WhentheSupremeGovernmentisatSimla,thesepapersarepreparedthere,andgoroundtothepeoplewhooughttoseetheminoffice-
boxesorbypost。TheprincipleofsecrecywastothatViceroyquiteasimportantasthepractice,andheheldthatabenevolentdespotismlikeOursshouldneverallowevenlittlethings,suchasappointmentsofsubordinateclerks,toleakouttillthepropertime。Hewasalwaysremarkableforhisprinciples。
Therewasaveryimportantbatchofpapersinpreparationatthattime。IthadtotravelfromoneendofSimlatotheotherbyhand。
Itwasnotputintoanofficialenvelope,butalarge,square,pale-pinkone;thematterbeinginMS。onsoftcrinkleypaper。Itwasaddressedto“TheHeadClerk,etc。,etc。”Now,between“TheHeadClerk,etc。,etc。,“and“Mrs。Hauksbee“andaflourish,isnoverygreatdifferenceiftheaddressbewritteninaverybadhand,asthiswas。Thechaprassiwhotooktheenvelopewasnotmoreofanidiotthanmostchaprassis。Hemerelyforgotwherethismostunofficialcoverwastobedelivered,andsoaskedthefirstEnglishmanhemet,whohappenedtobeamanridingdowntoAnnandaleinagreathurry。TheEnglishmanhardlylooked,said:
“HauksbeeSahibkiMem,“andwenton。Sodidthechaprasss,becausethatletterwasthelastinstockandhewantedtogethisworkover。Therewasnobooktosign;hethrusttheletterintoMrs。Hauksbee\'sbearer\'shandsandwentofftosmokewithafriend。
Mrs。Hauksbeewasexpectingsomecut-outpatternthingsinflimsypaperfromafriend。Assoonasshegotthebigsquarepacket,therefore,shesaid,“Oh,theDEARcreature!“andtoreitopenwithapaper-knife,andalltheMS。enclosurestumbledoutonthefloor。
Mrs。Hauksbeebeganreading。Ihavesaidthebatchwasratherimportant。Thatisquiteenoughforyoutoknow。Itreferredtosomecorrespondence,twomeasures,aperemptoryordertoanativechiefandtwodozenotherthings。Mrs。Hauksbeegaspedassheread,forthefirstglimpseofthenakedmachineryoftheGreatIndianGovernment,strippedofitscasings,andlacquer,andpaint,andguard-rails,impresseseventhemoststupidman。AndMrs。
Hauksbeewasacleverwoman。Shewasalittleafraidatfirst,andfeltasifshehadlaidholdofalightning-flashbythetail,anddidnotquiteknowwhattodowithit。Therewereremarksandinitialsatthesideofthepapers;andsomeoftheremarkswererathermoreseverethanthepapers。Theinitialsbelongedtomenwhoarealldeadorgonenow;buttheyweregreatintheirday。
Mrs。Hauksbeereadonandthoughtcalmlyassheread。Thenthevalueofhertrovestruckher,andshecastaboutforthebestmethodofusingit。ThenTarriondroppedin,andtheyreadthroughallthepaperstogether,andTarrion,notknowinghowshehadcomebythem,vowedthatMrs。Hauksbeewasthegreatestwomanonearth。
WhichIbelievewastrue,ornearlyso。
“Thehonestcourseisalwaysthebest,“saidTarrionafteranhourandahalfofstudyandconversation。“Allthingsconsidered,theIntelligenceBranchisaboutmyform。EitherthatortheForeignOffice。IgotolaysiegetotheHighGodsintheirTemples。”
Hedidnotseekalittleman,oralittlebigman,oraweakHeadofastrongDepartment,buthecalledonthebiggestandstrongestmanthattheGovernmentowned,andexplainedthathewantedanappointmentatSimlaonagoodsalary。ThecompoundinsolenceofthisamusedtheStrongMan,and,ashehadnothingtodoforthemoment,helistenedtotheproposalsoftheaudaciousTarrion。
“Youhave,Ipresume,somespecialqualifications,besidesthegiftofself-assertion,fortheclaimsyouputforwards?“saidtheStrongMan。“That,Sir,“saidTarrion,“isforyoutojudge。”
Thenhebegan,forhehadagoodmemory,quotingafewofthemoreimportantnotesinthepapers——slowlyandonebyoneasamandropschlorodyneintoaglass。Whenhehadreachedtheperemptoryorder——
anditWASaperemptoryorder——theStrongManwastroubled。
Tarrionwoundup:——“AndIfancythatspecialknowledgeofthiskindisatleastasvaluablefor,letussay,aberthintheForeignOffice,asthefactofbeingthenephewofadistingushedofficer\'swife。”ThathittheStrongManhard,forthelastappointmenttotheForeignOfficehadbeenbyblackfavor,andheknewit。“I\'llseewhatIcandoforyou,“saidtheStrongMan。“Manythanks,“
saidTarrion。Thenheleft,andtheStrongMandepartedtoseehowtheappointmentwastobeblocked……
Followedapauseofelevendays;withthundersandlightningsandmuchtelegraphing。Theappointmentwasnotaveryimportantone,carryingonlybetweenRs。500andRs。700amonth;but,astheViceroysaid,itwastheprincipleofdiplomaticsecrecythathadtobemaintained,anditwasmorethanlikelythataboysowellsuppliedwithspecialinformationwouldbeworthtranslating。Sotheytranslatedhim。Theymusthavesuspectedhim,thoughheprotestedthathisinformationwasduetosingulartalentsofhisown。Now,muchofthisstory,includingtheafter-historyofthemissingenvelope,youmustfillinforyourself,becausetherearereasonswhyitcannotbewritten。IfyoudonotknowaboutthingsUpAbove,youwon\'tunderstandhowtofillitin,andyouwillsayitisimpossible。
WhattheViceroysaidwhenTarrionwasintroducedtohimwas:——“So,thisistheboywho\'rusked\'theGovernmentofIndia,isit?
Recollect,Sir,thatisnotdoneTWICE。”Sohemusthaveknownsomething。
WhatTarrionsaidwhenhesawhisappointmentgazettedwas:——“IfMrs。Hauksbeeweretwentyyearsyounger,andIherhusband,I
shouldbeViceroyofIndiaintwentyyears。”
WhatMrs。Hauksbeesaid,whenTarrionthankedher,almostwithtearsinhiseyes,wasfirst:——“Itoldyouso!“andnext,toherself:——“Whatfoolsmenare!“
THECONVERSIONOFAURELIANMcGOGGIN。
Ridewithanidlewhip,ridewithanunusedheel。
But,onceinaway,therewillcomeadayWhenthecoltmustbetaughttofeelThelashthatfalls,andthecurbthatgalls,andthestingoftherowelledsteel。
Life\'sHandicap。
Thisisnotataleexactly。ItisaTract;andIamimmenselyproudofit。MakingaTractisaFeat。
Everymanisentitledtohisownreligiousopinions;butnoman——
leastofallajunior——hasarighttothrustthesedownothermen\'sthroats。TheGovernmentsendsoutweirdCiviliansnowandagain;
butMcGogginwasthequeerestexportedforalongtime。Hewasclever——brilliantlyclever——buthiscleverenessworkedthewrongway。Insteadofkeepingtothestudyofthevernaculars,hehadreadsomebookswrittenbyamancalledComte,Ithink,andamancalledSpencer,andaProfessorClifford。[YouwillfindthesebooksintheLibrary。]Theydealwithpeople\'sinsidesfromthepointofviewofmenwhohavenostomachs。Therewasnoorderagainsthisreadingthem;buthisMammashouldhavesmackedhim。
Theyfermentedinhishead,andhecameouttoIndiawithararefiedreligionoverandabovehiswork。Itwasnotmuchofacreed。Itonlyprovedthatmenhadnosouls,andtherewasnoGodandnohereafter,andthatyoumustworryalongsomehowforthegoodofHumanity。
Oneofitsminortenetsseemedtobethattheonethingmoresinfulthangivinganorderwasobeyingit。Atleast,thatwaswhatMcGogginsaid;butIsuspecthehadmisreadhisprimers。
Idonotsayawordagainstthiscreed。ItwasmadeupinTown,wherethereisnothingbutmachineryandasphaltandbuilding——allshutinbythefog。Naturally,amangrowstothinkthatthereisnoonehigherthanhimself,andthattheMetropolitanBoardofWorksmadeeverything。Butinthiscountry,whereyoureallyseehumanity——raw,brown,nakedhumanity——withnothingbetweenitandtheblazingsky,andonlytheused-up,over-handledearthunderfoot,thenotionsomehowdiesaway,andmostfolkcomebacktosimplertheories。Life,inIndia,isnotlongenoughtowasteinprovingthatthereisnooneinparticularattheheadofaffairs。
