrs。Breadbasket，thehousekeeper，willinglyenough。Iusedtopowderthefootman，too，ongreatdays，butneverinmylifesawoldTuggeridge，exceptonce:whenhesaid”Oh，thebarber！”tosseduphisnose，andpassedon。
Oneday——onefamousdaylastJanuary——allourMarketwasthrownintoahighstateofexcitementbytheappearanceofnolessthanthreevehiclesatourestablishment。Asme，Jemmy，mydaughter，Tug，andOrlando，weresittingintheback-parloroverourdinneritbeingChristmas-time，Mr。Crumphadtreatedtheladiestoabottleofport，andwaslongingthatthereshouldbeamistletoe-
bough:atwhichproposalmylittleJemimarannlookedasredasaglassofnegus:——wehadjust，Isay，finishedtheport，when，allofasudden，Tugbellowsout，”La，Pa，here’suncleTuggeridge’shousekeeperinacab！”
AndMrs。Breadbasketitwas，sureenough——Mrs。Breadbasketindeepmourning，whomadeherway，bowingandlookingverysad，intothebackshop。Mywife，whorespectedMrs。B。morethananythingelseintheworld，setherachair，offeredheraglassofwine，andvoweditwasverykindofhertocome。”La，mem，”saysMrs。B。，”I’msureI’ddoanythingtoserveyourfamily，forthesakeofthatpoordearTuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge，that’sgone。””That’swhat？”criesmywife。”What，gone？”criedJemimarann，burstingoutcryingaslittlegirlswillaboutanythingornothing；andOrlandolookingveryrueful，andreadytocrytoo。”Yes，gaw——”Justasshewasatthisvery”gaw”Tugroarsout，”La，Pa！here’sMr。Bar，uncleTug’scoachman！”
ItwasMr。Bar。Whenshesawhim，Mrs。Breadbasketsteppedsuddenlybackintotheparlorwithmyladies。”Whatisit，Mr。
Bar？”saysI；andasquickasthought，Ihadthetowelunderhischin，Mr。Barinthechair，andthewholeofhisfaceinabeautifulfoamoflather。Mr。Barmadesomeresistance——”Don’tthinkofit，Mr。Cox，”sayshe；”don’ttroubleyourself，sir。”ButIlatheredawayandneverminded。”Andwhat’sthismelancholyevent，sir，”saysI，”thathasspreaddesolationinyourfamily’sbosoms？Icanfeelforyourloss，sir——Icanfeelforyourloss。”
Isaidsooutofpoliteness，becauseIservedthefamily，notbecauseTuggeridgewasmyuncle——no，assuchIdisownhim。
Mr。Barwasjustabouttospeak。”Yes，sir，”sayshe，”mymaster’sgaw——”whenatthe”gaw”inwalksMr。Hock，theownman！——thefinestgentlemanIeversaw。”What，YOUhere，Mr。Bar！”sayshe。”Yes，Iam，sir；andhaven’tIaright，sir？””Amightywetday，sir，”saysItoMr。Hock——steppingupandmakingmybow。”Asadcircumstancetoo，sir！Andisitaturnofthetongsthatyouwantto-day，sir？Ho，there，Mr。Crump！””Turn，Mr。Crump，ifyouplease，sir，”saidMr。Hock，makingabow:”butfromyou，sir，never——no，never，splitme！——andIwonderhowsomefellowscanhavetheINSOLENCEtoallowtheirMASTERStoshavethem！”Withthis，Mr。Hockflunghimselfdowntobecurled:Mr。
Barsuddenlyopenedhismouthinordertoreply；butseeingtherewasatiffbetweenthegentlemen，andwantingtopreventaquarrel，IrammedtheAdvertiserintoMr。Hock’shands，andjustpoppedmyshaving-brushintoMr。Bar’smouth——acapitalwaytostopangryanswers。
Mr。Barhadhardlybeeninthechaironesecond，whenwhircomesahackney-coachtothedoor，fromwhichspringsagentlemaninablackcoatwithabag。”What，youhere！”saysthegentleman。Icouldnothelpsmiling，foritseemedthateverybodywastobeginbysaying，”What，YOU
here！””YournameisCox，sir？”sayshe；smilingtoo，astheverypatternofmine。”Myname，sir，isSharpus，——Blunt，HoneandSharpus，MiddleTempleLane，——andIamproudtosaluteyou，sir；
happy，——thatistosay，sorrytosaythatMr。Tuggeridge，ofPortlandPlace，isdead，andyourladyisheiress，inconsequence，tooneofthehandsomestpropertiesinthekingdom。”
