I。
I’mnotatlibbatytodivuljthereelnamesofthe2EroesoftheigstrawnyTailwhichIamabowttorelaittothoseunlightndpaytronsofletaratureandtrueconnyshuresofmerrit——thegreatBrittishpublic——ButIpledjmyvaracitythatthissinglarstoryofrewmanticlove，absobbingpashn，andlikewiseofGENTEELLIFE，is，inthemainfax，TREW。ThesuckmstanzasIeludeto，ocurdintherainofourpresntGratiousMadjistyandherbeluvdandroilConcertPrinceHalbert。
Welthen。Sometimeintheseazenof18——morIdarnotrewheel
therearrivedinthismetropulus，persekndclassoftheLondonandDoverRailway，anellygantyoungforinggentleman，whomIshalldanomminateMunseerJoolsDeChacabac。
Havingreadthrough”TheVickerofWackfield”inthesameoridganalEnglishtunginwhichthisveryharticleIwriteiswrotetoo，andhalwaysbeenremarkyble，bothatcollidgeandintheestamminy，forhisaytredandorrorofperfidgusHalbion，MunseerJoolswasconsideredbytheprapriretorsofthenewspaperinwhichhewrote，atParris，theverymantocometothiscountry，igsaminitsmannersandcustoms，castaniuponthepolitticleandfinalshlestatoftheHempire，andigsposethemackynationsoftheinfyamousPalmerston，andtheebomminableSirPill——bothenemiesofFrance；
asiseveryotherBrittenofthatgreat，gloarus，libberal，andpeasablecountry。Inoneword，JoolsdeChacabacwasapenny-a-
liner。”IwillgoseewithmyownI’s，”hesaid，”thatinfimushilandofwhichtheinnabitantsareshopkeepers，gorgedwithroastbeefandtreason。IwillgoandseethemurderersoftheHirish，thepisonersoftheChynese，thevillianswhoputtheHemperortodeathinSaintyleany，theartfuldodgeswhowishtosmotherEuropewiththeircotton，andcan’tsleeporrestheasyforhenvyandhatredofthegreatinwinsableFrenchnation。Iwilligsammin，facetoface，thesehottyinsularies；IwillpennytrateintothesecretsoftheirJessywhitticklecabinet，andbeardPalmerstoninhisdenn。”WhenhejumptonshoratFoaxtonafterhavingbeentremenguouslysickinthefourcabbing，heexclaimed，”Enfinjetetiens，Ilemaudite！
jetecrachealafigure，vieilleAngleterre！Jetefouleamespiedsannomdumondeoutrage，”andsoproseadedtoinwadethemetropulus。
Ashewishttomickswiththeverychicestsosiaty，andgitthebestofinfamationaboutthiscountry，MunseerJoolsofcoarsewentandlodgdinLesterSquare——LesterSquarr，ashecallsit——which，ashewasinfommedintheprintedsuckularpresentedtohimbyaverygreasybutpolitecomishnerattheCustumusStares，wasinthescenterofthetown，contiggustotheOusesofParlyment，theprinspletheayters，theparx，St。JamsPallice，andtheCortsofLor。”Icansurwheythemallatonecutoftheeye，”Joolsthought；”theSovring，theinfamusMinistersplottingthedestructionofmyimmortialcountry；thebusinessandpleasureofthesepusprondLondonersandaristoxy；Icanlookroundandseeall。”Sohetookathree-pairbackinaFrenchhotel，the”Hoteldel’Ail，”kepbyMonsieurGigotot，CranbourneStreet，LesterSquarr，London。
Inthisotellthere’sabilliard-roomonthefirstfloor，andatabble-doatateighteenpencepereddat5o’clock；andthelandlord，whokemintoJools’sroomsmoakingasegar，toldtheyounggentthatthehousewasfriquentedbyalltheBrittishnobillaty，whoreglartooktheirdinnersthere。”Theycan’tebidetheirownquiseen，”hesaid。”You’llseewhatadinnerwe’llserveyouto-
day。”Joolswroteofftohispaper——”ThemembersofthehaughtyandluxuriousEnglisharistocracy，likealltherestoftheworld，areobligedtoflytoFrancefortheindulgenceoftheirluxuries。ThenoblesofEngland，quittingtheirhomes，theirwives，miladiesandmistriss，sofairbutsocold，dineuniversallyatthetavern。ThatfromwhichIwriteisfrequentedbyPeelandPalmerston。IfremistothinkthatImaymeetthemattheboardto-day。”
Singlartosay，PeelandPalmerstondidn’tdineatthe”Hoteldel’Ail”onthatevening。”It’squiteigstronnarytheydon’tcome，”
saidMunseerdel’Ail。”Perapsthey’reingagedatsomeboxing-matchorsomecombawdecock，”MunseerJoolssejested；andthelandlordegreedthatwasverylikely。
InsteddofEnglishtherewas，however，plentyofforingsociaty，ofeverynationunderthesun。Mostofthenoblemenweregreathamaturesofhaleandporter。Thetableclothwasmarkedoverwithbrownsuckles，madebythepewter-potsonthatandthepreviousdays。”Itistheusagehere，”wroteJoolstohisnewspaper，”amongtheAnglaisofthefashonnetoabsorbimmensequantitiesofaleandporterduringtheirmeals。Thesestupefying，butcheap，andnotunpalatableliquorsareservedinshiningpewtervessels。Amugoffoaminghafanafsoacertainsortofbeeriscalledwasplacedbythesideofmostoftheconvives。IwasdisappointedofseeingSirPeel:hewasengagedtoacombatofcockswhichoccursatWindsor。”
NotonewordofEnglishwasspokeduringthisdinner，excepwhenthegentlemensaid”Garsongdel’afanaf，”butJoolwasverymuchpleasedtomeettheeleetoftheforingersintown，andasktheiropinionaboutthereelstateofthinx。WasitlikelythatthebishopsweretobeturnedoutoftheChambredesCommunes？WasittruethatLorPalmerstonhadboxedwithLorBroghammintheHouseofLords，untiltheyweresepparaytedbytheLorMaire？WhowastheLorMaire？Wasn’thePremierMinister？andwasn’ttheArchevequedeCantorberyaQuaker？Hegotanswerstothesequestionsfromthevariousgentsroundaboutduringthedinner——
which，heremarked，wasverymuchlikeaFrenchdinner，onlydirtier。Andhewroteoffalltheinfamationhegottohisnewspaper。”TheLordMaire，LordLansdowne，isPremierMinistre。HisGracehashisdwellingintheCity。TheArchbishopofCantaberyisnotturnedQuaker，assomepeoplestated。Quakersmaynotmarry，norsitintheChamberofPeers。TheminorbishopshaveseatsintheHouseofCommons，wheretheyareattackedbythebitterpleasantriesofLordBrougham。Aboxerisinthehouse；hetaughtPalmerstonthescienceofthepugilate，whoconferreduponhimtheseat，”&c。&c。
Hiswritinghover，JoolscamedownandadagaymatpoolwithtwoPoles，aBulgian，and2ofhisowncountrymen。Thisbeingdoneamidstmorehafanaf，withoutwhichnothinkisdoneinEngland，andastherewasnoFrenchplaythatnight，he&thetwoFrenchgentswalkedroundandroundLesterSquarrsmokingsegawsinthefacesofotherFrenchgentswhoweresmoaking2。AndtheytalkedaboutthegranjerofFranceandtheperfidgusnessofEngland，andlookedatthealuminatedpicturofMadameWhartonasHaryadneytillbedtime。
Butbeforheslep，hefinishedhisletteryoumaybesure，andcalledithis”FustImprestiunsofAnglyterre。””Mindandwakemeearly，”hesaidtoBoots，theonyBrittishsubjectinthe”Hoteldel’Ail，”andwhothereforedidn’tunderstandhim。”IwishtobeatSmithfieldat6hourstoseeTHE
MENSELLTHEIRWIVES。”Andtheyoungroagfellasleep，thinkingwhatsortofaonehe’dbuy。
ThiswasthewayJoolspassedhisdays，andgotinfamationaboutHenglandandtheHenglish——walkingroundandroundLesterSquarrallday，andeverydaywiththesamecompany，occasionallydewussifiedbyanOprerChorus-singeroraJewortwo，andeveryafternoonintheQuadrantadmiringthegentealsosiatythere。
MunseerJoolswasnotoverwellfunnishtwithpocket-money，andsohispleasurewasofthegratissortcheafly。
