Thereaderofto-daywillnotforget,Itrust,thatitisnearlyaquarterofacenturysincethesepaperswerewritten。Statementswhichweretruethenarenotnecessarilytruenow。Thus,thespeedofthetrottinghorsehasbeensomuchdevelopedthattherecordoftheyearwhenthefastesttimetothatdatewasgivenmustbeveryconsiderablyaltered,asmaybeseenbyreferringtoanoteonpage49ofthe\"Autocrat。\"NodoubtmanyotherstatementsandopinionsmightbemoreorlessmodifiedifIwerewritingtodayinsteadofhavingwrittenbeforethewar,whentheworldandIwerebothmorethanascoreofyearsyounger。
Thesepapersfollowedcloseuponthetrackofthe\"Autocrat。\"Theyhadtoendurethetrialtowhichallsecondcomersaresubjected,whichisaformidableordealfortheleastaswellasthegreatest。
ParadiseRegainedandtheSecondPartofFaustareexampleswhichareenoughtowarneveryonewhohasmadeajinglefairhitwithhisarrowofthedangerofmissingwhenhelooses\"hisfellowoftheselfsameflight。\"
Thereisgoodreasonwhyitshouldbeso。Thefirstjuicethatrunsofitselffromthegrapescomesfromtheheartofthefruit,andtastesofthepulponly;whenthegrapesaresqueezedinthepresstheflowbetraystheflavoroftheskin。Ifthereisanyfreshnessintheoriginalideaofthework,ifthereisanyindividualityinthemethodorstyleofanewauthor,orofanoldauthoronanewtrack,itwillhavelostmuchofitsfirsteffectwhenrepeated。
Still,therehavenotbeenwantingreaderswhohavepreferredthissecondseriesofpaperstothefirst。Thenewpapersweremoreaggressivethantheearlierones,andforthatreasonfoundaheartierwelcomeinsomequarters,andmetwithasharperantagonisminothers。Itamusesmetolookbackonsomeoftheattackstheycalledforth。Opinionswhichdonotexcitethefaintestshowoftemperatthistimefromthosewhodonotacceptthemweretreatedasiftheyweretheutterancesofanihilistincendiary。Itrequiredtheexerciseofsomeforbearancenottorecriminate。
Howastraysentence,apopularsaying,themaximofsomewiseman,alineaccidentallyfallenuponandremembered,willsometimeshelponewhenheisallreadytobevexedorindignant!Oneday,inthetimewhenIwasyoungoryoungish,Ihappenedtoopenasmallcopyof\"TomJones,\"andglanceatthetitle-page。Therewasoneofthoselittleengravingsopposite,whichborethefamiliarnameof\"T。Uwins,\"asI
rememberit,andunderitthewords\"Mr。Partridgeboreallthispatiently。\"Howmanytimes,when,afterroughusagefromill-manneredcritics,myownvocabularyofvituperationwassimmeringinsuchalivelywaythatitthreatenedtoboilandliftitslidandsoboilover,thosewordshavecalmedthesmallinternaleffervescence!Thereisverylittleinthemandverylittleofthem;
andsothereisnotmuchinalinchpinconsideredbyitself,butitoftenkeepsawheelfromcomingoffandpreventswhatmightbeacatastrophe。Thechieftroubleinofferingsuchpapersasthesetothereadersofto-dayisthattheirheresieshavebecomesofamiliaramongintelligentpeoplethattheyhavetoocommonplaceanaspect。
Allthelighthousesandland-marksofbeliefbearsodifferentlyfromthewayinwhichtheypresentedthemselveswhenthesepaperswerewrittenthatitishardtorecognizethatweandourfellow-
passengersarestillinthesameoldvesselsailingthesameunfathomableseaandboundtothesameasyetunseenharbor。
Butafterall,thereisnotenoughtheology,goodorbad,inthesepaperstocausethemtobeinscribedontheProtestantIndexExpurgatorius;andiftheyaremedicatedwithafewquestionabledogmasorantidogmas,thepublichasbecomeusedtosomuchroughertreatments,thatwhatwasonceanirritantmaynowactasananodyne,andthereadermaynodoverpageswhich,whentheywerefirstwritten,wouldhavewakedhimintoaparoxysmofprotestanddenunciation。
November,1882。
PREFACETOTHENEWEDITION
Thisbookisoneofthosewhich,ifitlivesforanumberofdecades,andifitrequiresanyPrefaceatall,wantsanewoneeverytenyears。ThefirstPrefacetoabookisapttobeexplanatory,perhapsapologetic,intheexpectationofattacksfromvariousquarters。Ifthebookisinsomepointsinadvanceofpublicopinion,itisnaturalthatthewritershouldtrytosmooththewaytothereceptionofhismoreorlessaggressiveideas。Hewishestoconvince,nottooffend,——toobtainahearingforhisthought,nottostirupangryoppositioninthosewhodonotacceptit。ThereiscommonlyananxiouslookaboutafirstPreface。Theauthorthinksheshallbemisapprehendedaboutthisorthatmatter,thathiswell-meantexpressionswillprobablybeinvidiouslyinterpretedbythosewhomhelooksuponasprejudicedcritics,andifhedealswithlivingquestionsthathewillbeattackedasadestructivebytheconservativesandreproachedforhistimiditybythenoisierradicals。ThefirstPreface,therefore,islikelytobetheweakestpartofaworkcontainingthethoughtsofanhonestwriter。
Afteratimethewriterhascooleddownfromhisexcitement,——hasgotoverhisapprehensions,ispleasedtofindthathisbookisstillread,andthathemustwriteanewPreface。Hecomessmilingtohistask。Howmanythingshaveexplainedthemselvesinthetenortwentyorthirtyyearssincehecamebeforehisuntriedpublicinthosealmostplaintiveparagraphsinwhichheintroducedhimselftohisreaders,——forthePrefacewriter,nomatterhowfierceacombatanthemayprove,comesontothestagewithhisshieldonhisrightarmandhisswordinhislefthand。
TheProfessorattheBreakfast-Tablecameoutinthe\"AtlanticMonthly\"andintroduceditselfwithoutanyformalPreface。AquarterofacenturylaterthePrefaceof1882,whichthereaderhasjusthadlaidbeforehim,waswritten。Thereisnomarkofworry,Ithink,inthat。Oldopponentshadcomeupandshakenhandswiththeauthortheyhadattackedordenounced。Newspaperswhichhadwarnedtheirsubscribersagainsthimweregladtogethimasacontributortotheircolumns。Agreatchangehadcomeoverthecommunitywithreferencetotheirbeliefs。Christianbelieverswereunitedasneverbeforeinthefeelingthat,afterall,theircommonobjectwastoelevatethemoralandreligiousstandardofhumanity。ButwithinthespecialcompartmentsofthegreatChristianfoldthemarksofdivisionhavepronouncedthemselvesinthemostunmistakablemanner。
Asanexamplewemaytakethelinesofcleavagewhichhaveshownthemselvesinthetwogreatchurches,theCongregationalandthePresbyterian,andtheverydistinctfissurewhichismanifestinthetransplantedAnglicanchurchofthiscountry。Recentcircumstanceshavebroughtoutthefactofthegreatchangeinthedogmaticcommunitieswhichhasbeengoingonsilentlybutsurely。Thelicensingofamissionary,thetransferofaProfessorfromonedepartmenttoanother,theelectionofaBishop,——eachofthesemovementsfurnishesevidencethatthereisnosuchthingasanair-
tightreservoirofdoctrinalfinalities。
Thefolding-doorsarewideopentoeveryProtestanttoenteralltheprivilegedprecinctsandprivateapartmentsofthevariousexclusivereligiousorganizations。Wemaydemandthecredentialsofeverycreedandcatechiseallthecatechisms。Sowemaydiscussthegravestquestionsunblamedoverourmorningcoffee-cupsoroureveningtea-cups。ThereisnorestfortheProtestantuntilhegivesuphislegendaryanthropologyandallitsdogmaticdependencies。
Itisonlyincidentally,however,thattheProfessorattheBreakfast-Tablehandlesmatterswhicharethesubjectsofreligiouscontroversy。Thereaderwhoissensitiveabouthavinghisfixedbeliefsdealtwithasiftheywereopentoquestionhadbetterskipthepageswhichlookasiftheywoulddisturbhiscomplacency。
\"Faith\"isthemostpreciousofpossessions,anditdislikesbeingmeddledwith。Itmeans,ofcourse,self-trust,——thatis,abeliefinthevalueofour,ownopinionofadoctrine,ofachurch,ofareligion,ofaBeing,abeliefquiteindependentofanyevidencethatwecanbringtoconvinceajuryofourfellowbeings。Itsrootsarethusinextricablyentangledwiththoseofself-loveandbleedasmandrakesweresaidto,whenpulledupasweeds。Somepersonsmayevenatthislatedaytakeoffenceatafewopinionsexpressedinthefollowingpages,butmostofthesepassageswillbereadwithoutlossoftemperbythosewhodisagreewiththem,andby-and-bytheymaybefoundtootimidandconservativeforintelligentreaders,iftheyarestillreadbyany。
BEVERLYFARM,MASS。,June18,1891。
O。W。H。
THEPROFESSOR
ATTHE
BREAKFAST-TABLE。
Whathesaid,whatheheard,andwhathesaw。
I
Iintendedtohavesignalizedmyfirstappearancebyacertainlargestatement,whichIflattermyselfisthenearestapproachtoauniversalformula,oflifeyetpromulgatedatthisbreakfast-table。
Itwouldhavehadagrandeffect。ForthispurposeIfixedmyeyesonacertaindivinity-student,withtheintentionofexchangingafewphrases,andthenforcingmycourt-card,namely,Thegreatendofbeing——Iwillthankyouforthesugar,——Isaid——Manisadependentcreature。
Itisasmallfavortoask,——saidthedivinity-student,——andpassedthesugartome——
Lifeisagreatbundleoflittlethings,——Isaid。
Thedivinity-studentsmiled,asifthatweretheconcludingepigramofthesugarquestion。
Yousmile,——Isaid——Perhapslifeseemstoyoualittlebundleofgreatthings?
