Atthatmoment，ofalltheplacesintheworldthatIcouldthinkof——andIcouldthinkofagreatmanybecausetheeventsofmypastlifewererapidlyflashingpastme——asiscustomary，Iamtold，inothercasesofgraveperil，suchasdrowning——IsayofalltheplacesintheworldtherewerejusttwowhereIleastdesiredtobe——onewasupontopofthathorseandtheotherwasdownunderhim。Butitseemedtobeachoiceofthetwoevils，andsoIchosethelesserandgotunderhim。Ididthisbyasimpleexpedientthatoccurredtomeatthemoment。Ifelloff。Iwastrampedonconsiderably，andtheearthprovedtobeharderthanitlookedwhenviewedfromanapproximateheightofsixteenmilesup，butI
livedandbreathed——oratleastIbreathedafteratimehadelapsed——andIwassatisfied。Andso，havinggonethroughthisexperiencemyself，IaminpositiontoappreciatewhatanyothermanofmygeneralbuildisgoingthroughasIseehimbobbingby——
thepoormartyr，sacrificinghimselfasaburntoffering，oranywayablisteredone——onthehighaltarofaGothicruinofahorse。
And，besides，Iknowthatridingahorsedoesn\'treduceafatman。
Itmerelyreducesthehorse。
Soitgoes——thefatmanisalwaysupagainstit。Hisfigureishalf—mastedinregretfulmemoryoftheproportionshehadonce，andheismadetomourn。Mostsportsandmanygainfulpursuitsareclosedagainsthim。Hecannotplaylawntennis，or，atleastaccordingtomyobservation，hecannotplaylawntennisoftenerthanonceintwoweeks。Inbetweengameshelimpsround，stiffasahattreeandsoreasamashedthumb。Timewaswhenhemightmingleinthemysticmazesofthewaltz，trippingthelightfantastictoeorstubbingit，asthecasemaybe。Butthatwasinthedaysoftheold—fashionedsquaredance，whichwasthefatman\'sfriendamongdances，andalsooftheold—fashionedtwo—step，andnotinthesetimeswhendancingisacrossbetweenawrestlingmatch，acontortionactandatriponaroller—coaster，andiseithernamedforananimal，liketheBunnyHugandtheTarantulaGlide，orforatown，liketheMobileMop—Up，andtheFarRockawayRockandtheSouthBendBend。Hisfriendswouldinterfere——ortheauthoritieswould。Hecangoinswimming，itistrue;butifheturnsoverandfloats，peopleyelloutthatsomebodyhassettheliferaftadrift;andifhebasksatthewater\'sedge，boatswillcomeinandtrytodockalongsidehim;andifhetakesasunbathonthebeachandsunburns，there\'ssoeverlastingmuchofhimtobesunburnedthathepracticallyamountstoaconflagration。Hecan\'tshootrapids，crapsorbiggamewithanydegreeofcomfort;
norplaybilliards。Hecan\'tgetcloseenoughtothetabletomaketheshots，andheputsalltheEnglishonhimselfandnoneofitonthecueball。
Considerthegainfulpursuits。Thinkhowmanyofthemaredeniedtothemanwhomayhaveenergyandabilitybutisshutoutbecausethereareafewextraterracesonhisfrontlawn。Afatmancannotbealeadingmaninaplay。Nobodydesiresafatheroforanovel。
Afatmancannotgoinforaeroplaning。Hecannotbeawire—walkerorasuccessfulwalkerofanyoftheotherrecognizedbrands——
track，cake，sleeporfloor。Hedoesn\'tmakeapopularwaiter。
Nobodywantsafatwaiteronahotday。True，youmaymakehimbringyourorderundercovereddishes，butevenso，thereisstillthatsuggestionofrainonatinroofthatisdistastefultosomany。
SoIrepeatthatfatpeoplearealwaysgettingtheworstofit，andIsayagain，ofalltheillsthatfleshisheirto，theworstisthefleshitself。Asthepoetsays——\"Theworld，thefleshandthedevil\"——andthereyouhaveitinasentence——thefleshinbetween，catchingthedevilononesideandthejeersoftheworldontheother。Idon\'tcarewhatDr。WoodsHutchinsonoranyotherthinmansays！Icontendthathistoryisstuddedwithinstancesofprominentpersonswholostoutbecausetheygotfat。