Well，onedayasheandafriendwastakingtheirturnamongthearistoxyundertheQuadrant——theywerestruckallofaheapbyseeing——But，stop！whoWASJools’sfriend？Hereyouhavepicturesofboth——buttheIstoryofJools’sfriendmustbekepforanotherinnings。
II。
NotfurfromthatknowbleandcheerflieSquearwhichMunseerJoolsdeChacabachadselactedforhiseboadinLondon——notfur，Isay，fromLesterSquarr，isarainjeofbildingscalledPipping’sBuildings，leadingtoBlueLionCourt，leadingtoSt。Martin’sLane。YouknowPipping’sBuildingsbyitsgreatestornament，anamandbeefoucewhereJoolshasoftenstoodadmiringthedegstaratyofthecarvera-cuttinthevarousjints，andbythelittlefishmungur’s，whereyouremarkthemouldylobsters，thefly-blownpicklesammon，theplaybills，andthegingybearbottlesinthewindow——aboveall，bythe”Constantinople”Divan，kepbytheMissesMordeky，andwellknowntoeveryloverof”aprimesigawandanexlentcupofreelMokyCoffyfor6d。”
TheConstantinopleDivannisgreatlyusedbytheforinggentsofLesterSquar。IneveradthegoodfortntopassdownPipping’sBuildingswithoutseeingahafaduzenof’emonthethresholeoftheextablishment，givingthestreetanoppertunityoftestingtheodaroftheMissesMordeky’sprimeAvannas。Twoorthreemormaybevisableinside，settnonthecounterorthechestis，indulgingintheirfav’ritwhead，therichandspisyPickwhick，theripeManilly，ortheflagrantandarheumaticQby。”TheseDivannsare，asisverywellknown，theknightlyresottoftheyoungHenglishnobillaty。ItisearayoungPier，afteranarjusdayattheHouseofCommons，solazeshimselfwithaglasofgin-and-waterthenationalbeveridge，withcheerfulconversationontheewentsoftheday，orwithanarmlessgaymofbaggytellintheback-parlor。”
SowroteatleastourfriendJoolstohisnewspaper，theHorriflam；
andofthisback-parlorandbaggytell-bord，ofthiscounter，ofthis”Constantinople”Divan，hebecamealmostasreglarafrequenterastheplasterofParishTurkwhositssmokingahookeybetweenthetwobluecoffee-cupsinthewinder。
Ihaveoftin，smokinmyownshrootinsilentsinacorneroftheDiwann，listenedtoJoolsandhisfriendsinwayingaginstHingland，andboastinoftheirownimmortialcountry。HowtheydidgoonaboutWellintun，andwhatanartycontamptheyadforhim！——howtheyusedtoprovethatFrancewastheLight，theScenter-pint，theIgsampleandhadmirationofthewholeworld！AndthoughIscarcelytakeaFrenchpapernow-a-daysIlivedinearlydaysasgroominaFrenchfamlythreeyears，andthereforeknowsthelanguidg，though，Isay，youcan’ttakeupJools’spaper，theOrriflam，withoutreadinthataministerhascommittedbriberyandperjury，orthatalitterymanhascommittedperjuryandmurder，orthataDukehasstabbedhiswifeinfiftyplaces，orsomestoryequallyhorrible；yetforallthatit’sadmiraltoseehowtheFrenchgentswillswagger——howtheywillbethescentersofcivilization——howtheywillbetheIgsamplesofEurop，andnothinkshallprevent’em——
knowingtheywillhaveit，IsayIlisten，smokinmypipinsilence。Buttoourtail。
Reglareveryeveningtherecametothe”Constantanople”ayounggentetiredintheigthoffashn；andindeadpresentingbythecleanlynessofhisappearantsandlinningwhichwasgenerallyapinkorblewshurt，withacricketeroradansusepatternratheracontrasttothedinjyandwhistkcardsosaityoftheDiwann。Asforwiskars，thisyoungmannhadnonebeyondalittleyallowtoughttohischin，whichyouwoodnnotas，onlyhewasalwayspullingatit。
Hisstatuewasdiminnative，buthiscoschumesupubb，forhehadthetippiestJaneboots，theivoryheadestcanes，themostgawjusscarlickJonvilleties，andthemostScotch-plaidesttrowseys，ofanycustomerofthatestablishment。HewasunivusalycalledMilord。”Queestcejeuneseigneur？Whoisthisyounghurlwhocomesknightlytothe’Constantanople，’whoissoproddiglofhisgoldforindeedtheyounggentwouldfrequinlypropoasegininwatertothecompany，andwhodrinkssomuchgin？”askedMunseerChacabacofafriendfromthe”Hoteldel’Ail。””HisnameisLordYardham，”answeredthatfriend。”Henevercomesherebutatnight——andwhy？””Y？”igsclaimedJools，istonisht。”Why？becauseheisengaygdallday——anddoyouknowwhereheisengaygdallday？””Where？”askedJools。”AttheForingOffice——NOWdoyoubegintounderstand？”——Joolstrembled。
Hespeaksofhisuncle，theheadofthatoffice——”WhoIStheheadofthatoffis？——Palmerston。””ThenephewofPalmerston！”saidJools，almostinafit。”LorYardhampretendsnottospeakFrench，”theotherwenton。”Hepretendshecanonlysayweeandcommongportyvoo。Shallowhumbug！——Ihavemarkedhimduringourconversations——WhenwehavespokenofthegloryofFranceamongthenations，Ihaveseenhiseyekindle，andhisperfidiouslipcurlwithrage。Whentheyhavediscussedbeforehim，theImprudents！theaffairsofEurope，andRaggybritchovichhasshownusthenextCircassianCampaign，orSapousnehaslaidharetheplanoftheCalabrianpatriotsforthenextinsurrection，Ihavemarkedthisstranger——thisLorYardham。
Hesmokes，’tistoconcealhiscountenance；hedrinksgin，’tistohidehisfaceinthegoblet。Andbesure，hecarrieseverywordofourconversationtotheperfidiousPalmerston，hisuncle。””Iwillbeardhiminhisden，”thoughtJools。”Iwillmeethimcorps-a-corps——thetyrantofEuropeshallsufferthroughhisnephew，andIwillshoothimasdeadasDujarrier。”
WhenLorYardhamcametothe”Constantanople”thatnight，Joolsi’dhimsavidgelyfromeddtofoot，whileLordYardhamrepliedthesame。Itwasn’tmuchforeithertodo——neytherbeingmorethan4
foottenhi——JoolswasagrannydearinhiscompanyoftheNashnalGard，andwasasbrayvasalion。”Ah，l’Angleterre，l’Angleterre，tunousdoisunerevanche，”saidJools，crossinghisarmsandgrindinghisteethatLordYardham。”Wee，”saidLordYardham；”wee。””DelendaestCarthago！”howledoutJools。”Oh，wee，”saidtheErlofYardham，andatthesamemomenthisglasofginawatercomingin，hetookadrink，saying，”Avoternsanty，Munseer:”andthenheoffereditlikeamanoffashntoJools。
AlightbroakonJools’smindasheigseptedtherefreshmint。”Sapoase，”hesaid，”insteddofslaughteringthisnephewoftheinfamousPalmerston，Iextracthissecretsfromhim；supposeIpumphim——supposeIunveilhisschemesandsendthemtomypaper？LaFrancemayhearthenameofJoolsdeChacabac，andthestarofhonormayglitteronmybosom。”
SoaxeptingLordYardham’scortasy，hereturneditbyorderinganotherglassofginathisownexpence，andtheybothdrankitonthecounter，whereJoolstalkedoftheaffaersofEuropallnight。
Toeverythinghesaid，theEarlofYardhamanswered，”Wee，wee；”
exceptattheendoftheevening，whenhesqueegedhis&andsaid，”Bongswore。””There’snothinglikegoinamongst’emtoequirethereelpronounciation，”hislordshipsaid，ashelethimselfintohislodgingswithhislatch-key。”Thatwasaveryeloquentyounggentatthe’Constantinople，’andI’llpatronizehim。””Ah，perfide，jetedemasquerai！”Joolsremarkedtohimselfashewenttobedinhis”Hoteldel’Ail。”Andtheymetthenextnight，andfromthatheavningtheyoungmenwerecontinyuallytogether。
Well，oneday，astheywerewalkingintheQuadrant，Joolstalking，andLordYardhamsaying，”Wee，wee，”theywerestruckallofaheapbyseeing——
Butmypaperisigshosted，andImustdixcribewhattheysorinthenexnumber。
III。
THECASTLEOFTHEISLANDOFFOGO。