AtthisIstarted，andmighthavesunktotheground，butformyholdofMr。Bar’snose；Orlandoseemedputrifiedtostone，withhisironsfixedtoMr。Hock’shead；ourrespectivepatientsgaveawinceout:——Mrs。C。，Jemimarann，andTug，rushedfromthebackshop，andweformedasplendidtableausuchasthegreatCruikshankmighthavedepicted。”AndMr。JohnTuggeridge，sir？”saysI。”Why——hee，hee，hee！”saysMr。Sharpus。”Surelyyouknowthathewasonlythe——hee，hee，hee！——thenaturalson！”
YounowcanunderstandwhytheservantsfromPortlandPlacehadbeensoeagertocometous。Oneofthehouse-maidsheardMr。
Sharpussaytherewasnowill，andthatmywifewasheirtotheproperty，andnotMr。JohnTuggeridge:thisshetoldinthehousekeeper’sroom；andoff，assoonastheyheardit，thewholepartyset，inordertobethefirsttobearthenews。
Wekeptthem，everyoneintheiroldplaces；for，thoughmywifewouldhavesentthemabouttheirbusiness，mydearJemimarannjusthinted，”Mamma，youknowTHEYhavebeenusedtogreathouses，andwehavenot；hadwenotbetterkeepthemforalittle？”——Keepthem，then，wedid，toshowushowtobegentlefolks。
IhandedoverthebusinesstoMr。Crumpwithoutasinglefarthingofpremium，thoughJemmywouldhavemademetakefourhundredpoundsforit；butthisIwasabove:Crumphadservedmefaithfully，andhavetheshopheshould。
FIRSTROUT。
Wewerespeedilyinstalledinourfinehouse:butwhat’sahousewithoutfriends？JemmymademeCUTallmyoldacquaintancesintheMarket，andIwasasolitarybeing；when，luckily，anoldacquaintanceofours，CaptainTagrag，wassokindastopromisetointroduceusintodistinguishedsociety。Tagragwasthesonofabaronet，andhaddoneusthehonoroflodgingwithusfortwoyears；whenwelostsightofhim，andofhislittleaccount，too，bytheway。Afortnightafter，hearingofourgoodfortune，hewasamongusagain，however；andJemmywasnotalittlegladtoseehim，knowinghimtobeabaronet’sson，andveryfondofourJemimarann。Indeed，OrlandowhoisasbraveasalionhadononeoccasionabsolutelybeatenMr。Tagragforbeingrudetothepoorgirl:aclearproof，asTagragsaidafterwards，thathewasalwaysfondofher。
Mr。Crump，poorfellow，wasnotverymuchpleasedbyourgoodfortune，thoughhedidallhecouldtotryatfirst；andItoldhimtocomeandtakehisdinnerregular，asifnothinghadhappened。
ButtothisJemimaverysoonputastop，forshecameveryjustlytoknowherstature，andtolookdownonCrump，whichshebidherdaughtertodo；and，afteragreatscene，inwhichOrlandoshowedhimselfveryrudeandangry，hewasforbiddenthehouse——forever！
SomuchforpoorCrump。TheCaptainwasnowallinallwithus。”Yousee，sir，”ourJemmywouldsay，”weshallhaveourtownandcountrymansion，andahundredandthirtythousandpoundsinthefunds，toleavebetweenourtwochildren；and，withsuchprospects，theyoughtsurelytohavethefirstsocietyofEngland。”TothisTagragagreed，andpromisedtobringusacquaintedwiththeverypinkofthefashion；ay，andwhat’smore，did。
First，hemademywifegetanopera-box，andgivesuppersonTuesdaysandSaturdays。Asforme，hemademerideinthePark:meandJemimarann，withtwogroomsbehindus，whousedtolaughalltheway，andwhoseverybeardsIhadshaved。AsforlittleTug，hewassentstraightofftothemostfashionableschoolinthekingdom，theReverendDoctorPigney’s，atRichmond。
Well，thehorses，thesuppers，theopera-box，theparagraphsinthepapersaboutMr。CoxeCoxethat’stheway:doubleyournameandstickan”e”totheendofit，andyouareagentlemanatonce，hadaneffectinawonderfullyshortspaceoftime，andwebegantogetaveryprettysocietyaboutus。SomeofoldTug’sfriendssworetheywoulddoanythingforthefamily，andbroughttheirwivesanddaughterstoseedearMrs。Coxeandhercharminggirl；
