Certainly。
Andwhat，sir——saidPott——what，sir，letmeaskyouasanimpartialman，isthestateofthepublicmindinLondon，withreferencetomycontestwiththeIndependent？
Greatlyexcited，nodoubt，interposedMr。Perker，withalookofslynesswhichwasverylikelyaccidental。
Thecontest，saidPott，shallbeprolongedsolongasIhavehealthandstrength，andthatportionoftalentwithwhichIamgifted。Fromthatcontest，sir，althoughitmayunsettlemen’smindsandexcitetheirfeelings，andrenderthemincapableforthedischargeoftheevery-daydutiesofordinarylife。fromthatcontest，sir，Iwillnevershrink，tillIhavesetmyheelupontheEatanswillIndependent。IwishthepeopleofLondon，andthepeopleofthiscountrytoknow，sir，thattheymayrelyuponme——thatIwillnotdesertthem，thatIamresolvedtostandbythem，sir，tothelast。
Yourconductismostnoble，sir，saidMr。Pickwick。andhegraspedthehandofthemagnanimousPott。
Youare，sir，Iperceive，amanofsenseandtalent，saidMr。Pott，almostbreathlesswiththevehemenceofhispatrioticdeclaration。Iammosthappy，sir，tomaketheacquaintanceofsuchaman。
AndI，saidMr。Pickwick，feeldeeplyhonouredbythisexpressionofyouropinion。Allowme，sir，tointroduceyoutomyfellow-travellers，theothercorrespondingmembersoftheclubIamproudtohavefounded。
Ishallbedelighted，saidMr。Pott。
Mr。Pickwickwithdrew，andreturningwithhisfriends，presentedthemindueformtotheeditoroftheEatanswillGazette。
Now，mydearPott，saidlittleMr。Perker，thequestionis，whatarewetodowithourfriendshere？
Wecanstopinthishouse，Isuppose，saidMr。Pickwick。
Notasparebedinthehouse，mydearsir——notasinglebed。
Extremelyawkward，saidMr。Pickwick。
Very。saidhisfellow-voyagers。
Ihaveanideauponthissubject，saidMr。Pott，whichIthinkmaybeverysuccessfullyadopted。TheyhavetwobedsatthePeacock，andI
canboldlysay，onbehalfofMrs。Pott，thatshewillbedelightedtoaccommodateMr。Pickwickandanyofhisfriends，iftheothertwogentlemenandtheirservantdonotobjecttoshifting，astheybestcan，atthePeacock。
AfterrepeatedpressingsonthepartofMr。Pott，andrepeatedprotestationsonthatofMr。Pickwickthathecouldnotthinkofincommodingortroublinghisamiablewife，itwasdecidedthatitwastheonlyfeasiblearrangementthatcouldbemade。Soitwasmade。andafterdiningtogetherattheTownArms，thefriendsseparated，Mr。TupmanandMr。SnodgrassrepairingtothePeacock，andMr。PickwickandMr。WinkleproceedingtothemansionofMr。Pott。ithavingbeenpreviouslyarrangedthattheyshouldallreassembleattheTownArmsinthemorning，andaccompanythehonourableSamuelSlumkey’sprocessiontotheplaceofnomination。
Mr。Pott’sdomesticcirclewaslimitedtohimselfandhiswife。Allmenwhommightygeniushasraisedtoaproudeminenceintheworld，haveusuallysomelittleweaknesswhichappearsthemoreconspicuousfromthecontrastitpresentstotheirgeneralcharacter。IfMr。Potthadaweakness，itwas，perhaps，thathewasrathertoosubmissivetothesomewhatcontemptuouscontrolandswayofhiswife。Wedonotfeeljustifiedinlayinganyparticularstressuponthefact，becauseonthepresentoccasionallMrs。Pott’smostwinningwayswerebroughtintorequisitiontoreceivethetwogentlemen。
Mydear，saidMr。Pott，Mr。Pickwick——Mr。PickwickofLondon。
Mrs。PottreceivedMr。Pickwick’spaternalgraspofthehandwithenchantingsweetness：andMr。Winkle，whohadnotbeenannouncedatall，sidledandbowed，unnoticed，inanobscurecorner。
P。mydear——saidMrs。Pott。
Mylife，saidMr。Pott。
Prayintroducetheothergentleman。
Ibegathousandpardons，saidMr。Pott。Permitme，Mrs。Pott，Mr——
Winkle，saidMr。Pickwick。
Winkle，echoedMr。Pott。andtheceremonyofintroductionwascomplete。
Weoweyoumanyapologies，ma’am，saidMr。Pickwick，fordisturbingyourdomesticarrangementsatsoshortanotice。
Ibegyouwon’tmentionit，sir，repliedthefemininePott，withvivacity。
Itisahightreattome，Iassureyou，toseeanynewfaces。livingasIdo，fromdaytoday，andweektoweek，inthisdullplace，andseeingnobody。
Nobody，mydear！exclaimedMr。Pott，archly。
Nobodybutyou，retortedMrs。Pott，withasperity。
Yousee，Mr。Pickwick，saidthehostinexplanationofhiswife’slament，thatweareinsomemeasurecutofffrommanyenjoymentsandpleasuresofwhichwemightotherwisepartake。Mypublicstation，aseditoroftheEatanswillGazette，thepositionwhichthatpaperholdsinthecountry，myconstantimmersioninthevortexofpolitics——
P。mydear——interposedMrs。Pott。
Mylife——saidtheeditor。
Iwish，mydear，youwouldendeavourtofindsometopicofconversationinwhichthesegentlemenmighttakesomerationalinterest。
Butmylove，saidMr。Pott，withgreathumility，Mr。Pickwickdoestakeaninterestinit。
It’swellforhimifhecan，saidMrs。Pott，emphatically。
Iamweariedoutofmylifewithyourpolitics，andquarrelswiththeIndependent，andnonsense。IamquiteastonishedP。atyourmakingsuchanexhibitionofyourabsurdity。
Butmydear——saidMr。Pott。
Oh，nonsense，don’ttalktome，saidMrs。Pott。Doyouplayecarte，sir？
Ishallbeveryhappytolearnunderyourtuition，repliedMr。Winkle。
Well，then，drawthatlittletableintothiswindow，andletmegetoutofhearingofthoseprosypolitics。
Jane，saidMr。Pott，totheservantwhobroughtincandles，godownintotheoffice，andbringmeupthefileoftheGazetteforEighteenHundredandTwentyEight。I’llreadyou——addedtheeditor，turningtoMr。Pickwick，I’lljustreadyouafewoftheleadersIwroteatthattimeupontheBuffjobofappointinganewtollmantotheturnpikehere。Iratherthinkthey’llamuseyou。Ishouldliketohearthemverymuch，indeed，saidMr。Pickwick。Upcamethefile，anddownsattheeditor，withMr。Pickwickathisside。
WehaveinvainporedovertheleavesofMr。Pickwick’snote-book，inthehopeofmeetingwithageneralsummaryofthesebeautifulcompositions。
Wehaveeveryreasontobelievethathewasperfectlyenrapturedwiththevigourandfreshnessofthestyle。indeedMr。Winklehasrecordedthefactthathiseyeswereclosed，asifwithexcessofpleasure，duringthewholetimeoftheirperusal。
Theannouncementofsupperputastoptothegameatecarte，andtherecapitulationofthebeautiesoftheEatanswillGazette。Mrs。
Pottwasinthehighestspiritsandthemostagreeablehumour。Mr。Winklehadalreadymadeconsiderableprogressinhergoodopinion，andshedidnothesitatetoinformhim，confidentially，thatMr。Pickwickwasadelightfulolddear。Thesetermsconveyafamiliarityofexpression，inwhichfewofthosewhowereintimatelyacquaintedwiththatcolossal-mindedman，wouldhavepresumedtoindulge。Wehavepreservedthem，nevertheless，asaffordingatonceatouchingandaconvincingproofoftheestimationinwhichhewasheldbyeveryclassofsociety，andtheeasewithwhichhemadehiswaytotheirheartsandfeelings。
Itwasalatehourofthenight——longafterMr。TupmanandMr。SnodgrasshadfallenasleepintheinmostrecessesofthePeacock——whenthetwofriendsretiredtorest。SlumbersoonfelluponthesensesofMr。Winkle，buthisfeelingshadbeenexcited，andhisadmirationroused。andformanyhoursaftersleephadrenderedhiminsensibletoearthlyobjects，thefaceandfigureoftheagreeableMrs。Pottpresentedthemselvesagainandagaintohiswanderingimagination。
