\"Youdoloveme,don\'tyou?\"shewhispered,clingingtomewithasudden,strainingpassion.\"Youwillloveme,alwaysnomatterwhathappens?\"
\"Why,ofcourse,Nancy,\"Ianswered.
\"Iwanttohearyousayit,\'Iloveyou,Ishallloveyoualways.\'\"
Irepeateditfervently
\"Nomatterwhathappens?\"
\"Nomatterwhathappens.AsifIcouldhelpit,Nancy!Whyareyousosadto-night?\"
\"Ah,Hugh,itmakesmesad——Ican\'ttellwhy.Itissogreat,itissoterrible,andyetit\'ssosweetandbeautiful.\"
Shetookmyfaceinherhandsandpressedakissagainstmyforehead
Thenextdaywasdark.Attwoo\'clockintheafternoontheelectriclightwasstillburningovermydeskwhenthetelephonerangandIheardNancy\'svoice.
\"Isthatyou,Hugh?\"
\"Yes.\"
\"IhavetogoEastthisafternoon.\"
\"Why?\"Iasked.Heragitationhadcommunicateditselftome.\"Ithoughtyouweren\'tgoinguntilThursday.What\'sthematter?\"
\"I\'vejusthadatelegram,\"shesaid.\"Ham\'sbeenhurt——Idon\'tknowhowbadly——hewasthrownfromapoloponythismorningatNarragansett,inpractice,andthey\'retakinghimtoBostontoaprivatehospital.Thetelegram\'sfromJohnnyShephard.I\'llbeatthehouseintownatfour.\"
FilledwithforebodingsItriedinvaintosuppressIdroppedtheworkI
wasdoingandgotupandpacedtheroom,pausingnowandagaintogazeoutofthewindowatthewetroofsandthegreyskies.IwasaghastattheideaofhergoingtoHamnoweventhoughhewerehurtbadlyhurt;andyetItriedtothinkitwasnatural,thatitwasfineofhertorespondtosuchacall.Andshecouldn\'tverywellrefusehissummons.Butitwasnotthenewsofherhusband\'saccidentthatinspiredthegreaterfear,whichwasquelledandsoothedonlytoriseagainwhenIrecalledthenoteIhadheardinhervoice,anoteeloquentoftragedy——oftragedyshehadforeseen.Atlength,unabletoremainwhereIwasanylonger,I
descendedtothestreetandwalkeduptownintherain.TheDurretthousewasclosed,theblindsofitsmanywindowsdrawn,butNancywaswatchingformeandopenedthedoor.SousedhadIgrowntoseeingherinthesimplelinendressesshehadworninthecountry,acostumeassociatedwithexclusivepossession,thatthesightofhertravellingsuitandhatrenewedinmeanagonyofapprehension.Theunforeseeneventseemedtohavetransformedheroncemore.Herveilwasdrawnup,herfacewaspale,inhereyesweretracesoftears.
\"You\'regoing?\"Iasked,asItookherhands.
\"Hugh,Ihavetogo.\"
Sheledmethroughthedark,shroudeddrawingroomintothelittlesalonwherethewindowswereopenonthesilentcity-garden.Itookherinmyarms;shedidnotresist,asIhalfexpected,butclungtomewithwhatseemeddesperation.
\"Ihavetogo,dear——youwon\'tmakeittoohardforme!It\'sonly——
ordinarydecency,andthere\'snooneelsetogotohim.\"
Shedrewmetothesofa,hereyesbeseechingme.
\"Listen,dear,IwantyoutoseeitasIseeit.Iknowthatyouwill,thatyoudo.IshouldneverbeabletoforgivemyselfifIstayedawaynow,I——neitherofuscouldeverbehappyaboutit.Youdosee,don\'tyou?\"sheimplored.
\"Yes,\"Iadmittedagitatedly.
Hergrasponmyhandtightened.
\"Iknewyouwould.Butitmakesmehappiertohearyousayit.\"
Wesatforamomentinhelplesssilence,gazingatoneanother.Slowlyhereyeshadfilled.