Forthisreason。TheDeputyisabovetheAssistant,theCommissionerabovetheDeputy,theLieutenant-GovernorabovetheCommissioner,andtheViceroyaboveallfour,undertheordersoftheSecretaryofState,whoisresponsibletotheEmpress。IftheEmpressbenotresponsibletoherMaker——ifthereisnoMakerforhertoberesponsibleto——theentiresystemofOuradministrationmustbewrong。Whichismanifestlyimpossible。AtHomemenaretobeexcused。Theyarestalledupagooddealandgetintellectually“beany。”Whenyoutakeagross,\'beany“horsetoexercise,heslaversandslobbersoverthebittillyoucan\'tseethehorns。
Butthebitistherejustthesame。Mendonotget“beany“inIndia。Theclimateandtheworkareagainstplayingbrickswithwords。
IfMcGogginhadkepthiscreed,withthecapitallettersandtheendingsin“isms,“tohimself,noonewouldhavecared;buthisgrandfathersonbothsideshadbeenWesleyanpreachers,andthepreachingstraincameoutinhismind。HewantedeveryoneattheClubtoseethattheyhadnosoulstoo,andtohelphimtoeliminatehisCreator。Asagoodmanymentoldhim,HEundoubtedlyhadnosoul,becausehewassoyoung,butitdidnotfollowthathisseniorswereequallyundeveloped;and,whethertherewasanotherworldornot,amanstillwantedtoreadhispapersinthis。“Butthatisnotthepoint——thatisnotthepoint!“Aurelianusedtosay。Thenmenthrewsofa-cushionsathimandtoldhimtogotoanyparticularplacehemightbelievein。Theychristenedhimthe“Blastoderm“——hesaidhecamefromafamilyofthatnamesomewhere,inthepre-historicages——and,byinsultandlaughter,strovetochokehimdumb,forhewasanunmitigatednuisanceattheClub;besidesbeinganoffencetotheoldermen。HisDeputyCommissioner,whowasworkingontheFrontierwhenAurelianwasrollingonabed-quilt,toldhimthat,foracleverboy,Aurelianwasaverybigidiot。And,youknow,ifhehadgoneonwithhiswork,hewouldhavebeencaughtuptotheSecretariatinafewyears。Hewasjustthetypethatgoesthere——allhead,nophysiqueandahundredtheories。NotasoulwasinterestedinMcGoggin\'ssoul。Hemighthavehadtwo,ornone,orsomebody\'selse\'s。HisbusinesswastoobeyordersandkeepabreastofhisfilesinsteadofdevastatingtheClubwith“isms。”
Heworkedbrilliantly;buthecouldnotacceptanyorderwithouttryingtobetterit。Thatwasthefaultofhiscreed。Itmadementooresponsibleandlefttoomuchtotheirhonor。Youcansometimesrideanoldhorseinahalter;butneveracolt。
McGoggintookmoretroubleoverhiscasesthananyofthemenofhisyear。Hemayhavefanciedthatthirty-pagejudgmentsonfifty-
rupeecases——bothsidesperjuredtothegullet——advancedthecauseofHumanity。Atanyrate,heworkedtoomuch,andworriedandfrettedovertherebukeshereceived,andlecturedawayonhisridiculouscreedoutofoffice,tilltheDoctorhadtowarnhimthathewasoverdoingit。NomancantoileighteenannasintherupeeinJunewithoutsuffering。ButMcGogginwasstillintellectually“beany“andproudofhimselfandhispowers,andhewouldtakenohint。Heworkedninehoursadaysteadily。
“Verywell,“saidthedoctor,“you\'llbreakdownbecauseyouareover-enginedforyourbeam。”McGogginwasalittlechap。
Oneday,thecollapsecame——asdramaticallyasifithadbeenmeanttoembellishaTract。
ItwasjustbeforetheRains。Weweresittingintheverandahinthedead,hot,closeair,gaspingandprayingthattheblack-bluecloudswouldletdownandbringthecool。Very,veryfaraway,therewasafaintwhisper,whichwastheroaroftheRainsbreakingovertheriver。Oneofthemenheardit,gotoutofhischair,listened,andsaid,naturallyenough:——“ThankGod!“
ThentheBlastodermturnedinhisplaceandsaid:——“Why?Iassureyouit\'sonlytheresultofperfectlynaturalcauses——atmosphericphenomenaofthesimplestkind。Whyyoushould,therefore,returnthankstoaBeingwhoneverdidexist——whoisonlyafigment——“
“Blastoderm,“gruntedthemaninthenextchair,“dryup,andthrowmeoverthePioneer。Weknowallaboutyourfigments。”TheBlastodermreachedouttothetable,tookuponepaper,andjumpedasifsomethinghadstunghim。Thenhehandedthepaperover。
“AsIwassaying,“hewentonslowlyandwithaneffort——“duetoperfectlynaturalcauses——perfectlynaturalcauses。Imean——“
“Hi!Blastoderm,you\'vegivenmetheCalcuttaMercantileAdvertiser。”
Thedustgotupinlittlewhorls,whilethetreetopsrockedandthekiteswhistled。ButnoonewaslookingatthecomingoftheRains。
WewereallstaringattheBlastoderm,whohadrisenfromhischairandwasfightingwithhisspeech。Thenhesaid,stillmoreslowly:——
“Perfectlyconceivable——dictionary——redoak——amenable——cause——
retaining——shuttlecock——alone。”
“Blastoderm\'sdrunk,“saidoneman。ButtheBlastodermwasnotdrunk。Helookedatusinadazedsortofway,andbeganmotioningwithhishandsinthehalflightasthecloudsclosedoverhead。
Then——withascream:——
“Whatisit?——Can\'t——reserve——attainable——market——obscure——“
Buthisspeechseemedtofreezeinhim,and——justasthelightningshottwotonguesthatcutthewholeskyintothreepiecesandtherainfellinquiveringsheets——theBlastodermwasstruckdumb。Hestoodpawingandchampinglikeahard-heldhorse,andhiseyeswerefullofterror。
TheDoctorcameoverinthreeminutes,andheardthestory。“It\'saphasia,“hesaid。“Takehimtohisroom。IKNEWthesmashwouldcome。”WecarriedtheBlastodermacross,inthepouringrain,tohisquarters,andtheDoctorgavehimbromideofpotassiumtomakehimsleep。
ThentheDoctorcamebacktousandtoldusthataphasiawaslikeallthearrearsof“PunjabHead“fallinginalump;andthatonlyoncebefore——inthecaseofasepoy——hadhemetwithsocompleteacase。Imyselfhaveseenmildaphasiainanoverworkedman,butthissuddendumbnesswasuncanny——though,astheBlastodermhimselfmighthavesaid,dueto“perfectlynaturalcauses。”
“He\'llhavetotakeleaveafterthis,“saidtheDoctor。“Hewon\'tbefitforworkforanotherthreemonths。No;itisn\'tinsanityoranythinglikeit。It\'sonlycompletelossofcontroloverthespeechandmemory。IfancyitwillkeeptheBlastodermquiet,though。”
Twodayslater,theBlastodermfoundhistongueagain。Thefirstquestionheaskedwas:“Whatwasit?“TheDoctorenlightenedhim。
“ButIcan\'tunderstandit!“saidtheBlastoderm;“I\'mquitesane;
butIcan\'tbesureofmymind,itseems——myOWNmemory——canI?“
“GoupintotheHillsforthreemonths,anddon\'tthinkaboutit,“
saidtheDoctor。
“ButIcan\'tunderstandit,“repeatedtheBlastoderm。“ItwasmyOWNmindandmemory。”
“Ican\'thelpit,“saidtheDoctor;“thereareagoodmanythingsyoucan\'tunderstand;and,bythetimeyouhaveputinmylengthofservice,you\'llknowexactlyhowmuchamandarecallhisowninthisworld。”
ThestrokecowedtheBlastoderm。Hecouldnotunderstandit。HewentintotheHillsinfearandtrembling,wonderingwhetherhewouldbepermittedtoreachtheendofanysentencehebegan。
Thisgavehimawholesomefeelingofmistrust。Thelegitimateexplanation,thathehadbeenoverworkinghimself,failedtosatisfyhim。Somethinghadwipedhislipsofspeech,asamotherwipesthemilkylipsofherchild,andhewasafraid——horriblyafraid。
SotheClubhadrestwhenhereturned;andifeveryoucomeacrossAurelianMcGogginlayingdownthelawonthingsHuman——hedoesn\'tseemtoknowasmuchasheusedtoaboutthingsDivine——putyourforefingeronyourlipforamoment,andseewhathappens。
Don\'tblamemeifhethrowsaglassatyourhead!