Thenoiseandbustlewhichusheredinthemorning，weresufficienttodispelfromthemindofthemostromanticvisionaryinexistence，anyassociationsbutthosewhichwereimmediatelyconnectedwiththerapidly-approachingelection。Thebeatingofdrums，theblowingofhornsandtrumpets，theshoutingofmen，andtrampingofhorses，echoedandre-echoedthroughthestreetsfromtheearliestdawnofday。andanoccasionalfightbetweenthelightskirmishersofeitherpartyatonceenlivenedthepreparationsandagreeablydiversifiedtheircharacter。
Well，Sam，saidMr。Pickwick，ashisvaletappearedathisbed-roomdoor，justashewasconcludinghistoilet。allaliveto-day，Isuppose？
Reg’largame，sir，repliedMr。Weller。ourpeople’sacol-lectingdownattheTownArms，andthey’reaholleringthemselveshoarsealready。
Ah，saidMr。Pickwick，dotheyseemdevotedtotheirparty，Sam？
Neverseesuchdewotioninmylife，sir。
Energetic，eh？saidMr。Pickwick。
Uncommon，repliedSam。Ineverseemeneatanddrinksomuchafore。
Iwondertheya’ntafeer’do’bustin’。
That’sthemistakenkindnessofthegentryhere，saidMr。Pickwick。
Werylikely，repliedSam，briefly。
Fine，fresh，heartyfellowstheyseem，saidMr。Pickwick，glancingfromthewindow。
Weryfresh，repliedSam。me，andthetwowaitersatthePeacock，hasbeenapumpin’overtheindependentwotersassuppedtherelastnight。
Pumpingoverindependentvoters！exclaimedMr。Pickwick。
Yes，saidhisattendant，everymansleptverehefelldown。wedragged’emout，onebyone，thismornin’，andput’emunderthepump，andthey’reinreg’larfineorder，now。Shillin’aheadthecommitteepaidforthat’erejob。
Cansuchthingsbe！exclaimedtheastonishedMr。Pickwick。
Lordblessyourheart，sir，saidSam，whywherewasyouhalfbaptised？——that’snothin’，thata’nt。
Nothing？saidMr。Pickwick。
Nothin’atall，sir，repliedhisattendant。Thenightaforethelastdayo’thelastelectionhere，theoppositepartybribedthebar-maidattheTownArms，tohocusthebrandyandwateroffourteenunpolledelectorsaswasastoppin’inthehouse。
Whatdoyoumeanby`hocussing’brandyandwater？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
Puttin’laud’numinit，repliedSam。Blessedifshedid’ntsend’emalltosleeptilltwelvehoursartertheelectionwasover。Theytookonemanuptothebooth，inatruck，fastasleep，bywayofexperiment，butitwasnogo——theywouldn’tpollhim。sotheybroughthimback，andputhimtobedagain。
Strangepractices，these，saidMr。Pickwick。halfspeakingtohimselfandhalfaddressingSam。
Nothalfsostrangeasamiraculouscircumstanceashappenedtomyownfather，atanelectiontime，inthiswerryplace，sir，repliedSam。
Whatwasthat？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
Whyhedroveacoachdownhereonce，saidSam。’lectiontimecameon，andhewasengagedbyvunpartytobringdownwotersfromLondon。Nightaforehewasagoingtodriveup，committeeont’othersidesendsforhimquietly，andawayhegoesviththemessenger，whoshowshimin——largeroom——lotsofgen’l’m’n——heapsofpapers，pensandink，andallthat’ere。
`Ah，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’ninthechair，`gladtoseeyou，sir。
howareyou？’——`Werrywell，thank’ee，sir，’saysmyfather。`Ihopeyou’reprettymiddlin’，’sayshe——’Prettywell，thank’ee，sir，’saysthegen’l’m’n。
`sitdown，Mr。Weller——praysitdown，sir。’Somyfathersitsdown，andheandthegen’l’m’nlookswerryhardateachother。`Youdon’trememberme？’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Can’tsayIdo，’saysmyfather——`Oh，Iknowyou，’saysthegen’l’m’n。`know’dyouwhenyouwasaboy，’sayshe——`Well，Idon’trememberyou，’saysmyfather——`That’sveryodd，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Werry，’
saysmyfather——`Youmusthaveabadmem’ry，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Well，itisawerybad’un，’saysmyfather——`Ithoughtso，’saysthegen’l’m’n。
Sothentheypourshimoutaglassofwine，andgammonshimabouthisdriving，andgetshimintoareg’largoodhumour，andatlastshovesatwenty-poundnoteinhishand。`It’sawerrybadroadbetweenthisandLondon，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Hereandthereitisaheavyroad，’saysmyfather——`’Speciallynearthecanal，Ithink，’saysthegen’l’m’n——`Nastybitthat’ere，’saysmyfather——`Well，Mr。Weller，’saysthegen’l’m’n，`you’reawerygoodwhip，andcandowhatyoulikewithyourhorses，weknow。We’reallweryfondo’you，Mr。Weller，soincaseyoushouldhaveanaccidentwhenyou’reabringingtheseherewotersdown，andshouldtip’emoverintothecanalvithouthurtin’of’em，thisisforyourself，’sayshe——`Gen’l’m’n，you’rewerykind，’saysmyfather，`andI’lldrinkyourhealthinanotherglassofwine，’sayshe。whichhedid，andthenbuttonsupthemoney，andbowshimselfout。Youwouldn’tbelieve，sir，continuedSam，withalookofinexpressibleimpudenceathismaster，thatonthewerydayashecamedownwiththemwoters，hiscoachwasupsetonthat’ereweryspot，andev’rymanon’emwasturnedintothecanal。
Andgotoutagain？inquiredMr。Pickwick，hastily。
Why，repliedSam，veryslowly，Iratherthinkoneoldgen’l’m’nwasmissin’。Iknowhishatwasfound，butIa’n’tquitecertainwhetherhisheadwasinitornot。ButwhatIlookat，isthehex-traordinary，andwonderfulcoincidence，thatarterwhatthatgen’l’m’nsaid，myfather’scoachshouldbeupsetinthatweryplace，andonthatweryday！
Itis，nodoubt，averyextraordinarycircumstanceindeed，saidMr。
Pickwick。Butbrushmyhat，Sam，forIhearMr。Winklecallingmetobreakfast。
WiththesewordsMr。Pickwickdescendedtotheparlour，wherehefoundbreakfastlaid，andthefamilyalreadyassembled。Themealwashastilydespatched。eachofthegentleman’shatswasdecoratedwithanenormousbluefavour，madeupbythefairhandsofMrs。Pottherself。andasMr。
Winklehadundertakentoescortthatladytoahouse-top，intheimmediatevicinityofthehustings，Mr。PickwickandMr。PottrepairedalonetotheTownArms，fromthebackwindowofwhich，oneofMr。Slumkey’scommitteewasaddressingsixsmallboys，andonegirl，whomhedignified，ateverysecondsentence，withtheimposingtitleofmenofEatanswill，whereatthesixsmallboysaforesaidcheeredprodigiously。
Thestable-yardexhibitedunequivocalsymptomsofthegloryandstrengthoftheEatanswillBlues。Therewasaregulararmyofblueflags，somewithonehandle，andsomewithtwo，exhibitingappropriatedevices，ingoldencharactersfourfeethigh，andstoutinproportion。Therewasagrandbandoftrumpets，bassoonsanddrums，marshalledfourabreast，andearningtheirmoney，ifevermendid，especiallythedrumbeaters，whowereverymuscular。
Therewerebodiesofconstableswithbluestaves，twentycommittee-menwithbluescarfs，andamobofvoterswithbluecockades。Therewereelectorsonhorseback，andelectorsa-foot。Therewasanopencarriageandfour，forthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。andtherewerefourcarriagesandpair，forhisfriendsandsupporters。andtheflagswererustling，andthebandwasplaying，andtheconstableswereswearing，andthetwentycommittee-menweresquabbling，andthemobwereshouting，andthehorseswerebacking，andthepost-boysperspiring。andeverybody，andeverything，thenandthereassembled，wasforthespecialuse，behoof，honour，andrenown，ofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，oneofthecandidatesfortherepresentationoftheBoroughofEatanswill，intheCommonsHouseofParliamentoftheUnitedKingdom。