TakeCleopatranow，theladytowhomMarcAntonysaid:\"Iamdying，Egypt，dying，\"andthenrefrainedfromdoingsoforaboutnineteenmorestanzas。CleoorPat——shewasknownbybothnames，Ihear——
didfairlywellasaqueen，asacoquetteandasapromoterofexcursionsontheriver——untilshefleshenedup。Thensheflivvered。DoctorJohnsonwasafatmanandhesufferedfrompricklyheat，andfromBoswell，andfromthefactthathecouldn\'teatwithoutspillingmostofthegravyonhissecondmezzaninelanding。AsathinandspindlystriplingNapoleonalteredthemapofEuropeandstoodmanynationsontheirheads。ItwasafterhehadgrownfatandpursythathelandedonSt。Helenaandspenthislastdaysonabarrenrock，withhisarmsfolded，posingforsteelengravings。Nerowasfat，andhehadalotofhardluckinkeepinghisrelatives——theywerealmostconstantlydyingonhimandhefinallyhadtostabhimselfwithoneofthosepainful—lookingoldRomantwo—handedswords，lestsomethingreallyseriousbefallhim。
Falstaffwasfat，andhelostthefavorofkingsinthelastact。
ComingdowntoourowndayandturningtoapointnofartherawaythantheWhiteHouseatWashington——buthavewenotenoughexampleswithoutbecomingpersonal？Yes，IknowJuliusCaesarsaid:\"Letmehavemenaboutmethatarefat。\"Butyoubetitwasn\'tintheheatedperiodwhenJ。Caesarsaidthat！
TeethOneofthemostpleasantfeaturesaboutbeingborn，asIconceiveit，isthatwearebornwithoutteeth。Ibelievetherehavebeenafewexceptionstothisrule——RichardtheThird，accordingtotheaccounts，cameintotheworldequippedwithallhisteethandaperfectlymiserabledisposition;andonceinawhile，especiallyduringRooseveltyears，whentheColonel\'spictureishangingonthewallsofsomanyAmericanhomes，wereadinthepaperthatababyhasjustbeenbornsomewherewithafullset，andeven，asinthecaseoftheinfantsonofaformermemberoftheRoughRiders，withnoseglassesandaclose—croppedmustache。This，however，mayhavebeenapardonableexaggerationoftherealfacts。AsIrecallnow，itwasreportedinadispatchtotheNewYorkTribunefromLover\'sLeap，Iowa，duringthepresidentialcampaigneightyearsago。
Inthemain，though，wearebornwithoutteeth。Wearebornwithoutanumberofthings——clothesforexample——althoughAnthonyComstockissaidtobepushingalawrequiringallchildrentobebornwithoverallson;butteethisthesubjectwhichwearenowdiscussing。Thisabsenceofteethtendstogivetheveryyoungofourspeciestheappearanceinthefaceofanoldfashionedbuckskinpursewiththedrawstringbroken，butbethatasitmay，wearegenerallyfairlywellcontentwithlifeuntiltheteethbegintocome。
Firsttherearethemilkteeth。Rightthereourtroublesstart。
Tousethetermcommonlyinuse，wecutthem，althoughasamatteroffact，theycutus——cutthemwiththeaidofsomesuchmussythingasatoothingringorthehornypartofthenurse\'sthumb，orthereversesideofaspoon——cutthematthecostofinfinitesuffering，notonlyforourselvesbutforeverybodyelseinthevicinity。Andaboutthetimewegetthelastoneinwebegintolosethefirstoneout。Theygooneatatime，byfallingout，orbybeingyankedout，orbycomingoutoftheirownaccordwhenweeatmolassestaffy。TheyweremerelywhatyoumightcallourEnteredApprenticeteeth。Wegoinnowforthefullthirty—twodegrees——onedegreeforeachtoothandthirty—twoteethtoaset。
Byarduousandpainfulprocesses，stretchingoveraperiodofyears，wegetourregularteeth——theotherswereonlyvolunteers——