AGERMDESTROYER。
PleasantitisfortheLittleTinGods,WhengreatJovenods;
ButLittleTinGodsmaketheirlittlemistakesInmissingthehourwhengreatJovewakes。
Asageneralrule,itisinexpedienttomeddlewithquestionsofStateinalandwheremenarehighlypaidtoworkthemoutforyou。
Thistaleisajustifiableexception。
Onceineveryfiveyears,asyouknow,weindentforanewViceroy;
andeachViceroyimports,withtherestofhisbaggage,aPrivateSecretary,whomayormaynotbetherealViceroy,justasFateordains。FatelooksaftertheIndianEmpirebecauseitissobigandsohelpless。
TherewasaViceroyonce,whobroughtoutwithhimaturbulentPrivateSecretary——ahardmanwithasoftmannerandamorbidpassionforwork。ThisSecretarywascalledWonder——JohnFennilWonder。TheViceroypossessednoname——nothingbutastringofcountiesandtwo-thirdsofthealphabetafterthem。Hesaid,inconfidence,thathewastheelectro-platedfigureheadofagoldenadministration,andhewatchedinadreamy,amusedwayWonder\'sattemptstodrawmatterswhichwereentirelyoutsidehisprovinceintohisownhands。“Whenweareallcherubimstogether,“saidHisExcellencyonce,mydear,goodfriendWonderwillheadtheconspiracyforpluckingoutGabriel\'stail-feathersorstealingPeter\'skeys。THENIshallreporthim。”
But,thoughtheViceroydidnothingtocheckWonder\'sofficiousness,otherpeoplesaidunpleasantthings。MaybetheMembersofCouncilbeganit;but,finally,allSimlaagreedthattherewas“toomuchWonder,andtoolittleViceroy,“inthatregime。Wonderwasalwaysquoting“HisExcellency。”Itwas“HisExcellencythis,““HisExcellencythat,““IntheopinionofHisExcellency,“andsoon。TheViceroysmiled;buthedidnotheed。
Hesaidthat,solongashisoldmensquabbledwithhis“dear,goodWonder,“theymightbeinducedtoleavethe“ImmemorialEast“inpeace。
“Nowisemanhasapolicy,“saidtheViceroy。“APolicyistheblackmailleviedontheFoolbytheUnforeseen。Iamnottheformer,andIdonotbelieveinthelatter。”
Idonotquiteseewhatthismeans,unlessitreferstoanInsurancePolicy。PerhapsitwastheViceroy\'swayofsaying:——
“Lielow。”
Thatseason,cameuptoSimlaoneofthesecrazypeoplewithonlyasingleidea。Thesearethemenwhomakethingsmove;buttheyarenotnicetotalkto。Thisman\'snamewasMellish,andhehadlivedforfifteenyearsonlandofhisown,inLowerBengal,studyingcholera。Heheldthatcholerawasagermthatpropagateditselfasitflewthroughamuggyatmosphere;andstuckinthebranchesoftreeslikeawool-flake。Thegermcouldberenderedsterile,hesaid,by“Mellish\'sOwnInvincibleFumigatory“——aheavyviolet-
blackpowder——“theresultoffifteenyears\'scientificinvestigation,Sir!“
Inventorsseemverymuchalikeasacaste。Theytalkloudly,especiallyabout“conspiraciesofmonopolists;“theybeatuponthetablewiththeirfists;andtheysecretefragmentsoftheirinventionsabouttheirpersons。
MellishsaidthattherewasaMedical“Ring“atSimla,headedbytheSurgeon-General,whowasinleague,apparently,withalltheHospitalAssistantsintheEmpire。Iforgetexactlyhowheprovedit,butithadsomethingtodowith“skulkinguptotheHills;“andwhatMellishwantedwastheindependentevidenceoftheViceroy——
“StewardofourMostGraciousMajestytheQueen,Sir。”SoMellishwentuptoSimla,witheighty-fourpoundsofFumigatoryinhistrunk,tospeaktotheViceroyandtoshowhimthemeritsoftheinvention。
ButitiseasiertoseeaViceroythantotalktohim,unlessyouchancetobeasimportantasMellisheofMadras。Hewasasix-
thousand-rupeeman,sogreatthathisdaughtersnever“married。”
They“contractedalliances。”Hehimselfwasnotpaid。He“receivedemoluments,“andhisjourneysaboutthecountrywere“toursofobservation。”HisbusinesswastostirupthepeopleinMadraswithalongpole——asyoustirupstenchinapond——andthepeoplehadtocomeupoutoftheircomfortableoldwaysandgasp:——
“ThisisEnlightenmentandprogress。Isn\'titfine!“ThentheygaveMellishestatuesandjasminegarlands,inthehopeofgettingridofhim。
MellishecameuptoSimla“toconferwiththeViceroy。”Thatwasoneofhisperquisites。TheViceroyknewnothingofMellisheexceptthathewas“oneofthosemiddle-classdeitieswhoseemnecessarytothespiritualcomfortofthisParadiseoftheMiddle-
classes,“andthat,inallprobability,hehad“suggested,designed,founded,andendowedallthepublicinstitutionsinMadras。”WhichprovesthatHisExcellency,thoughdreamy,hadexperienceofthewaysofsix-thousand-rupeemen。
Mellishe\'snamewasE。MellisheandMellish\'swasE。S。Mellish,andtheywerebothstayingatthesamehotel,andtheFatethatlooksaftertheIndianEmpireordainedthatWondershouldblunderanddropthefinal“e;“thattheChaprassishouldhelphim,andthatthenotewhichran:“DearMr。Mellish——Canyousetasideyourotherengagementsandlunchwithusattwoto-morrow?HisExcellencyhasanhouratyourdisposalthen,“shouldbegiventoMellishwiththeFumigatory。Henearlyweptwithprideanddelight,andattheappointedhourcanteredofftoPeterhoff,abigpaper-bagfulloftheFumigatoryinhiscoat-tailpockets。Hehadhischance,andhemeanttomakethemostofit。MellisheofMadrashadbeensoportentouslysolemnabouthis“conference,“thatWonderhadarrangedforaprivatetiffin——noA-D。C。\'s,noWonder,noonebuttheViceroy,whosaidplaintivelythathefearedbeingleftalonewithunmuzzledautocratslikethegreatMellisheofMadras。
ButhisguestdidnotboretheViceroy。Onthecontrary,heamusedhim。MellishwasnervouslyanxioustogostraighttohisFumigatory,andtalkedatrandomuntiltiffinwasoverandHisExcellencyaskedhimtosmoke。TheViceroywaspleasedwithMellishbecausehedidnottalk“shop。”
Assoonasthecherootswerelit,Mellishspokelikeaman;
beginningwithhischolera-theory,reviewinghisfifteenyears\'
“scientificlabors,“themachinationsofthe“SimlaRing,“andtheexcellenceofhisFumigatory,whiletheViceroywatchedhimbetweenhalf-shuteyesandthought:“Evidently,thisisthewrongtiger;butitisanoriginalanimal。”Mellish\'shairwasstandingonendwithexcitement,andhestammered。Hebegangropinginhiscoat-tailsand,beforetheViceroyknewwhatwasabouttohappen,hehadtippedabagfulofhispowderintothebigsilverash-tray。
“J-j-judgeforyourself,Sir,“saidMellish。“Y\'Excellencyshalljudgeforyourself!Absolutelyinfallible,onmyhonor。”
Heplungedthelightedendofhiscigarintothepowder,whichbegantosmokelikeavolcano,andsendupfat,greasywreathsofcopper-
coloredsmoke。Infivesecondstheroomwasfilledwithamostpungentandsickeningstench——areekthattookfierceholdofthetrapofyourwindpipeandshutit。Thepowderthenhissedandfizzed,andsentoutblueandgreensparks,andthesmokerosetillyoucouldneithersee,norbreathe,norgasp。Mellish,however,wasusedtoit。
“Nitrateofstrontia,“heshouted;“baryta,bone-meal,etcetera!
