WhentheSupremeGovernmentisatSimla，thesepapersarepreparedthere，andgoroundtothepeoplewhooughttoseetheminoffice-
boxesorbypost。TheprincipleofsecrecywastothatViceroyquiteasimportantasthepractice，andheheldthatabenevolentdespotismlikeOursshouldneverallowevenlittlethings，suchasappointmentsofsubordinateclerks，toleakouttillthepropertime。Hewasalwaysremarkableforhisprinciples。
Therewasaveryimportantbatchofpapersinpreparationatthattime。IthadtotravelfromoneendofSimlatotheotherbyhand。
Itwasnotputintoanofficialenvelope，butalarge，square，pale-pinkone；thematterbeinginMS。onsoftcrinkleypaper。Itwasaddressedto“TheHeadClerk，etc。，etc。”Now，between“TheHeadClerk，etc。，etc。，“and“Mrs。Hauksbee“andaflourish，isnoverygreatdifferenceiftheaddressbewritteninaverybadhand，asthiswas。Thechaprassiwhotooktheenvelopewasnotmoreofanidiotthanmostchaprassis。Hemerelyforgotwherethismostunofficialcoverwastobedelivered，andsoaskedthefirstEnglishmanhemet，whohappenedtobeamanridingdowntoAnnandaleinagreathurry。TheEnglishmanhardlylooked，said:
“HauksbeeSahibkiMem，“andwenton。Sodidthechaprasss，becausethatletterwasthelastinstockandhewantedtogethisworkover。Therewasnobooktosign；hethrusttheletterintoMrs。Hauksbee\'sbearer\'shandsandwentofftosmokewithafriend。
Mrs。Hauksbeewasexpectingsomecut-outpatternthingsinflimsypaperfromafriend。Assoonasshegotthebigsquarepacket，therefore，shesaid，“Oh，theDEARcreature！“andtoreitopenwithapaper-knife，andalltheMS。enclosurestumbledoutonthefloor。
Mrs。Hauksbeebeganreading。Ihavesaidthebatchwasratherimportant。Thatisquiteenoughforyoutoknow。Itreferredtosomecorrespondence，twomeasures，aperemptoryordertoanativechiefandtwodozenotherthings。Mrs。Hauksbeegaspedassheread，forthefirstglimpseofthenakedmachineryoftheGreatIndianGovernment，strippedofitscasings，andlacquer，andpaint，andguard-rails，impresseseventhemoststupidman。AndMrs。
Hauksbeewasacleverwoman。Shewasalittleafraidatfirst，andfeltasifshehadlaidholdofalightning-flashbythetail，anddidnotquiteknowwhattodowithit。Therewereremarksandinitialsatthesideofthepapers；andsomeoftheremarkswererathermoreseverethanthepapers。Theinitialsbelongedtomenwhoarealldeadorgonenow；buttheyweregreatintheirday。
Mrs。Hauksbeereadonandthoughtcalmlyassheread。Thenthevalueofhertrovestruckher，andshecastaboutforthebestmethodofusingit。ThenTarriondroppedin，andtheyreadthroughallthepaperstogether，andTarrion，notknowinghowshehadcomebythem，vowedthatMrs。Hauksbeewasthegreatestwomanonearth。
WhichIbelievewastrue，ornearlyso。
“Thehonestcourseisalwaysthebest，“saidTarrionafteranhourandahalfofstudyandconversation。“Allthingsconsidered，theIntelligenceBranchisaboutmyform。EitherthatortheForeignOffice。IgotolaysiegetotheHighGodsintheirTemples。”
Hedidnotseekalittleman，oralittlebigman，oraweakHeadofastrongDepartment，buthecalledonthebiggestandstrongestmanthattheGovernmentowned，andexplainedthathewantedanappointmentatSimlaonagoodsalary。ThecompoundinsolenceofthisamusedtheStrongMan，and，ashehadnothingtodoforthemoment，helistenedtotheproposalsoftheaudaciousTarrion。
“Youhave，Ipresume，somespecialqualifications，besidesthegiftofself-assertion，fortheclaimsyouputforwards?“saidtheStrongMan。“That，Sir，“saidTarrion，“isforyoutojudge。”
Thenhebegan，forhehadagoodmemory，quotingafewofthemoreimportantnotesinthepapers——slowlyandonebyoneasamandropschlorodyneintoaglass。Whenhehadreachedtheperemptoryorder——
anditWASaperemptoryorder——theStrongManwastroubled。
Tarrionwoundup:——“AndIfancythatspecialknowledgeofthiskindisatleastasvaluablefor，letussay，aberthintheForeignOffice，asthefactofbeingthenephewofadistingushedofficer\'swife。”ThathittheStrongManhard，forthelastappointmenttotheForeignOfficehadbeenbyblackfavor，andheknewit。“I\'llseewhatIcandoforyou，“saidtheStrongMan。“Manythanks，“
saidTarrion。Thenheleft，andtheStrongMandepartedtoseehowtheappointmentwastobeblocked……
Followedapauseofelevendays；withthundersandlightningsandmuchtelegraphing。Theappointmentwasnotaveryimportantone，carryingonlybetweenRs。500andRs。700amonth；but，astheViceroysaid，itwastheprincipleofdiplomaticsecrecythathadtobemaintained，anditwasmorethanlikelythataboysowellsuppliedwithspecialinformationwouldbeworthtranslating。Sotheytranslatedhim。Theymusthavesuspectedhim，thoughheprotestedthathisinformationwasduetosingulartalentsofhisown。Now，muchofthisstory，includingtheafter-historyofthemissingenvelope，youmustfillinforyourself，becausetherearereasonswhyitcannotbewritten。IfyoudonotknowaboutthingsUpAbove，youwon\'tunderstandhowtofillitin，andyouwillsayitisimpossible。
WhattheViceroysaidwhenTarrionwasintroducedtohimwas:——“So，thisistheboywho\'rusked\'theGovernmentofIndia，isit?
Recollect，Sir，thatisnotdoneTWICE。”Sohemusthaveknownsomething。
WhatTarrionsaidwhenhesawhisappointmentgazettedwas:——“IfMrs。Hauksbeeweretwentyyearsyounger，andIherhusband，I
shouldbeViceroyofIndiaintwentyyears。”
WhatMrs。Hauksbeesaid，whenTarrionthankedher，almostwithtearsinhiseyes，wasfirst:——“Itoldyouso！“andnext，toherself:——“Whatfoolsmenare！“
THECONVERSIONOFAURELIANMcGOGGIN。
Ridewithanidlewhip，ridewithanunusedheel。
But，onceinaway，therewillcomeadayWhenthecoltmustbetaughttofeelThelashthatfalls，andthecurbthatgalls，andthestingoftherowelledsteel。
Life\'sHandicap。
Thisisnotataleexactly。ItisaTract；andIamimmenselyproudofit。MakingaTractisaFeat。
Everymanisentitledtohisownreligiousopinions；butnoman——
leastofallajunior——hasarighttothrustthesedownothermen\'sthroats。TheGovernmentsendsoutweirdCiviliansnowandagain；
butMcGogginwasthequeerestexportedforalongtime。Hewasclever——brilliantlyclever——buthiscleverenessworkedthewrongway。Insteadofkeepingtothestudyofthevernaculars，hehadreadsomebookswrittenbyamancalledComte，Ithink，andamancalledSpencer，andaProfessorClifford。[YouwillfindthesebooksintheLibrary。]Theydealwithpeople\'sinsidesfromthepointofviewofmenwhohavenostomachs。Therewasnoorderagainsthisreadingthem；buthisMammashouldhavesmackedhim。
Theyfermentedinhishead，andhecameouttoIndiawithararefiedreligionoverandabovehiswork。Itwasnotmuchofacreed。Itonlyprovedthatmenhadnosouls，andtherewasnoGodandnohereafter，andthatyoumustworryalongsomehowforthegoodofHumanity。
Oneofitsminortenetsseemedtobethattheonethingmoresinfulthangivinganorderwasobeyingit。Atleast，thatwaswhatMcGogginsaid；butIsuspecthehadmisreadhisprimers。
Idonotsayawordagainstthiscreed。ItwasmadeupinTown，wherethereisnothingbutmachineryandasphaltandbuilding——allshutinbythefog。Naturally，amangrowstothinkthatthereisnoonehigherthanhimself，andthattheMetropolitanBoardofWorksmadeeverything。Butinthiscountry，whereyoureallyseehumanity——raw，brown，nakedhumanity——withnothingbetweenitandtheblazingsky，andonlytheused-up，over-handledearthunderfoot，thenotionsomehowdiesaway，andmostfolkcomebacktosimplertheories。Life，inIndia，isnotlongenoughtowasteinprovingthatthereisnooneinparticularattheheadofaffairs。