concludingwiththewisdomteeth，assocalled，butitisamisnomer，becausethereneverisroomforthemandtheyhavetostandupinthebackrowandtheyusuallyarrivewithholesinthem，andifwereallypossessedanywisdomwewouldfigureoutsomewayofabolishingthemaltogether。Theycomelateandcrowdtheirwayinandpushtheotherteethoutoflineandsowegoaboutformonthswiththetopofourmouthsfilledwithbracesandwiresandthings，sothatwhenwebreathehardwesobandcrooninsideofourselveslikeanAeoleanharp。
Butinanyeventwegetthemallandnosoonerdowegetthemthanwebegintolosethem。Theydevelopcavitiesandachesandextrarootsandwespendagoodpartofourlivesandmostofoursubstancewiththedentist。Nevertheless，inspiteofallwecandoandallhecando，wekeeponlosingthem。Andafterawhile，theyareallgoneandourfacefoldsuponuslikeacrushhatoraconcertinaandfromourbrowtoourchinwedon\'tlookmuchmorethanathirdaslongasweusedtolook。Wedislikethisfolded—upappearancenaturally——whowouldn\'t？Andwegettiredoflivingonspoonvictualsandthememoryofpastbeef—steaks。Sowegoandgetsomefalseonesmade。Theyhavetobemadetoorder;
thereappearstobenomarketforcustommadeteeth;youneverseeanyhand—me—downteethadvertised，guaranteedtofitanyfaceandwithstandadampclimate。GettingthemmadetoorderisalongandunhappyprocessandIwillpassoveritbriefly。Havinggotthem，wefindthattheydonotfitusorthatwedonotfitthem，whichcomestothesamething。Thedentistmakesthemfitbyalteringussomeandtheteethsome，andaftersomemonthstheyquitfeelingasthoughtheydidn\'tbelongtousbuthadbeenborrowedtemporarilyfromsomebody\'sloancollectionofceramics。
Butjustaboutthetimetheyarebecomingacclimatedandwearegettingusedtothem，theinteriorofourmouthforprivatereasonsbestknowntoitselfchangesaroundmateriallyandweeitherhavetogobackandstartalloverandgothroughthewholethingagain，orelsehaplywedieandpassontothebournefromwhichnotravellerreturnetheitherwithhisteethorwithoutthem。IfShakespearehadonlythoughtofit——andhedidthinkofanumberofthingsfromtimetotime——hemighthavedividedhisSevenAgesofManmuchbetterbymakingthemtheSevenAgesofTeethasfollows:Firstage——notooth;secondage——milkteeth;thirdage——
losing\'em;fourthage——gettingmoreteeth;fifthage——losing\'em;
sixthage——gettingfalseteethandfindingtheyaren\'tsatisfactory;
seventhage——toothlessagain。
Iknewamanoncewhowasagunsmithandlostallhisteethatacomparativelyearlyage。Hewentalongthatwayforyears。Hehadtoeschewthetenderloinforthereasonthathecouldn\'tchewit，andhehadtocutouthickorynutcakeandcornontheearandsuchthings。Butthereisnothingabouttheartofgunsmithingwhichseemstocallforteeth，sohegotalongverywell，livinginalittlehousewiththewifeofhisbosomandafaithfulhousedognamedPonto。Butwhenhewaspastsixtyhewentandgothimselfsometeethfromthedentist。Hedidthiswithoutsayinganythingaboutitathome;hewastreasuringitupforasurprise。ThecornerstonewaslaidinMayandthescaffoldingwasallupbyJulyandinAugustthenewteethwerededicatedwithsuitableceremonies。
Theyalteredhisappearancematerially。Hisnoseandchinwhichhadbeenontermsofintimacynowrubbedeachotheralastfondgood—byeandhisfacelostthataccordian—pleatedlookandstraightenedoutandbecameaboutsixorsevenincheslongerfromtoptobottom。Henowhadasortofdeterminedaspectliketheironjawedladyinacircus，whereasbeforehisfacehadtheappearanceofbeingfoldedoverandwaddeddowninsideofhisneckband，sohishatcouldrestcomfortablyonhiscollar。Heknewhewasaltered，buthedidn\'trealizehowmuchhewasaltereduntilhewenthomethateveningandwalkedproudlyinthefrontgate。