Thedivinity-studentstartedalaugh,butsuddenlyreineditbackwithapull,asonethrowsahorseonhishaunches——Lifeisagreatbundleofgreatthings,——hesaid。
NOW,THEN!Thegreatendofbeing,afterall,is……
Holdon!——saidmyneighbor,ayoungfellowwhosenameseemstobeJohn,andnothingelse,——forthatiswhattheyallcallhim,——holdon!theSculpinisgo’n’tosaysomethin’。
NowtheSculpinCottusVirginianusisalittlewater-beastwhichpretendstoconsideritselfafish,and,underthatpretext,hangsaboutthepilesuponwhichWest-BostonBridgeisbuilt,swallowingthebaitandhookintendedforflounders。Onbeingdrawnfromthewater,itexposesanimmensehead,adiminutivebonycarcass,andasurfacesofullofspines,ridges,ruffles,andfrills,thatthenaturalistshavenotbeenabletocountthemwithoutquarrellingaboutthenumber,andthatthecoloredyouth,whosesporttheyspoil,donotliketotouchthem,andespeciallytotreadonthem,unlesstheyhappentohaveshoeson,tocoverthethickwhitesolesoftheirbroadblackfeet。
When,therefore,Iheardtheyoungfellow’sexclamation,Ilookedroundthetablewithcuriositytoseewhatitmeant。AtthefurtherendofitIsawahead,anda——asmallportionofalittledeformedbody,mountedonahighchair,whichbroughttheoccupantuptoafairlevelenoughforhimtogetathisfood。Hiswholeappearancewassogrotesque,IfeltforaminuteasiftherewasashowmanbehindhimwhowouldpullhimdownpresentlyandputupJudy,orthehangman,ortheDevil,orsomeotherwoodenpersonageofthefamousspectacle。Icontrivedtolosethefirstofhissentence,butwhatI
heardbeganso:——
bytheFrog-Pond,whentherewerefrogsinandthefolksusedtocomedownfromthetentsonsectionandIndependencedayswiththeirpailstogetwatertomakeegg-popwith。BorninBoston;wenttoschoolinBostonaslongastheboyswouldletme——Thelittlemangroaned,turned,asiftolookaround,andwenton——RanawayfromschoolonedaytoseePhillipshungforkillingDenegriwithalogger-head。Thatwasinflipdays,whentherewerealwaystwothreeloggerheadsinthefire。I’maBostonboy,Itellyou,——bornatNorthEnd,andmeantobeburiedonCopp’sHill,withthegoodoldundergroundpeople,——theWorthylakes,andtherestof’em。Yes,——upontheoldhill,wheretheyburiedCaptainDanielMalcolminastonegrave,tenfeetdeep,tokeephimsafefromthered-coats,inthoseoldtimeswhentheworldwasfrozenuptightandtherewasn’tbutonespotopen,andthatwasrightoverFaneuilall,——andblackenoughitlooked,Itellyou!There’swheremybonesshalllie,Sir,andrattleawaywhenthebiggunsgooffattheNavyYardopposite!Youcan’tmakemeashamedoftheoldplace!Fullcrookedlittlestreets;——Iwasbornandusedtorunroundinoneof’em——
Ishouldthinkso,——saidthatyoungmanwhomIhearthemcall\"John,\"——softly,notmeaningtobeheard,nortobecruel,butthinkinginahalf-whisper,evidently——Ishouldthinkso;andgotkinkedup,turnin’somanycorners——Thelittlemandidnothearwhatwassaid,butwenton,——
fullofcrookedlittlestreets;butItellyouBostonhasopened,andkeptopen,moreturnpikesthatleadstraighttofreethoughtandfreespeechandfreedeedsthananyothercityoflivemenordeadmen,——Idon’tcarehowbroadtheirstreetsare,norhowhightheirsteeples!——
HowhighisBostingmeet’n’-house?——saidapersonwithblackwhiskersandimperial,avelvetwaistcoat,aguard-chainrathertoomassive,andadiamondpinsoverylargethatthemosttrustingnaturemightconfessaninwardsuggestion,——ofcourse,nothingamountingtoasuspicion。Forthisisagentlemanfromagreatcity,andsitsnexttothelandlady’sdaughter,whoevidentlybelievesinhim,andistheobjectofhisespecialattention。
Howhigh?——saidthelittleman——AshighasthefirststepofthestairsthatleadtotheNewJerusalem。Isn’tthathighenough?