Loudandlongwerethecheers，andmightywastherustlingofoneoftheblueflags，withLibertyofthePressinscribedthereon，whenthesandyheadofMr。Pottwasdiscernedinoneofthewindows，bythemobbeneath。andtremendouswastheenthusiasmwhenthehonourableSamuelSlumkeyhimself，intop-boots，andablueneckerchief，advancedandseizedthehandofthesaidPott，andmelodramaticallytestifiedbygesturestothecrowd，hisineffaceableobligationstotheEatanswillGazette。
Iseverythingready？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkeytoMr。Perker。
Everything，mydearsir，wasthelittleman’sreply。
Nothinghasbeenomitted，Ihope？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。
Nothinghasbeenleftundone，mydearsir——nothingwhatever。Therearetwentywashedmenatthestreetdoorforyoutoshakehandswith。andsixchildreninarmsthatyou’retopatonthehead，andinquiretheageof。beparticularaboutthechildren，mydearsir，——ithasalwaysagreateffect，thatsortofthing。
I’lltakecare，saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。
And，perhaps，mydearsir——saidthecautiouslittleman，perhapsifyoucould——Idon’tmeantosayit’sindispensable——butifyoucouldmanagetokissoneof’em，itwouldproduceaverygreatimpressiononthecrowd。
Wouldn’tithaveasgoodaneffectiftheproposerorseconderdidthat？saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey。
Why，Iamafraiditwouldn’t，repliedtheagent。ifitweredonebyyourself，mydearsir，Ithinkitwouldmakeyouverypopular。
Verywell，saidthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，witharesignedair，thenitmustbedone。That’sall。
Arrangetheprocession，criedthetwentycommittee-men。
Amidstthecheersoftheassembledthrong，theband，andtheconstables，andthecommittee-men，andthevoters，andthehorsemen，andthecarriages，tooktheirplaces——eachofthetwo-horsevehiclesbeingcloselypackedwithasmanygentlemenascouldmanagetostanduprightinit。andthatassignedtoMr。Perker，containingMr。Pickwick，Mr。Tupman，Mr。Snodgrass，andabouthalfadozenofthecommitteebeside。
TherewasamomentofawfulsuspenseastheprocessionwaitedforthehonourableSamuelSlumkeytostepintohiscarriage。Suddenlythecrowdsetupagreatcheering。
Hehascomeout，saidlittleMr。Perker，greatlyexcited。themoresoastheirpositiondidnotenablethemtoseewhatwasgoingforward。
Anothercheer，muchlouder。
Hehasshakenhandswiththemen，criedthelittleagent。
Anothercheer，farmorevehement。
Hehaspattedthebabiesonthehead，saidMr。Perker，tremblingwithanxiety。
Aroarofapplausethatrenttheair。
Hehaskissedoneof’em！exclaimedthedelightedlittleman。
Asecondroar。
Hehaskissedanother，gaspedtheexcitedmanager。
Athirdroar。
He’skissing’emall！screamedtheenthusiasticlittlegentleman。
Andhailedbythedeafeningshoutsofthemultitude，theprocessionmovedon。
Howorbywhatmeansitbecamemixedupwiththeotherprocession，andhowitwaseverextricatedfromtheconfusionconsequentthereupon，ismorethanwecanundertaketodescribe，inasmuchasMr。Pickwick’shatwasknockedoverhiseyes，nose，andmouth，byonepokeofaBuffflag-staff，veryearlyintheproceedings。Hedescribeshimselfasbeingsurroundedoneveryside，whenhecouldcatchaglimpseofthescene，byangryandferociouscountenances，byavastcloudofdust，andbyadensecrowdofcombatants。Herepresentshimselfasbeingforcedfromthecarriagebysomeunseenpower，andbeingpersonallyengagedinapugilisticencounter。
butwithwhom，orhow，orwhy，heiswhollyunabletostate。Hethenfelthimselfforcedupsomewoodenstepsbythepersonsfrombehind。andonremovinghishat，foundhimselfsurroundedbyhisfriends，intheveryfrontoftheleft-handsideofthehustings。TherightwasreservedfortheBuffparty，andthecentrefortheMayorandhisofficers。oneofwhom——thefatcrierofEatanswill——wasringinganenormousbell，bythewayofcommandingsilence，whileMr。HoratioFizkin，andthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，withtheirhandsupontheirhearts，werebowingwiththeutmostaffabilitytothetroubledseaofheadsthatinundatedtheopenspaceinfront。andfromwhencearoseastormofgroans，andshouts，andyells，andhootings，thatwouldhavedonehonourtoanearthquake。
There’sWinkle，saidMr。Tupman，pullinghisfriendbythesleeve。
Where？saidMr。Pickwick，puttingonhisspectacles，whichhehadfortunatelykeptinhispockethitherto。
There，saidMr。Tupman，onthetopofthathouse。
Andthere，sureenough，intheleadengutterofatiledroof，wereMr。
WinkleandMrs。Pott，comfortablyseatedinacoupleofchairs，wavingtheirhandkerchiefsintokenofrecognition——acomplimentwhichMr。Pickwickreturnedbykissinghishandtothelady。
Theproceedingshadnotyetcommenced。andasaninactivecrowdisgenerallydisposedtobejocose，thisveryinnocentactionwassufficienttoawakentheirfacetiousness。
Ohyouwickedoldrascal，criedonevoice，lookingarterthegirls，areyou？
Ohyouwenerablesinner，criedanother。
Puttingonhisspectaclestolookatamarried’ooman！saidathird。
Iseehimawinkin’ather，withhiswickedoldeye，shoutedafourth。
Lookarteryourwife，Pott，bellowedafifth——andthentherewasaroaroflaughter。
AsthesetauntswereaccompaniedwithinvidiouscomparisonsbetweenMr。Pickwickandanagedram，andseveralwitticismsofthelikenature。
andastheymoreoverrathertendedtoconveyreflectionsuponthehonourofaninnocentlady，Mr。Pickwick’sindignationwasexcessive。butassilencewasproclaimedatthemoment，hecontentedhimselfbyscorchingthemobwithalookofpityfortheirmisguidedminds，atwhichtheylaughedmoreboisterouslythanever。
Silence！roaredtheMayor’sattendants。
Whiffin，proclaimsilence，saidtheMayor，withanairofpompbefittinghisloftystation。Inobediencetothiscommandthecrierperformedanotherconcertoonthebell，whereuponagentlemaninthecrowdcalledoutmuffins。
whichoccasionedanotherlaugh。
Gentlemen，saidtheMayor，atasloudapitchashecouldpossiblyforcehisvoiceto，Gentlemen。BrotherelectorsoftheBoroughofEatanswill。
Wearemethereto-dayforthepurposeofchoosingarepresentativeintheroomofourlate——
HeretheMayorwasinterruptedbyavoiceinthecrowd。
Suc-cesstotheMayor！criedthevoice，andmayheneverdesertthenailandsarspanbusiness，ashegothismoneyby。
Thisallusiontotheprofessionalpursuitsoftheoratorwasreceivedwithastormofdelight，which，withabell-accompaniment，renderedtheremainderofhisspeechinaudible，withtheexceptionoftheconcludingsentence，inwhichhethankedthemeetingforthepatientattentionwithwhichtheyhadheardhimthroughout，——anexpressionofgratitudewhichelicitedanotherburstofmirth，ofaboutaquarterofanhour’sduration。
Next，atallthingentleman，inaverystiffwhitenecker-chief，afterbeingrepeatedlydesiredbythecrowdtosendaboyhome，toaskwhetherhehadn’tlefthiswoiceunderthepillow，beggedtonominateafitandproperpersontorepresenttheminParliament。AndwhenhesaiditwasHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，nearEatanswill，theFizkinitesapplauded，andtheSlumkeyitesgroaned，solong，andsoloudly，thatbothheandthesecondermighthavesungcomicsongsinlieuofspeaking，withoutanybody’sbeingabitthewiser。
