Hedoesnotstintherindress。
Thestagevillainissuperiortothevillainofreallife。Thevillainofreallifeisactuatedbymeresordidandselfishmotives。
Thestagevillaindoesvillainy，notforanypersonaladvantagetohimself，butmerelyfromtheloveofthethingasanart。Villainyistohimitsownreward;herevelsinit。
\"Betterfarbepoorandvillainous，\"hesaystohimself，\"thanpossessallthewealthoftheIndieswithaclearconscience。Iwillbeavillain，\"hecries。\"Iwill，atgreatexpenseandinconveniencetomyself，murderthegoodoldman，gettheheroaccusedofthecrime，andmakelovetohiswifewhileheisinprison。Itwillbeariskyandlaboriousbusinessformefrombeginningtoend，andcanbringmenopracticaladvantagewhatever。ThegirlwillcallmeinsultingnameswhenIpayheravisit，andwillpushmeviolentlyinthechestwhenIgetnearher;hergolden—hairedinfantwillsayIamabadmanandmayevenrefusetokissme。Thecomicmanwillcovermewithhumorousopprobrium，andthevillagerswillgetadayoffandhangaboutthevillagepubandhootme。Everybodywillseethroughmyvillainy，andIshallbenabbedintheend。Ialwaysam。Butitisnomatter，Iwillbeavillain——ha！ha！\"
Onthewhole，thestagevillainappearstoustobearatherbadlyusedindividual。Heneverhasany\"estates\"orpropertyhimself，andhisonlychanceofgettingonintheworldistosneakthehero’s。Hehasanaffectionatedisposition，andneverhavinganywifeofhisownheiscompelledtoloveotherpeople’s;buthisaffectioniseverunrequited，andeverythingcomeswrongforhimintheend。
Ouradvicetostagevillainsgenerally，aftercarefulobservationof（stage）lifeand（stage）humannature，isasfollows:
Neverbeastagevillainatallifyoucanhelpit。Thelifeistooharassingandtheremunerationaltogetherdisproportionatetotherisksandlabor。
Ifyouhaverunawaywiththeclergyman’sdaughterandshestillclingstoyou，donotthrowherdowninthecenterofthestageandcallhernames。Itonlyirritatesher，andshetakesadisliketoyouandgoesandwarnstheothergirl。
Don’thavetoomanyaccomplices;andifyouhavegotthem，don’tkeepsneeringatthemandbullyingthem。Awordfromthemcanhangyou，andyetyoudoallyoucantorilethem。Treatthemcivillyandletthemhavetheirfairshareoftheswag。
Bewareofthecomicman。Whenyouarecommittingamurderorrobbingasafeyouneverlooktoseewherethecomicmanis。Youaresocarelessinthatway。Onthewhole，itmightbeaswellifyoumurderedthecomicmanearlyintheplay。
Don’tmakelovetothehero’swife。Shedoesn’tlikeyou;howcanyouexpectherto？Besides，itisn’tproper。Whydon’tyougetagirlofyourown？
Lastly，don’tgodowntothescenesofyourcrimesinthelastact。
Youalwayswilldothis。Wesupposeitissomeextracheapexcursiondowntherethatattractsyou。Buttakeouradviceanddon’tgo。Thatisalwayswhereyougetnabbed。Thepoliceknowyourhabitsfromexperience。Theydonottroubletolookforyou。Theygodowninthelastacttotheoldhallortheruinedmillwhereyoudidthedeedandwaitforyou。
Inninecasesoutoftenyouwouldgetoffscot—freebutforthisidioticcustomofyours。Dokeepawayfromtheplace。Goabroadortothesea—sidewhenthelastactbeginsandstoptheretillitisover。Youwillbesafethen。
THEHEROINE。
Sheisalwaysintrouble——anddon’tsheletyouknowit，too！Herlifeisundeniablyahardone。Nothinggoesrightwithher。Weallhaveourtroubles，butthestageheroineneverhasanythingelse。IfsheonlygotoneafternoonaweekofffromtroubleorhadherSundaysfreeitwouldbesomething。
Butno;misfortunestalksbesideherfromweek’sbeginningtoweek’send。
Afterherhusbandhasbeenfoundguiltyofmurder，whichisabouttheleastthingthatcaneverhappentohim，andherwhite—hairedfatherhasbecomeabankruptandhasdiedofabrokenheart，andthehomeofherchildhoodhasbeensoldup，thenherinfantgoesandcontractsalingeringfever。
Sheweepsagooddealduringthecourseofhertroubles，whichwesupposeisonlynaturalenough，poorwoman。Butitisdepressingfromthepointofviewoftheaudience，andwealmostwishbeforetheeveningisoutthatshehadnotgotquitesomuchtrouble。
