Thenshethoroughlybrushedherhairanddiditupinagracefulpompadourthatwouldgowellwiththehat。Shewashedawaythetracesofheroutburstofgrief，wentoverherfingernails，nowalmostrecoveredfromthedisastersincidenttothelifeofmanuallabor。Shewentontocompletehertoilet，allwiththesameattentiontodetail——asureindication，inonesoyoung，ofadesiretopleasesomespecificperson。Whenshehadthehatsetatthesatisfactoryangleandtheveilwounduponitanddrapedoverherfreshyoungfacecoquettishly，shetookfromherslenderstoreofglovesafreshgraypairand，assheputthemon，stoodbeforetheglassexaminingherself。
Therewasnownotatraceofthetenementworkinggirlofaweekandadaybefore。Herewasbeautyinbloom，freshandalluringfromheadtonarrow，well-bootedfeet。Morethanahintofafinecolorsense——thatvitalquality，iffashion，theconventional，istoberefinedandindividualizedintostyle，therare——morethanahintofcolorsenseshowedintheharmonyofthepearlgrayinthebigfeather，thepearlgrayinthecollaroftheblouse，andthepearlwhiteofherskin。Susanhadindeedreturnedtoherownclass。Shehadleftit，asmall-towngirlwithmorethanasuggestionofthechildineyesandmouth；
shehadreturnedtoit，ayoungwomanofthecity，withthatlookinherfacewhichonlyexperiencecangive——experiencethathasresultedingrowth。Shelockedallherpossessionsawayinhertrunk——allbuthermoney；thatsheputinherstockings——seventy-fivedollarswelldownintherightleg，therestofthebillswelldownintheleftleg；thetwodollarsorsoinchangewasallsheintrustedtothepocketbookshecarried。Shecastacoquettishglancedownathercharminglyarrayedfeet——aharmlessglanceofcoquetrythatwillbecondemnedbythosewhosephysicalvanityhappenstocenterelsewhere。Afterthisglanceshedroppedherskirts——andwasready。
Bythistimeduskhadfallen，anditwasnearlysixo”clock。Asshecameoutofthehousesheglancedtowardthewest——theinstinctivegestureofpeoplewholiveinrainyclimates。Herfacebrightened；shesawanomeninthelongbroadstreakofreddenedeveningsky。
CHAPTERXXIII
SHEwentdowntoFourthStreet，alongittoRace，tothe_Commercial_building。Attheentrancetothecorridoratthefarsideofwhichwereelevatorandstairway，shepausedandconsidered。Sheturnedintothebusinessoffice。
“IsMr。RoderickSpenserhere？“sheaskedofaheavilybuilt，gray-beardedmanintherespectableblackoftheold-fashionedfinancialemployee，showingthesobrietyandstolidityofhischaracterinhisdress。
“Heworksupstairs，“repliedtheoldman，beamingapprovinglyuponthepretty，stylishyoungwoman。
“Ishetherenow？“
“I”lltelephone。”Hewentintotherearoffice，presentlyreturnedwiththenewsthatMr。Spenserhadthatmomentleft，wasprobablyonhiswaydownintheelevator。“Andyou”llcatchhimifyougototheofficeentrancerightaway。”
Susan，theinexperiencedinthecitywaysofmenwithwomen，didnotappreciatewhatatributetohercharmsandtohercharacter，asrevealedinthehonest，graveeyes，wastheoldman”sunhesitatingassumptionthatSpenserwouldwishtoseeher。Shelostnotimeinretracinghersteps。Asshereachedtheofficeentranceshesawattheotherendofthelonghalltwoyoungmencomingoutoftheelevator。Afterthehabitofyouth，shehadrehearsedspeechandmannerforthismeeting；butatsightofhimshewasstraightwaytremblingsothatshefearedshewouldbeunabletospeakatall。Theentrancelightwasdim，butasheglancedatherinpassinghesawherlookingathimandhishandmovedtowardhishat。Hisfacehadnotchanged——thesamefrank，carelessexpression，thesamesympathetic，understandinglookoutoftheeyes。Buthewasthecitymanindressnow——notablythecityman。
“Mr。Spenser，“saidsheshyly。
Hehalted；hiscompanionwenton。Heliftedhishat，lookedinquiringlyather——thelookoftheenthusiastandconnoisseuronthesubjectofprettywomen，whenhefindsanewspecimenworthyofhisattention。
“Don”tyouknowme？“
Hisexpressionofpuzzledandflirtatiouspolitenessgraduallyclearedaway。Thelightingupofhiseyes，thesmileroundhismouthdelightedher；andshegrewradiantwhenheexclaimedeagerly，“Why，it”sthelittlegirloftherockagain！Howyou”vegrown——inayear——lessthanayear！“
“Yes，IsupposeIhave，“saidshe，thinkingofitforthefirsttime。Then，toshowhimatoncewhatagoodexcuseshehadforintrudingagain，shehastenedtoadd，“I”vecometopayyouthatmoneyyouloanedme。”
Heburstoutlaughing，drewherintothecorridorwherethelightwasbrighter。“Andyou”vegonebacktoyourhusband，“hesaid——shenotedthequick，sharpchangeinhisvoice。
“Whydoyouthinkthat？“shesaid。
Thewayhiseyeslingereduponthecharmingdetailstoiletthatindicatedanythingbutpovertymightofahavegivenherasimpleexplanation。Heofferedanother。
“Ican”texplain。It”syourdifferentexpression——akindofexperiencedlook。”
ThecolorflamedandflaredinSusan”sface。
“Youare——happy？“heasked。
“I”venotseen——him，“evadedshe。“EversinceIleftCarrolltonI”vebeenwanderingabout。”
“Wanderingabout？“herepeatedabsently，hiseyesbusywithherappearance。
“Andnow，“shewenton，nervousandhurried，“I”mhereintown——forawhile。”
“ThenImaycometoseeyou？“
“I”dbeglad。I”maloneinafurnishedroomI”vetaken——outnearLincolnPark。”
“Alone！Youdon”tmeanyou”restillwandering？“
“Stillwandering。”
Helaughed。“Well，itcertainlyisdoingyounoharm。Thereverse。”Anembarrassedpause，thenhesaidwithreturningpoliteness：“Maybeyou”lldinewithmethisevening？“
Shebeamed。“I”vebeenhopingyou”daskme。”
“Itwon”tbeasgoodastheoneontherock。”
“Thereneverwillbeanotherdinnerlikethat，“declaredshe。
“Yourlegiswell？“
Herquestiontookhimbysurprise。Inhisinterestandwonderastothenewmysteryofthismysteriousyoungpersonhehadnotrecalledtheexcuseshemadefordroppingoutoftheentanglementinwhichhisimpulseshadputhim。Thecolorpouredintohisface。“Agesago，“hereplied，hurriedly。“I”dhaveforgottenit，ifithadn”tbeenforyou。I”veneverbeenabletogetyououtofmyhead。”AndasamatteroftruthshehadfinallydislodgedhiscousinNell——withoutlingeringlongorvividlyherself。YoungMr。Spenserwastoobusyandtooself-absorbedamantobotherlongaboutanyoneflowerinaworldthatwasonevastfieldabloomwithopen-petaledflowers。
“NorIyou，“saidshe，aspleasedashehadexpected，andshowingitwithacandorthatmadeherlookalmostthechildhehadlastseen。“Yousee，Iowedyouthatmoney，andIwantedtopayit。”
“Oh——_that_wasall！“exclaimedhe，halfjokingly。“Waithereaminute。”Andhewenttothedoor，lookedupanddownthestreet，thendartedacrossitanddisappearedintotheSt。NicholasHotel。Hewasnotgonemorethanhalfaminute。
“IhadtoseeBayneandtellhim，“heexplainedwhenhewaswithheragain。“Iwastohavedinedwithhimandsomeothers——overinthecafe。Instead，youandIwilldineupstairs。Youwon”tmindmynotbeingdressed？“
Itseemedtoherhewasdressedwellenoughforanyoccasion。
“I”dratheryouhadontheflanneltrousersrolleduptoyourknees，“saidshe。“ButIcanimaginethem。”
“Whatadinnerthatwas！“criedhe。“Andtherideafterward，“
withaneffortateasethatescapedherbedazzledeyes。“Whydidn”tyoueverwrite？“
Heexpectedhertosaythatshedidnotknowhisaddress，andwasreadywithprotestsandexcuses。Butshereplied：
“Ididn”thavethemoneytopaywhatIowedyou。”TheywerecrossingFourthStreetandascendingthestepstothehotel。
“Then，too——afterward——whenIgottoknowalittlemoreaboutlifeI——Oh，nomatter。Really，themoneywastheonlyreason。”
Buthehadstoppedshort。Inatonesocorrectlysincerethatasuspiciouspersonmightperhapshavedoubtedthesincerityofthemanusingit，hesaid：
“Whatwasinyourmind？Whatdidyouthink？Whatdidyou——suspectmeof？ForIseeinthathonest，telltalefaceofyoursthatitwasasuspicion。”