andwhen，aboutthefirstweekinFebruary，weannouncedagranddinnerandballfortheeveningofthetwenty-eighth，Iassureyoutherewasnowantofcompany:no，noroftitlesneither；anditalwaysdoesmyheartgoodeventohearonementioned。
Letmesee。Therewas，first，myLordDunboozle，anIrishpeer，andhissevensons，theHonorableMessieursTrumpertwoonlytodinner:therewasCountMace，thecelebratedFrenchnobleman，andhisExcellencyBaronvonPunterfromBaden；therewasLadyBlancheBluenose，theeminentliterati，authorof”TheDistrusted””TheDistorted，””TheDisgusted，””TheDisreputableOne，”andotherpoems；therewastheDowagerLadyMaxandherdaughter，theHonorableMissAdelaideBlueruin；SirCharlesCodshead，fromtheCity；andField-MarshalSirGormanO’Gallagher，K。A。，K。B。，K。C。，K。W。，K。X。，intheserviceoftheRepublicofGuatemala:myfriendTagragandhisfashionableacquaintance，littleTomTufthunt，madeuptheparty。Andwhenthedoorswereflungopen，andMr。Hock，inblack，withawhitenapkin，threefootmen，coachman，andaladwhomMrs。C。haddressedinsugar-loafbuttonsandcalledapage，wereseenroundthedinner-table，allinwhitegloves，IpromiseyouI
feltathrillofelation，andthoughttomyself——SamCox，SamCox，whoeverwouldhaveexpectedtoseeyouhere？
Afterdinner，therewastobe，asIsaid，anevening-party；andtothisMessieursTagragandTufthunthadinvitedmanyoftheprincipalnobilitythatourmetropolishadproduced。WhenI
mention，amongthecompanytotea，herGracetheDuchessofZero，hersontheMarquisofFitzurse，andtheLadiesNorthPoleherdaughters；whenIsaythattherewereyetOTHERS，whosenamesmaybefoundintheBlueBook，butshan’t，outofmodesty，bementionedhere，IthinkI’vesaidenoughtoshowthat，inourtime，No。96，PortlandPlace，wastheresortofthebestofcompany。
Itwasourfirstdinner，anddressedbyournewcook，MunseerCordongblew。Iboreitverywell；eating，formyshare，afillydysolallamaterdotell，acutletsoubeast，apullybashymall，andotherFrenchdishes:and，forthefriskysweetwine，withtintopstothebottles，calledChampang，ImustsaythatmeandMrs。Coxe-
TuggeridgeCoxedrankaverygoodshareofitbuttheClaretandJonnysberger，beingsour，wedidnotmuchrelish。However，thefeed，asIsay，wentoffverywell:LadyBlancheBluenosesittingnexttome，andbeingsogoodastoputmedownforsixcopiesofallherpoems；theCountandBaronvonPunterengagingJemimarannforseveralwaltzes，andtheField-MarshalplyingmydearJemmywithChampagne，until，blessher！herdearnosebecameasredashernewcrimsonsatingown，which，withablueturbanandbird-of-
paradisefeathers，madeherlooklikeanempress，Iwarrant。
Well，dinnerpast，Mrs。C。andtheladieswentoff:——thunder-under-
undercametheknocksatthedoor；squeedle-eedle-eedle，Mr。
Wippert’sfiddlersbegantostrikeup；and，abouthalf-pasteleven，meandthegentsthoughtithightimetomakeourappearance。I
feltaLITTLEsqueamishatthethoughtofmeetingacoupleofhundredgreatpeople；butCountMaceandSirGormanO’Gallaghertakingeachanarm，wereached，atlast，thedrawing-room。
Theyoungonesincompanyweredancing，andtheDuchessandthegreatladieswereallseated，talkingtothemselvesverystately，andworkingawayattheicesandmacaroons。IlookedoutformyprettyJemimarannamongstthedancers，andsawhertearingroundtheroomalongwithBaronPunter，inwhattheycallagallypard；
thenIpeepedintothecircleoftheDuchesses，where，incourse，I