Forthisreason。TheDeputyisabovetheAssistant，theCommissionerabovetheDeputy，theLieutenant-GovernorabovetheCommissioner，andtheViceroyaboveallfour，undertheordersoftheSecretaryofState，whoisresponsibletotheEmpress。IftheEmpressbenotresponsibletoherMaker——ifthereisnoMakerforhertoberesponsibleto——theentiresystemofOuradministrationmustbewrong。Whichismanifestlyimpossible。AtHomemenaretobeexcused。Theyarestalledupagooddealandgetintellectually“beany。”Whenyoutakeagross，\'beany“horsetoexercise，heslaversandslobbersoverthebittillyoucan\'tseethehorns。
Butthebitistherejustthesame。Mendonotget“beany“inIndia。Theclimateandtheworkareagainstplayingbrickswithwords。
IfMcGogginhadkepthiscreed，withthecapitallettersandtheendingsin“isms，“tohimself，noonewouldhavecared；buthisgrandfathersonbothsideshadbeenWesleyanpreachers，andthepreachingstraincameoutinhismind。HewantedeveryoneattheClubtoseethattheyhadnosoulstoo，andtohelphimtoeliminatehisCreator。Asagoodmanymentoldhim，HEundoubtedlyhadnosoul，becausehewassoyoung，butitdidnotfollowthathisseniorswereequallyundeveloped；and，whethertherewasanotherworldornot，amanstillwantedtoreadhispapersinthis。“Butthatisnotthepoint——thatisnotthepoint！“Aurelianusedtosay。Thenmenthrewsofa-cushionsathimandtoldhimtogotoanyparticularplacehemightbelievein。Theychristenedhimthe“Blastoderm“——hesaidhecamefromafamilyofthatnamesomewhere，inthepre-historicages——and，byinsultandlaughter，strovetochokehimdumb，forhewasanunmitigatednuisanceattheClub；besidesbeinganoffencetotheoldermen。HisDeputyCommissioner，whowasworkingontheFrontierwhenAurelianwasrollingonabed-quilt，toldhimthat，foracleverboy，Aurelianwasaverybigidiot。And，youknow，ifhehadgoneonwithhiswork，hewouldhavebeencaughtuptotheSecretariatinafewyears。Hewasjustthetypethatgoesthere——allhead，nophysiqueandahundredtheories。NotasoulwasinterestedinMcGoggin\'ssoul。Hemighthavehadtwo，ornone，orsomebody\'selse\'s。HisbusinesswastoobeyordersandkeepabreastofhisfilesinsteadofdevastatingtheClubwith“isms。”
Heworkedbrilliantly；buthecouldnotacceptanyorderwithouttryingtobetterit。Thatwasthefaultofhiscreed。Itmadementooresponsibleandlefttoomuchtotheirhonor。Youcansometimesrideanoldhorseinahalter；butneveracolt。
McGoggintookmoretroubleoverhiscasesthananyofthemenofhisyear。Hemayhavefanciedthatthirty-pagejudgmentsonfifty-
rupeecases——bothsidesperjuredtothegullet——advancedthecauseofHumanity。Atanyrate，heworkedtoomuch，andworriedandfrettedovertherebukeshereceived，andlecturedawayonhisridiculouscreedoutofoffice，tilltheDoctorhadtowarnhimthathewasoverdoingit。NomancantoileighteenannasintherupeeinJunewithoutsuffering。ButMcGogginwasstillintellectually“beany“andproudofhimselfandhispowers，andhewouldtakenohint。Heworkedninehoursadaysteadily。
“Verywell，“saidthedoctor，“you\'llbreakdownbecauseyouareover-enginedforyourbeam。”McGogginwasalittlechap。
Oneday，thecollapsecame——asdramaticallyasifithadbeenmeanttoembellishaTract。
ItwasjustbeforetheRains。Weweresittingintheverandahinthedead，hot，closeair，gaspingandprayingthattheblack-bluecloudswouldletdownandbringthecool。Very，veryfaraway，therewasafaintwhisper，whichwastheroaroftheRainsbreakingovertheriver。Oneofthemenheardit，gotoutofhischair，listened，andsaid，naturallyenough:——“ThankGod！“
ThentheBlastodermturnedinhisplaceandsaid:——“Why?Iassureyouit\'sonlytheresultofperfectlynaturalcauses——atmosphericphenomenaofthesimplestkind。Whyyoushould，therefore，returnthankstoaBeingwhoneverdidexist——whoisonlyafigment——“
“Blastoderm，“gruntedthemaninthenextchair，“dryup，andthrowmeoverthePioneer。Weknowallaboutyourfigments。”TheBlastodermreachedouttothetable，tookuponepaper，andjumpedasifsomethinghadstunghim。Thenhehandedthepaperover。
“AsIwassaying，“hewentonslowlyandwithaneffort——“duetoperfectlynaturalcauses——perfectlynaturalcauses。Imean——“
“Hi！Blastoderm，you\'vegivenmetheCalcuttaMercantileAdvertiser。”
Thedustgotupinlittlewhorls，whilethetreetopsrockedandthekiteswhistled。ButnoonewaslookingatthecomingoftheRains。
WewereallstaringattheBlastoderm，whohadrisenfromhischairandwasfightingwithhisspeech。Thenhesaid，stillmoreslowly:——
“Perfectlyconceivable——dictionary——redoak——amenable——cause——
retaining——shuttlecock——alone。”
“Blastoderm\'sdrunk，“saidoneman。ButtheBlastodermwasnotdrunk。Helookedatusinadazedsortofway，andbeganmotioningwithhishandsinthehalflightasthecloudsclosedoverhead。
Then——withascream:——
“Whatisit?——Can\'t——reserve——attainable——market——obscure——“
Buthisspeechseemedtofreezeinhim，and——justasthelightningshottwotonguesthatcutthewholeskyintothreepiecesandtherainfellinquiveringsheets——theBlastodermwasstruckdumb。Hestoodpawingandchampinglikeahard-heldhorse，andhiseyeswerefullofterror。
TheDoctorcameoverinthreeminutes，andheardthestory。“It\'saphasia，“hesaid。“Takehimtohisroom。IKNEWthesmashwouldcome。”WecarriedtheBlastodermacross，inthepouringrain，tohisquarters，andtheDoctorgavehimbromideofpotassiumtomakehimsleep。
ThentheDoctorcamebacktousandtoldusthataphasiawaslikeallthearrearsof“PunjabHead“fallinginalump；andthatonlyoncebefore——inthecaseofasepoy——hadhemetwithsocompleteacase。Imyselfhaveseenmildaphasiainanoverworkedman，butthissuddendumbnesswasuncanny——though，astheBlastodermhimselfmighthavesaid，dueto“perfectlynaturalcauses。”
“He\'llhavetotakeleaveafterthis，“saidtheDoctor。“Hewon\'tbefitforworkforanotherthreemonths。No；itisn\'tinsanityoranythinglikeit。It\'sonlycompletelossofcontroloverthespeechandmemory。IfancyitwillkeeptheBlastodermquiet，though。”
Twodayslater，theBlastodermfoundhistongueagain。Thefirstquestionheaskedwas:“Whatwasit?“TheDoctorenlightenedhim。
“ButIcan\'tunderstandit！“saidtheBlastoderm；“I\'mquitesane；
butIcan\'tbesureofmymind，itseems——myOWNmemory——canI?“
“GoupintotheHillsforthreemonths，anddon\'tthinkaboutit，“
saidtheDoctor。
“ButIcan\'tunderstandit，“repeatedtheBlastoderm。“ItwasmyOWNmindandmemory。”
“Ican\'thelpit，“saidtheDoctor；“thereareagoodmanythingsyoucan\'tunderstand；and，bythetimeyouhaveputinmylengthofservice，you\'llknowexactlyhowmuchamandarecallhisowninthisworld。”
ThestrokecowedtheBlastoderm。Hecouldnotunderstandit。HewentintotheHillsinfearandtrembling，wonderingwhetherhewouldbepermittedtoreachtheendofanysentencehebegan。
Thisgavehimawholesomefeelingofmistrust。Thelegitimateexplanation，thathehadbeenoverworkinghimself，failedtosatisfyhim。Somethinghadwipedhislipsofspeech，asamotherwipesthemilkylipsofherchild，andhewasafraid——horriblyafraid。
