\"Well,then,whataretheywaitingfor?Whydon\'ttheyleave?Nobody\'shindering.Goodland,I\'mwillingtoletbygonesbebygones,I\'msure.\"
\"Leave,isit?Oh,givethyselfeasementastothat.Theydreamnotofit,no,notthey.Theywaittoyieldthem.\"
\"Come——really,isthat\'sooth\'——asyoupeoplesay?Iftheywantto,whydon\'tthey?\"
\"Itwouldlikethemmuch;butanyewothowdragonsareesteemed,yewouldnotholdthemblamable.Theyfeartocome.\"
\"Well,then,supposeIgototheminstead,and——\"
\"Ah,wityewelltheywouldnotabideyourcoming.Iwillgo.\"
Andshedid.Shewasahandypersontohavealongonaraid.Iwouldhaveconsideredthisadoubtfulerrand,myself.Ipresentlysawtheknightsridingaway,andSandycomingback.Thatwasarelief.Ijudgedshehadsomehowfailedtogetthefirstinnings——Imeanintheconversation;
otherwisetheinterviewwouldn\'thavebeensoshort.Butitturnedoutthatshehadmanagedthebusinesswell;infact,admirably.ShesaidthatwhenshetoldthosepeopleIwasTheBoss,ithitthemwheretheylived:
\"smotethemsorewithfearanddread\"washerword;andthentheywerereadytoputupwithanythingshemightrequire.SoshesworethemtoappearatArthur\'scourtwithintwodaysandyieldthem,withhorseandharness,andbemyknightshenceforth,andsubjecttomycommand.HowmuchbettershemanagedthatthingthanIshouldhavedoneitmyself!Shewasadaisy.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter15Chapter15-Sandy\'sTaleANDsoI\'mproprietorofsomeknights,\"saidI,aswerodeoff.\"WhowouldeverhavesupposedthatIshouldlivetolistupassetsofthatsort.I
shan\'tknowwhattodowiththem;unlessIrafflethemoff.Howmanyofthemarethere,Sandy?\"
\"Seven,pleaseyou,sir,andtheirsquires.\"
\"Itisagoodhaul.Whoarethey?Wheredotheyhangout?\"
\"Wheredotheyhangout?\"
\"Yes,wheredotheylive?\"
\"Ah,Iunderstoodtheenot.ThatwillItelleftsoons.\"Thenshesaidmusingly,andsoftly,turningthewordsdaintilyoverhertongue:\"Hangtheyout——hangtheyout——wherehang——wheredotheyhangout;eh,rightso;wheredotheyhangout.Ofatruththephrasehathafairandwinsomegrace,andisprettilywordedwithal.Iwillrepeatitanonandanoninmineidlesse,wherebyImayperadventurelearnit.Wheredotheyhangout.Evenso!alreadyitfallethtrippinglyfrommytongue,andforasmuchas——\"
\"Don\'tforgetthecowboys,Sandy.\"
\"Cowboys?\"
\"Yes;theknights,youknow:Youweregoingtotellmeaboutthem.A
whileback,youremember.Figurativelyspeaking,game\'scalled.\"
\"Game——\"
\"Yes,yes,yes!Gotothebat.Imean,gettoworkonyourstatistics,anddon\'tburnsomuchkindlinggettingyourfirestarted.Tellmeabouttheknights.\"
\"Iwillwell,andlightlywillbegin.Sotheytwodepartedandrodeintoagreatforest.And——\"
\"GreatScott!\"
Yousee,Irecognizedmymistakeatonce.Ihadsetherworksa-going;
itwasmyownfault;shewouldbethirtydaysgettingdowntothosefacts.
Andshegenerallybeganwithoutaprefaceandfinishedwithoutaresult.
Ifyouinterruptedhershewouldeithergorightalongwithoutnoticing,oranswerwithacoupleofwords,andgobackandsaythesentenceoveragain.So,interruptionsonlydidharm;andyetIhadtointerrupt,andinterruptprettyfrequently,too,inordertosavemylife;apersonwoulddieifhelethermonotonydriponhimrightalongallday.
\"GreatScott!\"Isaidinmydistress.Shewentrightbackandbeganoveragain:
\"Sotheytwodepartedandrodeintoagreatforest.And——\"
\"WHICHtwo?\"
\"SirGawaineandSirUwaine.Andsotheycametoanabbeyofmonks,andtherewerewelllodged.Soonthemorntheyheardtheirmassesintheabbey,andsotheyrodeforthtilltheycametoagreatforest;thenwasSirGawainewareinavalleybyaturret,oftwelvefairdamsels,andtwoknightsarmedongreathorses,andthedamselswenttoandfrobyatree.