\"Haveyouheardanythingmore?\"Imanagedtoask.
Shedrewatelegramfromherbag,asthoughthemovementwerearelief.
\"ThisisfromthedoctorinBoston——hisnameisMagruder.TheyhavegotHamthere,itseems.Ahorsekickedhiminthehead,afterhefell,——hehadjustrecoveredconsciousness.\"
Itookthetelegram.Thewordyseemedmeaningless,allsavethoseofthelastsentence.\"Thesituationisserious,butbynomeanshopeless.\"
Nancyhadnotspokenofthat.Theignorantcrueltyofitsconvention!
ThemanmusthaveknownwhatHambletonDurrettwas!Nancyreadmythoughts,andtookthepaperfrommyhand.
\"Hugh,dear,ifit\'shardforyou,trytounderstandthatit\'sterribleformetothinkthathehasanyclaimatall.Irealizenow,asIneverdidbefore,howwickeditwasinmetomarryhim.Ihatehim,Ican\'tbearthethoughtofgoingnearhim.\"
Shefellintowildweeping.Itriedtocomforther,whocouldnotcomfortmyself;Idon\'tremembermyinadequatewords.Wewereoverwhelmed,obliteratedbythesenseofcalamityItwasshewhocheckedherselfatlastbyaneffortthatwasalmosthysterical.
\"Imustn\'tyieldtoit!\"shesaid.\"It\'stimetoleaveandthetraingoesatsix.No,youmustn\'tcometothestation,Hugh——Idon\'tthinkI
couldstandit.I\'llsendyouatelegram.\"Sherose.\"Youmustgonow——youmust.\"
\"You\'llcomebacktome?\"Idemandedthickly,asIheldher.
\"Hugh,Iamyours,nowandalways.Howcanyoudoubtit?\"
AtlastIreleasedher,whenshehadbeggedmeagain.AndIfoundmyselfalittlelaterwalkingpastthefamiliar,emptyhousesofthosestreets
ThefrontpagesoftheeveningnewspapersannouncedtheaccidenttoHambletonDurrett,andaddedthatMrs.Durrett,whohadbeenlingeringinthecity,hadgonetoherhusband\'sbedside.Themorningpaperscontainedmoreofbiographyandancestry,buthadlittletoaddtothebulletin;andtherewasnolackofspeculationattheClubandelsewhereastoHam\'sabilitytorallyfromsuchashock.Icouldnotbeartolistentothesecomments:theywereviolentlydistastefultome.TheunforeseenaccidentandNancy\'ssuddendeparturehadthrownmylifecompletelyoutofgear:Icouldnotattendtobusiness,IdarednotgoawaylestthenewsfromNancybedelayed.Ispentthehoursinanexhaustingmentalstatethatalternatedbetweenhopeandfear,astateofunmitigated,intensedesire,ofbalkedrealization,sometimesheighteningintothatsheerterrorIhadfeltwhenIhaddetectedoverthetelephonethatnoteinhervoicethatseemedofdespair.Hadshehadapresentiment,allalong,thatsomethingwouldoccurtoseparateus?AsI
wentbackoverthehourswehadpassedtogethersinceshehadacknowledgedherlove,inspiteofmyselftheconvictiongrewonmethatshehadneverbelievedintherealityofourfuture.Indeed,shehadexpressedherdisbeliefinwords.Hadshebeenlookingallalongforasign——asignofwrath?AndwouldsheacceptthisaccidentofHam\'sassuch?
Retrospectionleftmetremblingandalmostsick.
ItwasnotuntilthesecondmorningafterherdeparturethatIreceivedatelegramgivingthenameofherBostonhotel,andsayingthattherewastobeaconsultationthatday,andassoonasithadtakenplaceshewouldwrite.SuchconsolationasIcouldgatherfromitwasderivedfromfourwordsattheend,——shemissedmedreadfully.Sometremorofpityforherenteredintomyconsciousness,withoutmitigatinggreatlythewildnessofmyresentment,ofmyforebodings.
