CHARACTERS
THELITTLEMAN。
THEAMERICAN。
THEENGLISHMAN。
THEENGLISHWOMAN。
THEGERMAN。
THEDUTCHBOY。
THEMOTHER。
THEBABY。
THEWAITER。
THESTATIONOFFICIAL。
THEPOLICEMAN。
THEPORTER。
SCENEI
Afternoon，onthedepartureplatformofanAustrianrailwaystation。Atseverallittletablesoutsidethebuffetpersonsaretakingrefreshment，servedbyapaleyoungwaiter。Onaseatagainstthewallofthebuffetawomanoflowlystationissittingbesidetwolargebundles，ononeofwhichshehasplacedherbaby，swathedinablackshawl。
WAITER。[ApproachingatablewhereatsitanEnglishtravellerandhiswife]Twocoffee？
ENGLISHMAN。[Paying]Thanks。[Tohiswife，inanOxfordvoice]
Sugar？
ENGLISHWOMAN。[InaCambridgevoice]One。
AMERICANTRAVELLER。[Withfield—glassesandapocketcamerafromanothertable]Waiter，I’dliketohaveyougetmyeggs。I’vebeensittingherequiteawhile。
WAITER。Yes，sare。
GERMANTRAVELLER。’Kellner，bezahlen’！[Hisvoiceis，likehismoustache，stiffandbrushedupattheends。Hisfigurealsoisstiffandhishairalittlegrey;clearlyonce，ifnotnow，acolonel。]
WAITER。’Komm’gleich’！
[Thebabyonthebundlewails。Themothertakesituptosootheit。Ayoung，red—cheeckedDutchmanatthefourthtablestopseatingandlaughs。]
AMERICAN。Myeggs！Getawiggleonyou！
WAITER。Yes，sare。[Herapidlyrecedes。]
[ALITTLEMANinasofthatisseentotherightoftables。Hestandsamomentlookingafterthehurryingwaiter，thenseatshimselfatthefifthtable。]
ENGLISHMAN。[Lookingathiswatch]Tenminutesmore。
ENGLISHWOMAN。Bother！
AMERICAN。[Addressingthem]’Pearsasifthey’daprejudiceagainsteggshere，anyway。
[TheENGLISHlookathim，butdonotspeak。]
GERMAN。[IncreditableEnglish]Intheseplacesmancangetnothing。
[TheWAITERcomesflyingbackwithacompotefortheDUTCH
YOUTH，whopays。]
GERMAN。’Kellner，bezahlen’！
WAITER。’EineKronesechzig’。
[TheGERMANpays。]
AMERICAN。[Rising，andtakingouthiswatch——blandly]Seehere。IfIdon’tgetmyeggsbeforethiswatchtickstwenty，there’llbeanotherwaiterinheaven。
WAITER。[Flying]’Komm’gleich’！
AMERICAN。[Seekingsympathy]I’mgettin’kindofmad！
[TheENGLISHMANhalveshisnewspaperandhandstheadvertisementhalftohiswife。TheBABYwails。TheMOTHERrocksit。]
[TheDUTCHYOUTHstopseatingandlaughs。TheGERMANlightsacigarette。TheLITTLEMANsitsmotionless，nursinghishat。
TheWAITERcomesflyingbackwiththeeggsandplacesthembeforetheAMERICAN。]
AMERICAN。[Puttingawayhiswatch]Good！Idon’tliketrouble。
Howmuch？
[Hepaysandeats。TheWAITERstandsamomentattheedgeoftheplatformandpasseshishandacrosshisbrow。TheLITTLE
MANeyeshimandspeaksgently。]
LITTLEMAN。HerrOber！
[TheWAITERturns。]
MightIhaveaglassofbeer？
WAITER。Yes，sare。
LITTLEMAN。Thankyouverymuch。
[TheWAITERgoes。]
AMERICAN。[Pausinginthedeglutitionofhiseggs——affably]Pardonme，sir;I’dliketohaveyoutellmewhyyoucalledthatlittlebitofafeller\"HerrOber。\"Reckonyouwouldknowwhatthatmeans？
Mr。HeadWaiter。
LITTLEMAN。Yes，yes。
AMERICAN。Ismile。
LITTLEMAN。Oughtn’tItocallhimthat？
GERMAN。[Abruptly]’Nein——Kellner’。