AndthenwasSirGawainewarehowtherehungawhiteshieldonthattree,andeverasthedamselscamebyittheyspituponit,andsomethrewmireupontheshield——\"
\"Now,ifIhadn\'tseenthelikemyselfinthiscountry,Sandy,Iwouldn\'tbelieveit.ButI\'veseenit,andIcanjustseethosecreaturesnow,paradingbeforethatshieldandactinglikethat.Thewomenheredocertainlyactlikeallpossessed.Yes,andImeanyourbest,too,society\'sverychoicestbrands.Thehumblesthello-girlalongtenthousandmilesofwirecouldteachgentleness,patience,modesty,manners,tothehighestduchessinArthur\'sland.\"
\"Hello-girl?\"
\"Yes,butdon\'tyouaskmetoexplain;it\'sanewkindofagirl;theydon\'thavethemhere;oneoftenspeakssharplytothemwhentheyarenottheleastinfault,andhecan\'tgetoverfeelingsorryforitandashamedofhimselfinthirteenhundredyears,it\'ssuchshabbymeanconductandsounprovoked;thefactis,nogentlemaneverdoesit——thoughI——well,Imyself,ifI\'vegottoconfess——\"
\"Peradventureshe——\"
\"Nevermindher;nevermindher;ItellyouIcouldn\'teverexplainhersoyouwouldunderstand.\"
\"Evensobeit,sithyearesominded.ThenSirGawaineandSirUwainewentandsalutedthem,andaskedthemwhytheydidthatdespitetotheshield.Sirs,saidthedamsels,weshalltellyou.Thereisaknightinthiscountrythatowneththiswhiteshield,andheisapassinggoodmanofhishands,buthehatethallladiesandgentlewomen,andthereforewedoallthisdespitetotheshield.Iwillsayyou,saidSirGawaine,itbeseemethevilagoodknighttodespiseallladiesandgentlewomen,andperadventurethoughhehateyouhehathsomecause,andperadventurehelovethinsomeotherplacesladiesandgentlewomen,andtobelovedagain,andhesuchamanofprowessasyespeakof——\"
\"Manofprowess——yes,thatisthemantopleasethem,Sandy.Manofbrains——thatisathingtheyneverthinkof.TomSayers——JohnHeenan——JohnL.Sullivan——pitybutyoucouldbehere.YouwouldhaveyourlegsundertheRoundTableanda\'Sir\'infrontofyournameswithinthetwenty-fourhours;andyoucouldbringaboutanewdistributionofthemarriedprincessesandduchessesoftheCourtinanothertwenty-four.Thefactis,itisjustasortofpolished-upcourtofComanches,andthereisn\'tasquawinitwhodoesn\'tstandreadyatthedroppingofahattodeserttothebuckwiththebiggeststringofscalpsathisbelt.\"
\"——andhebesuchamanofprowessasyespeakof,saidSirGawaine.
Now,whatishisname?Sir,saidthey,hisnameisMarhaustheking\'ssonofIreland.\"
\"SonofthekingofIreland,youmean;theotherformdoesn\'tmeananything.
Andlookoutandholdontight,now,wemustjumpthisgullyThere,weareallrightnow.Thishorsebelongsinthecircus;heisbornbeforehistime.\"
\"Iknowhimwell,saidSirUwaine,heisapassinggoodknightasanyisonlive.\"
\"ONLIVE.Ifyou\'vegotafaultintheworld,Sandy,itisthatyouareashadetooarchaic.Butitisn\'tanymatter.\"
\"——forIsawhimonceprovedatajustswheremanyknightsweregathered,andthattimetheremightnomanwithstandhim.Ah,saidSirGawaine,damsels,methinkethyearetoblame,foritistosupposehethathungthatshieldtherewillnotbelongtherefrom,andthenmaythoseknightsmatchhimonhorseback,andthatismoreyourworshipthanthus;forIwillabidenolongertoseeaknight\'sshielddishonored.AndtherewithSirUwaineandSirGawainedepartedalittlefromthem,andthenweretheywarewhereSirMarhauscameridingonagreathorsestraighttowardthem.AndwhenthetwelvedamselssawSirMarhaustheyfledintotheturretastheywerewild,sothatsomeofthemfellbytheway.Thentheoneoftheknightsofthetowerdressedhisshield,andsaidonhigh,SirMarhausdefendthee.
AndsotheyrantogetherthattheknightbrakehisspearonMarhaus,andSirMarhaussmotehimsohardthathebrakehisneckandthehorse\'sback——\"
\"Well,thatisjustthetroubleaboutthisstateofthings,itruinssomanyhorses.\"
\"Thatsawtheotherknightoftheturret,anddressedhimtowardMarhaus,andtheywentsoeagerlytogether,thattheknightoftheturretwassoonsmittendown,horseandman,starkdead——\"
\"ANOTHERhorsegone;Itellyouitisacustomthatoughttobebrokenup.Idon\'tseehowpeoplewithanyfeelingcanapplaudandsupportit.\"
\"Sothesetwoknightscametogetherwithgreatrandom——\"
IsawthatIhadbeenasleepandmissedachapter,butIdidn\'tsayanything.IjudgedthattheIrishknightwasintroublewiththevisitorsbythistime,andthisturnedouttobethecase.
