Mr。Howells—thatpoemofhisisadmirable;that\'sthewaytotreataperson。Howellshasapeculiargiftforseeingthemeritsofpeople,andhehasalwaysexhibitedtheminmyfavor。HowellshasneverwrittenanythingaboutmethatIcouldn\'treadsixorseventimesaday;heisalwaysjustandalwaysfair;hehaswrittenmoreappreciativelyofmethananyoneinthisworld,andpublisheditintheNorthAmericanReview。Hedidmethejusticetosaythatmyintentions—heitalicizedthat—thatmyintentionswerealwaysgood,thatIwoundedpeople\'sconventionsratherthantheirconvictions。
Now,Iwouldn\'twantanythinghandsomerthanthatsaidofme。I
wouldratherwait,withanythingharshImighthavetosay,tilltheconvictionsbecomeconventions。Bangshastracedmeallthewaydown。Hecan\'tfindthathonestman,butIwilllookforhiminthelooking—glasswhenIgethome。ItwasintimatedbytheColonelthatitisNewEnglandthatmakesNewYorkandbuildsupthiscountryandmakesitgreat,overlookingthefactthatthere\'salotofpeopleherewhocamefromelsewhere,likeJohnHayfromawayoutWest,andHowellsfromOhio,andSt。ClairMcKelwayandmefromMissouri,andwearedoingwhatwecantobuildupNewYorkalittle—elevateit。Why,whenIwaslivinginthatvillageofHannibal,Missouri,onthebanksoftheMississippi,andHayupinthetownofWarsaw,alsoonthebanksoftheMississippiRiver—itisanemotionalbitoftheMississippi,andwhenitislowwateryouhavetoclimbuptoitonaladder,andwhenitfloodsyouhavetohuntforitwithadeep—sealead—butitisagreatandbeautifulcountry。Inthatoldtimeitwasaparadiseforsimplicity—itwasasimple,simplelife,cheapbutcomfortable,andfullofsweetness,andtherewasnothingofthisrageofmoderncivilizationthereatall。Itwasadelectableland。IwentouttherelastJune,andImetinthattownofHannibalaschoolmateofmine,JohnBriggs,whomIhadnotseenformorethanfiftyyears。I
tellyou,thatwasameeting！ThatpalwhomIhadknownasalittleboylongago,andknewnowasastatelymanthreeorfourinchesoversixfeetandbrownedbyexposuretomanyclimes,hewasbacktheretoseethatoldplaceagain。Wespentawholeafternoongoingabouthereandthereandyonder,andhuntingupthescenesandtalkingofthecrimeswhichwehadcommittedsolongago。Itwasaheartbreakingdelight,fullofpathos,laughter,andtears,allmixedtogether;andwecalledtherolloftheboysandgirlsthatwepicnickedandsweetheartedwithsomanyyearsago,andtherewerehardlyhalfadozenofthemleft;therestwereintheirgraves;andwewentupthereonthesummitofthathill,atreasuredplaceinmymemory,thesummitofHoliday\'sHill,andlookedoutagainoverthatmagnificentpanoramaoftheMississippiRiver,sweepingalongleagueafterleague,alevelgreenparadiseononeside,andretreatingcapesandpromontoriesasfarasyoucouldseeontheother,fadingawayinthesoft,richlightsoftheremotedistance。IrecognizedthenthatIwasseeingnowthemostenchantingriverviewtheplanetcouldfurnish。IneverknewitwhenIwasaboy;ittookaneducatedeyethathadtravelledovertheglobetoknowandappreciateit;andJohnsaid,\"CanyoupointouttheplacewhereBearCreekusedtobebeforetherailroadcame？\"Isaid,\"Yes,itranalongyonder。\"\"Andcanyoupointouttheswimming—hole？\"\"Yes,outthere。\"Andhesaid,\"Canyoupointouttheplacewherewestoletheskiff？\"Well,Ididn\'tknowwhichonehemeant。Suchawildernessofeventshadintervenedsincethatday,morethanfiftyyearsago,ittookmemorethanfiveminutestocallbackthatlittleincident,andthenIdidcallitback;itwasawhiteskiff,andwepainteditredtoallaysuspicion。Andthesaddest,saddestmancamealong—astrangerhewas—