Thousandcubicfeetsmokepercubicinch。Notagermcouldlive——
notagerm,Y\'Excellency!“
ButHisExcellencyhadfled,andwascoughingatthefootofthestairs,whileallPeterhoffhummedlikeahive。RedLancerscamein,andtheHeadChaprassi,whospeaksEnglish,camein,andmace-
bearerscamein,andladiesrandownstairsscreaming“fire;“forthesmokewasdriftingthroughthehouseandoozingoutofthewindows,andbellyingalongtheverandahs,andwreathingandwrithingacrossthegardens。NoonecouldentertheroomwhereMellishwaslecturingonhisFumigatory,tillthatunspeakablepowderhadburneditselfout。
ThenanAide-de-Camp,whodesiredtheV。C。,rushedthroughtherollingcloudsandhauledMellishintothehall。TheViceroywasprostratewithlaughter,andcouldonlywagglehishandsfeeblyatMellish,whowasshakingafreshbagfulofpowderathim。
“Glorious!Glorious!“sobbedhisExcellency。“Notagerm,asyoujustlyobserve,couldexist!Icanswearit。Amagnificentsuccess!“
Thenhelaughedtillthetearscame,andWonder,whohadcaughttherealMellishesnortingontheMall,enteredandwasdeeplyshockedatthescene。ButtheViceroywasdelighted,becausehesawthatWonderwouldpresentlydepart。MellishwiththeFumigatorywasalsopleased,forhefeltthathehadsmashedtheSimlaMedical“Ring。”……
FewmencouldtellastorylikeHisExcellencywhenhetookthetrouble,andtheaccountof“mydear,goodWonder\'sfriendwiththepowder“wenttheroundofSimla,andflippantfolkmadeWonderunhappybytheirremarks。
ButHisExcellencytoldthetaleoncetoooften——forWonder。Ashemeanttodo。ItwasataSeepeePicnic。WonderwassittingjustbehindtheViceroy。
“AndIreallythoughtforamoment,“woundupHisExcellency,“thatmydear,goodWonderhadhiredanassassintoclearhiswaytothethrone!“
Everyonelaughed;buttherewasadelicatesubtinkleintheViceroy\'stonewhichWonderunderstood。Hefoundthathishealthwasgivingway;andtheViceroyallowedhimtogo,andpresentedhimwithaflaming“character“foruseatHomeamongbigpeople。
“Myfaultentirely,“saidHisExcellency,inafterseasons,withatwinklinginhiseye。“Myinconsistencymustalwayshavebeendistastefultosuchamasterlyman。”
KIDNAPPED。
Thereisatideintheaffairsofmen,Which,takenanywayyouplease,isbad,AndstrandstheminforsakengutsandcreeksNodecentsoulwouldthinkofvisiting。
Youcannotstopthetide;butnowandthen,YoumayarrestsomerashadventurerWho——h\'m——willhardlythankyouforyourpains。
Vibart\'sMoralities。
Weareahigh-casteandenlightenedrace,andinfant-marriageisveryshockingandtheconsequencesaresometimespeculiar;but,nevertheless,theHindunotion——whichistheContinentalnotion——
whichistheaboriginalnotion——ofarrangingmarriagesirrespectiveofthepersonalinclinationsofthemarried,issound。Thinkforaminute,andyouwillseethatitmustbeso;unless,ofcourse,youbelievein“affinities。”Inwhichcaseyouhadbetternotreadthistale。Howcanamanwhohasnevermarried;whocannotbetrustedtopickupatsightamoderatelysoundhorse;whoseheadishotandupsetwithvisionsofdomesticfelicity,goaboutthechoosingofawife?Hecannotseestraightorthinkstraightifhetries;andthesamedisadvantagesexistinthecaseofagirl\'sfancies。Butwhenmature,marriedanddiscreetpeoplearrangeamatchbetweenaboyandagirl,theydoitsensibly,withaviewtothefuture,andtheyoungcouplelivehappilyeverafterwards。Aseverybodyknows。
Properlyspeaking,GovernmentshouldestablishaMatrimonialDepartment,efficientlyofficered,withaJuryofMatrons,aJudgeoftheChiefCourt,aSeniorChaplain,andanAwfulWarning,intheshapeofalove-matchthathasgonewrong,chainedtothetreesinthecourtyard。AllmarriagesshouldbemadethroughtheDepartment,whichmightbesubordinatetotheEducationalDepartment,underthesamepenaltyasthatattachingtothetransferoflandwithoutastampeddocument。ButGovernmentwon\'ttakesuggestions。Itpretendsthatitistoobusy。However,Iwillputmynotiononrecord,andexplaintheexamplethatillustratesthetheory。
Onceuponatimetherewasagoodyoungman——afirst-classofficerinhisownDepartment——amanwithacareerbeforehimand,possibly,aK。C。G。E。attheendofit。Allhissuperiorsspokewellofhim,becauseheknewhowtoholdhistongueandhispenatthepropertimes。Thereareto-dayonlyelevenmeninIndiawhopossessthissecret;andtheyhaveall,withoneexception,attainedgreathonorandenormousincomes。
Thisgoodyoungmanwasquietandself-contained——toooldforhisyearsbyfar。Whichalwayscarriesitsownpunishment。HadaSubaltern,oraTea-Planter\'sAssistant,oranybodywhoenjoyslifeandhasnocareforto-morrow,donewhathetriedtodonotasoulwouldhavecared。ButwhenPeythroppe——theestimable,virtuous,economical,quiet,hard-working,youngPeythroppe——fell,therewasaflutterthroughfiveDepartments。
Themannerofhisfallwasinthisway。HemetaMissCastries——
d\'Castriesitwasoriginally,butthefamilydroppedthed\'foradministrativereasons——andhefellinlovewithherevenmoreenergeticallythatheworked。UnderstandclearlythattherewasnotabreathofawordtobesaidagainstMissCastries——notashadowofabreath。Shewasgoodandverylovely——possessedwhatinnocentpeopleathomecalla“Spanish“complexion,withthickblue-blackhairgrowinglowdownonherforehead,intoa“widow\'speak,“andbigvioleteyesundereyebrowsasblackandasstraightasthebordersofaGazetteExtraordinarywhenabigmandies。But——but——
but。Well,shewasaVERYsweetgirlandverypious,butformanyreasonsshewas“impossible。”Quiteso。AllgoodMammasknowwhat“impossible“means。ItwasobviouslyabsurdthatPeythroppeshouldmarryher。Thelittleopal-tintedonyxatthebaseofherfinger-
nailssaidthisasplainlyasprint。Further,marriagewithMissCastriesmeantmarriagewithseveralotherCastries——HonoraryLieutenantCastries,herPapa,Mrs。EulalieCastries,herMamma,andalltheramificationsoftheCastriesfamily,onincomesrangingfromRs。175toRs。470amonth,andTHEIRwivesandconnectionsagain。
ItwouldhavebeencheaperforPeythroppetohaveassaultedaCommissionerwithadog-whip,ortohaveburnedtherecordsofaDeputyCommissioner\'sOffice,thantohavecontractedanalliancewiththeCastries。Itwouldhaveweightedhisafter-careerless——
evenunderaGovernmentwhichneverforgetsandNEVERforgives。
EverybodysawthisbutPeythroppe。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries,hewas——beingofageanddrawingagoodincome——andwoebetidethehousethatwouldnotafterwardsreceiveMrs。VirginieSaulezPeythroppewiththedeferenceduetoherhusband\'srank。
ThatwasPeythroppe\'sultimatum,andanyremonstrancedrovehimfrantic。
Thesesuddenmadnessesmostafflictthesanestmen。Therewasacaseonce——butIwilltellyouofthatlateron。Youcannotaccountforthemania,exceptunderatheorydirectlycontradictingtheoneaboutthePlacewhereinmarriagesaremade。Peythroppewasburninglyanxioustoputamillstoneroundhisneckattheoutsetofhiscareerandargumenthadnottheleasteffectonhim。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries,andthebusinesswashisownbusiness。
Hewouldthankyoutokeepyouradvicetoyourself。Withamaninthiscondition,merewordsonlyfixhiminhispurpose。OfcoursehecannotseethatmarriageoutheredoesnotconcerntheindividualbuttheGovernmentheserves。
DoyourememberMrs。Hauksbee——themostwonderfulwomaninIndia?