AMERICAN。Why，yes！Just\"waiter。\"
[TheENGLISHWOMANlooksroundherpaperforasecond。TheDUTCH
YOUTHstopseatingandlaughs。TheLITTLEMANgazesfromfacetofaceandnurseshishat。]
LITTLEMAN。Ididn’twanttohurthisfeelings。
GERMAN。Gott！
AMERICAN。Inmycountrywe’reverydemocratic——butthat’squiteaproposition。
ENGLISHMAN。[Handlingcoffee—pot，tohiswife]More？
ENGLISHWOMAN。No，thanks。
GERMAN。[Abruptly]Thesefellows——ifyoutreattheminthismanner，atoncetheytakeliberties。Yousee，youwillnotgetyourbeer。
[AshespeakstheWAITERreturns，bringingtheLITTLEMAN’S
beer，thenretires。]
AMERICAN。That’pearstobeoneuptodemocracy。[TotheLITTLE
MAN]Ijudgeyougoinforbrotherhood？
LITTLEMAN。[Startled]Oh，no！
AMERICAN。ItakeconsiderablestockinLeoTolstoimyself。Grandman——grand—souledapparatus。ButIguessyou’vegottopinchthosewaiterssometomake’emskip。[TotheENGLISH，whohavecarelesslylookedhiswayforamoment]You’llappreciatethat，thewayheactedaboutmyeggs。
[TheENGLISHmakefaintmotionswiththeirchinsandaverttheireyes。]
[TotheWAITER，whoisstandingatthedoorofthebuffet]
Waiter！Flashofbeer——jump，now！
WAITER。’Komm’gleich’！
GERMAN。’Cigarren’！
WAITER。’Schon’！
[Hedisappears。]
AMERICAN。[Affably——totheLITTLEMAN]Now，ifIdon’tgetthatflashofbeerquicker’nyougotyours，Ishalladmire。
GERMAN。[Abruptly]Tolstoiisnothing’nichts’！Nogood！Ha？
AMERICAN。[Relishingtheapproachofargument]Well，thatisamatteroftemperament。Now，I’mallforequality。Seethatpoorwomanthere——veryhumblewoman——thereshesitsamonguswithherbaby。Perhapsyou’dliketolocatehersomewhereelse？
GERMAN。[Shrugging]。Tolstoiis’sentimentalisch’。Nietzscheisthetruephilosopher，theonlyone。
AMERICAN。Well，that’squiteintheprospectus——verystimulatingparty——oldNietch——virginmind。ButgivemeLeo！[Heturnstothered—cheekedYOUTH]Whatdoyouopine，sir？Iguessbyyourlabelsyou’llbeDutch。DotheyreadTolstoiinyourcountry？
[TheDUTCHYOUTHlaughs。]
AMERICAN。Thatisaveryluminousanswer。
GERMAN。Tolstoiisnothing。Manshouldhimselfexpress。Hemustpush——hemustbestrong。
AMERICAN。Thatisso。InAmericawebelieveinvirility;welikeamantoexpand。Butwebelieveinbrotherhoodtoo。Wedrawthelineatniggers;butweaspire。Socialbarriersanddistinctionswe’venotmuchusefor。
ENGLISHMAN。Doyoufeeladraught？
ENGLISHWOMAN。[WithashiverofhershouldertowardtheAMERICAN]I
do——rather。
GERMAN。Wait！Youareayoungpeople。
AMERICAN。Thatisso;therearenofliesonus。[TotheLITTLEMAN，whohasbeengazingeagerlyfromfacetoface]Say！I’dliketohaveyougiveusyoursentimentsinrelationtothedutyofman。
[TheLITTLEMAN，fidgets，andisabouttoopenshismouth。]
AMERICAN。Forexample——isityouropinionthatweshouldkillofftheweakanddiseased，andallthatcan’tjumparound？
GERMAN。[Nodding]’Ja，ja’！Thatiscoming。
LITTLEMAN。[Lookingfromfacetoface]Theymightbeme。
[TheDUTCHYOUTHlaughs。]
AMERICAN。[Reprovinghimwithalook]That’struehumility。
’Tisn’tgrammar。Now，here’sapropositionthatbringsitnearerthebone:Wouldyoustepoutofyourwaytohelpthemwhenitwasliabletobringyoutrouble？