Itisoverthechildthatshedoesmostofherweeping。Thechildhasadamptimeofitaltogether。Wesometimeswonderthatitnevercatchesrheumatism。
Sheisverygood，isthestageheroine。Thecomicmanexpressesabeliefthatsheisabornangel。Shereproveshimforthiswithatearfulsmile（itwouldn’tbehersmileifitwasn’ttearful）。
\"Oh，no，\"shesays（sadlyofcourse）;\"Ihavemany，manyfaults。\"
Weratherwishthatshewouldshowthemalittlemore。Herexcessivegoodnessseemssomehowtopalluponus。Ouronlyconsolationwhilewatchingheristhattherearenotmanygoodwomenoffthestage。
Lifeisbadenoughasitis;ifthereweremanywomeninreallifeasgoodasthestageheroine，itwouldbeunbearable。
Thestageheroine’sonlypleasureinlifeistogooutinasnow—stormwithoutanumbrellaandwithnobonneton。Shehasabonnet，weknow（ratheratastefullittlething）;wehaveseenithangingupbehindthedoorofherroom;butwhenshecomesoutforanightstrollduringaheavysnow—storm（accompaniedbythunder），sheismostcarefultoleaveitathome。Maybeshefearsthesnowwillspoilit，andsheisacarefulgirl。
Shealwaysbringsherchildoutwithherontheseoccasions。Sheseemstothinkthatitwillfreshenitup。Thechilddoesnotappreciatethesnowasmuchasshedoes。Hesaysit’scold。
Onethingthatmustirritatethestageheroineverymuchontheseoccasionsisthewayinwhichthesnowseemstolieinwaitforherandfollowherabout。Itisquiteafinenightbeforeshecomesonthescene:themomentsheappearsitbeginstosnow。Itsnowsheavilyallthewhilesheremainsabout，andtheinstantshegoesitclearsupagainandkeepsdryfortherestoftheevening。
Thewaythesnow\"goes\"forthatpoorwomanismostunfair。Italwayssnowsmuchheavierintheparticularspotwheresheissittingthanitdoesanywhereelseinthewholestreet。Why，wehavesometimesseenaheroinesittinginthemidstofablindingsnow—stormwhiletheothersideoftheroadwasasdryasabone。Anditneverseemedtooccurtohertocrossover。
Wehaveevenknownamorethanunusuallymalignantsnow—stormtofollowaheroinethreetimesroundthestageandthengooff（R。）withher。
Ofcourseyoucan’tgetawayfromasnow—stormlikethat！Astagesnow—stormisthekindofsnow—stormthatwouldfollowyouupstairsandwanttocomeintobedwithyou。
Anothercuriousthingaboutthesestagesnow—stormsisthatthemoonisalwaysshiningbrightlythroughthewholeofthem。Anditshinesonlyontheheroine，anditfollowsheraboutjustlikethesnowdoes。
Nobodyfullyunderstandswhatawonderfulworkofnaturethemoonisexceptpeopleacquaintedwiththestage。Astronomyteachesyousomethingaboutthemoon，butyoulearnagooddealmorefromafewvisitstoatheater。Youwillfindfromthelatterthatthemoononlyshinesonheroesandheroines，withperhapsanoccasionalbeamonthecomicman:italwaysgoesoutwhenitseesthevillaincoming。
Itissurprising，too，howquicklythemooncangooutonthestage。
Atonemomentitisridinginfullradianceinthemidstofacloudlesssky，andthenextinstantitisgone！Justasthoughithadbeenturnedoffatameter。Itmakesyouquitegiddyatfirstuntilyougetusedtoit。
Thestageheroineisinclinedtothoughtfulnessratherthangayety。
Inhercheerfulmomentsthestageheroinethinkssheseesthespiritofhermother，ortheghostofherfather，orshedreamsofherdeadbaby。
Butthisisonlyinherverymerrymoods。Asarule，sheistoomuchoccupiedwithweepingtohavetimeforfrivolousreflections。
Shehasagreatflowoflanguageandawonderfulgiftofmetaphorandsimile——moreforciblethanelegant——andthismightberathertryinginawifeunderordinarycircumstances。Butastheheroisgenerallysentencedtotenyears’penalservitudeonhiswedding—morn，heescapesforaperiodfromadangerthatmightwellappallalessfortunatebridegroom。
Sometimesthestageheroinehasabrother，andifsoheissuretobemistakenforherlover。Wenevercameacrossabrotherandsisterinreallifewhoevergavethemostsuspiciouspersonanygroundsformistakingthemforlovers;butthestagebrotherandsisteraresoaffectionatethattheerrorisexcusable。