ShesavedPlufflesfromMrs。Reiver,wonTarrionhisappointmentintheForeignOffice,andwasdefeatedinopenfieldbyMrs。Cusack-
Bremmil。SheheardofthelamentableconditionofPeythroppe,andherbrainstruckouttheplanthatsavedhim。ShehadthewisdomoftheSerpent,thelogicalcoherenceoftheMan,thefearlessnessoftheChild,andthetripleintuitionoftheWoman。Never——no,never——
aslongasatongabucketsdowntheSolondip,orthecouplesgoa-
ridingatthebackofSummerHill,willtherebesuchageniusasMrs。Hauksbee。SheattendedtheconsultationofThreeMenonPeythroppe\'scase;andshestoodupwiththelashofherriding-whipbetweenherlipsandspake……
Threeweekslater,PeythroppedinedwiththeThreeMen,andtheGazetteofIndiacamein。Peythroppefoundtohissurprisethathehadbeengazettedamonth\'sleave。Don\'taskmehowthiswasmanaged。IbelievefirmlythatifMrs。Hauksbeegavetheorder,thewholeGreatIndianAdministrationwouldstandonitshead。
TheThreeMenhadalsoamonth\'sleaveeach。PeythroppeputtheGazettedownandsaidbadwords。Thentherecamefromthecompoundthesoft“pad-pad“ofcamels——“thieves\'camels,“thebikaneerbreedthatdon\'tbubbleandhowlwhentheysitdownandgetup。
AfterthatIdon\'tknowwhathappened。Thismuchiscertain。
Peythroppedisappeared——vanishedlikesmoke——andthelongfoot-restchairinthehouseoftheThreeMenwasbrokentosplinters。Alsoabedsteaddepartedfromoneofthebedrooms。
Mrs。HauksbeesaidthatMr。PeythroppewasshootinginRajputanawiththeThreeMen;sowewerecompelledtobelieveher。
Attheendofthemonth,Peythroppewasgazettedtwentydays\'
extensionofleave;buttherewaswrathandlamentationinthehouseofCastries。Themarriage-dayhadbeenfixed,butthebridegroomnevercame;andtheD\'Silvas,Pereiras,andDuckettsliftedtheirvoicesandmockedHonoraryLieutenantCastriesasonewhohadbeenbaselyimposedupon。Mrs。Hauksbeewenttothewedding,andwasmuchastonishedwhenPeythroppedidnotappear。Aftersevenweeks,PeythroppeandtheThreeMenreturnedfromRajputana。Peythroppewasinhard,toughcondition,ratherwhite,andmoreself-containedthanever。
OneoftheThreeMenhadacutonhisnose,causebythekickofagun。Twelve-boreskickrathercuriously。
ThencameHonoraryLieutenantCastries,seekingforthebloodofhisperfidiousson-in-lawtobe。Hesaidthings——vulgarand“impossible“thingswhichshowedtherawrough“ranker“belowthe“Honorary,“andIfancyPeythroppe\'seyeswereopened。Anyhow,heheldhispeacetilltheend;whenhespokebriefly。HonoraryLieutenantCastriesaskedfora“peg“beforehewentawaytodieorbringasuitforbreachofpromise。
MissCastrieswasaverygoodgirl。Shesaidthatshewouldhavenobreachofpromisesuits。Shesaidthat,ifshewasnotalady,shewasrefinedenoughtoknowthatladieskepttheirbrokenheartstothemselves;and,assheruledherparents,nothinghappened。Lateron,shemarriedamostrespectableandgentlemanlyperson。HetravelledforanenterprisingfirminCalcutta,andwasallthatagoodhusbandshouldbe。
SoPeythroppecametohisrightmindagain,anddidmuchgoodwork,andwashonoredbyallwhoknewhim。Oneofthesedayshewillmarry;buthewillmarryasweetpink-and-whitemaiden,ontheGovernmentHouseList,withalittlemoneyandsomeinfluentialconnections,aseverywisemanshould。Andhewillnever,allhislife,tellherwhathappenedduringthesevenweeksofhisshooting-
tourinRajputana。
Butjustthinkhowmuchtroubleandexpense——forcamelhireisnotcheap,andthoseBikaneerbruteshadtobefedlikehumans——mighthavebeensavedbyaproperlyconductedMatrimonialDepartment,underthecontroloftheDirectorGeneralofEducation,butcorrespondingdirectwiththeViceroy。
THEARRESTOFLIEUTENANTGOLIGHTLY。
“\'I\'veforgottenthecountersign,\'sez\'e。
\'Oh!You\'aye,\'aveyou?\'sezI。
\'ButI\'mtheColonel,\'sez\'e。
\'Oh!Youare,areyou?\'sezI。\'ColonelnornoColonel,youwaits\'eretillI\'mrelieved,an\'theSarjintreportsonyouruglyoldmug。Coop!\'sezI……
An\'s\'helpmesoul,\'twastheColonelafterall!ButIwasarecruitythen。”
TheUneditedAutobiographyofPrivateOrtheris。
IFtherewasonethingonwhichGolightlypridedhimselfmorethananother,itwaslookinglike“anOfficerandagentleman。”HesaiditwasforthehonoroftheServicethatheattiredhimselfsoelaborately;butthosewhoknewhimbestsaidthatitwasjustpersonalvanity。TherewasnoharmaboutGolightly——notanounce。
Herecognizedahorsewhenhesawone,andcoulddomorethanfillacantle。Heplayedaveryfairgameatbilliards,andwasasoundmanatthewhist-table。Everyonelikedhim;andnobodyeverdreamedofseeinghimhandcuffedonastationplatformasadeserter。Butthissadthinghappened。
HewasgoingdownfromDalhousie,attheendofhisleave——ridingdown。Hehadcuthisleaveasfineashedared,andwantedtocomedowninahurry。
ItwasfairlywarmatDalhousie,andknowingwhattoexpectbelow,hedescendedinanewkhakisuit——tightfitting——ofadelicateolive-green;apeacock-bluetie,whitecollar,andasnowywhitesolahhelmet。Hepridedhimselfonlookingneatevenwhenhewasridingpost。Hedidlookneat,andhewassodeeplyconcernedabouthisappearancebeforehestartedthathequiteforgottotakeanythingbutsomesmallchangewithhim。Heleftallhisnotesatthehotel。Hisservantshadgonedowntheroadbeforehim,tobereadyinwaitingatPathankotewithachangeofgear。Thatwaswhathecalledtravellingin“lightmarching-order。”Hewasproudofhisfacultyoforganization——whatwecallbundobust。
Twenty-twomilesoutofDalhousieitbegantorain——notamerehill-
shower,butagood,tepidmonsoonishdownpour。Golightlybustledon,wishingthathehadbroughtanumbrella。Thedustontheroadsturnedintomud,andtheponymiredagooddeal。SodidGolightly\'skhakigaiters。Buthekeptonsteadilyandtriedtothinkhowpleasantthecoolthwas。
Hisnextponywasratherabruteatstarting,andGolightly\'shandsbeingslipperywiththerain,contrivedtogetridofGolightlyatacorner。Hechasedtheanimal,caughtit,andwentaheadbriskly。
Thespillhadnotimprovedhisclothesorhistemper,andhehadlostonespur。Hekepttheotheroneemployed。Bythetimethatstagewasended,theponyhadhadasmuchexerciseashewanted,and,inspiteoftherain,Golightlywassweatingfreely。Attheendofanothermiserablehalf-hour,Golightlyfoundtheworlddisappearbeforehiseyesinclammypulp。Therainhadturnedthepithofhishugeandsnowysolah-topeeintoanevil-smellingdough,andithadclosedonhisheadlikeahalf-openedmushroom。Alsothegreenliningwasbeginningtorun。
Golightlydidnotsayanythingworthrecordinghere。Hetoreoffandsqueezedupasmuchofthebrimaswasinhiseyesandploughedon。Thebackofthehelmetwasflappingonhisneckandthesidesstucktohisears,buttheleatherbandandgreenliningkeptthingsroughlytogether,sothatthehatdidnotactuallymeltawaywhereitflapped。
Presently,thepulpandthegreenstuffmadeasortofslimymildewwhichranoverGolightlyinseveraldirections——downhisbackandbosomforchoice。Thekhakicolorrantoo——itwasreallyshockinglybaddye——andsectionsofGolightlywerebrown,andpatcheswereviolet,andcontourswereochre,andstreakswereruddyred,andblotcheswerenearlywhite,accordingtothenatureandpeculiaritiesofthedye。Whenhetookouthishandkerchieftowipehisfaceandthegreenofthehat-liningandthepurplestuffthathadsoakedthroughontohisneckfromthetiebecamethoroughlymixed,theeffectwasamazing。
NearDhartherainstoppedandtheeveningsuncameoutanddriedhimupslightly。Itfixedthecolors,too。ThreemilesfromPathankotethelastponyfelldeadlame,andGolightlywasforcedtowalk。HepushedonintoPathankotetofindhisservants。Hedidnotknowthenthathiskhitmatgarhadstoppedbytheroadsidetogetdrunk,andwouldcomeonthenextdaysayingthathehadsprainedhisankle。WhenhegotintoPathankote,hecouldn\'tfindhisservants,hisbootswerestiffandropywithmud,andtherewerelargequantitiesofdirtabouthisbody。Thebluetiehadrunasmuchasthekhaki。Sohetookitoffwiththecollarandthrewitaway。Thenhesaidsomethingaboutservantsgenerallyandtriedtogetapeg。Hepaideightannasforthedrink,andthisrevealedtohimthathehadonlysixannasmoreinhispocket——orintheworldashestoodatthathour。
HewenttotheStation-Mastertonegotiateforafirst-classtickettoKhasa,wherehewasstationed。Thebooking-clerksaidsomethingtotheStation-Master,theStation-MastersaidsomethingtotheTelegraphClerk,andthethreelookedathimwithcuriosity。Theyaskedhimtowaitforhalf-an-hour,whiletheytelegraphedtoUmritsarforauthority。Sohewaited,andfourconstablescameandgroupedthemselvespicturesquelyroundhim。Justashewaspreparingtoaskthemtogoaway,theStation-MastersaidthathewouldgivetheSahibatickettoUmritsar,iftheSahibwouldkindlycomeinsidethebooking-office。Golightlysteppedinside,andthenextthingheknewwasthataconstablewasattachedtoeachofhislegsandarms,whiletheStation-Masterwastryingtocramamailbagoverhishead。
Therewasaveryfairscuffleallroundthebooking-office,andGolightlyreceivedanastycutoverhiseyethroughfallingagainstatable。Buttheconstablesweretoomuchforhim,andtheyandtheStation-Masterhandcuffedhimsecurely。Assoonasthemail-bagwasslipped,hebeganexpressinghisopinions,andthehead-constablesaid:——“Withoutdoubtthisisthesoldier-Englishmanwerequired。
Listentotheabuse!“ThenGolightlyaskedtheStation-Masterwhatthethisandthethattheproceedingsmeant。TheStation-Mastertoldhimhewas“PrivateJohnBinkleofthe——Regiment,5ft。9
in。,fairhair,grayeyes,andadissipatedappearance,nomarksonthebody,“whohaddesertedafortnightago。Golightlybeganexplainingatgreatlength;andthemoreheexplainedthelesstheStation-Masterbelievedhim。HesaidthatnoLieutenantcouldlooksucharuffianasdidGolightly,andthathisinstructionsweretosendhiscaptureunderproperescorttoUmritsar。Golightlywasfeelingverydampanduncomfortable,andthelanguageheusedwasnotfitforpublication,eveninanexpurgatedform。ThefourconstablessawhimsafetoUmritsarinan“intermediate“
compartment,andhespentthefour-hourjourneyinabusingthemasfluentlyashisknowledgeofthevernacularsallowed。
AtUmritsarhewasbundledoutontheplatformintothearmsofaCorporalandtwomenofthe——Regiment。Golightlydrewhimselfupandtriedtocarryoffmattersjauntily。Hedidnotfeeltoojauntyinhandcuffs,withfourconstablesbehindhim,andthebloodfromthecutonhisforeheadstiffeningonhisleftcheek。TheCorporalwasnotjoculareither。Golightlygotasfaras——“Thisisaveryabsurdmistake,mymen,“whentheCorporaltoldhimto“stowhislip“andcomealong。Golightlydidnotwanttocomealong。Hedesiredtostopandexplain。Heexplainedverywellindeed,untiltheCorporalcutinwith:——“YOUaorficer!It\'sthelikeo\'YOUasbringsdisgraceonthelikesofUS。Bloom-in\'fineorficeryouare!
