FROMTHEPREFACETOTHEENGLISHEDITIONOF
\"MARKTWAIN\'SSKETCHES。\"
IfIweretosellthereaderabarrelofmolasses,andhe,insteadofsweeteninghissubstantialdinnerwiththesameatjudiciousintervals,shouldeattheentirebarrelatonesitting,andthenabusemeformakinghimsick,Iwouldsaythathedeservedtobemadesickfornotknowinganybetterhowtoutilizetheblessingsthisworldaffords。AndifIselltothereaderthisvolumeofnonsense,andhe,insteadofseasoninghisgraverreadingwithachapterofitnowandthen,whenhisminddemandssuchrelaxation,unwiselyoverdoseshimselfwithseveralchaptersofitatasinglesitting,hewilldeservetobenauseated,andhewillhavenobodytoblamebuthimselfifheis。Thereisnomoresininpublishinganentirevolumeofnonsensethanthereisinkeepingacandy—storewithnohardwareinit。Itlieswhollywiththecustomerwhetherhewillinjurehimselfbymeansofeither,orwillderivefromthemthebenefitswhichtheywillaffordhimifheusestheirpossibilitiesjudiciously。
Respectfullysubmitted,THEAUTHOR。
THESTORYOFASPEECH。
Anaddressdeliveredin1877,andareviewofittwenty—nineyearslater。TheoriginalspeechwasdeliveredatadinnergivenbythepublishersofTheAtlanticMonthlyinhonoroftheseventiethanniversaryofthebirthofJohnGreenleafWhittier,attheHotelBrunswick,Boston,December17,1877。
THISisanoccasionpeculiarlymeetforthediggingupofpleasantreminiscencesconcerningliteraryfolk;thereforeIwilldroplightlyintohistorymyself。StandinghereontheshoreoftheAtlanticandcontemplatingcertainofitslargestliterarybillows,Iamremindedofathingwhichhappenedtomethirteenyearsago,whenIhadjustsucceededinstirringupalittleNevadianliterarypuddlemyself,whosespume—flakeswerebeginningtoblowthinlyCaliforniaward。IstartedaninspectiontrampthroughthesouthernminesofCalifornia。Iwascallowandconceited,andIresolvedtotrythevirtueofmynomdeguerre。
Iverysoonhadanopportunity。Iknockedataminer\'slonelylogcabininthefoot—hillsoftheSierrasjustatnightfall。Itwassnowingatthetime。Ajaded,melancholymanoffifty,barefooted,openedthedoortome。Whenheheardmynomdeguerrehelookedmoredejectedthanbefore。Heletmein—prettyreluctantly,Ithought—andafterthecustomarybaconandbeans,blackcoffeeandhotwhiskey,I
tookapipe。Thissorrowfulmanhadnotsaidthreewordsuptothistime。Nowhespokeupandsaid,inthevoiceofonewhoissecretlysuffering,\"You\'rethefourth—I\'mgoingtomove。\"\"Thefourthwhat？\"saidI。\"Thefourthlitterymanthathasbeenhereintwenty—fourhours—I\'mgoingtomove。\"\"Youdon\'ttellme！\"saidI;
\"whoweretheothers？\"\"Mr。Longfellow,Mr。Emerson,andMr。OliverWendellHolmes—consoundthelot！\"
YoucaneasilybelieveIwasinterested。Isupplicated—threehotwhiskeysdidtherest—andfinallythemelancholyminerbegan。Saidhe:
\"Theycameherejustatdarkyesterdayevening,andIlettheminofcourse。SaidtheyweregoingtotheYosemite。Theywerearoughlot,butthat\'snothing;everybodylooksroughthattravelsafoot。Mr。
Emersonwasaseedylittlebitofachap,red—headed。Mr。Holmeswasasfatasaballoon;heweighedasmuchasthreehundred,andhaddoublechinsallthewaydowntohisstomach。Mr。Longfellowwasbuiltlikeaprize—fighter。Hisheadwascroppedandbristly,likeasifhehadawigmadeofhair—brushes。Hisnoselaystraightdownhisface,likeafingerwiththeendjointtiltedup。Theyhadbeendrinking,Icouldseethat。Andwhatqueertalktheyused！Mr。
Holmesinspectedthiscabin,thenhetookmebythebuttonhole,andsayshe:
\"\'ThroughthedeepcavesofthoughtIhearavoicethatsings,Buildtheemorestatelymansions,Omysoul！\'
