Thereaderofto-daywillnotforget，Itrust，thatitisnearlyaquarterofacenturysincethesepaperswerewritten。Statementswhichweretruethenarenotnecessarilytruenow。Thus，thespeedofthetrottinghorsehasbeensomuchdevelopedthattherecordoftheyearwhenthefastesttimetothatdatewasgivenmustbeveryconsiderablyaltered，asmaybeseenbyreferringtoanoteonpage49ofthe\"Autocrat。\"NodoubtmanyotherstatementsandopinionsmightbemoreorlessmodifiedifIwerewritingtodayinsteadofhavingwrittenbeforethewar，whentheworldandIwerebothmorethanascoreofyearsyounger。
Thesepapersfollowedcloseuponthetrackofthe\"Autocrat。\"Theyhadtoendurethetrialtowhichallsecondcomersaresubjected，whichisaformidableordealfortheleastaswellasthegreatest。
ParadiseRegainedandtheSecondPartofFaustareexampleswhichareenoughtowarneveryonewhohasmadeajinglefairhitwithhisarrowofthedangerofmissingwhenhelooses\"hisfellowoftheselfsameflight。\"
Thereisgoodreasonwhyitshouldbeso。Thefirstjuicethatrunsofitselffromthegrapescomesfromtheheartofthefruit，andtastesofthepulponly；whenthegrapesaresqueezedinthepresstheflowbetraystheflavoroftheskin。Ifthereisanyfreshnessintheoriginalideaofthework，ifthereisanyindividualityinthemethodorstyleofanewauthor，orofanoldauthoronanewtrack，itwillhavelostmuchofitsfirsteffectwhenrepeated。
Still，therehavenotbeenwantingreaderswhohavepreferredthissecondseriesofpaperstothefirst。Thenewpapersweremoreaggressivethantheearlierones，andforthatreasonfoundaheartierwelcomeinsomequarters，andmetwithasharperantagonisminothers。Itamusesmetolookbackonsomeoftheattackstheycalledforth。Opinionswhichdonotexcitethefaintestshowoftemperatthistimefromthosewhodonotacceptthemweretreatedasiftheyweretheutterancesofanihilistincendiary。Itrequiredtheexerciseofsomeforbearancenottorecriminate。
Howastraysentence，apopularsaying，themaximofsomewiseman，alineaccidentallyfallenuponandremembered，willsometimeshelponewhenheisallreadytobevexedorindignant！Oneday，inthetimewhenIwasyoungoryoungish，Ihappenedtoopenasmallcopyof\"TomJones，\"andglanceatthetitle-page。Therewasoneofthoselittleengravingsopposite，whichborethefamiliarnameof\"T。Uwins，\"asI
rememberit，andunderitthewords\"Mr。Partridgeboreallthispatiently。\"Howmanytimes，when，afterroughusagefromill-manneredcritics，myownvocabularyofvituperationwassimmeringinsuchalivelywaythatitthreatenedtoboilandliftitslidandsoboilover，thosewordshavecalmedthesmallinternaleffervescence！Thereisverylittleinthemandverylittleofthem；
andsothereisnotmuchinalinchpinconsideredbyitself，butitoftenkeepsawheelfromcomingoffandpreventswhatmightbeacatastrophe。Thechieftroubleinofferingsuchpapersasthesetothereadersofto-dayisthattheirheresieshavebecomesofamiliaramongintelligentpeoplethattheyhavetoocommonplaceanaspect。
Allthelighthousesandland-marksofbeliefbearsodifferentlyfromthewayinwhichtheypresentedthemselveswhenthesepaperswerewrittenthatitishardtorecognizethatweandourfellow-
passengersarestillinthesameoldvesselsailingthesameunfathomableseaandboundtothesameasyetunseenharbor。
Butafterall，thereisnotenoughtheology，goodorbad，inthesepaperstocausethemtobeinscribedontheProtestantIndexExpurgatorius；andiftheyaremedicatedwithafewquestionabledogmasorantidogmas，thepublichasbecomeusedtosomuchroughertreatments，thatwhatwasonceanirritantmaynowactasananodyne，andthereadermaynodoverpageswhich，whentheywerefirstwritten，wouldhavewakedhimintoaparoxysmofprotestanddenunciation。
November，1882。
PREFACETOTHENEWEDITION
Thisbookisoneofthosewhich，ifitlivesforanumberofdecades，andifitrequiresanyPrefaceatall，wantsanewoneeverytenyears。ThefirstPrefacetoabookisapttobeexplanatory，perhapsapologetic，intheexpectationofattacksfromvariousquarters。Ifthebookisinsomepointsinadvanceofpublicopinion，itisnaturalthatthewritershouldtrytosmooththewaytothereceptionofhismoreorlessaggressiveideas。Hewishestoconvince，nottooffend，——toobtainahearingforhisthought，nottostirupangryoppositioninthosewhodonotacceptit。ThereiscommonlyananxiouslookaboutafirstPreface。Theauthorthinksheshallbemisapprehendedaboutthisorthatmatter，thathiswell-meantexpressionswillprobablybeinvidiouslyinterpretedbythosewhomhelooksuponasprejudicedcritics，andifhedealswithlivingquestionsthathewillbeattackedasadestructivebytheconservativesandreproachedforhistimiditybythenoisierradicals。ThefirstPreface，therefore，islikelytobetheweakestpartofaworkcontainingthethoughtsofanhonestwriter。
Afteratimethewriterhascooleddownfromhisexcitement，——hasgotoverhisapprehensions，ispleasedtofindthathisbookisstillread，andthathemustwriteanewPreface。Hecomessmilingtohistask。Howmanythingshaveexplainedthemselvesinthetenortwentyorthirtyyearssincehecamebeforehisuntriedpublicinthosealmostplaintiveparagraphsinwhichheintroducedhimselftohisreaders，——forthePrefacewriter，nomatterhowfierceacombatanthemayprove，comesontothestagewithhisshieldonhisrightarmandhisswordinhislefthand。
TheProfessorattheBreakfast-Tablecameoutinthe\"AtlanticMonthly\"andintroduceditselfwithoutanyformalPreface。AquarterofacenturylaterthePrefaceof1882，whichthereaderhasjusthadlaidbeforehim，waswritten。Thereisnomarkofworry，Ithink，inthat。Oldopponentshadcomeupandshakenhandswiththeauthortheyhadattackedordenounced。Newspaperswhichhadwarnedtheirsubscribersagainsthimweregladtogethimasacontributortotheircolumns。Agreatchangehadcomeoverthecommunitywithreferencetotheirbeliefs。Christianbelieverswereunitedasneverbeforeinthefeelingthat，afterall，theircommonobjectwastoelevatethemoralandreligiousstandardofhumanity。ButwithinthespecialcompartmentsofthegreatChristianfoldthemarksofdivisionhavepronouncedthemselvesinthemostunmistakablemanner。
Asanexamplewemaytakethelinesofcleavagewhichhaveshownthemselvesinthetwogreatchurches，theCongregationalandthePresbyterian，andtheverydistinctfissurewhichismanifestinthetransplantedAnglicanchurchofthiscountry。Recentcircumstanceshavebroughtoutthefactofthegreatchangeinthedogmaticcommunitieswhichhasbeengoingonsilentlybutsurely。Thelicensingofamissionary，thetransferofaProfessorfromonedepartmenttoanother，theelectionofaBishop，——eachofthesemovementsfurnishesevidencethatthereisnosuchthingasanair-
tightreservoirofdoctrinalfinalities。
Thefolding-doorsarewideopentoeveryProtestanttoenteralltheprivilegedprecinctsandprivateapartmentsofthevariousexclusivereligiousorganizations。Wemaydemandthecredentialsofeverycreedandcatechiseallthecatechisms。Sowemaydiscussthegravestquestionsunblamedoverourmorningcoffee-cupsoroureveningtea-cups。ThereisnorestfortheProtestantuntilhegivesuphislegendaryanthropologyandallitsdogmaticdependencies。
Itisonlyincidentally，however，thattheProfessorattheBreakfast-Tablehandlesmatterswhicharethesubjectsofreligiouscontroversy。Thereaderwhoissensitiveabouthavinghisfixedbeliefsdealtwithasiftheywereopentoquestionhadbetterskipthepageswhichlookasiftheywoulddisturbhiscomplacency。
