Thecrashbroughtthefarmer\'swiferushingintotheroom.Christinehadwell-nighsprungoutofhershoes.Mrs.Wake\'senquirywhathadhappenedwasansweredbytheevidenceofherowneyes.
\'Howdiditoccur?\'shesaid.
\'Icannotsay;itwasnotfirmlyfixed,Isuppose.Dearme,howsorryIam!Mydearfather\'shall-clock!AndnowIsupposeitisruined.\'
AssistedbyMrs.Wake,sheliftedtheclock.Everyinchofglasswas,ofcourse,shattered,butverylittleharmbesidesappearedtobedone.Theyproppedituptemporarily,thoughitwouldnotgoagain.
Christinehadsoonrecoveredhercomposure,butshesawthatMrs.
Wakewasgloomy.\'Whatdoesitmean,Mrs.Wake?\'shesaid.\'Isitominous?\'
\'Itisasignofaviolentdeathinthefamily.\'
\'Don\'ttalkofit.Idon\'tbelievesuchthings;anddon\'tmentionittoMr.Longwhenhecomes.HE\'Snotinthefamilyyet,youknow.\'
\'Ono,itcannotrefertohim,\'saidMrs.Wakemusingly.
\'Someremotecousin,perhaps,\'observedChristine,nolesswillingtohumourherthantogetridofashapelessdreadwhichtheincidenthadcausedinherownmind.\'And——supperisalmostready,Mrs.
Wake?\'
\'Inthree-quartersofanhour.\'
Mrs.Wakelefttheroom,andChristinesaton.ThoughitstillwantedfifteenminutestothehouratwhichNicholashadpromisedtobethere,shebegantogrowimpatient.Aftertheaccustomedtickingthedeadsilencewasoppressive.Butshehadnottowaitsolongasshehadexpected;stepswereheardapproachingthedoor,andtherewasaknock.
Christinewasalreadytheretoopenit.Theentrancehadnolamp,butitwasnotparticularlydarkoutofdoors.Shecouldseetheoutlineofaman,andcriedcheerfully,\'Youareearly;itisverygoodofyou.\'
\'Ibegpardon.ItisnotMr.Bellstonhimself——onlyamessengerwithhisbagandgreat-coat.Buthewillbeheresoon.\'
ThevoicewasnotthevoiceofNicholas,andtheintelligencewasstrange.\'I——Idon\'tunderstand.Mr.Bellston?\'shefaintlyreplied.
\'Yes,ma\'am.Agentleman——astrangertome——gavemethesethingsatCasterbridgestationtobringonhere,andtoldmetosaythatMr.
Bellstonhadarrivedthere,andisdetainedforhalf-an-hour,butwillbehereinthecourseoftheevening.\'
Shesankintoachair.Theporterputasmallbatteredportmanteauonthefloor,thecoatonachair,andlookingintotheroomatthespreadtablesaid,\'Ifyouaredisappointed,ma\'am,thatyourhusbandasIs\'poseheisisnotcome,Icanassureyouhe\'llsoonbehere.
He\'sstoppedtogetashave,tomythinking,seeinghewantedit.
WhathesaidwasthatIcouldtellyouhehadheardthenewsinIreland,andwouldhavecomesooner,hishandbeingforced;butwashinderedcrossingbytheweather,havingtookpassageinasailingvessel.Whatnewshemeanthedidn\'tsay.\'
\'Ah,yes,\'shefaltered.Itwasplainthatthemanknewnothingofherintendedre-marriage.
Mechanicallyrisingandgivinghimashilling,sheansweredtohis\'good-night,\'andhewithdrew,thebeatofhisfootstepslesseninginthedistance.Shewasalone;butinwhatasolitude.
Christinestoodinthemiddleofthehall,justasthemanhadlefther,inthegloomysilenceofthestoppedclockwithintheadjoiningroom,tillshearousedherself,andturningtotheportmanteauandgreat-coatbroughtthemtothelightofthecandles,andexaminedthem.Theportmanteauborepainteduponittheinitials\'J.B.\'inwhiteletters——thewell-knowninitialsofherhusband.
Sheexaminedthegreat-coat.Inthebreast-pocketwasanemptyspiritflask,whichshefirmlyfanciedsherecognizedastheoneshehadfilledmanytimesforhimwhenhewaslivingathomewithher.
Sheturneddesultorilyhitherandthither,untilsheheardanothertreadwithout,andtherecameasecondknockingatthedoor.Shedidnotrespondtoit;andNicholas——foritwashe——thinkingthathewasnotheardbyreasonofaconcentrationonto-morrow\'sproceedings,openedthedoorsoftly,andcameontothedoorofherroom,whichstoodunclosed,justasithadbeenleftbytheCasterbridgeporter.
Nicholasutteredablithegreeting,casthiseyeroundtheparlour,whichwithitstallcandles,blazingfire,snow-whitecloth,andprettily-spreadtable,formedacheerfulspectacleenoughforamanwhohadbeenwalkinginthedarkforanhour.
\'Mybride——almost,atlast!\'hecried,encirclingherwithhisarms.
Insteadofresponding,herfigurebecamelimp,frigid,heavy;herheadfellback,andhefoundthatshehadfainted.
Itwasnatural,hethought.Shehadhadmanylittleworryingmatterstoattendto,andbutslightassistance.Heoughttohaveseenmoreeffectuallytoheraffairs;theclosenessoftheeventhadover-
excitedher.Nicholaskissedherunconsciousface——morethanonce,littlethinkingwhatnewsitwasthathadchangeditsaspect.LothtocallMrs.Wake,hecarriedChristinetoacouchandlaidherdown.