GERMAN。’Nein，nein’！Thatisstupid。
LITTLEMAN。[Eagerbutwistful]I’mafraidnot。Ofcourseonewantsto——TherewasStFrancisd’AssisiandStJulienL’Hospitalier，and————
AMERICAN。Veryloftydispositions。Guesstheydiedofthem。[Herises]Shakehands，sir——mynameis——[Hehandsacard]Iamanice—machinemaker。[HeshakestheLITTLEMAN’shand）Ilikeyoursentiments——Ifeelkindofbrotherly。[CatchingsightoftheWAITER
appearinginthedoorway]Waiter;wheretoh—llisthatflashofbeer？
GERMAN。Cigarren！
WAITER。’Komm’gleich’！
ENGLISHMAN。[Consultingwatch]Train’slate。
ENGLISHWOMAN。Really！Nuisance！
[AstationPOLICEMAN，verysquareanduniformed，passesandrepasses。]
AMERICAN。[Resuminghisseat——totheGERMAN]Now，wedon’thavesomuchofthatinAmerica。Guesswefeelmoretotrustinhumannature。
GERMAN。Ah！ha！youwillbresentlyfindthereisnothinginhimbutself。
LITTLEMAN。[Wistfully]Don’tyoubelieveinhumannature？
AMERICAN。Verystimulatingquestion。
[Helooksroundforopinions。TheDUTCHYOUTHlaughs。]
ENGLISHMAN。[Holdingouthishalfofthepapertohiswife]Swap！
[Hiswifeswaps。]
GERMAN。InhumannatureIbelievesofarasIcanseehim——nomore。
AMERICAN。Nowthat’pearstomekindo’blasphemy。Ibelieveinheroism。Iopinethere’snotoneofussettin’aroundherethat’snotahero——givehimtheoccasion。
LITTLEMAN。Oh！Doyoubelievethat？
AMERICAN。Well！Ijudgeaheroisjustapersonthat’llhelpanotherattheexpenseofhimself。Takethatpoorwomanthere。
Well，now，she’saheroine，Iguess。Shewoulddieforherbabyanyoldtime。
GERMAN。Animalswilldiefortheirbabies。Thatisnothing。
AMERICAN。Icarryitfurther。Ipostulatewewouldalldieforthatbabyifalocomotivewastotrundleuprighthereandtrytohandleit。[TotheGERMAN]Iguessyoudon’tknowhowgoodyouare。[AstheGERMANistwistinguptheendsofhismoustache——totheENGLISHWOMAN]Ishouldliketohaveyouexpressanopinion，ma’am。
ENGLISHWOMAN。Ibegyourpardon。
AMERICAN。TheEnglishareveryhumanitarian;theyhaveaveryhighsenseofduty。SohavetheGermans，sohavetheAmericans。[TotheDUTCHYOUTH]Ijudgeeveninyourlittlecountrytheyhavethat。
Thisisanepochofequalityandhigh—tonedideals。[TotheLITTLE
MAN]Whatisyournationality，sir？
LITTLEMAN。I’mafraidI’mnothingparticular。Myfatherwashalf—Englishandhalf—American，andmymotherhalf—Germanandhalf—Dutch。
AMERICAN。My！That’sabitstreaky，anyoldway。[ThePOLICEMAN
passesagain]Now，Idon’tbelievewe’vemuchuseanymoreforthosegentlemeninbuttons。We’vegrownkindofmild——wedon’tthinkofselfasweusedtodo。
[TheWAITERhasappearedinthedoorway。]
GERMAN。[Inavoiceofthunder]’Cigarren！Donnerwetter’！
AMERICAN。[ShakinghisfistatthevanishingWAITER]Thatflashofbeer！
WAITER。’Komm’gleich’！
AMERICAN。Alittlemore，andhewilljoinGeorgeWashington！Iwasabouttoremarkwhenheintruded:Inthisyearofgrace1913thekingdomofChristisquiteagoingconcern。Wearemightynearuniversalbrotherhood。Thecolonelhere[HeindicatestheGERMAN]isamanofbloodandiron，butgivehimanopportunitytobemagnanimous，andhe’llberightthere。Oh，sir！yep！