\"Faith\"isthemostpreciousofpossessions，anditdislikesbeingmeddledwith。Itmeans，ofcourse，self-trust，——thatis，abeliefinthevalueofour，ownopinionofadoctrine，ofachurch，ofareligion，ofaBeing，abeliefquiteindependentofanyevidencethatwecanbringtoconvinceajuryofourfellowbeings。Itsrootsarethusinextricablyentangledwiththoseofself-loveandbleedasmandrakesweresaidto，whenpulledupasweeds。Somepersonsmayevenatthislatedaytakeoffenceatafewopinionsexpressedinthefollowingpages，butmostofthesepassageswillbereadwithoutlossoftemperbythosewhodisagreewiththem，andby-and-bytheymaybefoundtootimidandconservativeforintelligentreaders，iftheyarestillreadbyany。
BEVERLYFARM，MASS。，June18，1891。
O。W。H。
THEPROFESSOR
ATTHE
BREAKFAST-TABLE。
Whathesaid，whatheheard，andwhathesaw。
I
Iintendedtohavesignalizedmyfirstappearancebyacertainlargestatement，whichIflattermyselfisthenearestapproachtoauniversalformula，oflifeyetpromulgatedatthisbreakfast-table。
Itwouldhavehadagrandeffect。ForthispurposeIfixedmyeyesonacertaindivinity-student，withtheintentionofexchangingafewphrases，andthenforcingmycourt-card，namely，Thegreatendofbeing——Iwillthankyouforthesugar，——Isaid——Manisadependentcreature。
Itisasmallfavortoask，——saidthedivinity-student，——andpassedthesugartome——
Lifeisagreatbundleoflittlethings，——Isaid。
Thedivinity-studentsmiled，asifthatweretheconcludingepigramofthesugarquestion。
Yousmile，——Isaid——Perhapslifeseemstoyoualittlebundleofgreatthings？
Thedivinity-studentstartedalaugh，butsuddenlyreineditbackwithapull，asonethrowsahorseonhishaunches——Lifeisagreatbundleofgreatthings，——hesaid。
NOW，THEN！Thegreatendofbeing，afterall，is……
Holdon！——saidmyneighbor，ayoungfellowwhosenameseemstobeJohn，andnothingelse，——forthatiswhattheyallcallhim，——holdon！theSculpinisgo’n’tosaysomethin’。
NowtheSculpinCottusVirginianusisalittlewater-beastwhichpretendstoconsideritselfafish，and，underthatpretext，hangsaboutthepilesuponwhichWest-BostonBridgeisbuilt，swallowingthebaitandhookintendedforflounders。Onbeingdrawnfromthewater，itexposesanimmensehead，adiminutivebonycarcass，andasurfacesofullofspines，ridges，ruffles，andfrills，thatthenaturalistshavenotbeenabletocountthemwithoutquarrellingaboutthenumber，andthatthecoloredyouth，whosesporttheyspoil，donotliketotouchthem，andespeciallytotreadonthem，unlesstheyhappentohaveshoeson，tocoverthethickwhitesolesoftheirbroadblackfeet。
When，therefore，Iheardtheyoungfellow’sexclamation，Ilookedroundthetablewithcuriositytoseewhatitmeant。AtthefurtherendofitIsawahead，anda——asmallportionofalittledeformedbody，mountedonahighchair，whichbroughttheoccupantuptoafairlevelenoughforhimtogetathisfood。Hiswholeappearancewassogrotesque，IfeltforaminuteasiftherewasashowmanbehindhimwhowouldpullhimdownpresentlyandputupJudy，orthehangman，ortheDevil，orsomeotherwoodenpersonageofthefamousspectacle。Icontrivedtolosethefirstofhissentence，butwhatI
heardbeganso:——
bytheFrog-Pond，whentherewerefrogsinandthefolksusedtocomedownfromthetentsonsectionandIndependencedayswiththeirpailstogetwatertomakeegg-popwith。BorninBoston；wenttoschoolinBostonaslongastheboyswouldletme——Thelittlemangroaned，turned，asiftolookaround，andwenton——RanawayfromschoolonedaytoseePhillipshungforkillingDenegriwithalogger-head。Thatwasinflipdays，whentherewerealwaystwothreeloggerheadsinthefire。I’maBostonboy，Itellyou，——bornatNorthEnd，andmeantobeburiedonCopp’sHill，withthegoodoldundergroundpeople，——theWorthylakes，andtherestof’em。Yes，——upontheoldhill，wheretheyburiedCaptainDanielMalcolminastonegrave，tenfeetdeep，tokeephimsafefromthered-coats，inthoseoldtimeswhentheworldwasfrozenuptightandtherewasn’tbutonespotopen，andthatwasrightoverFaneuilall，——andblackenoughitlooked，Itellyou！There’swheremybonesshalllie，Sir，andrattleawaywhenthebiggunsgooffattheNavyYardopposite！Youcan’tmakemeashamedoftheoldplace！Fullcrookedlittlestreets；——Iwasbornandusedtorunroundinoneof’em——
Ishouldthinkso，——saidthatyoungmanwhomIhearthemcall\"John，\"——softly，notmeaningtobeheard，nortobecruel，butthinkinginahalf-whisper，evidently——Ishouldthinkso；andgotkinkedup，turnin’somanycorners——Thelittlemandidnothearwhatwassaid，butwenton，——
fullofcrookedlittlestreets；butItellyouBostonhasopened，andkeptopen，moreturnpikesthatleadstraighttofreethoughtandfreespeechandfreedeedsthananyothercityoflivemenordeadmen，——Idon’tcarehowbroadtheirstreetsare，norhowhightheirsteeples！——
HowhighisBostingmeet’n’-house？——saidapersonwithblackwhiskersandimperial，avelvetwaistcoat，aguard-chainrathertoomassive，andadiamondpinsoverylargethatthemosttrustingnaturemightconfessaninwardsuggestion，——ofcourse，nothingamountingtoasuspicion。Forthisisagentlemanfromagreatcity，andsitsnexttothelandlady’sdaughter，whoevidentlybelievesinhim，andistheobjectofhisespecialattention。
Howhigh？——saidthelittleman——AshighasthefirststepofthestairsthatleadtotheNewJerusalem。Isn’tthathighenough？
Itis，——Isaid——Thegreatendofbeingistoharmonizemanwiththeorderofthings，andthechurchhasbeenagoodpitch-pipe，andmaybesostill。Butwhoshalltunethepitch-pipe？Quiscus-Onthewhole，asthisquotationwasnotentirelynew，and，beinginaforeignlanguage，mightnotbefamiliartoalltheboarders，I
thoughtIwouldnotfinishit。——
GototheBible！——saidasharpvoicefromasharp-faced，sharp-
eyed，sharp-elbowed，strenuous-lookingwomaninablackdress，appearingasifitbeganasapieceofmourningandperpetuateditselfasabitofeconomy。
Youspeakwell，Madam，——Isaid；——yetthereisroomforaglossorcommentaryonwhatyousay。\"HewhowouldbringbackthewealthoftheIndiesmustcarryoutthewealthoftheIndies。\"WhatyoubringawayfromtheBibledependstosomeextentonwhatyoucarrytoit-
BenjaminFranklin！Besogoodastostepuptomychamberandbringmedownthesmalluncoveredpamphletoftwentypageswhichyouwillfindlyingunderthe\"Cruden’sConcordance。\"[Theboytookalargebite，whichleftaveryperfectcrescentinthesliceofbread-and-
butterheheld，anddepartedonhiserrand，withtheportablefractionofhisbreakfasttosustainhimontheway。]——
Hereitis。\"GototheBible。ADissertation，，etc。，etc。ByJ。
J。Flournoy。Athens，Georgia，1858。\"
Mr。Flournoy，Madam，hasobeyedthepreceptwhichyouhavejudiciouslydelivered。Youmaybeinterested，Madam，toknowwhataretheconclusionsatwhichMr。J。J。FlournoyofAthens，Georgia，hasarrived。Youshallhear，Madam。HehasgonetotheBible，andhehascomebackfromtheBible，bringingaremedyforexistingsocialevils，which，ifitistherealspecific，asitprofessestobe，isofgreatinteresttohumanity，andtothefemalepartofhumanityinparticular。ItiswhathecallsTRIGAMY，Madam，orthemarryingofthreewives，sothat\"goodoldmen\"maybesolacedatoncebythecompanionshipofthewisdomofmaturity，andofthoselessperfectedbuthardlylessengagingqualitieswhicharefoundatanearlierperiodoflife。Hehasfollowedyourprecept，Madam；I
hopeyouaccepthisconclusions。