ThetravlerwhopesewshisdaliteflecoarsethroughthefairrellumofFranseasagreatromanticlandskippistandneamsackofmindwouldsayneverchaumedhisi’swithinasitemorelovely，orvu’dapallismoremagniffizntthanthatwhichwasthebuthplaceoftheEroingofthisTrewTale。PhansyacountrythroughwhosewerdantplanestheselveryGaronnewines，like——likeabenevvolentsarpent。
Initsplasidbusumantientcassles，picturaskwillidges，andwavingwoodsarereflected。Purplehills，crowndwithinteakruings；rivviletsbabblingthroughgentlegreenwoods；wightfarmouses，hevvywithhoverhangingvines，andfromwhichtheappyandpeasefulokupiercancasthisglansovergooldenwavingcornfealds，andM。Heraldmeddowsinwhichthelazycattlearegraysinn；whilethesheppard，tendinghissnoughyflox，wilesawaytheleisuremominxonhisloot——thesehofferbutaphaintpicturoftherurialfelissatyinthemidstofwidgeCrinolineandHesteriadeViddlerswerebawn。
TheirPar，theMarcusdeViddlers，ShavilearoftheLegendofHonorandoftheLionofBulgum，theGoldenFlease，GrandCrossoftheEflantandCastle，andoftheCatinbagpipesofHostria，GrandChamberlengoftheCrownd，andMajor-GenarilofHoss-Mareens，&c。
&c。&c——isthetwenty-fothorfithMarquisthathasbawntheTittle；isdisendedlenyallyfromKingPipping，andhasalmostasantientapaddygreeasanywhichtheOllywellStreetfrendsoftheMemberofBuckinumsheercansupply。
HisMarchyniss，thelovely&ecomplishtEmilydeSt。Cornichon，quittedthismortialspearverysoonaftershehadpresentedherlordwiththetwolittledawlingCherrybinsabovedixcribed，inwhomb，afterthelossofthatanglehiswife，thedisconslitwiddererfoundhisonlyjyonhuth。Inallhisemusemintstheyecumpaniedhim；theiredjacationwashissolebisniss；heatcheaveditwiththeassistnceoftheugliestandmostlernidmasters，andthemosthidjusandegsimplarygoverniceswhichmoneycouldprocure。R，howmusthispeturnlearthavebet，astheseBudds，whichhehadnurrisht，bustintobuty，andtwinedinbloomingflagranceroundhispirentleBusm！
ThevillidgesallroundhishancestralAllsblessedtheMarcusandhislovelyhoffsprig。Notonevillidgeintheirnaybroodbutwasedawnedbytheirelygintbenifisns，andwheretheinhabitntswern’trenderedappy。Itwasapatternpheasantry。Alltheoldmeninthedistrickwerewertuous&tockative，adredstockinsandi-eeleddrabshoes，andbeautifulsnowyair。Alltheoldwomenhadpeakedats，andcrookedcains，andchincegownstuckedintothepockitsoftheirquiltidpetticoats；theysatinpictaraskporches，pretendintospinn，whiletheladsandlassisofthevillidgesdanstunderthehellums。O，tisanoblesighttowhitnissthatofanappypheasantry！NotoneofthoserusticwassalsoftheOuseofWiddlers，butadhisaircurledandhisshirt-sheavestiedupwithpinkribbingasheledtothemacydancesomeappycountrygal，withablackvelvitboddiceandareddoryallerpetticoat，ahormylucrossonherneck，andasilverharrowinherair！
WhentheMarcus&theryoungladiescametothevillidgeitwouldhavedonethei’softheflanthropistgoodtoseehowallreseaved’em！Thelittlechildrenscatteredcalicoflowersontheirpath，thesnowy-airedoldmenwithredfacesandrinklestookofftheirbrownpaperatstoslewtthenobleMarcus。Youngandoldledthemtoawoodnbankpaintedtolooklikeabowerofroses，andwhentheyweresettdowndanstballysbeforethem。O’twasanoblesitetoseetheMarcustoo，smilinellygintwithfethersinhiseddandallhisstarson，andtheyoungMarchynisseswiththeirploomes，andtrains，andlittlecoronicks！
Theylivedintremenjussplendorathomeintheirpyturnlealls，andhadnoendofpallises，willers，andtownandcountryresadences；buttheirfayvoritresadencewascalledtheCastleoftheIslandofFogo。
AddIthepennofthehawtherofaCodlingsbyhimself，Icoodntdixcribethegawjusnessoftheiraboad。Theyaddtwenty-fourfootmeninlivery，besidesaboyincodroysfortheknives&shoes。
Theyhadninemeelsaday——Shampayneandpineappleswereservedtoeachoftheyoungladiesinbedbeforetheygotup。WasitPrawns，Sherry-cobblers，lobster-salids，ormaidsofhonor，theyhadbuttoringthebellandcallforwhattheychose。Theyhadtwonewdresseseveryday——onetorideoutintheopencarriage，andanothertoappearinthegardensoftheCastleoftheIslandofFogo，whichwereilluminatedeverynightlikeVoxhall。TheyoungnoblemenofFranceweretherereadytodancewiththem，andfestifsuppersconcludidthejawyusnight。
ThustheylivedinellygantratirementuntilMissfortunebustuponthishappyfammaly。EtachedtohisPrincesandabommanatingtheojusLewyphlip，theMarcuswasconspiringforthebenefickofthehelderbranchoftheBorebones——andwhatwastheconsquince？——OnenightafleatpresenteditselfroundtheCastleoftheIslandofFogo——andskeweringonlyacoupleofchestsofjewils，theMarcusandthetwoyoungladiesindisgyise，fledfromthatislandofbliss。Andwhitherfledthey？——ToEngland！——Englandtheomeofthebrave，therefugeoftheworld，wheretheporeslaveneversettshisfootbutheisfree！
Suchwastheramantictailwhichwastoldto2friendsofoursbytheMarcusdeViddlershimself，whosedaughters，walkingwiththeirpagefromUngerfordMarketwheretheyhadbeentopurchisapaperofsrimpsfortheumblesupperoftheirnoblefather，Yardhamandhisequaintnce，MunseerJools，hadremarkedandadmired。
ButhowhadthosetwoyoungErowsbecomeequaintedwiththenobleMarcus？——Thatisamistrywemustelucydateinafuturvollam。
THESTARSANDSTRIPES。
THEAUTHOROR”THELASTOFTHEMULLIGANS，””PILOT，”ETC
I。
TheKingofFrancewaswalkingontheterraceofVersailles；thefairest，notonlyofQueens，butofwomen，hungfondlyontheRoyalarm；whilethechildrenofFrancewereindulgingintheirinfantilehilarityinthealleysofthemagnificentgardenofLeNotrefromwhichNiblo’sgardenhasbeencopiedinourownEmpirecityofNewYork，andplayingatleap-frogwiththeiruncle，theCountofProvence；gaudycourtiers，emlazonedwithorders，glitteredinthegroves，andmurmuredfrivoloustalkintheearsofhigh-bredbeauty。”Marie，mybeloved，”saidtherulerofFrance，takingouthiswatch，”’tistimethattheMinisterofAmericashouldbehere。””YourMajestyshouldknowthetime，”repliedMarieAntoinette，archly，andinanAustrianaccent；”isnotmyRoyalLouisthefirstwatchmakerinhisempire？”
TheKingcastapleasedglanceathisrepeater，andkissedwithcourtlygracethefairhandofherwhohadmadehimthecompliment。”MyLordBishopofAutun，”saidhetoMonsieurdeTalleyrandPerigord，whofollowedtheroyalpair，inhisqualityofarch-
chamberlainoftheempire，”Iprayyoulookthroughthegardens，andtellhisExcellencyDoctorFranklinthattheKingwaits。”TheBishopranoff，withmorethanyouthfulagility，toseektheUnitedStates’Minister。”TheseRepublicans，”headded，confidentially，andwithsomethingofasuperciliouslook，”arebutrudecourtiers，methinks。””Nay，”interposedthelovelyAntoinette，”rudecourtiers，Sire，theymaybe；buttheworldboastsnotofmoreaccomplishedgentlemen。IhaveseennograndeeofVersaillesthathasthenoblebearingofthisAmericanenvoyandhissuite。TheyhavetherefinementoftheOldWorld，withallthesimpleeleganceoftheNew。Thoughtheyhaveperfectdignityofmanner，theyhaveanengagingmodestywhichIhaveneverseenequalledbythebestoftheproudEnglishnobleswithwhomtheywagewar。IamtoldtheyspeaktheirverylanguagewithagracewhichthehaughtyIslanderswhooppressthemneverattained。Theyareindependent，yetneverinsolent；elegant，yetalwaysrespectful；andbrave，butnotintheleastboastful。””What！savagesandall，Marie？”exclaimedLouis，laughing，andchuckingthelovelyQueenplayfullyundertheroyalchin。”ButherecomesDoctorFranklin，andyourfriendtheCaciquewithhim。”