SotheClubhadrestwhenhereturned；andifeveryoucomeacrossAurelianMcGogginlayingdownthelawonthingsHuman——hedoesn\'tseemtoknowasmuchasheusedtoaboutthingsDivine——putyourforefingeronyourlipforamoment，andseewhathappens。
Don\'tblamemeifhethrowsaglassatyourhead！
AGERMDESTROYER。
PleasantitisfortheLittleTinGods，WhengreatJovenods；
ButLittleTinGodsmaketheirlittlemistakesInmissingthehourwhengreatJovewakes。
Asageneralrule，itisinexpedienttomeddlewithquestionsofStateinalandwheremenarehighlypaidtoworkthemoutforyou。
Thistaleisajustifiableexception。
Onceineveryfiveyears，asyouknow，weindentforanewViceroy；
andeachViceroyimports，withtherestofhisbaggage，aPrivateSecretary，whomayormaynotbetherealViceroy，justasFateordains。FatelooksaftertheIndianEmpirebecauseitissobigandsohelpless。
TherewasaViceroyonce，whobroughtoutwithhimaturbulentPrivateSecretary——ahardmanwithasoftmannerandamorbidpassionforwork。ThisSecretarywascalledWonder——JohnFennilWonder。TheViceroypossessednoname——nothingbutastringofcountiesandtwo-thirdsofthealphabetafterthem。Hesaid，inconfidence，thathewastheelectro-platedfigureheadofagoldenadministration，andhewatchedinadreamy，amusedwayWonder\'sattemptstodrawmatterswhichwereentirelyoutsidehisprovinceintohisownhands。“Whenweareallcherubimstogether，“saidHisExcellencyonce，mydear，goodfriendWonderwillheadtheconspiracyforpluckingoutGabriel\'stail-feathersorstealingPeter\'skeys。THENIshallreporthim。”
But，thoughtheViceroydidnothingtocheckWonder\'sofficiousness，otherpeoplesaidunpleasantthings。MaybetheMembersofCouncilbeganit；but，finally，allSimlaagreedthattherewas“toomuchWonder，andtoolittleViceroy，“inthatregime。Wonderwasalwaysquoting“HisExcellency。”Itwas“HisExcellencythis，““HisExcellencythat，““IntheopinionofHisExcellency，“andsoon。TheViceroysmiled；buthedidnotheed。
Hesaidthat，solongashisoldmensquabbledwithhis“dear，goodWonder，“theymightbeinducedtoleavethe“ImmemorialEast“inpeace。
“Nowisemanhasapolicy，“saidtheViceroy。“APolicyistheblackmailleviedontheFoolbytheUnforeseen。Iamnottheformer，andIdonotbelieveinthelatter。”
Idonotquiteseewhatthismeans，unlessitreferstoanInsurancePolicy。PerhapsitwastheViceroy\'swayofsaying:——
“Lielow。”
Thatseason，cameuptoSimlaoneofthesecrazypeoplewithonlyasingleidea。Thesearethemenwhomakethingsmove；buttheyarenotnicetotalkto。Thisman\'snamewasMellish，andhehadlivedforfifteenyearsonlandofhisown，inLowerBengal，studyingcholera。Heheldthatcholerawasagermthatpropagateditselfasitflewthroughamuggyatmosphere；andstuckinthebranchesoftreeslikeawool-flake。Thegermcouldberenderedsterile，hesaid，by“Mellish\'sOwnInvincibleFumigatory“——aheavyviolet-
blackpowder——“theresultoffifteenyears\'scientificinvestigation，Sir！“
Inventorsseemverymuchalikeasacaste。Theytalkloudly，especiallyabout“conspiraciesofmonopolists；“theybeatuponthetablewiththeirfists；andtheysecretefragmentsoftheirinventionsabouttheirpersons。
MellishsaidthattherewasaMedical“Ring“atSimla，headedbytheSurgeon-General，whowasinleague，apparently，withalltheHospitalAssistantsintheEmpire。Iforgetexactlyhowheprovedit，butithadsomethingtodowith“skulkinguptotheHills；“andwhatMellishwantedwastheindependentevidenceoftheViceroy——
“StewardofourMostGraciousMajestytheQueen，Sir。”SoMellishwentuptoSimla，witheighty-fourpoundsofFumigatoryinhistrunk，tospeaktotheViceroyandtoshowhimthemeritsoftheinvention。
ButitiseasiertoseeaViceroythantotalktohim，unlessyouchancetobeasimportantasMellisheofMadras。Hewasasix-
thousand-rupeeman，sogreatthathisdaughtersnever“married。”
They“contractedalliances。”Hehimselfwasnotpaid。He“receivedemoluments，“andhisjourneysaboutthecountrywere“toursofobservation。”HisbusinesswastostirupthepeopleinMadraswithalongpole——asyoustirupstenchinapond——andthepeoplehadtocomeupoutoftheircomfortableoldwaysandgasp:——
“ThisisEnlightenmentandprogress。Isn\'titfine！“ThentheygaveMellishestatuesandjasminegarlands，inthehopeofgettingridofhim。
MellishecameuptoSimla“toconferwiththeViceroy。”Thatwasoneofhisperquisites。TheViceroyknewnothingofMellisheexceptthathewas“oneofthosemiddle-classdeitieswhoseemnecessarytothespiritualcomfortofthisParadiseoftheMiddle-
classes，“andthat，inallprobability，hehad“suggested，designed，founded，andendowedallthepublicinstitutionsinMadras。”WhichprovesthatHisExcellency，thoughdreamy，hadexperienceofthewaysofsix-thousand-rupeemen。
Mellishe\'snamewasE。MellisheandMellish\'swasE。S。Mellish，andtheywerebothstayingatthesamehotel，andtheFatethatlooksaftertheIndianEmpireordainedthatWondershouldblunderanddropthefinal“e；“thattheChaprassishouldhelphim，andthatthenotewhichran:“DearMr。Mellish——Canyousetasideyourotherengagementsandlunchwithusattwoto-morrow?HisExcellencyhasanhouratyourdisposalthen，“shouldbegiventoMellishwiththeFumigatory。Henearlyweptwithprideanddelight，andattheappointedhourcanteredofftoPeterhoff，abigpaper-bagfulloftheFumigatoryinhiscoat-tailpockets。Hehadhischance，andhemeanttomakethemostofit。MellisheofMadrashadbeensoportentouslysolemnabouthis“conference，“thatWonderhadarrangedforaprivatetiffin——noA-D。C。\'s，noWonder，noonebuttheViceroy，whosaidplaintivelythathefearedbeingleftalonewithunmuzzledautocratslikethegreatMellisheofMadras。
ButhisguestdidnotboretheViceroy。Onthecontrary，heamusedhim。MellishwasnervouslyanxioustogostraighttohisFumigatory，andtalkedatrandomuntiltiffinwasoverandHisExcellencyaskedhimtosmoke。TheViceroywaspleasedwithMellishbecausehedidnottalk“shop。”
Assoonasthecherootswerelit，Mellishspokelikeaman；
beginningwithhischolera-theory，reviewinghisfifteenyears\'
“scientificlabors，“themachinationsofthe“SimlaRing，“andtheexcellenceofhisFumigatory，whiletheViceroywatchedhimbetweenhalf-shuteyesandthought:“Evidently，thisisthewrongtiger；butitisanoriginalanimal。”Mellish\'shairwasstandingonendwithexcitement，andhestammered。Hebegangropinginhiscoat-tailsand，beforetheViceroyknewwhatwasabouttohappen，hehadtippedabagfulofhispowderintothebigsilverash-tray。
“J-j-judgeforyourself，Sir，“saidMellish。“Y\'Excellencyshalljudgeforyourself！Absolutelyinfallible，onmyhonor。”
Heplungedthelightedendofhiscigarintothepowder，whichbegantosmokelikeavolcano，andsendupfat，greasywreathsofcopper-
coloredsmoke。Infivesecondstheroomwasfilledwithamostpungentandsickeningstench——areekthattookfierceholdofthetrapofyourwindpipeandshutit。Thepowderthenhissedandfizzed，andsentoutblueandgreensparks，andthesmokerosetillyoucouldneithersee，norbreathe，norgasp。Mellish，however，wasusedtoit。
“Nitrateofstrontia，“heshouted；“baryta，bone-meal，etcetera！
Thousandcubicfeetsmokepercubicinch。Notagermcouldlive——
notagerm，Y\'Excellency！“