[TheGERMAN，withaprofoundmixtureofpleasureandcynicism，brushesuptheendsofhismoustache。]
LITTLEMAN。Iwonder。Onewantsto，butsomehow——[Heshakeshishead。]
AMERICAN。Youseemkindofskeeryaboutthat。You’vehadexperience，maybe。I’manoptimist——Ithinkwe’reboundtomakethedevilhuminthenearfuture。Iopineweshalloccasionagooddealoftroubletothatoldparty。There’sabouttobeaholocaustofselfishinterests。Thecoloneltherewithold—manNietchhewon’tknowhimself。There’sgoingtobeaverysacredopportunity。
[Ashespeaks，thevoiceofaRAILWAYOFFICIALisheardanthedistancecallingoutinGerman。Itapproaches，andthewordsbecomeaudible。]
GERMAN。[Startled]’DerTeufel’！[Hegetsup，andseizesthebagbesidehim。]
[TheSTATIONOFFICIALhasappeared;hestandsforamomentcastinghiscommandsattheseatedgroup。TheDUTCHYOUTHalsorises，andtakeshiscoatandhat。TheOFFICIALturnsonhisheelandretiresstillissuingdirections。]
ENGLISHMAN。Whatdoeshesay？
GERMAN。Ourdrainhascomein，deoderplatform;onlyoneminutewehaf。
[All，haveriseninafluster。]
AMERICAN。Now，that’sveryprovoking。Iwon’tgetthatflashofbeer。
[Thereisageneralscurrytogathercoatsandhatsandwraps，duringwhichthelowlyWOMANisseenmakingdesperateattemptstodealwithherbabyandthetwolargebundles。Quitedefeated，shesuddenlyputsalldown，wringsherhands，andcriesout:\"HerrJesu！Hilfe！\"Theflyingprocessionturntheirheadsatthatstrangecry。]
AMERICAN。What’sthat？Help？
[Hecontinuestorun。TheLITTLEMANspinsround，rushesback，picksupbabyandbundleonwhichitwasseated。]
LITTLEMAN。Comealong，goodwoman，comealong！
[TheWOMANpicksuptheotherbundleandtheyrun。]
[TheWAITER，appearinginthedoorwaywiththebottleofbeer，watcheswithhistiredsmile。]
CURTAIN
SCENEII
Asecond—classcompartmentofacorridorcarriage，inmotion。
InitareseatedtheENGLISHMANandhisWIFE，oppositeeachotheratthecorridorend，shewithherfacetotheengine，hewithhisback。Botharesomewhatprotectedfromtherestofthetravellersbynewspapers。NexttohersitstheGERMAN，andoppositehimsitstheAMERICAN;nexttheAMERICANinonewindowcornerisseatedtheDUTCHYOUTH;theotherwindowcorneristakenbytheGERMAN’Sbag。Thesilenceisonlybrokenbytheslightrushingnoiseofthetrain’sprogressionandthecracklingoftheEnglishnewspapers。
AMERICAN。[TurningtotheDUTCHYOUTH]GuessI’dlikethatwindowraised;it’skindofchillyafterthatoldruntheygaveus。
[TheDUTCHYOUTHlaughs，andgoesthroughthemotionsofraisingthewindow。TheENGLISHregardtheoperationwithuneasyirritation。TheGERMANopenshisbag，whichreposesonthecornerseatnexthim，andtakesoutabook。]
AMERICAN。TheGermansaregreatreaders。Verystimulatingpractice。
Ireadmostanythingmyself！
[TheGERMANholdsupthebooksothatthetitlemayberead。]
\"DonQuixote\"——finebook。WeAmericanstakeconsiderablestockinoldmanQuixote。Bitofawild—cat——butwedon’tlaughathim。
GERMAN。Heisdead。Deadasasheep。Agoodthing，too。
AMERICAN。InAmericawehavestillquiteanamountofchivalry。