“Ididn”tblameyou，“protestedthegirl，“evenifitwasso。I
thoughtmaybeyougottothinkingitover——and——didn”twanttobebotheredwithanyonesotroublesomeasIhadmademyself。”
“How_could_yoususpect_me_ofsuchathing？“
“Oh，Ireallydidn”t，“declaredshe，withalltheearnestnessofagenerousnature，forshereadintohisheightenedcolorandavertedeyesthefeelingssheherselfwouldhavehadbeforeanunjustsuspicion。“Itwasmerelyanidea。AndIdidn”tblameyou——notintheleast。Itwouldhavebeenthesensible——”
Nextthing，thischild-woman，thismysteriousmindofmixedprecocityandinnocence，wouldbeshowingthatshehadguessedaCousinNell。
“Youarefartoomodest，“interruptedhewithaflirtatioussmile。“Youdidn”trealizehowstronganimpressionyoumade。
No，Ireallybrokemyleg。Don”tyousupposeIknewthetwenty-fiveinthepocketbookwouldn”tcarryyoufar？“Hesaw——andnaturallymisunderstood——hersuddenchangeofexpressionashespokeoftheamount。Hewentonapologetically，“IintendedtobringmorewhenIcame。Iwasafraidtoputmoneyinthenoteforfearit”dneverbedelivered，ifIdid。Anddidn”tItellyoutowrite——anddidn”tIgiveyoumyaddresshere？WouldIhavedonethat，ifIhadn”tmeanttostandbyyou？“
Susanwasconvinced，wasshamedbythesesmooth，plausibleassertionsandexplanations。“Yourfather”shouse——it”sabigbrick，withstonetrimmings，standingallaloneoutsidethelittletown——isn”tit？“
Spenserwasagaincoloringdeeply。“Yes，“admittedheuneasily。
ButSusandidn”tnotice。“Isawthedoctor——andyourfamily——ontheveranda，“shesaid。
Hewasnowsonervousthatshecouldnotbutobserveit。“Theygaveoutthatitwasonlyasprain，“saidhe，“becauseItoldthemIdidn”twantitknown。Ididn”twantthepeopleattheofficetoknowIwasgoingtobelaidupsolong。IwasafraidI”dlosemyjob。”
“Ididn”thearanythingaboutit，“saidshe。“IonlysawasI
wasgoingbyonaboat。”
Helookeddisconcerted——butnottohereyes。“Well——it”sfarinthepastnow，“saidhe。“Let”sforget——allbutthefun。”
“Yes——allbutthefun。”Thenverysweetly，“ButI”llneverforgetwhatIoweyou。Notthemoney——notthat，hardlyatall——butwhatyoudidforme。Itmademeabletogoon。”
“Don”tspeakofit，“criedhe，flushedandshamefaced。“Ididn”tdohalfwhatIought。”Likemosthumanbeingshewasawareofhismoreobvious——iflessdangerous——faultsandweaknesses。Helikedtobecalledgenerous，butalwayshadqualmswhensocalledbecauseheknewhewasinfactofthefamiliartypeclassedasgenerousonlybecausehumanbeingsaresoartlessintheirjudgmentsastohumannaturethattheycannotseethatquickimpulsesquicklydie。Theonlydeeptruthisthattherearenogenerousnaturesbutjustnatures——andtheyarerarelyclassedasgenerousbecausetheirslowlyformedresolveshavetheairofprudenceandcalculation。
Inthehotelshewenttothedressing-room，tooktwenty-fivedollarsfromthemoneyinherstocking。Assoonastheywereseatedintherestaurantshehandedittohim。
“Butthismakesityouwhoarehavingmetodinner——andmore，“
heprotested。
“Ifyouknewwhataweightit”sbeenonme，you”dnottalkthatway，“saidshe。
Hertonecompelledhimtoacceptherviewofthematter。Helaughedandputthemoneyinhiswaistcoatpocket，saying：“ThenI”llstilloweyouadinner。”
Duringthepastweekshehadbeenabsorbingasonlyayoungwomanwithagoodmindandadeterminationtolearnthebusinessoflivingcanabsorb。Thelessonsbeforeherhadbeenthelifethatislivedincitiesbythosewhohavemoneytospendandexperienceinspendingit；shehadlearnedoutofallproportiontoopportunity。AtaglancesherealizedthatshewasnowinaplacefarsuperiortotheBohemianresortswhichhadseemedtoherinexperiencethebestpossible。Fromearliestchildhoodshehadshownthedelicatesenseofgoodtasteandofluxurythatalwaysgoeswithapracticalimagination——practicalasdistinguishedfromtheidealistickindofimaginationthatisvague，erratic，andfondofthedreamswhichneithercouldnorshouldcometrue。Andthereadingshehaddone——thenovels，thememoirs，thebooksoftravel，thefashionandhomemagazines——hadmadedeepanddistinctimpressionsuponher，hadpreparedher——astheyhavepreparedthousandsofAmericansinsecludedtownsandruralregionswhereluxuryandevencomfortareverycrudeindeed——forthepossibleriseoffortunethatistheuniversalAmericandreamandhope。Shefeltthesenewsurroundingsexquisitely——thesubduedcoloring，thesoftenedlights，thethickcarpets，thequieteleganceandcomfortofthefurniture。Shenotedthegoodmannersofthewell-trainedwaiter；shelistenedadmiringlyandmemorizinglyasSpenserorderedthedinner——adinnerofFrenchgoodtaste——smallbutfineoysters，athicksoup，aguineahen_encasserole_，afruitsalad，freshstrawberryicecream，drychampagne。ShesawthatSpenserknewwhathewasabout，andshewasdelightedwithhimandproudtobewithhimandgladthathehadtasteslikeherown——thatis，tastessuchassheproposedtolearntohave。Ofthemenshehadknownorknownaboutheseemedtoherfarandawaythebest。Itisn”tnecessarytoexplainintowhatanattitudeofmindandheartthisfeelingofhishighsuperiorityimmediatelyputher——certainlynotfortheenlightenmentofanywoman。
“Whatareyouthinking？“heasked——thequestionthatwassooftenthrustatherbecause，whenshethoughtintensely，therewasacuriosity-compellingexpressioninhereyes。
“Oh——aboutallthis，“repliedshe。“Ilikethissortofthingsomuch。Ineverhaditinmylife，yetnowthatIseeitIfeelasifIwerepartofit，asifitmustbelongtome。”Hereyesmethissympatheticgaze。“Youunderstand，don”tyou？“Henodded。
“AndIwaswondering“——shelaughed，asifsheexpectedevenhimtolaughather”IwaswonderinghowlongitwouldbebeforeI
shouldpossessit。DoyouthinkI”mcrazy？“
Heshookhishead。“I”vegotthatsamefeeling，“saidhe。“I”mpoor——don”tdaredothisoften——haveallIcanmanageinkeepingmyselfdecently。YetIhaveaconvictionthatIshall——shallwin。Don”tthinkI”mdreamingofbeingrich——notatall。I——I
don”tcaremuchaboutthatifIdidgointobusiness。ButIwantallmysurroundingstoberight。”
Hereyesgleamed。“Andyou”llgetit。AndsoshallI。Iknowitsoundsimprobableandabsurdformetosaythataboutmyself。
But——Iknowit。”
“Ibelieveyou，“saidhe。“You”vegotthelookinyourface——inyoureyes……I”veneverseenanyoneimproveasyouhaveinthislessthanayear。”
Shesmiledasshethoughtinwhatsurroundingsshehadapparentlyspentpracticallyallthattime。“Ifyoucouldhaveseenme！“shesaid。“Yes，IwaslearningandIknowit。Iledasortofdoublelife。I——”shehesitated，gaveuptryingtoexplain。Shehadnotthewordsandphrases，theclear-cutideas，toexpressthatinnerlifeledbypeoplewhohaverealimagination。Withmosthumanbeingstheirimmediatevisiblesurroundingsdeterminetheirlife；withtheimaginativefewtheirhorizonisalwaysthewholewideworld。
Shesighed，“ButI”mignorant。Idon”tknowhoworwheretotakehold。”
“Ican”thelpyouthere，yet，“saidhe。“Whenweknoweachotherbetter，thenI”llknow。Notthatyouneedmetotellyou。You”llfindoutforyourself。Onealwaysdoes。”
Sheglancedroundtheattractiveroomagain，thenlookedathimwithnarrowedeyelids。“OnlyafewhoursagoIwasthinkingofsuicide。Howabsurditseemsnow！——I”llneverdothatagain。Atleast，I”velearnedhowtoprofitbyalesson。Mr。Burlinghamtaughtmethat。”
“Who”she？“
“That”salongstory。Idon”tfeelliketellingaboutitnow。”
Butthemeresuggestionhadopenedcertaindoorsinhermemoryandcrowdsofsadandbitterthoughtscametroopingin。
“Areyouinsomesortoftrouble？“saidhe，instantlyleaningtowardheracrossthetableandallaglowwiththeimpulsivesympathythatkindlesinimpressionablenaturesasquicklyasfireindrygrass。Suchnaturesareasperfectconductorsofemotionasplatinumisofheat——instantlyabsorbingit，instantlythrowingitoff，toreturntotheirnormalandmetallicchill——andcapacityforreceptiveness。“Anythingyoucantellmeabout？“