Thefemaleboarderinblackattirelookedsopuzzled，and，infact，\"allabroad，\"afterthedeliveryofthis\"counter\"ofmine，thatI
lefthertorecoverherwits，andwentonwiththeconversation，whichIwasbeginningtogetprettywellinhand。
ButinthemeantimeIkeptmyeyeonthefemaleboardertoseewhateffectIhadproduced。First，shewasalittlestunnedathavingherargumentknockedover。Secondly，shewasalittleshockedatthetremendouscharacterofthetriplematrimonialsuggestion。Thirdly——
Idon’tliketosaywhatIthought。Somethingseemedtohavepleasedherfancy。Whetheritwas，that，iftrigamyshouldcomeintofashion，therewouldbethreetimesasmanychancestoenjoytheluxuryofsaying，\"No！\"ismorethanI，cantellyou。ImayaswellmentionthatB。F。cametomeafterbreakfasttoborrowthepamphletfor\"alady，\"——oneoftheboarders，hesaid，——lookingasifhehadasecrethewishedtoberelievedof——
Icontinued——Ifahumansoulisnecessarilytobetrainedupinthefaithofthosefromwhomitinheritsitsbody，why，thereistheendofallreason。If，soonerorlater，everysoulistolookfortruthwithitsowneyes，thefirstthingistorecognizethatnopresumptioninfavorofanyparticularbeliefarisesfromthefactofourinheritingit。OtherwiseyouwouldnotgivetheMahometanafairchancetobecomeaconverttoabetterreligion。
Thesecondthingwouldbetodepolarizeeveryfixedreligiousideainthemindbychangingthewordwhichstandsforit——
Idon’tknowwhatyoumeanby\"depolarizing\"anidea，——saidthedivinity-student。
Iwilltellyou，——Isaid——Whenagivensymbolwhichrepresentsathoughthaslainforacertainlengthoftimeinthemind，itundergoesachangelikethatwhichrestinacertainpositiongivestoiron。Itbecomesmagneticinitsrelations，——itistraversedbystrangeforceswhichdidnotbelongtoit。Theword，andconsequentlytheideaitrepresents，ispolarized。
Thereligiouscurrencyofmankind，inthought，inspeech，andinprint，consistsentirelyofpolarizedwords。Borrowoneofthesefromanotherlanguageandreligion，andyouwillfinditleavesallitsmagnetismbehindit。Takethatfamousword，O’m，oftheHindoomythology。Evenapriestcannotpronounceitwithoutsin；andaholyPunditwouldshuthisearsandrunawayfromyouinhorror，ifyoushouldsayitaloud。WhatdoyoucareforO’m？IfyouwantedtogetthePundittolookathisreligionfairly，youmustfirstdepolarizethisandallsimilarwordsforhim。TheargumentforandagainstnewtranslationsoftheBiblereallyturnsonthis。Skepticismisafraidtotrustitstruthsindepolarizedwords，andsocriesoutagainstanewtranslation。Ithink，myself，ifeveryideaourBookcontainscouldbeshelledoutofitsoldsymbolandputintoanew，clean，unmagneticword，weshouldhavesomechanceofreadingitasphilosophers，orwisdom-lovers，oughttoreadit，——whichwedonotandcannotnowanymorethanaHindoocanreadthe\"Gayatri\"asafairmanandloveroftruthshoulddo。WhensocietyhasoncefairlydissolvedtheNewTestament，whichitneverhasdoneyet，itwillperhapscrystallizeitoveragaininnewformsoflanguage。
Ididn’tknowyouwasasettledministeroverthisparish，——saidtheyoungfellownearme。
Asermonbyalay-preachermaybeworthlistening——Ireplied，calmly——
Itgivestheparallaxofthoughtandfeelingastheyappeartotheobserversfromtwoverydifferentpointsofview。Ifyouwishtogetthedistanceofaheavenlybody，youknowthatyoumusttaketwoobservationsfromremotepointsoftheearth’sorbit，——inmidsummerandmidwinter，forinstance。Togettheparallaxofheavenlytruths，youmusttakeanobservationfromthepositionofthelaityaswellasoftheclergy。Teachersandstudentsoftheologygetacertainlook，certainconventionaltonesofvoice，aclericalgait，aprofessionalneckcloth，andhabitsofmindasprofessionalastheirexternals。TheyarescholarlymenandreadBacon，andknowwellenoughwhatthe\"idolsofthetribe\"are。Ofcoursetheyhavetheirfalsegods，asallmenthatfollowoneexclusivecallingarepronetodo——Theclergyhaveplayedthepartoftheflywheelinourmoderncivilization。Theyhaveneversufferedittostop。Theyhaveoftencarriedonitsmovement，whenothermovingpowersfailed，bythemomentumstoredintheirvastbody。Sometimes，too，theyhavekeptitbackbytheirvisinertia，whenitswheelswereliketogrindthebonesofsomeoldcanonizederrorintofertilizersforthesoilthatyieldsthebreadoflife。Butthemainspringoftheworld’sonwardreligiousmovementisnotinthem，norinanyonebodyofmen，letmetellyou。Itisthepeoplethatmakestheclergy，andnottheclergythatmakesthepeople。Ofcourse，theprofessionreactsonitssourcewithvariableenergy——Butthereneverwasaguildofdealersoracompanyofcraftsmenthatdidnotneedsharplookingafter。
Ouroldfriend，Dr。Holyoke，whomwegavethedinnertosometimesince，musthaveknownmanypeoplethatsawthegreatbonfireinHarvardCollegeyard——
Bonfire？——shriekedthelittleman——ThebonfirewhenRobertCalef’sbookwasburned？
Thesame，——Isaid，——whenRobertCaleftheBostonmerchant’sbookwasburnedintheyardofHarvardCollege，byorderofIncreaseMather，PresidentoftheCollegeandMinisteroftheGospel。Youremembertheoldwitchcraftrevivalof’92，andhowstoutMasterRobertCalef，traderofBoston，hadtheplucktotelltheministersandjudgeswhatasetoffoolsandworsethanfoolstheywere-
Rememberit？——saidthelittleman——Idon’tthinkIshallforgetit，aslongasIcanstretchthisforefingertopointwith，andseewhatitwears。Therewasaringonit。
MayIlookatit？——Isaid。
Whereitis，——saidthelittleman；——itwillnevercomeoff，tillitfallsofffromtheboneinthedarknessandinthedust。
Hepushedthehighchaironwhichhesatslightlybackfromthetable，anddroppedhimself，standing，tothefloor，——hisheadbeingonlyalittleabovethelevelofthetable，ashestood。Withpainandlabor，liftingonefootovertheother，asadrummerhandleshissticks，hetookafewstepsfromhisplace，——hismotionsandthedeadbeatofthemisshapenbootsannouncingtomypractisedeyeandearthemalformationwhichiscalledinlearnedlanguagetalipesvarus，orinvertedclub-foot。
Stop！stop！——Isaid，——letmecometoyou。
Thelittlemanhobbledback，andliftedhimselfbytheleftarm，withaneaseapproachingtogracewhichsurprisedme，intohishighchair。
Iwalkedtohisside，andhestretchedouttheforefingerofhisrighthand，withtheringuponit。Theringhadbeenputonlongago，andcouldnotpassthemisshapenjoint。Itwasoneofthosefuneralringswhichusedtobegiventorelativesandfriendsafterthedeceaseofpersonsofanynoteorimportance。Beneatharoundfitofglasswasadeath’shead。Engravedononesideofthis，\"L。
B。AEt。22，\"——ontheother，\"Ob。1692
Mygrandmother’sgrandmother，——saidthelittleman——Hangedforawitch。Itdoesn’tseemagreatwhileago。Iknewmygrandmother，andlovedher。HermotherwasdaughtertothewitchthatChiefJusticeSewallhangedandCottonMatherdeliveredovertotheDevil——
ThatwasSalem，though，andnotBoston。No，notBoston。RobertCalef，theBostonmerchant，itwasthatblewthemallto-
Nevermindwhereheblewthemto，——Isaid；forthelittlemanwasgettingredintheface，andIdidn’tknowwhatmightcomenext。
Thisepisodebrokemeup，asthejockeyssay，outofmysquareconversationaltrot；butIsettleddowntoitagain——