GERMAN。Chivalryisnothing’sentimentalisch’。Inmoderndays——nogood。Amanmustpush，hemustpull。
AMERICAN。Soyousay。ButIjudgeyourformofchivalryissacrificetothestate。Weallowmorefreedomtotheindividualsoul。Wherethere’ssomethinglittleandweak，wefeelitkindofnobletogiveuptoit。Thatwaywefeelelevated。
[AshespeaksthereisseeninthecorridordoorwaytheLITTLE
MAN，withtheWOMAN’SBABYstillonhisarmandthebundleheldintheotherhand。Hepeersinanxiously。TheENGLISH，acutelyconscious，trytodissociatethemselvesfromhispresencewiththeirpapers。TheDUTCHYOUTHlaughs。]
GERMAN。’Ach’！So！
AMERICAN。Dearme！
LITTLEMAN。Isthereroom？Ican’tfindaseat。
AMERICAN。Why，yes！There’saseatforone。
LITTLEMAN。[Depositingbundleoutside，andheavingBABY]MayI？
AMERICAN。Comerightin！
[TheGERMANsulkilymoveshisbag。TheLITTLEMANcomesinandseatshimselfgingerly。]
AMERICAN。Where’sthemother？
LITTLEMAN。[Ruefully]Afraidshegotleftbehind。
[TheDUTCHYOUTHlaughs。TheENGLISHunconsciouslyemergefromtheirnewspapers。]
AMERICAN。My！Thatwouldappeartobequiteadomesticincident。
[TheENGLISHMANsuddenlyuttersaprofound\"Ha，Ha！\"anddisappearsbehindhispaper。Andthatpaperandtheoneoppositeareseentoshake，andlittlesguirlsandsqueaksemerge。]
GERMAN。Andyouhafgotherbundle，andherbaby。Ha！[Hecacklesdrily。]
AMERICAN。[Gravely]Ismile。IguessProvidencehasplayeditprettylowdownonyou。It’ssureactedrealmean。
[TheBABYwails，andtheLITTLEMANjigsitwithasortofgentledesperation，lookingapologeticallyfromfacetoface。
Hiswistfulglancerenewstheforeofmerrimentwhereveritalights。TheAMERICANalonepreservesagravitywhichseemsincapableofbeingbroken。]
AMERICAN。Maybeyou’dbettergetoffrightsmartandrestorethatbaby。There’snothingcanactmadderthanamother。
LITTLEMAN。Poorthing，yes！Whatshemustbesuffering！
[Agaleoflaughtershakesthecarriage。TheENGLISHforamomentdroptheirpapers，thebettertoindulge。TheLITTLEMAN
smilesawintrysmile。]
AMERICAN。[Inalull]Howdiditeventuate？
LITTLEMAN。Wegottherejustasthetrainwasgoingtostart;andI
jumped，thinkingIcouldhelpherup。Butitmovedtooquickly，and——andlefther。
[Thegaleoflaughterblowsupagain。]
AMERICAN。GuessI’dhavethrownthebabyouttoher。
LITTLEMAN。Iwasafraidthepoorlittlethingmightbreak。
[TheBabywails;theLITTLEMANheavesit;thegaleoflaughterblows。]
AMERICAN。[Gravely]It’shighlyentertaining——notforthebaby。
Whatkindofanoldbabyisit，anyway？[Hesniff’s]Ijudgeit’sabit——niffy。
LITTLEMAN。AfraidI’vehardlylookedatityet。
AMERICAN。Whichendupisit？
LITTLEMAM。Oh！Ithinktherightend。Yes，yes，itis。
AMERICAN。Well，that’ssomething。Maybeyoushouldholditoutofwindowabit。Veryexcitablethings，babies！
ENGLISHWOMAN。[Galvanized]No，no！
ENGLISHMAN。[Touchingherknee]Mydear！
AMERICAN。Youareright，ma’am。Iopinethere’sadraughtoutthere。Thisbabyisprecious。We’veallofusgotstockinthisbabyinamannerofspeaking。Thisisalittlebitofuniversalbrotherhood。Isitawomanbaby？
LITTLEMAN。I——Icanonlyseethetopofitshead。