Icouldbearnolongerthecity,theClub,theoffice,thedailycontactwithmyassociatesandclients.Sixhoursdistant,nearRossiter,wasasmallresortinthemountainsofwhichIhadheard.ItelegraphedNancytoaddressmethere,notifiedtheoffice,packedmybag,andwaitedimpatientlyformidday,whenIboardedthetrain.AtsevenIreachedalittlestationwhereastagewaswaitingtotakemetoCallender\'sMill.
ItwasnotuntilmorningthatIbeheldmyretreat,whenlittlewispsofvapourwerestrayingoverthesurfaceofthelake,andthesteepgreenslopesthatroseoutofthewateronthewesternsidewerestillinshadow.Thehotel,amuchovergrownandalteredfarm-house,stood,surroundedbygreattrees,inanancientclearingthatslopedgentlytothewater\'sedge,whereanold-fashioned,octagonalsummerhouseoverlookedalandingforrowboats.Theresort,indeed,wasasurvivalofsimplertimes
Inspiteofthethirty-oddguests,peopleofverymoderateincomeswhoknewtheplaceandhadcomehereyearafteryear,IwasasmuchaloneasifIhadbeentheonlysojourner.Theplacewassoremote,sopeacefulincontrasttothecityIhadleft,whichhadbecomeintolerable.Andatnight,duringhoursofwakefulness,themusicofthewatersfallingoverthedamwassoothing.Iusedtowalkdownthereandsitonthestonesoftheruinedmill;orclimbtothecrestsonthefarsideofthepondtogazeforhourswestwardwherethegreenbillowsoftheAlleghenieslostthemselvesinthehaze.Ihaddiscoveredanewcountry;here,whenourtrialsshouldbeover,IwouldbringNancy,andIfounddistractioninchoosingsitesforabungalow.Inmysoulhopefloweredwithlittlewatering.Uncertainnewswasgoodnews.Aftertwodaysofanimpatienceallbutintolerable,herfirstletterarrived,Ilearnedthatthespecialistshadnotbeenabletomakeadiagnosis,andIbegantotakeheartagain.Attimes,shesaid,Hamwasdeliriousanddifficulttomanage;atothertimeshesankintoaconditionofcoma;andagainheseemedtoknowherandRalph,whohadcomeupfromSouthampton,wherehehadbeenspendingthesummer.OnedoctorthoughtthatHam\'sremarkablevitalitywouldpullhimthrough,inspiteofwhathislifehadbeen.Theshock——asmighthavebeensurmised——hadaffectedthebrainThelettersthatfollowedcontainednoadditionalnews;shedidnotdwellonthedepressingreactionsinevitablefromthesituationinwhichshefoundherself——onesomuchworsethanmine;sheexpressedacontinuallongingforme;andyetIhadtroubletoconvincemyselfthattheydidnotlackthenoteofreassuranceforwhichIstrainedasIeagerlyscannedthem——
ofreassurancethatshehadnointentionofpermittingherhusband\'sconditiontointerferewiththatultimatehappinessonwhichitseemedmyexistencedepended.Itriedtoaccountfortheabsenceofthisnotebyreflectingthattheletterswereofnecessitybrief,hurriedlyscratchedoffatoddmoments;andanaturaldelicacywouldpreventherfromreferringtoourfutureatsuchatime.TheyrecordednochangeinHam\'sconditionsavethattheperiodsofcomahadceased.Thedoctorsweresilent,awaitingthearrivalinthiscountryofacertainNewYorkspecialistwhowasabroad.Shespentmostofherdaysatthehospital,returningtothehotelatnightexhausted:thepeoplesheknewinthevariousresortsaroundBostonhadbeenmostkind,sendingherflowers,andcallingwhenintowntoinquire.AtlengthcamethenewsthattheNewYorkdoctorwashomeagain;andcomingtoBoston.Inthatletterwasasentencewhichranglikeacryinmyears:\"Oh,Hugh,Ithinkthesedoctorsknownowwhatthetroubleis,IthinkIknow.TheyareonlywaitingforDr.Jamesontoconfirmit.\"