Iknowyourregiment。TheRogue\'sMarchisthequickstepwhereyoucomefrom。You\'reablackshametotheService。”
Golightlykepthistemper,andbeganexplainingalloveragainfromthebeginning。Thenhewasmarchedoutoftherainintotherefreshment-roomandtoldnottomakeaqualifiedfoolofhimself。
ThemenweregoingtorunhimuptoFortGovindghar。And“runningup“isaperformancealmostasundignifiedastheFrogMarch。
Golightlywasnearlyhystericalwithrageandthechillandthemistakeandthehandcuffsandtheheadachethatthecutonhisforeheadhadgivenhim。Hereallylaidhimselfouttoexpresswhatwasinhismind。Whenhehadquitefinishedandhisthroatwasfeelingdry,oneofthemensaid:——“I\'ve\'eardafewbeggarsintheclickblind,stiffandcrackonabit;butI\'venever\'eardanyonetotouchthis\'ere\'orficer。\'“Theywerenotangrywithhim。Theyratheradmiredhim。Theyhadsomebeerattherefreshment-room,andofferedGolightlysometoo,becausehehad“sworewon\'erful。”TheyaskedhimtotellthemallabouttheadventuresofPrivateJohnBinklewhilehewaslooseonthecountryside;andthatmadeGolightlywilderthanever。Ifhehadkepthiswitsabouthimhewouldhavekeptquietuntilanofficercame;butheattemptedtorun。
NowthebuttofaMartiniinthesmallofyourbackhurtsagreatdeal,androtten,rain-soakedkhakitearseasilywhentwomenarejerkingatyourcollar。
Golightlyrosefromthefloorfeelingverysickandgiddy,withhisshirtrippedopenalldownhisbreastandnearlyalldownhisback。
Heyieldedtohisluck,andatthatpointthedown-trainfromLahorecameincarryingoneofGolightly\'sMajors。
ThisistheMajor\'sevidenceinfull:——
“Therewasthesoundofascuffleinthesecond-classrefreshment-
room,soIwentinandsawthemostvillainousloaferthatIeverseteyeson。Hisbootsandbreecheswereplasteredwithmudandbeer-stains。Heworeamuddy-whitedunghillsortofthingonhishead,andithungdowninslipsonhisshoulders,whichwereagooddealscratched。Hewashalfinandhalfoutofashirtasnearlyintwopiecesasitcouldbe,andhewasbeggingtheguardtolookatthenameonthetailofit。Ashehadruckedtheshirtalloverhishead,Icouldn\'tatfirstseewhohewas,butIfanciedthathewasamaninthefirststageofD。T。fromthewayhesworewhilehewrestledwithhisrags。Whenheturnedround,andIhadmadeallowanceforalumpasbigasapork-pieoveroneeye,andsomegreenwar-paintontheface,andsomevioletstripesroundtheneck,IsawthatitwasGolightly。Hewasverygladtoseeme,“saidtheMajor,“andhehopedIwouldnottelltheMessaboutit。Ididn\'t,butyoucanifyoulike,nowthatGolightlyhasgoneHome。”
GolightlyspentthegreaterpartofthatsummerintryingtogettheCorporalandthetwosoldierstriedbyCourt-Martialforarrestingan“officerandagentleman。”Theywere,ofcourse,verysorryfortheirerror。Butthetaleleakedintotheregimentalcanteen,andthenceranabouttheProvince。
THEHOUSEOFSUDDHOO
Astone\'sthrowoutoneitherhandFromthatwell-orderedroadwetread,Andalltheworldiswildandstrange;
ChurelandghoulandDjinnandspriteShallbearuscompanyto-night,ForwehavereachedtheOldestLandWhereinthePowersofDarknessrange。
FromtheDusktotheDawn。
ThehouseofSuddhoo,neartheTaksaliGate,istwo-storied,withfourcarvedwindowsofoldbrownwood,andaflatroof。Youmayrecognizeitbyfiveredhand-printsarrangedliketheFiveofDiamondsonthewhitewashbetweentheupperwindows。BhagwanDass,thebunnia,andamanwhosayshegetshislivingbyseal-cutting,liveinthelowerstorywithatroopofwives,servants,friends,andretainers。ThetwoupperroomsusedtobeoccupiedbyJanooandAzizunandalittleblack-and-tanterrierthatwasstolenfromanEnglishman\'shouseandgiventoJanoobyasoldier。To-day,onlyJanoolivesintheupperrooms。Suddhoosleepsontheroofgenerally,exceptwhenhesleepsinthestreet。HeusedtogotoPeshawarinthecoldweathertovisithisson,whosellscuriositiesneartheEdwardes\'Gate,andthenhesleptunderarealmudroof。
Suddhooisagreatfriendofmine,becausehiscousinhadasonwhosecured,thankstomyrecommendation,thepostofhead-messengertoabigfirmintheStation。SuddhoosaysthatGodwillmakemeaLieutenant-Governoroneofthesedays。Idaresayhisprophecywillcometrue。Heisvery,veryold,withwhitehairandnoteethworthshowing,andhehasoutlivedhiswits——outlivednearlyeverythingexcepthisfondnessforhissonatPeshawar。JanooandAzizunareKashmiris,LadiesoftheCity,andtheirswasanancientandmoreorlesshonorableprofession;butAzizunhassincemarriedamedicalstudentfromtheNorth-WestandhassettleddowntoamostrespectablelifesomewherenearBareilly。BhagwanDassisanextortionateandanadulterator。Heisveryrich。Themanwhoissupposedtogethislivingbyseal-cuttingpretendstobeverypoor。
ThisletsyouknowasmuchasisnecessaryofthefourprincipaltenantsinthehouseofSuddhoo。ThenthereisMe,ofcourse;butI
amonlythechorusthatcomesinattheendtoexplainthings。SoI
donotcount。
Suddhoowasnotclever。Themanwhopretendedtocutsealswasthecleverestofthemall——BhagwanDassonlyknewhowtolie——exceptJanoo。Shewasalsobeautiful,butthatwasherownaffair。
Suddhoo\'ssonatPeshawarwasattackedbypleurisy,andoldSuddhoowastroubled。Theseal-cuttermanheardofSuddhoo\'sanxietyandmadecapitaloutofit。Hewasabreastofthetimes。HegotafriendinPeshawartotelegraphdailyaccountsoftheson\'shealth。
Andherethestorybegins。
Suddhoo\'scousin\'ssontoldme,oneevening,thatSuddhoowantedtoseeme;thathewastoooldandfeebletocomepersonally,andthatIshouldbeconferringaneverlastinghonorontheHouseofSuddhooifIwenttohim。Iwent;butIthink,seeinghowwell-offSuddhoowasthen,thathemighthavesentsomethingbetterthananekka,whichjoltedfearfully,tohauloutafutureLieutenant-GovernortotheCityonamuggyAprilevening。Theekkadidnotrunquickly。
ItwasfulldarkwhenwepulledupoppositethedoorofRanjitSingh\'sTombnearthemaingateoftheFort。HerewasSuddhooandhesaidthat,byreasonofmycondescension,itwasabsolutelycertainthatIshouldbecomeaLieutenant-Governorwhilemyhairwasyetblack。Thenwetalkedabouttheweatherandthestateofmyhealth,andthewheatcrops,forfifteenminutes,intheHuzuriBagh,underthestars。
Suddhoocametothepointatlast。HesaidthatJanoohadtoldhimthattherewasanorderoftheSirkaragainstmagic,becauseitwasfearedthatmagicmightonedaykilltheEmpressofIndia。Ididn\'tknowanythingaboutthestateofthelaw;butIfanciedthatsomethinginterestingwasgoingtohappen。IsaidthatsofarfrommagicbeingdiscouragedbytheGovernmentitwashighlycommended。
ThegreatestofficialsoftheStatepracticeditthemselves。IftheFinancialStatementisn\'tmagic,Idon\'tknowwhatis。Then,toencouragehimfurther,Isaidthat,iftherewasanyjadooafoot,Ihadnottheleastobjectiontogivingitmycountenanceandsanction,andtoseeingthatitwascleanjadoo——whitemagic,asdistinguishedfromtheuncleanjadoowhichkillsfolk。IttookalongtimebeforeSuddhooadmittedthatthiswasjustwhathehadaskedmetocomefor。Thenhetoldme,injerksandquavers,thatthemanwhosaidhecutsealswasasorcererofthecleanestkind;