Itis,——Isaid——Thegreatendofbeingistoharmonizemanwiththeorderofthings,andthechurchhasbeenagoodpitch-pipe,andmaybesostill。Butwhoshalltunethepitch-pipe?Quiscus-Onthewhole,asthisquotationwasnotentirelynew,and,beinginaforeignlanguage,mightnotbefamiliartoalltheboarders,I
thoughtIwouldnotfinishit。——
GototheBible!——saidasharpvoicefromasharp-faced,sharp-
eyed,sharp-elbowed,strenuous-lookingwomaninablackdress,appearingasifitbeganasapieceofmourningandperpetuateditselfasabitofeconomy。
Youspeakwell,Madam,——Isaid;——yetthereisroomforaglossorcommentaryonwhatyousay。\"HewhowouldbringbackthewealthoftheIndiesmustcarryoutthewealthoftheIndies。\"WhatyoubringawayfromtheBibledependstosomeextentonwhatyoucarrytoit-
BenjaminFranklin!Besogoodastostepuptomychamberandbringmedownthesmalluncoveredpamphletoftwentypageswhichyouwillfindlyingunderthe\"Cruden’sConcordance。\"[Theboytookalargebite,whichleftaveryperfectcrescentinthesliceofbread-and-
butterheheld,anddepartedonhiserrand,withtheportablefractionofhisbreakfasttosustainhimontheway。]——
Hereitis。\"GototheBible。ADissertation,,etc。,etc。ByJ。
J。Flournoy。Athens,Georgia,1858。\"
Mr。Flournoy,Madam,hasobeyedthepreceptwhichyouhavejudiciouslydelivered。Youmaybeinterested,Madam,toknowwhataretheconclusionsatwhichMr。J。J。FlournoyofAthens,Georgia,hasarrived。Youshallhear,Madam。HehasgonetotheBible,andhehascomebackfromtheBible,bringingaremedyforexistingsocialevils,which,ifitistherealspecific,asitprofessestobe,isofgreatinteresttohumanity,andtothefemalepartofhumanityinparticular。ItiswhathecallsTRIGAMY,Madam,orthemarryingofthreewives,sothat\"goodoldmen\"maybesolacedatoncebythecompanionshipofthewisdomofmaturity,andofthoselessperfectedbuthardlylessengagingqualitieswhicharefoundatanearlierperiodoflife。Hehasfollowedyourprecept,Madam;I
hopeyouaccepthisconclusions。
Thefemaleboarderinblackattirelookedsopuzzled,and,infact,\"allabroad,\"afterthedeliveryofthis\"counter\"ofmine,thatI
lefthertorecoverherwits,andwentonwiththeconversation,whichIwasbeginningtogetprettywellinhand。
ButinthemeantimeIkeptmyeyeonthefemaleboardertoseewhateffectIhadproduced。First,shewasalittlestunnedathavingherargumentknockedover。Secondly,shewasalittleshockedatthetremendouscharacterofthetriplematrimonialsuggestion。Thirdly——
Idon’tliketosaywhatIthought。Somethingseemedtohavepleasedherfancy。Whetheritwas,that,iftrigamyshouldcomeintofashion,therewouldbethreetimesasmanychancestoenjoytheluxuryofsaying,\"No!\"ismorethanI,cantellyou。ImayaswellmentionthatB。F。cametomeafterbreakfasttoborrowthepamphletfor\"alady,\"——oneoftheboarders,hesaid,——lookingasifhehadasecrethewishedtoberelievedof——
Icontinued——Ifahumansoulisnecessarilytobetrainedupinthefaithofthosefromwhomitinheritsitsbody,why,thereistheendofallreason。If,soonerorlater,everysoulistolookfortruthwithitsowneyes,thefirstthingistorecognizethatnopresumptioninfavorofanyparticularbeliefarisesfromthefactofourinheritingit。OtherwiseyouwouldnotgivetheMahometanafairchancetobecomeaconverttoabetterreligion。
Thesecondthingwouldbetodepolarizeeveryfixedreligiousideainthemindbychangingthewordwhichstandsforit——
Idon’tknowwhatyoumeanby\"depolarizing\"anidea,——saidthedivinity-student。
Iwilltellyou,——Isaid——Whenagivensymbolwhichrepresentsathoughthaslainforacertainlengthoftimeinthemind,itundergoesachangelikethatwhichrestinacertainpositiongivestoiron。Itbecomesmagneticinitsrelations,——itistraversedbystrangeforceswhichdidnotbelongtoit。Theword,andconsequentlytheideaitrepresents,ispolarized。
Thereligiouscurrencyofmankind,inthought,inspeech,andinprint,consistsentirelyofpolarizedwords。Borrowoneofthesefromanotherlanguageandreligion,andyouwillfinditleavesallitsmagnetismbehindit。Takethatfamousword,O’m,oftheHindoomythology。Evenapriestcannotpronounceitwithoutsin;andaholyPunditwouldshuthisearsandrunawayfromyouinhorror,ifyoushouldsayitaloud。WhatdoyoucareforO’m?IfyouwantedtogetthePundittolookathisreligionfairly,youmustfirstdepolarizethisandallsimilarwordsforhim。TheargumentforandagainstnewtranslationsoftheBiblereallyturnsonthis。Skepticismisafraidtotrustitstruthsindepolarizedwords,andsocriesoutagainstanewtranslation。Ithink,myself,ifeveryideaourBookcontainscouldbeshelledoutofitsoldsymbolandputintoanew,clean,unmagneticword,weshouldhavesomechanceofreadingitasphilosophers,orwisdom-lovers,oughttoreadit,——whichwedonotandcannotnowanymorethanaHindoocanreadthe\"Gayatri\"asafairmanandloveroftruthshoulddo。WhensocietyhasoncefairlydissolvedtheNewTestament,whichitneverhasdoneyet,itwillperhapscrystallizeitoveragaininnewformsoflanguage。
Ididn’tknowyouwasasettledministeroverthisparish,——saidtheyoungfellownearme。
Asermonbyalay-preachermaybeworthlistening——Ireplied,calmly——
Itgivestheparallaxofthoughtandfeelingastheyappeartotheobserversfromtwoverydifferentpointsofview。Ifyouwishtogetthedistanceofaheavenlybody,youknowthatyoumusttaketwoobservationsfromremotepointsoftheearth’sorbit,——inmidsummerandmidwinter,forinstance。Togettheparallaxofheavenlytruths,youmusttakeanobservationfromthepositionofthelaityaswellasoftheclergy。Teachersandstudentsoftheologygetacertainlook,certainconventionaltonesofvoice,aclericalgait,aprofessionalneckcloth,andhabitsofmindasprofessionalastheirexternals。TheyarescholarlymenandreadBacon,andknowwellenoughwhatthe\"idolsofthetribe\"are。Ofcoursetheyhavetheirfalsegods,asallmenthatfollowoneexclusivecallingarepronetodo——Theclergyhaveplayedthepartoftheflywheelinourmoderncivilization。Theyhaveneversufferedittostop。Theyhaveoftencarriedonitsmovement,whenothermovingpowersfailed,bythemomentumstoredintheirvastbody。Sometimes,too,theyhavekeptitbackbytheirvisinertia,whenitswheelswereliketogrindthebonesofsomeoldcanonizederrorintofertilizersforthesoilthatyieldsthebreadoflife。Butthemainspringoftheworld’sonwardreligiousmovementisnotinthem,norinanyonebodyofmen,letmetellyou。Itisthepeoplethatmakestheclergy,andnottheclergythatmakesthepeople。Ofcourse,theprofessionreactsonitssourcewithvariableenergy——Butthereneverwasaguildofdealersoracompanyofcraftsmenthatdidnotneedsharplookingafter。
Ouroldfriend,Dr。Holyoke,whomwegavethedinnertosometimesince,musthaveknownmanypeoplethatsawthegreatbonfireinHarvardCollegeyard——
Bonfire?——shriekedthelittleman——ThebonfirewhenRobertCalef’sbookwasburned?
Thesame,——Isaid,——whenRobertCaleftheBostonmerchant’sbookwasburnedintheyardofHarvardCollege,byorderofIncreaseMather,PresidentoftheCollegeandMinisteroftheGospel。Youremembertheoldwitchcraftrevivalof’92,andhowstoutMasterRobertCalef,traderofBoston,hadtheplucktotelltheministersandjudgeswhatasetoffoolsandworsethanfoolstheywere-
Rememberit?——saidthelittleman——Idon’tthinkIshallforgetit,aslongasIcanstretchthisforefingertopointwith,andseewhatitwears。Therewasaringonit。
MayIlookatit?——Isaid。
Whereitis,——saidthelittleman;——itwillnevercomeoff,tillitfallsofffromtheboneinthedarknessandinthedust。
Hepushedthehighchaironwhichhesatslightlybackfromthetable,anddroppedhimself,standing,tothefloor,——hisheadbeingonlyalittleabovethelevelofthetable,ashestood。Withpainandlabor,liftingonefootovertheother,asadrummerhandleshissticks,hetookafewstepsfromhisplace,——hismotionsandthedeadbeatofthemisshapenbootsannouncingtomypractisedeyeandearthemalformationwhichiscalledinlearnedlanguagetalipesvarus,orinvertedclub-foot。
Stop!stop!——Isaid,——letmecometoyou。
Thelittlemanhobbledback,andliftedhimselfbytheleftarm,withaneaseapproachingtogracewhichsurprisedme,intohishighchair。
Iwalkedtohisside,andhestretchedouttheforefingerofhisrighthand,withtheringuponit。Theringhadbeenputonlongago,andcouldnotpassthemisshapenjoint。Itwasoneofthosefuneralringswhichusedtobegiventorelativesandfriendsafterthedeceaseofpersonsofanynoteorimportance。Beneatharoundfitofglasswasadeath’shead。Engravedononesideofthis,\"L。
B。AEt。22,\"——ontheother,\"Ob。1692
Mygrandmother’sgrandmother,——saidthelittleman——Hangedforawitch。Itdoesn’tseemagreatwhileago。Iknewmygrandmother,andlovedher。HermotherwasdaughtertothewitchthatChiefJusticeSewallhangedandCottonMatherdeliveredovertotheDevil——
ThatwasSalem,though,andnotBoston。No,notBoston。RobertCalef,theBostonmerchant,itwasthatblewthemallto-
Nevermindwhereheblewthemto,——Isaid;forthelittlemanwasgettingredintheface,andIdidn’tknowwhatmightcomenext。
Thisepisodebrokemeup,asthejockeyssay,outofmysquareconversationaltrot;butIsettleddowntoitagain——