expectedtofindMrs。C。；butshewasn’tthere！Shewasseatedatthefurtherendoftheroom，lookingverysulky；andIwentupandtookherarm，andbroughtherdowntotheplacewheretheDuchesseswere。”Oh，notthere！”saidJemmy，tryingtobreakaway。”Nonsense，mydear，”saysI:”youaremissis，andthisisyourplace。”ThengoinguptoherladyshiptheDuchess，saysI，”Meandmymissisaremostproudofthehonorofseeingofyou。”
TheDuchessatallred-hairedgrenadierofawomandidnotspeak。
Iwenton:”Theyoungonesareallatit，ma’am，yousee；andsowethoughtwewouldcomeandsitdownamongtheoldones。YouandI，ma’am，Ithink，aretoostifftodance。””Sir！”saysherGrace。”Ma’am，”saysI，”don’tyouknowme？Myname’sCox。Nobody’sintroducedme；but，dashit，it’smyownhouse，andImaypresentmyself——sogiveusyourhand，ma’am。”
AndIshookhersinthekindestwayintheworld；but——wouldyoubelieveit？——theoldcatscreamedasifmyhandhadbeenahot’tater。”Fitzurse！Fitzurse！”shoutedshe，”help！help！”UpscuffledalltheotherDowagers——inrushedthedancers。”Mamma！
mamma！”squeakedLadyJuliaNorthPole。”Leadmetomymother，”
howledLadyAurorer:andbothcameupandflungthemselvesintoherarms。”Wawt’stheraw？”saidLordFitzurse，saunteringupquitestately。”Protectmefromtheinsultsofthisman，”saysherGrace。”Where’sTufthunt？hepromisedthatnotasoulinthishouseshouldspeaktome。””MydearDuchess，”saidTufthunt，verymeek。”Don’tDuchessME，sir。Didyounotpromisetheyshouldnotspeak；
andhasn’tthathorridtipsywretchofferedtoembraceme？Didn’thismonstrouswifesickenmewithherodiousfamiliarities？Callmypeople，Tufthunt！Followme，mychildren！””Andmycarriage，””Andmine，””Andmine！”shoutedtwentymorevoices。Anddowntheyalltroopedtothehall:LadyBlancheBluenoseandLadyMaxamongtheveryfirst；leavingonlytheField-Marshalandoneortwomen，whoroaredwithlaughterreadytosplit。”Oh，Sam，”saidmywife，sobbing，”whywouldyoutakemebacktothem？theyhadsentmeawaybefore！IonlyaskedtheDuchesswhethershedidn’tlikerum-shrubbetterthanallyourMaxarinosandCurasosos:and——wouldyoubelieveit？——allthecompanyburstoutlaughing；andtheDuchesstoldmejusttokeepoff，andnottospeaktillIwasspokento。Imperence！I’dliketotearhereyesout。”
AndsoIdobelievemydearestJemmywould！
ADAYWITHTHESURREYHOUNDS。
OurballhadfailedsocompletelythatJemmy，whowasbentstilluponfashion，caughteagerlyatTagrag’ssuggestion，andwentdowntoTuggeridgeville。Ifwehadadifficultytofindfriendsintown，heretherewasnone:forthewholecountycameaboutus，ateourdinnersandsuppers，dancedatourballs——ay，andspoketoustoo。Weweregreatpeopleinfact:Iaregularcountrygentleman；
andassuch，JemmyinsistedthatIshouldbeasportsman，andjointhecountyhunt。”But，”saysI，”mylove，Ican’tride。””Pooh！
Mr。C。”saidshe，”you’realwaysmakingdifficulties:youthoughtyoucouldn’tdanceaquadrille；youthoughtyoucouldn’tdineatseveno’clock；youthoughtyoucouldn’tlieinbedaftersix；andhaven’tyoudoneeveryoneofthesethings？Youmustandyoushallride！”AndwhenmyJemmysaid”mustandshall，”Iknewverywelltherewasnothingforit:soIsentdownfiftyguineastothehunt，and，outofcomplimenttome，theverynextweek，IreceivednoticethatthemeetofthehoundswouldtakeplaceatSquashtailCommon，justoutsidemylodge-gates。
Ididn’tknowwhatameetwas；andmeandMrs。C。agreedthatitwasmostprobablethedogsweretobefedthere。However，Tagragexplainedthismattertous，andverykindlypromisedtosellmeahorse，adelightfulanimalofhisown；which，beingdesperatelypressedformoney，hewouldletmehaveforahundredguineas，hehimselfhavinggivenahundredandfiftyforit。
Well，theThursdaycame:thehoundsmetonSquashtailCommon；Mrs。