Itwasalwaysaneffortformetocontrolmyimpatienceafterthefirstrattlingwasheardinthemorningofthestagethatbroughtthemail,andIavoidedthewaitinggroupinfrontofthehoneycombedpartitionofboxesbesidethe\"office.\"OntheparticularmorningofwhichIamnowwritingtheproprietorhimselfhandedmealetterofominousthicknesswhichItookwithmedowntothebordersofthelakebeforetearingopentheflap.Inspiteofthecalmnessandrestraintofthefirstlines,becauseofthem,IfeltcreepingovermeanunnervingsensationIknewfordread
\"Hugh,theNewYorkdoctorhasbeenhere.ItisasIhavefearedforsomeweeks,butIcouldn\'ttellyouuntilIwassure.Hamisnotexactlyinsane,butheischildish.SometimesIthinkthatisevenworse.I
havehadatalkwithDr.Jameson,whohassimplyconfirmedtheopinionwhichtheotherphysicianshavegraduallybeenforming.Theaccidenthasprecipitatedakindofmentaldegeneration,buthishealth,otherwise,willnotbegreatlyaffected.
\"Jamesonwaskind,butveryfrank,forwhichIwasgrateful.Hedidnothesitatetosaythatitwouldhavebeenbetteriftheaccidenthadbeenfatal.Hamwon\'tbehelpless,physically.Ofcoursehewon\'tbeabletoplaypolo,ortakemuchactiveexercise.Ifheweretobehelpless,I
couldfeelthatImightbeofsomeuse,atleastofmoreuse.Heknowshisfriends.Someofthemhavebeenheretoseehim,andhetalksquiterationallywiththem,withRalph,withme,onlyonceinawhilehesayssomethingsilly.Itseemsoddtowritethatheisnotresponsible,sinceheneverhasbeen,——hisconditionissoqueerthatIamatalosstodescribeit.Theothermorning,beforeIarrivedfromthehotelandwhenthenursewasdownstairs,heleftthehospital,andwefoundhimseveralblocksalongCommonwealthAvenue,seatedonabench,withoutahat——hewasannoyedthathehadforgottenit,andquitesensibleotherwise.Webeganbytakinghimouteverymorninginanautomobile.To-dayhehadawalkwithRalph,andinsistedongoingintoaclubhere,towhichtheybothbelong.Twoorthreemenweretherewhomtheyknew,andhetalkedtothemabouthisfallfromtheponyandtoldthemjusthowithappened.
Atsuchtimesonlyacloseobservercantellfromhismannerthateverythingisnotright.
\"Ralph,whoalwayscouldmanagehim,preventedhistakinganythingtodrink.HedependsuponRalph,anditwillbeharderformewhenheisnotwithus.Hisattitudetowardsmeisjustaboutwhatithasalwaysbeen.Itrytoamusehimbyreadingthenewspapersandwithgames;wehaveachess-board.Attimesheseemsgrateful,andthenhewillsuddenlygrowtiredandhardtocontrol.OnceortwiceIhavehadtocallinDr.Magruder,whoownsthehospital.
\"Ithasbeenterriblyhardformetowriteallthis,butIhadtodoit,inorderthatyoumightunderstandthesituationcompletely.Hughdear,Isimplycan\'tleavehim.Thishasbeenbecomingclearerandclearertomealltheseweeks,butitbreaksmyhearttohavetowriteit.Ihavestruggledagainstit,Ihavelainawakenightstryingtofindjustificationforgoingtoyou,butitisstrongerthanI.Iamafraidofit——Isupposethat\'sthetruth.EveninthoseunforgettabledaysatthefarmIwasafraidofit,althoughIdidnotknowwhatitwastobe.