Infact，asthemonarchspoke，theMinisteroftheUnitedStatesmadehisappearance，followedbyagiganticwarriorinthegarbofhisnativewoods。
KnowinghisplaceasMinisterofasovereignstate，yieldingeventhenindignitytonone，asitsurpassesallnowindignity，invalor，inhonesty，instrength，andcivilization，theDoctornoddedtotheQueenofFrance，butkepthishatonashefacedtheFrenchmonarch，anddidnotceasewhittlingthecanehecarriedinhishand。”Iwaswaitingforyou，sir，”theKingsaid，peevishly，inspiteofthealarmedpressurewhichtheQueengavehisroyalarm。”ThebusinessoftheRepublic，sire，musttakeprecedenceevenofyourMajesty’swishes，”repliedDr。Franklin。”WhenIwasapoorprinter’sboyandranerrands，noladcouldbemorepunctualthanpoorBenFranklin；butallotherthingsmustyieldtotheserviceoftheUnitedStatesofNorthAmerica。Ihavedone。Whatwouldyou，Sire？”andtheintrepidrepublicaneyedthemonarchwithasereneandeasydignity，whichmadethedescendantofSt。Louisfeelillatease。”Iwishedto——tosayfarewelltoTatuabeforehisdeparture，”saidLouisXVI。，lookingratherawkward。”Approach，Tatua。”AndthegiganticIndianstrodeup，andstoodundauntedbeforethefirstmagistrateoftheFrenchnation:againthefeeblemonarchquailedbeforetheterriblesimplicityoftheglanceofthedenizenoftheprimaevalforests。
TheredoubtedchiefoftheNose-ringIndianswasdecoratedinhiswar-paint，andinhistop-knotwasapeacock’sfeather，whichhadbeengivenhimoutofthehead-dressofthebeautifulPrincessofLamballe。Hisnose，fromwhichhungtheornamentfromwhichhisferocioustribetookitsdesignation，waspaintedalight-blue，acircleofgreenandorangewasdrawnroundeacheye，whileserpentinestripesofblack，white，andvermilionalternatelyweresmearedonhisforehead，anddescendedoverhischeek-bonestohischin。Hismanlychestwassimilarlytattooedandpainted，androundhisbrawnyneckandarmshunginnumerablebraceletsandnecklacesofhumanteeth，extractedoneonlyfromeachskullfromthejawsofthosewhohadfallenbytheterribletomahawkathisgirdle。Hismoccasins，andhisblanket，whichwasdrapedonhisarmandfellinpicturesquefoldstohisfeet，werefringedwithtuftsofhair——theblack，thegray，theauburn，thegoldenringletofbeauty，theredlockfromtheforeheadoftheScottishortheNorthernsoldier，thesnowytressofextremeoldage，theflaxendownofinfancy——allwerethere，dreadfulreminiscencesofthechief’striumphsinwar。Thewarriorleanedonhisenormousrifle，andfacedtheKing。”AnditwaswiththatcarabinethatyoushotWolfein’57？”saidLouis，eyingthewarriorandhisweapon。”’Tisaclumsylock，andmethinksIcouldmendit，”headdedmentally。”ThechiefoftheFrenchpale-facesspeakstruth，”Tatuasaid。”Tatuawasaboywhenhewentfirstonthewar-pathwithMontcalm。””AndshotaWolfeatthefirstfire！”saidtheKing。”TheEnglisharebraves，thoughtheirfacesarewhite，”repliedtheIndian。”TatuashottheragingWolfeoftheEnglish；buttheotherwolvescausedthefoxestogotoearth。”AsmileplayedroundDr。
Franklin’slips，ashewhittledhiscanewithmorevigorthanever。”Ibelieve，yourExcellency，TatuahasdonegoodserviceelsewherethanatQuebec，”theKingsaid，appealingtotheAmericanEnvoy:”atBunker’sHill，atBrandywine，atYorkIsland？NowthatLafayetteandmybraveFrenchmenareamongyou，yourExcellencyneedhavenofearbutthatthewarwillfinishquickly——yes，yes，itwillfinishquickly。Theywillteachyoudiscipline，andthewaytoconquer。””KingLouisofFrance，”saidtheEnvoy，clappinghishatdownoverhishead，andputtinghisarmsa-kimbo，”wehavelearnedthatfromtheBritish，towhomwearesuperiorineverything:andI’dhaveyourMajestytoknowthatintheartofwhippingtheworldwehavenoneedofanyFrenchlessons。IfyourreglarsjineGeneralWashington，’tistolarnfromHIMhowBritishersarelicked；forI’mblestifYUknowthewayyet。”
Tatuasaid，”Ugh，”andgavearattlewiththebuttofhiscarabine，whichmadethetimidmonarchstart；theeyesofthelovelyAntoinetteflashedfire，butitplayedroundtheheadofthedauntlessAmericanEnvoyharmlessasthelightningwhichheknewhowtoconjureaway。
TheKingfumbledinhispocket，andpulledoutaCrossoftheOrderoftheBath。”YourExcellencywearsnohonor，”themonarchsaid；”butTatua，whoisnotasubject，onlyanally，oftheUnitedStates，may。NobleTatua，IappointyouKnightCompanionofmynobleOrderoftheBath。WearthiscrossuponyourbreastinmemoryofLouisofFrance；”andtheKingheldoutthedecorationtotheChief。
UptothatmomenttheChief’scountenancehadbeenimpassible。Nolookeitherofadmirationordislikehadappeareduponthatgrimandwar-paintedvisage。Butnow，asLouisspoke，Tatua’sfaceassumedaglanceofineffablescorn，as，bendinghishead，hetookthebauble。”Iwillgiveittooneofmysquaws，”hesaid。”Thepapoosesinmylodgewillplaywithit。Come，Medecine，Tatuawillgoanddrinkfire-water；”and，shoulderinghiscarabine，heturnedhisbroadbackwithoutceremonyuponthemonarchandhistrain，anddisappeareddownoneofthewalksofthegarden。FranklinfoundhimwhenhisowninterviewwiththeFrenchChiefMagistratewasover；beingattractedtothespotwheretheChiefwas，bythecrackofhiswell-knownrifle。Hewaslaughinginhisquietway。HehadshottheColoneloftheSwissGuardsthroughhiscockade。
Threedaysafterwards，asthegallantfrigate，the”Repudiator，”
wassailingoutofBrestHarbor，thegiganticformofanIndianmightbeseenstandingonthebinnacleinconversationwithCommodoreBowie，thecommanderofthenobleship。ItwasTatua，theChiefoftheNose-rings。
II。
LeatherlegsandTomCoxswaindidnotaccompanyTatuawhenhewenttotheParisianmetropolisonavisittothefatheroftheFrenchpale-faces。NeithertheLegsnortheSailorcaredforthegayetyandthecrowdofcities；thestoutmariner’shomewasintheputtock-shroudsoftheold”Repudiator。”ThesternandsimpletrapperlovedthesoundofthewatersbetterthanthejargonoftheFrenchoftheoldcountry。”IcanfollowthetalkofaPawnee，”hesaid，”orwagmyjaw，ifsobenecessitybidsmetospeak，byaSioux’scouncil-fireandIcanpatterCanadianFrenchwiththehunterswhocomeforpeltriestoNachitochesorThichimuchimachy；
butfromthetongueofaFrenchwoman，withwhiteflouronherhead，andwar-paintonherface，theLorddeliverpoorNattyPumpo。””Amenandamen！”saidTomCoxswain。”Therewasawomaninouraft-
scupperswhenIwenta-whalininthelittle’Grampus’——andLordloveyou，Pumpo，youpoorland-swab，sheWASasprettyacraftaseverdowsedatarpauling——therewasawomanonboardthe’Grampus，’
whobeforewe’dstruckourfirstfish，orbiledourfirstblubber，setthewholecrewinamutiny。Imindmeofhernow，Natty，——hereyewassichapiercerthatyoucouldseetosteerbyitinaNewfoundlandfog；hernosestoodoutlikethe’Grampus’s’jibboom，andherwoice，Lordloveyou，herwoicesingsinmyearsevennow:——