ButHisExcellencyhadfled，andwascoughingatthefootofthestairs，whileallPeterhoffhummedlikeahive。RedLancerscamein，andtheHeadChaprassi，whospeaksEnglish，camein，andmace-
bearerscamein，andladiesrandownstairsscreaming“fire；“forthesmokewasdriftingthroughthehouseandoozingoutofthewindows，andbellyingalongtheverandahs，andwreathingandwrithingacrossthegardens。NoonecouldentertheroomwhereMellishwaslecturingonhisFumigatory，tillthatunspeakablepowderhadburneditselfout。
ThenanAide-de-Camp，whodesiredtheV。C。，rushedthroughtherollingcloudsandhauledMellishintothehall。TheViceroywasprostratewithlaughter，andcouldonlywagglehishandsfeeblyatMellish，whowasshakingafreshbagfulofpowderathim。
“Glorious！Glorious！“sobbedhisExcellency。“Notagerm，asyoujustlyobserve，couldexist！Icanswearit。Amagnificentsuccess！“
Thenhelaughedtillthetearscame，andWonder，whohadcaughttherealMellishesnortingontheMall，enteredandwasdeeplyshockedatthescene。ButtheViceroywasdelighted，becausehesawthatWonderwouldpresentlydepart。MellishwiththeFumigatorywasalsopleased，forhefeltthathehadsmashedtheSimlaMedical“Ring。”……
FewmencouldtellastorylikeHisExcellencywhenhetookthetrouble，andtheaccountof“mydear，goodWonder\'sfriendwiththepowder“wenttheroundofSimla，andflippantfolkmadeWonderunhappybytheirremarks。
ButHisExcellencytoldthetaleoncetoooften——forWonder。Ashemeanttodo。ItwasataSeepeePicnic。WonderwassittingjustbehindtheViceroy。
“AndIreallythoughtforamoment，“woundupHisExcellency，“thatmydear，goodWonderhadhiredanassassintoclearhiswaytothethrone！“
Everyonelaughed；buttherewasadelicatesubtinkleintheViceroy\'stonewhichWonderunderstood。Hefoundthathishealthwasgivingway；andtheViceroyallowedhimtogo，andpresentedhimwithaflaming“character“foruseatHomeamongbigpeople。
“Myfaultentirely，“saidHisExcellency，inafterseasons，withatwinklinginhiseye。“Myinconsistencymustalwayshavebeendistastefultosuchamasterlyman。”
KIDNAPPED。
Thereisatideintheaffairsofmen，Which，takenanywayyouplease，isbad，AndstrandstheminforsakengutsandcreeksNodecentsoulwouldthinkofvisiting。
Youcannotstopthetide；butnowandthen，YoumayarrestsomerashadventurerWho——h\'m——willhardlythankyouforyourpains。
Vibart\'sMoralities。
Weareahigh-casteandenlightenedrace，andinfant-marriageisveryshockingandtheconsequencesaresometimespeculiar；but，nevertheless，theHindunotion——whichistheContinentalnotion——
whichistheaboriginalnotion——ofarrangingmarriagesirrespectiveofthepersonalinclinationsofthemarried，issound。Thinkforaminute，andyouwillseethatitmustbeso；unless，ofcourse，youbelievein“affinities。”Inwhichcaseyouhadbetternotreadthistale。Howcanamanwhohasnevermarried；whocannotbetrustedtopickupatsightamoderatelysoundhorse；whoseheadishotandupsetwithvisionsofdomesticfelicity，goaboutthechoosingofawife?Hecannotseestraightorthinkstraightifhetries；andthesamedisadvantagesexistinthecaseofagirl\'sfancies。Butwhenmature，marriedanddiscreetpeoplearrangeamatchbetweenaboyandagirl，theydoitsensibly，withaviewtothefuture，andtheyoungcouplelivehappilyeverafterwards。Aseverybodyknows。
Properlyspeaking，GovernmentshouldestablishaMatrimonialDepartment，efficientlyofficered，withaJuryofMatrons，aJudgeoftheChiefCourt，aSeniorChaplain，andanAwfulWarning，intheshapeofalove-matchthathasgonewrong，chainedtothetreesinthecourtyard。AllmarriagesshouldbemadethroughtheDepartment，whichmightbesubordinatetotheEducationalDepartment，underthesamepenaltyasthatattachingtothetransferoflandwithoutastampeddocument。ButGovernmentwon\'ttakesuggestions。Itpretendsthatitistoobusy。However，Iwillputmynotiononrecord，andexplaintheexamplethatillustratesthetheory。
Onceuponatimetherewasagoodyoungman——afirst-classofficerinhisownDepartment——amanwithacareerbeforehimand，possibly，aK。C。G。E。attheendofit。Allhissuperiorsspokewellofhim，becauseheknewhowtoholdhistongueandhispenatthepropertimes。Thereareto-dayonlyelevenmeninIndiawhopossessthissecret；andtheyhaveall，withoneexception，attainedgreathonorandenormousincomes。
Thisgoodyoungmanwasquietandself-contained——toooldforhisyearsbyfar。Whichalwayscarriesitsownpunishment。HadaSubaltern，oraTea-Planter\'sAssistant，oranybodywhoenjoyslifeandhasnocareforto-morrow，donewhathetriedtodonotasoulwouldhavecared。ButwhenPeythroppe——theestimable，virtuous，economical，quiet，hard-working，youngPeythroppe——fell，therewasaflutterthroughfiveDepartments。
Themannerofhisfallwasinthisway。HemetaMissCastries——
d\'Castriesitwasoriginally，butthefamilydroppedthed\'foradministrativereasons——andhefellinlovewithherevenmoreenergeticallythatheworked。UnderstandclearlythattherewasnotabreathofawordtobesaidagainstMissCastries——notashadowofabreath。Shewasgoodandverylovely——possessedwhatinnocentpeopleathomecalla“Spanish“complexion，withthickblue-blackhairgrowinglowdownonherforehead，intoa“widow\'speak，“andbigvioleteyesundereyebrowsasblackandasstraightasthebordersofaGazetteExtraordinarywhenabigmandies。But——but——
but。Well，shewasaVERYsweetgirlandverypious，butformanyreasonsshewas“impossible。”Quiteso。AllgoodMammasknowwhat“impossible“means。ItwasobviouslyabsurdthatPeythroppeshouldmarryher。Thelittleopal-tintedonyxatthebaseofherfinger-
nailssaidthisasplainlyasprint。Further，marriagewithMissCastriesmeantmarriagewithseveralotherCastries——HonoraryLieutenantCastries，herPapa，Mrs。EulalieCastries，herMamma，andalltheramificationsoftheCastriesfamily，onincomesrangingfromRs。175toRs。470amonth，andTHEIRwivesandconnectionsagain。
ItwouldhavebeencheaperforPeythroppetohaveassaultedaCommissionerwithadog-whip，ortohaveburnedtherecordsofaDeputyCommissioner\'sOffice，thantohavecontractedanalliancewiththeCastries。Itwouldhaveweightedhisafter-careerless——
evenunderaGovernmentwhichneverforgetsandNEVERforgives。
EverybodysawthisbutPeythroppe。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries，hewas——beingofageanddrawingagoodincome——andwoebetidethehousethatwouldnotafterwardsreceiveMrs。VirginieSaulezPeythroppewiththedeferenceduetoherhusband\'srank。
ThatwasPeythroppe\'sultimatum，andanyremonstrancedrovehimfrantic。
Thesesuddenmadnessesmostafflictthesanestmen。Therewasacaseonce——butIwilltellyouofthatlateron。Youcannotaccountforthemania，exceptunderatheorydirectlycontradictingtheoneaboutthePlacewhereinmarriagesaremade。Peythroppewasburninglyanxioustoputamillstoneroundhisneckattheoutsetofhiscareerandargumenthadnottheleasteffectonhim。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries，andthebusinesswashisownbusiness。
Hewouldthankyoutokeepyouradvicetoyourself。Withamaninthiscondition，merewordsonlyfixhiminhispurpose。OfcoursehecannotseethatmarriageoutheredoesnotconcerntheindividualbuttheGovernmentheserves。
DoyourememberMrs。Hauksbee——themostwonderfulwomaninIndia?
