TheadvertisingquackwhoweariesWithtalesofcountlesscures，Histeeth，I’veenacted，ShallallbeextractedByterrifiedamateurs:
Themusic—hallsingerattendsaseriesOfmassesandfuguesand\"ops\"
ByBach，interwovenWithSpohrandBeethoven，AtclassicalMondayPops:
ThebilliardsharpwhomanyonecatchesHisdoom’sextremelyhard—
He’smadetodwellInadungeoncellOnaspotthat’salwaysbarred;
AndthereheplaysextravagantmatchesInfitlessfinger—stalls，OnaclothuntrueWithatwistedcue，Andellipticalbilliardballs！
MyobjectallsublimeIshallachieveintime—
Toletthepunishmentfitthecrime—
Thepunishmentfitthecrime;
AndmakeeachprisonerpentUnwillinglyrepresentAsourceofinnocentmerriment，Ofinnocentmerriment！
Ballad:WillowWaly！
[HE。]PRITHEE，prettymaiden—prithee，tellmetrue（Hey，butI’mdoleful，willow，willowwaly！）
Haveyoue’eralovera—danglingafteryou？
Hey，willowwalyO！
IwouldfaindiscoverIfyouhavealover？
Hey，willowwalyO！
[SHE。]Gentlesir，myheartisfrolicsomeandfree—
（Hey，buthe’sdoleful，willow，willowwaly！）
NobodyIcareforcomesa—courtingme—
Hey，willowwalyO！
NobodyIcareforComesa—courting—therefore，Hey，willowwalyO！
[HE。]Prithee，prettymaiden，willyoumarryme？
（Hey，butI’mhopeful，willow，willowwaly！）
Imaysay，atonce，I’mamanofpropertee—
Hey，willowwalyO！
Money，Idespiseit，Butmanypeopleprizeit，Hey，willowwalyO！
[SHE。]Gentlesir，althoughtomarryIdesign—
（Hey，buthe’shopeful，willow，willowwaly！）
AsyetIdonotknowyou，andsoImustdecline。
Hey，willowwalyO！
Toothermaidensgoyou—
AsyetIdonotknowyou，Hey，willowwalyO！
Ballad:LifeIsLovelyAllTheYearWhenthebudsareblossoming，Smilingwelcometothespring，Loverschooseaweddingday—
LifeisloveinmerryMay！
Springisgreen—Fallalla！
Summer’srose—Fallalla！
ItissadwhenSummergoes，Falla！
Autumn’sgold—Fallalla！
Winter’sgrey—Fallalla！
Winterstillisfaraway—
Falla！
LeavesinAutumnfadeandfall;
Winteristheendofall。
Springandsummerteemwithglee:
Springandsummer，then，forme！
Falla！
IntheSpring—timeseedissown:
IntheSummergrassismown:
IntheAutumnyoumayreap:
Winteristhetimeforsleep。
Springishope—Fallalla！
Summer’sjoy—Fallalla！
SpringandSummernevercloy，Falla！
Autumn，toil—Fallalla！
Winter，rest—Fallalla！
Winter，afterall，isbest—
Falla！
Springandsummerpleasureyou，Autumn，ay，andwinter，too—
Everyseasonhasitscheer;
Lifeislovelyalltheyear！
Falla！
Ballad:TheUsher’sChargeNow，Jurymen，hearmyadvice—
AllkindsofvulgarprejudiceIprayyousetaside:
Withsternjudicialframeofmind—
Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！
Oh，listentotheplaintiff’scase:
Observethefeaturesofherface—
Thebroken—heartedbride！
Condolewithherdistressofmind—
Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！
Andwhenamidtheplaintiff’sshrieks，Theruffianlydefendantspeaks—
Upontheotherside;
WhatHEmaysayyouneednotmind—
Frombiasfreeofeverykind，Thistrialmustbetried！
Ballad:TheGreatOakTreeTheregrewalittleflower’Neathagreatoaktree:
Whenthetempest’gantolowerLittleheededshe:
Noneedhadshetocower，Forshedreadednotitspower—
ShewashappyinthebowerOfhergreatoaktree！
Singhey，Lackaday！
LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！
Whenshefoundthathewasfickle，Wasthatgreatoaktree，Shewasinaprettypickle，Asshewellmightbe—
Buthisgallantriesweremickle，ForDeathfollowedwithhissickle，AndhertearsbegantotrickleForhergreatoaktree！
Singhey，Lackaday！
LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！
Saidshe，\"Helovedmenever，Didthatgreatoaktree，ButI’mneitherrichnorclever，Andsowhyshouldhe？
Butthoughfateourfortunessever，TobeconstantI’llendeavour，Ay，foreverandforever，Tomygreatoaktree！\"
Singhey，Lackaday！
LetthetearsfallfreeFortheprettylittleflowerandthegreatoaktree！
Ballad:KingGoodheartTherelivedaKing，asI’vebeentoldInthewonder—workingdaysofold，Whenheartsweretwiceasgoodasgold，Andtwentytimesasmellow。
Goodtempertriumphedinhisface，AndinhishearthefoundaplaceForalltheerringhumanraceAndeverywretchedfellow。
WhenhehadRhenishwinetodrinkItmadehimverysadtothinkThatsome，atjunketoratjink，Mustbecontentwithtoddy:
Hewishedallmenasrichashe（Andhewasrichasrichcouldbe），SotothetopofeverytreePromotedeverybody。
Ambassadorscroppeduplikehay，PrimeMinistersandsuchastheyGrewlikeasparagusinMay，AndDukeswerethreeapenny:
LordChancellorswerecheapassprats，AndBishopsintheirshovelhatsWereplentifulastabbycats—
Ifpossible，toomany。
OneverysideField—Marshalsgleamed，SmallbeerwereLords—Lieutenantsdeemed，WithAdmiralstheoceanteemed，Allroundhiswidedominions;
AndPartyLeadersyoumightmeetIntwosandthreesineverystreetMaintaining，withnolittleheat，Theirvariousopinions。
ThatKing，althoughnoonedenies，Hisheartwasofabnormalsize，Yethe’dhaveactedotherwiseIfhehadbeenacuter。
Theendiseasilyforetold，WheneveryblessedthingyouholdIsmadeofsilver，orofgold，Youlongforsimplepewter。
WhenyouhavenothingelsetowearButclothofgoldandsatinsrare，Forclothofgoldyouceasetocare—
Upgoesthepriceofshoddy:
Inshort，whoeveryoumaybe，Tothisconclusionyou’llagree，Wheneveryoneissomebody，Thennoone’sanybody！
Ballad:SleepOn！
Fearnounlicensedentry，Heednobombastictalk，WhileguardstheBritishSentryPallMallandBirdcageWalk。
LetEuropeanthundersOccasionnoalarms，ThoughdiplomaticblundersMaycauseacry\"Toarms！\"
Sleepon，yepalecivilians;
Allthunder—cloudsdefy:
OnEurope’scountlessmillionsTheSentrykeepshiseye！
Shouldforeign—bornrapscallionsInLondondaretoshowTheirovergrownbattalions，BesureI’llletyouknow。
ShouldRussiansorNorwegiansPolluteourfavouredclimeWithroughbarbariclegions，I’llmentionitintime。
Sosleepinpeace，civilians，TheContinentdefy;
WhileonitscountlessmillionsTheSentrykeepshiseye！
Ballad:TheLove—SickBoyWhenfirstmyold，oldloveIknew，Mybosomwelledwithjoy;
MyrichesatherfeetIthrew;
Iwasalove—sickboy！
NotermsseemedtooextravagantUponhertoemploy—
Iusedtomope，andsigh，andpant，Justlikealove—sickboy！
Butjoyincessantpallsthesense;
Andloveunchangedwillcloy，AndshebecameaboreintenseUntoherlove—sickboy？
Withfitfulglimmerburntmyflame，AndIgrewcoldandcoy，Atlast，onemorning，IbecameAnother’slove—sickboy！
Ballad:PoetryEverywhereWhattimethepoethathhymnedThewrithingmaid，lithe—limbed，Quiveringonamaranthineasphodel，Howcanhepaintherwoes，Knowing，aswellheknows，Thatallcanbesetrightwithcalomel？