“Oh，no——nothingespecial，“repliedshe。“Justlonelinessandafeelingof——ofdiscouragement。”Strongly，“Justamood。I”mneverreallydiscouraged。Somethingalwaysturnsup。”
“PleasetellmewhathappenedafterIleftyouatthatwretchedhotel。”
“Ican”t，“shesaid。“Atleast，notnow。”
“Thereis——”Helookedsympatheticallyather，asiftoassureherthathewouldunderstand，nomatterwhatshemightconfess。
“Thereis——someone？“
“No。I”mallalone。I”m——free。”Itwasnotintheleastdegreeaninstinctfordeceptionthatmadeherthenconveyanimpressionoftherehavingbeennoone。Shewassimplyobeyingherinnatereticencethatwaspartofherunusualself-unconsciousness。
“Andyou”renotworriedabout——aboutmoneymatters？“heasked。
“Yousee，I”menougholderandmoreexperiencedtogivemeexcuseforasking。Besides，unlessawomanhasmoney，shedoesn”tfinditeasytogeton。”
“I”veenoughforthepresent，“sheassuredhim，andthestimulusofthechampagnemadeherlook——andfeel——muchmoreself-confidentthanshereallywas。“MorethanI”veeverhadbefore。SoI”mnotworried。WhenanyonehasbeenthroughwhatI
havetheyaren”tsoscaredaboutthefuture。”
Helookedtheadmirationhefelt——andtherewasnotalittleoftheenthusiasmofthechampagnebothinthelookandintheadmiration”Iseeyou”vealreadylearnedtoplaythegamewithoutlosingyournerve。”
“Ibegintohopeso，“saidshe。
“Yes——you”vegotthesignsofsuccessinyourface。Curiousaboutthosesigns。Onceyoulearntoknowthem，younevermissinsizinguppeople。”
Thedinnerhadcome。Bothwerehungry，anditwasasgoodadinnerasthediscussionaboutitbetweenSpenserandthewaiterhadforecast。Astheyatethewell-cooked，well-servedfoodanddrankthedelicatelyflavoredchampagne，mellowasthegorgeousautumnitscolorsuggested，therediffusedthroughthemanextraordinaryfeelingofquietintensehappiness——happinessofmindandbody。Herfacetookonanewandfinerbeauty；intohisfacecameatendernessthatwasmostbecomingtoitsratherruggedfeatures。Andhehadnottalkedwithherlongbeforehediscoveredthathewasfacingnotachild，notachildwoman，butawomangrown，onewhocouldunderstandandappreciatethethingsmenandwomenofexperiencesayanddo。
“I”vealwaysbeenexpectingtohearfromyoueverydaysinceweseparated，“hesaid——andhewashonestlybelievingitnow。“I”vehadafeelingthatyouhadn”tforgottenme。Itdidn”tseempossibleIcouldfeelsostronglyunlesstherewasrealsympathybetweenus。”
“IcameassoonasIcould。”
Hereflectedinsilenceamoment，theninatonethatmadeherheartleapandherbloodtingle，hesaid：“Yousayyou”refree？“
“Freeasair。Only——Icouldn”tflyfar。”
Hehesitatedonaninstinctofprudence，thenventured。“FarasNewYork？“
“Whatistherailroadfare？“
“Oh，abouttwenty-fivedollars——withsleeper。”
“Yes——Icanflythatfar。”
“Doyoumeantosayyou”venotiesofanykind？“
“None。Notone。”Hereyesopenedwideandhernostrilsdilated。“Free！“
“Youloveit——don”tyou？“
“Don”tyou？“
“Aboveeverything！“heexclaimed。“Onlythefree_live_。”
Sheliftedherheadhigherinagraceful，attractivegestureofconfidenceandhappiness。“Well——Iamreadytolive。”
“I”mafraidyoudon”trealize，“hesaidhesitatingly。“Peoplewouldn”tunderstand。You”veyourreputationtothinkof，youknow。”
Shelookedstraightathim。“No——noteventhat。I”mevenfreefromreputation。”Then，ashisfacesaddenedandhiseyesglistenedwithsympathy，“Youneedn”tpityme。Seewhereit”sbroughtme。”
“You”reastrongswimmer——aren”tyou？“hesaidtenderly。“Butthenthereisn”tanysafeandeasycrossingtotheislesoffreedom。It”snowondermostpeopledon”tgetfurtherthangazingandlonging。”
“ProbablyIshouldn”t，“confessedSusan，“ifIhadn”tbeenthrownintothewater。Itwasacaseofswimordrown。”
“Butmostwhotryaredrowned——nearlyallthewomen。”
“Oh，Iguesstherearemoresurvivethanisgenerallysupposed。
Somuchlyingisdoneaboutthatsortofthing。”
“Whatashrewdyoungladyitis！Atanyrate，youhavereachedtheislands。”
“ButI”mnotqueenofthemyet，“sheremindedhim。“I”monlyapoor，naked，out-of-breathcastawaylyingonthebeach。”
Helaughedappreciatively。Veryclever，thisextremelyprettyyoungwoman。“Yes——you”llwin。You”llbequeen。”Heliftedhischampagneglassandwatchedthelittlebubblespushinggaylyandswiftlyupward。“So——you”vecastoveryourreputation。”
“ItoldyouIhadreachedthebeachnaked。”Arecklesslightinhereyesnow。“Factis，Ihadnonetostartwith。Anybodyhasareasonforstarting——orforbeingstarted。Thatwasmine，Iguess。”
“I”veoftenthoughtaboutthatmatterofreputation——inamanorawoman——ifthey”retryingtomakethebold，strongswim。Tocareaboutone”sreputationmeansfearofwhattheworldsays。
It”simportanttocareaboutone”scharacter——forwithoutcharacternooneevergotanywhereworthgettingto。Butit”svery，verydangeroustobeafraidforone”sreputation。And——I
hatetoadmitit，becauseI”mhopelesslyconventionalatbottom，butit”strue——reputation——fearofwhattheworldsays——hassunkmoreswimmers，haswreckedmorecharactersthaniteverhelped。
So——thestrongestandbestswimmersswimnaked。”
Susanwaslookingthoughtfullyathimovertherimofherglass。
Shetookasipofthechampagne，said：“IfIhadn”tbeenquitenaked，I”dhavesunk——I”dhavebeenatthebottom——withthefishes——”
“Don”t！“hecried。“ThankGod，youdidwhateveryou”vedone——yes，Imeanthat——whateveryou”vedone，sinceitenabledyoutoswimon。”Headded，“AndIknowitwasn”tanythingbad——anythingunwomanly。”
“IdidthebestIcould——nothingI”mashamedof——orproudofeither。Just——whatIhadtodo。”
“Butyououghttobeproudthatyouarrived。”
“No——onlyglad，“saidshe。“So——so_frightfully_glad！“
Inanyevent，theirfriendshipwasboundtoflourish；aidedbythatdinnerandthatwineitsprangupintoanintimacy，afeelingofmutualtrustandofsympathyateverypoint。Likeallwomensheadmiredstrengthinamanaboveeverythingelse。Shedelightedinthethickobstinategrowthofhisfairhair，inthebreadthofthelineofhiseyebrows，intheaggressivethrustofhislargenoseandlongjawbone。Shesawinthewayhismouthclosedevidenceofawillagainstwhichoppositionwoulddashaboutasdangerouslyasaneggagainstastonewall。Therewasnoquestionofhishavingthosebirthmarksofsuccessaboutwhichhetalked。Shesawthem——sawnothingofthelessobtrusive——butnotlessimportant——marksofweaknesswhichmighthaveenabledanexpertinthereadingoffacestoreachsomeratherdepressingconclusionastothenatureandthedegreeofthatsuccess。
Finally，heburstoutwith，“Yes，I”vemadeupmymind。I”lldoit！I”mgoingtoNewYork。I”vebeenfoolingawaythelastfiveyearsherelearningalot，butstillidling——drinking——amusingmyselfinallkindsofways。Andaboutamonthago——onenight，asIwasrollinghometowarddawn——throughadrivingsleetstorm——doyourememberalinein`ParadiseLost”“
“Ineverreadit，“interruptedSusan。
“Well——it”swherethedevilshavebeenkickedoutofHeavenandarelyinginagonyflatontheburninglake——andSatanrisesup——andmarcheshaughtilyoutamongthem——andcallsout，`Awake！
Arise！Orforevermorebedamned！”That”swhathashappenedtomeseveraltimesinmylife。WhenIwasaboy，idlingaboutthefarmandwastingmyself，thatvoicecametome——`Awake！Arise！
Orforevermorebedamned！”AndIgotamoveonme，andinsistedongoingtocollege。Again——atcollege——Ibecameadawdler——poker——drink——dances——alltherestofit。Andsuddenlythatvoiceroaredinmyears，mademejumplikearabbitwhenagungoesoff。Andlastmonthitcameagain。Iwenttowork——finishedaplayI”vebeenpotteringoverforthreeyears。
ButsomehowIcouldn”tfindthe——the——whateverIneeded——tomakemebreakaway。Well——_you”ve_givenmethat。I”llresignfromthe_Commercial_andwithallI”vegotintheworld——threehundreddollarsandatrunkfullofgoodclothes，I”llbreakintoBroadway。”