Thishadtheeffectofrevivingher.Nicholasbentandwhisperedinherear,\'Liequiet,dearest,nohurry;anddream,dream,dreamofhappydays.ItisonlyI.Youwillsoonbebetter.\'Heheldherbythehand.
\'No,no,no!\'shesaid,withastare.\'O,howcanthisbe?\'
Nicholaswasalarmedandperplexed,butthedisclosurewasnotlongdelayed.Whenshehadsatup,andbydegreesmadethestunningeventknowntohim,hestoodasiftransfixed.
\'Ah——isitso?\'saidhe.Then,becomingquitemeek,\'Andwhywashesocruelasto——delayhisreturntillnow?\'
Shedutifullyrecitedtheexplanationherhusbandhadgivenherthroughthemessenger;buthermechanicalmanneroftellingitshowedhowmuchshedoubteditstruth.Itwastoounlikelythathisarrivalatsuchadramaticmomentshouldnotbeacontrivedsurprise,quiteofapiecewithhispreviousdealingstowardsher.
\'Butperhapsitmaybetrue——andhemayhavebecomekindnow——notasheusedtobe,\'shefaltered.\'Yes,perhaps,Nicholas,heisanalteredman——we\'llhopeheis.IsupposeIoughtnottohavelistenedtomylegaladvisers,andassumedhisdeathsosurely!
Anyhow,Iamroughlyreceivedbackinto——therightway!\'
Nicholasburstoutbitterly:\'Owhattoo,toohonestfoolswewere!——
tosocourtdaylightuponourintentionbyputtingthatannouncementinthepapers!Whycouldwenothavemarriedprivately,andgoneaway,sothathewouldneverhaveknownwhathadbecomeofyou,evenifhehadreturned?Christine,hehasdoneittoButI\'llsaynomore.Ofcoursewe——mightflynow.\'
\'No,no;wemightnot,\'saidshehastily.
\'Verywell.Butthisishardtobear!\"WhenIlookedforgoodthenevilcameuntome,andwhenIwaitedforlighttherecamedarkness.\"
SooncesaidasorelytriedmaninthelandofUz,andsosayInow!
Iwonderifheisalmosthereatthismoment?\'
ShetoldhimshesupposedBellstonwasapproachingbythepathacrossthefields,havingsentonhisgreat-coat,whichhewouldnotwantwalking.
\'Andisthismeallaidforhim,orforme?\'
\'Itwaslaidforyou.\'
\'Anditwillbeeatenbyhim?\'
\'Yes.\'
\'Christine,areyouSUREthatheiscome,orhaveyoubeensleepingoverthefireanddreamingit?\'
Shepointedanewtotheportmanteauwiththeinitials\'J.B.,\'andtothecoatbesideit.
\'Well,good-bye——good-bye!Cursethatparsonfornotmarryingusfifteenyearsago!\'
Itisunnecessarytodwellfurtheruponthatparting.Therearesceneswhereinthewordsspokendonotevenapproximatetothelevelofthementalcommunionbetweentheactors.Sufficeittosaythatparttheydid,andquickly;andNicholas,moredeadthanalive,wentoutofthehousehomewards.
Whyhadheevercomeback?DuringhisabsencehehadnotcaredforChristineashecarednow.Ifhehadbeenyoungerhemighthavefelttemptedtodescendintothemeadsinsteadofkeepingalongtheiredge.TheFroomwasdownthere,andheknewofquietpoolsinthatstreamtowhichdeathwouldcomeeasily.Buthewastoooldtoputanendtohimselfforsuchareasonaslove;andanotherthought,too,kepthimfromseriouslycontemplatinganydesperateact.Hisaffectionforherwasstronglyprotective,andintheeventofherrequiringafriend\'ssupportinfuturetroublestherewasnonebuthimselfleftintheworldtoaffordit.Sohewalkedon.
MeanwhileChristinehadresignedherselftocircumstances.Aresolvetocontinueworthyofherhistoryandofherfamilylentherheroismanddignity.ShecalledMrs.Wake,andexplainedtothatworthywomanasmuchofwhathadoccurredasshedeemednecessary.Mrs.
Wakewastooamazedtoreply;sheretreatedslowly,herlipsparted;
tillatthedoorshesaidwithadrymouth,\'Andthebeautifulsupper,ma\'am?\'
\'Serveitwhenhecomes.\'
\'WhenMr.Bellston——yes,ma\'am,Iwill.\'Shestillstoodgazing,asifshecouldhardlytakeintheorder.
\'Thatwilldo,Mrs.Wake.Iammuchobligedtoyouforallyourkindness.\'AndChristinewasleftaloneagain,andthenshewept.
Shesatdownandwaited.Thatawfulsilenceofthestoppedclockbegananew,butshedidnotminditnow.Shewaslisteningforafootfallinastateofmentaltensitywhichalmosttookawayfromherthepowerofmotion.Itseemedtoherthatthenaturalintervalforherhusband\'sjourneythithermusthaveexpired;butshewasnotsure,andwaitedon.
Mrs.Wakeagaincamein.\'Youhavenotrungforsupper——\'
\'Heisnotyetcome,Mrs.Wake.Ifyouwanttogotobed,bringinthesupperandsetitonthetable.Itwillbenearlyasgoodcold.
Leavethedoorunbarred.\'
Mrs.Wakedidaswassuggested,madeupthefire,andwentaway.