\"SaysI,\'Ican\'taffordit,Mr。Holmes,andmoreoverIdon\'twantto。\'BlamedifIlikeditprettywell,either,comingfromastranger,thatway。However,Istartedtogetoutmybaconandbeans,whenMr。
Emersoncameandlookedonawhile,andthenhetakesmeasidebythebuttonholeandsays:
\"\'Givemeagatesformymeat;
Givemecantharidstoeat;
Fromairandoceanbringmefoods,Fromallzonesandaltitudes。\'
\"SaysI,\'Mr。Emerson,ifyou\'llexcuseme,thisain\'tnohotel。\'
Youseeitsortofriledme—Iwarn\'tusedtothewaysoflitteryswells。ButIwentona—sweatingovermywork,andnextcomesMr。
Longfellowandbuttonholesme,andinterruptsme。Sayshe:
\"\'HonorbetoMudjekeewis！
YoushallhearhowPau—Puk—Keewis—\'
\"ButIbrokein,andsaysI,\'Begyourpardon,Mr。Longfellow,ifyou\'llbesokindastoholdyouryawpforaboutfiveminutesandletmegetthisgrubready,you\'lldomeproud。\'Well,sir,afterthey\'dfilledupIsetoutthejug。Mr。Holmeslooksatit,andthenhefiresupallofasuddenandyells:
\"\'Flashoutastreamofblood—redwine！
ForIwoulddrinktootherdays。\'
\"ByGeorge,Iwasgettingkindofworkedup。Idon\'tdenyit,I
wasgettingkindofworkedup。IturnstoMr。Holmes,andsaysI,\'Lookyhere,myfatfriend,I\'ma—runningthisshanty,andifthecourtknowsherself,you\'lltakewhiskeystraightoryou\'llgodry。\'
Them\'stheverywordsIsaidtohim。NowIdon\'twanttosasssuchfamouslitterypeople,butyouseetheykindofforcedme。Thereain\'tnothingunreasonable\'boutme;Idon\'tmindapasselofguestsa—treadin\'onmytailthreeorfourtimes,butwhenitcomestostandingonitit\'sdifferent,\'andifthecourtknowsherself,\'I
says,\'you\'lltakewhiskeystraightoryou\'llgodry。\'Well,betweendrinksthey\'dswellaroundthecabinandstrikeattitudesandspout;
andprettysoontheygotoutagreasyolddeckandwenttoplayingeuchreattencentsacorner—ontrust。Ibegantonoticesomeprettysuspiciousthings。Mr。Emersondealt,lookedathishand,shookhishead,says:
\"\'Iamthedoubterandthedoubt—\'
andca\'mlybunchedthehandsandwenttoshufflingforanewlayout。
Sayshe:
\"\'Theyreckonillwholeavemeout;
TheyknownotwellthesubtlewaysIkeep。
Ipassanddealagain！\'
\"Hang\'difhedidn\'tgoaheadanddoit,too！Oh,hewasacoolone！
Well,inaboutaminutethingswererunningprettytight,butallofasuddenIseebyMr。Emerson\'seyehejudgedhehad\'em。Hehadalreadycorralledtwotricks,andeachoftheothersone。Sonowhekindofliftsalittleinhischairandsays:
\"\'Itireofglobesandaces！—
Toolongthegameisplayed！\'
—anddownhefetchedarightbower。Mr。Longfellowsmilesassweetaspieandsays:
\"\'Thanks,thankstothee,myworthyfriend,Forthelessonthouhasttaught,\'
—andblamedifhedidn\'tdownwithanotherrightbower！Emersonclapshishandonhisbowie,Longfellowclapshisonhisrevolver,andIwentunderabunk。Therewasgoingtobetrouble;butthatmonstrousHolmesroseup,wobblinghisdoublechins,andsayshe,\'Order,gentlemen;thefirstmanthatdraws,I\'lllaydownonhimandsmotherhim！\'AllquietonthePotomac,youbet！
\"Theywereprettyhow—come—you—sobynow,andtheybeguntoblow。
Emersonsays,\'ThenobbiestthingIeverwrotewas\"BarbaraFrietchie。\"\'SaysLongfellow,\'Itdon\'tbeginwithmy\"BiglowPapers。\"\'SaysHolmes,\'My\"Thanatopis\"laysover\'emboth。\'Theymightynearendedinafight。Thentheywishedtheyhadsomemorecompany—andMr。Emersonpointedtomeandsays:
\"\'IsyondersqualidpeasantallThatthisproudnurserycouldbreed？\'
\"Hewasa—whettinghisbowieonhisboot—soIletitpass。Well,sir,nexttheytookitintotheirheadsthattheywouldlikesomemusic;sotheymademestandupandsing\"WhenJohnnyComesMarchingHome\"tillIdropped—atthirteenminutespastfourthismorning。