itsettheCaptaina-quarrelinwiththeMate，whowashangedinBostonharborforharpooninofhisofficerinBaffin’sBay；——itsetmeandBobBuntinga-pouringbroadsidesintoeachother’soldtimbers，whereasmeandBobwasworthallthewomenthatevershippedahawser。Itcostmethreeyears’payasI’dstowedawayfortheoldmother，andmighthavecostmeeversomuchmore，onlybadlucktome，shewentandmarriedalittletailoroutofNantucket；andI’vehatedwomenandtailorseversince！”Ashespoke，thehardytardashedadropofbrinefromhistawnycheek，andoncemorebetookhimselftosplicethetaffrail。
ThoughthebravefrigatelayoffHavredeGrace，shewasnotidle。
ThegallantBowieandhisintrepidcrewmaderepeateddescentsupontheenemy’sseaboard。ThecoastsofRutlandandmerryLeicestershirehavestillmanyalegendoffeartotell；andthechildrenoftheBritishfishermentrembleevennowwhentheyspeakoftheterrible”Repudiator。”ShewasthefirstofthemightyAmericanwar-shipsthathavetaughtthedomineeringBritontorespectthevaloroftheRepublic。
Thenovelisteverandanonfindshimselfforcedtoadoptthesternertoneofthehistorian，whendescribingdeedsconnectedwithhiscountry’striumphs。ItiswellknownthatduringthetwomonthsinwhichshelayoffHavre，the”Repudiator”hadbroughtmoreprizesintothatportthanhadeverbeforebeenseenintheastonishedFrenchwaters。Heractionswiththe”Dettingen”andthe”Elector”frigatesformpartofourcountry’shistory；theirdefence——itmaybesaidwithoutprejudicetonationalvanity——wasworthyofBritonsandoftheaudaciousfoetheyhadtoencounter；
anditmustbeowned，thatbutforahappyfortunewhichpresidedonthatdayoverthedestiniesofourcountry，thechanceofthecombatmighthavebeeninfavoroftheBritishvessels。Itwasnotuntilthe”Elector”blewup，ataquarterpastthreeP。M。，byaluckyshotwhichfellintohercaboose，andcommunicatedwiththepowder-magazine，thatCommodoreBowiewasenabledtolayhimselfonboardthe”Dettingen，”whichhecarriedswordinhand。EvenwhentheAmericanboardershadmadetheirlodgmentonthe”Dettingen’s”
binnacle，itispossiblethatthebattlewouldstillhavegoneagainstus。TheBritishwerestillseventoone；theircarronades，loadedwithmarline-spikes，sweptthegun-deck，ofwhichwehadpossession，anddecimatedourlittleforce；whenarifle-ballfromtheshroudsofthe”Repudiator”shotCaptainMumfordunderthestaroftheGuelphicOrderwhichhewore，andtheAmericans，withashout，rushedupthecompaniontothequarter-deck，upontheastonishedfoe。Pikeandcutlassdidtherestofthebloodywork。
Rumford，thegiganticfirst-lieutenantofthe”Dettingen，”wascutdownbyCommodoreBowie’sownsword，astheyengagedhandtohand；
anditwasTomCoxswainwhotoredowntheBritishflag，afterhavingslaintheEnglishmanatthewheel。Peacebetothesoulsofthebrave！Thecombatwashonorablealiketothevictorandthevanquished；anditnevercanbesaidthatanAmericanwarriordepreciatedagallantfoe。Thebitternessofdefeatwasenoughtothehaughtyislanderswhohadtosuffer。ThepeopleofHerneBaywereliningtheshore，nearwhichthecombattookplace，andcruelmusthavebeenthepangtothemwhentheysawtheStarsandStripesriseovertheoldflagoftheUnion，andthe”Dettingen”falldowntheriverintowoftheRepublicanfrigate。
AnotheractionBowiecontemplated:theboldestandmostdaringperhapseverimaginedbyseaman。ItisthiswhichhasbeensowronglydescribedbyEuropeanannalists，andofwhichtheBritishuntilnowhavemaintainedthemostjealoussecrecy。
PortsmouthHarborwasbadlydefended。Ourintelligenceinthattownandarsenalgaveuspreciseknowledgeofthedispositionofthetroops，theforts，andtheshipsthere；anditwasdeterminedtostrikeablowwhichshouldshaketheBritishpowerinitscentre。
Thatafrigateofthesizeofthe”Repudiator”shouldentertheharborunnoticed，orcouldescapeitsgunsunscathed，passedthenotionsofevenAmericantemerity。Butuponthememorable26thofJune，1782，the”Repudiator”sailedoutofHavreRoadsinathickfog，undercoverofwhichsheenteredandcastanchorinBonchurchBay，intheIsleofWight。TosurprisetheMartelloTowerandtakethefeeblegarrisonthereunder，wastheworkofTomCoxswainandafewofhisblue-jackets。Thesurprisedgarrisonlaiddowntheirarmsbeforehim。
Itwasmidnightbeforetheboatsoftheship，commandedbyLieutenantBunker，pulledofffromBonchurchwithmuffledoars，andinanotherhourwereofftheCommonHardofPortsmouth，havingpassedthechallengesofthe”Thetis”andthe”Amphion”frigates，andthe”Polyanthus”brig。
TherehadbeenonthatdaygreatfeastingandmerrimentonboardtheFlag-shiplyingintheharbor。AbanquethadbeengiveninhonorofthebirthdayofoneoftheprincesoftheroyallineoftheGuelphs——thereaderknowsthepropensityofBritonswhenliquorisinplenty。Allonboardthatroyalshipweremoreorlessovercome。TheFlag-shipwasplungedinadeathlikeanddrunkensleep。Theveryofficerofthewatchwasintoxicated:hecouldnotseethe”Repudiator’s”boatsastheyshotswiftlythroughthewaters；norhadhetimetochallengeherseamenastheyswarmedupthehugesidesoftheship。
AtthenextmomentTomCoxswainstoodatthewheelofthe”RoyalGeorge”——theBritonwhohadguarded，acorpseathisfeet。Thehatchesweredown。Theshipwasinpossessionofthe”Repudiator’s”
crew。Theywerebusyinherrigging，bendinghersailstocarryheroutoftheharbor。Thewell-knownheaveofthemenatthewindlasswokeupKempenfeltinhisstate-cabin。Weknow，orratherdonotknow，theresult；forwhocantellbywhomthelower-deckportsofthebraveshipwereopened，andhowthehaughtyprisonersbelowsunktheshipanditsconquerorsratherthanyieldherasaprizetotheRepublic！
OnlyTomCoxswainescapedofvictorsandvanquished。HistalewastoldtohisCaptainandtoCongress，butWashingtonforbadeitspublication；anditwasbutlatelythatthefaithfulseamantoldittome，hisgrandson，onhishundred-and-fifteenthbirthday。
APLANFORAPRIZENOVEL。
INALETTERFROMTHEEMINENTDRAMATISTBROWNTOTHEEMINENT
NOVELISTSNOOKS。”CAFEDESAVEUGLES。”MYDEARSNOOKS，——Iamonthelook-outhereformaterialsfororiginalcomediessuchasthoselatelyproducedatyourtheatre；
and，inthecourseofmystudies，Ihavefoundsomething，mydearSnooks，whichIthinkwillsuityourbook。Youarebringing，I
see，youradmirablenovel，’TheMysteriesofMayFair，’toanend——
bytheway，thescene，inthe200thnumber，betweentheDuke，hisGrandmother，andtheJesuitButler，isoneofthemostharrowingandexcitingIeverread——and，ofcourse，youmustturnyourrealgeniustosomeotherchannel；andwemayexpectthatyourpenshallnotbeidle。”TheoriginalplanIhavetoproposetoyou，then，istakenfromtheFrench，justliketheoriginaldramasabovementioned；and，indeed，IfounditinthelawreportoftheNationalnewspaper，andaFrenchliterarygentleman，M。EmanuelGonzales，hasthecreditoftheinvention。Heandanadvertisementagentfelloutaboutaquestionofmoney，theaffairwasbroughtbeforethecourts，andthelittleplotsogotwind。Butthereisnoreasonwhyyoushouldnottaketheplotandactonityourself。Youareaknownman；thepublicrelishesyourworks；anythingbearingthenameofSnooksiseagerlyreadbythemasses；andthoughMessrs。Hookey，ofHolywellStreet，payyouhandsomely，Imakenodoubtyouwouldliketoberewardedatastillhigherfigure。”Unlesshewriteswithapurpose，youknow，anovelistinourdaysisgoodfornothing。Thisonewriteswithasocialistpurpose；