Susanhadlistenedwithbrighteyesandquickenedbreath，asintoxicatedandasconvincedaswashebyhiseloquence。
“Isn”tthatsplendid！“sheexclaimedinalowvoice。
“Andyou？“hesaidmeaningly。
“I？“shereplied，fearingshewasmisunderstanding。
“Willyougo？“
“Doyouwantme？“sheasked，lowandbreathlessly。
Withareluctancewhichsuggested——butnottoher——thathisgenerositywaswinningahard-foughtbattlewithhisvanity，hereplied：“Ineedyou。IdoubtifI”ddare，withoutyoutobackmeup。”
“I”vegotatrunkfulloffairlygoodclothesandaboutahundreddollars。ButIhaven”tgotanyplay——oranyart——oranytradeeven。Ofcourse，I”llgo。”Thenshehastilyadded，“I”llnotbeadragonyou。Ipaymyownway。”
“Butyoumustn”tbesuspiciousinyourindependence，“hewarnedher。“Youmustn”tforgetthatI”molderthanyouandmoreexperiencedandthatit”sfareasierforamantogetmoneythanforawoman。”
“Togetitwithoutloweringhimself？“
“Ah！“heexclaimed，lookingstrangelyather。“Youmean，withoutbowingtosomeboss？Withoutsellinghissoul？IhadnoideayouweresomuchofawomanwhenImetyouthatday。”
“Iwasn”t——then，“repliedshe。“AndIdidn”tknowwhereI”dgottillwebegantotalkthisevening。”
“Andyou”reveryyoung！“
“Oh，butI”vebeengoingtoaschoolwheretheymakeyoulearnfast。”
“IndeedIdoneedyou。”Hetouchedhisglasstohers。“OntoBroadway！“hecried。
“Broadway！“echoedshe，radiant。
“Together——eh？“
Shenodded。Butasshedrankthetoastatearsplashedintoherglass。ShewasrememberinghowsomemysteriousinstincthadrestrainedherfromgoingwithJohnRedmond，thoughitseemedtheonlysanethingtodo。Whatifshehaddisobeyedthatinstinct！Andthen——throughhermindinswiftghostlymarch——pasttrailedthepersonsandeventsofthedaysjustgone——justgone，yetseemingasfarawayasaformerlifeinanotherworld。
RedmondandGulick——Etta——yes，Etta，too——allpastandgone——forevergone——
“Whatareyouthinkingabout？“
Sheshookherheadandthespectralprocessionvanishedintothegloomsofmemory”svistas。“Thinking？——ofyesterday。Idon”tunderstandmyself——howIshakeoffandforgetwhat”spast。
Nothingseemsrealtomebutthefuture。”
“Noteventhepresent？“saidhewithasmile。
“Noteventhepresent，“sheansweredwithgravecandor。“Nothingseemstotouchme——therealme。It”slike——likelookingoutofthewindowofthetrainatthelandscaperunningby。I”matravelerpassingthrough。Iwonderifit”llalwaysbethatway。
IwonderifI”lleverarrivewhereI”llfeelthatIbelong。”
“Ithinkso——andsoon。”
Butshedidnotrespondtohisconfidentsmile。“I——Ihopeso，“
shesaidwithsad，wistfulsweetness。“Thenagain——aren”ttheresomepeoplewhodon”tbelonganywhere——aren”tallowedtosettledownandbehappy，buthavetokeepgoing——onandon——until——”
“Untiltheypassoutintothedark，“hefinishedforher。“Yes。”
Helookedatherinawonderinguneasyway。“Youdosuggestthatkind，“saidhe。“But，“smilingly，tohidehisearnestness，“I”lltrytodetainyou。”
“Pleasedo，“shesaid。“Idon”twanttogoon——alone。”
Hedroppedintosilence，puzzledandinawayawedbythemysteryenvelopingher——amysteryofaloofnessandstoniness，ofcompleteseparationfromthecontactoftheworld——themysterythatinclosesallwhosereallifeisliveddeepwithinthemselves。
CHAPTERXXIV
LIKEdayslater，ontheEasternExpress，theywerenotsoconfidentastheyhadbeenovertheSt。Nicholaschampagne。Asconfidentabouttheremoterfuture，itwasthatannoyinglittlestretchnearathandwhichgavethemsecretuneasiness。Therehadbeennothingbutdreamingandsentimentalizinginthosefourdays——andthatdisquietinglysuggestedthesoldierwhowithanimpressiveflourishhighlyresolvestogivebattle，thensheatheshisswordandgoesawaytoarevel。Also，likeallidlers，theyhadspentmoney——farmoremoneythantotalnetcashresourcesoflessthanfivehundreddollarswarranted。
“We”vespentanawfullotofmoney，“saidSusan。
Shewasquicktoseethefaintfrown，thewarningthatshewasondangerousground。Saidhe：
“Doyouregret？“
“No，indeed——no！“criedshe，eagertohavethatcloudvanish，buthonesttoo。
Shenomorethanheregrettedasinglemomentofthedreamingandlove-making，asinglepennyoftheeightyandodddollarsthathadenabledthemfittinglytoembowertheirromance，totwinemyrtleintheirhairandtoprovideCupid”storch-bowlswithfragrantincense。Still——withthebattlenotbegun，theregapedthatdeep，widehollowinthewarchest。
Spenser”snewspaperconnectiongotthempassesoveroneofthecheaperlinestoNewYork——andhetriedtoconsolehimselfbysettingthisdownasasavingoffortydollarsagainsttheeightydollarsofthedebititem。Buthecouldn”taltogetherforgetthattheywouldhavetraveledonpasses，anyhow。Hewasnotregrettingthathehadindulgedintheextravaganceofastateroom——buthecouldn”tdenythatitwasanextravagance。
However，hehadonlytolookathertofeelthathehaddonealtogetherwellinprovidingforherthebest，andtobelievethathecouldfacewithcourageanyfatesolongashehadherathisside。
“Yes，Icanfaceanythingwithyou，“hesaid。“WhatIfeelforyouistherealthing。Therealthing，atlast。”
Shehadnodispositiontoinquirecuriouslyintothis。Herreplywasaflashofasmilethatwaslikeaflashofgloriouslightuponthecrestofawavesurgingstraightfromherhappyheart。
Theywereoppositeeachotheratbreakfastintherestaurantcar。Hedelightedinherfrankdelightinthenoveltyoftravel——swiftandluxurioustravel。HehadneverbeenEastbefore，himself，buthehadhadexperienceofsleepersanddiners；shehadnot，andeverymomentshewasgettingsomenewsensation。Sheespeciallyenjoyedthissittingatbreakfastwiththeexpresstrainrushingsmoothlyalongthroughthemountains——thefirstmountainseitherhadseen。Attimestheyweresointenselyhappythattheylaughedwithtearsintheireyesandtouchedhandsacrossthetabletogetfromphysicalcontactthereassurancesofreality。
“Howgoodtoeateverythingis！“sheexclaimed。“You”llthinkmeverygreedy，I”mafraid。Butifyou”deatenthestuffIhavesincewedinedontherock！“
Theywerealwaysgoingbacktotherock，andneitherweariedofrecallingandremindingeachotherofthesmallestdetails。Itseemedtothemthateverything，eventheleasthappening，atthatsacredspotmustberemembered，mustberecordedindeliblyinthebookoftheirromance。“I”mgladwewerehappytogetherinsuchcircumstances，“shewenton。“Itwasatest——wasn”tit，Rod？“
“Iftwopeopledon”tloveeachotherenoughtobehappyanywhere，theycouldbehappynowhere，“declaredhe。
“So，we”llnotmindbeingvery，verycarefulaboutspendingmoneyinNewYork，“sheventured——forshewasagainbringingupthesubjectshehadbeenprivatelyrevolvingeversincetheyhadformedthepartnership。InherwanderingswithBurlingham，inhersojourninthetenements，shehadlearnedagreatdealaboutthecareandspendingofmoney——haddevelopedthatinstinctforforehandednesswhichnaturehasimplantedinallnormalwomenalongwiththematernalinstinct——andasanecessarysupplementtoit。Thisinstinctismoreorlessfutileinmostwomenbecausetheyaremoreorlessignorantoftherealitiesastowiseandfoolishexpenditure。Butitisfoundinthemostextravagantwomennolessthaninthemostabsurdlyandmeanlystingy。
“Ofcourse，wemustbecareful，“assentedRod。“ButIcan”tletyoubeuncomfortable。”
“Now，dear，“sheremonstrated，“youmustn”ttreatmethatway。
I”mbetterfittedforhardshipthanyou。I”dminditless。”
Helaughed；shelookedsofineanddelicate，withhertransparentskinandhercurvesoffigure，hefeltthatanythingsonearlyperfectcouldnotbuteasilybespoiled。Andthereheshowedhowlittleheappreciatedherironstrength，heralmostexhaustlessendurance。Hefanciedhewasthestrongerbecausehecouldhavecrushedherinhismusculararms。Butexposures，privations，dissipationsthatwouldhavedoneforamuscularlystrongermanthanhewouldhaveleftnotraceuponherafterafewdaysofrestandsleep。