Amanthatknowsmen,inthestreet,attheirwork,humannatureinitsshirt-sleeves,whomakesbargainswithdeacons,insteadoftalkingovertextswiththem,amanwhohasfoundoutthatthereareplentyofprayingroguesandswearingsaintsintheworld,——aboveall,whohasfoundout,bylivingintothepithandcoreoflife,thatalloftheDeitywhichcanbefoldedupbetweenthesheetsofanyhumanbookistotheDeityofthefirmament,ofthestrata,ofthehotaorticfloodofthrobbinghumanlife,ofthisinfinite,instantaneousconsciousnessinwhichthesoul’sbeingconsists,——anincandescentpointinthefilamentconnectingthenegativepoleofapasteternitywiththepositivepoleofaneternitythatistocome,——
thatalloftheDeitywhichanyhumanbookcanholdistothislargerDeityoftheworkingbatteryoftheuniverseonlyasthefilmsinabookofgold-leafaretothebroadseamsandcurdledlumpsoforethatlieinunsunnedminesandvirginplacers,——Oh!——Iwassayingthatamanwholivesout-of-doors,amonglivepeople,getssomethingsintohisheadhemightnotfindintheindexofhis\"BodyofDivinity。\"
Itellyouwhat,——theideaoftheprofessions’diggingamoatroundtheirclosecorporations,likethatJapaneseoneatJeddo,onthebottomofwhich,iftravellersdonotlie,youcouldputParkStreetChurchandlookoverthevanefromitsside,andtrytostretchanothersuchspireacrossitwithoutspanningthechasm,——thatidea,Isay,isprettynearlywornout。Nowwhenacivilizationoracivilizedcustomfallsintoseniledementia,thereiscommonlyajudgmentripeforit,anditcomesasplaguescome,fromabreath,——
asfirescome,fromaspark。
Here,lookatmedicine。Bigwigs,gold-headedcanes,Latinprescriptions,shopsfullofabominations,recipesayardlong,\"curing\"patientsbydruggingassailorsbringawindbywhistling,sellingliesataguineaapiece,——aroutine,inshort,ofgivingunfortunatesickpeopleamessofthingseithertooodioustoswallowortooacridtohold,or,ifthatwerepossible,bothatonce——
Youdon’tknowwhatImean,indignantandnotunintelligentcountry-practitioner?Thenyoudon’tknowthehistoryofmedicine,——
andthatisnotmyfault。Butdon’texposeyourselfinanyoutbreakofeloquence;for,bythemortarinwhichAnaxarchuswaspounded!I
didnotbringhomeSchenckiusandForestusandHildanus,andalltheoldfoliosincalfandvellumIwillshowyou,tobebulliedbytheproprietor,ofa\"WoodandBache,\"andashelfofpepperedsheepskinreprintsbyPhiladelphiaEditors。Besides,manyoftheprofessionandIknowalittlesomethingofeachother,andyoudon’tthinkIamsuchasimpletonastolosetheirgoodopinionbysayingwhatthebetterheadsamongthemwouldcondemnasunfairanduntrue?Nowmarkhowthegreatplaguecameonthegenerationofdruggingdoctors,andinwhatformitfell。
Aschemingdrug-vender,inventivegenius,anutterlyuntrustworthyandincompetentobserver,profoundsearcherofNature,ashallowdabblerinerudition,sagaciousscholar,startedthemonstrousfictionfoundedtheimmortalsystemofHomoeopathy。Iamveryfair,yousee,——youcanhelpyourselftoeitherofthesesetsofphrases。
Allthereasonintheworldwouldnothavehadsorapidandgeneralaneffectonthepublicmindtodisabuseitoftheideathatadrugisagoodthinginitself,insteadofbeing,asitis,abadthing,aswasproducedbythetricksystemofthisGermancharlatantheorist。Notthatthewiserpartoftheprofessionneededhimtoteachthem;buttheroutinistsandtheiremployers,the\"generalpractitioners,\"wholivedbysellingpillsandmixtures,andtheirdrug-consumingcustomers,hadtorecognizethatpeoplecouldgetwell,unpoisoned。Thesedumbcattlewouldnotlearnitofthemselves,andsothemurrainofHomoeopathyfellonthem——
Youdon’tknowwhatplaguehasfallenonthepractitionersoftheology?Iwilltellyou,then。ItisSpiritualism。WhilesomearecryingoutagainstitasadelusionoftheDevil,andsomearelaughingatitasanhystericfolly,andsomearegettingangrywithitasameretrickofinterestedormischievouspersons,Spiritualismisquietlyunderminingthetraditionalideasofthefuturestatewhichhavebeenandarestillaccepted,——notmerelyinthosewhobelieveinit,butinthegeneralsentimentofthecommunity,toalargerextentthanmostgoodpeopleseemtobeawareof。Itneedn’tbetrue,todothis,anymorethanHomoeopathyneed,todoitswork。
TheSpiritualistshavesomeprettystronginstinctstopryover,whichnodoubthavebeenroughlyhandledbytheologiansatdifferenttimes。AndtheNemesisofthepulpitcomes,inashapeitlittlethoughtof,beginningwiththesnapofatoe-joint,andendingwithsuchacrackofoldbeliefsthattheroarofitisheardinalltheministers’studiesofChristendom?Sir,youcannothavepeopleofcultivation,ofpurecharacter,sensibleenoughincommonthings,large-heartedwomen,gravejudges,shrewdbusiness-men,menofscience,professingtobeincommunicationwiththespiritualworldandkeepingupconstantintercoursewithit,withoutitsgraduallyreactingonthewholeconceptionofthatotherlife。Itisthefollyoftheworld,constantly,whichconfoundsitswisdom。Notonlyoutofthemouthsofbabesandsucklings,butoutofthemouthsoffoolsandcheats,wemayoftengetourtruestlessons。Forthefool’sjudgmentisadog-vanethatturnswithabreath,andthecheatwatchesthecloudsandsetshisweathercockbythem,——sothatoneshalloftenseebytheirpointingwhichwaythewindsofheavenareblowing,whentheslow-wheelingarrowsandfeathersofwhatwecalltheTemplesofWisdomareturningtoallpointsofthecompass——
Amen!——saidtheyoungfellowcalledJohn——Tenminutesbythewatch。Thosethatareunanimouswillpleasetosignifybyholdinguptheirleftfoot!
Ilookedthisyoungmansteadilyinthefaceforaboutthirtyseconds。Hiscountenancewasascalmasthatofareposinginfant。
Ithinkitwassimplicity,ratherthanmischief,withperhapsayouthfulplayfulness,thatledhimtothisoutbreak。Ihaveoftennoticedthatevenquiethorses,onasharpNovembermorning,whentheircoatsarebeginningtogetthewinterroughness,willgivelittlesportivedemi-kicks,withslightsuddenelevationofthesubsequentregionofthebody,andasharpshortwhinny,——bynomeansintendingtoputtheirheelsthroughthedasher,ortoaddressthedriverrudely,butfeeling,touseafamiliarword,frisky。This,I
think,isthephysiologicalconditionoftheyoungperson,John。I
noticed,however,whatIshouldcallapalpebralspasm,affectingtheeyelidandmusclesofoneside,which,ifitwereintendedforthefacialgesturecalledawink,mightleadmetosuspectadispositiontobesatiricalonhispart——
Resumingtheconversation,Iremarked,——Iam,exofficio,asaProfessor,aconservative。ForIdon’tknowanyfruitthatclingstoitstreesofaithfully,notevena\"froze-’n’-thaw\"winter-apple,asaProfessortotheboughofwhichhischairismade。Youcan’tshakehimoff,anditisasmuchasyoucandotopullhimoff。Hence,byachainofinductionIneednotunwind,hetendstoconservatismgenerally。
Butthen,youknow,ifyouaresailingtheAtlantic,andallatoncefindyourselfinacurrent,andtheseacoveredwithweeds,anddropyourFahrenheitoverthesideandfinditeightortendegreeshigherthanintheoceangenerally,thereisnouseinflyinginthefaceoffactsandswearingthereisnosuchthingasaGulf-Stream,whenyouareinit。
Youcan’tkeepgasinabladder,andyoucan’tkeepknowledgetightinaprofession。Hydrogenwillleakout,andairwillleakin,throughIndia-rubber;andspecialknowledgewillleakout,andgeneralknowledgewillleakin,thoughaprofessionwerecoveredwithtwentythicknessesofsheepskindiplomas。
ByJove,Sir,tillcommonsenseiswellmixedupwithmedicine,andcommonmanhoodwiththeology,andcommonhonestywithlaw,Wethepeople,Sir,someofuswithnut-crackers,andsomeofuswithtrip-
hammers,andsomeofuswithpile-drivers,andsomeofuscomingwithawhish!likeair-stonesoutofalunarvolcano,willcrashdownonthelumpsofnonsenseinallofthemtillwehavemadepowderofthem——likeAaron’scalf[SeeHolmespoem:\"Whendoctor’stakewhattheywouldgiveandlawyersgivewhattheywouldtakeandstrawberriesgrowlargerdownthroughthebox。\"D。W。]
Iftobeaconservativeistoletallthedrainsofthoughtchokeupandkeepallthesoul’swindowsdown,——toshutoutthesunfromtheeastandthewindfromthewest,——tolettheratsrunfreeinthecellar,andthemothsfeedtheirfillinthechambers,andthespidersweavetheirlacebeforethemirrors,tillthesoul’styphusisbredoutofourneglect,andwebegintosnoreinitscomaorraveinitsdelirium,——I,Sir,amabonnet-rouge,aredcapofthebarricades,myfriends,ratherthanaconservative——
WereyouborninBoston,Sir?——saidthelittleman,——lookingeagerandexcited。
Iwasnot,——Ireplied。
It’sapity,——it’sapity,——saidthelittleman;——it’stheplacetobebornin。Butifyoucan’tfixitsoastobebornhere,youcancomeandlivehere。OldBenFranklin,thefatherofAmericanscienceandtheAmericanUnion,wasn’tashamedtobebornhere。JimOtis,thefatherofAmericanIndependence,botheredaboutintheCapeCodmarshesawhile,buthecametoBostonassoonashegotbigenough。
JoeWarren,thefirstbloodyruffed-shirtoftheRevolution,wasasgoodasbornhere。ParsonCharmingstrolledalongthiswayfromNewport,andstayedhere。PityoldSamHopkinshadn’tcome,too;——
we’dhavemadeamanofhim,——poor,dear,goodoldChristianheathen!