thatwithaconservativepurpose:thisauthororauthoresswiththemostdelicateskillinsinuatesCatholicismintoyou，andyoufindyourselfallbutaPapistinthethirdvolume:anotherdoctorsyouwithLowChurchremediestoworkinwardlyuponyou，andwhichyouswallowdownunsuspiciously，aschildrendocalomelinjelly。
Fictionadvocatesallsortsoftruthandcauses——doesn’tthedelightfulbardoftheMinoriesfindMosesineverything？M。
Gonzales’splan，andtheonewhichIrecommendtomydearSnooks，simplywastowriteanadvertisementnovel。LookoverTheTimesorthe’Directory，’walkdownRegentStreetorFleetStreetanyday——
seewhathousesadvertisemost，andputyourselfintocommunicationwiththeirproprietors。Withyourrings，yourchains，yourstuds，andthetiponyourchin，Idon’tknowanygreaterswellthanBobSnooks。Walkintotheshops，Isay，askfortheprincipal，andintroduceyourself，saying，’IamthegreatSnooks；Iamtheauthorofthe”MysteriesofMayFair；”myweeklysaleis281，000；Iamabouttoproduceanewworkcalled”ThePalacesofPimlico，ortheCurseoftheCourt，”describingandlashingfearlesslythevicesofthearistocracy；thisbookwillhaveasaleofatleast530，000；itwillbeoneverytable——intheboudoirofthepamperedduke，asinthechamberofthehonestartisan。ThemyriadsofforeignerswhoarecomingtoLondon，andareanxioustoknowaboutournationalmanners，willpurchasemybook，andcarryittotheirdistanthomes。So，Mr。Taylor，orMr。Haberdasher，orMr。Jeweller，howmuchwillyoustandifIrecommendyouinmyforthcomingnovel？’
Youmaymakeanobleincomeinthisway，Snooks。”Forinstance，supposeitisanupholsterer。Whatmoreeasy，whatmoredelightful，thanthedescriptionofupholstery？Asthus:——”’LadyEmilywasrecliningononeofDownandEider’svoluptuousottomans，theonlycouchonwhichBelgravianbeautynowreposes，whenLordBathershinsentered，steppingnoiselesslyoveroneofTomkins’selasticAxminstercarpets。”Goodheavens，mylord！”shesaid——andthelovelycreaturefainted。TheEarlrushedtothemantel-piece，wherehesawaflaconofOtto’seau-de-Cologne，and，’
&c。”Orsayit’sacheapfurniture-shop，anditmaybebroughtinjustaseasily，asthus:——”’Wearepoor，Eliza，’saidHarryHardhand，lookingaffectionatelyathiswife，’butwehaveenough，love，havewenot，forourhumblewants？TherichandluxuriousmaygotoDillow’sorGobiggin’s，butwecangetourroomscomfortablyfurnishedatTimmonson’sfor20L。’Andputtingonherbonnet，andhangingaffectionatelyonherhusband，thestoker’sprettybridetrippedgaylytothewell-knownmart，whereTimmonson，withinhisusualaffability，wasreadytoreceivethem。”Thenyoumighthaveatouchatthewine-merchantandpurveyor。
’Wheredidyougetthisdeliciousclaret，orpatedefoisgras，orwhatyouplease？’saidCountBlagowskitothegayyoungSirHoraceSwellmore。ThevoluptuousBartanswered，’AtSo-and-So’s，orSo-
and-So’s。’Theanswerisobvious。Youmayfurnishyourcellaroryourlarderinthisway。Begad，Snooks！Ilickmylipsattheveryidea。”Then，astotailors，milliners，bootmakers，&c。，howeasytogetawordforthem！Amranson，thetailor，waiteduponLordPaddingtonwithanassortmentofhisunrivalledwaistcoats，orcladinthatsimplebutaristocraticstyleofwhichSchneiderALONEhasthesecret。ParvyNewcomereallylookedlikeagentleman，andthoughcorpulentandcrooked，Schneiderhadmanagedtogivehim，&c。
Don’tyouseewhatastrokeofbusinessyoumightdointhisway。”Theshoemaker——LadyFannyflew，ratherthandanced，acrosstheball-room；onlyaSylphide，orTaglioni，oraladychausseedbyChevillettofBondStreetcouldmoveinthatfairyway；and”Thehairdresser——’CountBarbarossaisseventyyearsofage，’saidtheEarl。’IrememberhimattheCongressofVienna，andhehasnotasinglegrayhair。’Wigginslaughed。’MygoodLordBaldock，’
saidtheoldwag，’IsawBarbarossa’shaircomingoutofDucroissant’sshop，andunderhisvalet’sarm——ho！ho！ho！’——andthetwobon-vivanschuckledastheCountpassedby，talkingwith，&c。&c。”Thegunmaker——’Theantagonistsfacedeachother；andundismayedbeforehisgiganticenemy，Kilconnelraisedhispistol。ItwasoneofClicker’smanufacture，andSirMarmadukeknewhecouldtrustthemakerandtheweapon。”One，two，THREE，”criedO’Tool，andthetwopistolswentoffatthatinstant，andutteringaterrificcurse，theLifeguardsman，’&c——Asentenceofthisnaturefromyourpen，mydearSnooks，would，Ishouldthink，bringacaseofpistolsandadouble-barrelledguntoyourlodgings；and，thoughheavenforbidyoushouldusesuchweapons，youmightsellthem，youknow，andwecouldmakemerrywiththeproceeds。”Ifmyhintisofanyusetoyou，itisquiteatyourservice，dearSnooks；andshouldanythingcomeofit，Ihopeyouwillrememberyourfriend。”
THEDIARYOFC。JEAMESDELAPLUCHE，ESQ。，WITHHISLETTERS。
ALUCKYSPECULATOR。”ConsiderablesensationhasbeenexcitedintheupperandlowercirclesintheWestEnd，byastartlingpieceofgoodfortunewhichhasbefallenJamesPlush，Esq。，latelyfootmaninarespectedfamilyinBerkeleySquare。”Onedaylastweek，Mr。Jameswaiteduponhismaster，whoisabankerintheCity；andafteralittleblushingandhesitation，saidhehadsavedalittlemoneyinservice，wasanxioustoretire，andtoinvesthissavingstoadvantage。”Hismasterwebelievewemaymention，withoutoffendingdelicacy，thewell-knownnameofSirGeorgeFlimsy，ofthehouseofFlimsy，Diddler，andFlash，smilinglyaskedMr。Jameswhatwastheamountofhissavings，wonderingconsiderablyhow，outofanincomeofthirtyguineas——themainpartofwhichhespentinbouquets，silkstockings，andperfumery——Mr。Plushcouldhavemanagedtolaybyanything。”Mr。Plush，withsomehesitation，saidhehadbeenSPECULATINGIN
RAILROADS，andstatedhiswinningstohavebeenthirtythousandpounds。Hehadcommencedhisspeculationswithtwenty，borrowedfromafellow-servant。HehaddatedhislettersfromthehouseinBerkeleySquare，andhumblybeggedpardonofhismasterfornothavinginstructedtheRailwaySecretarieswhoansweredhisapplicationstoapplyatthearea-bell。”SirGeorge，whowasatbreakfast，instantlyrose，andshookMr。P。
bythehand；LadyFlimsybeggedhimtobeseated，andpartakeofthebreakfastwhichhehadlaidonthetable；andhassubsequentlyinvitedhimtohergranddejeuneratRichmond，whereitwasobservedthatMissEmilyFlimsy，herbeautifulandaccomplishedseventhdaughter，paidtheluckygentlemanMARKEDATTENTION。”WehearitstatedthatMr。P。isofaveryancientfamilyHugodelaPluchecameoverwiththeConqueror；andthenewbroughamwhichhehasstartedbearstheancientcoatofhisrace。”HehastakenapartmentsintheAlbany，andisadirectorofthirty-threerailroads。HeproposestostandforParliamentatthenextgeneralelectionondecidedlyconservativeprinciples，whichhavealwaysbeenthepoliticsofhisfamily。”Reportsays，thateveninhishumblecapacityMissEmilyFlimsyhadremarkedhishighdemeanor。Well，’Nonebutthebrave，’saywe，’deservethefair。’”——MorningPaper。