That\'swhatI\'vebeenthrough,myfriend。WhenIwokeatseven,theywereleaving,thankgoodness,andMr。Longfellowhadmyonlybootson,andhis\'nunderhisarm。SaysI,\'Holdon,there,Evangeline,whatareyougoingtodowiththem？\'Hesays,\'Goingtomaketrackswith\'em;
because:
\"\'LivesofgreatmenallremindusWecanmakeourlivessublime;
And,departing,leavebehindusFootprintsonthesandsoftime。\'
AsIsaid,Mr。Twain,youarethefourthintwenty—fourhours—andI\'mgoingtomove;Iain\'tsuitedtoalitteryatmosphere。\"
Isaidtotheminer,\"Why,mydearsir,thesewerenotthegracioussingerstowhomweandtheworldpaylovingreverenceandhomage;thesewereimpostors。\"
Theminerinvestigatedmewithacalmeyeforawhile;thensaidhe,\"Ah！impostors,werethey？Areyou？\"
Ididnotpursuethesubject,andsincethenIhavenottravelledonmynomdeguerreenoughtohurt。SuchwasthereminiscenceIwasmovedtocontribute,Mr。Chairman。InmyenthusiasmImayhaveexaggeratedthedetailsalittle,butyouwilleasilyforgivemethatfault,sinceIbelieveitisthefirsttimeIhaveeverdeflectedfromperpendicularfactonanoccasionlikethis。
FromMarkTwain\'sAutobiography。
January11,1906。
Answertoaletterreceivedthismorning:
DEARMRS。H。,—Iamforeveryourdebtorforremindingmeofthatcuriouspassageinmylife。Duringthefirstyearortwoafterithappened,Icouldnotbeartothinkofit。Mypainandshameweresointense,andmysenseofhavingbeenanimbecilesosettled,establishedandconfirmed,thatIdrovetheepisodeentirelyfrommymind—andsoallthesetwenty—eightortwenty—nineyearsIhavelivedintheconvictionthatmyperformanceofthattimewascoarse,vulgar,anddestituteofhumor。Butyoursuggestionthatyouandyourfamilyfoundhumorinittwenty—eightyearsagomovedmetolookintothematter。SoIcommissionedaBostontypewritertodelveamongtheBostonpapersofthatbygonetimeandsendmeacopyofit。
Itcamethismorning,andifthereisanyvulgarityaboutitIamnotabletodiscoverit。Ifitisn\'tinnocentlyandridiculouslyfunny,Iamnojudge。Iwillseetoitthatyougetacopy。
WhatIhavesaidtoMrs。H。istrue。Ididsufferduringayearortwofromthedeephumiliationsofthatepisode。Butatlast,in1888,inVenice,mywifeandIcameacrossMr。andMrs。A。P。C。,ofConcord,Massachusetts,andafriendshipbeganthenofthesortwhichnothingbutdeathterminates。TheC。\'swereverybrightpeopleandineverywaycharmingandcompanionable。WeweretogetheramonthortwoinVeniceandseveralmonthsinRome,afterward,andonedaythatlamentedbreakofminewasmentioned。AndwhenIwasonthepointoflatheringthosepeopleforbringingittomymindwhenIhadgottenthememoryofitalmostsquelched,IperceivedwithjoythattheC。\'swereindignantaboutthewaythatmyperformancehadbeenreceivedinBoston。Theypouredouttheiropinionsmostfreelyandfranklyaboutthefrostyattitudeofthepeoplewhowerepresentatthatperformance,andabouttheBostonnewspapersforthepositiontheyhadtakeninregardtothematter。ThatpositionwasthatIhadbeenirreverentbeyondbelief,beyondimagination。Verywell;Ihadacceptedthatasafactforayearortwo,andhadbeenthoroughlymiserableaboutitwheneverIthoughtofit—whichwasnotfrequently,ifIcouldhelpit。WheneverIthoughtofitI
wonderedhowIevercouldhavebeeninspiredtodosounholyathing。Well,theC。\'scomfortedme,buttheydidnotpersuademetocontinuetothinkabouttheunhappyepisode。Iresistedthat。I
triedtogetitoutofmymind,andletitdie,andIsucceeded。UntilMrs。H。\'slettercame,ithadbeenagoodtwenty—fiveyearssinceI