ShesavedPlufflesfromMrs。Reiver，wonTarrionhisappointmentintheForeignOffice，andwasdefeatedinopenfieldbyMrs。Cusack-
Bremmil。SheheardofthelamentableconditionofPeythroppe，andherbrainstruckouttheplanthatsavedhim。ShehadthewisdomoftheSerpent，thelogicalcoherenceoftheMan，thefearlessnessoftheChild，andthetripleintuitionoftheWoman。Never——no，never——
aslongasatongabucketsdowntheSolondip，orthecouplesgoa-
ridingatthebackofSummerHill，willtherebesuchageniusasMrs。Hauksbee。SheattendedtheconsultationofThreeMenonPeythroppe\'scase；andshestoodupwiththelashofherriding-whipbetweenherlipsandspake……
Threeweekslater，PeythroppedinedwiththeThreeMen，andtheGazetteofIndiacamein。Peythroppefoundtohissurprisethathehadbeengazettedamonth\'sleave。Don\'taskmehowthiswasmanaged。IbelievefirmlythatifMrs。Hauksbeegavetheorder，thewholeGreatIndianAdministrationwouldstandonitshead。
TheThreeMenhadalsoamonth\'sleaveeach。PeythroppeputtheGazettedownandsaidbadwords。Thentherecamefromthecompoundthesoft“pad-pad“ofcamels——“thieves\'camels，“thebikaneerbreedthatdon\'tbubbleandhowlwhentheysitdownandgetup。
AfterthatIdon\'tknowwhathappened。Thismuchiscertain。
Peythroppedisappeared——vanishedlikesmoke——andthelongfoot-restchairinthehouseoftheThreeMenwasbrokentosplinters。Alsoabedsteaddepartedfromoneofthebedrooms。
Mrs。HauksbeesaidthatMr。PeythroppewasshootinginRajputanawiththeThreeMen；sowewerecompelledtobelieveher。
Attheendofthemonth，Peythroppewasgazettedtwentydays\'
extensionofleave；buttherewaswrathandlamentationinthehouseofCastries。Themarriage-dayhadbeenfixed，butthebridegroomnevercame；andtheD\'Silvas，Pereiras，andDuckettsliftedtheirvoicesandmockedHonoraryLieutenantCastriesasonewhohadbeenbaselyimposedupon。Mrs。Hauksbeewenttothewedding，andwasmuchastonishedwhenPeythroppedidnotappear。Aftersevenweeks，PeythroppeandtheThreeMenreturnedfromRajputana。Peythroppewasinhard，toughcondition，ratherwhite，andmoreself-containedthanever。
OneoftheThreeMenhadacutonhisnose，causebythekickofagun。Twelve-boreskickrathercuriously。
ThencameHonoraryLieutenantCastries，seekingforthebloodofhisperfidiousson-in-lawtobe。Hesaidthings——vulgarand“impossible“thingswhichshowedtherawrough“ranker“belowthe“Honorary，“andIfancyPeythroppe\'seyeswereopened。Anyhow，heheldhispeacetilltheend；whenhespokebriefly。HonoraryLieutenantCastriesaskedfora“peg“beforehewentawaytodieorbringasuitforbreachofpromise。
MissCastrieswasaverygoodgirl。Shesaidthatshewouldhavenobreachofpromisesuits。Shesaidthat，ifshewasnotalady，shewasrefinedenoughtoknowthatladieskepttheirbrokenheartstothemselves；and，assheruledherparents，nothinghappened。Lateron，shemarriedamostrespectableandgentlemanlyperson。HetravelledforanenterprisingfirminCalcutta，andwasallthatagoodhusbandshouldbe。
SoPeythroppecametohisrightmindagain，anddidmuchgoodwork，andwashonoredbyallwhoknewhim。Oneofthesedayshewillmarry；buthewillmarryasweetpink-and-whitemaiden，ontheGovernmentHouseList，withalittlemoneyandsomeinfluentialconnections，aseverywisemanshould。Andhewillnever，allhislife，tellherwhathappenedduringthesevenweeksofhisshooting-
tourinRajputana。
Butjustthinkhowmuchtroubleandexpense——forcamelhireisnotcheap，andthoseBikaneerbruteshadtobefedlikehumans——mighthavebeensavedbyaproperlyconductedMatrimonialDepartment，underthecontroloftheDirectorGeneralofEducation，butcorrespondingdirectwiththeViceroy。
THEARRESTOFLIEUTENANTGOLIGHTLY。
“\'I\'veforgottenthecountersign，\'sez\'e。
\'Oh！You\'aye，\'aveyou?\'sezI。
\'ButI\'mtheColonel，\'sez\'e。
\'Oh！Youare，areyou?\'sezI。\'ColonelnornoColonel，youwaits\'eretillI\'mrelieved，an\'theSarjintreportsonyouruglyoldmug。Coop！\'sezI……
An\'s\'helpmesoul，\'twastheColonelafterall！ButIwasarecruitythen。”
TheUneditedAutobiographyofPrivateOrtheris。
IFtherewasonethingonwhichGolightlypridedhimselfmorethananother，itwaslookinglike“anOfficerandagentleman。”HesaiditwasforthehonoroftheServicethatheattiredhimselfsoelaborately；butthosewhoknewhimbestsaidthatitwasjustpersonalvanity。TherewasnoharmaboutGolightly——notanounce。
Herecognizedahorsewhenhesawone，andcoulddomorethanfillacantle。Heplayedaveryfairgameatbilliards，andwasasoundmanatthewhist-table。Everyonelikedhim；andnobodyeverdreamedofseeinghimhandcuffedonastationplatformasadeserter。Butthissadthinghappened。
HewasgoingdownfromDalhousie，attheendofhisleave——ridingdown。Hehadcuthisleaveasfineashedared，andwantedtocomedowninahurry。
ItwasfairlywarmatDalhousie，andknowingwhattoexpectbelow，hedescendedinanewkhakisuit——tightfitting——ofadelicateolive-green；apeacock-bluetie，whitecollar，andasnowywhitesolahhelmet。Hepridedhimselfonlookingneatevenwhenhewasridingpost。Hedidlookneat，andhewassodeeplyconcernedabouthisappearancebeforehestartedthathequiteforgottotakeanythingbutsomesmallchangewithhim。Heleftallhisnotesatthehotel。Hisservantshadgonedowntheroadbeforehim，tobereadyinwaitingatPathankotewithachangeofgear。Thatwaswhathecalledtravellingin“lightmarching-order。”Hewasproudofhisfacultyoforganization——whatwecallbundobust。
Twenty-twomilesoutofDalhousieitbegantorain——notamerehill-
shower，butagood，tepidmonsoonishdownpour。Golightlybustledon，wishingthathehadbroughtanumbrella。Thedustontheroadsturnedintomud，andtheponymiredagooddeal。SodidGolightly\'skhakigaiters。Buthekeptonsteadilyandtriedtothinkhowpleasantthecoolthwas。
Hisnextponywasratherabruteatstarting，andGolightly\'shandsbeingslipperywiththerain，contrivedtogetridofGolightlyatacorner。Hechasedtheanimal，caughtit，andwentaheadbriskly。
Thespillhadnotimprovedhisclothesorhistemper，andhehadlostonespur。Hekepttheotheroneemployed。Bythetimethatstagewasended，theponyhadhadasmuchexerciseashewanted，and，inspiteoftherain，Golightlywassweatingfreely。Attheendofanothermiserablehalf-hour，Golightlyfoundtheworlddisappearbeforehiseyesinclammypulp。Therainhadturnedthepithofhishugeandsnowysolah-topeeintoanevil-smellingdough，andithadclosedonhisheadlikeahalf-openedmushroom。Alsothegreenliningwasbeginningtorun。
Golightlydidnotsayanythingworthrecordinghere。Hetoreoffandsqueezedupasmuchofthebrimaswasinhiseyesandploughedon。Thebackofthehelmetwasflappingonhisneckandthesidesstucktohisears，buttheleatherbandandgreenliningkeptthingsroughlytogether，sothatthehatdidnotactuallymeltawaywhereitflapped。
Presently，thepulpandthegreenstuffmadeasortofslimymildewwhichranoverGolightlyinseveraldirections——downhisbackandbosomforchoice。Thekhakicolorrantoo——itwasreallyshockinglybaddye——andsectionsofGolightlywerebrown，andpatcheswereviolet，andcontourswereochre，andstreakswereruddyred，andblotcheswerenearlywhite，accordingtothenatureandpeculiaritiesofthedye。Whenhetookouthishandkerchieftowipehisfaceandthegreenofthehat-liningandthepurplestuffthathadsoakedthroughontohisneckfromthetiebecamethoroughlymixed，theeffectwasamazing。
NearDhartherainstoppedandtheeveningsuncameoutanddriedhimupslightly。Itfixedthecolors，too。ThreemilesfromPathankotethelastponyfelldeadlame，andGolightlywasforcedtowalk。HepushedonintoPathankotetofindhisservants。Hedidnotknowthenthathiskhitmatgarhadstoppedbytheroadsidetogetdrunk，andwouldcomeonthenextdaysayingthathehadsprainedhisankle。WhenhegotintoPathankote，hecouldn\'tfindhisservants，hisbootswerestiffandropywithmud，andtherewerelargequantitiesofdirtabouthisbody。Thebluetiehadrunasmuchasthekhaki。Sohetookitoffwiththecollarandthrewitaway。Thenhesaidsomethingaboutservantsgenerallyandtriedtogetapeg。Hepaideightannasforthedrink，andthisrevealedtohimthathehadonlysixannasmoreinhispocket——orintheworldashestoodatthathour。