ShortlyafterwardsChristineheardherretiretoherchamber.ButChristinestillsaton,andstillherhusbandpostponedhisentry.
Shearousedherselfonceortwicetofreshenthefire,butwasignoranthowthenightwasgoing.Herwatchwasupstairsandshedidnotmaketheefforttogouptoconsultit.Inherseatshecontinued;andstillthesupperwaited,andstillhedidnotcome.
Atlengthshewassonearlypersuadedthatthearrivalofhisthingsmusthavebeenadreamafterall,thatsheagainwentovertothem,feltthem,andexaminedthem.Histheyunquestionablywere;andtheirforwardingbytheporterhadbeenquitenatural.Shesighedandsatdownagain.
Presentlyshefellintoadoze,andwhensheagainbecameconsciousshefoundthatthefourcandleshadburntintotheirsocketsandgoneout.Thefirestillemittedafeebleshine.Christinedidnottakethetroubletogetmorecandles,butstirredthefireandsaton.
Afteralongperiodsheheardacreakingofthechamberfloorandstairsattheotherendofthehouse,andknewthatthefarmer\'sfamilyweregettingup.By-and-byMrs.Wakeenteredtheroom,candleinhand,bouncingopenthedoorinhermorningmanner,obviouslywithoutanyexpectationoffindingapersonthere.
\'Lord-a-mercy!What,sittinghereagain,ma\'am?\'
\'Yes,Iamsittingherestill.\'
\'You\'vebeenthereeversincelastnight?\'
\'Yes.\'
\'Then——\'
\'He\'snotcome.\'
\'Well,hewon\'tcomeatthistimeo\'morning,\'saidthefarmer\'swife.\'Do\'eegetontobed,ma\'am.Youmustbeshrammedtodeath!\'
ItoccurredtoChristinenowthatpossiblyherhusbandhadthoughtbetterofobtrudinghimselfuponhercompanywithinanhourofrevealinghisexistencetoher,andhaddecidedtopayamoreformalvisitnextday.ShethereforeadoptedMrs.Wake\'ssuggestionandretired.
CHAPTERVIII
Nicholashadgonestraighthome,neitherspeakingtonorseeingasoul.Fromthathourachangeseemedtocomeoverhim.Hehadeverpossessedafullshareofself-consciousness;hehadbeenreadilypiqued,hadshownanunusualdreadofbeingpersonallyobtrusive.
Butnowhissenseofself,asanindividualprovokingopinion,appearedtoleavehim.When,therefore,afteradayortwoofseclusion,hecameforthagain,andthefewacquaintanceshehadformedinthetowncondoledwithhimonwhathadhappened,andpitiedhishaggardlooks,hedidnotshrinkfromtheirregardashewouldhavedoneformerly,buttooktheirsympathyasitwouldhavebeenacceptedbyachild.
ItreachedhisearsthatBellstonhadnotappearedontheeveningofhisarrivalatanyhotelinthetownorneighbourhood,orenteredhiswife\'shouseatall.\'That\'sapartofhiscruelty,\'thoughtNicholas.Andwhentwoorthreedayshadpassed,andstillnoaccountcametohimofBellstonhavingjoinedher,heventuredtosetoutforFroom-Everard.
Christinewassoshakenthatshewasobligedtoreceivehimasshelayonasofa,besidethesquaretablewhichwastohavebornetheireveningfeast.Shefixedhereyeswistfullyuponhim,andsmiledasadsmile.
\'Hehasnotcome?\'saidNicholasunderhisbreath.
\'Hehasnot.\'
ThenNicholassatbesideher,andtheytalkedongeneraltopicsmerelylikesaddenedoldfriends.ButtheycouldnotkeepawaythesubjectofBellston,theirvoicesdroppingasitforceditswayin.
Christine,nolessthanNicholas,knowingherhusband\'scharacter,inferredthat,havingstoppedhergame,ashewouldhavephrasedit,hewastakingthingsleisurely,and,findingnothingveryattractiveinherlimitedmodeofliving,wasmeaningtoreturntoheronlywhenhehadnothingbettertodo.
Theboltwhichlaidlowtheirhopeshadstrucksorecentlythattheycouldhardlylookeachotherinthefacewhenspeakingthatday.Butwhenaweekortwohadpassed,andallthehorizonstillremainedasvacantofBellstonasbefore,Nicholasandshecouldtalkoftheeventwithcalmwonderment.Whyhadhecome,togoagainlikethis?
Andthentheresetinaperiodofresignedsurmise,duringwhichSolike,soverylike,wasdaytoday,thattotellofoneofthemistotellofall.Nicholaswouldarrivebetweenthreeandfourintheafternoon,afainttrepidationinfluencinghiswalkashenearedherdoor.Hewouldknock;shewouldalwaysreplyinperson,havingwatchedforhimfromthewindow.
Thenhewouldwhisper——\'Hehasnotcome?\'
\'Hehasnot,\'shewouldsay.