andhelookedthatredskiffoversopathetically,andhesaid:\"Well,ifitweren\'tforthecomplexionI\'dknowwhoseskiffthatwas。\"Hesaiditinthatpleadingway,youknow,thatappealsforsympathyandsuggestion;wewerefullofsympathyforhim,butweweren\'tinanyconditiontooffersuggestions。Icanseehimyetasheturnedawaywiththatsamesadlookonhisfaceandvanishedoutofhistoryforever。Iwonderwhatbecameofthatman。Iknowwhatbecameoftheskiff。Well,itwasabeautifullife,alovelylife。Therewasnocrime。Merelylittlethingslikepillagingorchardsandwatermelon—patchesandbreakingtheSabbath—wedidn\'tbreaktheSabbathoftenenoughtosignify—onceaweekperhaps。Butweweregoodboys,goodPresbyterianboys,allPresbyterianboys,andloyalandallthat;anyway,weweregoodPresbyterianboyswhentheweatherwasdoubtful;whenitwasfair,wedidwanderalittlefromthefold。
LookatJohnHayandme。Therewewereinobscurity,andlookwherewearenow。Considertheladderwhichhehasclimbed,theillustriousvocationshehasserved—andvocationsistherightword;hehasinallthosevocationsacquittedhimselfwithhighcreditandhonortohiscountryandtothemotherthatborehim。Scholar,soldier,diplomat,poet,historian—now,seewhereweare。HeisSecretaryofStateandIamagentleman。Itcouldnothappeninanyothercountry。Ourinstitutionsgivementhepositionsthatofrightbelongtothemthroughmerit;allyoumenhavewonyourplaces,notbyheredities,andnotbyfamilyinfluenceorextraneoushelp,butonlybythenaturalgiftsGodgaveyouatyourbirth,madeeffectivebyyourownenergies;thisisthecountrytolivein。
Now,thereisoneinvisibleguesthere。Apartofmeispresent;thelargerpart,thebetterpart,isyonderatherhome;thatismywife,andshehasagoodmanypersonalfriendshere,andIthinkitwon\'tdistressanyoneofthemtoknowthat,althoughsheisgoingtobeconfinedtothatbedformanymonthstocomefromthatnervousprostration,thereisnotanydangerandsheiscomingalongverywell—andIthinkitquiteappropriatethatIshouldspeakofher。I
knewherforthefirsttimejustinthesameyearthatIfirstknewJohnHayandTomReedandMr。Twichell—thirty—sixyearsago—andshehasbeenthebestfriendIhaveeverhad,andthatissayingagooddeal;shehasrearedmesheandTwichelltogether—andwhatI
amIowetothem。Twichell—why,itissuchapleasuretolookuponTwichell\'sface！Forfive—and—twentyyearsIwasundertheRev。Mr。
Twichell\'stuition,Iwasinhispastorate,occupyingapewinhischurch,andheldhiminduereverence。Thatmanisfullofallthegracesthatgotomakeapersoncompanionableandbeloved;andwhereverTwichellgoestostartachurchthepeopleflocktheretobuytheland;theyfindrealestategoesupallaroundthespot,andtheenviousandthethoughtfulalwaystrytogetTwichelltomovetotheirneighborhoodandstartachurch;andwhereveryouseehimgoyoucangoandbuylandtherewithconfidence,feelingsurethattherewillbeadoublepriceforyoubeforeverylong。IamnotsayingthistoflatterMr。Twichell;itisthefact。ManyandmanyatimeIhaveattendedtheannualsaleinhischurch,andboughtupallthepewsonamargin—anditwouldhavebeenbetterformespirituallyandfinanciallyifIhadstayedunderhiswing。
Ihavetriedtodogoodinthisworld,anditismarvellousinhowmanydifferentwaysIhavedonegood,anditiscomfortabletoreflect—now,there\'sMr。Rogers—justoutoftheaffectionIbearthatmanmanyatimeIhavegivenhimpointsinfinancethathehadneverthoughtof—andifhecouldlayasideenvy,prejudice,andsuperstition,andutilizethoseideasinhisbusiness,itwouldmakeadifferenceinhisbankaccount。