Whenfromthepoet’splinthTheamorouscolocynthYearnsforthealoe，faintwithrapturousthrills，HowcanhehymntheirthroesKnowing，aswellheknows，Thattheyareonlyuncompoundedpills？
Isit，andcanitbe，Naturehaththisdecree，Nothingpoeticintheworldshalldwell？
OrthatinallherworksSomethingpoeticlurks，Evenincolocynthandcalomel？
Ballad:HeLoves！
Heloves！IfinthebygoneyearsThineeyeshaveevershedTears—bitter，unavailingtears，Foroneuntimelydead—
IfintheeventideoflifeSadthoughtsofherarise，ThenletthememoryofthywifePleadformyboy—hedies！
Hedies！IffondlylaidasideInsomeoldcabinet，Memorialsofthylong—deadbrideLie，dearlytreasuredyet，Thenletherhallowedbridaldress—
Herlittledaintygloves—
Herwitheredflowers—herfadedtress—
Pleadformyboy—heloves！
Ballad:TrueDiffidenceMyboy，youmaytakeitfromme，ThatofalltheafflictionsaccurstWithwhichaman’ssaddledAndhamperedandaddled，Adiffidentnature’stheworst。
Thoughcleverasclevercanbe—
ACrichtonofearlyromance—
Youmuststiritandstumpit，Andblowyourowntrumpet，Or，trustme，youhaven’tachance。
Nowtake，forexample，MYcase:
I’veabrightintellectualbrain—
InallLondoncityThere’snoonesowitty—
I’vethoughtsoagainandagain。
I’veahighlyintelligentface—
Myfeaturescannotbedenied—
But，whateverItry，sir，Ifailin—andwhy，sir？
I’mmodestypersonified！
Asapoet，I’mtenderandquaint—
I’vepassionandfervourandgrace—
FromOvidandHoraceToSwinburneandMorris，Theyallofthemtakeabackplace。
ThenIsingandIplayandIpaint;
ThoughnoneareaccomplishedasI，Tosaysoweretreason:
Youaskmethereason？
I’mdiffident，modest，andshy！
Ballad:TheTangledSkeinTrywelife—long，wecanneverStraightenoutlife’stangledskein，Whyshouldwe，invainendeavour，Guessandguessandguessagain？
Life’sapuddingfullofplumsCare’sacankerthatbenumbs。
WhereforewasteourelocutionOnimpossiblesolution？
Life’sapleasantinstitution，Letustakeitasitcomes！
Setasidethedullenigma，Weshallguessitalltoosoon;
Failurebringsnokindofstigma—
Dancewetoanothertune！
Stringthelyreandfillthecup，Lestonsorrowweshouldsup;
HopandskiptoFancy’sfiddle，Handsacrossanddownthemiddle—
Life’sperhapstheonlyriddleThatweshrinkfromgivingup！
Ballad:MyLadyBedeckedinfashiontrim，Witheverycurla—quiver;
Orleaping，lightoflimb，O’errivuletandriver;
Orskippingo’ertheleaOndaffodilanddaisy;
Orstretchedbeneathatree，Alllanguishingandlazy;
Whateverbehermood—
BeshedemurelyprudeOrlanguishinglylazy—
Myladydrivesmecrazy！
Invainherheartiswooed，Whateverbehermood！
WhatprofitshouldIgainSupposeshelovedmedearly？
HercoldnessturnsmybrainToVERGEofmadnessmerely。
Herkiss—though，Heavenknows，Todreamofitweretreason—
Wouldtend，asIsuppose，Toutterlossofreason！
Mystateisnotamiss;
IwouldnothaveakissWhich，inoroutofseason，Mighttendtolossofreason:
Whatprofitinsuchbliss？
Afigforsuchakiss！
Ballad:OneAgainstTheWorldIt’smyopinion—thoughIownInthinkingsoI’mquitealone—
InsomerespectsI’mbutafright。
YOUlikemyfeatures，Isuppose？
I’Mdisappointedwithmynose:
Someraveaboutit—perhapsthey’reright。