Nicholaswouldenterthen,andshebeingreadybonneted,theywouldwalkintotheSallowstogetherasfarastothespotwhichtheyhadfrequentlymadetheirplaceofappointmentintheiryouthfuldays.A
plankbridge,whichBellstonhadcausedtobethrownoverthestreamduringhisresidencewithherinthemanor-house,wasnowagainremoved,andallwasjustthesameasinNicholas\'stime,whenhehadbeenaccustomedtowadeacrossontheedgeofthecascadeandcomeuptoherlikeamermanfromthedeep.Hereonthefelledtrunk,whichstilllayrottinginitsoldplace,theywouldnowsit,gazingatthedescendingsheetofwater,withitsnever-endingsarcastichissattheirbaffledattemptstomakethemselvesoneflesh.Returningtothehousetheywouldsitdowntogethertotea,afterwhich,andtheconfidentialchatthataccompaniedit,hewalkedhomebythedeclininglight.Thisproceedingbecameasperiodicasanastronomicalrecurrence.Twiceaweekhecame——allthroughthatwinter,allthroughthespringfollowing,throughthesummer,throughtheautumn,thenextwinter,thenextyear,andthenext,tillanappreciablespanofhumanlifehadpassedby.Bellstonstilltarried.
YearsandyearsNicwalkedthatway,atthisintervalofthreedays,fromhishouseintheneighbouringtown;andineveryinstancetheaforesaidorderofthingswascustomary;andstillonhisarrivaltheformofwordswenton——\'Hehasnotcome?\'
\'Hehasnot.\'
Sotheygrewolder.Thedimshapeofthatthirdonestoodcontinuallybetweenthem;theycouldnotdisplaceit;neither,ontheotherhand,coulditeffectuallypartthem.Theywereinclosecommunion,yetnotindissolublyunited;lovers,yetnevergrowingcuredoflove.BythetimethatthefifthyearofNic\'svisitinghadarrived,onaboutthefive-hundredthoccasionofhispresenceathertea-table,henoticedthatthebleachingprocesswhichhadbegunuponhisownlockswasalsospreadingtohers.Hetoldherso,andtheylaughed.Yetshewasingoodhealth:aconditionofsuspense,whichwouldhavehalf-killedaman,hadbeenenduredbyherwithoutcomplaint,andevenwithcomposure.
Oneday,whentheseyearsofabeyancehadnumberedseven,theyhadstrolledasusualasfarasthewaterfall,whosefaintroarformedasortofcallingvoicesufficientinthecircumstancestodirecttheirlistlessness.Pausingthere,helookedupatherfaceandsaid,\'Whyshouldwenottryagain,Christine?Wearelegallyatlibertytodosonow.Nothingventurenothinghave.\'
Butshewouldnot.PerhapsalittleprimnessofideawasbythistimeoustingthenativedaringofChristine.\'Whathehasdoneoncehecandotwice,\'shesaid.\'Heisnotdead,andifweweretomarryhewouldsaywehad\"forcedhishand,\"ashesaidbefore,anddulyreappear.\'
Someyearsafter,whenChristinewasaboutfifty,andNicholasfifty-
three,anewtroubleofaminorkindarrived.Hefoundaninconvenienceintraversingthedistancebetweentheirtwohouses,particularlyindampweather,theyearshehadspentintryingclimatesabroadhavingsowntheseedsofrheumatism,whichmadeajourneyundesirableoninclementdays,eveninacarriage.Hetoldherofthisnewdifficulty,ashedidofeverything.
\'Ifyoucouldlivenearer,\'suggestedshe.
Unluckilytherewasnohousenear.ButNicholas,thoughnotamillionaire,wasamanofmeans;heobtainedasmallpieceofgroundonleaseatthenearestspottoherhomethatitcouldbesoobtained,whichwasontheoppositebrinkoftheFroom,thisriverformingtheboundaryoftheFroom-Everardmanor;andherehebuiltacottagelargeenoughforhiswants.Thistooktime,andwhenhegotintoithefounditssituationagreatcomforttohim.Hewasnotmorethanfivehundredyardsfromhernow,andgainedanewpleasureinfeelingthatallsoundswhichgreetedhisears,inthedayorinthenight,alsofelluponhers——thecawofaparticularrook,thevoiceofaneighbouringnightingale,thewhistleofalocalbreeze,orthepurlofthefallinthemeadows,whoserushwasamaterialrenderingofTime\'sceaselessscouroverthemselves,wearingthemawaywithoutunitingthem.
Christine\'smissinghusbandwastakingshapeasamythamongthesurroundingresidents;buthewasstillbelievedinascorporeallyimminentbyChristineherself,andalso,inamilderdegree,byNicholas.Foracuriousunconsciousnessofthelonglapseoftimesincehisrevelationofhimselfseemedtoaffectthepair.Therehadbeennopassingeventstoserveaschronologicalmilestones,andtheeveningonwhichshehadkeptsupperwaitingforhimstillloomedoutwithstartlingnearnessintheirretrospects.
Intheseventeenthpensiveyearofthistheirparallelmarchtowardsthecommonbourne,alabourercameinahurryonedaytoNicholas\'shouseandbroughtstrangetidings.ThepresentownerofFroom-
Everard——anon-resident——hadbeenimprovinghispropertyinsundryways,andoneofthesewasbydredgingthestreamwhich,inthecourseofyears,hadbecomechokedwithmudandweedsinitspassagethroughtheSallows.Theprocessnecessitatedareconstructionofthewaterfall.Whentheriverhadbeenpumpeddryforthispurpose,theskeletonofamanhadbeenfoundjammedamongthepilessupportingtheedgeofthefall.Everyparticleofhisfleshandclothinghadbeeneatenbyfishesorabradedtonothingbythewater,buttherelicsofagoldwatchremained,andontheinsideofthecasewasengravedthenameofthemakerofherhusband\'swatch,whichshewellremembered.
Nicholas,deeplyagitated,hasteneddowntotheplaceandexaminedtheremainsattentively,afterwardsgoingacrosstoChristine,andbreakingthediscoverytoher.Shewouldnotcometoviewtheskeleton,whichlayextendedonthegrass,notafingerortoe-bonemissing,soneatlyhadtheaquaticoperatorsdonetheirwork.