hadthoughtofthatmatter;andwhenshesaidthatthethingwasfunnyIwonderedifpossiblyshemightberight。Atanyrate,mycuriositywasaroused,andIwrotetoBostonandgotthewholethingcopied,asabovesetforth。
Ivaguelyremembersomeofthedetailsofthatgathering—dimlyI
canseeahundredpeopleno,perhapsfifty—shadowyfiguressittingattablesfeeding,ghostsnowtome,andnamelessforevermore。Idon\'tknowwhotheywere,butIcanverydistinctlysee,seatedatthegrandtableandfacingtherestofus,Mr。Emerson,supernaturallygrave,unsmiling？Mr。Whittier,grave,lovely,hisbeautifulspiritshiningoutofhisface;Mr。Longfellow,withhissilkenwhitehairandhisbenignantface;Dr。OliverWendellHolmes,flashingsmilesandaffectionandallgood—fellowshipeverywherelikearose—diamondwhosefacetsarebeingturnedtowardthelightfirstonewayandthenanother—acharmingman,andalwaysfascinating,whetherhewastalkingorwhetherhewassittingstill（whathewouldcallstill,butwhatwouldbemoreorlessmotiontootherpeople）。Icanseethosefigureswithentiredistinctnessacrossthisabyssoftime。
Oneotherfeatureisclear—WillieWinter（forthesepastthousandyearsdramaticeditoroftheNewYorkTribune,andstilloccupyingthathighpostinhisoldage）wasthere。Hewasmuchyoungerthenthanheisnow,andheshowedit。ItwasalwaysapleasuretometoseeWillieWinteratabanquet。DuringamatteroftwentyyearsI
wasseldomatabanquetwhereWillieWinterwasnotalsopresent,andwherehedidnotreadacharmingpoemwrittenfortheoccasion。Hediditthistime,anditwasuptostandard:dainty,happy,choicelyphrased,andasgoodtolistentoasmusic,andsoundingexactlyasifitwaspouringunpreparedoutofheartandbrain。
NowatthatpointendsallthatwaspleasurableaboutthatnotablecelebrationofMr。Whittier\'sseventiethbirthday—becauseIgotupatthatpointandfollowedWinter,withwhatIhavenodoubtIsupposedwouldbethegemoftheevening—thegayorationabovequotedfromtheBostonpaper。Ihadwrittenitalloutthedaybeforeandhadperfectlymemorizedit,andIstoodupthereatmygenialandhappyandself—satisfiedease,andbegintodeliverit。Thosemajesticguests,thatrowofvenerableandstillactivevolcanoes,listened,asdideverybodyelseinthehouse,withattentiveinterest。Well,I
deliveredmyselfof—we\'llsaythefirsttwohundredwordsofmyspeech。Iwasexpectingnoreturnsfromthatpartofthespeech,butthiswasnotthecaseasregardedtherestofit。Iarrivednowatthedialogue:\"Theoldminersaid,\'Youarethefourth,I\'mgoingtomove。\'\'Thefourthwhat？\'saidI。Heanswered,\'Thefourthlitterymanthathasbeenhereintwenty—fourhours。Iamgoingtomove。\'\'Why,youdon\'ttellme,\'saidI。\'Whoweretheothers？\'\'Mr。Longfellow,Mr。Emerson,Mr。OliverWendellHolmes,consoundthelot—\'\"
Now,then,thehouse\'sattentioncontinued,buttheexpressionofinterestinthefacesturnedtoasortofblackfrost。Iwonderedwhatthetroublewas。Ididn\'tknow。Iwenton,butwithdifficulty—I
struggledalong,andentereduponthatminer\'sfearfuldescriptionofthebogusEmerson,thebogusHolmes,thebogusLongfellow,alwayshoping—butwithagraduallyperishinghope—thatsomebodywouldlaugh,orthatsomebodywouldatleastsmile,butnobodydid。Ididn\'tknowenoughtogiveitupandsitdown,Iwastoonewtopublicspeaking,andsoIwentonwiththisawfulperformance,andcarrieditclearthroughtotheend,infrontofabodyofpeoplewhoseemedturnedtostonewithhorror。ItwasthesortofexpressiontheirfaceswouldhavewornifIhadbeenmakingtheseremarksabouttheDeityandtherestoftheTrinity;thereisnomilderwayinwhichtodescribethepetrifiedconditionandtheghastlyexpressionofthosepeople。