ThefriendsofHoratioFizkin，Esquire，havinghadtheirinnings，alittlecholeric，pink-facedmanstoodforwardtoproposeanotherfitandproperpersontorepresenttheelectorsofEatanswillinParliament。andveryswimminglythepink-facedgentlemanwouldhavegoneon，ifhehadnotbeenrathertoocholerictoentertainasufficientperceptionofthefunofthecrowd。Butafteraveryfewsentencesoffigurativeeloquence，thepink-facedgentlemangotfromdenouncingthosewhointerruptedhiminthemob，toexchangingdefianceswiththegentlemenonthehustings。
whereuponaroseanuproarwhichreducedhimtothenecessityofexpressinghisfeelingsbyseriouspantomime，whichhedid，andthenleftthestagetohisseconder，whodeliveredawrittenspeechofhalfanhour’slength，andwouldn’tbestopped，becausehehadsentitalltotheEatanswillGazette，andtheEatanswillGazettehadalreadyprintedit，everyword。
ThenHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，nearEatanswill，presentedhimselfforthepurposeofaddressingtheelectors。whichhenosoonerdid，thanthebandemployedbythehonourableSamuelSlumkey，commencedperformingwithapowertowhichtheirstrengthinthemorningwasatrifle。
inreturnforwhich，theBuffcrowdbelabouredtheheadsandshouldersoftheBluecrowd。onwhichtheBluecrowdendeavouredtodispossessthemselvesoftheirveryunpleasantneighbourstheBuffcrowd。andasceneofstruggling，andpushing，andfighting，succeeded，towhichwecannomoredojusticethantheMayorcould，althoughheissuedimperativeorderstotwelveconstablestoseizetheringleaders，whomightamountinnumbertotwohundredandfifty，orthereabouts。Atalltheseencounters，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，andhisfriends，waxedfierceandfurious。untilatlastHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，beggedtoaskhisopponentthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，whetherthatbandplayedbyhisconsent。whichquestionthehonourableSamuelSlumkeydecliningtoanswer，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，shookhisfistinthecountenanceofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall。uponwhichthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，hisbloodbeingup，defiedHoratioFizkin，Esquire，tomortalcombat。Atthisviolationofallknownrulesandprecedentsoforder，theMayorcommandedanotherfantasiaonthebell，anddeclaredthathewouldbringbeforehimself，bothHoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，andthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，andbindthemovertokeepthepeace。Uponthisterrificdenunciation，thesupportersofthetwocandidatesinterfered，andafterthefriendsofeachpartyhadquarrelledinpairs，forthree-quartersofanhour，HoratioFizkin，Esquire，touchedhishattothehonourableSamuelSlumkey：thehonourableSamuelSlumkeytouchedhistoHoratioFizkin，Esquire：thebandwasstopped：thecrowdwerepartiallyquieted：andHoratioFizkin，Esquire，waspermittedtoproceed。
Thespeechesofthetwocandidates，thoughdifferingineveryotherrespect，affordedabeautifultributetothemeritandhighworthoftheelectorsofEatanswill。Bothexpressedtheiropinionthatamoreindependent，amoreenlightened，amorepublic-spirited，amorenoble-minded，amoredisinterestedsetofmenthanthosewhohadpromisedtovoteforhim，neverexistedonearth。eachdarklyhintedhissuspicionsthattheelectorsintheoppositeinteresthadcertainswinishandbesottedinfirmitieswhichrenderedthemunfitfortheexerciseoftheimportantdutiestheywerecalledupontodischarge。Fizkinexpressedhisreadinesstodoanythinghewaswanted。Slumkey，hisdeterminationtodonothingthatwasaskedofhim。Bothsaidthatthetrade，themanufactures，thecommerce，theprosperityofEatanswill，wouldeverbedearertotheirheartsthananyearthlyobject。
andeachhaditinhispowertostate，withtheutmostconfidence，thathewasthemanwhowouldeventuallybereturned。
Therewasashowofhands。theMayordecidedinfavourofthehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall。HoratioFizkin，Esquire，ofFizkinLodge，demandedapoll，andapollwasfixedaccordingly。ThenavoteofthankswasmovedtotheMayorforhisableconductinthechair。andtheMayordevoutlywishingthathehadhadachairtodisplayhisableconductinforhehadbeenstandingduringthewholeproceedings，returnedthanks。
Theprocessionsre-formed，thecarriagesrolledslowlythroughthecrowd，anditsmembersscreechedandshoutedafterthemastheirfeelingsorcapricedictated。
Duringthewholetimeofthepolling，thetownwasinaperpetualfeverofexcitement。Everythingwasconductedonthemostliberalanddelightfulscale。Exciseablearticleswereremarkablycheapatallthepublic-houses。
andspringvansparadedthestreetsfortheaccommodationofvoterswhowereseizedwithanytemporarydizzinessinthehead——anepidemicwhichprevailedamongtheelectors，duringthecontest，toamostalarmingextent，andundertheinfluenceofwhichtheymightfrequentlybeseenlyingonthepavementsinastateofutterinsensibility。Asmallbodyofelectorsremainedunpolledontheverylastday。Theywerecalculatingandreflectingpersons，whohadnotyetbeenconvincedbytheargumentsofeitherparty，althoughtheyhadhadfrequentconferenceswitheach。Onehourbeforethecloseofthepoll，Mr。Perkersolicitedthehonourofaprivateinterviewwiththeseintelligent，thesenoble，thesepatrioticmen。Itwasgranted。
Hisargumentswerebrief，butsatisfactory。Theywentinabodytothepoll。andwhentheyreturned，thehonourableSamuelSlumkey，ofSlumkeyHall，wasreturnedalso。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter14[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXIVCOMPRISINGABRIEFDESCRIPTIONOFTHECOMPANYAT
THEPEACOCKASSEMBLED。ANDATALETOLDBYABAGMAN
ITispleasanttoturnfromcontemplatingthestrifeandturmoilofpoliticalexistence，tothepeacefulreposeofprivatelife。
Althoughinrealitynogreatpartisanofeitherside。Mr。PickwickwassufficientlyfiredwithMr。Pott’senthusiasm，toapplyhiswholetimeandattentiontotheproceedings，ofwhichthelastchapteraffordsadescriptioncompiledfromhisownmemoranda。NorwhilehewasthusoccupiedwasMr。
Winkleidle，hiswholetimebeingdevotedtopleasantwalksandshortcountryexcursionswithMrs。Pott，whoneverfailed，whensuchanopportunitypresenteditself，toseeksomerelieffromthetediousmonotonyshesoconstantlycomplainedof。ThetwogentlemenbeingthuscompletelydomesticatedintheEditor’shouse，Mr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasswereinagreatmeasurecastupontheirownresources。Takingbutlittleinterestinpublicaffairs，theybeguiledtheirtimechieflywithsuchamusementsasthePeacockafforded，whichwerelimitedtoabagatelle-boardinthefirstfloor，andasequesteredskittle-groundinthebackyard。Inthescienceandnicetyofboththeserecreations，whicharefarmoreabstrusethanordinarymensuppose，theyweregraduallyinitiatedbyMr。Weller，whopossessedaperfectknowledgeofsuchpastimes。Thus，notwithstandingthattheywereinagreatmeasuredeprivedofthecomfortandadvantageofMr。Pickwick’ssociety，theywerestillenabledtobeguilethetime，andtopreventitshangingheavilyontheirhands。