Well,Ilikethepoetry。Ilikeallthespeechesandthepoetry,too。IlikedDoctorVanDyke\'spoem。IwishIcouldreturnthanksinpropermeasuretoyou,gentlemen,whohavespokenandviolatedyourfeelingstopaymecompliments;someweremeritedandsomeyouoverlooked,itistrue;andColonelHarveydidslandereveryoneofyou,andputthingsintomymouththatIneversaid,neverthoughtofatall。
Andnow,mywifeandI,outofoursingleheart,returnyouourdeepestandmostgratefulthanks,and—yesterdaywasherbirthday。
TOTHEWHITEFRIARS。
ADDRESSATTHEDINNERGIVENBYTHEWHITEFRIARS
CLUBINHONOROFMR。CLEMENS,LONDON,JUNE20,1899。
TheWhitefriarsClubwasfoundedbyDr。SamuelJohnson,andMr。
Clemenswasmadeanhonorarymemberin1874。ThemembersarerepresentativeofliteraryandjournalisticLondon。Thetoastof\"OurGuest\"wasproposedbyLouisF。Austin,oftheIllustratedLondonNews,andinthecourseofsomehumorousremarkshereferredtothevowandtotheimaginarywoesofthe\"Friars,\"asthemembersoftheclubstylethemselves。
MR。CHAIRMANANDBRETHRENOFTHEVOW—inwhateverthevowis;foralthoughIhavebeenamemberofthisclubforfive—and—twentyyears,Idon\'tknowanymoreaboutwhatthatvowisthanMr。Austinseemsto。Butwhateverthevowis,Idon\'tcarewhatitis。Ihavemadeathousandvows。
Thereisnopleasurecomparabletomakingavowinthepresenceofonewhoappreciatesthatvow,inthepresenceofmenwhohonorandappreciateyouformakingthevow,andmenwhoadmireyouformakingthevow。
Thereisonlyonepleasurehigherthanthat,andthatistogetoutsideandbreakthevow。Avowisalwaysapledgeofsomekindorotherfortheprotectionofyourownmoralsandprinciplesorsomebodyelse\'s,andgenerally,bytheironyoffate,itisfortheprotectionofyourownmorals。
Hencewehavepledgesthatmakeuseschewtobaccoorwine,andwhileyouaretakingthepledgethereisaholyinfluenceaboutthatmakesyoufeelyouarereformed,andthatyoucanneverbesohappyagaininthisworlduntil—yougetoutsideandtakeadrink。
IhadforgottenthatIwasamemberofthisclub—itissolongago。
ButnowIrememberthatIwasherefive—and—twentyyearsago,andthatIwasthenatadinneroftheWhitefriarsClub,anditwasinthoseolddayswhenyouhadjustmadetwogreatfinds。AllLondonwastalkingaboutnothingelsethanthattheyhadfoundLivingstone,andthatthelostSirRogerTichbornehadbeenfound—andtheyweretryinghimforit。
Andatthedinner,Chairman—（Idonotknowwhohewas）—failedtocometotime。Thegentlemanwhohadbeenappointedtopaymethecustomarycomplimentsandtointroducemeforgotthecompliments,anddidnotknowwhattheywere。
AndGeorgeAugustusSalacameinatthelastmoment,justwhenIwasabouttogowithoutcomplimentsaltogether。Andthatmanwasagiftedman。Theyjustcalledonhiminstantaneously,whilehewasgoingtositdown,tointroducethestranger,andSalamadeoneofthosemarvellousspeecheswhichhewascapableofmaking。IthinknomantalkedsofastasSaladid。Onedidnotneedwinewhilehewasmakingaspeech。Therapidityofhisutterancemadeamandrunkinaminute。Anincomparablespeechwasthat,animpromptuspeech,andanimpromptuspeechisaseldomthing,andhediditsowell。
HewentintothewholehistoryoftheUnitedStates,andmadeitentirelynewtome。HefilleditwithepisodesandincidentsthatWashingtonneverheardof,andhediditsoconvincinglythatalthoughIknewnoneofithadhappened,fromthatdaytothisIdonotknowanyhistorybutSala\'s。
Idonotknowanythingsosadasadinnerwhereyouaregoingtogetupandsaysomethingby—and—by,andyoudonotknowwhatitis。Yousitandwonderandwonderwhatthegentlemanisgoingtosaywhoisgoingtointroduceyou。Youknowthatifhesayssomethingsevere,thatifhewillderideyou,ortraduceyou,ordoanythingofthatkind,hewillfurnishyouwithatext,becauseanybodycangetupandtalkagainstthat。