\"——thatSirUwainesmoteSirMarhausthathisspearbrastinpiecesontheshield,andSirMarhaussmotehimsosorethathorseandmanhebaretotheearth,andhurtSirUwaineontheleftside——
\"Thetruthis,Alisande,thesearchaicsarealittleTOOsimple;thevocabularyistoolimited,andso,byconsequence,descriptionssufferinthematterofvariety;theyruntoomuchtolevelSaharasoffact,andnotenoughtopicturesquedetail;thisthrowsaboutthemacertainairofthemonotonous;infactthefightsareallalike:acoupleofpeoplecometogetherwithgreatrandom——randomisagoodword,andsoisexegesis,forthatmatter,andsoisholocaust,anddefalcation,andusufructandahundredothers,butland!abodyoughttodiscriminate——theycometogetherwithgreatrandom,andaspearisbrast,andonepartybrakehisshieldandtheotheronegoesdown,horseandman,overhishorse-tailandbrakehisneck,andthenthenextcandidatecomesrandomingin,andbrastHIS
spear,andtheothermanbrasthisshield,anddownHEgoes,horseandman,overhishorse-tail,andbrakeHISneck,andthenthere\'sanotherelected,andanotherandanotherandstillanother,tillthematerialisallusedup;andwhenyoucometofigureupresults,youcan\'ttellonefightfromanother,norwhowhipped;andasaPICTURE,ofliving,raging,roaringbattle,sho!why,it\'spaleandnoiseless——justghostsscufflinginafog.Dearme,whatwouldthisbarrenvocabularygetoutofthemightiestspectacle?——theburningofRomeinNero\'stime,forinstance?Why,itwouldmerelysay,\'Townburneddown;noinsurance;boybrastawindow,firemanbrakehisneck!\'Why,THATain\'tapicture!\"
Itwasagooddealofalecture,Ithought,butitdidn\'tdisturbSandy,didn\'tturnafeather;hersteamsoaredsteadilyupagain,theminuteI
tookoffthelid:
\"ThenSirMarhausturnedhishorseandrodetowardGawainewithhisspear.AndwhenSirGawainesawthat,hedressedhisshield,andtheyaventredtheirspears,andtheycametogetherwithallthemightoftheirhorses,thateitherknightsmoteothersohardinthemidstoftheirshields,butSirGawaine\'sspearbrake——\"
\"Iknewitwould.\"——
\"butSirMarhaus\'sspearheld;andtherewithSirGawaineandhishorserusheddowntotheearth——\"
\"Justso——andbrakehisback.\"——
\"andlightlySirGawaineroseuponhisfeetandpulledouthissword,anddressedhimtowardSirMarhausonfoot,andtherewitheithercameuntoothereagerly,andsmotetogetherwiththeirswords,thattheirshieldsflewincantels,andtheybruisedtheirhelmsandtheirhauberks,andwoundedeitherother.ButSirGawaine,froitpassednineoftheclock,waxedbythespaceofthreehourseverstrongerandstronger.andthricehismightwasincreased.AllthisespiedSirMarhaus,andhadgreatwonderhowhismightincreased,andsotheywoundedotherpassingsore;andthenwhenitwascomenoon——\"
Thepeltingsing-songofitcarriedmeforwardtoscenesandsoundsofmyboyhooddays:
\"N-e-e-ewHaven!tenminutesforrefreshments——knductr\'llstrikethegong-belltwominutesbeforetrainleaves——passengersfortheShorelinepleasetakeseatsinthereark\'yar,thisk\'yardon\'tgonofurder——AHH-
pls,AW-rnjz,b\'NANners,S-A-N-D\'ches,p——OP-corn!\"——
\"andwaxedpastnoonanddrewtowardevensong.SirGawaine\'sstrengthfeebledandwaxedpassingfaint,thatunnetheshemightdureanylonger,andSirMarhauswasthenbiggerandbigger——\"
\"Whichstrainedhisarmor,ofcourse;andyetlittlewouldoneofthesepeoplemindasmallthinglikethat.\"——
\"andso,SirKnight,saidSirMarhaus,Ihavewellfeltthatyeareapassinggoodknight,andamarvelousmanofmightaseverIfeltany,whileitlasteth,andourquarrelsarenotgreat,andthereforeitwereapitytodoyouhurt,forIfeelyouarepassingfeeble.Ah,saidSirGawaine,gentleknight,yesaythewordthatIshouldsay.Andtherewiththeytookofftheirhelmsandeitherkissedother,andtheretheysworetogethereithertoloveotherasbrethren——\"
ButIlostthethreadthere,anddozedofftoslumber,thinkingaboutwhatapityitwasthatmenwithsuchsuperbstrength——strengthenablingthemtostandupcasedincruellyburdensomeironanddrenchedwithperspiration,andhackandbatterandbangeachotherforsixhoursonastretch——shouldnothavebeenbornatatimewhentheycouldputittosomeusefulpurpose.