WhenIsatdownitwaswithaheartwhichhadlongceasedtobeat。I
shallneverbeasdeadagainasIwasthen。IshallneverbeasmiserableagainasIwasthen。Ispeaknowasonewhodoesn\'tknowwhattheconditionofthingsmaybeinthenextworld,butinthisoneIshallneverbeaswretchedagainasIwasthen。Howells,whowasnearme,triedtosayacomfortingword,butcouldn\'tgetbeyondagasp。Therewasnouse—heunderstoodthewholesizeofthedisaster。Hehadgoodintentions,butthewordsfrozebeforetheycouldgetout。Itwasanatmospherethatwouldfreezeanything。IfBenvenutoCellini\'ssalamanderhadbeeninthatplacehewouldnothavesurvivedtobeputintoCellini\'sautobiography。Therewasafrightfulpause。Therewasanawfulsilence,adesolatingsilence。
Thenthenextmanonthelisthadtogetup—therewasnohelpforit。
ThatwasBishop—Bishophadjustbursthandsomelyupontheworldwithamostacceptablenovel,whichhadappearedinTheAtlanticMonthly,aplacewhichwouldmakeanynovelrespectableandanyauthornoteworthy。Inthiscasethenovelitselfwasrecognizedasbeing,withoutextraneoushelp,respectable。Bishopwasawayupinthepublicfavor,andhewasanobjectofhighinterest,consequentlytherewasasortofnationalexpectancyintheair;wemaysayourAmericanmillionswerestanding,fromMainetoTexasandfromAlaskatoFlorida,holdingtheirbreath,theirlipsparted,theirhandsreadytoapplaud,whenBishopshouldgetuponthatoccasion,andforthefirsttimeinhislifespeakinpublic。Itwasunderthesedamagingconditionsthathegotupto\"makegood,\"asthevulgarsay。Ihadspokenseveraltimesbefore,andthatisthereasonwhyIwasabletogoonwithoutdyinginmytracks,asIoughttohavedone—butBishophadhadnoexperience。Hewasupfacingthoseawfuldeities—
facingthoseotherpeople,thosestrangers—facinghumanbeingsforthefirsttimeinhislife,withaspeechtoutter。Nodoubtitwaswellpackedawayinhismemory,nodoubtitwasfreshandusable,untilIhadbeenheardfrom。Isupposethatafterthat,andunderthesmotheringpallofthatdrearysilence,itbegantowasteawayanddisappearoutofhisheadliketheragsbreakingfromtheedgeofafog,andpresentlytherewasn\'tanyfogleft。Hedidn\'tgoon—hedidn\'tlastlong。Itwasnotmanysentencesafterhisfirstbeforehebegantohesitate,andbreak,andlosehisgrip,andtotter,andwobble,andatlastheslumpeddowninalimpandmushypile。
Well,theprogrammefortheoccasionwasprobablynotmorethanone—thirdfinished,butitendedthere。Nobodyrose。Thenextmanhadn\'tstrengthenoughtogetup,andeverybodylookedsodazed,sostupefied,paralyzed,itwasimpossibleforanybodytodoanything,oreventry。Nothingcouldgooninthatstrangeatmosphere。Howellsmournfully,andwithoutwords,hitchedhimselftoBishopandmeandsupportedusoutoftheroom。Itwasverykind—hewasmostgenerous。Hetowedustotteringawayintosomeroominthatbuilding,andwesatdownthere。Idon\'tknowwhatmyremarkwasnow,butIknowthenatureofit。Itwasthekindofremarkyoumakewhenyouknowthatnothingintheworldcanhelpyourcase。ButHowellswashonest—hehadtosaytheheart—breakingthingshedidsay:thattherewasnohelpforthiscalamity,thisshipwreck,thiscataclysm;thatthiswasthemostdisastrousthingthathadeverhappenedinanybody\'shistory—andthenheadded,\"Thatis,foryou—
andconsiderwhatyouhavedoneforBishop。Itisbadenoughinyourcase,youdeservetosuffer。Youhavecommittedthiscrime,andyoudeservetohaveallyouaregoingtoget。Buthereisaninnocentman。
Bishophadneverdoneyouanyharm,andseewhatyouhavedonetohim。
Hecanneverholdhisheadupagain。TheworldcanneverlookuponBishopasbeingaliveperson。Heisacorpse。\"