Therehelies,aspeacefulasayoungbaby,intheoldburying-
ground!I’vestoodontheslabmanyatime。Meantwell,——meantwell。Juggernaut。ParsonCharmingputalittleoilononelinchpin,andslippeditoutsosoftly,thefirstthingtheyknewaboutitwasthewheelofthatsidewasdown。T’otherfellow’satworknow,buthemakesmorenoiseaboutit。Whenthelinchpincomesoutonhisside,there’llbeajerk,Itellyou!Somethinkitwillspoiltheoldcart,andtheypretendtosaythattherearevaluablethingsinitwhichmaygethurt。Hopenot,——hopenot。ButthisisthegreatMacadamizingplace,——alwayscrackingupsomething。
CrackingupBostonfolks,——saidthegentlemanwiththediamond-pin,whom,forconvenience’sake,IshallhereaftercalltheKoh-i-noor。
Thelittlemanturnedroundmechanicallytowardshim,asMaelzel’sTurkusedtoturn,carryinghisheadslowlyandhorizontally,asifitwentbycogwheels——Crackingupallsortsofthings,——nativeandforeignverminincluded,——saidthelittleman。
Thisremarkwasthoughtbysomeofustohaveahiddenpersonalapplication,andtoaffordafairopeningforalivelyrejoinder,iftheKoh-i-noorhadbeensodisposed。ThelittlemanuttereditwiththedistinctwoodencalmnesswithwhichtheingeniousTurkusedtoexclaim,E-chec!sothatitmusthavebeenheard。Thepartysupposedtobeinterestedintheremarkwas,however,carryingalargeknife-
bladefulofsomethingtohismouthjustthen,which,nodoubt,interferedwiththereplyhewouldhavemade——
Myfriendwhousedtoboardherewasaccustomedsometimes,inapleasantway,tocallhimselftheAutocratofthetable,——meaning,I
suppose,thathehaditallhisownwayamongtheboarders。Ithinkoursmallboarderhereisliketoprovearefractorysubject,ifI
undertaketousethesceptremyfriendmeanttobequeathme,toomagisterially。Iwon’tdenythatsometimes,onrareoccasions,whenIhavebeenincompanywithgentlemenwhopreferredlistening,Ihavebeenguiltyofthesamekindofusurpationwhichmyfriendopenlyjustified。ButImaintain,thatI,theProfessor,amagoodlistener。Ifamancantellmeafactwhichsubtendsanappreciableangleinthehorizonofthought,Iamasreceptiveasthecontribution-boxinacongregationofcoloredbrethren。If,whenI
amexposingmyintellectualdry-goods,amanwillbeginagoodstory,Iwillhavethemallin,andmyshuttersup,beforehehasgottothefifth\"sayshe,\"andlistenlikeathree-years’child,astheauthorofthe\"OldSailor\"says。IhadratherhearoneofthosegrandelementallaughsfromeitherofourtwoGeorges,fictitiousnames,SirorMadam,glistentooneofthoseoldplaybillsofourCollegedays,inwhich\"TomandJerry\"\"ThomasandJeremiah,\"astheoldGreekProfessorwassaidtocallitwasannouncedtobebroughtonthestagewithwholeforceoftheFaculty,readbyourFrederick,nosuchperson,ofcourse,thansaythebestthingsImightbyanychancefindmyselfcapableofsaying。Ofcourse,ifIcomeacrossarealthinker,asuggestive,acute,illuminating,informingtalker,I
enjoytheluxuryofsittingstillforawhileasmuchasanother。
Nobodytalksmuchthatdoesn’tsayunwisethings,——thingshedidnotmeantosay;asnopersonplaysmuchwithoutstrikingafalsenotesometimes。Talk,tome,isonlyspadingupthegroundforcropsofthought。Ican’tanswerforwhatwillturnup。IfIcould,itwouldn’tbetalking,but\"speakingmypiece。\"Better,Ithink,theheartyabandonmentofone’sselftothesuggestionsofthemomentattheriskofanoccasionalslipofthetongue,perceivedtheinstantitescapes,butjustonesyllabletoolate,thantheroyalreputationofneversayingafoolishthing——
WhatshallIdowiththislittleman?——Thereisonlyonethingtodo,——andthatistolethimtalkwhenhewill。Thedayofthe\"Autocrat’s\"monologuesisover——
Myfriend,——saidItotheyoungfellowwhom,asIhavesaid,theboarderscall\"John,\"——Myfriend,——Isaid,onemorning,afterbreakfast,——canyougivemeanyinformationrespectingthedeformedpersonwhositsattheotherendofthetable?
What!theSculpin?——saidtheyoungfellow。
Thediminutiveperson,withangularcurvatureofthespine,——Isaid,——
anddoubletalipesvarus,——Ibegyourpardon,——withtwoclub-feet。
Isthatlongwordwhatyoucallitwhenafellahwalksso?——saidtheyoungman,makinghisfistsrevolveroundanimaginaryaxis,asyoumayhaveseenyouthoftenderageandlimitedpugilisticknowledge,whentheyshowhowtheywouldpunishanadversary,themselvesprotectedbythisrotatingguard,——themiddleknuckle,meantime,thumb-supported,fiercelyprominent,death-threatening。
Itis,——saidI——Butwouldyouhavethekindnesstotellmeifyouknowanythingaboutthisdeformedperson?
AbouttheSculpin?——saidtheyoungfellow。
Mygoodfriend,——saidI,——Iamsure,byyourcountenance,youwouldnothurtthefeelingsofonewhohasbeenhardlyenoughtreatedbyNaturetobesparedbyhisfellows。Eveninspeakingofhimtoothers,Icouldwishthatyoumightnotemployatermwhichimpliescontemptforwhatshouldinspireonlypity。
Afellah’snobusinesstobesocrooked,——saidtheyoungmancalledJohn。
Yes,yes,——Isaid,thoughtfully,——thestronghatetheweak。It’sallright。Thearrangementhasreferencetotherace,andnottotheindividual。Infirmitymustbekickedout,orthestockrundown。
Wholesalemoralarrangementsaresodifferentfromretail!——I
understandtheinstinct,myfriend,——itiscosmic,——itisplanetary,——
itisaconservativeprincipleincreation。
Theyoungfellow’sfacegraduallylostitsexpressionasIwasspeaking,untilitbecameasblankofvividsignificanceasthecountenanceofagingerbreadrabbitwithtwocurrantsintheplaceofeyes。Hehadnottakenmymeaning。
Presentlytheintelligencecamebackwithasnapthatmadehimwink,asheanswered,——Jestso。Allright。A1。Putherthrough。That’sthewaytotalk。Didyouspeaktome,Sir?——Heretheyoungmanstruckupthatwell-knownsongwhichIthinktheyusedtosingatMasonicfestivals,beginning,\"Aldiborontiphoscophornio,WhereleftyouChrononhotonthologos?\"
Ibegyourpardon,——Isaid;——allImeantwas,thatmen,astemporaryoccupantsofapermanentabodecalledhumanlife,whichisimprovedorinjuredbyoccupancy,accordingtothestyleoftenant,haveanaturaldisliketothosewho,iftheylivethelifeoftheraceaswellasoftheindividual,willleavelastinginjuriouseffectsupontheabodespokenof,whichistobeoccupiedbycountlessfuturegenerations。Thisisthefinalcauseoftheunderlyingbruteinstinctwhichwehaveincommonwiththeherds——
Thegingerbread-rabbitexpressionwascomingonsofast,thatI
thoughtImusttryagain——It’sapitythatfamiliesarekeptup,wheretherearesuchhereditaryinfirmities。Still,letustreatthispoormanfairly,andnotcallhimnames。Doyouknowwhathisnameis?