Andwhenthemistakedoesoccurandthehusbandcomesinsuddenlyandfindsthemkissingandravesshedoesn’tturnroundandsay:
\"Why，yousillycuckoo，it’sonlymybrother。\"
Thatwouldbesimpleandsensible，andwouldnotsuitthestageheroineatall。No;shedoesallinherpowertomakeeverybodybelieveitistrue，sothatshecansufferinsilence。
Shedoessolovetosuffer。
Marriageisundoubtedlyafailureinthecaseofthestageheroine。
Ifthestageheroinewerewelladvisedshewouldremainsingle。Herhusbandmeanswell。Heisdecidedlyaffectionate。Butheisunfortunateandinexperiencedinworldlyaffairs。Thingscomerightforhimattheendoftheplay，itistrue;butwewouldnotrecommendtheheroinetoplacetoomuchrelianceuponthecontinuanceofthishappystateofaffairs。Fromwhatwehaveseenofherhusbandandhisbusinesscapabilitiesduringthefiveactspreceding，weareinclinedtodoubtthepossibilityofhisbeinganythingbutunfortunatetotheendofhiscareer。
True，hehasatlastgothis\"rights\"（whichhewouldneverhavelosthadhehadaheadinsteadofasentimentalbladderonhisshoulders），theVillainishandcuffed，andheandtheheroinehavesettleddowncomfortablynextdoortothecomicman。
Butthisheavenlyexistencewillneverlast。Thestageherowasbuiltfortrouble，andhewillbeinitagaininanothermonth，youbet。
They’llgetupanothermortgageforhimonthe\"estates;\"andhewon’tknow，blessyou，whetherhereallydidsignitorwhetherhedidn’t，andouthewillgo。
Andhe’llslophisnameabouttodocumentswithouteverlookingtoseewhathe’sdoing，andbeletinforLordknowswhat;andanotherwifewillturnupforhimthathehadmarriedwhenaboyandforgottenallabout。
Andthenextcorpsethatcomestothevillagehe’llgetmixedupwith——sureto——andhaveitlaidtohisdoor，andthere’llbealltheoldbusinessoveragain。
No，ouradvicetothestageheroineistogetridoftheheroassoonaspossible，marrythevillain，andgoandliveabroadsomewherewherethecomicmanwon’tcomefoolingaround。
Shewillbemuchhappier。
THECOMICMAN。
Hefollowstheheroallovertheworld。Thisisroughonthehero。
Whatmakeshimsogoneontheheroisthatwhentheywereboystogethertheherousedtoknockhimdownandkickhim。Thecomicmanremembersthiswithaglowofpridewhenheisgrownup，anditmakeshimlovetheheroanddeterminetodevotehislifetohim。
Heisamanofhumblestation——thecomicman。Thevillageblacksmithorapeddler。Youneverseearichoraristocraticcomicmanonthestage。Youcanhaveyourchoiceonthestage;youcanbefunnyandoflowlyorigin，oryoucanbewell—to—doandwithoutanysenseofhumor。
Peersandpolicemenarethepeoplemostutterlydevoidofhumoronthestage。
Thechiefdutyofthecomicman’slifeistomakelovetoservant—girls，andtheyslaphisface;butitdoesnotdiscouragehim;
heseemstobemoresmittenbythemthanever。
Thecomicmanishappyunderanyfate，andhesaysfunnythingsatfuneralsandwhenthebailiffsareinthehouseortheheroiswaitingtobehanged。
Thissortofmanisrathertryinginreallife。Inreallifesuchamanwouldprobablybeslaughteredtodeathandburiedatanearlyperiodofhiscareer，butonthestagetheyputupwithhim。
Heisverygood，isthecomicman。Hecan’tbearvillainy。Tothwartvillainyishislife’sambition，andinthisnobleobjectfortunebackshimupgrandly。Badpeoplecomeandcommittheirmurdersandtheftsrightunderhisnose，sothathecandenouncetheminthelastact。
Theyneverseehimthere，standingclosebesidethem，whiletheyareperformingthesefearfulcrimes。
Itismarveloushowshort—sightedpeopleonthestageare。Wealwaysthoughtthattheyoungladyinreallifewasmoderatelygoodatnotseeingfolksshedidnotwanttowhentheywerestandingstraightinfrontofher，butherafflictioninthisdirectionisasnothingcomparedwiththatofherbrothersandsistersonthestage。