Thatisthehistoryofthatepisodeoftwenty—eightyearsago,whichprettynearlykilledmewithshameduringthatfirstyearortwowheneveritforceditswayintomymind。
Nowthen,Itakethatspeechupandexamineit。AsIsaid,itarrivedthismorning,fromBoston。Ihavereadittwice,andunlessIamanidiot,ithasn\'tasingledefectinitfromthefirstwordtothelast。Itisjustasgoodasgoodcanbe。Itissmart;itissaturatedwithhumor。Thereisn\'tasuggestionofcoarsenessorvulgarityinitanywhere。Whatcouldhavebeenthematterwiththathouse？Itisamazing,itisincredible,thattheydidn\'tshoutwithlaughter,andthosedeitiestheloudestofthemall。Couldthefaulthavebeenwithme？DidIlosecouragewhenIsawthosegreatmenuptherewhomIwasgoingtodescribeinsuchastrangefashion？Ifthathappened,ifIshoweddoubt,thatcanaccountforit,foryoucan\'tbesuccessfullyfunnyifyoushowthatyouareafraidofit。
Well,Ican\'taccountforit,butifIhadthosebelovedandreveredoldliteraryimmortalsbackherenowontheplatformatCarnegieHallIwouldtakethatsameoldspeech,deliverit,wordforword,andmeltthemtillthey\'drunalloverthatstage。Oh,thefaultmusthavebeenwithme,itisnotinthespeechatall。
PLYMOUTHROCKANDTHEPILGRIMS。
ADDRESSATTHEFIRSTANNUALDINNER,N。E。SOCIETY,PHILADELPHIA,DECEMBER22,1881。
OncallinguponMr。Clemenstomakeresponse,PresidentRollinssaid:
\"ThissentimenthasbeenassignedtoonewhowasneverexactlyborninNewEngland,nor,perhaps,wereanyofhisancestors。Heisnottechnically,therefore,ofNewEnglanddescent。Underthepainfulcircumstancesinwhichhehasfoundhimself,however,hehasdonethebesthecould—hehashadallhischildrenbornthere,andhasmadeofhimselfaNewEnglandancestor。Heisaself—mademan。
Morethanthis,andbettereven,incheerful,hopeful,helpfulliteratureheisofNewEnglandascent。Toascendthereinanythingthat\'sreasonableisdifficult,for—confidentially,withthedoorshut—weallknowthattheyarethebrightest,ablestsonsofthatgoodlylandwhoneverleaveit,anditisamongandabovethemthatMr。Twainhasmadehisbrilliantandpermanentascent—becomeamanofmark。\"
IRISEtoprotest。Ihavekeptstillforyears,butreallyIthinkthereisnosufficientjustificationforthissortofthing。Whatdoyouwanttocelebratethosepeoplefor？—thoseancestorsofyoursof1620—theMayflowertribe,Imean。Whatdoyouwanttocelebratethemfor？Yourpardon:thegentlemanatmyleftassuresmethatyouarenotcelebratingthePilgrimsthemselves,butthelandingofthePilgrimsatPlymouthRockonthe22dofDecember。Soyouarecelebratingtheirlanding。Why,theotherpretextwasthinenough,butthisisthinnerthanever;theotherwastissue,tinfoil,fish—bladder,butthisisgold—leaf。Celebratingtheirlanding！Whatwasthereremarkableaboutit,Iwouldliketoknow？Whatcanyoubethinkingof？Why,thosePilgrimshadbeenatseathreeorfourmonths。
Itwastheverymiddleofwinter:itwasascoldasdeathoffCapeCodthere。Whyshouldn\'ttheycomeashore？Iftheyhadn\'tlandedtherewouldbesomereasonforcelebratingthefact。Itwouldhavebeenacaseofmonumentalleatherheadednesswhichtheworldwouldnotwillinglyletdie。Ifithadbeenyou,gentlemen,youprobablywouldn\'thavelanded,butyouhavenoshadowofrighttobecelebrating,inyourancestors,giftswhichtheydidnotexercise,butonlytransmitted。Why,tobecelebratingthemerelandingofthePilgrims—tobetryingtomakeoutthatthismostnaturalandsimpleandcustomaryprocedurewasanextraordinarycircumstance—acircumstancetobeamazedat,andadmired,aggrandizedandglorified,atorgieslikethisfortwohundredandsixtyyears—hangit,ahorsewouldhaveknownenoughtoland;ahorse—Pardonagain;