ConjecturewasdirectedtothequestionhowBellstonhadgotthere;
andconjecturealonecouldgiveanexplanation.
Itwassupposedthat,onhiswaytocalluponher,hehadtakenashortcutthroughthegrounds,withwhichhewasnaturallyveryfamiliar,andcomingtothefallunderthetreeshadexpectedtofindtheretheplankwhich,duringhisoccupancyofthepremiseswithChristineandherfather,hehadplacedthereforcrossingintothemeadsontheothersideinsteadofwadingacrossasNicholashaddone.Beforediscoveringitsremovalhehadprobablyoverbalancedhimself,andwasthusprecipitatedintothecascade,thepilesbeneaththedescendingcurrentwedginghimbetweenthemliketheprongsofapitchfork,andeffectuallypreventingtherisingofhisbody,overwhichtheweedsgrew.Suchwasthereasonablesuppositionconcerningthediscovery;butproofwasneverforthcoming.
\'Tothink,\'saidNicholas,whentheremainshadbeendecentlyinterred,andhewasagainsittingwithChristine——thoughnotbesidethewaterfall——\'tothinkhowwevisitedhim!Howwesatoverhim,hoursandhours,gazingathim,bewailingourfate,whenallthetimehewasironicallyhissingatusfromthespot,inanunknowntongue,thatwecouldmarryifwechose!\'
Sheechoedthesentimentwithasigh.
\'Ihavestrangefancies,\'shesaid.\'IsupposeitMUSThavebeenmyhusbandwhocameback,andnotsomeotherman.\'
Nicholasfeltthattherewaslittledoubt.\'Besides——theskeleton,\'
hesaid.
\'YesIfitcouldnothavebeenanotherperson\'s——butno,ofcourseitwashe.\'
\'Youmighthavemarriedmeonthedaywehadfixed,andtherewouldhavebeennoimpediment.Youwouldnowhavebeenseventeenyearsmywife,andwemighthavehadtallsonsanddaughters.\'
\'Itmighthavebeenso,\'shemurmured.
\'Well——isitstillbetterlatethannever?\'
Thequestionwasonewhichhadbecomecomplicatedbytheincreasingyearsofeach.Theirwillsweresomewhatenfeeblednow,theirheartssickenedoftenderenterprisebyhopetoolongdeferred.HavingpostponedtheconsiderationoftheircoursetillayearaftertheintermentofBellston,eachseemedlessdisposedthanformerlytotakeitupagain.
\'Isitworthwhile,aftersomanyyears?\'shesaidtohim.\'Wearefairlyhappyasweare——perhapshappierthanweshouldbeinanyotherrelation,seeingwhatoldpeoplewehavegrown.Theweightisgonefromourlives;theshadownolongerdividesus:thenletusbejoyfultogetherasweare,dearestNic,inthedaysofourvanity;
andWithmirthandlaughterletoldwrinklescome.\'
Hefellinwiththeseviewsofherstosomeextent.Butoccasionallyheventuredtourgehertoreconsiderthecase,thoughhespokenotwiththefervourofhisearlieryears.
Autumn,1887.
ALICIA\'SDIARY
CHAPTERI——SHEMISSESHERSISTER
July7——Iwanderaboutthehouseinamoodofunutterablesadness,formydearsisterCarolinehaslefthometo-daywithmymother,andIshallnotseethemagainforseveralweeks.Theyhaveacceptedalong-standinginvitationtovisitsomeoldfriendsofours,theMarlets,wholiveatVersaillesforcheapness——mymotherthinkingthatitwillbeforthegoodofCarolinetoseealittleofFranceandParis.ButIdon\'tquitelikehergoing.Ifearshemaylosesomeofthatchildlikesimplicityandgentlenesswhichsocharacterizeher,andhavebeennourishedbytheseclusionofourlifehere.Hersolicitudeaboutherponybeforestartingwasquitetouching,andshemademepromisetovisititdaily,andseethatitcametonoharm.
Carolinegoneabroad,andIlefthere!Itisthereverseofanordinarysituation,forgoodorill-luckhasmostlyordainedthatI
shouldbetheabsentone.MotherwillbequitetiredoutbytheyoungenthusiasmofCaroline.Shewilldemandtobetakeneverywhere——toPariscontinually,ofcourse;toallthestockshrinesofhistory\'sdevotees;topalacesandprisons;tokings\'tombsandqueens\'tombs;tocemeteriesandpicture-galleries,androyalhuntingforests.Mypoormother,havinggoneovermostofthisgroundmanytimesbefore,willperhapsnotfindtheperambulationsoexhilaratingaswillCarolineherself.IwishIcouldhavegonewiththem.I
wouldnothavemindedhavingmylegswalkedofftopleaseCaroline.
Butthisregretisabsurd:Icouldnot,ofcourse,leavemyfatherwithnotasoulinthehousetoattendtothecallsoftheparishionersortopourouthistea.
July15——AletterfromCarolineto-day.ItisverystrangethatshetellsmenothingwhichIexpectedhertotell——onlytrivialdetails.