Amanthatknowsmen，inthestreet，attheirwork，humannatureinitsshirt-sleeves，whomakesbargainswithdeacons，insteadoftalkingovertextswiththem，amanwhohasfoundoutthatthereareplentyofprayingroguesandswearingsaintsintheworld，——aboveall，whohasfoundout，bylivingintothepithandcoreoflife，thatalloftheDeitywhichcanbefoldedupbetweenthesheetsofanyhumanbookistotheDeityofthefirmament，ofthestrata，ofthehotaorticfloodofthrobbinghumanlife，ofthisinfinite，instantaneousconsciousnessinwhichthesoul’sbeingconsists，——anincandescentpointinthefilamentconnectingthenegativepoleofapasteternitywiththepositivepoleofaneternitythatistocome，——
thatalloftheDeitywhichanyhumanbookcanholdistothislargerDeityoftheworkingbatteryoftheuniverseonlyasthefilmsinabookofgold-leafaretothebroadseamsandcurdledlumpsoforethatlieinunsunnedminesandvirginplacers，——Oh！——Iwassayingthatamanwholivesout-of-doors，amonglivepeople，getssomethingsintohisheadhemightnotfindintheindexofhis\"BodyofDivinity。\"
Itellyouwhat，——theideaoftheprofessions’diggingamoatroundtheirclosecorporations，likethatJapaneseoneatJeddo，onthebottomofwhich，iftravellersdonotlie，youcouldputParkStreetChurchandlookoverthevanefromitsside，andtrytostretchanothersuchspireacrossitwithoutspanningthechasm，——thatidea，Isay，isprettynearlywornout。Nowwhenacivilizationoracivilizedcustomfallsintoseniledementia，thereiscommonlyajudgmentripeforit，anditcomesasplaguescome，fromabreath，——
asfirescome，fromaspark。
Here，lookatmedicine。Bigwigs，gold-headedcanes，Latinprescriptions，shopsfullofabominations，recipesayardlong，\"curing\"patientsbydruggingassailorsbringawindbywhistling，sellingliesataguineaapiece，——aroutine，inshort，ofgivingunfortunatesickpeopleamessofthingseithertooodioustoswallowortooacridtohold，or，ifthatwerepossible，bothatonce——
Youdon’tknowwhatImean，indignantandnotunintelligentcountry-practitioner？Thenyoudon’tknowthehistoryofmedicine，——
andthatisnotmyfault。Butdon’texposeyourselfinanyoutbreakofeloquence；for，bythemortarinwhichAnaxarchuswaspounded！I
didnotbringhomeSchenckiusandForestusandHildanus，andalltheoldfoliosincalfandvellumIwillshowyou，tobebulliedbytheproprietor，ofa\"WoodandBache，\"andashelfofpepperedsheepskinreprintsbyPhiladelphiaEditors。Besides，manyoftheprofessionandIknowalittlesomethingofeachother，andyoudon’tthinkIamsuchasimpletonastolosetheirgoodopinionbysayingwhatthebetterheadsamongthemwouldcondemnasunfairanduntrue？Nowmarkhowthegreatplaguecameonthegenerationofdruggingdoctors，andinwhatformitfell。
Aschemingdrug-vender，inventivegenius，anutterlyuntrustworthyandincompetentobserver，profoundsearcherofNature，ashallowdabblerinerudition，sagaciousscholar，startedthemonstrousfictionfoundedtheimmortalsystemofHomoeopathy。Iamveryfair，yousee，——youcanhelpyourselftoeitherofthesesetsofphrases。
Allthereasonintheworldwouldnothavehadsorapidandgeneralaneffectonthepublicmindtodisabuseitoftheideathatadrugisagoodthinginitself，insteadofbeing，asitis，abadthing，aswasproducedbythetricksystemofthisGermancharlatantheorist。Notthatthewiserpartoftheprofessionneededhimtoteachthem；buttheroutinistsandtheiremployers，the\"generalpractitioners，\"wholivedbysellingpillsandmixtures，andtheirdrug-consumingcustomers，hadtorecognizethatpeoplecouldgetwell，unpoisoned。Thesedumbcattlewouldnotlearnitofthemselves，andsothemurrainofHomoeopathyfellonthem——
Youdon’tknowwhatplaguehasfallenonthepractitionersoftheology？Iwilltellyou，then。ItisSpiritualism。WhilesomearecryingoutagainstitasadelusionoftheDevil，andsomearelaughingatitasanhystericfolly，andsomearegettingangrywithitasameretrickofinterestedormischievouspersons，Spiritualismisquietlyunderminingthetraditionalideasofthefuturestatewhichhavebeenandarestillaccepted，——notmerelyinthosewhobelieveinit，butinthegeneralsentimentofthecommunity，toalargerextentthanmostgoodpeopleseemtobeawareof。Itneedn’tbetrue，todothis，anymorethanHomoeopathyneed，todoitswork。
TheSpiritualistshavesomeprettystronginstinctstopryover，whichnodoubthavebeenroughlyhandledbytheologiansatdifferenttimes。AndtheNemesisofthepulpitcomes，inashapeitlittlethoughtof，beginningwiththesnapofatoe-joint，andendingwithsuchacrackofoldbeliefsthattheroarofitisheardinalltheministers’studiesofChristendom？Sir，youcannothavepeopleofcultivation，ofpurecharacter，sensibleenoughincommonthings，large-heartedwomen，gravejudges，shrewdbusiness-men，menofscience，professingtobeincommunicationwiththespiritualworldandkeepingupconstantintercoursewithit，withoutitsgraduallyreactingonthewholeconceptionofthatotherlife。Itisthefollyoftheworld，constantly，whichconfoundsitswisdom。Notonlyoutofthemouthsofbabesandsucklings，butoutofthemouthsoffoolsandcheats，wemayoftengetourtruestlessons。Forthefool’sjudgmentisadog-vanethatturnswithabreath，andthecheatwatchesthecloudsandsetshisweathercockbythem，——sothatoneshalloftenseebytheirpointingwhichwaythewindsofheavenareblowing，whentheslow-wheelingarrowsandfeathersofwhatwecalltheTemplesofWisdomareturningtoallpointsofthecompass——
Amen！——saidtheyoungfellowcalledJohn——Tenminutesbythewatch。Thosethatareunanimouswillpleasetosignifybyholdinguptheirleftfoot！
Ilookedthisyoungmansteadilyinthefaceforaboutthirtyseconds。Hiscountenancewasascalmasthatofareposinginfant。
Ithinkitwassimplicity，ratherthanmischief，withperhapsayouthfulplayfulness，thatledhimtothisoutbreak。Ihaveoftennoticedthatevenquiethorses，onasharpNovembermorning，whentheircoatsarebeginningtogetthewinterroughness，willgivelittlesportivedemi-kicks，withslightsuddenelevationofthesubsequentregionofthebody，andasharpshortwhinny，——bynomeansintendingtoputtheirheelsthroughthedasher，ortoaddressthedriverrudely，butfeeling，touseafamiliarword，frisky。This，I
think，isthephysiologicalconditionoftheyoungperson，John。I
noticed，however，whatIshouldcallapalpebralspasm，affectingtheeyelidandmusclesofoneside，which，ifitwereintendedforthefacialgesturecalledawink，mightleadmetosuspectadispositiontobesatiricalonhispart——
Resumingtheconversation，Iremarked，——Iam，exofficio，asaProfessor，aconservative。ForIdon’tknowanyfruitthatclingstoitstreesofaithfully，notevena\"froze-’n’-thaw\"winter-apple，asaProfessortotheboughofwhichhischairismade。Youcan’tshakehimoff，anditisasmuchasyoucandotopullhimoff。Hence，byachainofinductionIneednotunwind，hetendstoconservatismgenerally。
Butthen，youknow，ifyouaresailingtheAtlantic，andallatoncefindyourselfinacurrent，andtheseacoveredwithweeds，anddropyourFahrenheitoverthesideandfinditeightortendegreeshigherthanintheoceangenerally，thereisnouseinflyinginthefaceoffactsandswearingthereisnosuchthingasaGulf-Stream，whenyouareinit。
Youcan’tkeepgasinabladder，andyoucan’tkeepknowledgetightinaprofession。Hydrogenwillleakout，andairwillleakin，throughIndia-rubber；andspecialknowledgewillleakout，andgeneralknowledgewillleakin，thoughaprofessionwerecoveredwithtwentythicknessesofsheepskindiplomas。
ByJove，Sir，tillcommonsenseiswellmixedupwithmedicine，andcommonmanhoodwiththeology，andcommonhonestywithlaw，Wethepeople，Sir，someofuswithnut-crackers，andsomeofuswithtrip-