Anybodycangetupandstraightenouthischaracter。Butwhenagentlemangetsupandmerelytellsthetruthaboutyou,whatcanyoudo？
Mr。Austinhasdonewell。HehassuppliedsomanytextsthatI
willhavetodropoutalotofthem,andthatisaboutasdifficultaswhenyoudonothaveanytextatall。Now,hemadeabeautifulandsmoothspeechwithoutanydifficultyatall,andIcouldhavedonethatifIhadgoneonwiththeschoolingwithwhichIbegan。Iseehereagentlemanonmyleftwhowasmymasterintheartoforatorymorethantwenty—fiveyearsago。
WhenIlookupontheinspiringfaceofMr。Depew,itcarriesmealongwayback。Anoldandvaluedfriendofmineishe,andIsawhiscareerasitcamealong,andithasreachedprettywelluptonow,whenhe,byanothermiscarriageofjustice,isaUnitedStatesSenator。ButthoseweredelightfuldayswhenIwastakinglessonsinoratory。
Myothermaster—theAmbassador—isnothereyet。UnderthosetwogentlemenIlearnedtomakeafter—dinnerspeeches,anditwascharming。
YouknowtheNewEnglanddinneristhegreatoccasionontheothersideofthewater。ItisheldeveryyeartocelebratethelandingofthePilgrims。ThosePilgrimswerealotofpeoplewhowerenotneededinEngland,andyouknowtheyhadgreatrivalry,andtheywerepersuadedtogoelsewhere,andtheycharteredashipcalledMayflowerandsetsail,andIhavehearditsaidthattheypumpedtheAtlanticOceanthroughthatshipsixteentimes。
TheyfellinovertherewiththeDutchfromRotterdam,Amsterdam,andalotofotherplaceswithprofanenames,anditisfromthatgangthatMr。Depewisdescended。
Ontheotherhand,Mr。ChoateisdescendedfromthosePuritanswholandedonabitternightinDecember。EveryyearthosepeopleusedtomeetatagreatbanquetinNewYork,andthosemastersofmindinoratoryhadtomakespeeches。ItwasDoctorDepew\'sbusinesstogetupthereandapologizefortheDutch,andMr。ChoatehadtogetuplaterandexplainthecrimesofthePuritans,andgrand,beautifultimesweusedtohave。
ItiscuriousthatafterthatlonglapseoftimeImeettheWhitefriarsagain,somelookingasyoungandfreshasintheolddays,othersshowingacertainamountofwearandtear,andhere,afterallthistime,Ifindoneofthemastersoforatoryandtheothersnamedinthelist。
Andherewethreemeetagainasexilesononepretextoranother,andyouwillnoticethatwhileweareabsentthereisapleasingtranquillityinAmerica—abuildingupofpublicconfidence。Wearedoingthebestwecanforourcountry。Ithinkwehavespentourlivesinservingourcountry,andweneverserveittogreateradvantagethanwhenwegetoutofit。
Butimpromptuspeaking—thatiswhatIwastryingtolearn。Thatisadifficultthing。Iusedtodoitinthisway。Iusedtobeginaboutaweekahead,andwriteoutmyimpromptuspeechandgetitbyheart。ThenIbroughtittotheNewEnglanddinnerprintedonapieceofpaperinmypocket,sothatIcouldpassittothereportersallcutanddried,andinordertodoanimpromptuspeechasitshouldbedoneyouhavetoindicatetheplacesforpausesandhesitations。Iputthemallinit。Andthenyouwanttheapplauseintherightplaces。
WhenIgottotheplacewhereitshouldcomein,ifitdidnotcomeinIdidnotcare,butIhaditmarkedinthepaper。Andthesemastersofmindusedtowonderwhyitwasmyspeechcameoutinthemorninginthefirstperson,whiletheirswentthroughthebutcheryofsynopsis。
Idothatkindofspeech（Imeananoffhandspeech）,anddoitwell,andmakenomistakeinsuchawaytodeceivetheaudiencecompletelyandmakethataudiencebelieveitisanimpromptuspeech—thatisart。
IwasfrightenedoutofitatlastbyanexperienceofDoctorHayes。
HewasasortofNansenofthatday。HehadbeentotheNorthPole,anditmadehimcelebrated。Hehadevenseenthepolarbearclimbthepole。