C。turnedoutinherbarouchetoseeusthrowoff；and，beinghelpeduponmychestnuthorse，Trumpeter，byTagragandmyheadgroom，Icamepresentlyroundtojointhem。
Tagmountedhisownhorse；and，aswewalkeddowntheavenue，”I
thought，”hesaid，”youtoldmeyouknewhowtoride；andthatyouhadriddenoncefiftymilesonastretch！””AndsoIdid，”saysI，”toCambridge，andontheboxtoo。””ONTHEBOX！”sayshe；”butdidyouevermountahorsebefore？””Never，”saysI，”butIfinditmightyeasy。””Well，”sayshe，”you’remightyboldforabarber；andIlikeyou，Coxe，foryourspirit。”Andsowecameoutofthegate。
Asfordescribingthehunt，Iown，fairly，Ican’t。I’vebeenatahunt，butwhatahuntis——whythehorsesWILLgoamongthedogsandridethemdown——whythemencryout”yooooic”——whythedogsgosnuffingaboutinthreesandfours，andthehuntsmansays，”GoodTowler——goodBetsy，”andweallofusafterhimsay，”GoodTowler——
goodBetsy”incourse:then，afterhearingayelphereandahowlthere，tow，row，yow，yow，yow！burstout，allofasudden，fromthreeorfourofthem，andthechapinavelvetcapscreechesoutwithanumberofoathsIshan’trepeathere，”Hark，toRingwood！”
andthen，”Therehegoes！”sayssomeone；andallofasudden，helterskelter，skurryhurry，slapbang，whooping，screechingandhurraing，blue-coatsandred-coats，baysandgrays，horses，dogs，donkeys，butchers，baro-knights，dustmen，andblackguardboys，gotearingalltogetheroverthecommonaftertwoorthreeofthepackthatyowlloudest。Whyallthisis，Ican’tsay；butitalltookplacethesecondThursdayoflastMarch，inmypresence。
Uptothis，I’dkeptmyseataswellasthebest，forwe’donlybeentrottinggentlyaboutthefielduntilthedogsfound；andI
managedtostickonverywell；butdirectlythetow-rowingbegan，offwentTrumpeterlikeathunderbolt，andIfoundmyselfplayingamongthedogslikethedonkeyamongthechickens。”Back，Mr。
Coxe，”holloasthehuntsman；andsoIpulledveryhard，andcriedout，Wo！”buthewouldn’t；andonIwentgallopingforthedearlife。HowIkeptonisawonder；butIsqueezedmykneesinverytight，andshovedmyfeetveryhardintothestirrups，andkeptstiffholdofthescruffofTrumpeter’sneck，andlookedbetwixthisearsaswellaseverIcould，andtrustedtoluck:forIwasinamortalfright，sureenough，asmanyabettermanwouldbeinsuchacase，letaloneapoorhairdresser。
Asforthehounds，aftermyfirstridinginamongthem，Itellyouhonestly，Ineversawsomuchasthetipofoneoftheirtails；
nothinginthisworlddidIseeexceptTrumpeter’sdun-coloredmane，andthatIgrippedfirm:riding，bytheblessingofluck，safethroughthewalking，thetrotting，thegalloping，andneversomuchasgettingatumble。
TherewasachapatCroydonverywellknownasthe”SpicyDustman，”
who，whenhecouldgetnohorsetoridetothehounds，turnedregularlyoutonhisdonkey；andonthisoccasionmadeoneofus。
Hegenerallymanagedtokeepupwiththedogsbytrottingquietlythroughthecross-roads，andknowingthecountrywell。Well，havingagoodguesswherethehoundswouldfind，andthelinethatslyReynoldsastheycallthefoxwouldtake，theSpicyDustmanturnedhisanimaldownthelanefromSquashtailtoCutshinsCommon；
acrosswhich，sureenough，camethewholehunt。There’sasmallhedgeandaremarkablyfineditchhere:someoftheleadingchapstookboth，ingallantstyle；otherswentroundbyagate，andsowouldI，onlyIcouldn’t；forTrumpeterwouldhavethehedge，andbehangedtohim，andwentrightforit。
Hoop！ifeveryouDIDtryaleap！Outgoyourlegs，outflingyourarms，offgoesyourhat；andthenextthingyoufeel——thatis，I
did——isamosttremendousthwackacrossthechest，andmyfeetjerkedoutofthestirrups:meleftinthebranchesofatree；