Myfigurejustsetsoffafit;
Butwhentheysayit’sexquisite（AndtheyDOsayso），that’stoostrong。
IhopeI’mnotwhatpeoplecallOpinionated！Afterall，I’mbutagoose，andmaybewrong！
WhencharmsenthralThere’ssomeexcuseFormeasuresstrong;
AndafterallI’mbutagoose，Andmaybewrong！
Myteethareveryneat，nodoubt;
ButafteralltheyMAYfallout:
Ithinktheywill—somethinktheywon’t。
Myhandsaresmall，asyoumaysee，Butnotassmallastheymightbe，Atleast，Ithinkso—othersdon’t。
Butthere，agirlmaypreachandprateFrommorningsixtoeveningeight，Andneverstoptodine，Whenalltheworld，althoughmisled，Isquiteagreedonanyhead—
Anditisquiteagreedonmine！
Allsaidanddone，It’slittleI
Againstathrong。
I’monlyone，AndpossiblyImaybewrong！
Ballad:PutAPennyInTheSlotIfmyaction’sstiffandcrude，Donotlaugh，becauseit’srude。
Ifmygesturespromiselarks，Donotmakeunkindremarks。
ClockworkfiguresmaybefoundEverywhereandallaround。
Tentoone，ifIbutknew，Youareclockworkfigurestoo。
Andthemottoofthelot，\"Putapennyintheslot！\"
Usurer，formoneylent，Makingouthiscentpercent—
Widowplumpormaidenrare，Deafanddumbtosuitor’sprayer—
Taxcollectors，whominvainYouimploreto\"callagain\"—
Cautiousvoter，whomyoufindSlowinmakinguphismind—
Ifyou’dmovethemonthespot，Putapennyintheslot！
Blandreportersinthecourts，Whosuppresspolicereports—
Sheriff’syeoman，peninfist，Makingoutajurylist—
Sternpolicemen，tallandspare，Actingall\"uponthesquare\"—
（Whichinwordsthatplainerfall，Meansthatyoucansquarethemall）—
Ifyouwanttomovethelot，Putapennyintheslot！
Ballad:GoodLittleGirlsAlthoughofnativemaidsthecream，We’rebroughtupontheEnglishscheme—
ThebestofallForgreatandsmallWhomodestyadore。
ForEnglishgirlsaregoodasgold，Extremelymodest（sowe’retold），Demurelycoy—divinelycold—
Andwearethat—andmore。
Topleasepapa，whoarguesthus—
Allgirlsshouldmouldthemselvesonus，Becauseweare，Byfurlongsfar，Thebestofallthebunch;
WeshowourselvestoloudapplauseFromtentofourwithoutapause—
WhichisanawkwardtimebecauseItcutsintoourlunch。
Oh，maidsofhighandlowdegree，Whosesocialcodeisratherfree，PleaselookatusandyouwillseeWhatgoodyoungladiesoughttobe！
Andaswestand，likeclockworktoys，AlecturerpapaemploysTopuffandpraiseOurmodestwaysAndguilelesscharacter—
Ourwell—knownblush—ourdowncasteyes—
Ourfamouslookofmildsurprise（Whichcompetitionstilldefies）—
Ourcelebrated\"Sir！！！\"
ThenallthecrowdtakedownourlooksInpocketmemorandumbooks。
Todiagnose，OurmodestposeThekodaksdotheirbest:
IfevidenceyouwouldpossessOfwhatismaidenbashfulness，Youonlyneedabuttonpress—
AndWEdoalltherest。
Ballad:LifeFirstyou’reborn—andI’llbeboundyouFindadozenstrangersroundyou。
\"Hallo，\"criesthenew—bornbaby，\"Where’smyparents？whichmaytheybe？\"
Awkwardsilence—noreply—
Puzzledbabywonderswhy！
Fatherrises，bowspolitely—
Mothersmiles（butnottoobrightly）—
Doctormumbleslikeadumbthing—
Nurseisbusymixingsomething。—
EverysymptomtendstoshowYou’redecidedlyDETROP—
Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！he！ho！ho！
Time’steetotum，Ifyouspinit，GiveitsquotumOnceaminute:
I’llgobailYouhitthenail，AndifyoufailThedeuceisinit！