Itwasintheevening，however，thatthePeacockpresentedattractionswhichenabledthetwofriendstoresisteventheinvitationsofthegifted，thoughprosy，Pott。Itwasintheeveningthatthecommercialroomwasfilledwithasocialcircle，whosecharactersandmannersitwasthedelightofMr。Tupmantoobserve。whosesayingsanddoingsitwasthehabitofMr。Snodgrasstonotedown。
Mostpeopleknowwhatsortofplacescommercialroomsusuallyare。ThatofthePeacockdifferedinnomaterialrespectfromthegeneralityofsuchapartments。thatistosay，itwasalargebare-lookingroom，thefurnitureofwhichhadnodoubtbeenbetterwhenitwasnewer，withaspacioustableinthecentre，andavarietyofsmallerdittosinthecorners：anextensiveassortmentofvariouslyshapedchairs，andanoldTurkeycarpet，bearingaboutthesamerelativeproportiontothesizeoftheroom，asalady’spocket-handkerchiefmighttothefloorofawatch-box。Thewallsweregarnishedwithoneortwolargemaps。andseveralweather-beatenroughgreatcoats，withcomplicatedcapes，dangledfromalongrowofpegsinonecorner。
Themantelshelfwasornamentedwithawoodeninkstand，containingonestumpofapen，andhalfawafer：aroad-bookanddirectory：acountyhistoryminusthecover：andthemortalremainsofatroutinaglasscoffin。Theatmospherewasredolentoftobacco-smoke，thefumesofwhichhadcommunicatedaratherdingyhuetothewholeroom，andmoreespeciallytothedustyredcurtainswhichshadedthewindows。Onthesideboardavarietyofmiscellaneousarticleswerehuddledtogether，themostconspicuousofwhichweresomeverycloudyfish-saucecruets，acoupleofdriving-boxes，twoorthreewhips，andasmanytravellingshawls，atrayofknivesandforks，andthemustard。
HereitwasthatMr。TupmanandMr。Snodgrasswereseatedontheeveningaftertheconclusionoftheelection，withseveralothertemporaryinmatesofthehouse，smokinganddrinking。
Well，gents，saidastout，halepersonageofaboutforty，withonlyoneeye——averybrightblackeye，whichtwinkledwitharoguishexpressionoffunandgoodhumour，ournobleselves，gents。Ialwaysproposethattoasttothecompany，anddrinkMarytomyself。Eh，Mary！
Getalongwithyou，youwretch，saidthehand-maiden，obviouslynotillpleasedwiththecompliment，however。
Don’tgoaway，Mary，saidtheblack-eyedman。
Letmealone，imperence，saidtheyounglady。
Nevermind，saidtheone-eyedman，callingafterthegirlasshelefttheroom。I’llstepoutbyandby，Mary。Keepyourspiritsup，dear。
Herehewentthroughthenotverydifficultprocessofwinkinguponthecompanywithhissolitaryeye，totheenthusiasticdelightofanelderlypersonagewithadirtyfaceandaclaypipe。
Rumcreetersiswomen，saidthedirty-facedman，afterapause。
Ah！nomistakeaboutthat，saidaveryred-facedman，behindacigar。
Afterthislittlebitofphilosophytherewasanotherpause。
There’srummerthingsthanwomeninthisworldthough，mindyou，saidthemanwiththeblackeye，slowlyfillingalargeDutchpipe，withamostcapaciousbowl。
Areyoumarried？inquiredthedirty-facedman。
Can’tsayIam。
Ithoughtnot。Herethedirty-facedmanfellintofitsofmirthathisownretort，inwhichhewasjoinedbyamanofblandvoiceandplacidcountenance，whoalwaysmadeitapointtoagreewitheverybody。
Women，afterall，gentlemen，saidtheenthusiasticMr。Snodgrass，arethegreatpropsandcomfortsofourexistence。
Sotheyare，saidtheplacidgentleman。
Whenthey’reinagoodhumour，interposedthedirty-facedman。
Andthat’sverytrue，saidtheplacidone。
Irepudiatethatqualification，saidMr。Snodgrass，whosethoughtswerefastrevertingtoEmilyWardle，Irepudiateitwithdisdain——withindignation。Showmethemanwhosaysanythingagainstwomen，aswomen，andIboldlydeclareheisnotaman。AndMr。Snodgrasstookhiscigarfromhismouth，andstruckthetableviolentlywithhisclenchedfist。
That’sgoodsoundargument，saidtheplacidman。
ContainingapositionwhichIdeny，interruptedheofthedirtycountenance。
Andthere’scertainlyaverygreatdealoftruthinwhatyouobservetoo，sir，saidtheplacidgentleman。
Yourhealth，sir，saidthebagmanwiththelonelyeye，bestowinganapprovingnodonMr。Snodgrass。
Mr。Snodgrassacknowledgedthecompliment。
Ialwaysliketohearagoodargument，continuedthebagman，asharpone，likethis。it’sveryimproving。butthislittleargumentaboutwomenbroughttomymindastoryIhaveheardanolduncleofminetell，therecollectionofwhich，justnow，mademesaytherewererummerthingsthanwomentobemetwith，sometimes。
Ishouldliketohearthatsamestory，saidthered-facedmanwiththecigar。
Shouldyou？wastheonlyreplyofthebagman，whocontinuedtosmokewithgreatvehemence。
SoshouldI，saidMr。Tupman，speakingforthefirsttime。Hewasalwaysanxioustoincreasehisstockofexperience。
Shouldyou？Wellthen，I’lltellit。NoIwon’t。Iknowyouwon’tbelieveit，saidthemanwiththeroguisheye，makingthatorganlookmoreroguishthanever。
Ifyousayit’strue，ofcourseIshall，saidMr。Tupman。
Well，uponthatunderstandingI’lltellyou，repliedthetraveller。
DidyoueverhearofthegreatcommercialhouseofBilsonandSlum？Butitdoesn’tmatterthough，whetheryoudidornot，becausetheyretiredfrombusinesslongsince。It’seightyyearsago，sincethecircumstancehappenedtoatravellerforthathouse，buthewasaparticularfriendofmyuncle’s。andmyuncletoldthestorytome。It’saqueername。butheusedtocallitTHEBAGMAN’SSTORY，andheusedtotellit，somethinginthisway。
Onewinter’sevening，aboutfiveo’clock，justasitbegantogrowdusk，amaninagigmighthavebeenseenurginghistiredhorsealongtheroadwhichleadsacrossMarlboroughDowns，inthedirectionofBristol。
Isayhemighthavebeenseen，andIhavenodoubthewouldhavebeen，ifanybodybutablindmanhadhappenedtopassthatway。buttheweatherwassobad，andthenightsocoldandwet，thatnothingwasoutbutthewater，andsothetravellerjoggedalonginthemiddleoftheroad，lonesomeanddrearyenough。Ifanybagmanofthatdaycouldhavecaughtsightofthelittleneck-or-nothingsortofgig，withaclay-colouredbodyandredwheels，andthevixenishill-tempered，fast-goingbaymare，thatlookedlikeacrossbetweenabutcher’shorseandatwo-pennypost-officepony，hewouldhaveknownatonce，thatthistravellercouldhavebeennootherthanTomSmart，ofthegreathouseofBilsonandSlum，CateatonStreet，City。However，astherewasnobagmantolookon，nobodyknewanythingatallaboutthematter。andsoTomSmartandhisclay-colouredgigwiththeredwheels，andthevixenishmarewiththefastpace，wentontogether，keepingthesecretamongthem：andnobodywasabitthewiser。
Therearemanypleasanterplaceseveninthisdrearyworld，thanMarlboroughDownswhenitblowshard。andifyouthrowinbeside，agloomywinter’sevening，amiryandsloppyroad，andapeltingfallofheavyrain，andtrytheeffect，bywayofexperiment，inyourownproperperson，youwillexperiencethefullforceofthisobservation。
Thewindblew——notuptheroadordownit，thoughthat’sbadenough，butsheeracrossit，sendingtherainslantingdownlikethelinestheyusedtoruleinthecopy-booksatschool，tomaketheboysslopewell。
Foramomentitwoulddieaway，andthetravellerwouldbegintodeludehimselfintothebeliefthat，exhaustedwithitspreviousfury，ithadquietlylainitselfdowntorest，when，whoo！hewouldhearitgrowlingandwhistlinginthedistance，andonitwouldcomerushingoverthehill-tops，andsweepingalongtheplain，gatheringsoundandstrengthasitdrewnearer，untilitdashedwithaheavygustagainsthorseandman，drivingthesharprainintotheirears，anditscolddampbreathintotheirverybones。andpastthemitwouldscour，far，faraway，withastunningroar，asifinridiculeoftheirweakness，andtiumphantintheconsciousnessofitsownstrengthandpower。