Takeajackass,forinstance:ajackasshasthatkindofstrength,andputsittoausefulpurpose,andisvaluabletothisworldbecauseheisajackass;butanoblemanisnotvaluablebecauseheisajackass.Itisamixturethatisalwaysineffectual,andshouldneverhavebeenattemptedinthefirstplace.Andyet,onceyoustartamistake,thetroubleisdoneandyouneverknowwhatisgoingtocomeofit.
WhenIcametomyselfagainandbegantolisten,IperceivedthatI
hadlostanotherchapter,andthatAlisandehadwanderedalongwayoffwithherpeople.
\"Andsotheyrodeandcameintoadeepvalleyfullofstones,andtherebytheysawafairstreamofwater;abovetherebywastheheadofthestream,afairfountain,andthreedamselssittingthereby.Inthiscountry,saidSirMarhaus,cameneverknightsinceitwaschristened,buthefoundstrangeadventures——\"
\"Thisisnotgoodform,Alisande.SirMarhaustheking\'ssonofIrelandtalkslikealltherest;yououghttogivehimabrogue,oratleastacharacteristicexpletive;bythismeansonewouldrecognizehimassoonashespoke,withouthiseverbeingnamed.Itisacommonliterarydevicewiththegreatauthors.Youshouldmakehimsay,\'Inthiscountry,bejabers,cameneverknightsinceitwaschristened,buthefoundstrangeadventures,bejabers.\'Youseehowmuchbetterthatsounds.\"——
\"cameneverknightbuthefoundstrangeadventures,bejabers.Ofatruthitdothindeed,fairlord,albeit\'tispassinghardtosay,thoughperadventurethatwillnottarrybutbetterspeedwithusage.Andthentheyrodetothedamsels,andeithersalutedother,andtheeldesthadagarlandofgoldaboutherhead,andshewasthreescorewinterofageormore——\"
\"TheDAMSELwas?\"
\"Evenso,dearlord——andherhairwaswhiteunderthegarland——\"
\"Celluloidteeth,ninedollarsaset,aslikeasnot——theloose-fitkind,thatgoupanddownlikeaportculliswhenyoueat,andfalloutwhenyoulaugh.\"
\"Theseconddamselwasofthirtywinterofage,withacircletofgoldaboutherhead.Thethirddamselwasbutfifteenyearofage——\"
Billowsofthoughtcamerollingovermysoul,andthevoicefadedoutofmyhearing!
Fifteen!Break——myheart!oh,mylostdarling!Justheragewhowassogentle,andlovely,andalltheworldtome,andwhomIshallneverseeagain!Howthethoughtofhercarriesmebackoverwideseasofmemorytoavaguedimtime,ahappytime,somany,manycenturieshence,whenIusedtowakeinthesoftsummermornings,outofsweetdreamsofher,andsay\"Hello,Central!\"justtohearherdearvoicecomemeltingbacktomewitha\"Hello,Hank!\"thatwasmusicofthespherestomyenchantedear.Shegotthreedollarsaweek,butshewasworthit.
IcouldnotfollowAlisande\'sfurtherexplanationofwhoourcapturedknightswere,now——Imeanincasesheshouldevergettoexplainingwhotheywere.Myinterestwasgone,mythoughtswerefaraway,andsad.Byfitfulglimpsesofthedriftingtale,caughthereandthereandnowandthen,Imerelynotedinavaguewaythateachofthesethreeknightstookoneofthesethreedamselsupbehindhimonhishorse,andonerodenorth,anothereast,theothersouth,toseekadventures,andmeetagainandlie,afteryearandday.Yearandday——andwithoutbaggage.Itwasofapiecewiththegeneralsimplicityofthecountry.
Thesunwasnowsetting.ItwasaboutthreeintheafternoonwhenAlisandehadbeguntotellmewhothecowboyswere;soshehadmadeprettygoodprogresswithit——forher.Shewouldarrivesometimeorother,nodoubt,butshewasnotapersonwhocouldbehurried.
Wewereapproachingacastlewhichstoodonhighground;ahuge,strong,venerablestructure,whosegraytowersandbattlementswerecharminglydrapedwithivy,andwhosewholemajesticmasswasdrenchedwithsplendorsflungfromthesinkingsun.Itwasthelargestcastlewehadseen,andsoIthoughtitmightbetheonewewereafter,butSandysaidno.Shedidnotknowwhoownedit;shesaidshehadpasseditwithoutcalling,whenshewentdowntoCamelot.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter16Chapter16-MorganLeFayIFknightserrantweretobebelieved,notallcastlesweredesirableplacestoseekhospitalityin.Asamatteroffact,knightserrantwereNOTpersonstobebelieved——thatis,measuredbymodernstandardsofveracity;yet,measuredbythestandardsoftheirowntime,andscaledaccordingly,yougotthetruth.Itwasverysimple:youdiscountedastatementninetysevenpercent.;therestwasfact.Nowaftermakingthisallowance,thetruthremainedthatifIcouldfindoutsomethingaboutacastlebeforeringingthedoorbell——Imeanhailingthewarders——itwasthesensiblethingtodo.SoIwaspleasedwhenIsawinthedistanceahorsemanmakingthebottomturnoftheroadthatwounddownfromthiscastle.