HehadmadeoneofthosemagnificentvoyagessuchasNansenmade,andinthosedayswhenamandidanythingwhichgreatlydistinguishedhimforthemomenthehadtocomeontothelectureplatformandtellallaboutit。
DoctorHayeswasagreat,magnificentcreaturelikeNansen,superblybuilt。HewastoappearinBoston。Hewrotehislectureout,anditwashispurposetoreaditfrommanuscript;butinanevilhourheconcludedthatitwouldbeagoodthingtoprefaceitwithsomethingratherhandsome,poetical,andbeautifulthathecouldgetoffbyheartanddeliverasifitwerethethoughtofthemoment。
Hehadnothadmyexperience,andcouldnotdothat。Hecameontheplatform,heldhismanuscriptdown,andbeganwithabeautifulpieceoforatory。Hespokesomethinglikethis:
\"Whenalonelyhumanbeing,apigmyinthemidstofthearchitectureofnature,standssolitaryonthoseicywatersandlooksabroadtothehorizonandseesmightycastlesandtemplesofeternaliceraisinguptheirpinnaclestippedbythepencilofthedepartingsun—\"
Hereamancameacrosstheplatformandtouchedhimontheshoulder,andsaid:\"Oneminute。\"Andthentotheaudience:
\"IsMrs。JohnSmithinthehouse？Herhusbandhasslippedontheiceandbrokenhisleg。\"
AndyoucouldseetheMrs。JohnSmithsgetupeverywhereanddriftoutofthehouse,anditmadegreatgapseverywhere。ThenDoctorHayesbeganagain:\"Whenalonelyman,apigmyinthearchitecture—\"Thejanitorcameinagainandshouted:\"ItisnotMrs。JohnSmith！ItisMrs。JohnJones！\"
ThenalltheMrs。Jonesgotupandleft。Oncemorethespeakerstarted,andwasinthemidstofthesentencewhenhewasinterruptedagain,andtheresultwasthatthelecturewasnotdelivered。Butthelecturerinterviewedthejanitorafterwardinaprivateroom,andofthefragmentsofthejanitortheytook\"twelvebasketsful。\"
Now,Idon\'twanttositdownjustinthisway。IhavebeentalkingwithsomuchlevitythatIhavesaidnoseriousthing,andyouarereallynobetterorwiser,althoughRobertBuchananhassuggestedthatIamapersonwhodealsinwisdom。Ihavesaidnothingwhichwouldmakeyoubetterthanwhenyoucamehere。
Ishouldbesorrytositdownwithouthavingsaidoneseriouswordwhichyoucancarryhomeandrelatetoyourchildrenandtheoldpeoplewhoarenotabletogetaway。
Andthisisjustalittlemaximwhichhassavedmefrommanyadifficultyandmanyadisaster,andintimesoftribulationanduncertaintyhascometomyrescue,asitshalltoyoursifyouobserveitasIdodayandnight。
Ialwaysuseitinanemergency,andyoucantakeithomeasalegacyfromme,anditis:\"Whenindoubt,tellthetruth。\"
THEASCOTGOLDCUP。
ThenewsofMr。Clemens\'sarrivalinEnglandinJune,1907,wasannouncedinthepaperswithbigheadlines。Immediatelyfollowingtheannouncementwasthenews—alsowithbigheadlines—thattheAscotGoldCuphadbeenstolenthesameday。Thecombination,MARKTWAIN
ARRIVES—ASCOTCUPSTOLEN,amusedthepublic。TheLordMayorofLondongaveabanquetattheMansionHouseinhonorofMr。Clemens。
IDOassureyouthatIamnotsodishonestasIlook。IhavebeensobusytryingtorehabilitatemyhonoraboutthatAscotCupthatI
havehadnotimetoprepareaspeech。
IwasnotsohonestinformerdaysasIamnow,butIhavealwaysbeenreasonablyhonest。Well,youknowhowamanisinfluencedbyhissurroundings。OnceuponatimeIwenttoapublicmeetingwheretheoratoryofacharitableworkersoworkedonmyfeelingsthat,incommonwithothers,Iwouldhavedroppedsomethingsubstantialinthehat—ifithadcomeroundatthatmoment。
Thespeakerhadthepowerofputtingthosevividpicturesbeforeone。Wewereallaffected。Thatwasthemomentforthehat。Iwouldhaveputtwohundreddollarsin。BeforehehadfinishedIcouldhaveputinfourhundreddollars。IfeltIcouldhavefilledupablankcheck—withsomebodyelse\'sname—anddroppeditin。