Theseunfortunatepeoplecomeintoroomswheretherearecrowdsofpeopleabout——peoplethatitismostimportantthattheyshouldsee，andowingtonotseeingwhomtheygetthemselvesintofearfultrouble，andtheynevernoticeanyofthem。Theytalktosomebodyopposite，andtheycan’tseeathirdpersonthatisstandingbangbetweenthetwoofthem。
Youmightfancytheyworeblinkers。
Then，again，theirhearingissoterriblyweak。Itreallyoughttobeseento。Peopletalkandchatterattheverytopoftheirvoicesclosebehindthem，andtheyneverhearaword——don’tknowanybody’sthere，even。Afterithasbeengoingonforhalfanhour，andthepeople\"upstage\"havemadethemselveshoarsewithshouting，andsomebodyhasbeenboisterouslymurderedandallthefurnitureupset，thenthepeople\"downstage\"\"thinktheyhearanoise。\"
Thecomicmanalwaysrowswithhiswifeifheismarriedorwithhissweetheartifheisnotmarried。Theyquarrelalldaylong。Itmustbeatryinglife，youwouldthink，buttheyappeartolikeit。
Howthecomicmanlivesandsupportshiswife（shelooksasifitwantedsomethingtosupporther，too）andfamilyisalwaysamysterytous。Aswehavesaid，heisnotarichmanandheneverseemstoearnanymoney。Sometimeshekeepsashop，andinthewayhemanagesbusinessitmustbeanexpensivethingtokeep，forheneverchargesanybodyforanything，heissogenerous。Allhiscustomersseemtobepeoplemoreorlessintrouble，andhecan’tfinditinhishearttoaskthemtopayfortheirgoodsundersuchdistressingcircumstances。
Hestuffstheirbasketfullwithtwiceasmuchastheycametobuy，pushestheirmoneybackintotheirhands，andwipesawayatear。
Whydoesn’tacomicmancomeandsetupagrocerystoreinourneighborhood？
Whentheshopdoesnotprovesufficientlyprofitable（asundertheabove—explainedmethodsometimeshappenstobethecase）thecomicman’swifeseekstoaddtotheincomebytakinginlodgers。Thisisabadmoveonherpart，foritalwaysendsinthelodgerstakingherin。
Theheroandheroine，whoseemtohavebeenwaitingforsomethingofthesort，immediatelycomeandtakepossessionofthewholehouse。
Ofcoursethecomicmancouldnotthinkofchargingformereboardandlodgingthemanwhoknockedhimdownwhentheywereboystogether！
Besides，wasnottheheroine（nowthehero’swife）thesweetestandtheblithestgirlinallthevillageofDeepdale？（Theymusthavebeenagloomyband，theothers！）Howcananyonewithahumanheartbeneathhisbosomsuggestthatpeoplelikethatshouldpayfortheirrestandwashing？Thecomicmanisshockedathiswifeforeventhinkingofsuchathing，andtheendofitisthatMr。andMrs。Herolivetherefortherestoftheplayrentfree;coals，soap，candles，andhair—oilforthechildbeingprovidedforthemonthesameterms。
Theheroraisesvagueandfeebleobjectionstothisarrangementnowandagain。Hesayshewillnothearofsuchathing，thathewillstaynolongertobeaburdenuponthesehonestfolk，butwillgoforthuntotheroadsideandtherestarve。Thecomicmanhasawfulworkwithhim，butwinsatlastandpersuadesthenoblefellowtostoponandgivetheplaceanothertrial。
When，amorningorsoafterwitnessingoneofthesebeautifulscenes，ourownlandladyknocksatourdoorandcreatesadisturbanceoverapaltrymatterofthreeorfourweeks’rent，andsaysshe’llhavehermoneyoroutwegothatveryday，anddriftsslowlyawaydowntowardthekitchen，abusingusinarisingvoiceasshedescends，thenwethinkofthesethingsandgrowsad。
Itistheexampleofthepeopleroundhimthatmakesthecomicmansogenerous。Everybodyisgenerousonthestage。Theyaregivingawaytheirpursesalldaylong;thatistheregulation\"tip\"onthestage——one’spurse。Themomentyouhearataleofwoe，yougrabitoutofyourpocket，slapitintothewoe—er’spalm，griphishand，dashawayatear，andexit;youdon’tevenleaveyourselfa’busfarehome。Youwalkbackquicklyandgetanotherpurse。
Middle—classpeopleandothersonthestagewhoareshortofpurseshavetocontentthemselveswiththrowingaboutrollsofbank—notesandtippingservantswithfive—poundchecks。Verystingypeopleonthestagehavebeenknowntobesocussedmeanastogiveawaymeresovereigns。