Iknowwhattherestof’emcallhim,——saidtheyoungfellow——TheycallhimLittleBoston。There’snoharminthat,isthere?
Itisanhonorableterm,——Ireplied——ButwhyLittleBoston,inaplacewheremostareBostonians?
BecausenobodyelseisquitesoBostonalloverasheis,——saidtheyoungfellow。
\"L。B。Ob。1692。\"——LittleBostonlethimbe,whenwetalkabouthim。
Theringhewearslabelshimwellenough。Thereisstuffinthelittleman,orhewouldn’tsticksomanfullybythiscrooked,crotchetyoldtown。Givehimachance——YouwilldroptheSculpin,won’tyou?——Isaidtotheyoungfellow。
Drophim?——heanswered,——Iha’n’ttookhimupyet。
No,no,——theterm,——Isaid,——theterm。Don’tcallhimsoanymore,ifyouplease。CallhimLittleBoston,ifyoulike。
Allright,——saidtheyoungfellow——Iwouldn’tbehardonthepoorlittle-
Thewordheusedwasobjectionableinpointofsignificanceandofgrammar。ItwasafrequentterminationofcertainadjectivesamongtheRomans,——asofthosedesignatingapersonfollowingthesea,orgiventoruralpursuits。Itisclassedbycustomamongtheprofanewords;why,itishardtosay,——butitislargelyusedinthestreetbythosewhospeakoftheirfellowsinpityorinwrath。
Ineverheardtheyoungfellowapplythenameoftheodiouspretendedfishtothelittlemanfromthatdayforward——
Hereweare,then,atourboarding——house。First,myself,theProfessor,alittlewayfromtheheadofthetable,ontheright,lookingdown,wherethe\"Autocrat\"usedtosit。AtthefurtherendsitstheLandlady。Attheheadofthetable,justnow,theKoh-i-
noor,orthegentlemanwiththediamond。OppositemeisaVenerableGentlemanwithablandcountenance,whoasyethasspokenlittle。
TheDivinityStudentismyneighborontheright,——andfurtherdown,thatYoungFellowofwhomIhaverepeatedlyspoken。TheLandlady’sDaughtersitsneartheKoh-i-noor,asIsaid。ThePoorRelationneartheLandlady。Attherightuppercornerisafresh-lookingyouthofwhosenameandhistoryIhaveasyetlearnednothing。Nextthefurtherleft-handcorner,nearthelowerendofthetable,sitsthedeformedperson。Thechairathisside,occupyingthatcorner,isempty。Ineednotspeciallymentiontheotherboarders,withtheexceptionofBenjaminFranklin,thelandlady’sson,whositsnearhismother。Weareatolerablyassortedset,——differenceenoughandlikenessenough;butstillitseemstomethereissomethingwanting。
TheLandlady’sDaughteristheprimadonnainthewayoffeminineattractions。Iamnotquitesatisfiedwiththisyounglady。Shewearsmore\"jewelry,\"ascertainyoungladiescalltheirtrinkets,thanIcaretoseeonapersoninherposition。Hervoiceisstrident,herlaughtoomuchlikeagiggle,andshehasthatfoolishwayofdancingandbobbinglikeaquill-floatwitha\"minnum\"bitingthehookbelowit,whichoneseesandweepsoversometimesinpersonsofmorepretensions。Ican’thelphopingweshallputsomethingintothatemptychairyetwhichwilladdthemissingstringtooursocialharp。IheartalkofarareMisswhoisexpected。Somethingintheschoolgirlway,Ibelieve。Weshallsee——
MyfriendwhocallshimselfTheAutocrathasgivenmeacautionwhichIamgoingtorepeat,withmycommentuponit,forthebenefitofallconcerned。
Professor,——saidhe,oneday,——don’tyouthinkyourbrainwillrundrybeforeayear’sout,ifyoudon’tgetthepumptohelpthecow?
Letmetellyouwhathappenedtomeonce。Iputalittlemoneyintoabank,andboughtacheck-book,sothatImightdrawitasIwanted,insumstosuit。Thingswentonnicelyforatime;scratchingwithapenwasaseasyasrubbingAladdin’sLamp;andmyblankcheck-bookseemedtobeadictionaryofpossibilities,inwhichIcouldfindallthesynonymesofhappiness,andrealizeanyoneofthemonthespot。
Acheckcamebacktomeatlastwiththesetwowordsonit,——NO
FUNDS。Mycheck-bookwasavolumeofwaste-paper。
Now,Professor,——saidhe,——Ihavedrawnsomethingoutofyourbank,youknow;andjustsosureasyoukeepdrawingoutyoursoul’scurrencywithoutmakingnewdeposits,thenextthingwillbe,NO
FUNDS,——andthenwherewillyoube,myboy?Theselittlebitsofpapermeanyourgoldandyoursilverandyourcopper,Professor;andyouwillcertainlybreakupandgotopieces,ifyoudon’tholdontoyourmetallicbasis。
Thereissomethinginthat,——saidI——OnlyIratherthinklifecancointhoughtsomewhatfasterthanIcancountitoffinwords。WhatifoneshallgoroundanddryupwithsoftnapkinsallthedewthatfallsofaJuneeveningontheleavesofhisgarden?Shalltherebenomoredewonthoseleavesthereafter?Marry,yea,——manydrops,largeandroundandfullofmoonlightasthosethoushalthaveabsterged!
HereamI,theProfessor,——amanwhohaslivedlongenoughtohavepluckedtheflowersoflifeandcometotheberries,——whicharenotalwayssad-colored,butsometimesgolden-huedasthecrocusofApril,orrosy-cheekedasthedamaskofJune;amanwhostaggeredagainstbooksasababy,andwilltotteragainstthem,ifhelivestodecrepitude;withabrainfulloftinglingthoughts,suchastheyare,asalimbwhichwecall\"asleep,\"becauseitissoparticulyawake,isofprickingpoints;presentingakey-boardofnerve-pulps,notasyettannedorossified,tofinger-touchofalloutwardagencies;knowingnothingofthefilmythreadsofthisweboflifeinwhichweinsectsbuzzawhile,waitingforthegrayoldspidertocomealong;contentedenoughwithdailyrealities,buttwirlingonhisfingerthekeyofaprivateBedlamofideals;inknowledgefeedingwiththefoxoftenerthanwiththestork,——lovingbetterthebreadthofafertilizinginundationthanthedepthofnarrowartesianwell;
findingnothingtoosmallforhiscontemplationinthemarkingsofthegrammatophorasubtilissima,andnothingtoolargeinthemovementofthesolarsystemtowardsthestarLambdaoftheconstellationHercules;——andthequestionis,whetherthereisanythingleftforme,theProfessor,tosuckoutofcreation,aftermylivelyfriendhashadhisstrawinthebung-holeoftheUniverse!