Hiswifewhowastimidaboutstrangers，slammedthedoorrightinhisfaceandfaithfulPontocameoutfromundertheporchstepsandbithimseverelyinthecalfoftheleg。Therewasonlyoneconsolationinitforhim——forthefirsttimeinalongnumberofyearshewasinpositiontobiteback。
Andthat\'showitiswithteeth——withyourteethletussay——forrighthereI\'mgoingtodropthepersonalpronounandspeakofthemasyourteethfromnowon。Ifanybodyhastosufferitmightaswellbeyouandnotme;Iexpecttobebusytellingaboutit。
AsIstartedtosayawhileago，you——rememberit\'syoufromthispoint——yougetyourregularteethandtheystartrightingivingyoutrouble。Everylittlewhileoneofthemburstsfromitscellwithahorribleyellandinthelullsbetweenpangsyougoforthamongmenwiththehauntedlookinyoureyeofonewhoislisteningforthefootfallsofadreadapparition，andonehalfofyourheadispuffedoutofplumbasthoughyouwereengagedinthewhimsicalideaofholdinganeggplantinthesideofyourjaw。Akindfriendmeetsyou，and，speakingwiththathighcourageandthatloftyspiritofsacrificewhichakindfriendalwaysexhibitswhenit\'syourtooththatiskickinguptherumpusandnothis，hetellsyouyououghttohavesomethingdoneforitrightaway。Youknowthataswellashedoes，butyouhatetohavethesubjectbroughtup。It\'syourtoothacheanyhow。Itoriginatedwithyou。
Youareitsproudparentbutnotsoawfullyproudatthat。Motherandchilddoingaswellascouldbeexpected，butnotexpectedtodoverywell。
ButthesefriendsofyourskeeponshovingtheirfreeadviceonyouandthetoothkeepsongettingworseandworseuntilthepainspreadsallthroughtheFirstWardandfinallyyougrabyourresolutioninbothhandstokeepitfromleakingoutbetweenyourfingersandyougotothedentist\'s。
Thishappenssomanytimesthatafterawhileyoulosecountandsowouldthedentist，ifhedidn\'twriteyournamedowneverytimeinhislittleredbookwithpleasinglylargeamountsenteredoppositetoit。Itseemstoyouthatyouarealwaysdoingsomethingforyourteeth？Youhavethempulledandpushedandshovedandfilledandunfilledandrefilledandexcavatedandblastedandsculpturedandscroll—sawedandalotofotherthingsthatyouwouldn\'tthinkcouldbedonelegallywithoutabuildingpermit。Astimepasseson，theinsideofyouroncewell—tilledandcommodiousheadbecomesbutlittlemorethanarecentsite。
YourvaultshavebeenblownandmostofyourcontentsabstractedbyAmalgamMikeandDentalSlim，theDemonYeggmenoftheHumanFace。Youaremerelythescatteredclewsleftbehindfortheauthoritiestoworkon;youarethefainttracesofthefiendishcrime。YouarethepointmarkedX。
Butallalongthereisgenerallyonetooththathasbehavedherselflikealady。OtherteethmayhavebetrayedyourconfidencebutOldFaithfulhashungon，attendingtobusiness，askingonlyforstandingroomandkindtreatment。Theothersyoumayviewwithalarm，buttothistoothyoucanpointwithpride。Buthaveacare——sheisdeceivingyou。