Thebaymaresplashedaway，throughthemudandwaterwithdroopingears。nowandthentossingherheadasiftoexpressherdisgustatthisveryungentlemanlybehaviouroftheelements，butkeepingagoodpacenotwithstanding，untilagustofwind，morefuriousthananythathadyetassailedthem，causedhertostopsuddenlyandplantherfourfeetfirmlyagainsttheground，topreventherbeingblownover。It’saspecialmercythatshedidthis，forifshehadbeenblownover，thevixenishmarewassolight，andthegigwassolight，andTomSmartsuchalightweightintothebargain，thattheymustinfalliblyhaveallgonerollingoverandovertogether，untiltheyreachedtheconfinesofearth，oruntilthewindfell。
andineithercasetheprobabilityis，thatneitherthevixenishmare，northeclay-colouredgigwiththeredwheels，norTomSmart，wouldeverhavebeenfitforserviceagain。
`Well，damnmystrapsandwhiskers，’saysTomSmartTomsometimeshadanunpleasantknackofswearing，`Damnmystrapsandwhiskers，’saysTom，`ifthisain’tpleasant，blowme！’
You’llverylikelyaskmewhy，asTomSmarthadbeenprettywellblownalready，heexpressedthiswishtobesubmittedtothesameprocessagain。
Ican’tsay——allIknowis，thatTomSmartsaidso——oratleasthealwaystoldmyunclehesaidso，andit’sjustthesamething。
`Blowme’，saysTomSmart。andthemareneighedasifshewerepreciselyofthesameopinion。
`Cheerup，oldgirl，’saidTom，pattingthebaymareontheneckwiththeendofhiswhip。`Itwon’tdopushingon，suchanightasthis。thefirsthousewecometowe’llputup，at，sothefasteryougothesoonerit’sover。Soho，oldgirl——gently——gently。’
WhetherthevixenishmarewassufficientlywellacquaintedwiththetonesofTom’svoicetocomprehendhismeaning，orwhethershefounditcolderstandingstillthanmovingon，ofcourseIcan’tsay。ButIcansaythatTomhadnosoonerfinishedspeaking，thansheprickedupherears，andstartedforwardataspeedwhichmadetheclay-colouredgigrattletillyouwouldhavesupposedeveryoneoftheredspokesweregoingtoflyoutontheturfofMarlboroughDowns。andevenTom，whipashewas，couldn’tstoporcheckherpace，untilshedrewup，ofherownaccord，beforearoad-sideinnontheright-handsideoftheway，abouthalfaquarterofamilefromtheendoftheDowns。
Tomcastahastyglanceattheupperpartofthehouseashethrewthereinstothehostler，andstuckthewhipinthebox。Itwasastrangeoldplace，builtofakindofshingle，inlaid，asitwere，withcross-beams，withgabled-toppedwindowsprojectingcompletelyoverthepathway，andalowdoorwithadarkporch，andacoupleofsteepstepsleadingdownintothehouse，insteadofthemodernfashionofhalfadozenshallowonesleadinguptoit。Itwasacomfortable-lookingplacethough，fortherewasastrongcheerfullightinthebar-window，whichshedabrightrayacrosstheroad，andevenlightedupthehedgeontheotherside。andtherewasaredflickeringlightintheoppositewindow，onemomentbutfaintlydiscernible，andthenextgleamingstronglythroughthedrawncurtains，whichintimatedthatarousingfirewasblazingwithin。Markingtheselittleevidenceswiththeeyeofanexperiencedtraveller，Tomdismountedwithasmuchagilityashishalf-frozenlimbswouldpermit，andenteredthehouse。
Inlessthanfiveminutes’time，Tomwasensconcedintheroomoppositethebar——theveryroomwherehehadimaginedthefireblazing——beforeasubstantialmatter-of-factroaringfire，composedofsomethingshortofabushelofcoals，andwoodenoughtomakehalfadozendecentgooseberrybushes，piledhalfwayupthechimney，androaringandcracklingwithasoundthatofitselfwouldhavewarmedtheheartofanyreasonableman。
Thiswascomfortable，butthiswasnotall，forasmartly-dressedgirl，withabrighteyeandaneatankle，waslayingaverycleanwhiteclothonthetable。andasTomsatwithhisslipperedfeetonthefender，andhisbacktotheopendoor，hesawacharmingprospectofthebarreflectedintheglassoverthechimney-piece，withdelightfulrowsofgreenbottlesandgoldlabels，togetherwithjarsofpicklesandpreserves，andcheesesandboiledhams，androundsofbeef，arrangedonshelvesinthemosttemptinganddeliciousarray。Well，thiswascomfortabletoo。buteventhiswasnotall——forinthebar，seatedatteaatthenicestpossiblelittletable，drawncloseupbeforethebrightestpossiblelittlefire，wasabuxomwidowofsomewhereabouteightandfortyorthereabouts，withafaceascomfortableasthebar，whowasevidentlythelandladyofthehouse，andthesupremeruleroveralltheseagreeablepossessions。Therewasonlyonedrawbacktothebeautyofthewholepicture，andthatwasatallman——averytallman——inabrowncoatandbrightbasketbuttons，andblackwhiskers，andwavyblackhair，whowasseatedatteawiththewidow，andwhoitrequirednogreatpenetrationtodiscoverwasinafairwayofpersuadinghertobeawidownolonger，buttoconferuponhimtheprivilegeofsittingdowninthatbar，forandduringthewholeremainderofthetermofhisnaturallife。
TomSmartwasbynomeansofanirritableorenviousdisposition，butsomehoworotherthetallmanwiththebrowncoatandthebrightbasketbuttonsdidrousewhatlittlegallhehadinhiscomposition，anddidmakehimfeelextremelyindignant：themoreespeciallyashecouldnowandthenobserve，fromhisseatbeforetheglass，certainlittleaffectionatefamiliaritiespassingbetweenthetallmanandthewidow，whichsufficientlydenotedthatthetallmanwasashighinfavourashewasinsize。Tomwasfondofhotpunch——Imayventuretosayhewasveryfondofhotpunch——andafterhehadseenthevixenishmarewellfedandwelllittereddown，andhadeateneverybitofthenicelittlehotdinnerwhichthewidowtossedupforhimwithherownhands，hejustorderedatumblerofit，bywayofexperiment。Now，iftherewasonethinginthewholerangeofdomesticart，whichthewidowcouldmanufacturebetterthananother，itwasthisidenticalarticle。andthefirsttumblerwasadaptedtoTomSmart’stastewithsuchpeculiarnicety，thatheorderedasecondwiththeleastpossibledelay。Hotpunchisapleasantthing，gentlemen——anextremelypleasantthingunderanycircumstances——butinthatsnugoldparlour，beforetheroaringfire，withthewindblowingoutsidetilleverytimberintheoldhousecreakedagain，TomSmartfounditperfectlydelightful。Heorderedanothertumbler，andthenanother——Iamnotquitecertainwhetherhedidn’torderanotherafterthat——butthemorehedrankofthehotpunch，themorehethoughtofthetallman。
`Confoundhisimpudence！’saidTomtohimself，`whatbusinesshasheinthatsnugbar？Suchanuglyvillaintoo！’saidTom。`Ifthewidowhadanytaste，shemightsurelypickupsomebetterfellowthanthat。’HereTom’seyewanderedfromtheglassonthechimney-piece，totheglassonthetable。andashefelthimselfbecomegraduallysentimental，heemptiedthefourthtumblerofpunchandorderedafifth。