HewenttotheStation-Mastertonegotiateforafirst-classtickettoKhasa，wherehewasstationed。Thebooking-clerksaidsomethingtotheStation-Master，theStation-MastersaidsomethingtotheTelegraphClerk，andthethreelookedathimwithcuriosity。Theyaskedhimtowaitforhalf-an-hour，whiletheytelegraphedtoUmritsarforauthority。Sohewaited，andfourconstablescameandgroupedthemselvespicturesquelyroundhim。Justashewaspreparingtoaskthemtogoaway，theStation-MastersaidthathewouldgivetheSahibatickettoUmritsar，iftheSahibwouldkindlycomeinsidethebooking-office。Golightlysteppedinside，andthenextthingheknewwasthataconstablewasattachedtoeachofhislegsandarms，whiletheStation-Masterwastryingtocramamailbagoverhishead。
Therewasaveryfairscuffleallroundthebooking-office，andGolightlyreceivedanastycutoverhiseyethroughfallingagainstatable。Buttheconstablesweretoomuchforhim，andtheyandtheStation-Masterhandcuffedhimsecurely。Assoonasthemail-bagwasslipped，hebeganexpressinghisopinions，andthehead-constablesaid:——“Withoutdoubtthisisthesoldier-Englishmanwerequired。
Listentotheabuse！“ThenGolightlyaskedtheStation-Masterwhatthethisandthethattheproceedingsmeant。TheStation-Mastertoldhimhewas“PrivateJohnBinkleofthe——Regiment，5ft。9
in。，fairhair，grayeyes，andadissipatedappearance，nomarksonthebody，“whohaddesertedafortnightago。Golightlybeganexplainingatgreatlength；andthemoreheexplainedthelesstheStation-Masterbelievedhim。HesaidthatnoLieutenantcouldlooksucharuffianasdidGolightly，andthathisinstructionsweretosendhiscaptureunderproperescorttoUmritsar。Golightlywasfeelingverydampanduncomfortable，andthelanguageheusedwasnotfitforpublication，eveninanexpurgatedform。ThefourconstablessawhimsafetoUmritsarinan“intermediate“
compartment，andhespentthefour-hourjourneyinabusingthemasfluentlyashisknowledgeofthevernacularsallowed。
AtUmritsarhewasbundledoutontheplatformintothearmsofaCorporalandtwomenofthe——Regiment。Golightlydrewhimselfupandtriedtocarryoffmattersjauntily。Hedidnotfeeltoojauntyinhandcuffs，withfourconstablesbehindhim，andthebloodfromthecutonhisforeheadstiffeningonhisleftcheek。TheCorporalwasnotjoculareither。Golightlygotasfaras——“Thisisaveryabsurdmistake，mymen，“whentheCorporaltoldhimto“stowhislip“andcomealong。Golightlydidnotwanttocomealong。Hedesiredtostopandexplain。Heexplainedverywellindeed，untiltheCorporalcutinwith:——“YOUaorficer！It\'sthelikeo\'YOUasbringsdisgraceonthelikesofUS。Bloom-in\'fineorficeryouare！
Iknowyourregiment。TheRogue\'sMarchisthequickstepwhereyoucomefrom。You\'reablackshametotheService。”
Golightlykepthistemper，andbeganexplainingalloveragainfromthebeginning。Thenhewasmarchedoutoftherainintotherefreshment-roomandtoldnottomakeaqualifiedfoolofhimself。
ThemenweregoingtorunhimuptoFortGovindghar。And“runningup“isaperformancealmostasundignifiedastheFrogMarch。
Golightlywasnearlyhystericalwithrageandthechillandthemistakeandthehandcuffsandtheheadachethatthecutonhisforeheadhadgivenhim。Hereallylaidhimselfouttoexpresswhatwasinhismind。Whenhehadquitefinishedandhisthroatwasfeelingdry，oneofthemensaid:——“I\'ve\'eardafewbeggarsintheclickblind，stiffandcrackonabit；butI\'venever\'eardanyonetotouchthis\'ere\'orficer。\'“Theywerenotangrywithhim。Theyratheradmiredhim。Theyhadsomebeerattherefreshment-room，andofferedGolightlysometoo，becausehehad“sworewon\'erful。”TheyaskedhimtotellthemallabouttheadventuresofPrivateJohnBinklewhilehewaslooseonthecountryside；andthatmadeGolightlywilderthanever。Ifhehadkepthiswitsabouthimhewouldhavekeptquietuntilanofficercame；butheattemptedtorun。
NowthebuttofaMartiniinthesmallofyourbackhurtsagreatdeal，androtten，rain-soakedkhakitearseasilywhentwomenarejerkingatyourcollar。
Golightlyrosefromthefloorfeelingverysickandgiddy，withhisshirtrippedopenalldownhisbreastandnearlyalldownhisback。
Heyieldedtohisluck，andatthatpointthedown-trainfromLahorecameincarryingoneofGolightly\'sMajors。
ThisistheMajor\'sevidenceinfull:——
“Therewasthesoundofascuffleinthesecond-classrefreshment-
room，soIwentinandsawthemostvillainousloaferthatIeverseteyeson。Hisbootsandbreecheswereplasteredwithmudandbeer-stains。Heworeamuddy-whitedunghillsortofthingonhishead，andithungdowninslipsonhisshoulders，whichwereagooddealscratched。Hewashalfinandhalfoutofashirtasnearlyintwopiecesasitcouldbe，andhewasbeggingtheguardtolookatthenameonthetailofit。Ashehadruckedtheshirtalloverhishead，Icouldn\'tatfirstseewhohewas，butIfanciedthathewasamaninthefirststageofD。T。fromthewayhesworewhilehewrestledwithhisrags。Whenheturnedround，andIhadmadeallowanceforalumpasbigasapork-pieoveroneeye，andsomegreenwar-paintontheface，andsomevioletstripesroundtheneck，IsawthatitwasGolightly。Hewasverygladtoseeme，“saidtheMajor，“andhehopedIwouldnottelltheMessaboutit。Ididn\'t，butyoucanifyoulike，nowthatGolightlyhasgoneHome。”
GolightlyspentthegreaterpartofthatsummerintryingtogettheCorporalandthetwosoldierstriedbyCourt-Martialforarrestingan“officerandagentleman。”Theywere，ofcourse，verysorryfortheirerror。Butthetaleleakedintotheregimentalcanteen，andthenceranabouttheProvince。
THEHOUSEOFSUDDHOO
Astone\'sthrowoutoneitherhandFromthatwell-orderedroadwetread，Andalltheworldiswildandstrange；
ChurelandghoulandDjinnandspriteShallbearuscompanyto-night，ForwehavereachedtheOldestLandWhereinthePowersofDarknessrange。
FromtheDusktotheDawn。
ThehouseofSuddhoo，neartheTaksaliGate，istwo-storied，withfourcarvedwindowsofoldbrownwood，andaflatroof。Youmayrecognizeitbyfiveredhand-printsarrangedliketheFiveofDiamondsonthewhitewashbetweentheupperwindows。BhagwanDass，thebunnia，andamanwhosayshegetshislivingbyseal-cutting，liveinthelowerstorywithatroopofwives，servants，friends，andretainers。ThetwoupperroomsusedtobeoccupiedbyJanooandAzizunandalittleblack-and-tanterrierthatwasstolenfromanEnglishman\'shouseandgiventoJanoobyasoldier。To-day，onlyJanoolivesintheupperrooms。Suddhoosleepsontheroofgenerally，exceptwhenhesleepsinthestreet。HeusedtogotoPeshawarinthecoldweathertovisithisson，whosellscuriositiesneartheEdwardes\'Gate，andthenhesleptunderarealmudroof。
Suddhooisagreatfriendofmine，becausehiscousinhadasonwhosecured，thankstomyrecommendation，thepostofhead-messengertoabigfirmintheStation。SuddhoosaysthatGodwillmakemeaLieutenant-Governoroneofthesedays。Idaresayhisprophecywillcometrue。Heisvery，veryold，withwhitehairandnoteethworthshowing，andhehasoutlivedhiswits——outlivednearlyeverythingexcepthisfondnessforhissonatPeshawar。JanooandAzizunareKashmiris，LadiesoftheCity，andtheirswasanancientandmoreorlesshonorableprofession；butAzizunhassincemarriedamedicalstudentfromtheNorth-WestandhassettleddowntoamostrespectablelifesomewherenearBareilly。BhagwanDassisanextortionateandanadulterator。Heisveryrich。Themanwhoissupposedtogethislivingbyseal-cuttingpretendstobeverypoor。
ThisletsyouknowasmuchasisnecessaryofthefourprincipaltenantsinthehouseofSuddhoo。ThenthereisMe，ofcourse；butI
amonlythechorusthatcomesinattheendtoexplainthings。SoI
donotcount。
Suddhoowasnotclever。Themanwhopretendedtocutsealswasthecleverestofthemall——BhagwanDassonlyknewhowtolie——exceptJanoo。Shewasalsobeautiful，butthatwasherownaffair。
Suddhoo\'ssonatPeshawarwasattackedbypleurisy，andoldSuddhoowastroubled。Theseal-cuttermanheardofSuddhoo\'sanxietyandmadecapitaloutofit。Hewasabreastofthetimes。HegotafriendinPeshawartotelegraphdailyaccountsoftheson\'shealth。
Andherethestorybegins。