Asweapproachedeachother,Isawthatheworeaplumedhelmet,andseemedtobeotherwiseclothedinsteel,butboreacuriousadditionalso——astiffsquaregarmentlikeaherald\'stabard.However,IhadtosmileatmyownforgetfulnesswhenIgotnearerandreadthissignonhistabard:
\"Persimmon\'sSoap——AllthePrime-DonnaUseIt.\"
Thatwasalittleideaofmyown,andhadseveralwholesomepurposesinviewtowardthecivilizingandupliftingofthisnation.Inthefirstplace,itwasafurtive,underhandblowatthisnonsenseofknighterrantry,thoughnobodysuspectedthatbutme.Ihadstartedanumberofthesepeopleout——thebravestknightsIcouldget——eachsandwichedbetweenbulletin-boardsbearingonedeviceoranother,andIjudgedthatbyandbywhentheygottobenumerousenoughtheywouldbegintolookridiculous;andthen,eventhesteel-cladassthatHADN\'Tanyboardwouldhimselfbegintolookridiculousbecausehewasoutofthefashion.
Secondly,thesemissionarieswouldgradually,andwithoutcreatingsuspicionorexcitingalarm,introducearudimentarycleanlinessamongthenobility,andfromthemitwouldworkdowntothepeople,ifthepriestscouldbekeptquiet.ThiswouldunderminetheChurch.Imeanwouldbeasteptowardthat.Next,education——next,freedom——andthenshewouldbegintocrumble.
ItbeingmyconvictionthatanyEstablishedChurchisanestablishedcrime,anestablishedslave-pen,Ihadnoscruples,butwaswillingtoassailitinanywayorwithanyweaponthatpromisedtohurtit.Why,inmyownformerday——inremotecenturiesnotyetstirringinthewomboftime——therewereoldEnglishmenwhoimaginedthattheyhadbeenborninafreecountry:a\"free\"countrywiththeCorporationActandtheTeststillinforceinit——timbersproppedagainstmen\'slibertiesanddishonoredconsciencestoshoreupanEstablishedAnachronismwith.
Mymissionariesweretaughttospelloutthegiltsignsontheirtabards——theshowygildingwasaneatidea,Icouldhavegotthekingtowearabulletin-boardforthesakeofthatbarbaricsplendor——theyweretospelloutthesesignsandthenexplaintothelordsandladieswhatsoapwas;andifthelordsandladieswereafraidofit,getthemtotryitonadog.Themissionary\'snextmovewastogetthefamilytogetherandtryitonhimself;hewastostopatnoexperiment,howeverdesperate.
thatcouldconvincethenobilitythatsoapwasharmless;ifanyfinaldoubtremained,hemustcatchahermit——thewoodswerefullofthem;saintstheycalledthemselves,andsaintstheywerebelievedtobe.Theywereunspeakablyholy,andworkedmiracles,andeverybodystoodinaweofthem.
Ifahermitcouldsurviveawash,andthatfailedtoconvinceaduke,givehimup,lethimalone.
Whenevermymissionariesovercameaknighterrantontheroadtheywashedhim,andwhenhegotwelltheysworehimtogoandgetabulletin-boardanddisseminatesoapandcivilizationtherestofhisdays.Asaconsequencetheworkersinthefieldwereincreasingbydegrees,andthereformwassteadilyspreading.Mysoapfactoryfeltthestrainearly.AtfirstIhadonlytwohands;butbeforeIhadlefthomeIwasalreadyemployingfifteen,andrunningnightandday;andtheatmosphericresultwasgettingsopronouncedthatthekingwentsortoffaintingandgaspingaroundandsaidhedidnotbelievehecouldstanditmuchlonger,andSirLauncelotgotsothathedidhardlyanythingbutwalkupanddowntheroofandswear,althoughItoldhimitwasworseuptherethananywhereelse,buthesaidhewantedplentyofair;andhewasalwayscomplainingthatapalacewasnoplaceforasoapfactoryanyway,andsaidifamanwastostartoneinhishousehewouldbedamnedifhewouldn\'tstranglehim.Therewereladiespresent,too,butmuchthesepeopleevercaredforthat;theywouldswearbeforechildren,ifthewindwastheirwaywhenthefactorywasgoing.
Thismissionaryknight\'snamewasLaCoteMaleTaile,andhesaidthatthiscastlewastheabodeofMorganleFay,sisterofKingArthur,andwifeofKingUriens.monarchofarealmaboutasbigastheDistrictofColumbia——youcouldstandinthemiddleofitandthrowbricksintothenextkingdom.\"Kings\"and\"Kingdoms\"wereasthickinBritainastheyhadbeeninlittlePalestineinJoshua\'stime,whenpeoplehadtosleepwiththeirkneespulledupbecausetheycouldn\'tstretchoutwithoutapassport.