TomSmart，gentlemen，hadalwaysbeenverymuchattachedtothepublicline。Ithadlongbeenhisambitiontostandinabarofhisown，inagreencoat，knee-cords，andtops。Hehadagreatnotionoftakingthechairatconvivialdinners，andhehadoftenthoughthowwellhecouldpresideinaroomofhisowninthetalkingway，andwhatacapitalexamplehecouldsettohiscustomersinthedrinkingdepartment。AllthesethingspassedrapidlythroughTom’smindashesatdrinkingthehotpunchbytheroaringfire，andhefeltveryjustlyandproperlyindignantthatthetallmanshouldbeinafairwayofkeepingsuchanexcellenthouse，whilehe，TomSmart，wasasfarfromitasever。So，afterdeliberatingoverthelasttwotumblers，whetherhehadn’taperfectrighttopickaquarrelwiththetallmanforhavingcontrivedtogetintothegoodgracesofthebuxomwidow，TomSmartatlastarrivedatthesatisfactoryconclusionthathewasaveryill-usedandpersecutedindividual，andhadbettergotobed。
UpawideandancientstaircasethesmartgirlprecededTom，shadingthechambercandlewithherhand，toprotectitfromthecurrentsofairwhichinsucharamblingoldplacemighthavefoundplentyofroomtodisportthemselvesin，withoutblowingthecandleout，butwhichdidblowitoutnevertheless。thusaffordingTom’senemiesanopportunityofassertingthatitwashe，andnotthewind，whoextinguishedthecandle，andthatwhilehepretendedtobeblowingitalightagain，hewasinfactkissingthegirl。Bethisasitmay，anotherlightwasobtained，andTomwasconductedthroughamazeofrooms，andalabyrinthofpassages，totheapartmentwhichhadbeenpreparedforhisreception，wherethegirlbadehimgoodnight，andlefthimalone。
Itwasagoodlargeroomwithbigclosets，andabedwhichmighthaveservedforawholeboarding-school，tosaynothingofacoupleofoakenpressesthatwouldhaveheldthebaggageofasmallarmy。butwhatstruckTom’sfancymostwasastrange，grim-lookinghigh-backedchair，carvedinthemostfantasticmanner，withaflowereddamaskcushion，andtheroundknobsatthebottomofthelegscarefullytiedupinredcloth，asifithadgotthegoutinitstoes。Ofanyotherqueerchair，Tomwouldonlyhavethoughtitwasaqueerchair，andtherewouldhavebeenanendofthematter。buttherewassomethingaboutthisparticularchair，andyethecouldn’ttellwhatitwas，sooddandsounlikeanyotherpieceoffurniturehehadeverseen，thatitseemedtofascinatehim。Hesatdownbeforethefire，andstaredattheoldchairforhalfanhour——Deucetakethechair，itwassuchastrangeoldthing，hecouldn’ttakehiseyesoffit。
`Well，’saidTom，slowlyundressinghimself，andstaringattheoldchairallthewhile，whichstoodwithamysteriousaspectbythebed-side，`Ineversawsucharumconcernasthatinmydays。Veryodd，’saidTom，whohadgotrathersagewiththehotpunch，`Veryodd。’Tomshookhisheadwithanairofprofoundwisdom，andlookedatthechairagain。Hecouldn’tmakeanythingofitthough，sohegotintobed，coveredhimselfupwarm，andfellasleep。
Inabouthalfanhour，Tomwokeup，withastart，fromaconfuseddreamoftallmenandtumblersofpunch：andthefirstobjectthatpresenteditselftohiswakingimaginationwasthequeerchair。
`Iwon’tlookatitanymore，’saidTomtohimself，andhesqueezedhiseyelidstogether，andtriedtopersuadehimselfhewasgoingtosleepagain。Nouse。nothingbutqueerchairsdancedbeforehiseyes，kickinguptheirlegs，jumpingovereachother’sbacks，andplayingallkindsofantics。
`Imayaswellseeonerealchair，astwoorthreecompletesetsoffalseones，’saidTom，bringingouthisheadfromunderthebed-clothes。
Thereitwas，plainlydiscerniblebythelightofthefire，lookingasprovokingasever。
Tomgazedatthechair。and，suddenlyashelookedatit，amostextraordinarychangeseemedtocomeoverit。Thecarvingofthebackgraduallyassumedthelineamentsandexpressionofanoldshrivelledhumanface。thedamaskcushionbecameanantique，flappedwaistcoat。theroundknobsgrewintoacoupleoffeet，encasedinredclothslippers。andtheoldchairlookedlikeaveryuglyoldman，ofthepreviouscentury，withhisarmsa-kimbo。
Tomsatupinbed，andrubbedhiseyestodispeltheillusion。No。Thechairwasanuglyoldgentleman。andwhatwasmore，hewaswinkingatTomSmart。
Tomwasnaturallyaheadlong，carelesssortofdog，andhehadhadfivetumblersofhotpunchintothebargain。so，althoughhewasalittlestartledatfirst，hebegantogrowratherindignantwhenhesawtheoldgentlemanwinkingandleeringathimwithsuchanimpudentair。Atlengthheresolvedthathewouldn’tstandit。andastheoldfacestillkeptwinkingawayasfastasever，Tomsaid，inaveryangrytone：
`Whatthedevilareyouwinkingatmefor？’
`BecauseIlikeit，TomSmart，’saidthechair。ortheoldgentleman，whicheveryouliketocallhim。Hestoppedwinkingthough，whenTomspoke，andbegangrinninglikeasuperannuatedmonkey。
`Howdoyouknowmyname，oldnut-crackerface！’inquiredTomSmart，ratherstaggered——thoughhepretendedtocarryitoffsowell。
`Come，come，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，`that’snotthewaytoaddresssolidSpanishMahogany。Dam’me，youcouldn’ttreatmewithlessrespectifIwasveneered。’Whentheoldgentlemansaidthis，helookedsofiercethatTombegantobefrightened。
`Ididn’tmeantotreatyouwithanydisrespect，sir，’saidTom。inamuchhumblertonethanhehadspokeninatfirst。
`Well，well，’saidtheoldfellow，`perhapsnot——perhapsnot。Tom——’
`Sir——’
`Iknoweverythingaboutyou，Tom。everything。You’reverypoor，Tom。’
`Icertainlyam，’saidTomSmart。`Buthowcameyoutoknowthat？’
`Nevermindthat，’saidtheoldgentleman。`you’remuchtoofondofpunch，Tom。’
TomSmartwasjustonthepointofprotestingthathehadn’ttastedadropsincehislastbirth-day，butwhenhiseyeencounteredthatoftheoldgentleman，helookedsoknowingthatTomblushed，andwassilent。
`Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，`thewidow’safinewoman——remarkablyfinewoman——eh，Tom？’Heretheoldfellowscreweduphiseyes，cockeduponeofhiswastedlittlelegs，andlookedaltogethersounpleasantlyamorous，thatTomwasquitedisgustedwiththelevityofhisbehaviour——athistimeoflife，too！
`Iamherguardian，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。
`Areyou？’inquiredTomSmart。
`Iknewhermother，Tom，’saidtheoldfellow。`andhergrandmother。
Shewasveryfondofme——mademethiswaistcoat，Tom。’
`Didshe？’saidTomSmart。
`Andtheseshoes，’saidtheoldfellow，liftinguponeofthered-clothmufflers。`butdon’tmentionit，Tom。Ishouldn’tliketohaveitknownthatshewassomuchattachedtome。Itmightoccasionsomeunpleasantnessinthefamily。’Whentheoldrascalsaidthis，helookedsoextremelyimpertinent，that，asTomSmartafterwardsdeclared，hecouldhavesatuponhimwithoutremorse。
`Ihavebeenagreatfavouriteamongthewomeninmytime，Tom，’saidtheprofligateolddebauchee。`hundredsoffinewomenhavesatinmylapforhourstogether。Whatdoyouthinkofthat，youdog，eh！’Theoldgentlemanwasproceedingtorecountsomeotherexploitsofhisyouth，whenhewasseizedwithsuchaviolentfitofcreakingthathewasunabletoproceed。
`Justservesyouright，oldboy，’thoughtTomSmart。buthedidn’tsayanything。
`Ah！’saidtheoldfellow，`Iamagooddealtroubledwiththisnow。
Iamgettingold，Tom，andhavelostnearlyallmyrails。Ihavehadanoperationperformed，too——asmallpieceletintomyback——andIfounditaseveretrial，Tom。’
`Idaresayyoudid，sir，’saidTomSmart。
`However，’saidtheoldgentleman，`that’snotthepoint。Tom！Iwantyoutomarrythewidow。’
`Me，sir！’saidTom。
`You。’saidtheoldgentleman。
`Blessyourreverendlocks，’saidTom——hehadafewscatteredhorse-hairsleft，`blessyourreverendlocks，shewouldn’thaveme。’AndTomsighedinvoluntarily，ashethoughtofthebar。