Suddhoo\'scousin\'ssontoldme，oneevening，thatSuddhoowantedtoseeme；thathewastoooldandfeebletocomepersonally，andthatIshouldbeconferringaneverlastinghonorontheHouseofSuddhooifIwenttohim。Iwent；butIthink，seeinghowwell-offSuddhoowasthen，thathemighthavesentsomethingbetterthananekka，whichjoltedfearfully，tohauloutafutureLieutenant-GovernortotheCityonamuggyAprilevening。Theekkadidnotrunquickly。
ItwasfulldarkwhenwepulledupoppositethedoorofRanjitSingh\'sTombnearthemaingateoftheFort。HerewasSuddhooandhesaidthat，byreasonofmycondescension，itwasabsolutelycertainthatIshouldbecomeaLieutenant-Governorwhilemyhairwasyetblack。Thenwetalkedabouttheweatherandthestateofmyhealth，andthewheatcrops，forfifteenminutes，intheHuzuriBagh，underthestars。
Suddhoocametothepointatlast。HesaidthatJanoohadtoldhimthattherewasanorderoftheSirkaragainstmagic，becauseitwasfearedthatmagicmightonedaykilltheEmpressofIndia。Ididn\'tknowanythingaboutthestateofthelaw；butIfanciedthatsomethinginterestingwasgoingtohappen。IsaidthatsofarfrommagicbeingdiscouragedbytheGovernmentitwashighlycommended。
ThegreatestofficialsoftheStatepracticeditthemselves。IftheFinancialStatementisn\'tmagic，Idon\'tknowwhatis。Then，toencouragehimfurther，Isaidthat，iftherewasanyjadooafoot，Ihadnottheleastobjectiontogivingitmycountenanceandsanction，andtoseeingthatitwascleanjadoo——whitemagic，asdistinguishedfromtheuncleanjadoowhichkillsfolk。IttookalongtimebeforeSuddhooadmittedthatthiswasjustwhathehadaskedmetocomefor。Thenhetoldme，injerksandquavers，thatthemanwhosaidhecutsealswasasorcererofthecleanestkind；
thateverydayhegaveSuddhoonewsofthesicksoninPeshawarmorequicklythanthelightningcouldfly，andthatthisnewswasalwayscorroboratedbytheletters。Further，thathehadtoldSuddhoohowagreatdangerwasthreateninghisson，whichcouldberemovedbycleanjadoo；and，ofcourse，heavypayment。Ibegantoseehowthelandlay，andtoldSuddhoothatIalsounderstoodalittlejadoointheWesternline，andwouldgotohishousetoseethateverythingwasdonedecentlyandinorder。Wesetofftogether；andonthewaySuddhootoldmehehadpaidtheseal-cutterbetweenonehundredandtwohundredrupeesalready；andthejadooofthatnightwouldcosttwohundredmore。Whichwascheap，hesaid，consideringthegreatnessofhisson\'sdanger；butIdonotthinkhemeantit。
Thelightswereallcloakedinthefrontofthehousewhenwearrived。Icouldhearawfulnoisesfrombehindtheseal-cutter\'sshop-front，asifsomeoneweregroaninghissoulout。Suddhooshookallover，andwhilewegropedourwayupstairstoldmethatthejadoohadbegun。JanooandAzizunmetusatthestair-head，andtoldusthatthejadoo-workwascomingoffintheirrooms，becausetherewasmorespacethere。Janooisaladyofafreethinkingturnofmind。ShewhisperedthatthejadoowasaninventiontogetmoneyoutofSuddhoo，andthattheseal-cutterwouldgotoahotplacewhenhedied。Suddhoowasnearlycryingwithfearandoldage。Hekeptwalkingupanddowntheroominthehalflight，repeatinghisson\'snameoverandoveragain，andaskingAzizuniftheseal-cutteroughtnottomakeareductioninthecaseofhisownlandlord。
Janoopulledmeovertotheshadowintherecessofthecarvedbow-
windows。Theboardswereup，andtheroomswereonlylitbyonetinylamp。TherewasnochanceofmybeingseenifIstayedstill。
Presently，thegroansbelowceased，andweheardstepsonthestaircase。Thatwastheseal-cutter。HestoppedoutsidethedoorastheterrierbarkedandAzizunfumbledatthechain，andhetoldSuddhootoblowoutthelamp。Thislefttheplaceinjetdarkness，exceptfortheredglowfromthetwohuqasthatbelongedtoJanooandAzizun。Theseal-cuttercamein，andIheardSuddhoothrowhimselfdownonthefloorandgroan。Azizuncaughtherbreath，andJanoobackedtooneofthebedswithashudder。Therewasaclinkofsomethingmetallic，andthenshotupapaleblue-greenflameneartheground。ThelightwasjustenoughtoshowAzizun，pressedagainstonecorneroftheroomwiththeterrierbetweenherknees；
Janoo，withherhandsclasped，leaningforwardasshesatonthebed；Suddhoo，facedown，quivering，andtheseal-cutter。
IhopeImayneverseeanothermanlikethatseal-cutter。Hewasstrippedtothewaist，withawreathofwhitejasmineasthickasmywristroundhisforehead，asalmon-coloredloin-clothroundhismiddle，andasteelbangleoneachankle。Thiswasnotawe-
inspiring。Itwasthefaceofthemanthatturnedmecold。Itwasblue-grayinthefirstplace。Inthesecond，theeyeswererolledbacktillyoucouldonlyseethewhitesofthem；and，inthethird，thefacewasthefaceofademon——aghoul——anythingyoupleaseexceptofthesleek，oilyoldruffianwhosatintheday-timeoverhisturning-lathedownstairs。Hewaslyingonhisstomach，withhisarmsturnedandcrossedbehindhim，asifhehadbeenthrowndownpinioned。Hisheadandneckweretheonlypartsofhimoffthefloor。Theywerenearlyatrightanglestothebody，liketheheadofacobraatspring。Itwasghastly。Inthecentreoftheroom，onthebareearthfloor，stoodabig，deep，brassbasin，withapaleblue-greenlightfloatinginthecentrelikeanight-light。Roundthatbasinthemanonthefloorwriggledhimselfthreetimes。HowhediditIdonotknow。Icouldseethemusclesripplealonghisspineandfallsmoothagain；butIcouldnotseeanyothermotion。
Theheadseemedtheonlythingaliveabouthim，exceptthatslowcurlanduncurlofthelaboringback-muscles。Janoofromthebedwasbreathingseventytotheminute；Azizunheldherhandsbeforehereyes；andoldSuddhoo，fingeringatthedirtthathadgotintohiswhitebeard，wascryingtohimself。Thehorrorofitwasthatthecreeping，crawlythingmadenosound——onlycrawled！And，remember，thislastedfortenminutes，whiletheterrierwhined，andAzizunshuddered，andJanoogasped，andSuddhoocried。
Ifeltthehairliftatthebackofmyhead，andmyheartthumplikeathermantidotepaddle。Luckily，theseal-cutterbetrayedhimselfbyhismostimpressivetrickandmademecalmagain。Afterhehadfinishedthatunspeakabletriplecrawl，hestretchedhisheadawayfromthefloorashighashecould，andsentoutajetoffirefromhisnostrils。Now，Iknewhowfire-spoutingisdone——Icandoitmyself——soIfeltatease。Thebusinesswasafraud。Ifhehadonlykepttothatcrawlwithouttryingtoraisetheeffect，goodnessknowswhatImightnothavethought。Boththegirlsshriekedatthejetoffireandtheheaddropped，chindown，onthefloorwithathud；thewholebodylyingthenlikeacorpsewithitsarmstrussed。
Therewasapauseoffivefullminutesafterthis，andtheblue-
greenflamedieddown。Janoostoopedtosettleoneofheranklets，whileAzizunturnedherfacetothewallandtooktheterrierinherarms。SuddhooputoutanarmmechanicallytoJanoo\'shuqa，andshesliditacrossthefloorwithherfoot。Directlyabovethebodyandonthewall，wereacoupleofflamingportraits，instampedpaperframes，oftheQueenandthePrinceofWales。Theylookeddownontheperformance，and，tomythinking，seemedtoheightenthegrotesquenessofitall。
Justwhenthesilencewasgettingunendurable，thebodyturnedoverandrolledawayfromthebasintothesideoftheroom，whereitlaystomachup。Therewasafaint“plop“fromthebasin——exactlylikethenoiseafishmakeswhenittakesafly——andthegreenlightinthecentrerevived。
Ilookedatthebasin，andsaw，bobbinginthewater，thedried，shrivelled，blackheadofanativebaby——openeyes，openmouthandshavedscalp。Itwasworse，beingsoverysudden，thanthecrawlingexhibition。Wehadnotimetosayanythingbeforeitbegantospeak。
ReadPoe\'saccountofthevoicethatcamefromthemesmerizeddyingman，andyouwillrealizelessthanone-halfofthehorrorofthathead\'svoice。
Therewasanintervalofasecondortwobetweeneachword，andasortof“ring，ring，ring，“inthenoteofthevoice，likethetimbreofabell。Itpealedslowly，asiftalkingtoitself，forseveralminutesbeforeIgotridofmycoldsweat。Thentheblessedsolutionstruckme。Ilookedatthebodylyingnearthedoorway，andsaw，justwherethehollowofthethroatjoinsontheshoulders，amusclethathadnothingtodowithanyman\'sregularbreathing，twitchingawaysteadily。ThewholethingwasacarefulreproductionoftheEgyptianteraphinthatonereadaboutsometimesandthevoicewasascleverandasappallingapieceofventriloquismasonecouldwishtohear。Allthistimetheheadwas“lip-lip-lapping“againstthesideofthebasin，andspeaking。IttoldSuddhoo，onhisfaceagainwhining，ofhisson\'sillnessandofthestateoftheillnessuptotheeveningofthatverynight。Ialwaysshallrespecttheseal-cutterforkeepingsofaithfullytothetimeofthePeshawartelegrams。Itwentontosaythatskilleddoctorswerenightanddaywatchingovertheman\'slife；andthathewouldeventuallyrecoverifthefeetothepotentsorcerer，whoseservantwastheheadinthebasin，weredoubled。