thateverydayhegaveSuddhoonewsofthesicksoninPeshawarmorequicklythanthelightningcouldfly,andthatthisnewswasalwayscorroboratedbytheletters。Further,thathehadtoldSuddhoohowagreatdangerwasthreateninghisson,whichcouldberemovedbycleanjadoo;and,ofcourse,heavypayment。Ibegantoseehowthelandlay,andtoldSuddhoothatIalsounderstoodalittlejadoointheWesternline,andwouldgotohishousetoseethateverythingwasdonedecentlyandinorder。Wesetofftogether;andonthewaySuddhootoldmehehadpaidtheseal-cutterbetweenonehundredandtwohundredrupeesalready;andthejadooofthatnightwouldcosttwohundredmore。Whichwascheap,hesaid,consideringthegreatnessofhisson\'sdanger;butIdonotthinkhemeantit。
Thelightswereallcloakedinthefrontofthehousewhenwearrived。Icouldhearawfulnoisesfrombehindtheseal-cutter\'sshop-front,asifsomeoneweregroaninghissoulout。Suddhooshookallover,andwhilewegropedourwayupstairstoldmethatthejadoohadbegun。JanooandAzizunmetusatthestair-head,andtoldusthatthejadoo-workwascomingoffintheirrooms,becausetherewasmorespacethere。Janooisaladyofafreethinkingturnofmind。ShewhisperedthatthejadoowasaninventiontogetmoneyoutofSuddhoo,andthattheseal-cutterwouldgotoahotplacewhenhedied。Suddhoowasnearlycryingwithfearandoldage。Hekeptwalkingupanddowntheroominthehalflight,repeatinghisson\'snameoverandoveragain,andaskingAzizuniftheseal-cutteroughtnottomakeareductioninthecaseofhisownlandlord。
Janoopulledmeovertotheshadowintherecessofthecarvedbow-
windows。Theboardswereup,andtheroomswereonlylitbyonetinylamp。TherewasnochanceofmybeingseenifIstayedstill。
Presently,thegroansbelowceased,andweheardstepsonthestaircase。Thatwastheseal-cutter。HestoppedoutsidethedoorastheterrierbarkedandAzizunfumbledatthechain,andhetoldSuddhootoblowoutthelamp。Thislefttheplaceinjetdarkness,exceptfortheredglowfromthetwohuqasthatbelongedtoJanooandAzizun。Theseal-cuttercamein,andIheardSuddhoothrowhimselfdownonthefloorandgroan。Azizuncaughtherbreath,andJanoobackedtooneofthebedswithashudder。Therewasaclinkofsomethingmetallic,andthenshotupapaleblue-greenflameneartheground。ThelightwasjustenoughtoshowAzizun,pressedagainstonecorneroftheroomwiththeterrierbetweenherknees;
Janoo,withherhandsclasped,leaningforwardasshesatonthebed;Suddhoo,facedown,quivering,andtheseal-cutter。
IhopeImayneverseeanothermanlikethatseal-cutter。Hewasstrippedtothewaist,withawreathofwhitejasmineasthickasmywristroundhisforehead,asalmon-coloredloin-clothroundhismiddle,andasteelbangleoneachankle。Thiswasnotawe-
inspiring。Itwasthefaceofthemanthatturnedmecold。Itwasblue-grayinthefirstplace。Inthesecond,theeyeswererolledbacktillyoucouldonlyseethewhitesofthem;and,inthethird,thefacewasthefaceofademon——aghoul——anythingyoupleaseexceptofthesleek,oilyoldruffianwhosatintheday-timeoverhisturning-lathedownstairs。Hewaslyingonhisstomach,withhisarmsturnedandcrossedbehindhim,asifhehadbeenthrowndownpinioned。Hisheadandneckweretheonlypartsofhimoffthefloor。Theywerenearlyatrightanglestothebody,liketheheadofacobraatspring。Itwasghastly。Inthecentreoftheroom,onthebareearthfloor,stoodabig,deep,brassbasin,withapaleblue-greenlightfloatinginthecentrelikeanight-light。Roundthatbasinthemanonthefloorwriggledhimselfthreetimes。HowhediditIdonotknow。Icouldseethemusclesripplealonghisspineandfallsmoothagain;butIcouldnotseeanyothermotion。
Theheadseemedtheonlythingaliveabouthim,exceptthatslowcurlanduncurlofthelaboringback-muscles。Janoofromthebedwasbreathingseventytotheminute;Azizunheldherhandsbeforehereyes;andoldSuddhoo,fingeringatthedirtthathadgotintohiswhitebeard,wascryingtohimself。Thehorrorofitwasthatthecreeping,crawlythingmadenosound——onlycrawled!And,remember,thislastedfortenminutes,whiletheterrierwhined,andAzizunshuddered,andJanoogasped,andSuddhoocried。
Ifeltthehairliftatthebackofmyhead,andmyheartthumplikeathermantidotepaddle。Luckily,theseal-cutterbetrayedhimselfbyhismostimpressivetrickandmademecalmagain。Afterhehadfinishedthatunspeakabletriplecrawl,hestretchedhisheadawayfromthefloorashighashecould,andsentoutajetoffirefromhisnostrils。Now,Iknewhowfire-spoutingisdone——Icandoitmyself——soIfeltatease。Thebusinesswasafraud。Ifhehadonlykepttothatcrawlwithouttryingtoraisetheeffect,goodnessknowswhatImightnothavethought。Boththegirlsshriekedatthejetoffireandtheheaddropped,chindown,onthefloorwithathud;thewholebodylyingthenlikeacorpsewithitsarmstrussed。
Therewasapauseoffivefullminutesafterthis,andtheblue-
greenflamedieddown。Janoostoopedtosettleoneofheranklets,whileAzizunturnedherfacetothewallandtooktheterrierinherarms。SuddhooputoutanarmmechanicallytoJanoo\'shuqa,andshesliditacrossthefloorwithherfoot。Directlyabovethebodyandonthewall,wereacoupleofflamingportraits,instampedpaperframes,oftheQueenandthePrinceofWales。Theylookeddownontheperformance,and,tomythinking,seemedtoheightenthegrotesquenessofitall。
Justwhenthesilencewasgettingunendurable,thebodyturnedoverandrolledawayfromthebasintothesideoftheroom,whereitlaystomachup。Therewasafaint“plop“fromthebasin——exactlylikethenoiseafishmakeswhenittakesafly——andthegreenlightinthecentrerevived。
Ilookedatthebasin,andsaw,bobbinginthewater,thedried,shrivelled,blackheadofanativebaby——openeyes,openmouthandshavedscalp。Itwasworse,beingsoverysudden,thanthecrawlingexhibition。Wehadnotimetosayanythingbeforeitbegantospeak。
ReadPoe\'saccountofthevoicethatcamefromthemesmerizeddyingman,andyouwillrealizelessthanone-halfofthehorrorofthathead\'svoice。
Therewasanintervalofasecondortwobetweeneachword,andasortof“ring,ring,ring,“inthenoteofthevoice,likethetimbreofabell。Itpealedslowly,asiftalkingtoitself,forseveralminutesbeforeIgotridofmycoldsweat。Thentheblessedsolutionstruckme。Ilookedatthebodylyingnearthedoorway,andsaw,justwherethehollowofthethroatjoinsontheshoulders,amusclethathadnothingtodowithanyman\'sregularbreathing,twitchingawaysteadily。ThewholethingwasacarefulreproductionoftheEgyptianteraphinthatonereadaboutsometimesandthevoicewasascleverandasappallingapieceofventriloquismasonecouldwishtohear。Allthistimetheheadwas“lip-lip-lapping“againstthesideofthebasin,andspeaking。IttoldSuddhoo,onhisfaceagainwhining,ofhisson\'sillnessandofthestateoftheillnessuptotheeveningofthatverynight。Ialwaysshallrespecttheseal-cutterforkeepingsofaithfullytothetimeofthePeshawartelegrams。Itwentontosaythatskilleddoctorswerenightanddaywatchingovertheman\'slife;andthathewouldeventuallyrecoverifthefeetothepotentsorcerer,whoseservantwastheheadinthebasin,weredoubled。
Herethemistakefromtheartisticpointofviewcamein。ToaskfortwiceyourstipulatedfeeinavoicethatLazarusmighthaveusedwhenherosefromthedead,isabsurd。Janoo,whoisreallyawomanofmasculineintellect,sawthisasquicklyasIdid。Iheardhersay“Aslinahin!Fareib!“scornfullyunderherbreath;andjustasshesaidso,thelightinthebasindiedout,theheadstoppedtalking,andweheardtheroomdoorcreakonitshinges。ThenJanoostruckamatch,litthelamp,andwesawthathead,basin,andseal-