Yougrowup，andyoudiscoverWhatitistobealover。
Someyoungladyisselected—
Poor，perhaps，butwell—connected，Whomyouhail（forLoveisblindAstheQueenofFairy—kind。
Thoughshe’splain—perhapsunsightly，Makesherfaceup—lacestightly，InherformyourfancytracesAllthegiftsofallthegraces。
Rivalsnonethemaidenwoo，Soyoutakeherandshetakesyou！
Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！
Jokebeginning，Neverceases，TillyourinningTimereleases;
OnyourwayYoublindlystray，AnddaybydayThejokeincreases！
Tenyearslater—Timeprogresses—
Soursyourtemper—thinsyourtresses;
Fancy，then，herchainrelaxes;
Ratesarefactsandsoaretaxes。
FairyQueen’snolongeryoung—
FairyQueenhassuchatongue！
Twinshaveprobablyintruded—
Quiteunbidden—justasyoudid;
They’reasourceofcareandtrouble—
Justasyouwere—onlydouble。
Comesatlastthefinalstroke—
Timehashadhislittlejoke！
Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！
Dailydriven（Wifeasdrover）
Illyou’vethriven—
Ne’erinclover:
Lastly，whenThreescoreandten（Andnottillthen），Thejokeisover！
Ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！ho！
Then—andthenThejokeisover！
Ballad:LimitedLiabilitySomesevenmenformanAssociation（Ifpossible，allPeersandBaronets），TheystartoffwithapublicdeclarationTowhatextenttheymeantopaytheirdebts。
That’scalledtheirCapital:iftheyarewaryTheywillnotquoteitatasumimmense。
Thefigure’simmaterial—itmayvaryFromeighteenmilliondowntoeighteenpence。
Ishouldputitratherlow;
ThegoodsenseofdoingsoWillbeevidentatoncetoanydebtor。
Whenit’slefttoyoutosayWhatamountyoumeantopay，Why，theloweryoucanputitat，thebetter。
Theythenproceedtotradewithallwho’lltrust’em，Quiteirrespectiveoftheircapital（It’sshady，butit’ssanctifiedbycustom）;
Bank，Railway，Loan，orPanamaCanal。
Youcan’tembarkontradingtootremendous—
It’sstrictlyfair，andbasedoncommonsense—
Ifyousucceed，yourprofitsarestupendous—
Andifyoufail，popgoesyoureighteenpence。
Makethemoney—spinnerspin！
Foryouonlystandtowin，Andyou’llneverwithdishonestybetwitted。
Fornobodycanknow，Toamillionorso，Towhatextentyourcapital’scommitted！
Ifyoucometogrief，andcreditorsarecraving（FornothingthatisplannedbymortalheadIscertaininthisValeofSorrow—savingThatone’sLiabilityisLimited），—
Doyousupposethatsignifiesperdition？
Ifsoyou’rebutamonetarydunce—
YoumerelyfileaWinding—UpPetition，AndstartanotherCompanyatonce！
ThoughaRothschildyoumaybeInyourowncapacity，AsaCompanyyou’vecometouttersorrow—
ButtheLiquidatorssay，\"Nevermind—youneedn’tpay，\"
SoyoustartanotherCompanyto—morrow！
Ballad:AnglicisedUtopiaSocietyhasquiteforsakenallherwickedcourses，Whichemptiesourpolicecourts，andabolishesdivorces。
（DivorceisnearlyobsoleteinEngland。）
Notoleranceweshowtoundeservingrankandsplendour;
Forthehigherhispositionis，thegreatertheoffender。
（That’samaximthatisprevalentinEngland。）
NoPeeressatourDrawing—RoombeforethePresencepassesWhowouldn’tbeacceptedbythelower—middleclasses;
Eachshadydame，whateverbeherrank，isbowedoutneatly。
Inshort，thishappycountryhasbeenAnglicisedcompletely！
ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland;
Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！
Ourcitywehavebeautified—we’vedoneitwilly—nilly—
Andallthatisn’tBelgraveSquareisStrandandPiccadilly。
（Theyhaven’tanyslummeriesinEngland。）
Wehavesolvedthelabourquestionwithdiscriminationpolished，Sopovertyisobsoleteandhungerisabolished—
（TheyaregoingtoabolishitinEngland。）
TheChamberlainournativestagehaspurged，beyondaquestion，Of\"risky\"situationandindelicatesuggestion;
Nopieceistoleratedifit’scostumedindiscreetly—
Inshort，thishappycountryhasbeenAnglicisedcompletely！
ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland;
Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！
OurPeeragewe’veremodelledonanintellectualbasis，Whichcertainlyisroughonourhereditaryraces—
（TheyaregoingtoremodelitinEngland。）
TheBrewersandtheCottonLordsnolongerseekadmission，AndLiteraryMeritmeetswithproperrecognition—
（AsLiteraryMeritdoesinEngland！）
WhoknowsbutwemaycountamongourintellectualchickensLikethemanEarlofThackerayandp’rapsaDukeofDickens—
LordFildesandViscountMillais（whentheycome）we’llwelcomesweetly—
Andthen，thishappycountrywillbeAnglicisedcompletely！
ItreallyissurprisingWhatathoroughAnglicisingWe’vebroughtabout—Utopia’squiteanotherland;
Inherenterprisingmovements，SheisEngland—withimprovements，Whichwedutifullyoffertoourmother—land！
Ballad:AnEnglishGirlAwonderfuljoyoureyestobless，Inhermagnificentcomeliness，IsanEnglishgirlofelevenstonetwo，Andfivefootteninherdancingshoe！
Shefollowsthehounds，andonshepounds—
The\"field\"tailsoffandthemuffsdiminish—
Overthehedgesandbrooksshebounds—
Straightasacrow，fromfindtofinish。
Atcricket，herkinwillloseorwin—
Sheandhermaids，ongrassandclover，Elevenmaidsout—elevenmaidsin—
（Andperhapsanoccasional\"maidenover\"）。
Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！
Withaten—milespinshestretchesherlimbs，Shegolfs，shepunts，sherows，sheswims—
Sheplays，shesings，shedances，too，Fromtenoreleventillallisblue！
Atballordrum，tillsmallhourscome（Chaperon’sfanconcealsheryawning），She’llwaltzawaylikeateetotum，Andnevergohometilldaylight’sdawning。
Lawntennismayshareherfavoursfair—
Hereyesa—danceandhercheeksa—glowing—
Downcomesherhair，butwhatdoesshecare？
It’sallherownandit’sworththeshowing！
Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！
Hersoulissweetastheoceanair，Forpruderyknowsnohaventhere;
Tofindmock—modesty，pleaseapplyTotheconsciousblushandthedowncasteye。
Richinthethingscontentmentbrings，Ineverypureenjoymentwealthy，Blitheasabeautifulbirdshesings，Forbodyandmindarehaleandhealthy。
Hereyestheythrillwithrightgoodwill—
Herheartislightasafloatingfeather—
AspureandbrightasthemountainrillThatleapsandlaughsintheHighlandheather！
Gosearchtheworldandsearchthesea，ThencomeyouhomeandsingwithmeThere’snosuchgoldandnosuchpearlAsabrightandbeautifulEnglishgirl！
Ballad:AManager’sPerplexitiesWereIakinginverytruth，Andhadason—aguilelessyouth—
Inprobablesuccession;