LaCotewasmuchdepressed,forhehadscoredheretheworstfailureofhiscampaign.Hehadnotworkedoffacake;yethehadtriedallthetricksofthetrade,eventothewashingofahermit;butthehermitdied.
Thiswas,indeed,abadfailure,forthisanimalwouldnowbedubbedamartyr,andwouldtakehisplaceamongthesaintsoftheRomancalendar.
Thusmadehehismoan,thispoorSirLaCoteMaleTaile,andsorrowedpassingsore.Andsomyheartbledforhim,andIwasmovedtocomfortandstayhim.WhereforeIsaid:
\"Forbeartogrieve,fairknight,forthisisnotadefeat.Wehavebrains,youandI;andforsuchashavebrainstherearenodefeats,butonlyvictories.
Observehowwewillturnthisseemingdisasterintoanadvertisement;anadvertisementforoursoap;andthebiggestone,todraw,thatwaseverthoughtof;anadvertisementthatwilltransformthatMountWashingtondefeatintoaMatterhornvictory.Wewillputonyourbulletin-board,\'PATRONIZED
BYTHEELECT.\'Howdoesthatstrikeyou?\"
\"Verily,itiswonderlybethought!\"
\"Well,abodyisboundtoadmitthatforjustamodestlittleone-linead.,it\'sacorker.\"
Sothepoorcolporteur\'sgriefsvanishedaway.Hewasabravefellow,andhaddonemightyfeatsofarmsinhistime.Hischiefcelebrityrestedupontheeventsofanexcursionlikethisoneofmine,whichhehadoncemadewithadamselnamedMaledisant,whowasashandywithhertongueaswasSandy,thoughinadifferentway,forhertonguechurnedforthonlyrailingsandinsult,whereasSandy\'smusicwasofakindliersort.Iknewhisstorywell,andsoIknewhowtointerpretthecompassionthatwasinhisfacewhenhebademefarewell.HesupposedIwashavingabitterhardtimeofit.
SandyandIdiscussedhisstory,aswerodealong,andshesaidthatLaCote\'sbadluckhadbegunwiththeverybeginningofthattrip;fortheking\'sfoolhadoverthrownhimonthefirstday,andinsuchcasesitwascustomaryforthegirltodeserttotheconqueror,butMaledisantdidn\'tdoit;andalsopersistedafterwardinstickingtohim,afterallhisdefeats.But,saidI,supposethevictorshoulddeclinetoaccepthisspoil?Shesaidthatthatwouldn\'tanswer——hemust.Hecouldn\'tdecline;
itwouldn\'tberegular.Imadeanoteofthat.IfSandy\'smusicgottobetooburdensome,sometime,Iwouldletaknightdefeatme,onthechancethatshewoulddeserttohim.
Induetimewewerechallengedbythewarders,fromthecastlewalls,andafteraparleyadmitted.Ihavenothingpleasanttotellaboutthatvisit.Butitwasnotadisappointment,forIknewMrs.leFaybyreputation,andwasnotexpectinganythingpleasant.Shewasheldinawebythewholerealm,forshehadmadeeverybodybelieveshewasagreatsorceress.Allherwayswerewicked,allherinstinctsdevilish.Shewasloadedtotheeyelidswithcoldmalice.Allherhistorywasblackwithcrime;andamonghercrimesmurderwascommon.Iwasmostcurioustoseeher;ascuriousasIcouldhavebeentoseeSatan.Tomysurpriseshewasbeautiful;blackthoughtshadfailedtomakeherexpressionrepulsive,agehadfailedtowrinklehersatinskinormaritsbloomyfreshness.ShecouldhavepassedforoldUriens\'granddaughter,shecouldhavebeenmistakenforsistertoherownson.
Assoonaswewerefairlywithinthecastlegateswewereorderedintoherpresence.KingUrienswasthere,akind-facedoldmanwithasubduedlook;andalsotheson,SirUwaineleBlanchemains,inwhomIwas,ofcourse,interestedonaccountofthetraditionthathehadoncedonebattlewiththirtyknights,andalsoonaccountofhistripwithSirGawaineandSirMarhaus,whichSandyhadbeenagingmewith.ButMorganwasthemainattraction,theconspicuouspersonalityhere;shewasheadchiefofthishousehold,thatwasplain.Shecausedustobeseated,andthenshebegan,withallmannerofprettygracesandgraciousnesses,toaskmequestions.Dearme,itwaslikeabirdoraflute,orsomething,talking.Ifeltpersuadedthatthiswomanmusthavebeenmisrepresented,liedabout.Shetrilledalong,andtrilledalong,andpresentlyahandsomeyoungpage,clothedliketherainbow,andaseasyandundulatoryofmovementasawave,camewithsomethingonagoldensalver,and,kneelingtopresentittoher,overdidhisgracesandlosthisbalance,andsofelllightlyagainstherknee.Sheslippedadirkintohiminasmatter-of-courseawayasanotherpersonwouldhaveharpoonedarat!