Herethemistakefromtheartisticpointofviewcamein。ToaskfortwiceyourstipulatedfeeinavoicethatLazarusmighthaveusedwhenherosefromthedead，isabsurd。Janoo，whoisreallyawomanofmasculineintellect，sawthisasquicklyasIdid。Iheardhersay“Aslinahin！Fareib！“scornfullyunderherbreath；andjustasshesaidso，thelightinthebasindiedout，theheadstoppedtalking，andweheardtheroomdoorcreakonitshinges。ThenJanoostruckamatch，litthelamp，andwesawthathead，basin，andseal-
cutterweregone。Suddhoowaswringinghishandsandexplainingtoanyonewhocaredtolisten，that，ifhischancesofeternalsalvationdependedonit，hecouldnotraiseanothertwohundredrupees。Azizunwasnearlyinhystericsinthecorner；whileJanoosatdowncomposedlyononeofthebedstodiscusstheprobabilitiesofthewholethingbeingabunao，or“make-up。”
IexplainedasmuchasIknewoftheseal-cutter\'swayofjadoo；butherargumentwasmuchmoresimple:——“Themagicthatisalwaysdemandinggiftsisnotruemagic，“saidshe。“Mymothertoldmethattheonlypotentlove-spellsarethosewhicharetoldyouforlove。Thisseal-cuttermanisaliarandadevil。Idarenottell，doanything，orgetanythingdone，becauseIamindebttoBhagwanDassthebunniafortwogoldringsandaheavyanklet。Imustgetmyfoodfromhisshop。Theseal-cutteristhefriendofBhagwanDass，andhewouldpoisonmyfood。Afool\'sjadoohasbeengoingonfortendays，andhascostSuddhoomanyrupeeseachnight。Theseal-cutterusedblackhensandlemonsandmantrasbefore。Henevershowedusanythinglikethistillto-night。Azizunisafool，andwillbeapurdahnashinsoon。Suddhoohaslosthisstrengthandhiswits。Seenow！IhadhopedtogetfromSuddhoomanyrupeeswhilehelived，andmanymoreafterhisdeath；andbehold，heisspendingeverythingonthatoffspringofadevilandashe-ass，theseal-
cutter！“
HereIsaid:——“ButwhatinducedSuddhootodragmeintothebusiness?OfcourseIcanspeaktotheseal-cutter，andheshallrefund。Thewholethingischild\'stalk——shame——andsenseless。”
“SuddhooISanoldchild，“saidJanoo。“Hehaslivedontheroofstheseseventyyearsandisassenselessasamilch-goat。HebroughtyouheretoassurehimselfthathewasnotbreakinganylawoftheSirkar，whosesaltheatemanyyearsago。Heworshipsthedustoffthefeetoftheseal-cutter，andthatcow-devourerhasforbiddenhimtogoandseehisson。WhatdoesSuddhooknowofyourlawsorthelightning-post?Ihavetowatchhismoneygoingdaybydaytothatlyingbeastbelow。”
Janoostampedherfootonthefloorandnearlycriedwithvexation；
whileSuddhoowaswhimperingunderablanketinthecorner，andAzizunwastryingtoguidethepipe-stemtohisfoolisholdmouth……
Nowthecasestandsthus。Unthinkingly，Ihavelaidmyselfopentothechargeofaidingandabettingtheseal-cutterinobtainingmoneyunderfalsepretences，whichisforbiddenbySection420oftheIndianPenalCode。Iamhelplessinthematterforthesereasons，I
cannotinformthePolice。Whatwitnesseswouldsupportmystatements?Janoorefusesflatly，AzizunisaveiledwomansomewherenearBareilly——lostinthisbigIndiaofours。Icannotagaintakethelawintomyownhands，andspeaktotheseal-cutter；
forcertainamIthat，notonlywouldSuddhoodisbelieveme，butthisstepwouldendinthepoisoningofJanoo，whoisboundhandandfootbyherdebttothebunnia。Suddhooisanolddotard；andwheneverwemeetmumblesmyidioticjokethattheSirkarratherpatronizestheBlackArtthanotherwise。Hissoniswellnow；butSuddhooiscompletelyundertheinfluenceoftheseal-cutter，bywhoseadviceheregulatestheaffairsofhislife。JanoowatchesdailythemoneythatshehopedtowheedleoutofSuddhootakenbytheseal-cutter，andbecomesdailymorefuriousandsullen。
Shewillnevertell，becauseshedarenot；but，unlesssomethinghappenstopreventher，Iamafraidthattheseal-cutterwilldieofcholera——thewhitearsenickind——aboutthemiddleofMay。AndthusIshallhavetobeprivytoamurderintheHouseofSuddhoo。
HISWEDDEDWIFE。
Cry“Murder！“inthemarket-place，andeachWillturnuponhisneighboranxiouseyesThatask:——“Artthoutheman?“WehuntedCain，Somecenturiesago，acrosstheworld，ThatbredthefearourownmisdeedsmaintainTo-day。
Vibart\'sMoralities。
Shakespearesayssomethingaboutworms，oritmaybegiantsorbeetles，turningifyoutreadonthemtooseverely。Thesafestplanisnevertotreadonaworm——notevenonthelastnewsubalternfromHome，withhisbuttonshardlyoutoftheirtissuepaper，andtheredofsappyEnglishbeefinhischeeks。Thisisthestoryofthewormthatturned。Forthesakeofbrevity，wewillcallHenryAugustusRamsayFaizanne，“TheWorm，“althoughhereallywasanexceedinglyprettyboy，withoutahaironhisface，andwithawaistlikeagirl\'swhenhecameouttotheSecond“Shikarris“andwasmadeunhappyinseveralways。The“Shikarris“areahigh-casteregiment，andyoumustbeabletodothingswell——playabanjoorridemorethanalittle，orsing，oract——togetonwiththem。
TheWormdidnothingexceptfalloffhispony，andknockchipsoutofgate-postswithhistrap。Eventhatbecamemonotonousafteratime。Heobjectedtowhist，cuttheclothatbilliards，sangoutoftune，keptverymuchtohimself，andwrotetohisMammaandsistersatHome。Fourofthesefivethingswereviceswhichthe“Shikarris“
objectedtoandsetthemselvestoeradicate。Everyoneknowshowsubalternsare，bybrothersubalterns，softenedandnotpermittedtobeferocious。Itisgoodandwholesome，anddoesnooneanyharm，unlesstempersarelost；andthenthereistrouble。Therewasamanonce——butthatisanotherstory。
The“Shikarris“shikarredTheWormverymuch，andheboreeverythingwithoutwinking。Hewassogoodandsoanxioustolearn，andflushedsopink，thathiseducationwascutshort，andhewaslefttohisowndevicesbyeveryoneexcepttheSeniorSubaltern，whocontinuedtomakelifeaburdentoTheWorm。TheSeniorSubalternmeantnoharm；buthischaffwascoarse，andhedidn\'tquiteunderstandwheretostop。Hehadbeenwaitingtoolongforhiscompany；andthatalwayssoursaman。Alsohewasinlove，whichmadehimworse。
Oneday，afterhehadborrowedTheWorm\'strapforaladywhoneverexisted，hadusedithimselfalltheafternoon，hadsentanotetoTheWormpurportingtocomefromthelady，andwastellingtheMessallaboutit，TheWormroseinhisplaceandsaid，inhisquiet，ladylikevoice:“Thatwasaveryprettysell；butI\'lllayyouamonth\'spaytoamonth\'spaywhenyougetyourstep，thatIworkasellonyouthatyou\'llrememberfortherestofyourdays，andtheRegimentafteryouwhenyou\'redeadorbroke。”TheWormwasn\'tangryintheleast，andtherestoftheMessshouted。ThentheSeniorSubalternlookedatTheWormfromthebootsupwards，anddownagain，andsaid，“Done，Baby。”TheWormtooktherestoftheMesstowitnessthatthebethadbeentaken，andretiredintoabookwithasweetsmile。
Twomonthspassed，andtheSeniorSubalternstilleducatedTheWorm，whobegantomoveaboutalittlemoreasthehotweathercameon。I
havesaidthattheSeniorSubalternwasinlove。ThecuriousthingisthatagirlwasinlovewiththeSeniorSubaltern。ThoughtheColonelsaidawfulthings，andtheMajorssnorted，andmarriedCaptainslookedunutterablewisdom，andthejuniorsscoffed，thosetwowereengaged。
TheSeniorSubalternwassopleasedwithgettinghisCompanyandhisacceptanceatthesametimethatheforgottobotherTheWorm。Thegirlwasaprettygirl，andhadmoneyofherown。Shedoesnotcomeintothisstoryatall。
Onenight，atthebeginningofthehotweather，alltheMess，exceptTheWorm，whohadgonetohisownroomtowriteHomeletters，weresittingontheplatformoutsidetheMessHouse。TheBandhadfinishedplaying，butnoonewantedtogoin。AndtheCaptains\'
wivesweretherealso。Thefollyofamaninloveisunlimited。
TheSeniorSubalternhadbeenholdingforthonthemeritsofthegirlhewasengagedto，andtheladieswerepurringapproval，whilethemenyawned，whentherewasarustleofskirtsinthedark，andatired，faintvoicelifteditself:
“Where\'smyhusband?“