Somenightyougotobedandhaveadream。Inyourdreamitseemstoyouthatafoxterrierischasingawoodchuckaroundandaroundtheinsideofyourhead。Inthattangledsortoffashionpeculiartodreamsyoursympathyseemstogooutfirsttothefoxterrierandthentothewoodchuckastheycircleaboutnimbly，leapingfromyourtonsilstoyourlarynxandthenupovertheraftersintheroofofyourmouthanddownagainandpatteringoverthesub—maxillaryfromsidetoside。Butaboutthenyouwakeupwithaviolentstartanddecidethatanysympathyyoumayhaveinstockshouldbereservedforpersonaluseexclusively，becauseatthismomentthedogtreesthewoodchuckatthebaseofthatcherishedtoothofyoursandstartstodighimout。Heisaverydetermineddogandveryactive，butheneedsamanicure。Youarestruckbythatfactalmostimmediately。
Utteringsomeofthosetriteandcommonplaceremarksthatarecustomaryforuseundersuchcircumstancesandyetaresofutiletoexpressone\'srealsentiments，youariseandundertaketopacifytheinfuriatedcreaturewithhouseholdremedies。Youtrytolurehimawaywithawadofmedicatedcottonstuckontheendofaparlormatch。Butarnicaisevidentlyanacquiredtastewithhim。Hedoesn\'tseemtocareforitanymorethanyoudo。
Youbegintodress，usingonehandtoputyourclothesonwithandtheothertoholdthetopofyourheadon。Atthisimportantjuncture，thedogtearsdownthelastremainingpartitionsandnailsthewoodchuck。Thewoodchuckisgame——saywhatyouwillaboutthehabitsandcustomsofthewoodchuckyouhavetohandittohimthere——he\'sgameasalion。Hefightsbackdesperately。
Intenseexcitementreignsthroughoutthevicinity。Whilethestrugglewagesyougetyourclothesonandwaitfordaylighttocome，whichitdoesinfromeighttotenweeks。Norwayisnottheonlyplacewherethenightsaresixmonthslong。
Thereisnobodywaitingatthedentist\'swhenyougetthere，itbeingearly。Youarewillingtowait。Atabarbershopitmaybedifferentbutatadentist\'syouarealwayswillingtowait，likeagentleman。ButthesinewyyoungmanwhoissittinginthefrontparlorreadingtheHammerThrower\'sGazette，welcomesyouwithafalseairofgaietyentirelyoutofkeepingwiththecircumstancesandinvitesyoutosteprightin。Hetellsyouthatyouarenext。Thisiswrong——ifyouwerenextyouwouldturnandfleelikeadeer。Notbeingnext，youenter。Rightfromthestartyouseemtotakeadisliketothisyoungman。Youcatchhimspittinginhishandsandhitchinghissleevesupasyouarehangingupyourhat。Besidesheistoorobustforadentist。Withthoseshouldersheoughttobeaboilermakerorasafemoverorsomethingofthatsort。Youresolveinwardlythatnexttimeyougotoadentistyouaregoingtooneofamorelady—likebearingandgentlerdemeanor。Itseemsabrutalthingthatabigstrongmanshouldwastehisyearsinadentalestablishmentwhentheworldisclamoringforstrongmentodotheheavyliftingjobs。Butbeforeyoucansayanything，thismuscularathletehaslaidviolenthandsonyourpalpitatingformandwaddeditabruptlyintothehideousembracesofaredplushchair，whichlookssomethingliketheonetheyuseupatSingSing，onlyit\'sdonemorequicklyupthereandwithlesssufferingonthepartofthecondemned。Ononesideofyouyoubeholdquiteadisplayofopenplumbingandontheothersideatastyexhibitofsmallsteeltoolsofassortedsizes。Nomatterwhichwayyourgazemaystrayyou\'llbeseeingsomethingattractive。
Youalsotakenoticeofanelectricmotoraboutlargeenough，youwouldsay，torunatrolleycar，whichispurringnearbyinasinisterandforbiddingway。Theyareconstantlymakingtheselittleimprovementsinthedentalprofession。Ihaveheardthatfiftyyearsagoadentisttraveledaboutoverthecountryfromplacetoplace，sometimespullingatoothandsometimesbreakingacolt。Hepracticedhisartwithanoutfitconsistingoftwopairsofironforceps——onepairbeingsaber—toothedwhiletheotherpairwasmerelysaw—fretted——andhegaveamanthesamekindoftreatmenthegaveahorse，onlyhetiedthehorse\'slegsfirst。