Callitwhatyoulike,saythatIamweak.Iamwillingtoacknowledgethatitisweakness.Iwishnocreditforit,itgivesmenoglow,thethoughtofitmakesmyheartsick.I\'mnotbigenoughIsupposethat\'stherealtruth.Ioncemighthavebeen;butI\'mnotnow,——theyearsofthelifeIchosehavemadeacowardofme.It\'snotaquestionofmoralsordutyit\'ssimplythatIcan\'ttakethethingforwhichmysoulcraves.
It\'stoolate.IfIbelievedinprayerI\'dpraythatyoumightpityandforgiveme.Ireallycan\'texpectyoutounderstandwhatIcan\'tmyselfexplain.Oh,Ineedpity——andIpityyou,mydear.IcanonlyhopethatyouwillnotsufferasIshall,thatyouwillfindreliefawaytoworkoutyourlife.ButIwillnotchangemydecision,Icannotchangeit.
Don\'tcomeon,don\'tattempttoseemenow.Ican\'tstandanymorethanIamstanding,Ishouldlosemymind.\"
Heretheletterwasblotted,andsomewordsscratchedout.Iwasunabletoreconstructthem.
\"RalphandI,\"sheproceededirrelevantly,\"havegotHamtoagreetogotoBuzzard\'sBay,andwehavetakenahousenearWareham.Writeandtellmethatyouforgiveandpityme.Iloveyouevenmore,ifsuchathingispossible,thanIhaveeverlovedyou.Thisismyonlycomfortandcompensation,thatIhavehadandhavebeenabletofeelsuchalove,andIknowIshallalwaysfeelit——Nancy.\"Thefirsteffectofthisletterwasaparalyzingone.Iwasunabletorealizeorbelievethethingthathadhappenedtome,andIsatstupidlyholdingthesheetinmyhanduntilIheardvoicesalongthepath,andthenIfledinstinctively,likeananimal,tohidemyinjuryfromanypersonsImightmeet.Iwandereddowntheshoreofthelake,strikingatlengthintothewoods,seekingsomeinviolableshelter;norwasIconsciousofphysicaleffortuntilIfoundmyselfpantingnearthecrestoftheridgewheretherewasapasture,whichsomeancientglacierhadstrewnwithgreatboulders.BesideoneoftheseIsank.Heraldedbythedeeptonesofbells,twosteersappearedabovetheshoulderofahillandstoodstaringatmewithbovinecuriosity,andfelltograzingagain.Afleetofwhiteclouds,likeshipspressedwithsail,hurriedacrosstheskyasthoughracingforsomedeterminedport;andtheshadowstheycastalongthehillsidesaccentuatedthehighbrightnessoftheday,emphasizedthevividandhatefulbeautyofthelandscape.Mynumbnessbegantobepenetratedbyshootingpains,andIgraspedlittlebylittlethefulnessofmycalamity,untilIwasinthestateofwildrebellionofonewhomlifeforthefirsttimehasfoiledinasupremedesire.Therewasnofateaboutthisthing,itwasjustanabsurdaccident.Theoperationofthelawsofnaturehadsentamantotheground:anothercombinationofcircumstanceswouldhavekilledhim,stillanother,andhewouldhavearisenunhurt.
Butbecauseofthisparticularcombinationmyhappinesswasruined,andNancy\'s!Shehadnotexpectedmetounderstand.Well,Ididn\'tunderstand,Ihadnopity,inthathourIfeltaresentmentalmostamountingtohate;IcouldseeonlyunreasoningsuperstitioninthewomanIwantedaboveeverythingintheworld.Womenofotherdayshadindeedrenouncedgreatloves:thethingwasnotunheardof.Butthatthisshouldhappeninthesetimes——andtome!ItwasunthinkablethatNancyofallwomenshouldn\'tbeemancipatedfromthethrallsofreligiousinhibition!Andifitwasn\'t\"conscience,\"whatwasit?
Wasit,asshesaid,weakness,lackofcouragetotakelifewhenitwasofferedher?Iwassuddenlyfilledwiththefeverofcomposingargumentstochangeadecisionthatappearedtometobetheresultofamonstrouscapriceanddelusion;writingthemout,astheyoccurredtome,insnatchesonthebacksofenvelopes——herenvelopes.