“It”sthetruth，“sheinsisted。“Icouldproveit，butIshan”t。
Idon”twanttoremembervividly。Rod，we_must_livecheaplyinNewYorkuntilyousellaplayandIhaveaplaceinsomecompany。”
“Yes，“heconceded。“But，Susie，nottoocheap。Acheapwayoflivingmakesacheapman——givesamanacheapoutlookonlife。
Besides，don”tforget——iftheworstcomestotheworst，Icanalwaysgetajobonanewspaper。”
Shewouldnothavelethimseehowuneasythisremarkmadeher。
However，shecouldnotpermitittopasswithoutnotice。Saidshealittlenervously：
“Butyou”vemadeupyourmindtodevoteyourselftoplays——tostandorfallbythat。”
Herememberedhowhehadthrilledherandhimselfwithbravetalkaboutthenecessityofconcentrating，ofselectingagoalandmovingrelentlesslyforit，lettingnothinghalthimorturnhimaside。ForhisyearsRodSpenserwasaswiseinthephilosophyofsuccessasBurlinghamorTomBrashear。Buthehaddonethatbraveandwisetalkingbeforehelovedherashenowdid——beforeherealizedhowlovecanbeinitselfanachievementandapossessionsogreatthatotherambitionsdwarfbesideit。
True，awaybackinhisfacile，ficklemind，behindtheregionwhereself-excuseandsomebody-else-always-to-blamereignedsupreme，asomething——thesomethingthathadsetthemarksofsuccesssostronglyuponhisface——waswhisperingtohimtherealreasonforhisnowrevolvingaNewYorknewspaperjob。Realreasonsasdistinguishedfromallegedreasonsandimaginedreasons，fromthereasonsself-deceptioninventsandvanitygivesout——realreasonsarealwaysinterestingandworthnoting。
WhatwasRod”s？Nothisloveforher；nothingsosuperior，sosuperhumanasthat。No，itwasweakandwobblymisgivingsastohisownabilitytogetonindependently，themisgivingsthatmenaceeverymanwhohasneverworkedforhimselfbuthasalwaysdrawnpay——themisgivingsthatparalyzemostmenandkeepthemwageorsalaryslavesalltheirlives。Rodwasnobetterpleasedatthissly，unwelcomerevelationofhisrealselftohimselfthanthenexthumanbeingisinsimilarcircumstances。Thewhisperingwashastilysuppressed；loveforher，desirethatsheshouldbecomfortable——thosemustbetherealreasons。Buthemustbecarefullestshe，thesensitive，shouldbegintobroodoverafearthatshewasalreadyweakeninghimandwouldbecomeadraguponhim——thefearthat，heknew，wouldtakeshapeinhisownmindifthingsbegantogobadly。“Youmaybesure，dearest，“hesaid，“I”lldonothingthatwon”thelpmeon。”Hetappedhisforeheadwithhisfinger。“Thisisamachineformakingplays。Everythingthat”sputintoitwillbegristforit。”
Shewasimpressedbutnotconvinced。Hehadmadehispointaboutconcentrationtoocleartoherintelligence。Shepersisted：
“Butyousaidifyoutookaplaceonanewspaperitwouldmakeyoufightlesshard。”
“Isayalotofthings，“heinterruptedlaughingly。“Don”tbefrightenedaboutme。WhatI”mmostafraidofisthatyou”lldesertme。_That_wouldbearealknock-outblow。”
Hesaidthissmilingly；butshecouldnotbearjokesonthatonesubject。
“Whatdoyoumean，Rod？“
“Now，don”tlooksofunereal，Susie。IsimplymeantthatIhatetothinkofyourgoingonthestage——oratanythingelse。Iwantyoutohelp_me_。Selfish，isn”tit？But，dearheart，ifIcouldfeelthattheplayswere_ours_，thatwewerebothconcentratedontheonecareer——darling。Toloveeachother，toworktogether——notseparatelybuttogether——don”tyouunderstand？“
Herexpressionshowedthatsheunderstood，butwasnotatallinsympathy。“I”vegottoearnmyliving，Rod，“sheobjected。“I
shan”tcareanythingaboutwhatI”llbedoing。I”lldoitsimplytokeepfrombeingaburdentoyou——”
“Aburden，Susie！You！Why，you”remywingsthatenablemetofly。It”sselfish，butIwantallofyou。Don”tyouthink，dear，thatifitwerepossible，itwouldbebetterforyoutomakeusahomeandholdthefortwhileIgoouttogivebattletomanagers——andbindupmywoundswhenIcomeback——andsendmeoutthenextdaywellagain？Don”tyouthinkweoughttoconcentrate？“
Thepictureappealedtoher。Allshewantedinlifenowwashissuccess。“But，“sheobjected，“it”suselesstotalkofthatuntilwegetonourfeet——perfectlyuseless。”
“It”strue，“headmittedwithasigh。
“Anduntilwedo，wemustbeeconomical。”
“Whatapersistentladyitis，“laughedhe。“IwishIwerelikethat。”
Intheevening”sgatheringduskthetrainsteamedintoJerseyCity；andSpenserandSusanLenox，withtheadventurer”sminglinghopeanddread，confidenceanddoubt，courageandfear，followedthecrowddownthelongplatformunderthevasttrainshed，wentthroughthehugethrongedwaiting-roomandaboardthegiantferryboatwhichfilledbothwithastonishmentbecauseofitssizeandluxuriousness。
“Iamajay！“saidshe。“Icanhardlykeepmymouthfromdroppingopen。”
“Youhaven”tanytheadvantageofme，“heassuredher。“Areyoutremblingallover？“
“Yes，“sheadmitted。“Andmyheart”slikelead。Isupposetherearethousandsonthousandslikeus，fromalloverthecountry——whocomehereeveryday——feelingaswedo。“
“Let”sgooutonthefrontdeck——wherewecanseeit。”
Theywentoutontheupperfrontdeckand，leaningagainsttheforwardgates，withtheirtravelingbagsattheirfeet，theystooddumbbeforethemostastoundingandmostsplendidsceneinthecivilizedworld。Itwasnotquitedarkyet；theairwasalmostJulyhot，asoneofthoseprematurelywarmdaysNewYorksooftenhasinMarch。Thesky，asoftanddelicateblueshadingintoopalandcrimsonbehindthem，displayedabrightcrescentmoonasitarchedoverthefairylandintheduskbeforethem。
Straightahead，acrossthebroad，swift，sparklingriver——thebroadestwaterSusanhadeverseen——rosethemighty，themajesticcity。Itrosedirectfromthewater。Endlessstretchesofethereal-lookingstructure，reachinghigherandhigher，inmasseslikemountainranges，inpeaks，intowersanddomes。Andmillionsoflights，likefairylamps，likeresplendentjewels，gavethecityaglorybeyondthatofthestarsthrongingtheheavensonaclearsummernight。
Theylookedtowardthenorth；onandon，tothefarhorizon”sedgestretchedthebroadriverandthelovelycitythatseemedthenewbornoffspringofthewaves；onandon，themyriadlights，inmasses，infestoons，ingreatgleamingglobesoffirefromtowersrisinghigherthanSusan”sandRod”snativehills。
Theylookedtothesouth。There，too，rosecity，mileaftermile，andthenbeyondittheexpanseofthebay；andeverywherethelights，thebeautiful，soft，starlikelights，sheddingaradianceasofheavenitselfoverthewholescene。Majestyandstrengthandbeauty。
“Iloveit！“murmuredthegirl。“AlreadyIloveit。”
“Ineverdreameditwaslikethis，“saidRoderick，inanawedtone。
“TheCityoftheStars，“saidshe，inthecaressingtoneinwhichaloverspeaksthenameofthebeloved。
Theymovedclosertogetherandclaspedhandsandgazedasiftheyfearedthewholething——riverandmagiccityandtheirownselves——wouldfadeawayandvanishforever。SusanclutchedRodinterrorasshesawthevisionsuddenlybegintomove，toadvancetowardher，likeapparitionsinadreambeforetheyvanish。Thensheexclaimed，“Why，wearemoving！“Thebigferryboat，swift，steadyasland，noiseless，hadgotunderway。
Uponthemfromthedirectionofthedistantandhiddenseablewacool，freshbreeze。Neverbeforehadeithersmelledthatperfume，strongandkeenandclean，whichcomesstraightfromtheunbreathedairoftheoceantobatheNewYork，toputlifeandhopeandhealthintoitspeople。RodandSusanturnedtheirfacessouthwardtowardthisbreeze，drankingreatdraughtsofit。Theysawacolossalstatue，vividaslifeinthedusk，inthehandattheendofthehigh-flungarmatorchwhichsentablazeoflightstreamingoutoverlandandwater。
“ThatmustbeLiberty，“saidRoderick。