Poorchild!heslumpedtothefloor,twistedhissilkenlimbsinonegreatstrainingcontortionofpain,andwasdead.Outoftheoldkingwaswrunganinvoluntary\"O-h!\"ofcompassion.Thelookhegot,madehimcutitsuddenlyshortandnotputanymorehyphensinit.SirUwaine,atasignfromhismother,wenttotheanteroomandcalledsomeservants,andmeanwhilemadamewentripplingsweetlyalongwithhertalk.
Isawthatshewasagoodhousekeeper,forwhileshetalkedshekeptacornerofhereyeontheservantstoseethattheymadenobalksinhandlingthebodyandgettingitout;whentheycamewithfreshcleantowels,shesentbackfortheotherkind;andwhentheyhadfinishedwipingthefloorandweregoing,sheindicatedacrimsonfleckthesizeofatearwhichtheirdullereyeshadoverlooked.ItwasplaintomethatLaCoteMaleTailehadfailedtoseethemistressofthehouse.Often,howlouderandclearerthananytongue,doesdumbcircumstantialevidencespeak.
MorganleFayrippledalongasmusicallyasever.Marvelouswoman.Andwhataglanceshehad:whenitfellinreproofuponthoseservants,theyshrunkandquailedastimidpeopledowhenthelightningflashesoutofacloud.Icouldhavegotthehabitmyself.ItwasthesamewiththatpooroldBrerUriens;hewasalwaysontheraggededgeofapprehension;shecouldnoteventurntowardhimbuthewinced.
InthemidstofthetalkIletdropacomplimentarywordaboutKingArthur,forgettingforthemomenthowthiswomanhatedherbrother.Thatonelittlecomplimentwasenough.Shecloudeduplikestorm;shecalledforherguards,andsaid:
\"Halemethesevarletstothedungeons.\"
Thatstruckcoldonmyears,forherdungeonshadareputation.Nothingoccurredtometosay——ordo.ButnotsowithSandy.Astheguardlaidahanduponme,shepipedupwiththetranquilestconfidence,andsaid:
\"God\'swounds,dostthoucovetdestruction,thoumaniac?ItisTheBoss!\"
Nowwhatahappyideathatwas!——andsosimple;yetitwouldneverhaveoccurredtome.Iwasbornmodest;notallover,butinspots;andthiswasoneofthespots.
Theeffectuponmadamewaselectrical.Itclearedhercountenanceandbroughtbackhersmilesandallherpersuasivegracesandblandishments;
butneverthelessshewasnotabletoentirelycoverupwiththemthefactthatshewasinaghastlyfright.Shesaid:
\"La,butdolisttothinehandmaid!asifonegiftedwithpowersliketominemightsaythethingwhichIhavesaiduntoonewhohasvanquishedMerlin,andnotbejesting.BymineenchantmentsIforesawyourcoming,andbythemIknewyouwhenyouenteredhere.Ididbutplaythislittlejestwithhopetosurpriseyouintosomedisplayofyourart,asnotdoubtingyouwouldblasttheguardswithoccultfires,consumingthemtoashesonthespot,amarvelmuchbeyondmineownability,yetonewhichIhavelongbeenchildishlycurioustosee.\"
Theguardswerelesscurious,andgotoutassoonastheygotpermission.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter17Chapter17-ARoyalBanquetMADAME,seeingmepacificandunresentful,nodoubtjudgedthatIwasdeceivedbyherexcuse;forherfrightdissolvedaway,andshewassoonsoimportunatetohavemegiveanexhibitionandkillsomebody,thatthethinggrewtobeembarrassing.However,tomyreliefshewaspresentlyinterruptedbythecalltoprayers.Iwillsaythismuchforthenobility:that,tyrannical,murderous,rapacious,andmorallyrottenastheywere,theyweredeeplyandenthusiasticallyreligious.NothingcoulddivertthemfromtheregularandfaithfulperformanceofthepietiesenjoinedbytheChurch.MorethanonceIhadseenanoblewhohadgottenhisenemyatadisadvantage,stoptopraybeforecuttinghisthroat;morethanonceIhadseenanoble,afterambushinganddespatchinghisenemy,retiretothenearestwaysideshrineandhumblygivethanks,withoutevenwaitingtorobthebody.TherewastobenothingfinerorsweeterinthelifeofevenBenvenutoCellini,thatrough-hewnsaint,tencenturieslater.AllthenoblesofBritain,withtheirfamilies,attendeddivineservicemorningandnightdaily,intheirprivatechapels,andeventheworstofthemhadfamilyworshipfiveorsixtimesadaybesides.ThecreditofthisbelongedentirelytotheChurch.