SheseemsdazzledbythebrilliancyofParis——whichnodoubtappearsstillmorebrillianttoherfromthefactofheronlybeingabletoobtainoccasionalglimpsesofit.ShewouldseethatParis,too,hasaseamysideifyoulivethere.IwasnotawarethattheMarletsknewsomanypeople.If,asmotherhassaid,theywenttoresideatVersaillesforreasonsofeconomy,theywillnoteffectmuchinthatdirectionwhiletheymakeapracticeofentertainingalltheacquaintanceswhohappentobeintheirneighbourhood.TheydonotconfinetheirhospitalitiestoEnglishpeople,either.IwonderwhothisM.delaFesteis,inwhomCarolinesaysmymotherissomuchinterested.
July18——AnotherletterfromCaroline.Ihavelearntfromthisepistle,thatM.CharlesdelaFesteis\'onlyoneofthemanyfriendsoftheMarlets\';thatthoughaFrenchmanbybirth,andnowagaintemporarilyatVersailles,hehaslivedinEnglandmanymanyyears;
thatheisatalentedlandscapeandmarinepainter,andhasexhibitedattheSalon,andIthinkinLondon.HisstyleandsubjectsareconsideredsomewhatpeculiarinParis——ratherEnglishthanContinental.Ihavenotasyetlearnthisage,orhiscondition,marriedorsingle.Fromthetoneandnatureofherremarksabouthimhesometimesseemstobeamiddle-agedfamilyman,sometimesquitethereverse.FromhisnomadichabitsIshouldsaythelatteristhemostlikely.Hehastravelledandseenagreatdeal,shetellsme,andknowsmoreaboutEnglishliteraturethansheknowsherself.
July21——LetterfromCaroline.Query:Is\'afriendofoursandtheMarlets,\'ofwhomshenowanonymouslyandmysteriouslyspeaks,thesamepersonageasthe\'M.delaFeste\'ofherformerletters?Hemustbethesame,Ithink,fromhispursuits.Ifso,whencethissuddenchangeoftone?Ihavebeenlostinthoughtforatleastaquarterofanhoursincewritingtheprecedingsentence.Supposemydearsisterisfallinginlovewiththisyoungman——thereisnolongeranydoubtabouthisage;whataveryawkward,riskythingforher!Idohopethatmymotherhasaneyeontheseproceedings.But,then,poormotherneverseesthedriftofanything:sheisintruthlessofamothertoCarolinethanIam.IfIwerethere,howjealouslyIwouldwatchhim,andascertainhisdesigns!
IamofastrongernaturethanCaroline.HowIhavesupportedherinthepastthroughherlittletroublesandgreatgriefs!Issheagitatedatthepresenceofthis,toher,newandstrangefeeling?
ButIamassuminghertobedesperatelyinlove,whenIhavenoproofofanythingofthekind.Hemaybemerelyacasualfriend,ofwhomI
shallhearnomore.
July24——ThenheISabachelor,asIsuspected.\'IfM.delaFesteevermarrieshewill,\'etc.Soshewrites.Theyaregettingintoclosequarters,obviously.Also,\'Somethingtokeepmyhairsmooth,whichM.delaFestetoldmehehadfoundusefulforthetipsofhismoustache.\'Verynaivelyrelatedthis;andwithhowmuchunconsciousnessoftheintimacybetweenthemthattheremarkreveals!
Butmymother——whatcanshebedoing?Doessheknowofthis?Andifso,whydoesshenotalludetoitinherletterstomyfather?
IhavebeentolookatCaroline\'spony,inobediencetoherreiteratedrequestthatIwouldnotmissadayinseeingthatshewaswellcaredfor.AnxiousasCarolinewasaboutthisponyofhersbeforestarting,shenownevermentionedthepooranimalonceinherletters.Theimageofherpetsuffersfromdisplacement.
August3——Caroline\'sforgetfulnessofherponyhasnaturallyenoughextendedtome,hersister.Itistendayssinceshelastwrote,andbutforanotefrommymotherIshouldnotknowifsheweredeadoralive.
CHAPTERII——NEWSINTERESTINGANDSERIOUS
August5——Acloudofletters.AletterfromCaroline,anotherfrommother;alsoonefromeachtomyfather.
Theprobabilitytowhichalltheintelligencefrommysisterhaspointedoflateturnsouttobeafact.Thereisanengagement,oralmostanengagement,announcedbetweenmydearCarolineandM.delaFeste——toCaroline\'ssublimehappiness,andmymother\'sentiresatisfaction;aswellastothatoftheMarlets.Theyandmymotherseemtoknowallabouttheyoungman——whichismorethanIdo,thoughalittleextendedinformationabouthim,consideringthatIamCaroline\'seldersister,wouldnothavebeenamiss.Ihalffeelwithmyfather,whoismuchsurprised,and,Iamsure,notaltogethersatisfied,thatheshouldnothavebeenconsultedatallbeforemattersreachedsuchadefinitestage,thoughheistooamiabletosaysoopenly.Idon\'tquitesaythatagoodthingshouldhavebeenhinderedforthesakeofouropinion,ifitisagoodthing;buttheannouncementcomesverysuddenly.Itmusthavebeenforeseenbymymotherforsometimethatthisupshotwasprobable,andCarolinemighthavetoldmemoredistinctlythatM.delaFestewasherlover,insteadofalludingsomysteriouslytohimasonlyafriendoftheMarlets,andlatelydroppinghisnamealtogether.Myfather,withoutexactlyobjectingtohimasaFrenchman,\'wisheshewereofEnglishorsomeotherreasonablenationalityforone\'sson-in-law,\'butI
tellhimthatthedemarcationsofraces,kingdoms,andcreeds,arewearingdowneveryday,thatpatriotismisasortofvice,andthatthecharacteroftheindividualisallweneedthinkaboutinthiscase.Iwonderif,intheeventoftheirmarriage,hewillcontinuetoliveatVersailles,orifhewillcometoEngland.