thegentlemanonmyrightassuresmethatitwasnotmerelythelandingofthePilgrimsthatwearecelebrating,butthePilgrimsthemselves。Sowehavestruckaninconsistencyhere—onesaysitwasthelanding,theothersaysitwasthePilgrims。Itisaninconsistencycharacteristicofyourintractableanddisputatioustribe,foryouneveragreeaboutanythingbutBoston。Well,then,whatdoyouwanttocelebratethosePilgrimsfor？Theywereamightyhardlot—youknowit。Igrantyou,withouttheslightestunwillingness,thattheywereadealmoregentleandmercifulandjustthanwerethepeopleofEuropeofthatday;Igrantyouthattheyarebetterthantheirpredecessors。Butwhatofthat？—thatisnothing。Peoplealwaysprogress。Youarebetterthanyourfathersandgrandfatherswere（thisisthefirsttimeIhaveeveraimedameasurelessslanderatthedeparted,forIconsidersuchthingsimproper）。Yes,thoseamongyouwhohavenotbeeninthepenitentiary,ifsuchtherebe,arebetterthanyourfathersandgrandfatherswere;butisthatanysufficientreasonforgettingupannualdinnersandcelebratingyou？
No,bynomeans—bynomeans。Well,Irepeat,thosePilgrimswereahardlot。Theytookgoodcareofthemselves,buttheyabolishedeverybodyelse\'sancestors。Iamaborder—ruffianfromtheStateofMissouri。IamaConnecticutYankeebyadoption。Inme,youhaveMissourimorals,Connecticutculture;this,gentlemen,isthecombinationwhichmakestheperfectman。Butwherearemyancestors？
WhomshallIcelebrate？WhereshallIfindtherawmaterial？
MyfirstAmericanancestor,gentlemen,wasanIndian—anearlyIndian。Yourancestorsskinnedhimalive,andIamanorphan。NotonedropofmybloodflowsinthatIndian\'sveinstoday。Istandhere,loneandforlorn,withoutanancestor。Theyskinnedhim！Idonotobjecttothat,iftheyneededhisfur;butalive,gentlemen—alive！
Theyskinnedhimalive—andbeforecompany！Thatiswhatrankles。
Thinkhowhemusthavefelt;forhewasasensitivepersonandeasilyembarrassed。Ifhehadbeenabird,itwouldhavebeenallright,andnoviolencedonetohisfeelings,becausehewouldhavebeenconsidered\"dressed。\"Buthewasnotabird,gentlemen,hewasaman,andprobablyoneofthemostundressedmenthateverwas。Iaskyoutoputyourselvesinhisplace。Iaskitasafavor;Iaskitasatardyactofjustice;Iaskitintheinterestoffidelitytothetraditionsofyourancestors;Iaskitthattheworldmaycontemplate,withvisionunobstructedbydisguisingswallow—tailsandwhitecravats,thespectaclewhichthetrueNewEnglandSocietyoughttopresent。Ceasetocometotheseannualorgiesinthishollowmodernmockery—thesurplusageofraiment。Comeincharacter;comeinthesummergrace,comeintheunadornedsimplicity,comeinthefreeandjoyouscostumewhichyoursaintedancestorsprovidedformine。
LaterancestorsofmineweretheQuakersWilliamRobinson,MarmadukeStevenson,etal。Yourtribechasedthemoutofthecountryfortheirreligion\'ssake;promisedthemdeathiftheycameback;foryourancestorshadforsakenthehomestheyloved,andbravedtheperilsofthesea,theimplacableclimate,andthesavagewilderness,toacquirethathighestandmostpreciousofboons,freedomforeverymanonthisbroadcontinenttoworshipaccordingtothedictatesofhisownconscience—andtheywerenotgoingtoallowalotofpestiferousQuakerstointerferewithit。Yourancestorsbrokeforeverthechainsofpoliticalslavery,andgavethevotetoeverymaninthiswideland,excludingnone！—noneexceptthosewhodidnotbelongtotheorthodoxchurch。Yourancestors—yes,theywereahardlot;but,nevertheless,theygaveusreligiouslibertytoworshipastheyrequiredustoworship,andpoliticallibertytovoteasthechurchrequired;andsoIthebereftone,Itheforlornone,amheretodomybesttohelpyoucelebratethemright。