AlthoughIwasnofriendtothatCatholicChurch,Iwasobligedtoadmitthis.Andoften,inspiteofme,Ifoundmyselfsaying,\"WhatwouldthiscountrybewithouttheChurch?\"
Afterprayerswehaddinnerinagreatbanquetinghallwhichwaslightedbyhundredsofgrease-jets,andeverythingwasasfineandlavishandrudelysplendidasmightbecometheroyaldegreeofthehosts.Attheheadofthehall,onadais,wasthetableoftheking,queen,andtheirson,PrinceUwaine.Stretchingdownthehallfromthis,wasthegeneraltable,onthefloor.Atthis,abovethesalt,satthevisitingnoblesandthegrownmembersoftheirfamilies,ofbothsexes,——theresidentCourt,ineffect——sixty-onepersons;belowthesaltsatminorofficersofthehousehold,withtheirprincipalsubordinates:altogetherahundredandeighteenpersonssitting,andaboutasmanyliveriedservantsstandingbehindtheirchairs,orservinginonecapacityoranother.Itwasaveryfineshow.Inagalleryabandwithcymbals,horns,harps,andotherhorrors,openedtheproceedingswithwhatseemedtobethecrudefirst-draftororiginalagonyofthewailknowntolatercenturiesas\"IntheSweetByeandBye.\"Itwasnew,andoughttohavebeenrehearsedalittlemore.Forsomereasonorotherthequeenhadthecomposerhanged,afterdinner.
Afterthismusic,thepriestwhostoodbehindtheroyaltablesaidanoblelonggraceinostensibleLatin.Thenthebattalionofwaitersbrokeawayfromtheirposts,anddarted,rushed,flew,fetchedandcarried,andthemightyfeedingbegan;nowordsanywhere,butabsorbingattentiontobusiness.Therowsofchopsopenedandshutinvastunison,andthesoundofitwasliketothemuffledburrofsubterraneanmachinery.
Thehavoccontinuedanhourandahalf,andunimaginablewasthedestructionofsubstantials.Ofthechieffeatureofthefeast——thehugewildboarthatlaystretchedoutsoportlyandimposingatthestart——nothingwasleftbutthesemblanceofahoop-skirt;andhewasbutthetypeandsymbolofwhathadhappenedtoalltheotherdishes.
Withthepastriesandsoon,theheavydrinkingbegan——andthetalk.
Gallonaftergallonofwineandmeaddisappeared,andeverybodygotcomfortable,thenhappy,thensparklinglyjoyous——bothsexes,——andbyandbyprettynoisy.Mentoldanecdotesthatwereterrifictohear,butnobodyblushed;
andwhenthenubwassprung,theassemblageletgowithahorse-laughthatshookthefortress.LadiesansweredbackwithhistoriettesthatwouldalmosthavemadeQueenMargaretofNavarreoreventhegreatElizabethofEnglandhidebehindahandkerchief,butnobodyhidhere,butonlylaughed——howled,youmaysay.Inprettymuchallofthesedreadfulstories,ecclesiasticswerethehardyheroes,butthatdidn\'tworrythechaplainany,hehadhislaughwiththerest;morethanthat,uponinvitationheroaredoutasongwhichwasofasdaringasortasanythatwassungthatnight.
Bymidnighteverybodywasfaggedout,andsorewithlaughing;and,asarule,drunk:someweepingly,someaffectionately,somehilariously,somequarrelsomely,somedeadandunderthetable.Oftheladies,theworstspectaclewasalovelyyoungduchess,whosewedding-evethiswas;andindeedshewasaspectacle,sureenough.JustasshewasshecouldhavesatinadvancefortheportraitoftheyoungdaughteroftheRegentd\'Orleans,atthefamousdinnerwhenceshewascarried,foul-mouthed,intoxicated,andhelpless,toherbed,inthelostandlamenteddaysoftheAncientRegime.
Suddenly,evenwhilethepriestwasliftinghishands,andallconsciousheadswerebowedinreverentexpectationofthecomingblessing,thereappearedunderthearchofthefar-offdooratthebottomofthehallanoldandbentandwhite-hairedlady,leaninguponacrutch-stick;andsheliftedthestickandpointedittowardthequeenandcriedout:
\"ThewrathandcurseofGodfalluponyou,womanwithoutpity,whohaveslainmineinnocentgrandchildandmadedesolatethisoldheartthathadnorchick,norfriendnorstaynorcomfortinallthisworldbuthim!\"
Everybodycrossedhimselfinagrislyfright,foracursewasanawfulthingtothosepeople;butthequeenroseupmajestic,withthedeath-lightinhereye,andflungbackthisruthlesscommand:
\"Layhandsonher!Tothestakewithher!\"
Theguardslefttheirpoststoobey.Itwasashame;itwasacruelthingtosee.Whatcouldbedone?Sandygavemealook;Iknewshehadanotherinspiration.Isaid:
\"Dowhatyouchoose.\"