Well,now,anotherspeakergotup,andinfifteenminutesdampedmyspirit;andduringthespeechofthethirdspeakerallmyenthusiasmwentaway。WhenatlastthehatcameroundIdroppedintencents—andtookouttwenty—five。
IcameoverheretogetthehonorarydegreefromOxford,andIwouldhaveencompassedthesevenseasforanhonorlikethat—thegreatesthonorthathaseverfallentomyshare。IamgratefultoOxfordforconferringthathonoruponme,andIamsuremycountryappreciatesit,becausefirstandforemostitisanhonortomycountry。
AndnowIamgoinghomeagainacrossthesea。Iaminspirityoungbutinthefleshold,sothatitisunlikelythatwhenIgoawayI
shalleverseeEnglandagain。ButIshallgowiththerecollectionofthegenerousandkindlywelcomeIhavehad。
IsupposeImustsay\"Good—bye。\"Isayitnotwithmylipsonly,butfromtheheart。
THESAVAGECLUBDINNER。
AportraitofMr。Clemens,signedbyallthemembersoftheclubattendingthedinner,waspresentedtohim,July6,1907,andinsubmittingthetoast\"TheHealthofMarkTwain\"Mr。J。ScottStokesrecalledthefactthathehadreadpartsofDoctorClemens\'sworkstoHaroldFredericduringFrederic\'slastillness。
MR。CHAIRMANANDFELLOW—SAVAGES,—Iamverygladindeedtohavethatportrait。IthinkitisthebestonethatIhaveeverhad,andtherehavebeenopportunitiesbeforetogetagoodphotograph。Ihavesattophotographerstwenty—twotimesto—day。ThosesittingsaddedtothosethathaveprecededthemsinceIhavebeeninEurope—ifweaverageatthatrate—musthavenumberedonehundredtotwohundredsittings。Outofallthosethereoughttobesomegoodphotographs。
ThisisthebestIhavehad,andIamgladtohaveyourhonorednamesonit。IdidnotknowHaroldFredericpersonally,butIhaveheardagreatdealabouthim,andnothingthatwasnotpleasantandnothingexceptsuchthingsasleadamantohonoranothermanandtolovehim。IconsiderthatitisamisfortuneofminethatIhaveneverhadthelucktomeethim,andifanybookofminereadtohiminhislasthoursmadethosehourseasierforhimandmorecomfortable,I
amverygladandproudofthat。IcalltomindsuchacasemanyyearsagoofanEnglishauthoress,wellknowninherday,whowrotesuchbeautifulchildtales,touchingandlovelyineverypossibleway。
InalittlebiographicalsketchofherIfoundthatherlasthourswerespentpartlyinreadingabookofmine,untilshewasnolongerabletoread。Thathasalwaysremainedinmymind,andIhavealwayscherisheditasoneofthegoodthingsofmylife。Ihadreadwhatshehadwritten,andhadlovedherforwhatshehaddone。
StanleyapparentlycarriedabookofminefeloniouslyawaytoAfrica,andIhavenotadoubtthatithadanobleandupliftinginfluencethereinthewildsofAfrica—becauseonhispreviousjourneyshenevercarriedanythingtoreadexceptShakespeareandtheBible。Ididnotknowofthatcircumstance。Ididnotknowthathehadcarriedabookofmine。Ionlynoticedthatwhenhecamebackhewasareformedman。IknewStanleyverywellinthoseolddays。
Stanleywasthefirstmanwhoeverreportedalectureofmine,andthatwasinSt。Louis。WhenIwasdowntherethenexttimetogivethesamelectureIwastoldtogivethemsomethingfresh,astheyhadreadthatinthepapers。ImetStanleyherewhenhecamebackfromthatfirstexpeditionofhiswhichclosedwiththefindingofLivingstone。YourememberhowhewouldbreakoutatthemeetingsoftheBritishAssociation,andfindfaultwithwhatpeoplesaid,becauseStanleyhadnotionsofhisown,andcouldnotcontainthem。Theyhadtocomeoutorbreakhimup—andsohewouldgoroundandaddressgeographicalsocieties。Hewasalwaysonthewar—pathinthosedays,andpeoplealwayshadtohaveStanleycontradictingtheirgeographyforthemandimprovingit。Buthealwayscamebackandsatdrinkingbeerwithmeinthehoteluptotwointhemorning,andhewasthenoneofthemostcivilizedhumanbeingsthateverwas。