Susanslippedherarmthroughhis。Shewasquiveringwithexcitementandjoy。“Rod——Rod！“shemurmured。“It”stheislesoffreedom。Kissme。”
Andhebentandkissedher，andhischeekfeltthetearsuponhers。Hereachedforherhand，withaninstincttostrengthenher。Butwhenhehaditwithinhisitsfirmandvitalgraspsentathrillofstrengththroughhim。
Afewminutes，andtheypausedattheexitfromtheferryhouse。
Theyalmostshrankback，sodazedandhelplessdidtheyfeelbeforethestaggeringbillowsofnoisethatsweptsavagelydownuponthem——roarandcrash，shriekandsnort；theairwasshudderingwithit，thegroundquaking。Thebeautyhadvanished——thebeautythatwasnotthecitybutaglamourtolurethemintothecity”sgrasp；nowthatcitystoodrevealedasamonsterabouttoseizeanddevourthem。
“God！“Heshoutedinherear。“Isn”tthis_frightful！_“
Shewasrecoveringmorequicklythanhe。Thefacesshesawreassuredher。Theywerehumanfaces；andwhiletheywereeagerandrestless，asifthesoulsbehindthemsoughtthatwhichnevercouldbefound，theyweresaneandkindfaces，too。Whereothersofherownracelived，andlivedwithoutfear，she，too，couldhopetosurvive。Andalreadyshe，whohadlovedthismightyoffspringoftheseaandtheskyatfirstglance，sawandfeltanothermagic——themagicofthepeopledsolitude。Inthisvast，thisendlesssolitudesheandhewouldbefree。Theycoulddoastheypleased，liveastheypleased，withoutthoughtoftheopinionofothers。Hereshecouldforgetthebestialhorrorsofmarriage；hereshewouldfearnoscornfulpointingatherbirthbrandofshame。SheandRodcouldbepoorwithoutshame；
theycouldmaketheirfightinthegratefuldarknessofobscurity。
“Scared？“heasked。
“Notabit，“washerpromptanswer。“Iloveitmorethanever。”
“Well，itfrightensmealittle。Ifeelhelpless——lostinthenoiseandthecrowd。HowcanIdoanythinghere！“
“Othershave。Othersdo。”
“Yes——yes！That”sso。Wemusttakehold！“Andheselectedacabmanfromtheshoutingswarm。“Wewanttogo，withtwotrunks，totheHotelSt。Denis，“saidhe。
“Allright，sir！Gimmethechecks，please。”
SpenserwasabouttohandthemoverwhenSusansaidinanundertone，“Youhaven”taskedtheprice。”
Spenserhastenedtorepairthisimportantomission。“Tendollars，“repliedthecabmanasiftendollarsweresomesuchtrifleastencents。
SpenserlaughedatthefirstexperienceofthefamousNewYorkhabitoftalkinginafaintcarelesswayoflargesumsofmoney——otherpeople”smoney。“Youdidsaveusaswat，“hesaidtoSusan，andbeckonedanotherman。Theupshotofalongandarduousdiscussion，noisyandprofane，wasthattheygotthecarriageforsixdollars——apricewhichthepolicemanwhohadbeendrawnintothediscussionvouchedforasreasonable。
Spenserknewitwastoohigh，knewthepolicemanwouldgetadollarorsooftheprofit，buthewaswearyofthewrangle；andhewouldnotlistentoSusan”ssuggestionthattheyhavethetrunkssentbytheexpresscompanyandthemselvesgoinastreetcarfortencents。Atthehoteltheygotalargecomfortableroomandabathforfourdollarsaday。Spenserinsisteditwascheap；Susanshowedheralarm——lessthananhourinNewYorkandtendollarsgone，nottospeakofshedidnotknowhowmuchchange。ForRoderickhadbeenscatteringtipswithwhatisforsomemysteriousreasoncalled“aprincelyhand，“thoughprincesknowtoowellthevalueofmoneyandhavetoomanyextravaganttastesevertogofarinsheerthrowingaway。
Theyhaddinnerintherestaurantofthehotelandsetouttoexplorethelandtheypurposedtosubdueandtopossess。TheywalkedupBroadwaytoFourteenth，missedtheirwayinthedazzleandglareofsouthUnionSquare，discoveredthewanderinghighwayagainaftersomesearching。Afterthelong，ratherquietstretchbetweenUnionSquareandThirty-fourthStreettheyfoundthemselvesattheveryheartofthecity”snightlife。Theygazedinwonderupontheelevatedroadwithitstrainsthunderingbyhighabovethem。TheycrossedGreeleySquareandstoodentrancedbeforethespectacle——astreetbrightasdaywithelectricsignsofeverycolor，shapeandsize；sidewalksjammedwithpeople，mostofthemdressedwithasmuchpretensetofashionasthefewbestinCincinnati；onetheaterafteranother，andatForty-secondStreettheatersineverydirection。
Surely——surely——therewouldbesmalldifficultyinplacinghisplaywhenthereweresomanytheaters，alleagerforplays。
Theydebatedgoingtothetheater，decidedagainstit，astheyweretiredfromthejourneyandtheexcitementofcrowdingnewsensations。“I”veneverbeentoarealtheaterinmylife，“saidSusan。“IwanttobefreshthefirsttimeIgo。”
“Yes，“criedRod。“That”sright。Tomorrownight。That_will_beanexperience！“Andtheyreadtheilluminatedsigns，inspectedtheshowwindows，andslowlystrolledbacktowardthehotel。AstheywererecrossingUnionSquare，Spensersaid，“Haveyounoticedhowmanystreetgirlsthereare？Wemusthavepassedathousand。Isn”titfrightful？“
“Yes，“saidSusan。
Rodmadeagestureofdisgust，andsaidwithfeeling，“Howlowawomanmusthavesunkbeforeshecouldtaketothatlife！“
“Yes，“saidSusan。
“Solowthattherecouldn”tpossiblybeleftanyshredoffeelingordecencyanywhereinher。”Susandidnotreply。
“It”snotaquestionofmorals，butofsensibility，“pursuedhe。
“SomedayI”mgoingtowriteaplayorastoryaboutit。Awomanwithanythingtoher，whohadtochoosebetweenthatlifeanddeath，wouldn”thesitateaninstant。Shecouldn”t。A
streetwalker！“Andagainhemadethatgestureofdisgust。
“Beforeyouwrite，“saidSusan，inaqueer，quietvoice，“you”llfindoutallaboutit。Maybesomeofthesegirls——mostofthem——allofthem——arestillhumanbeings。It”snotfairtojudgepeopleunlessyouknow。Andit”ssoeasytosaythatsomeoneelseoughttodieratherthandothisorthat。”
“Youcan”timagineyourselfdoingsuchathing，“urgedhe。
Susanhesitated，then”Yes，“shesaid。
Hertoneirritatedhim。“Oh，nonsense！Youdon”tknowwhatyou”retalkingabout。”
“Yes，“saidSusan。
“Susie！“heexclaimed，lookingreprovinglyather。
Shemethiseyeswithoutflinching。“Yes，“shesaid。“Ihave。”
Hestoppedshortandhisexpressionsetherbosomtoheaving。
Buthergazewassteadyuponhis。“Whydidyoutellme！“hecried。“Oh，itisn”tso——itcan”tbe。Youdon”tmeanexactlythat。”
“Yes，Ido，“saidshe。
“Don”ttellme！Idon”twanttoknow。”Andhestrodeon，shekeepingbesidehim。
“Ican”tletyoubelievemedifferentfromwhatIam，“repliedshe。“Notyou。Isupposedyouguessed。”
“NowI”llalwaysthinkofit——wheneverIlookatyou……I
simplycan”tbelieveit……Youspokeofitasifyouweren”tashamed。”
“I”mnotashamed，“shesaid。“Notbeforeyou。Thereisn”tanythingI”vedonethatIwouldn”tbewillingtohaveyouknow。
I”dhavetoldyou，exceptthatIdidn”twanttorecallit。Youknowthatnobodycanlivewithoutgettingdirty。Thethingistowanttobeclean——andtotrytogetcleanafterward——isn”tit？“
“Yes，“headmitted，asifhehadnotbeenhearing。“Iwishyouhadn”ttoldme。I”llalwaysseeitandfeelitwhenIlookatyou。”
“Iwantyouto，“saidshe。“Icouldn”tloveyouasIdoifI
hadn”tgonethroughagreatdeal。”
“Butitmusthaveleftitsstainsuponyou，“saidhe。Againhestoppedshortinthestreet，facedheratthecurb，withthecrowdhurryingbyandjostlingthem。“Tellmeaboutit！“hecommanded。
Sheshookherhead。“Icouldn”t。”Tohavetoldwouldhavebeenliketearingopenclosedandhealedwounds。Alsoitwouldhaveseemedwhining——andshehaduttercontemptforwhining。“I”llansweranyquestion，butIcan”tjustgoonandtell。”
“Youdeliberatelywentanddid——that？“
“Yes。”
“Haven”tyouanyexcuse，anydefense？“
ShemighthavetoldhimaboutBurlinghamdyingandtheneedofmoneytosavehim。ShemighthavetoldhimaboutEtta——herhealthgoing——hermindmadeuptotaketothestreets，withnoonetolookafterher。Shemighthavemadeitallamovingandatruetale——ofself-sacrificeforthetwopeoplewhohaddonemostforher。Butitwasnotinhersimplehonestnaturetotrytoshiftblame。Soallshesaidwas：