August7——AsupplementalletterfromCaroline,answering,byanticipation,someoftheaforesaidqueries.Shetellsmethat\'Charles,\'thoughhemakesVersailleshispresenthome,isbynomeansboundbyhisprofessiontocontinuethere;thathewilllivejustwhereshewishes,provideditbenottoofarfromsomecentreofthought,art,andcivilization.Mymotherandherselfboththinkthatthemarriageshouldnottakeplacetillnextyear.Heexhibitslandscapesandcanalsceneryeveryyear,shesays;soIsupposeheispopular,andthathisincomeissufficienttokeepthemincomfort.
Ifnot,Idonotseewhymyfathercouldnotsettlesomethingmoreonthemthanhehadintended,anddiminishbyalittlewhathehadproposedforme,whilstitwasimaginedthatIshouldbethefirsttostandinneedofsuch.
\'Ofengagingmanner,attractiveappearance,andvirtuouscharacter,\'
isthereplyIreceivefromherinanswertomyrequestforapersonaldescription.Thatisvagueenough,andIwouldratherhavehadonedefinitefactofcomplexion,voice,deed,oropinion.Butofcourseshehasnoeyenowformaterialqualities;shecannotseehimasheis.Sheseeshimirradiatedwithgloriessuchasneverappertainedandneverwillappertaintoanyman,foreign,English,orColonial.TothinkthatCaroline,twoyearsmyjunior,andsochildlikeastobefiveyearsmyjuniorinnature,shouldbeengagedtobemarriedbeforeme.Butthatiswhathappensinfamiliesmoreoftenthanweareapttoremember.
August16——Interestingnewsto-day.Charles,shesays,haspleadedthattheirmarriagemayjustaswellbethisyearasnext;andheseemstohavenearlyconvertedmymothertothesamewayofthinking.
Idonotmyselfseeanyreasonfordelay,beyondthestandingoneofmyfatherhavingasyethadnoopportunityofforminganopinionupontheman,thetime,oranything.However,hetakeshislotveryquietly,andtheyarecominghometotalkthequestionoverwithus;
Carolinehavingdecidednottomakeanypositivearrangementsforthischangeofstatetillshehasseenme.Subjecttomyownandmyfather\'sapproval,shesays,theyareinclinedtosettlethedateoftheweddingforNovember,threemonthsfromthepresenttime,thatitshalltakeplacehereinthevillage,thatI,ofcourse,shallbebridesmaid,andmanyotherparticulars.Shedrawsanartlesspictureoftheprobableeffectuponthemindsofthevillagersofthisromanticperformanceinthechancelofouroldchurch,inwhichsheistobechiefactor——theforeigngentlemandroppingdownlikeagodfromtheskies,pickingherup,andtriumphantlycarryingheroff.
Heronlygriefwillbeseparationfromme,butthisistobeassuagedbymygoingandstayingwithherforlongmonthsatatime.Thissimpleprattleisverysweettome,mydearsister,butIcannothelpfeelingsadattheoccasionofit.InthenatureofthingsitisobviousthatIshallneverbetoyouagainwhatIhithertohavebeen:
yourguide,counsellor,andmostfamiliarfriend.
M.delaFestedoescertainlyseemtobeallthatonecoulddesireasprotectortoasensitivefragilechildlikeCaroline,andforthatI
amthankful.Still,ImustrememberthatIseehimasyetonlythroughhereyes.ForhersakeIamintenselyanxioustomeethim,andscrutinisehimthroughandthrough,andlearnwhatthemanisreallymadeofwhoistohavesuchatreasureinhiskeeping.Theengagementhascertainlybeenformedalittleprecipitately;Iquiteagreewithmyfatherinthat:still,goodandhappymarriageshavebeenmadeinahurrybeforenow,andmotherseemswellsatisfied.
August20——Aterribleannouncementcamethismorning;andweareindeeptrouble.Ihavebeenquiteunabletosteadymythoughtsonanythingto-daytillnow——half-pastelevenatnight——andIonlyattemptwritingthesenotesbecauseIamtoorestlesstoremainidle,andthereisnothingbutwaitingandwaitingleftformetodo.
MotherhasbeentakendangerouslyillatVersailles:theywerewithinadayortwoofstarting;butallthoughtofleavingmustnowbepostponed,forshecannotpossiblybemovedinherpresentstate.
Idon\'tlikethesoundofhaemorrhageatallinawomanofherfullhabit,andCarolineandtheMarletshavenotexaggeratedtheiraccountsIamcertain.Onthereceiptofthelettermyfatherinstantlydecidedtogotoher,andIhavebeenoccupiedalldayingettinghimoff,forashecalculatesonbeingabsentseveraldays,therehavebeenmanymattersforhimtoarrangebeforesettingout——
thechiefbeingtofindsomeonewhowilldodutyforhimnextSunday——aquestofnosmalldifficultyatsuchshortnotice;butatlastpooroldfeebleMr.Dugdalehasagreedtoattemptit,withMr.
Highman,theScripturereader,toassisthiminthelessons.
Ifainwouldhavegonewithmyfathertoescapetheirksomeanxietyofawaitingher;butsomebodyhadtostay,andIcouldbestbespared.Georgehasdrivenhimtothestationtomeetthelasttrainbywhichhewillcatchthemidnightboat,andreachHavresometimeinthemorning.Hehatesthesea,andanightpassageinparticular.