Isawinanewspaperthiseveningareferencetoaninterviewwhichappearedinoneofthepaperstheotherday,inwhichtheinterviewersaidthatIcharacterizedMr。Birrell\'sspeechtheotherdayatthePilgrims\'Clubas\"bully。\"Now,ifyouwillexcuseme,I
neveruseslangtoanintervieweroranybodyelse。Thatdistressesme。
WhateverIsaidaboutMr。Birrell\'sspeechwassaidinEnglish,asgoodEnglishasanybodyuses。IfIcouldnotdescribeMr。Birrell\'sdelightfulspeechwithoutusingslangIwouldnotdescribeitatall。Iwouldclosemymouthandkeepitclosed,muchasitwoulddiscomfortme。
Nowthatcomesofinterviewingamaninthefirstperson,whichisanaltogetherwrongwaytointerviewhim。Itisentirelywrongbecausenoneofyou,I,oranybodyelse,couldinterviewaman—couldlistentoamantalkinganylengthoftimeandthengooffandreproducethattalkinthefirstperson。Itcan\'tbedone。Whatresultsismerelythattheinterviewergivesthesubstanceofwhatissaidandputsitinhisownlanguageandputsitinyourmouth。Itwillalwaysbeeitherbetterlanguagethanyouuseorworse,andinmycaseitisalwaysworse。IhaveagreatrespectfortheEnglishlanguage。Iamoneofitssupporters,itspromoters,itselevators。Idon\'tdegradeit。Aslipofthetonguewouldbethemostthatyouwouldgetfromme。
IhavealwaystriedhardandfaithfullytoimprovemyEnglishandnevertodegradeit。IalwaystrytousethebestEnglishtodescribewhatIthinkandwhatIfeel,orwhatIdon\'tfeelandwhatI
don\'tthink。
Iamnotoneofthosewhoinexpressingopinionsconfinethemselvestofacts。Idon\'tknowanythingthatmarsgoodliteraturesocompletelyastoomuchtruth。Factscontainadealofpoetry,butyoucan\'tusetoomanyofthemwithoutdamagingyourliterature。I
loveallliterature,andaslongasIamadoctorofliterature—I
havesuggestedtoyoufortwentyyearsIhavebeendiligentlytryingtoimprovemyownliterature,andnow,byvirtueoftheUniversityofOxford,Imeantodoctoreverybodyelse\'s。
NowIthinkIoughttoapologizeformyclothes。AthomeIventurethingsthatIamnotpermittedbymyfamilytoventureinforeignparts。IwasinstructedbeforeIlefthomeandorderedtorefrainfromwhiteclothesinEngland。Imeanttokeepthatcommandfairandclean,andIwouldhavedoneitifIhadbeeninthehabitofobeyinginstructions,butIcan\'tinventanewprocessinliferightaway。I
havenothadwhiteclothesonsinceIcrossedtheoceanuntilnow。
InthesethreeorfourweeksIhavegrownsotiredofgrayandblackthatyouhaveearnedmygratitudeinpermittingmetocomeasI
have。Iwearwhiteclothesinthedepthofwinterinmyhome,butI
don\'tgooutinthestreetsinthem。Idon\'tgoouttoattracttoomuchattention。Iliketoattractsome,andalwaysIwouldliketobedressedsothatImay,bemoreconspicuousthananybodyelse。
IfIhadbeenanancientBriton,Iwouldnothavecontentedmyselfwithbluepaint,butIwouldhavebankruptedtherainbow。IsoenjoygayclothesinwhichwomenclothethemselvesthatitalwaysgrievesmewhenIgototheoperatoseethat,whilewomenlooklikeaflower—bed,themenareafewgraystumpsamongthemintheirblackeveningdress。ThesearetwoorthreereasonswhyIwishtowearwhiteclothes。WhenIfindmyselfinassemblieslikethis,witheverybodyinblackclothes,IknowIpossesssomethingthatissuperiortoeverybodyelse\'s。Clothesareneverclean。Youdon\'tknowwhethertheyarecleanornot,becauseyoucan\'tsee。