hammers，andsomeofuswithpile-drivers，andsomeofuscomingwithawhish！likeair-stonesoutofalunarvolcano，willcrashdownonthelumpsofnonsenseinallofthemtillwehavemadepowderofthem——likeAaron’scalf[SeeHolmespoem:\"Whendoctor’stakewhattheywouldgiveandlawyersgivewhattheywouldtakeandstrawberriesgrowlargerdownthroughthebox。\"D。W。]
Iftobeaconservativeistoletallthedrainsofthoughtchokeupandkeepallthesoul’swindowsdown，——toshutoutthesunfromtheeastandthewindfromthewest，——tolettheratsrunfreeinthecellar，andthemothsfeedtheirfillinthechambers，andthespidersweavetheirlacebeforethemirrors，tillthesoul’styphusisbredoutofourneglect，andwebegintosnoreinitscomaorraveinitsdelirium，——I，Sir，amabonnet-rouge，aredcapofthebarricades，myfriends，ratherthanaconservative——
WereyouborninBoston，Sir？——saidthelittleman，——lookingeagerandexcited。
Iwasnot，——Ireplied。
It’sapity，——it’sapity，——saidthelittleman；——it’stheplacetobebornin。Butifyoucan’tfixitsoastobebornhere，youcancomeandlivehere。OldBenFranklin，thefatherofAmericanscienceandtheAmericanUnion，wasn’tashamedtobebornhere。JimOtis，thefatherofAmericanIndependence，botheredaboutintheCapeCodmarshesawhile，buthecametoBostonassoonashegotbigenough。
JoeWarren，thefirstbloodyruffed-shirtoftheRevolution，wasasgoodasbornhere。ParsonCharmingstrolledalongthiswayfromNewport，andstayedhere。PityoldSamHopkinshadn’tcome，too；——
we’dhavemadeamanofhim，——poor，dear，goodoldChristianheathen！
Therehelies，aspeacefulasayoungbaby，intheoldburying-
ground！I’vestoodontheslabmanyatime。Meantwell，——meantwell。Juggernaut。ParsonCharmingputalittleoilononelinchpin，andslippeditoutsosoftly，thefirstthingtheyknewaboutitwasthewheelofthatsidewasdown。T’otherfellow’satworknow，buthemakesmorenoiseaboutit。Whenthelinchpincomesoutonhisside，there’llbeajerk，Itellyou！Somethinkitwillspoiltheoldcart，andtheypretendtosaythattherearevaluablethingsinitwhichmaygethurt。Hopenot，——hopenot。ButthisisthegreatMacadamizingplace，——alwayscrackingupsomething。
CrackingupBostonfolks，——saidthegentlemanwiththediamond-pin，whom，forconvenience’sake，IshallhereaftercalltheKoh-i-noor。
Thelittlemanturnedroundmechanicallytowardshim，asMaelzel’sTurkusedtoturn，carryinghisheadslowlyandhorizontally，asifitwentbycogwheels——Crackingupallsortsofthings，——nativeandforeignverminincluded，——saidthelittleman。
Thisremarkwasthoughtbysomeofustohaveahiddenpersonalapplication，andtoaffordafairopeningforalivelyrejoinder，iftheKoh-i-noorhadbeensodisposed。ThelittlemanuttereditwiththedistinctwoodencalmnesswithwhichtheingeniousTurkusedtoexclaim，E-chec！sothatitmusthavebeenheard。Thepartysupposedtobeinterestedintheremarkwas，however，carryingalargeknife-
bladefulofsomethingtohismouthjustthen，which，nodoubt，interferedwiththereplyhewouldhavemade——
Myfriendwhousedtoboardherewasaccustomedsometimes，inapleasantway，tocallhimselftheAutocratofthetable，——meaning，I
suppose，thathehaditallhisownwayamongtheboarders。Ithinkoursmallboarderhereisliketoprovearefractorysubject，ifI
undertaketousethesceptremyfriendmeanttobequeathme，toomagisterially。Iwon’tdenythatsometimes，onrareoccasions，whenIhavebeenincompanywithgentlemenwhopreferredlistening，Ihavebeenguiltyofthesamekindofusurpationwhichmyfriendopenlyjustified。ButImaintain，thatI，theProfessor，amagoodlistener。Ifamancantellmeafactwhichsubtendsanappreciableangleinthehorizonofthought，Iamasreceptiveasthecontribution-boxinacongregationofcoloredbrethren。If，whenI
amexposingmyintellectualdry-goods，amanwillbeginagoodstory，Iwillhavethemallin，andmyshuttersup，beforehehasgottothefifth\"sayshe，\"andlistenlikeathree-years’child，astheauthorofthe\"OldSailor\"says。IhadratherhearoneofthosegrandelementallaughsfromeitherofourtwoGeorges，fictitiousnames，SirorMadam，glistentooneofthoseoldplaybillsofourCollegedays，inwhich\"TomandJerry\"\"ThomasandJeremiah，\"astheoldGreekProfessorwassaidtocallitwasannouncedtobebroughtonthestagewithwholeforceoftheFaculty，readbyourFrederick，nosuchperson，ofcourse，thansaythebestthingsImightbyanychancefindmyselfcapableofsaying。Ofcourse，ifIcomeacrossarealthinker，asuggestive，acute，illuminating，informingtalker，I
enjoytheluxuryofsittingstillforawhileasmuchasanother。
Nobodytalksmuchthatdoesn’tsayunwisethings，——thingshedidnotmeantosay；asnopersonplaysmuchwithoutstrikingafalsenotesometimes。Talk，tome，isonlyspadingupthegroundforcropsofthought。Ican’tanswerforwhatwillturnup。IfIcould，itwouldn’tbetalking，but\"speakingmypiece。\"Better，Ithink，theheartyabandonmentofone’sselftothesuggestionsofthemomentattheriskofanoccasionalslipofthetongue，perceivedtheinstantitescapes，butjustonesyllabletoolate，thantheroyalreputationofneversayingafoolishthing——
WhatshallIdowiththislittleman？——Thereisonlyonethingtodo，——andthatistolethimtalkwhenhewill。Thedayofthe\"Autocrat’s\"monologuesisover——
Myfriend，——saidItotheyoungfellowwhom，asIhavesaid，theboarderscall\"John，\"——Myfriend，——Isaid，onemorning，afterbreakfast，——canyougivemeanyinformationrespectingthedeformedpersonwhositsattheotherendofthetable？
What！theSculpin？——saidtheyoungfellow。
Thediminutiveperson，withangularcurvatureofthespine，——Isaid，——
anddoubletalipesvarus，——Ibegyourpardon，——withtwoclub-feet。
Isthatlongwordwhatyoucallitwhenafellahwalksso？——saidtheyoungman，makinghisfistsrevolveroundanimaginaryaxis，asyoumayhaveseenyouthoftenderageandlimitedpugilisticknowledge，whentheyshowhowtheywouldpunishanadversary，themselvesprotectedbythisrotatingguard，——themiddleknuckle，meantime，thumb-supported，fiercelyprominent，death-threatening。
Itis，——saidI——Butwouldyouhavethekindnesstotellmeifyouknowanythingaboutthisdeformedperson？
AbouttheSculpin？——saidtheyoungfellow。
Mygoodfriend，——saidI，——Iamsure，byyourcountenance，youwouldnothurtthefeelingsofonewhohasbeenhardlyenoughtreatedbyNaturetobesparedbyhisfellows。Eveninspeakingofhimtoothers，Icouldwishthatyoumightnotemployatermwhichimpliescontemptforwhatshouldinspireonlypity。
Afellah’snobusinesstobesocrooked，——saidtheyoungmancalledJohn。
Yes，yes，——Isaid，thoughtfully，——thestronghatetheweak。It’sallright。Thearrangementhasreferencetotherace，andnottotheindividual。Infirmitymustbekickedout，orthestockrundown。
Wholesalemoralarrangementsaresodifferentfromretail！——I
understandtheinstinct，myfriend，——itiscosmic，——itisplanetary，——
itisaconservativeprincipleincreation。
Theyoungfellow’sfacegraduallylostitsexpressionasIwasspeaking，untilitbecameasblankofvividsignificanceasthecountenanceofagingerbreadrabbitwithtwocurrantsintheplaceofeyes。Hehadnottakenmymeaning。
Presentlytheintelligencecamebackwithasnapthatmadehimwink，asheanswered，——Jestso。Allright。A1。Putherthrough。That’sthewaytotalk。Didyouspeaktome，Sir？——Heretheyoungmanstruckupthatwell-knownsongwhichIthinktheyusedtosingatMasonicfestivals，beginning，\"Aldiborontiphoscophornio，WhereleftyouChrononhotonthologos？\"