cutterweregone。Suddhoowaswringinghishandsandexplainingtoanyonewhocaredtolisten,that,ifhischancesofeternalsalvationdependedonit,hecouldnotraiseanothertwohundredrupees。Azizunwasnearlyinhystericsinthecorner;whileJanoosatdowncomposedlyononeofthebedstodiscusstheprobabilitiesofthewholethingbeingabunao,or“make-up。”
IexplainedasmuchasIknewoftheseal-cutter\'swayofjadoo;butherargumentwasmuchmoresimple:——“Themagicthatisalwaysdemandinggiftsisnotruemagic,“saidshe。“Mymothertoldmethattheonlypotentlove-spellsarethosewhicharetoldyouforlove。Thisseal-cuttermanisaliarandadevil。Idarenottell,doanything,orgetanythingdone,becauseIamindebttoBhagwanDassthebunniafortwogoldringsandaheavyanklet。Imustgetmyfoodfromhisshop。Theseal-cutteristhefriendofBhagwanDass,andhewouldpoisonmyfood。Afool\'sjadoohasbeengoingonfortendays,andhascostSuddhoomanyrupeeseachnight。Theseal-cutterusedblackhensandlemonsandmantrasbefore。Henevershowedusanythinglikethistillto-night。Azizunisafool,andwillbeapurdahnashinsoon。Suddhoohaslosthisstrengthandhiswits。Seenow!IhadhopedtogetfromSuddhoomanyrupeeswhilehelived,andmanymoreafterhisdeath;andbehold,heisspendingeverythingonthatoffspringofadevilandashe-ass,theseal-
cutter!“
HereIsaid:——“ButwhatinducedSuddhootodragmeintothebusiness?OfcourseIcanspeaktotheseal-cutter,andheshallrefund。Thewholethingischild\'stalk——shame——andsenseless。”
“SuddhooISanoldchild,“saidJanoo。“Hehaslivedontheroofstheseseventyyearsandisassenselessasamilch-goat。HebroughtyouheretoassurehimselfthathewasnotbreakinganylawoftheSirkar,whosesaltheatemanyyearsago。Heworshipsthedustoffthefeetoftheseal-cutter,andthatcow-devourerhasforbiddenhimtogoandseehisson。WhatdoesSuddhooknowofyourlawsorthelightning-post?Ihavetowatchhismoneygoingdaybydaytothatlyingbeastbelow。”
Janoostampedherfootonthefloorandnearlycriedwithvexation;
whileSuddhoowaswhimperingunderablanketinthecorner,andAzizunwastryingtoguidethepipe-stemtohisfoolisholdmouth……
Nowthecasestandsthus。Unthinkingly,Ihavelaidmyselfopentothechargeofaidingandabettingtheseal-cutterinobtainingmoneyunderfalsepretences,whichisforbiddenbySection420oftheIndianPenalCode。Iamhelplessinthematterforthesereasons,I
cannotinformthePolice。Whatwitnesseswouldsupportmystatements?Janoorefusesflatly,AzizunisaveiledwomansomewherenearBareilly——lostinthisbigIndiaofours。Icannotagaintakethelawintomyownhands,andspeaktotheseal-cutter;
forcertainamIthat,notonlywouldSuddhoodisbelieveme,butthisstepwouldendinthepoisoningofJanoo,whoisboundhandandfootbyherdebttothebunnia。Suddhooisanolddotard;andwheneverwemeetmumblesmyidioticjokethattheSirkarratherpatronizestheBlackArtthanotherwise。Hissoniswellnow;butSuddhooiscompletelyundertheinfluenceoftheseal-cutter,bywhoseadviceheregulatestheaffairsofhislife。JanoowatchesdailythemoneythatshehopedtowheedleoutofSuddhootakenbytheseal-cutter,andbecomesdailymorefuriousandsullen。
Shewillnevertell,becauseshedarenot;but,unlesssomethinghappenstopreventher,Iamafraidthattheseal-cutterwilldieofcholera——thewhitearsenickind——aboutthemiddleofMay。AndthusIshallhavetobeprivytoamurderintheHouseofSuddhoo。
HISWEDDEDWIFE。
Cry“Murder!“inthemarket-place,andeachWillturnuponhisneighboranxiouseyesThatask:——“Artthoutheman?“WehuntedCain,Somecenturiesago,acrosstheworld,ThatbredthefearourownmisdeedsmaintainTo-day。
Vibart\'sMoralities。
Shakespearesayssomethingaboutworms,oritmaybegiantsorbeetles,turningifyoutreadonthemtooseverely。Thesafestplanisnevertotreadonaworm——notevenonthelastnewsubalternfromHome,withhisbuttonshardlyoutoftheirtissuepaper,andtheredofsappyEnglishbeefinhischeeks。Thisisthestoryofthewormthatturned。Forthesakeofbrevity,wewillcallHenryAugustusRamsayFaizanne,“TheWorm,“althoughhereallywasanexceedinglyprettyboy,withoutahaironhisface,andwithawaistlikeagirl\'swhenhecameouttotheSecond“Shikarris“andwasmadeunhappyinseveralways。The“Shikarris“areahigh-casteregiment,andyoumustbeabletodothingswell——playabanjoorridemorethanalittle,orsing,oract——togetonwiththem。
TheWormdidnothingexceptfalloffhispony,andknockchipsoutofgate-postswithhistrap。Eventhatbecamemonotonousafteratime。Heobjectedtowhist,cuttheclothatbilliards,sangoutoftune,keptverymuchtohimself,andwrotetohisMammaandsistersatHome。Fourofthesefivethingswereviceswhichthe“Shikarris“
objectedtoandsetthemselvestoeradicate。Everyoneknowshowsubalternsare,bybrothersubalterns,softenedandnotpermittedtobeferocious。Itisgoodandwholesome,anddoesnooneanyharm,unlesstempersarelost;andthenthereistrouble。Therewasamanonce——butthatisanotherstory。
The“Shikarris“shikarredTheWormverymuch,andheboreeverythingwithoutwinking。Hewassogoodandsoanxioustolearn,andflushedsopink,thathiseducationwascutshort,andhewaslefttohisowndevicesbyeveryoneexcepttheSeniorSubaltern,whocontinuedtomakelifeaburdentoTheWorm。TheSeniorSubalternmeantnoharm;buthischaffwascoarse,andhedidn\'tquiteunderstandwheretostop。Hehadbeenwaitingtoolongforhiscompany;andthatalwayssoursaman。Alsohewasinlove,whichmadehimworse。
Oneday,afterhehadborrowedTheWorm\'strapforaladywhoneverexisted,hadusedithimselfalltheafternoon,hadsentanotetoTheWormpurportingtocomefromthelady,andwastellingtheMessallaboutit,TheWormroseinhisplaceandsaid,inhisquiet,ladylikevoice:“Thatwasaveryprettysell;butI\'lllayyouamonth\'spaytoamonth\'spaywhenyougetyourstep,thatIworkasellonyouthatyou\'llrememberfortherestofyourdays,andtheRegimentafteryouwhenyou\'redeadorbroke。”TheWormwasn\'tangryintheleast,andtherestoftheMessshouted。ThentheSeniorSubalternlookedatTheWormfromthebootsupwards,anddownagain,andsaid,“Done,Baby。”TheWormtooktherestoftheMesstowitnessthatthebethadbeentaken,andretiredintoabookwithasweetsmile。
Twomonthspassed,andtheSeniorSubalternstilleducatedTheWorm,whobegantomoveaboutalittlemoreasthehotweathercameon。I
havesaidthattheSeniorSubalternwasinlove。ThecuriousthingisthatagirlwasinlovewiththeSeniorSubaltern。ThoughtheColonelsaidawfulthings,andtheMajorssnorted,andmarriedCaptainslookedunutterablewisdom,andthejuniorsscoffed,thosetwowereengaged。
TheSeniorSubalternwassopleasedwithgettinghisCompanyandhisacceptanceatthesametimethatheforgottobotherTheWorm。Thegirlwasaprettygirl,andhadmoneyofherown。Shedoesnotcomeintothisstoryatall。
Onenight,atthebeginningofthehotweather,alltheMess,exceptTheWorm,whohadgonetohisownroomtowriteHomeletters,weresittingontheplatformoutsidetheMessHouse。TheBandhadfinishedplaying,butnoonewantedtogoin。AndtheCaptains\'
wivesweretherealso。Thefollyofamaninloveisunlimited。
TheSeniorSubalternhadbeenholdingforthonthemeritsofthegirlhewasengagedto,andtheladieswerepurringapproval,whilethemenyawned,whentherewasarustleofskirtsinthedark,andatired,faintvoicelifteditself:
“Where\'smyhusband?“