“No，Rod。”
“Andyoudidn”twanttokillyourselffirst？“
“No。Iwantedtolive。Iwasdirty——andIwantedtobeclean。I
washungry——andIwantedfood。Iwascold——thatwastheworst。
Iwascold，andIwantedtogetwarm。And——Ihadbeenmarried——butIcouldn”ttellevenyouaboutthat——except——afterawoman”sbeenthroughwhatIwentthroughthen，nothinginlifehasanyrealterrororhorrorforher。”
Helookedatherlong。“Idon”tunderstand，“hefinallysaid。
“Comeon。Let”sgobacktothehotel。”
Shewalkedbesidehim，makingnoattempttobreakhisgloomysilence。Theywentuptotheirroomandshesatontheloungebythewindow。Helitacigaretteandhalfsat，halflay，uponthebed。Afteralongtimehesaidwithabitterlaugh，“AndIwassosureyouwereagoodwoman！“
“Idon”tfeelbad，“sheventuredtimidly。“AmI？“
“Doyoumeantotellme，“hecried，sittingup，“thatyoudon”tthinkanythingofthosethings？“
“Lifecanbesohardandcruel，canmakeonedosomany——”
“Butdon”tyourealizethatwhatyou”vedoneistheveryworstthingawomancando？“
“No，“saidshe。“Idon”t……I”msorryyoudidn”tunderstand。
Ithoughtyoudid——notthedetails，butinageneralsortofway。Ididn”tmeantodeceiveyou。ThatwouldhaveseemedtomemuchworsethananythingIdid。”
“Imighthaveknown！Imighthaveknown！“hecried——rathertheatrically，thoughsincerelywithal——forMr。Spenserwasadiligentworkerwiththetoolsoftheplay-makingtrade。“I
learnedwhoyouwereassoonasIgothomethenightIleftyouinCarrolton。Theyhadbeentelephoningaboutyoutothevillage。SoIknewaboutyou。”
“Aboutmymother？“askedshe。“Isthatwhatyoumean？“
“Oh，youneednotlooksoashamed，“saidhe，graciously，pityingly。
“Iamnotashamed，“saidshe。Butshedidnottellhimthatherlookcamefromanawfulfearthathewasabouttomakeherashamedofhim。
“No，Isupposeyouaren”t，“hewenton，incensedbythisfurtherevidenceofherlackofagoodwoman”sinstincts。“Ireallyoughtnottoblameyou。Youwerebornwrong——bornwiththemoralsenseleftout。”
“Yes，Isupposeso，“saidshe，wearily。
“Ifonlyyouhadliedtome——toldmetheonelie！“criedhe。
“Thenyouwouldn”thavedestroyedmyillusion。Youwouldn”thavekilledmylove。”
Shegrewdeathlywhite；thatwasall。
“Idon”tmeanthatIdon”tloveyoustill，“hehurriedon。“Butnotinthesameway。That”skilledforever。”
“Aretheredifferentwaysofloving？“sheasked。
“HowcanIgiveyoutheloveofrespectandtrust——now？“
“Don”tyoutrustme——anymore？“
“Icouldn”t。Isimplycouldn”t。Itwashardenoughbeforeonaccountofyourbirth。Butnow——Trustawomanwhohadbeena——
a——Ican”tspeaktheword。Trustyou？Youdon”tunderstandaman。”
“No，Idon”t。”Shelookedrounddrearily。Everythinginruins。
Aloneagain。Outcast。Nowheretogobutthestreets——thelifethatseemedtheonlyoneforsuchasshe。“Idon”tunderstandpeopleatall……Doyouwantmetogo？“
Shehadrisenassheaskedthis。Hewasbesideherinstantly。
“Go！“hecried。“WhyIcouldn”tgetalongwithoutyou。”
“ThenyoulovemeasIloveyou，“Saidshe，puttingherarmsroundhim。“Andthat”sallIwant。Idon”twantwhatyoucallrespect。Icouldn”teverhavehopedtogetthat，beingbornasIwas——couldI？Anyhow，itdoesn”tseemtometoamounttomuch。
Ican”thelpit，Rod——that”sthewayIfeel。Sojustloveme——dowithmewhateveryouwill，solongasitmakesyouhappy。AndI
don”tneedtobetrusted。Icouldn”tthinkofanybodybutyou。”
Hefeltsureofheragain，reascendedtothepeakofthemoralmountain。“Youunderstand，wecannevergetmarried。Wecanneverhaveanychildren。”
“Idon”tmind。Ididn”texpectthat。Wecan_love_——can”twe？“
Hetookherfacebetweenhishands。“Whatanexquisitefaceitis，“hesaid，“softandsmooth！Andwhatclear，honesteyes！
Whereis_it？_Where_is_it？It_must_bethere！“
“What，Rod？“
“The——thedirt。”
Shedidnotwince，buttherecameintoheryoungfaceadeeperpathos——andawan，deprecating，pleadingsmile。Shesaid：
“Maybelovehaswasheditaway——ifitwasthere。Itneverseemedtotouchme——anymorethanthedirtwhenIhadtocleanupmyroom。”
“Youmustn”ttalkthatway。Whyyouareperfectlycalm！Youdon”tcryorfeelrepentant。Youdon”tseemtocare。”
“It”sso——sopast——anddead。Ifeelasifitwereanotherperson。Anditwas，Rod！“
Heshookhishead，frowning。“Let”snottalkaboutit，“hesaidharshly。“IfonlyIcouldstopthinkingaboutit！“
Sheeffacedherselfasfarasshecould，livinginthesameroomwithhim。Sheavoidedtheleastshowofthetendernessshefelt，ofthelongingtohaveherwoundssoothed。Shelayawakethewholenight，suffering，nowandthentimidlyandsoftlycaressinghimwhenshewassurethatheslept。Inthemorningshepretendedtobeasleep，lethimcallhertwicebeforesheshowedthatshewasawake。Afurtiveglanceathimconfirmedtheimpressionhisvoicehadgiven。Behindherpale，unrevealingfacetherewastheagonizedthrobofanachingheart，butshehadtheconfidenceofherhonest，utterlove；hewouldsurelysoften，wouldsurelyforgive。Asforherself——shehad，throughlovingandfeelingthatshewasloved，almostlostthesenseoftheunrealityofpastandpresentthatmadeherfeelquitedetachedandapartfromthelifeshewasleading，fromtheeventsinwhichshewastakingpart，fromthepersonsmostintimatelyassociatedwithher。Nowthatsenseofisolation，ofthemerespectatororthetravelergazingfromthewindowsofthehurryingtrain——thatsensereturned。Butshefoughtagainstthefeelingitgaveher。
Thateveningtheywenttothetheater——toseeModjeskain“Magda。”
Susanhadneverbeeninarealtheater。TheonlyapproachtoaplayhouseinSutherlandwasMasonicHall。Ithadasortofstageatoneendwherefromtimetotimewanderingplayersgavepoorperformancesofpoorplaysoraminstrelshoworalowvaudeville。ButnoneofthebestpeopleofSutherlandwent——atleast，noneofthewomen。ThenotionwasstronginSutherlandthatthetheaterwasoftheDevil——notsostrongasinthedaysbeforetheybegantotolerateamateurtheatricals，butstillvigorousenoughtogiveSusannow，asshesatinthebig，brilliantauditorium，apleasingsensethatshe，anoutcast，wasatlastcomfortablyathome。Usuallythefirstsightofanythingonehasdreamedaboutispitifullydisappointing。Neithernaturenorlifecanbuildsosplendidlyasavividfancy。ButSusan，insomesortpreparedfortheshortcomingsofthestage，wasnotdisappointed。Fromrisetofallofcurtainshewassofascinated，soabsolutelyabsorbed，thatshequiteforgothersurroundings，evenRod。Andbetweentheactsshecouldnottalkforthinking。Rod，deceivedbyhersilence，waschagrined。Hehadbeenlookingforwardtoagreathappinessforhimselfinseeingherhappy，andmuchprofitfromthestudyoftheviewpointofanabsolutelyfreshmind。Itwasn”tuntiltheywereleavingthetheaterthathegotaninklingofthetruestateofaffairswithher。
“Let”sgotosupper，“saidhe。
“Ifyoudon”tmind，“repliedshe，“I”drathergohome。I”mverytired。”
“Youweresoundasleepthismorning。Soyoumusthavesleptwell，“saidhesarcastically。
“It”stheplay，“saidshe。
“_Why_didn”tyoulikeit？“heasked，irritated。
Shelookedathiminwonder。“Likewhat？Theplay？“Shedrewalongbreath。“Ifeelasifithadalmostkilledme。”
Heunderstoodwhentheywereintheirroomandshecouldhardlyundressbeforefallingintoasleepsorelaxed，soprofound，thatitmadehimalittleuneasy。Itseemedtohimtheexhaustionofachildwornoutwiththeexcitementofaspectacle。Andherfailuretogointoecstasiesthenextdayledhimfurtherintothesameerror。“Modjeskaisverygoodas_Magda_，“saidhe，carelessly，asonetalkingwithoutexpectingtobeunderstood。“Buttheysaythere”sanItalianwoman——Duse——whoistherealthing。”
Modjeska——Duse——Susanseemedindeednottounderstand。“Ihatedherfather，“shesaid。“Hedidn”tdeservetohavesuchawonderfuldaughter。”
Spenserhadbeguntolaughwithherfirstsentence。Atthesecondhefrowned，saidbitterly：“Imighthaveknown！Yougetitallwrong。Isupposeyousympathizewith_Magda_？“