TheQuakerwomanElizabethHootonwasanancestressofmine。Yourpeoplewereprettyseverewithher—youwillconfessthat。But,poorthing！Ibelievetheychangedheropinionsbeforeshedied,andtookherintotheirfold;andsowehaveeveryreasontopresumethatwhenshediedshewenttothesameplacewhichyourancestorswentto。
Itisagreatpity,forshewasagoodwoman。RogerWilliamswasanancestorofmine。Idon\'treallyrememberwhatyourpeopledidwithhim。ButtheybanishedhimtoRhodeIsland,anyway。Andthen,I
believe,recognizingthatthiswasreallycarryingharshnesstoanunjustifiableextreme,theytookpityonhimandburnedhim。Theywereahardlot！AllthoseSalemwitcheswereancestorsofmine！Yourpeoplemadeittropicalforthem。Yes,theydid;bypressureandthegallowstheymadesuchacleandealwiththemthattherehasn\'tbeenawitchandhardlyahalterinourfamilyfromthatdaytothis,andthatisonehundredandeighty—nineyears。ThefirstslavebroughtintoNewEnglandoutofAfricabyyourprogenitorswasanancestorofmine—forIamofamixedbreed,aninfinitelyshadedandexquisiteMongrel。I\'mnotoneofyourshammeerschaumsthatyoucancolorinaweek。No,mycomplexionisthepatientartofeightgenerations。
Well,inmyowntime,Ihadacquiredalotofmykin—bypurchase,andswappingaround,andonewayandanother—andwasgettingalongverywell。Then,withtheinbornperversityofyourlineage,yougotupawar,andtookthemallawayfromme。Andso,againamIbereft,againamIforlorn;nodropofmybloodflowsintheveinsofanylivingbeingwhoismarketable。
Omyfriends,hearmeandreform！Iseekyourgood,notmine。Youhaveheardthespeeches。DisbandtheseNewEnglandsocieties—
nurseriesofasystemofsteadilyaugmentinglaudationandhosannaing,which,ifpersistedinuncurbed,maysomedayintheremotefuturebeguileyouintoprevaricatingandbragging。Oh,stop,stop,whileyouarestilltemperateinyourappreciationofyourancestors！Hearme,I
beseechyou;getupanauctionandsellPlymouthRock！ThePilgrimswereasimpleandignorantrace。Theyneverhadseenanygoodrocksbefore,oratleastanythatwerenotwatched,andsotheywereexcusableforhoppingashoreinfranticdelightandclappinganironfencearoundthisone。Butyou,gentlemen,areeducated;youareenlightened;youknowthatintherichlandofyournativity,opulentNewEngland,overflowingwithrocks,thisoneisn\'tworth,attheoutside,morethanthirty—fivecents。Therefore,sellit,beforeitisinjuredbyexposure,oratleastthrowitopentothepatent—medicineadvertisements,andletitearnitstaxes。
Yes,hearyourtruefriend—youronlytruefriend—listtohisvoice。Disbandthesesocieties,hotbedsofvice,ofmoraldecay—
perpetuatorsofancestralsuperstition。HereonthisboardIseewater,Iseemilk,Iseethewildanddeadlylemonade。Thesearebutstepsuponthedownwardpath。Nextweshallseetea,thenchocolate,thencoffee—hotelcoffee。Afewmoreyears—alltoofew,Ifear—markmywords,weshallhavecider！Gentlemen,pauseereitbetoolate。
Youareonthebroadroadwhichleadstodissipation,physicalruin,moraldecay,gorycrimeandthegallows！Ibeseechyou,Iimploreyou,inthenameofyouranxiousfriends,inthenameofyoursufferingfamilies,inthenameofyourimpendingwidowsandorphans,stopereitbetoolate。DisbandtheseNewEnglandsocieties,renouncethesesoul—blisteringsaturnalia,ceasefromvarnishingtherustyreputationsofyourlong—vanishedancestors—thesuper—high—moraloldiron—cladsofCapeCod,thepiousbuccaneersofPlymouthRock—