Trumpetergonecleanfromunderme，andwallopingandflounderingintheditchunderneath。Oneofthestirrup-leathershadcaughtinastake，andthehorsecouldn’tgetaway:andneitherofus，I
thought，everWOULDhavegotaway:butallofasudden，whoshouldcomeupthelanebuttheSpicyDustman！”Holloa！”saysI，”yougent，justletusdownfromthisheretree！””Lor’！”sayshe，”I’mblestifIdidn’ttakeyouforarobin。””Let’sdown，”saysI；buthewasallthetimeemployedindisengagingTrumpeter，whomhegotoutoftheditch，tremblingandasquietaspossible。”Let’sdown，”saysI。”Presently，”sayshe；andtakingoffhiscoat，hebeginswhistlingandswishingdownTrumpeter’ssidesandsaddle；andwhenhehadfinished，whatdoyouthinktherascaldid？——hejustquietlymountedonTrumpeter’sback，andshoutsout，”Gitdownyourself，oldBearsgrease；you’veonlytodrop！I’LL
giveyour’ossahairingarterthem’ounds；andyou——vy，youmayridebackmyponytoTuggeridgeweal！”Andwiththis，I’mblestifhedidn’trideaway，leavingmeholding，asforthedearlife，andexpectingeveryminutethebranchwouldbreak。
ItDIDbreaktoo，anddownIcameintotheslush；andwhenIgotoutofit，IcantellyouIdidn’tlookmuchliketheVenusesortheApollorBelvideariswhatIusedtodressandtitivateupformyshopwindowwhenIwasinthehairdressingline，orsmellquitesoelegantasourrose-oil。Faugh！whatafigureIwas！
Ihadnothingforitbuttomountthedustman’sdonkeywhichwasveryquietlycroppinggrassinthehedge，andtomakemywayhome；
andafteraweary，wearyjourney，Iarrivedatmyowngate。
Awholepartywasassembledthere。Tagrag，whohadcomeback；
theirExcellenciesMaceandPunter，whowereonavisit；andanumberofhorseswalkingupanddownbeforethewholeofthegentlemenofthehunt，whohadcomeinafterlosingtheirfox！”Here’sSquireCoxe！”shoutedthegrooms。Outrushedtheservants，outpouredthegentsofthehunt，andontrottedpoorme，diggingintothedonkey，andeverybodydyingwithlaughteratme。
JustasIgotuptothedoor，ahorsecamegallopingup，andpassedme；amanjumpeddown，andtakingoffafantailhat，cameup，verygravely，tohelpmedown。”Squire，”sayshe，”howcameyoubythattherehanimal？Jistgitdown，willyou，andgiveittoitshowner？””Rascal！”saysI，”didn’tyourideoffonmyhorse？””Wasthereeversichingratitude？”saystheSpicy。”Ifoundthisyear’ossinapond，Isaveshimfromdrowning，Ibringshimbacktohismaster，andhecallsmearascal！”
Thegrooms，thegents，theladiesinthebalcony，myownservants，allsetuparoaratthis；andsowouldI，onlyIwassodeucedlyashamed，asnottobeabletolaughjustthen。
Andsomyfirstday’shuntingended。TagragandtherestdeclaredIshowedgreatpluck，andwantedmetotryagain；but”No，”saysI，”IHAVEbeen。”
THEFINISHINGTOUCH。
Iwasalwaysfondofbilliards:and，informerdays，atGrogram’sinGreekStreet，whereafewjollyladsofmyacquaintanceusedtomeettwiceaweekforagame，andasnugpipeandbeer，Iwasgenerallyvotedthefirstmanoftheclub；andcouldtakefivefromJohnthemarkerhimself。Ihadagenius，infact，forthegame；
andnowthatIwasplacedinthatstationoflifewhereIcouldcultivatemytalents，Igavethemfullplay，andimprovedamazingly。
IdosaythatIthinkmyselfasgoodahandasanychapinEngland。
TheCountandhisExcellencyBaronvonPunterwere，Icantellyou，astonishedbythesmartnessofmyplay:thefirsttwoorthreerubbersPunterbeatme，butwhenIcametoknowhisgame，Iusedtoknockhimalltosticks；or，atleast，winsixgamestohisfour:
andsuchwasthebettinguponme；hisExcellencylosinglargesumstotheCount，whoknewwhatplaywas，andusedtobackme。Ididnotplayexceptforshillings，somyskillwasofnogreatservicetome。