ThenIproceededtomakethedraftofaletter,theeffortrequiredforcompositioneasingmeuntilthedraftwasfinished;whenIstartedforthehotel,climbingfences,leapingstreams,makingmywayacrossrockfacesandthroughwoods;haltingnowandthenassomereenforcingargumentoccurredtometowriteitintomydraftattheproperplaceuntilthesheetswereinterlinedandblurredandalmostillegible.Itwasalreadythreeo\'clockwhenIreachedmyroom,andthemailleftatfour.Ibegantocopyandrevisemyscrawl,glancingfromtimetotimeatmywatch,whichIhadlaidonthetable.Hurriedlywashingmyfaceandbrushingmyhair,Iarriveddownstairsjustasthestagewasleaving
AftertheletterhadgonestillotherargumentsImighthaveaddedbegantooccurtome,andIregrettedthatIhadnotsoftenedsomeofthethingsIwroteandmadeothersmoreemphatic.Inplacesargumenthaddegeneratedintoabjectentreaty.Neverhadmydesirebeensoimportunateasnow,whenIwasincontinualterroroflosingher.NorcouldIseehowIwastolivewithouther,lifelackingamotivebeingincomprehensible:yetthefireofoptimisminme,thoughdieddowntoashes,wouldnotbeextinguished.Atmomentsitflaredupintowhatalmostamountedtoaconvictionthatshecouldnotresistmyappeal.I
hadthreatenedtogotoher,andmorethanonceIstartedpacking
ThreedayslaterIreceivedabriefnoteinwhichshemanagedtoconveytome,thoughtenderlyandcompassionately,thatherdecisionwasunalterable.IfIcameon,shewouldrefusetoseeme.Itooktheafternoonstageandwentbacktothecity,toplungeintoaffairsagain;
butforweeksmytorturewassoacutethatitgivesmepaintorecallit,todwelluponitto-dayAndyet,amazingasitmayseem,therecameatimewhenhopebegantodawnagainoutofmydespair.Perhapsmylifehadnotbeenutterlyshattered,afterall:perhapsHamDurrettwouldgetwell:suchthingshappened,andNancywouldnolongerhaveanexcuseforcontinuingtorefuseme.LittlebylittlemyangeratwhatIhadnowbecomeconvincedwasherweaknesscooled,and——thoughparadoxicallyIhadcontinuedtoloveherinspiteofthetortureforwhichshewasresponsible,inspiteoftheresentmentIfelt,Imeltedtowardher.
Truetomyhabitofrelianceonmiracles,Itriedtoreconcilemyselftoaperiodofwaiting.
NeverthelessIwasfaintlyaware——consequentuponifnotasaresultofthistremendousexperience——ofsomechangewithinme.ItwasnotonlythatIfeltattimesanovelsenseofuneasinessatbeingapreytoaccidents,subjecttoravagesoffeeling;theunityofmindthathadhithertoenabledmetopressforwardcontinuouslytowardaconcretegoalshowedsignsofbreakingup:——thegoalhadlostitsdesirability.I
seemedoddlytoberelapsingintothestatesofquestioningthathadcharacterizedmyearlieryears.PerhapsitwouldbeanexaggerationtosaythatIactuallybegantospeculateonthepossibleexistenceofarealmwherethesoulmightfindarefugefromthebuffetingsoflife,fromwhichthephilosophyofprosperitywaspowerlesstosaveit
XXIV.
Itwasimpossible,ofcourse,thatmyfriendsshouldhavefailedtoperceivethestateofdisorganizationIwasin,andsomeofthematleastmusthaveguesseditscause.Dickinson,onhisreturnfromMaine,atoncebeggedmetogoaway.IrathercongratulatedmyselfthatTomhadchosenthesemonthsforalong-delayedvacationinCanada.Hispassionforfishingstillpersisted.