Ibegyourpardon，——Isaid；——allImeantwas，thatmen，astemporaryoccupantsofapermanentabodecalledhumanlife，whichisimprovedorinjuredbyoccupancy，accordingtothestyleoftenant，haveanaturaldisliketothosewho，iftheylivethelifeoftheraceaswellasoftheindividual，willleavelastinginjuriouseffectsupontheabodespokenof，whichistobeoccupiedbycountlessfuturegenerations。Thisisthefinalcauseoftheunderlyingbruteinstinctwhichwehaveincommonwiththeherds——
Thegingerbread-rabbitexpressionwascomingonsofast，thatI
thoughtImusttryagain——It’sapitythatfamiliesarekeptup，wheretherearesuchhereditaryinfirmities。Still，letustreatthispoormanfairly，andnotcallhimnames。Doyouknowwhathisnameis？
Iknowwhattherestof’emcallhim，——saidtheyoungfellow——TheycallhimLittleBoston。There’snoharminthat，isthere？
Itisanhonorableterm，——Ireplied——ButwhyLittleBoston，inaplacewheremostareBostonians？
BecausenobodyelseisquitesoBostonalloverasheis，——saidtheyoungfellow。
\"L。B。Ob。1692。\"——LittleBostonlethimbe，whenwetalkabouthim。
Theringhewearslabelshimwellenough。Thereisstuffinthelittleman，orhewouldn’tsticksomanfullybythiscrooked，crotchetyoldtown。Givehimachance——YouwilldroptheSculpin，won’tyou？——Isaidtotheyoungfellow。
Drophim？——heanswered，——Iha’n’ttookhimupyet。
No，no，——theterm，——Isaid，——theterm。Don’tcallhimsoanymore，ifyouplease。CallhimLittleBoston，ifyoulike。
Allright，——saidtheyoungfellow——Iwouldn’tbehardonthepoorlittle-
Thewordheusedwasobjectionableinpointofsignificanceandofgrammar。ItwasafrequentterminationofcertainadjectivesamongtheRomans，——asofthosedesignatingapersonfollowingthesea，orgiventoruralpursuits。Itisclassedbycustomamongtheprofanewords；why，itishardtosay，——butitislargelyusedinthestreetbythosewhospeakoftheirfellowsinpityorinwrath。
Ineverheardtheyoungfellowapplythenameoftheodiouspretendedfishtothelittlemanfromthatdayforward——
Hereweare，then，atourboarding——house。First，myself，theProfessor，alittlewayfromtheheadofthetable，ontheright，lookingdown，wherethe\"Autocrat\"usedtosit。AtthefurtherendsitstheLandlady。Attheheadofthetable，justnow，theKoh-i-
noor，orthegentlemanwiththediamond。OppositemeisaVenerableGentlemanwithablandcountenance，whoasyethasspokenlittle。
TheDivinityStudentismyneighborontheright，——andfurtherdown，thatYoungFellowofwhomIhaverepeatedlyspoken。TheLandlady’sDaughtersitsneartheKoh-i-noor，asIsaid。ThePoorRelationneartheLandlady。Attherightuppercornerisafresh-lookingyouthofwhosenameandhistoryIhaveasyetlearnednothing。Nextthefurtherleft-handcorner，nearthelowerendofthetable，sitsthedeformedperson。Thechairathisside，occupyingthatcorner，isempty。Ineednotspeciallymentiontheotherboarders，withtheexceptionofBenjaminFranklin，thelandlady’sson，whositsnearhismother。Weareatolerablyassortedset，——differenceenoughandlikenessenough；butstillitseemstomethereissomethingwanting。
TheLandlady’sDaughteristheprimadonnainthewayoffeminineattractions。Iamnotquitesatisfiedwiththisyounglady。Shewearsmore\"jewelry，\"ascertainyoungladiescalltheirtrinkets，thanIcaretoseeonapersoninherposition。Hervoiceisstrident，herlaughtoomuchlikeagiggle，andshehasthatfoolishwayofdancingandbobbinglikeaquill-floatwitha\"minnum\"bitingthehookbelowit，whichoneseesandweepsoversometimesinpersonsofmorepretensions。Ican’thelphopingweshallputsomethingintothatemptychairyetwhichwilladdthemissingstringtooursocialharp。IheartalkofarareMisswhoisexpected。Somethingintheschoolgirlway，Ibelieve。Weshallsee——
MyfriendwhocallshimselfTheAutocrathasgivenmeacautionwhichIamgoingtorepeat，withmycommentuponit，forthebenefitofallconcerned。
Professor，——saidhe，oneday，——don’tyouthinkyourbrainwillrundrybeforeayear’sout，ifyoudon’tgetthepumptohelpthecow？
Letmetellyouwhathappenedtomeonce。Iputalittlemoneyintoabank，andboughtacheck-book，sothatImightdrawitasIwanted，insumstosuit。Thingswentonnicelyforatime；scratchingwithapenwasaseasyasrubbingAladdin’sLamp；andmyblankcheck-bookseemedtobeadictionaryofpossibilities，inwhichIcouldfindallthesynonymesofhappiness，andrealizeanyoneofthemonthespot。
Acheckcamebacktomeatlastwiththesetwowordsonit，——NO
FUNDS。Mycheck-bookwasavolumeofwaste-paper。
Now，Professor，——saidhe，——Ihavedrawnsomethingoutofyourbank，youknow；andjustsosureasyoukeepdrawingoutyoursoul’scurrencywithoutmakingnewdeposits，thenextthingwillbe，NO
FUNDS，——andthenwherewillyoube，myboy？Theselittlebitsofpapermeanyourgoldandyoursilverandyourcopper，Professor；andyouwillcertainlybreakupandgotopieces，ifyoudon’tholdontoyourmetallicbasis。
Thereissomethinginthat，——saidI——OnlyIratherthinklifecancointhoughtsomewhatfasterthanIcancountitoffinwords。WhatifoneshallgoroundanddryupwithsoftnapkinsallthedewthatfallsofaJuneeveningontheleavesofhisgarden？Shalltherebenomoredewonthoseleavesthereafter？Marry，yea，——manydrops，largeandroundandfullofmoonlightasthosethoushalthaveabsterged！
HereamI，theProfessor，——amanwhohaslivedlongenoughtohavepluckedtheflowersoflifeandcometotheberries，——whicharenotalwayssad-colored，butsometimesgolden-huedasthecrocusofApril，orrosy-cheekedasthedamaskofJune；amanwhostaggeredagainstbooksasababy，andwilltotteragainstthem，ifhelivestodecrepitude；withabrainfulloftinglingthoughts，suchastheyare，asalimbwhichwecall\"asleep，\"becauseitissoparticulyawake，isofprickingpoints；presentingakey-boardofnerve-pulps，notasyettannedorossified，tofinger-touchofalloutwardagencies；knowingnothingofthefilmythreadsofthisweboflifeinwhichweinsectsbuzzawhile，waitingforthegrayoldspidertocomealong；contentedenoughwithdailyrealities，buttwirlingonhisfingerthekeyofaprivateBedlamofideals；inknowledgefeedingwiththefoxoftenerthanwiththestork，——lovingbetterthebreadthofafertilizinginundationthanthedepthofnarrowartesianwell；
findingnothingtoosmallforhiscontemplationinthemarkingsofthegrammatophorasubtilissima，andnothingtoolargeinthemovementofthesolarsystemtowardsthestarLambdaoftheconstellationHercules；——andthequestionis，whetherthereisanythingleftforme，theProfessor，tosuckoutofcreation，aftermylivelyfriendhashadhisstrawinthebung-holeoftheUniverse！
Aman’smentalreactionswiththeatmosphereoflifemustgoon，whetherhewillorno，asbetweenhisbloodandtheairhebreathes。
Astocatchingtheresiduumoftheprocess，orwhatwecallthought，——
thegaseousashesofburned-outthinking，——theexcretionofmentalrespiration，——thatwilldependonmanythings，as，onhavingafavorableintellectualtemperatureaboutone，andafittingreceptacle——Isowmorethought-seedsintwenty-fourhours’traveloverthedesert-sandalongwhichmylonelyconsciousnesspacesdayandnight，thanIshallthrowintosoilwhereitwillgerminate，inayear。Allsortsofbodilyandmentalperturbationscomebetweenusandthedueprojectionofourthought。Thepulse-like\"fitsofeasyanddifficulttransmission\"seemtoreacheventhetransparentmediumthroughwhichoursoulsareseen。Weknowourhumanitybyitsofteninterceptedrays，aswetellarevolvinglightfromastarormeteorbyitsconstantlyrecurringobscuration。