Aman’smentalreactionswiththeatmosphereoflifemustgoon,whetherhewillorno,asbetweenhisbloodandtheairhebreathes。
Astocatchingtheresiduumoftheprocess,orwhatwecallthought,——
thegaseousashesofburned-outthinking,——theexcretionofmentalrespiration,——thatwilldependonmanythings,as,onhavingafavorableintellectualtemperatureaboutone,andafittingreceptacle——Isowmorethought-seedsintwenty-fourhours’traveloverthedesert-sandalongwhichmylonelyconsciousnesspacesdayandnight,thanIshallthrowintosoilwhereitwillgerminate,inayear。Allsortsofbodilyandmentalperturbationscomebetweenusandthedueprojectionofourthought。Thepulse-like\"fitsofeasyanddifficulttransmission\"seemtoreacheventhetransparentmediumthroughwhichoursoulsareseen。Weknowourhumanitybyitsofteninterceptedrays,aswetellarevolvinglightfromastarormeteorbyitsconstantlyrecurringobscuration。
Anillustriousscholaroncetoldme,that,inthefirstlectureheeverdelivered,hespokebuthalfhisallottedtime,andfeltasifhehadtoldallheknew。Brahamcameforwardoncetosingoneofhismostfamousandfamiliarsongs,andforhislifecouldnotrecallthefirstlineofit;——hetoldhismishaptotheaudience,andtheyscreameditathiminachorusofathousandvoices。Miltoncouldnotwritetosuithimself,exceptfromtheautumnaltothevernalequinox。Oneintheclothing-business,who,thereisreasontosuspect,mayhaveinherited,bydescent,thegreatpoet’simpressibletemperament,letacustomerslipthroughhisfingersonedaywithoutfittinghimwithanewgarment。\"Ah!\"saidhetoafriendofmine,whowasstandingby,\"ifithadn’tbeenforthatconfoundedheadacheofminethismorning,I’dhavehadacoatonthatman,inspiteofhimself,beforeheleft-thestore。\"Apassingthrob,only,——butitderangedthenicemechanismrequiredtopersuadetheaccidentalhumanbeing,X,intoagivenpieceofbroadcloth,A。
Wemusttakecarenottoconfoundthisfrequentdifficultyoftransmissionofourideaswithwantofideas。Isupposethataman’sminddoesintimeformaneutralsaltwiththeelementsintheuniverseforwhichithasspecialelectiveaffinities。Infact,I
lookuponalibraryasakindofmentalchemist’sshopfilledwiththecrystalsofallformsandhueswhichhavecomefromtheunionofindividualthoughtwithlocalcircumstancesoruniversalprinciples。
Whenamanhasworkedouthisspecialaffinitiesinthisway,thereisanendofhisgeniusasarealsolvent。Nomoreeffervescenceandhissingtumult——ashepourshissharpthoughtontheworld’sbitingalkalineunbeliefs!Nomorecorrosionoftheoldmonumentaltabletscoveredwithlies!Nomoretakingupofdullearths,andturningthem,firstintoclearsolutions,andthenintolustrousprisms!
I,theProfessor,amverymuchlikeothermen:IshallnotfindoutwhenIhaveusedupmyaffinities。Whatablessedthingitis,thatNature,whensheinvented,manufactured,andpatentedherauthors,contrivedtomakecriticsoutofthechipsthatwereleft!Painfulasthetaskis,theyneverfailtowarntheauthor,inthemostimpressivemanner,oftheprobabilitiesoffailureinwhathehasundertaken。Sadasthenecessityistotheirdelicatesensibilities,theyneverhesitatetoadvertisehimofthedeclineofhispowers,andtopressuponhimtheproprietyofretiringbeforehesinksintoimbecility。Trustingtotheirkindoffices,Ishallendeavortofulfil——
Bridgetentersandbeginsclearingthetable——
ThefollowingpoemismyTheProfessor’sonlycontributiontothegreatdepartmentofOcean-Cableliterature。AsallthepoetsofthiscountrywillbeengagedforthenextsixweeksinwritingforthepremiumofferedbytheCrystal-PalaceCompanyfortheBurnsCentenary,socalled,accordingtoourBenjaminFranklin,becausetherewillbenaryacentforanyofus,poetrywillbeveryscarceanddear。Consumersmay,consequently,begladtotakethepresentarticle,which,bytheaidofaLatintutor——andaProfessorofChemistry,willbefoundintelligibletotheeducatedclasses。
DESAUTY
ANELECTRO-CHEMICALECLOGUE。
Professor。Blue-Nose。
PROFESSOR。
Tellme,OProvincial!speak,Ceruleo-Nasal!
LivesthereoneDeSautyextantnowamongyon,WhisperingBoanerges,sonofsilentthunder,Holdingtalkwithnations?
IsthereaDeSauty,ambulantonTellus,Bifid-cleftlikemortals,dormientinnight-cap,Havingsight,smell,hearing,food-receivingfeatureThreetimesdailypatent?
Breathestheresuchabeing,OCeruleo-Nasal?
Orisheamythus,——ancientwordfor\"humbug,\"——
SuchasLivytoldaboutthewolfthatwet-nursedRomulusandRemus?
Washebornofwoman,thisallegedDeSauty?
Oralivingproductofgalvanicaction,LikethestatusbredinCrossesflint-solution?
Speak,thouCyano-Rhinal!
BLUE-NOSE。
Manythingsthouaskest,jackknife-bearingstranger,Much-conjecturingmortal,pork-and-treacle-waster!
Pretermitthywhittling,wheelthineear-flaptowardme,Thoushalthearthemanswered。
Whenthechargegalvanictingledthroughthecable,AtthepolarfocusofthewireelectricSuddenlyappearedawhite-facedmanamongusCalledhimself\"DESAUTY。\"
AsthesmallopossumheldinpouchmaternalGraspsthenutrientorganwhencethetermmammalia,Sotheunknownstrangerheldthewireelectric,Suckinginthecurrent。
Whenthecurrentstrengthened,bloomedthepale-facedstranger,Tooknodrinknorvictual,yetgrewfatandrosy,Andfromtimetotime,insharparticulation,Said,\"Allright!DESAUTY。\"
>Fromthelonelystationpassedtheutterance,spreadingThroughthepinesandhemlockstothegrovesofsteeplesTillthelandwasfilledwithloudreverberationsOf\"Allright!DESAUTY。\"
Whenthecurrentslackened,droopedthemysticstranger,Faded,faded,faded,asthestreamgrewweaker,Wastedtoashadow,withahartshornodorOfdisintegration。
Dropsofdeliquescenceglistenedonhisforehead,Whitenedroundhisfeetthedustofefflorescence,TilloneMondaymorning,whentheflowsuspended,TherewasnoDeSauty。
Nothingbutacloudofelementsorganic,C。O。H。N。Ferrum,Chor。Flu。Sil。Potassa,Calc。Sod。Phosph。Mag。Sulphur,Mang。?Alumin。?Cuprum,?
Suchasmanismadeof。
Bornofstreamgalvanic,withitbehadperished!
ThereisnoDeSautynowthereisnocurrent!