`Wouldn’tshe？’saidtheoldgentleman，firmly。
`No，no，’saidTom。`there’ssomebodyelseinthewind。Atallman——aconfoundedlytallman——withblackwhiskers。’
`Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`shewillneverhavehim。’
`Won’tshe？’saidTom。`Ifyoustoodinthebar，oldgentleman，you’dtellanotherstory。’
`Pooh，pooh，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Iknowallaboutthat。’
`Aboutwhat？’saidTom。
`Thekissingbehindthedoor，andallthatsortofthing，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。Andherehegaveanotherimpudentlook，whichmadeTomverywroth，becauseasyouallknow，gentlemen，tohearanoldfellow，whooughttoknowbetter，talkingaboutthesethings，isveryunpleasant——nothingmoreso。
`Iknowallaboutthat，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Ihaveseenitdoneveryofteninmytime，Tom，betweenmorepeoplethanIshouldliketomentiontoyou。butitnevercametoanythingafterall。’
`Youmusthaveseensomequeerthings，’saidTom，withaninquisitivelook。
`Youmaysaythat，now，’repliedtheoldfellow，withaverycomplicatedwink。`Iamthelastofmyfamily，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman，withamelancholysigh。
`Wasitalargeone？’inquiredTomSmart。
`Thereweretwelveofus，Tom，’saidtheoldgentleman。`finestraight-backed，handsomefellowsasyou’dwishtosee。Noneofyourmodernabortions——allwitharms，andwithadegreeofpolish，thoughIsayitthatshouldnot，whichwouldhavedoneyourheartgoodtobehold。’
`Andwhat’sbecomeoftheothers，sir？’askedTomSmart。
Theoldgentlemanappliedhiselbowtohiseyeashereplied，`Gone，Tom，gone。Wehadhardservice，Tom，andtheyhadn’tallmyconstitution。
Theygotrheumaticaboutthelegsandarms，andwentintokitchensandotherhospitals。andoneof’em，withlongserviceandhardusage，positivelylosthissenses：——hegotsocrazythathewasobligedtobeburnt。Shockingthingthat，Tom。’
`Dreadful！’saidTomSmart。
Theoldfellowpausedforafewminutes，apparentlystrugglingwithhisfeelingsofemotion，andthensaid：
`However，Tom，Iamwanderingfromthepoint。Thistallman，Tom，isarascallyadventurer。Themomenthemarriedthewidow，hewouldselloffallthefurniture，andrunaway。Whatwouldbetheconsequence？Shewouldbedesertedandreducedtoruin，andIshouldcatchmydeathofcoldinsomebroker’sshop。’
`Yes，but——’
`Don’tinterruptme，’saidtheoldgentleman。`Ofyou，Tom，Ientertainaverydifferentopinion。forIwellknowthatifyouoncesettledyourselfinapublic-house，youwouldneverleaveit，aslongastherewasanythingtodrinkwithinitswalls。’
`Iamverymuchobligedtoyouforyourgoodopinion，sir，’saidTomSmart。
`Therefore，’resumedtheoldgentleman，inadictatorialtone。`youshallhaveher，andheshallnot。’
Whatistopreventit？’saidTomSmart，eagerly。
`Thisdisclosure，’repliedtheoldgentleman。`heisalreadymarried。’
`HowcanIproveit？’saidTom，startinghalfoutofbed。
Theoldgentlemanuntuckedhisarmfromhisside，andhavingpointedtooneoftheoakenpresses，immediatelyreplaceditinitsoldposition。
`Helittlethinks，’saidtheoldgentleman，`thatintheright-handpocketofapairoftrousersinthatpress，hehasleftaletter，entreatinghimtoreturntohisdisconsolatewife，withsix——markme，Tom——sixbabes，andallofthemsmallones。’
Astheoldgentlemansolemnlyutteredthesewords，hisfeaturesgrewlessandlessdistinct，andhisfiguremoreshadowy。AfilmcameoverTomSmart’seyes。Theoldmanseemedgraduallyblendingintothechair，thedamaskwaistcoattoresolveintoacushion，theredslipperstoshrinkintolittleredclothbags。Thelightfadedgentlyaway，andTomSmartfellbackonhispillow，anddroppedasleep。
MorningarousedTomfromthelethargicslumber，intowhichhehadfallenonthedisappearanceoftheoldman。Hesatupinbed，andforsomeminutesvainlyendeavouredtorecalltheeventsoftheprecedingnight。Suddenlytheyrusheduponhim。Helookedatthechair。itwasafantasticandgrim-lookingpieceoffurniture，certainly，butitmusthavebeenaremarkablyingeniousandlivelyimagination，thatcouldhavediscoveredanyresemblancebetweenitandanoldman。
`Howareyou，oldboy？’saidTom。Hewasbolderinthedaylight——mostmenare。
Thechairremainedmotionless，andspokenotaword。
`Miserablemorning，’saidTom。No。Thechairwouldnotbedrawnintoconversation。
`Whichpressdidyoupointto？——youcantellmethat，’saidTom。Devilaword，gentlemen，thechairwouldsay。
`It’snotmuchtroubletoopenit，anyhow，’saidTom，gettingoutofbedverydeliberately。Hewalkeduptooneofthepresses。Thekeywasinthelock。heturnedit，andopenedthedoor。Therewasapairoftrousersthere。Heputhishandintothepocket，anddrewforththeidenticallettertheoldgentlemanhaddescribed！
`Queersortofthing，this，’saidTomSmart。lookingfirstatthechairandthenatthepress，andthenattheletter，andthenatthechairagain。
`Veryqueer，’saidTom。But，astherewasnothingineither，tolessenthequeerness，hethoughthemightaswelldresshimself，andsettlethetallman’sbusinessatonce——justtoputhimoutofhismisery。
Tomsurveyedtheroomshepassedthrough，onhiswaydown-stairs，withthescrutinisingeyeofalandlord。thinkingitnotimpossible，thatbeforelong，theyandtheircontentswouldbehisproperty。Thetallmanwasstandinginthesnuglittlebar，withhishandsbehindhim，quiteathome。HegrinnedvacantlyatTom。Acasualobservermighthavesupposedhedidit，onlytoshowhiswhiteteeth。butTomSmartthoughtthataconsciousnessoftriumphwaspassingthroughtheplacewherethetallman’smindwouldhavebeen，ifhehadhadany。Tomlaughedinhisface。andsummonedthelandlady。
`Goodmorning，ma’am，’saidTomSmart，closingthedoorofthelittleparlourasthewidowentered。
`Goodmorning，sir，’saidthewidow。`Whatwillyoutakeforbreakfast，sir？’
Tomwasthinkinghowheshouldopenthecase，sohemadenoanswer。
`There’saveryniceham，’saidthewidow，`andabeautifulcoldlardedfowl。ShallIsend’emin，sir？’
ThesewordsrousedTomfromhisreflections。Hisadmirationofthewidowincreasedasshespoke。Thoughtfulcreature！Comfortableprovider！
`Whoisthatgentlemaninthebar，ma’am？’inquiredTom。
`HisnameisJinkins，sir，’saidthewidow，slightlyblushing。
`He’satallman，’saidTom。
`Heisaveryfineman，sir，’repliedthewidow，`andaverynicegentleman。’
`Ah！’saidTom。
`Isthereanythingmoreyouwant，sir？’inquiredthewidow，ratherpuzzledbyTom’smanner。
`Why，yes，’saidTom。`Mydearma’am，willyouhavethekindnesstositdownforonemoment？’
Thewidowlookedmuchamazed，butshesatdown，andTomsatdowntoo，closebesideher。Idon’tknowhowithappened，gentlemen——indeedmyuncleusedtotellmethatTomSmartsaidhedidn’tknowhowithappenedeither——butsomehoworotherthepalmofTom’shandfelluponthebackofthewidow’shand，andremainedtherewhilehespoke。
`Mydearma’am，’saidTomSmart——hehadalwaysagreatnotionofcommittingtheamiable——`Mydearma’am，youdeserveaveryexcellenthusband——youdoindeed。’
`Lor’，sir！’saidthewidow——aswellshemight：Tom’smodeofcommencingtheconversationbeingratherunusual，nottosaystartling。thefactofhisneverhavingseteyesuponherbeforethepreviousnight，beingtakenintoconsideration。`Lor’，sir！’
`Iscorntoflatter，mydearma’am，’saidTomSmart。`Youdeserveaveryadmirablehusband，andwhoeverheis，he’llbeaveryluckyman。’