Anillustriousscholaroncetoldme，that，inthefirstlectureheeverdelivered，hespokebuthalfhisallottedtime，andfeltasifhehadtoldallheknew。Brahamcameforwardoncetosingoneofhismostfamousandfamiliarsongs，andforhislifecouldnotrecallthefirstlineofit；——hetoldhismishaptotheaudience，andtheyscreameditathiminachorusofathousandvoices。Miltoncouldnotwritetosuithimself，exceptfromtheautumnaltothevernalequinox。Oneintheclothing-business，who，thereisreasontosuspect，mayhaveinherited，bydescent，thegreatpoet’simpressibletemperament，letacustomerslipthroughhisfingersonedaywithoutfittinghimwithanewgarment。\"Ah！\"saidhetoafriendofmine，whowasstandingby，\"ifithadn’tbeenforthatconfoundedheadacheofminethismorning，I’dhavehadacoatonthatman，inspiteofhimself，beforeheleft-thestore。\"Apassingthrob，only，——butitderangedthenicemechanismrequiredtopersuadetheaccidentalhumanbeing，X，intoagivenpieceofbroadcloth，A。
Wemusttakecarenottoconfoundthisfrequentdifficultyoftransmissionofourideaswithwantofideas。Isupposethataman’sminddoesintimeformaneutralsaltwiththeelementsintheuniverseforwhichithasspecialelectiveaffinities。Infact，I
lookuponalibraryasakindofmentalchemist’sshopfilledwiththecrystalsofallformsandhueswhichhavecomefromtheunionofindividualthoughtwithlocalcircumstancesoruniversalprinciples。
Whenamanhasworkedouthisspecialaffinitiesinthisway，thereisanendofhisgeniusasarealsolvent。Nomoreeffervescenceandhissingtumult——ashepourshissharpthoughtontheworld’sbitingalkalineunbeliefs！Nomorecorrosionoftheoldmonumentaltabletscoveredwithlies！Nomoretakingupofdullearths，andturningthem，firstintoclearsolutions，andthenintolustrousprisms！
I，theProfessor，amverymuchlikeothermen:IshallnotfindoutwhenIhaveusedupmyaffinities。Whatablessedthingitis，thatNature，whensheinvented，manufactured，andpatentedherauthors，contrivedtomakecriticsoutofthechipsthatwereleft！Painfulasthetaskis，theyneverfailtowarntheauthor，inthemostimpressivemanner，oftheprobabilitiesoffailureinwhathehasundertaken。Sadasthenecessityistotheirdelicatesensibilities，theyneverhesitatetoadvertisehimofthedeclineofhispowers，andtopressuponhimtheproprietyofretiringbeforehesinksintoimbecility。Trustingtotheirkindoffices，Ishallendeavortofulfil——
Bridgetentersandbeginsclearingthetable——
ThefollowingpoemismyTheProfessor’sonlycontributiontothegreatdepartmentofOcean-Cableliterature。AsallthepoetsofthiscountrywillbeengagedforthenextsixweeksinwritingforthepremiumofferedbytheCrystal-PalaceCompanyfortheBurnsCentenary，socalled，accordingtoourBenjaminFranklin，becausetherewillbenaryacentforanyofus，poetrywillbeveryscarceanddear。Consumersmay，consequently，begladtotakethepresentarticle，which，bytheaidofaLatintutor——andaProfessorofChemistry，willbefoundintelligibletotheeducatedclasses。
DESAUTY
ANELECTRO-CHEMICALECLOGUE。
Professor。Blue-Nose。
PROFESSOR。
Tellme，OProvincial！speak，Ceruleo-Nasal！
LivesthereoneDeSautyextantnowamongyon，WhisperingBoanerges，sonofsilentthunder，Holdingtalkwithnations？
IsthereaDeSauty，ambulantonTellus，Bifid-cleftlikemortals，dormientinnight-cap，Havingsight，smell，hearing，food-receivingfeatureThreetimesdailypatent？
Breathestheresuchabeing，OCeruleo-Nasal？
Orisheamythus，——ancientwordfor\"humbug，\"——
SuchasLivytoldaboutthewolfthatwet-nursedRomulusandRemus？
Washebornofwoman，thisallegedDeSauty？
Oralivingproductofgalvanicaction，LikethestatusbredinCrossesflint-solution？
Speak，thouCyano-Rhinal！
BLUE-NOSE。
Manythingsthouaskest，jackknife-bearingstranger，Much-conjecturingmortal，pork-and-treacle-waster！
Pretermitthywhittling，wheelthineear-flaptowardme，Thoushalthearthemanswered。
Whenthechargegalvanictingledthroughthecable，AtthepolarfocusofthewireelectricSuddenlyappearedawhite-facedmanamongusCalledhimself\"DESAUTY。\"
AsthesmallopossumheldinpouchmaternalGraspsthenutrientorganwhencethetermmammalia，Sotheunknownstrangerheldthewireelectric，Suckinginthecurrent。
Whenthecurrentstrengthened，bloomedthepale-facedstranger，Tooknodrinknorvictual，yetgrewfatandrosy，Andfromtimetotime，insharparticulation，Said，\"Allright！DESAUTY。\"
>Fromthelonelystationpassedtheutterance，spreadingThroughthepinesandhemlockstothegrovesofsteeplesTillthelandwasfilledwithloudreverberationsOf\"Allright！DESAUTY。\"
Whenthecurrentslackened，droopedthemysticstranger，Faded，faded，faded，asthestreamgrewweaker，Wastedtoashadow，withahartshornodorOfdisintegration。
Dropsofdeliquescenceglistenedonhisforehead，Whitenedroundhisfeetthedustofefflorescence，TilloneMondaymorning，whentheflowsuspended，TherewasnoDeSauty。
Nothingbutacloudofelementsorganic，C。O。H。N。Ferrum，Chor。Flu。Sil。Potassa，Calc。Sod。Phosph。Mag。Sulphur，Mang。？Alumin。？Cuprum，？
Suchasmanismadeof。
Bornofstreamgalvanic，withitbehadperished！
ThereisnoDeSautynowthereisnocurrent！
Giveusanewcable，thenagainwe’llhearhimCry，\"Allright！DESAUTY。\"
II
Backagain！——Aturtle——whichmeansatortoise——isfondofhisshell；
butifyouputalivecoalonhisback，hecrawlsoutofit。Sotheboyssay。
Itisalibelontheturtle。Hegrowstohisshell，andhisshellisinhisbodyasmuchashisbodyisinhisshell——Idon’tthinkthereisoneofourboardersquitesotestudineousasIam。Nothingbutacombinationofmotives，moreperemptorythanthecoalontheturtle’sback，couldhavegotmetoleavetheshelterofmycarapace；
andaftermemorableinterviews，andkindesthospitalities，andgrandsights，andhugeinfluxofpatrioticpride，——foreveryAmericanownsallAmerica，——
\"Creation’sheir，——theworld，theworldis\"
his，ifanybody’s，——Icomebackwiththefeelingwhichabonedturkeymightexperience，if，retaininghisconsciousness，hewereallowedtoresumehisskeleton。
Welcome，OFightingGladiator，andRecumbentCleopatra，andDyingWarrior，whoseclassicoutlinesreproducedinthecalcinedmineralofLutetiacrownmyloadedshelves！Welcome，yetriumphsofpictorialartrepeatedbythemagicgraverthatlookdownuponmefromthewallsofmysacredcell！Vesalius，asTitiandrewhim，high-fronted，still-eyed，thick-bearded，withsignet-ring，asbeseemsagentleman，withbookandcarelessly-heldeyeglass，markinghimascholar；thou，too，JanKuyper，commonlycalledJanPraktiseer，oldmanofacenturyandsevenyearsbesides，fatheroftwentysonsandtwodaughters，cutincopperbyHoubraken，boughtfromaportfolioononeoftheParisquais；andyeThreeTreesofRembrandt，blackinshadowagainsttheblazeoflight；andthouRosyCottagerofSirJoshua，roseshintedbythepepperyburinofBartolozzi；ye，too，oflowergradesinnature，yetnotunlovelyforunrenowned，YoungBullofPaulusPotter，andsleepingCatofCorneliusVisscher；welcomeoncemoretomyeyes！Theoldbookslookoutfromtheshelves，andI
seemtoreadontheirbackssomethingasidestheirtitles，——akindofsolemngreeting。Thecrimsoncarpetflusheswarmundermyfeet。Thearm-chairhugsme；theswivel-chairspinsroundwithme，asifitweregiddywithpleasure；thevastrecumbentfauteuilstretchesitselfoutundermyweight，asonejoyouswithfoodandwinestretchesinafter-dinnerlaughter。