Giveusanewcable,thenagainwe’llhearhimCry,\"Allright!DESAUTY。\"
II
Backagain!——Aturtle——whichmeansatortoise——isfondofhisshell;
butifyouputalivecoalonhisback,hecrawlsoutofit。Sotheboyssay。
Itisalibelontheturtle。Hegrowstohisshell,andhisshellisinhisbodyasmuchashisbodyisinhisshell——Idon’tthinkthereisoneofourboardersquitesotestudineousasIam。Nothingbutacombinationofmotives,moreperemptorythanthecoalontheturtle’sback,couldhavegotmetoleavetheshelterofmycarapace;
andaftermemorableinterviews,andkindesthospitalities,andgrandsights,andhugeinfluxofpatrioticpride,——foreveryAmericanownsallAmerica,——
\"Creation’sheir,——theworld,theworldis\"
his,ifanybody’s,——Icomebackwiththefeelingwhichabonedturkeymightexperience,if,retaininghisconsciousness,hewereallowedtoresumehisskeleton。
Welcome,OFightingGladiator,andRecumbentCleopatra,andDyingWarrior,whoseclassicoutlinesreproducedinthecalcinedmineralofLutetiacrownmyloadedshelves!Welcome,yetriumphsofpictorialartrepeatedbythemagicgraverthatlookdownuponmefromthewallsofmysacredcell!Vesalius,asTitiandrewhim,high-fronted,still-eyed,thick-bearded,withsignet-ring,asbeseemsagentleman,withbookandcarelessly-heldeyeglass,markinghimascholar;thou,too,JanKuyper,commonlycalledJanPraktiseer,oldmanofacenturyandsevenyearsbesides,fatheroftwentysonsandtwodaughters,cutincopperbyHoubraken,boughtfromaportfolioononeoftheParisquais;andyeThreeTreesofRembrandt,blackinshadowagainsttheblazeoflight;andthouRosyCottagerofSirJoshua,roseshintedbythepepperyburinofBartolozzi;ye,too,oflowergradesinnature,yetnotunlovelyforunrenowned,YoungBullofPaulusPotter,andsleepingCatofCorneliusVisscher;welcomeoncemoretomyeyes!Theoldbookslookoutfromtheshelves,andI
seemtoreadontheirbackssomethingasidestheirtitles,——akindofsolemngreeting。Thecrimsoncarpetflusheswarmundermyfeet。Thearm-chairhugsme;theswivel-chairspinsroundwithme,asifitweregiddywithpleasure;thevastrecumbentfauteuilstretchesitselfoutundermyweight,asonejoyouswithfoodandwinestretchesinafter-dinnerlaughter。
Theboarderswerepleasedtosaythattheyweregladtogetmeback。
Oneofthemventuredacompliment,namely,——thatItalkedasifI
believedwhatIsaid——Thiswasapparentlyconsideredsomethingunusual,byitsbeingmentioned。
Onewhomeanstotalkwithentiresincerity,——Isaid,——alwaysfeelshimselfindangeroftwothings,namely,——anaffectationofbluntness,likethatofwhichCornwallaccusesKentin\"Lear,\"andactualrudeness。Whatamanwantstodo,intalkingwithastranger,istogetandtogiveasmuchofthebestandmostreallifethatbelongstothetwotalkersasthetimewilllethim。Lifeisshort,andconversationapttoruntomerewords。Mr。HueIthinkitis,whotellsussomeverygoodstoriesaboutthewayinwhichtwoChinesegentlemencontrivetokeepupalongtalkwithoutsayingawordwhichhasanymeaninginit。SomethinglikethisisoccasionallyheardonthissideoftheGreatWall。ThebestChinesetalkersIknowaresomeprettywomenwhomImeetfromtimetotime。
Pleasant,airy,complimentary,thelittleflakesofflatteryglimmeringintheirtalklikethebitsofgold-leafineau-de-viedeDantzic;theiraccentsflowingoninasoftripple,——neverawave,andneveracalm;wordsnicelyfitted,butneveracoloredphraseorahighly-flavoredepithet;theyturnairintosyllablessogracefully,thatwefindmeaningforthemusictheymakeaswefindfacesinthecoalsandfairypalacesintheclouds。Thereissomethingveryodd,though,aboutthismechanicaltalk。
Youhavesometimesbeeninatrainontherailroadwhentheenginewasdetachedalongwayfromthestationyouwereapproaching?Well,youhavenoticedhowquietlyandrapidlythecarskepton,justasifthelocomotiveweredrawingthem?Indeed,youwouldnothavesuspectedthatyouweretravellingonthestrengthofadeadfact,ifyouhadnotseentheenginerunningawayfromyouonaside-track。
Uponmyconscience,Ibelievesomeoftheseprettywomendetachtheirmindsentirely,sometimes,fromtheirtalk,——and,whatismore,thatweneverknowthedifference。Theirlipsletofftheflutysyllablesjustastheirfingerswouldsprinklethemusic-dropsfromtheirpianos;unconscioushabitturnsthephraseofthoughtintowordsjustasitdoesthatofmusicintonotes——Well,theygoverntheworldforallthat,thesesweet-lippedwomen,——becausebeautyistheindexofalargerfactthanwisdom——
TheBombazinewantedanexplanation。
Madam,——saidI,——wisdomistheabstractofthepast,butbeautyisthepromiseofthefuture——
Allthis,however,isnotwhatIwasgoingtosay。HereamI,suppose,seated——wewillsayatadinner-table——alongsideofanintelligentEnglishman。Welookineachother’sfaces,——weexchangeadozenwords。Onethingissettled:wemeannottooffendeachother,——tobeperfectlycourteous,——morethancourteous;forwearetheentertainerandtheentertained,andcherishparticularlyamiablefeelings,toeachother。Theclaretisgood;andifourbloodreddensalittlewithitswarmcrimson,wearenonethelesskindforit。
Idon’tthinkpeoplethattalkovertheirvictualsareliketosayanythingverygreat,especiallyiftheygettheirheadsmuddledwithstrongdrinkbeforetheybeginjabberin’。
TheBombazineutteredthiswithasugarysourness,asifthewordshadbeensteepedinasolutionofacetateoflead——Theboysofmytimeusedtocallahitlikethisa\"side-winder。\"——
Imustfinishthiswoman——
Madam,——Isaid,——theGreatTeacherseemstohavebeenfondoftalkingashesatatmeat。Becausethiswasagoodwhileago,inafar-offplace,youforgetwhatthetruefactofitwas,——thatthosewererealdinners,wherepeoplewerehungryandthirsty,andwhereyoumetaverymiscellaneouscompany。Probablytherewasagreatdealofloosetalkamongtheguests;atanyrate,therewasalwayswine,wemaybelieve。
Whatevermaybethehygienicadvantagesordisadvantagesofwine,——
andIforone,exceptforcertainparticularends,believeinwater,and,Iblushtosayit,inblacktea,——thereisnodoubtaboutitsbeingthegrandspecificagainstdulldinners。Ascoreofpeoplecometogetherinallmoodsofmindandbody。Theproblemis,inthespaceofonehour,moreorless,tobringthemallintothesameconditionofslightlyexaltedlife。Foodaloneisenoughforoneperson,perhaps,——talk,alone,foranother;butthegrandequalizerandfraternizer,whichworksuptheradiatorstotheirmaximumradiation,andtheabsorbentstotheirmaximumreceptivity,isnowjustwhereitwaswhenTheconsciouswatersawitsLordandblushed,——whensixgreatvesselscontainingwater,thewholeamountingtomorethanahogshead-full,werechangedintothebestofwine。I
oncewroteasongaboutwine,inwhichIspokesowarmlyofit,thatIwasafraidsomewouldthinkitwaswritteninterpocula;whereasitwascomposedinthebosomofmyfamily,underthemosttranquillizingdomesticinfluences——
Thedivinity-studentturnedtowardsme,lookingmischievous——Canyoutellme,——hesaid,——whowroteasongforatemperancecelebrationonce,ofwhichthefollowingisaverse?
Alasforthelovedone,toogentleandfairThejoysofthebanquettochastenandshare!
Hereyelostitslightthathisgobletmightshine,Andtheroseofhercheekwasdissolvedinhiswine!
Idid,——Ianswered——Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit?——IwilltellyouanotherlineIwrotelongago:——
Don’tbe\"consistent,\"——butbesimplytrue。
ThelongerIlive,themoreIamsatisfiedoftwothings:first,thatthetruestlivesarethosethatarecutrose-diamond-fashion,withmanyfacetsansweringtothemany-planedaspectsoftheworldaboutthem;secondly,thatsocietyisalwaystryinginsomewayorothertogrindusdowntoasingleflatsurface。Itishardworktoresistthisgrinding-downaction——Nowgivemeachance。Bettereternalanduniversalabstinencethanthebrutalitiesofthosedaysthatmadewivesandmothersanddaughtersandsistersblushforthosewhomtheyshouldhavehonored,astheycamereelinghomefromtheirdebauches!
Yetbetterevenexcessthanlyingandhypocrisy;andifwineisuponallourtables,letuspraiseitforitscolorandfragranceandsocialtendency,sofarasitdeserves,andnothugabottleintheclosetandpretendnottoknowtheuseofawine-glassatapublicdinner!Ithinkyouwillfindthatpeoplewhohonestlymeantobetruereallycontradictthemselvesmuchmorerarelythanthosewhotrytobe\"consistent。\"Butagreatmanythingswesaycanbemadetoappearcontradictory,simplybecausetheyarepartialviewsofatruth,andmayoftenlookunlikeatfirst,asafrontviewofafaceanditsprofileoftendo。
Hereisadistinguisheddivine,forwhomIhavegreatrespect,forI
owehimacharminghouratoneofourliteraryanniversaries,andhehasoftenspokennoblewords;butheholdsuparemarkofmyfriendthe\"Autocrat,\"——whichIgrievetosayhetwicemisquotes,byomittingtheverywordwhichgivesititssignificance,——thewordfluid,intendedtotypifythemobilityoftherestrictedwill,——holdsitup,Isay,asifitattackedtherealityoftheself-determiningprinciple,insteadofillustratingitslimitationsbyanimage。NowIwillnotexplainanyfarther,stilllessdefend,andleastofallattack,butsimplyquoteafewlinesfromoneofmyfriend’spoems,printedmorethantenyearsago,andaskthedistinguishedgentlemanwherehehaseverassertedmorestronglyorabsolutelytheindependentwillofthe\"subcreativecentre,\"asmyhereticalfriendhaselsewherecalledman——
Thought,conscience,will,tomakethemallthyownHerentapillarfromtheeternalthrone!——
MadeinHisimage,thoumustnoblydareThethornycrownofsovereigntytoshare——
Thinknottoomeanlyofthylowestate;
Thouhastachoice;tochooseistocreate!