“Iworshiped，her“saidSusan，hervoicelowandtremulouswiththeintensityofherfeeling。
Rodericklaughedbitterly。“Naturally，“hesaid。“Youcan”tunderstand。”
Anobviouscase，thoughthe。Shewasindeedoneofthoseinstancesofabsolutelackofmoralsense。Justassomepeoplehavethemisfortunetobebornwithoutarmsorwithoutlegs，soothersaredoomedtolivebereftofamoralsense。Asweetdisposition，abeautifulbody，butnosoul；notastainedsoul，butnosoulatall。Andhiswholementalattitudetowardherchanged；or，rather，itwaschangedbytheironcompulsionofhisprejudice。Theonlychangeinhisphysicalattitude——thatis，inhistreatmentofher——wasinthedirectionofbolderpassion。
ofcompletecastingasideofalltherestraintaconventionalrespecterofconventionalwomanhoodfeelstowardawomanwhomherespects。So，naturally，Susan，eagertoloveandtobeloved，andeasilyconfusingthenoteasilydistinguishedspiritualandphysical，wasreassured。Onceinawhilealookoraphrasefromhimgavehervagueuneasiness；butonthewholeshefeltthat，inadditiontoclearconsciencefromstraightforwardness，shehadafurtherreasonforbeinggladChancehadforceduponherthealternativeoftellinghimorlying。Shedidnotinquireintotherealitiesbeneaththesurfaceoftheirlife——neitherintowhathethoughtofher，norintowhatshethoughtofhim——thoughtinthebottomofherheart。Shecontinuedtofightagainst，toignore，herfeelingofaloneness，herfeelingofimpendingdeparture。
Shewasaidedinthisbyheranxietyabouttheirfinances。Inhiseffortstoplacehisplayhewasspendingwhatwereforthemlargesumsofmoney——treatingthismanandthattodinners，tosuppers——invitingmentolunchwithhimatexpensiveBroadwayrestaurants。Sheassumedthatallthiswasnecessary；hesaidso，andhemustknow。Hewasequallyopen-handedwhentheywerealone，insistingonorderingthemoreexpensivedishes，onhavingsupperstheyreallydidnotneedanddrinkwhichsheknewshewouldbebetteroffwithout——and，shesuspected，healso。Itsimplywasnotinhim，shesaw，tobecarefulaboutmoney。Shelikedit，asatrait，fortoherastoalltheyoungandtheunthinkingcarelessnessaboutmoneyseemsasure，perhapsthesurest，signofgenerosity——wheninfactthetwoqualitiesareinnowayrelated。Characterisnotacollectionofignorantimpulsesbutasolidlywovenfabricofdeliberatepurposes。
Carelessnessaboutanythingmostoftenindicatesatendencytocarelessnessabouteverything。Sheadmiredhisopenhandedwayofscattering；shewouldn”thaveadmireditinherself，wouldhavethoughtitdishonestandselfish。ButRodwasdifferent。_He_hadthe“artistictemperament，“whileshewasacommonplacenobody，whooughttobe——andwas——gratefultohimforallowinghertostayonandformakingsuchuseofherashesawfit。Still，evenassheadmired，shesawdanger，gravedanger，adisturbinglyshortdistanceahead。Hedescribedtoherthedifficultieshewashavingingettingtomanagers，inhavinghisplayread，andtheabsurdityofthereasonsgivenforturningitdown。Hemadelightofallthese；thenextmanagerwouldsee，wouldgivehimabigadvance，wouldputtheplayon——andthen，EasyStreet！
Butexperiencehadalreadykilledwhatlittleoptimismtherewasinhertemperament——andtherehadnotbeenmuch，becauseGeorgeWarhamwasasuccessfulmaninhisline，andsuccessfulmendonotcreateorpermitoptimisticatmosphereevenintheirhouses。
NorhadsheforgottenBurlingham”slecturesonthesubjectwithillustrationsfromhisownspoiledcareer；sheunderstooditallnow——andeverythingelsehehadgivenhertostoreupinhermemorythatretainedeverything。Withthatphilippicagainstoptimisminmind，shefeltwhatSpenserwasrushingtoward。Shemadesuchinquiriesaboutworkforherselfasherinexperienceandlimitedopportunitiespermitted。Sheasked，shebeggedhim，tolethertrytogetaplace。Heangrilyorderedhertoputanysuchnotionoutofherhead。Afteratimeshenervedherselfagaintospeak。Thenhefranklyshowedherwhyhewasrefusing。
“No，“saidheperemptorily，“Icouldn”ttrustyouinthosetemptations。YoumuststaywhereIcanguardyou。”
Awomanwhohaddeliberatelytakentothestreets——why，shethoughtnothingofvirtue；shewouldbehavingloverswiththeutmostindifference；andwhileshewasnotaliaryet”atleast，Ithinknot“——howlongwouldthatlast？Withvirtuegone，virtuethefoundationofwoman”scharacter——therestcouldnomorestandthanahousesetonsand。
“Aslongasyouwantmetoloveyou，you”vegottostaywithme，“hedeclared。“Ifyoupersist，I”llknowyou”resimplylookingforachancetogobacktoyouroldways。”
Andthoughshecontinuedtothinkandcautiouslytoinquireaboutworkshesaidnomoretohim。Shespentnotapenny，discouragedhimfromthrowingmoneyaway——asmuchasshecouldwithoutirritatinghim——andwaitedforthecataclysm。Waitednotingloomandtearsbutasnormalhealthyyouthawaitsanyadversitynotdefinitelyscheduledforanhourcloseathand。ItwouldbefarindeedfromthetruthtopictureSusanaseverforlongamelancholyfiguretotheeyeorevenwhollymelancholywithin。Herintelligenceandhertoosympatheticheartweretogetherastrongforceforsadnessinherlife，astheycannotbutbeinanylife。Inthisworld，tounderstandandtosympathizeistobesaddened。Buttherewasinheraforcestrongerthaneitherorboth。Shehadsuperbhealth。Itmadeherbeautiful，strongbodyhappy；andthatphysicalhappinessbroughtherupquicklyoutofanydepths——madehergayinspiteofherself，causedhertoenjoyevenwhenshefeltthatitwas“almostlikehard-heartednesstobehappy。”Shelovedthesunandinthiscitywherethesunshonealmostallthedays，sparklinggloriouslyuponthetinysaltparticlesfillingtheairandmakingitdelicioustobreatheandupontheskin——inthisCityoftheSunasshecalledit，shewasgayevenwhenshewasheavy-hearted。
Thus，shewasnorepellent，aggravatingcompaniontoRodassheawaitedthecataclysm。
Itcameinthethirdweek。Hespenttheentiredayawayfromher，towardmidnighthereturned，flushedwithliquor。Shehadgonetobed。“Getupanddress，“saidhewithanirritabilitytowardherwhichshehadnodifficultyinseeingwasreallydirectedathimself。“I”mhungry——andthirsty。We”regoingoutforsomesupper。”
“Comekissmefirst，“saidshe，stretchingoutherarms。Severaltimesthisdevicehadshiftedhispurposefromspendingmoneyontheneedlessandexpensivesuppers。
Helaughed。“Notakiss。We”regoingtohaveonefinalblow-out。
Istarttoworktomorrow。I”vetakenaplaceonthe_Herald_——onspace，guarantyoftwenty-fiveaweek，goodchancetoaveragefiftyorsixty。”
Hesaidthishurriedly，carelessly，gayly——guiltily。Sheshowedthenandtherewhatasurpassingwiseyoungwomanshewas，forshedidnotexclaimorremindhimofhishighresolvetodoordieasaplaywright。“I”llbereadyinaminute，“wasallshesaid。
Shedressedswiftly，heloungingonthesofaandwatchingher。
Helovedtowatchherdress，shediditsogracefully，andthemotionsbroughtoutlatentcharmsofhersupplefigure。“You”renotsosure-fingeredtonightasusual，“saidhe。“Ineversawyoumakesomanyblunders——andyou”vegotonestockingonwrongsideout。”
Shesmiledintotheglassathim。“Theskirt”llcoverthat。I
guessIwassleepy。”
“Neversawyoureyesmorewide-awake。What”reyouthinkingabout？“
“Aboutsupper，“declaredshe。“I”mhungry。Ididn”tfeellikeeatingalone。”
“Ican”tbeherealways，“saidhecrossly——andsheknewhewassuspectingwhatshereallymustbethinking。
“Iwasn”tcomplaining，“repliedshesweetly。“YouknowI
understandaboutbusiness。”
“Yes，Iknow，“saidhe，withhisairofgenerositythatalwaysmadeherfeelgrateful。“Ialwaysfeelperfectlyfreeaboutyou。”
“Ishouldsay！“laughedshe。“YouknowIdon”tcarewhathappenssolongasyousucceed。”SincetheirtalkinBroadwaythatfirsteveninginNewYorkshehadinstinctivelyneversaid“we。”