Hereoranywhereyoumustscouryourheadeverytwoorthreedaysoritisfullofgrit。Yourclothesmustcollectjustasmuchdirtasyourhair。Ifyouwearwhiteclothesyouareclean,andyourcleaningbillgetssoheavythatyouhavetotakecare。IamproudtosaythatIcanwearawhitesuitofclotheswithoutablemishforthreedays。IfyouneedanyfurtherinstructioninthematterofclothesIshallbegladtogiveittoyou。IhopeIhaveconvincedsomeofyouthatitisjustaswelltowearwhiteclothesasanyotherkind。Idonotwanttoboast。Ionlywanttomakeyouunderstandthatyouarenotclean。
Astoage,thefactthatIamnearlyseventy—twoyearsolddoesnotclearlyindicatehowoldIam,becausepartofeveryday—itiswithmeaswithyou—youtrytodescribeyourage,andyoucannotdoit。Sometimesyouareonlyfifteen;sometimesyouaretwenty—five。
ItisveryseldominadaythatIamseventy—twoyearsold。IamoldernowsometimesthanIwaswhenIusedtoroborchards;athingwhichIwouldnotdotoday—iftheorchardswerewatched。Iamsogladtobehereto—night。IamsogladtorenewwiththeSavagesthatnowancienttimewhenIfirstsatwithacompanyofthisclubinLondonin1872。
Thatisalongtimeago。ButIdidstaywiththeSavagesanightinLondonlongago,andasIhadcomeintoaverystrangeland,andwaswithfriends,asIcouldsee,thathasalwaysremainedinmymindasapeculiarlyblessedevening,sinceitbroughtmeintocontactwithmenofmyownkindandmyownfeelings。
Iamgladtobehere,andtoseeyouallagain,becauseitisverylikelythatIshallnotseeyouagain。ItiseasierthanIthoughttocomeacrosstheAtlantic。Ihavebeenreceived,asyouknow,inthemostdelightfullygenerouswayinEnglandeversinceIcamehere。Itkeepsmechokedupallthetime。Everybodyissogenerous,andtheydoseemtogiveyousuchaheartywelcome。Nobodyintheworld,canappreciateithigherthanIdo。ItdidnotwaittillIgottoLondon,butwhenIcameashoreatTilburythestevedoresonthedockraisedthefirstwelcome—agoodandheartywelcomefromthemenwhodotheheavylaborintheworld,andsaveyouandmehavingtodoit。Theyarethemenwhowiththeirhandsbuildempiresandmakethemprosper。Itisbecauseofthemthattheothersarewealthyandcanliveinluxury。Theyreceivedmewitha\"Hurrah！\"thatwenttomyheart。Theyarethementhatbuildcivilization,andwithoutthemnocivilizationcanbebuilt。SoIcamefirsttotheauthorsandcreatorsofcivilization,andIblessedlyendthishappymeetingwiththeSavageswhodestroyit。
GENERALMILESANDTHEDOG。
Mr。ClemenswastheguestofhonoratadinnergivenbythePleiadesClubattheHotelBrevoort,December22,1907—ThetoastmasterintroducedtheguestoftheeveningwithahightributetohisplaceinAmericanliterature,sayingthathewasdeartotheheartsofallAmericans。
ITishardworktomakeaspeechwhenyouhavelistenedtocomplimentsfromthepowersinauthority。Acomplimentisahardtexttopreachto。Whenthechairmanintroducesmeasapersonofmerit,andwhenhesayspleasantthingsaboutme,Ialwaysfeellikeansweringsimplythatwhathesaysistrue;thatitisallright;
that,asfarasIamconcerned,thethingshesaidcanstandastheyare。Butyoualwayshavetosaysomething,andthatiswhatfrightensme。
IrememberoutinSydneyoncehavingtorespondtosomecomplimentarytoast,andmyonedesirewastoturninmytrackslikeanyotherworm—andrunforit。IwasrememberingthatoccasionatalaterdatewhenIhadtointroduceaspeaker。Hoping,then,tospurhisspeechbyputtinghim,injoke,onthedefensive,IaccusedhiminmyintroductionofeverythingIthoughtitimpossibleforhimtohavecommitted。WhenIfinishedtherewasanawfulcalm。Ihadbeentellinghislifehistorybymistake。
Onemustkeepupone\'scharacter。Earnacharacterfirstifyoucan,andifyoucan\'t,thenassumeone。FromthecodeofmoralsIhavebeenfollowingandrevisingandrevisingforseventy—twoyearsIrememberonedetail。AllmylifeIhavebeenhonest—comparativelyhonest。I
couldneverusemoneyIhadnotmadehonestly—Icouldonlylendit。