Thisannouncementwillexplainthefollowinglines，whichhavebeenputintoourbox*withaWestEndpost-mark。If，aswebelieve，theyarewrittenbytheyoungwomanfromwhomtheMillionnaireborrowedthesumonwhichheraisedhisfortune，whatheartwillnotmeltwithsympathyathertale，andpitythesorrowswhichsheexpressesinsuchartlesslanguage？
Ifitbenottoolate；ifwealthhavenotrendereditspossessorcallous；ifpoorMaryanneBESTILLALIVE；wetrust，wetrust，Mr。
Plushwilldoherjustice。
*Theletter-boxofMr。Punch，inwhosecolumnsthesepaperswerefirstpublished。”JEAMESOFBUCKLEYSQUARE。”AHELIGY。”Comeallyegentsvotcleanstheplate，Comeallyeladiesmaidssofair——
VileIastoryvillrelateOfcruelJeamesofBuckleySquare。
Atighterlad，itisconfest，Neervalkedwithpowderinhisair，Orvoreanosegayinhisbreast，ThanandsumJeamesofBuckleySquare。”OEvns！itvasthebestofsights，BehindhisMaster’scoachandpair，ToseeourJeamesinredplushtights，AdrivinghofffromBuckleySquare。
Hevelbecamehishagwilletts，HecockedhisatwithSUCHahair；
HiscalvesandviskersVASsuchpets，ThathalllovedJeamesofBuckleySquare。”Hepleasedthehup-stairsfolksasvell，Ando！Ivitheredvithdespair，MissisVOULDringtheparlerbell，AndcallupJeamesinBuckleySquare。
Bothbeerandsperritsheabhord，SperritsandbeerIcan’tabear，
YouwouldhavethoughthevasalordDowninourAllinBuckleySquare。”Lastyearhevisper’d’MaryAnn，VenI’veanunder’dpoundtospare，Totakeapublicismyplan，AndleavethishojousBuckleySquare。’
Ohowmygentleheartdidbound，TothinkthatIhisnameshouldbear。
’DearJeames。’saysI，’I’vetwentypound；
AndgevthemhiminBuckleySquare。”OurmastervasaCitygent，Hisname’sinrailroadseverywhere，Andlord，votlotsoflettersventBetwigsthisbrokersandBuckleySquare:
MyJeamesitwastheletterstook，Andreadthemall，Ithinkit’sfair，
AndtookaleaffromMaster’sbook，AsHOTHERSdoinBuckleySquare。
Encouragedwithmytwentypound，OfwhichpoorIwasunavare，HewrotetheCompaniesallround，AndsignedhisselffromBuckleySquare。
AndhowJohnPorterusedtogrin，Asdaybyday，shareaftershare，Camerailvayletterspouringin，’J。Plush，Esquire，inBuckleySquare。’”Ourservants’Allwasinarage——
Scrip，stock，curves，gradients，bullandbear，Vithbutler，coachman，groomandpage，VasallthetalkinBuckleySquare。
ButO！imaginevotIfeltLastVensdayveekaseverwere；
Igitsaletter，whichIspelt’MissM。A。Hoggins，BuckleySquare。’”Hesentmebackmymoneytrue——
Hesentmebackmylockofair，Andsaid，’Mydear，IbidajewToMaryHannandBuckleySquare。
Thinknottomarry，foolishHann，Withpeoplewhoyourbettersare；
JamesPlushisnowagentleman，Andyou——acookinBuckleySquare。”’I’vethirtythousandguineaswon，Insixshortmonths，bygenusrare；
YoulittlethoughtwhatJeameswason，PoorMaryHann，inBuckleySquare。
I’vethirtythousandguineasnet，PowderandplushIscorntovear；
Andso，MissMaryHann，forgetForheverJeames，ofBuckleySquare。’”……
TherestoftheMS。isillegible，beingliterallywashedawayinafloodoftears。
ALETTERFROM”JEAMES，OFBUCKLEYSQUARE。””ALBANY，LETTERX。August10，1845。”SIR，——Hasareglarsuscribertoyouremusingpaper，IbegleaftostatethatIshouldneverhavedoneso，hadIsupposedthatitwasyourabbittoigsposethemistariesofprivitlife，andtohinjerthedelligitfeelingsofumbleindividyoualslikemyself，whohaveNOIDEERofbeingmadethesubjectofnewspapercriticism。”Ielude，sir，totheunjustafiableusewhichhasbeenmadeofmynameinyourJournal，wherebothmymuccantilespeclationsandtheHINMOSTPASHSNOFMYARThavebeenbrotforrardsinaridickluswayforthepublicemusemint。”Whatcall，sir，hasthepublictoinquireintothesuckmstansiesofmyengagementswithMissMaryHannOggins，ortomeddlewiththeirrupsher？WhyamItobemaidthehobjickofyourREDICULEIN
ADOGGRILBALLITimpewtedtoher？IsayIMPEWTED，because，inMY
timeatleast，MaryHanncouldonlysignhermarkhasI’vehoftenwitnistitforherwhenshepaidhinattheSavingsBank，andhasforSACRIFICINGTOTHEMEWSESandmakingPOATRY，shewasasHINCAPIBLEasMr。Wakleyhimself。”Withrespecttotheballit，mybaleafis，thatitiswrotebyafootmaninalowfamly，aporeretchwhoattemptedtorivlemeinmyaffectionstoMaryHann——afellernotfivefootsix，andwithnomorecalvestohislegsthanadonkey——whowasalwaysa-ritinhavingbeenadoctor’sboyandwhoInocktdownwithapintofporterashewellrecklexatthe3TunsJermingStreet，fordaringtotrytomakeabutofme。HehassignedMissH’snametohisNONSINCEANDLIES:andyoulayyourselfhopentoahactionforlibelforinsuttingtheminyourpaper。”ItisfalsethatIhavetreatedMissH。hillinHANYway。ThatI
borrowed20lbofherisTREW。ButsheconfessesIpaiditback。
CanhallpeoplesayasmuchofthemoneyTHEY’VElentorborrowed？
No。AndInotonlypaiditback，butgivhertheandsomestpres’nts:WHICHINEVERSHOULDHAVEALLUDEDTO，butforthisattack。Fust，asilverthimblewhichIfoundinMissus’swork-
box；secknd，avollomofByrom’spoems；third，IhalwaysbroughtheraglasofCurasore，whenweadaparty，ofwhichshewasremarkablefond。ItreatedhertoHashley’stwice，andhalwaysasrimporahoysterbytheway，andaTHOWSNDDELIGITATTENTIONS，whichIsaposecountforNOTHINK。”Hasformarridge。Halteredsuckmstanciesrenderedithimpossable。
Iwasgoneintoanewspearoflife——minglingwithmynativearistoxy。IbreathenosallibleofblameagainstMissH。，buthisahilliteritcookmaidfittosetatafashnabletable？DoyoungfellersofrankgenrallymarryoutoftheKitching？Ifwecastouri’suponalow-borngal，Ineednsayit’sonlyatemporydistraction，porepassyletong。SomuchforHERclaimsuponme。
HasforTHATBEESTOFADOCTOR’SBOYhe’sunwuthythenotasofaGentleman。”ThatI’veonethirtythousandlb，ANDPRAPSMORE，Idontdeny。OwmuchhastheKilossusofRailroadsone，Ishouldliketoknow，andwhatwashiscappitle？Ihenteredthemarketwith20lb，specklatedJewdicious，andhamwhatIham。Somayyoubeifyouhave20lb，andprapsyouhaven’t——Somayyoube:ifyouchoosetogoin&
win。”IformypartamjuslyPROWDofmysuxess，andcouldgiveyouahundredinstancesofmygratatude。Forigsample，thefustpairofhossesIboughtandabetterpairofsteppersIdafyyoutoseeinhanycurracle，Icrisn’dHullandSelby，ingratefulelusiontomytransackshnsinthatrailroad。MyridingCobIcalledveryunhaptlymyDublinandGalway。Hecamedownwithmetheotherday，andI’vejestsoldhimat1/4discount。”AtfustwithprudenceandmodrationIonlykeptwogroomsformystables，oneofwhomlickwisewaitedonmeattable。Ihavenowaconfidenshleservant，avallydeshamber——Hecurlsmyair；inspexmyaccounts，andhansersmyhinvitationstodinner。IcallthisVallymyTRENTVALLY，foritwastheprophitIgotfromthatexlentline，whichinjuicedmetoingagehim。”BesidesmyNorthBritishPlateandBreakfastequipidge——Ihavetwohandsomsuvvicesfordinner——thegooldplateforSundays，andthesilverforcommonuse。WhenIaveagreatparty，’Trent，’Isaytomyman，’wewillhavetheLondonandBumminghamplateto-daythegoold，orelsetheManchesterandLeedsthesilver。’Iboughtthemafterrealizingontheabuflines，andifpeoplesupposethatthecompanysmademeapresntoftheplate，howcanIhelpit？”InthesamwayIsay，’Trent，bringusabottleofBristolamidHexeter！’or，’PutsomeHeasternCountiesinhice！’HEknowswhatImean:it’sthewinesIboughtuponthehospicioustumminationofmyconnexshnwiththosetworailroads。”Sostrong，indeed，asthisabbitbecome，thatbeingaskedtostandGodfathertotheyoungestMissDiddlelastweak，IhadherchristenedprovisionallyRosamell——fromtheFrenchlineofwhichIamDirector；andonlytheotherday，findingmyselfraytherunwell，’Doctor，’saysItoSirJeamesClark，’I’vesenttoconsultyoubecausemyMidlandsareoutofhorder；andIwantyoutosendthemuptoapremium。’TheDoctorlafd，andIbeleavetoldthestorysubsquintlyatBuckinumP-ll-s。”ButIwilltroubleyounofather。MysoleobjictinwritinghasbeentoCLEARMYCARRATER——toshowthatIcamebymymoneyinahonrableway:thatI’mnotashaymdofthemannerinwhichIgaynedit，andhamindeedgratefulformygoodfortune。”Toconclude，IhaveadmypodigreemaidoutattheEraldHoffisI