Theboarderswerepleasedtosaythattheyweregladtogetmeback。
Oneofthemventuredacompliment，namely，——thatItalkedasifI
believedwhatIsaid——Thiswasapparentlyconsideredsomethingunusual，byitsbeingmentioned。
Onewhomeanstotalkwithentiresincerity，——Isaid，——alwaysfeelshimselfindangeroftwothings，namely，——anaffectationofbluntness，likethatofwhichCornwallaccusesKentin\"Lear，\"andactualrudeness。Whatamanwantstodo，intalkingwithastranger，istogetandtogiveasmuchofthebestandmostreallifethatbelongstothetwotalkersasthetimewilllethim。Lifeisshort，andconversationapttoruntomerewords。Mr。HueIthinkitis，whotellsussomeverygoodstoriesaboutthewayinwhichtwoChinesegentlemencontrivetokeepupalongtalkwithoutsayingawordwhichhasanymeaninginit。SomethinglikethisisoccasionallyheardonthissideoftheGreatWall。ThebestChinesetalkersIknowaresomeprettywomenwhomImeetfromtimetotime。
Pleasant，airy，complimentary，thelittleflakesofflatteryglimmeringintheirtalklikethebitsofgold-leafineau-de-viedeDantzic；theiraccentsflowingoninasoftripple，——neverawave，andneveracalm；wordsnicelyfitted，butneveracoloredphraseorahighly-flavoredepithet；theyturnairintosyllablessogracefully，thatwefindmeaningforthemusictheymakeaswefindfacesinthecoalsandfairypalacesintheclouds。Thereissomethingveryodd，though，aboutthismechanicaltalk。
Youhavesometimesbeeninatrainontherailroadwhentheenginewasdetachedalongwayfromthestationyouwereapproaching？Well，youhavenoticedhowquietlyandrapidlythecarskepton，justasifthelocomotiveweredrawingthem？Indeed，youwouldnothavesuspectedthatyouweretravellingonthestrengthofadeadfact，ifyouhadnotseentheenginerunningawayfromyouonaside-track。
Uponmyconscience，Ibelievesomeoftheseprettywomendetachtheirmindsentirely，sometimes，fromtheirtalk，——and，whatismore，thatweneverknowthedifference。Theirlipsletofftheflutysyllablesjustastheirfingerswouldsprinklethemusic-dropsfromtheirpianos；unconscioushabitturnsthephraseofthoughtintowordsjustasitdoesthatofmusicintonotes——Well，theygoverntheworldforallthat，thesesweet-lippedwomen，——becausebeautyistheindexofalargerfactthanwisdom——
TheBombazinewantedanexplanation。
Madam，——saidI，——wisdomistheabstractofthepast，butbeautyisthepromiseofthefuture——
Allthis，however，isnotwhatIwasgoingtosay。HereamI，suppose，seated——wewillsayatadinner-table——alongsideofanintelligentEnglishman。Welookineachother’sfaces，——weexchangeadozenwords。Onethingissettled:wemeannottooffendeachother，——tobeperfectlycourteous，——morethancourteous；forwearetheentertainerandtheentertained，andcherishparticularlyamiablefeelings，toeachother。Theclaretisgood；andifourbloodreddensalittlewithitswarmcrimson，wearenonethelesskindforit。
Idon’tthinkpeoplethattalkovertheirvictualsareliketosayanythingverygreat，especiallyiftheygettheirheadsmuddledwithstrongdrinkbeforetheybeginjabberin’。
TheBombazineutteredthiswithasugarysourness，asifthewordshadbeensteepedinasolutionofacetateoflead——Theboysofmytimeusedtocallahitlikethisa\"side-winder。\"——
Imustfinishthiswoman——
Madam，——Isaid，——theGreatTeacherseemstohavebeenfondoftalkingashesatatmeat。Becausethiswasagoodwhileago，inafar-offplace，youforgetwhatthetruefactofitwas，——thatthosewererealdinners，wherepeoplewerehungryandthirsty，andwhereyoumetaverymiscellaneouscompany。Probablytherewasagreatdealofloosetalkamongtheguests；atanyrate，therewasalwayswine，wemaybelieve。
Whatevermaybethehygienicadvantagesordisadvantagesofwine，——
andIforone，exceptforcertainparticularends，believeinwater，and，Iblushtosayit，inblacktea，——thereisnodoubtaboutitsbeingthegrandspecificagainstdulldinners。Ascoreofpeoplecometogetherinallmoodsofmindandbody。Theproblemis，inthespaceofonehour，moreorless，tobringthemallintothesameconditionofslightlyexaltedlife。Foodaloneisenoughforoneperson，perhaps，——talk，alone，foranother；butthegrandequalizerandfraternizer，whichworksuptheradiatorstotheirmaximumradiation，andtheabsorbentstotheirmaximumreceptivity，isnowjustwhereitwaswhenTheconsciouswatersawitsLordandblushed，——whensixgreatvesselscontainingwater，thewholeamountingtomorethanahogshead-full，werechangedintothebestofwine。I
oncewroteasongaboutwine，inwhichIspokesowarmlyofit，thatIwasafraidsomewouldthinkitwaswritteninterpocula；whereasitwascomposedinthebosomofmyfamily，underthemosttranquillizingdomesticinfluences——
Thedivinity-studentturnedtowardsme，lookingmischievous——Canyoutellme，——hesaid，——whowroteasongforatemperancecelebrationonce，ofwhichthefollowingisaverse？
Alasforthelovedone，toogentleandfairThejoysofthebanquettochastenandshare！
Hereyelostitslightthathisgobletmightshine，Andtheroseofhercheekwasdissolvedinhiswine！
Idid，——Ianswered——Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit？——IwilltellyouanotherlineIwrotelongago:——
Don’tbe\"consistent，\"——butbesimplytrue。
ThelongerIlive，themoreIamsatisfiedoftwothings:first，thatthetruestlivesarethosethatarecutrose-diamond-fashion，withmanyfacetsansweringtothemany-planedaspectsoftheworldaboutthem；secondly，thatsocietyisalwaystryinginsomewayorothertogrindusdowntoasingleflatsurface。Itishardworktoresistthisgrinding-downaction——Nowgivemeachance。Bettereternalanduniversalabstinencethanthebrutalitiesofthosedaysthatmadewivesandmothersanddaughtersandsistersblushforthosewhomtheyshouldhavehonored，astheycamereelinghomefromtheirdebauches！
Yetbetterevenexcessthanlyingandhypocrisy；andifwineisuponallourtables，letuspraiseitforitscolorandfragranceandsocialtendency，sofarasitdeserves，andnothugabottleintheclosetandpretendnottoknowtheuseofawine-glassatapublicdinner！Ithinkyouwillfindthatpeoplewhohonestlymeantobetruereallycontradictthemselvesmuchmorerarelythanthosewhotrytobe\"consistent。\"Butagreatmanythingswesaycanbemadetoappearcontradictory，simplybecausetheyarepartialviewsofatruth，andmayoftenlookunlikeatfirst，asafrontviewofafaceanditsprofileoftendo。
Hereisadistinguisheddivine，forwhomIhavegreatrespect，forI
owehimacharminghouratoneofourliteraryanniversaries，andhehasoftenspokennoblewords；butheholdsuparemarkofmyfriendthe\"Autocrat，\"——whichIgrievetosayhetwicemisquotes，byomittingtheverywordwhichgivesititssignificance，——thewordfluid，intendedtotypifythemobilityoftherestrictedwill，——holdsitup，Isay，asifitattackedtherealityoftheself-determiningprinciple，insteadofillustratingitslimitationsbyanimage。NowIwillnotexplainanyfarther，stilllessdefend，andleastofallattack，butsimplyquoteafewlinesfromoneofmyfriend’spoems，printedmorethantenyearsago，andaskthedistinguishedgentlemanwherehehaseverassertedmorestronglyorabsolutelytheindependentwillofthe\"subcreativecentre，\"asmyhereticalfriendhaselsewherecalledman——
Thought，conscience，will，tomakethemallthyownHerentapillarfromtheeternalthrone！——
MadeinHisimage，thoumustnoblydareThethornycrownofsovereigntytoshare——
Thinknottoomeanlyofthylowestate；
Thouhastachoice；tochooseistocreate！