don’tmeantheMorningErald，andhavetookformyarmsaStagg。
YouarecorrictinstatingthatIamofhancientNorminfamly。
ThisismorethanPealcansay，towhombIappliedforabarnetcy；
buttheprimmierbeingoflowigstraction，natrallysticklesforhishorder。ConsurvativethoughIbe，IMAYCHANGEMYOPINIONS
beforethenextElection，whenIintendtohoffermyselfasaCandydickforParlymint。”Meanwhile，Ihavethehonortobe，Sir，”YourmostobeajntSurvnt，”FITZ-JAMESDELAPLUCHE。”
THEDIARY。
Onedayinthepanicweek，ourfriendJeamescalledatouroffice，evidentlyingreatperturbationofmindanddisorderofdress。Hehadnoflowerinhisbutton-hole；hisyellowkidgloveswerecertainlytwodaysold。Hehadnotabovethreeofthetenchainsheusuallysports，andhisgreatcoarseknotty-knuckledoldhandsweredeprivedofsomedozenoftherubies，emeralds，andothercameoswithwhich，sincehiselevationtofortune，thepoorfellowhasthoughtfittoadornhimself。”How’sscrip，Mr。Jeames？”saidwepleasantly，greetingouresteemedcontributor。”Scripbe——，”repliedhe，withanexpressionwecannotrepeat，andalookofagonyitisimpossibletodescribeinprint，andwalkedabouttheparlorwhistling，humming，rattlinghiskeysandcoppers，andshowingothersignsofagitation。Atlast，”MR。
PUNCH，”sayshe，afteramoment’shesitation，”Iwishtospeaktoyouonapintofbusiniss。Iwishtobepaidformycontribewtionstoyourpaper。Suckmstancesisalteredwithme。I——I——inaword，CANyoulendme——L。fortheaccount？”
Henamedthesum。Itwasonesogreatthatwedon’tcaretomentionithere；butonreceivingachequefortheamountonMessrs。PumpandAldgate，ourbankers，tearscameintothehonestfellow’seyes。Hesqueezedourhanduntilhenearlywrungitoff，andshoutingtoacab，heplungedintoitatouroffice-door，andwasofftotheCity。
Returningtoourstudy，wefoundhehadleftonourtableanopenpocket-book，ofthecontentsofwhichforthesakeofsafetywetookaninventory。Itcontained——threetavern-bills，paid；atailor’sditto，unsettled；forty-nineallotmentsindifferentcompanies，twenty-sixthousandsevenhundredsharesinall，ofwhichthemarketvaluewetake，onanaverage，tobe1/4discount；
andinanoldbitofpapertiedwithpinkribbonalockofchestnuthair，withtheinitialsM。A。H。
Inthediaryofthepocket-bookwasajournal，jotteddownbytheproprietorfromtimetotime。Atfirsttheentriesareinsignificant:as，forinstance:——”3rdJanuary——OurbeerintheSuvnts’hallsoPRECIOUSsmallatthisChristmastimethatIreelyMUSSgivewarning，&wood，butformydearMaryHann。”February7——
ThatbrootScrew，theButler，wantedtokisher，butmydearMaryHannboxthisholdhears，&servedhimright。IDATESTScrew，”——
andsoforth。ThenthediaryrelatestoStockExchangeoperations，untilwecometothetimewhen，havingachievedhissuccesses，Mr。
JamesquittedBerkeleySquareandhislivery，andbeganhislifeasaspeculatorandagentlemanupontown。ItisfromthelatterpartofhisdiarythatwemakethefollowingEXTRAX:——”WenIanouncedintheServntsAllmyaxeshnofforting，andthatbytheexasizeofmyowntalinceandingianiutyIhadreerlizedasummof20，000lb。itwasonly5，butwhat’stheuseofamanndepreshiatingthequalatyofhisownmackyrel？——wenIenouncedmyabrupintentiontocut——youshouldhaveseanthesensationamonghallthepeople！CookwantedtoknowwhetherIwoodnlikeasweatbred，orthesliseofthebreastofaColdTucky。Screw，thebutler，wombIalwaysdetestedasahinsalanthoverbaringbeest，
beggedmetowalkintotheHupperServntsAll，andtryaglassofShuperiorShattoMargo。HevenVisp，thecoachmin，eldouthisand，&said，’Jeames，Ihopestheresnoquarralingbetwigstyou&me，&
I’llstandapotofbeerwithpleasure。’”Thesickofnts！——thatweryCookhadsplitonmetotheHousekeeperonylastweekcatchinmeprigginsomecoldtuttlesoop，ofwhichI’mremarkablefond。Hasforthebutler，IalwaysEBOMMINATEDhimforhisprecioussnearsandimperencetoallusGentswhowoarlivryheneverwouldsitinourparlor，fasooth，nordrinkoutofourmugs；andinregardofVisp——why，itwasonythedaybeforethewulgarbeesthofferedtofiteme，andthretndtogivemeagoodidingifIrefused。Gentlemenandladies，’saysI，ashaughtyasmaybe，’there’snothinkthatIwantforthatIcan’tgofortobuywithmyhownmoney，andtakeatmylodginsinHalbany，letterHex；
ifI’mungryI’venoneedtorefreshmyselfintheKITCHING。’Andsosaying，Itookadignifiedajewoftheseminnialdomestics；andascendingtomyepartmentinthe4pairback，brushedthepowderoutofmyair，andtakingoffthosehojouslivriesforhever，putonanewsoot，madeformebyCullinofSt。JeamesStreet，andwhichfittedmymanlyfiggerastightaswhacks。”TherewasONEpussoninthehousewithwombIwasraytheranxioustoevoidapersnalleave-taking——MaryHannOggins，Imean——formyartisnaturaltender，andIcan’tabideseeingaporegalinpane。
I’dgivenherprevioustheinfamationofmydeparture——doingtheansomthingbyheratthesametime——payingherback20lb。，whichshe’dlentme6monthsbefore:andpayingherbacknotonlytheinterest，butIgaveheranandsomepairofscissarsandasilverthimbil，bywayofboanus。’MaryHann，’saysI，’suckimstancieshashalteredourrellatifpositionsinlife。IquittheServntsHallforever，forhasforyourmarryingapersoninmyrank，that，mydear，ishallgammin，andsoIwishyouagood-by，mygoodgal，andifyouwanttobetteryourself，halwaysrefertome。’”MaryHanndidn’thansermyspeechwhichIthinkwasremarkablekind，butlookedatmeinthefacequitewildlike，andbustintosomethinkbetwigstalaugh&acry，andfelldownwithheredonthekitchingdresser，whereshelayuntilheryoungMissisrangthedressing-roombell。Wouldyoubleaveit？Sheleftthethimbil&
things，&mycheckfor20lb。l0s。，onthetabilwhenshewenttohanserthebell。AndnowIheardhersobbingandvimperinginherownroomnexbutonetomine，viththedoreopen，perapsexpectingIshouldcomeinandsaygood-by。But，assoonasIwasdressed，I
cutdownstairs，honydesiringFrederickmyfellow-servnt，tofetchmeacabb，andrequestingpermissiontotakeleafofmylady&thefamlybeforemydeparture。”……”HowMissHemlydidhoglemetobesure！Herladyshiptoldmewhatasweetgalshewas——hamiable，fondofpoetry，playsthegitter。
ThenshehaskedmeifIlikedblondbewtiesandhaubinhair。
Haubin，indeed！Idon’tlikecarrits！asitmustbeconfestMissHemly’shis——andhasforaBLONDBUTY，shehaspinkI’slikeaHalbino，andherfacelooksasifitwerediptinabrannmash。