Ihopehewillgettherewithoutmishapofanykind;butIfeelanxiousforhim,stay-at-homeasheis,andunabletocopewithanydifficulty.Suchanerrand,too;thejourneywillbesadenoughatbest.IalmostthinkIoughttohavebeentheonetogotoher.
August21——Inearlyfellasleepofheavinessofspiritlastnightovermywriting.MyfathermusthavereachedParisbythistime;andnowherecomesaletter
Later——Theletterwastoexpressanearnesthopethatmyfatherhadsetout.Mypoormotherissinking,theyfear.WhatwillbecomeofCaroline?O,howIwishIcouldseemother;whycouldnotbothhavegone?
Later——Igetupfrommychair,andwalkfromwindowtowindow,andthencomeandwritealine.IcannotevendivinehowpoorCaroline\'smarriageistobecarriedoutifmotherdies.IpraythatfathermayhavegotthereintimetotalktoherandreceivesomedirectionsfromheraboutCarolineandM.delaFeste——amanwhomneithermyfathernorIhaveseen.I,whomightbeusefulinthisemergency,amdoomedtostayhere,waitinginsuspense.
August23——Aletterfrommyfathercontainingthesadnewsthatmymother\'sspirithasflown.PoorlittleCarolineisheart-broken——shewasalwaysmoremymother\'spetthanIwas.ItissomecomforttoknowthatmyfatherarrivedintimetohearfromherownlipsherstronglyexpressedwishthatCaroline\'smarriageshouldbesolemnizedassoonaspossible.M.delaFesteseemstohavebeenagreatfavouriteofmydearmother\'s;andIsupposeitnowbecomesalmostasacreddutyofmyfathertoaccepthimasason-in-lawwithoutcriticism.
CHAPTERIII——HERGLOOMLIGHTENSALITTLE
September10——Ihaveinsertednothinginmydiaryformorethanafortnight.Eventshavebeenaltogethertoosadformetohavethespirittoputthemonpaper.Andyettherecomesatimewhentheactofrecordingone\'stroubleisrecognizedasawelcomemethodofdwellinguponit
Mydearmotherhasbeenbroughthomeandburiedhereintheparish.
Itwasnotsomuchherownwishthatthisshouldbedoneasmyfather\'s,whoparticularlydesiredthatsheshouldlieinthefamilyvaultbesidehisfirstwife.Isawthemsidebysidebeforethevaultwasclosed——twowomenbelovedbyoneman.AsIstood,andCarolinebymyside,Ifellintoasortofdream,andhadanoddfancythatCarolineandImightbealsobelovedofone,andlielikethesetogether——animpossibility,ofcourse,beingsisters.WhenI
awokefrommyreverieCarolinetookmyhandandsaiditwastimetoleave.
September14——Theweddingisindefinitelypostponed.Carolineislikeagirlawakeninginthemiddleofasomnambulisticexperience,anddoesnotrealizewheresheis,orhowshestands.Shewalksaboutsilently,andIcannottellherthoughts,asIusedtodo.ItwasherowndoingtowritetoM.delaFesteandtellhimthattheweddingcouldnotpossiblytakeplacethisautumnasoriginallyplanned.Thereissomethingdepressinginthislongpostponementifsheistomarryhimatall;andyetIdonotseehowitcouldbeavoided.
October20——IhavehadsomuchtooccupymeinconsolingCarolinethatIhavebeencontinuallyoverlookingmydiary.Herlifewasmuchnearertomymother\'sthanminewas.Shehasnever,asI,livedawayfromhomelongenoughtobecomeself-dependent,andhenceinherfirstloss,andallthatitinvolved,shedroopedlikearain-beatenlily.Butsheisofanaturewhosewoundssoonheal,eventhoughtheymaybedeep,andthesupremepoignancyofhersorrowhasalreadypassed.
Myfatherisofopinionthattheweddingshouldnotbedelayedtoolong.WhileatVersailleshemadetheacquaintanceofM.delaFeste,andthoughtheyhadbutashortandhurriedcommunionwitheachother,hewasmuchimpressedbyM.delaFeste\'sdispositionandconduct,andisstronglyinfavourofhissuit.ItisoddthatCaroline\'sbetrothedshouldinfluenceinhisfavourallwhocomenearhim.Hisportrait,whichdearCarolinehasshownme,exhibitshimtobeofaphysiquethatpartlyaccountsforthis:buttheremustbesomethingmorethanmereappearance,anditisprobablysomesortofglamourorfascinatingpower——thequalitywhichpreventedCarolinefromdescribinghimtomewithanyaccuracyofdetail.Atthesametime,Iseefromthephotographthathisfaceandheadareremarkablywellformed;andthoughthecontoursofhismoutharehiddenbyhismoustache,hisarchedbrowsshowwelltheromanticdispositionofatrueloverandpainterofNature.Ithinkthattheownerofsuchafaceasthismustbetenderandsympatheticandtrue.
October30——Asmysister\'sgriefforhermotherbecomesmoreandmorecalmed,herloveforM.delaFestebeginstoreassumeitsformerabsorbingcommandofher.Shethinksofhimincessantly,andwriteswholetreatisestohimbywayofletters.Herblankdisappointmentathisannouncementofhisinabilitytopayusavisitquitesosoonashehadpromised,wasquitetragic.I,too,amdisappointed,forIwantedtoseeandestimatehim.ButhavingarrangedtogotoHollandtoseizesomeaerialeffectsforhispictures,whichareonlytobeobtainedatthistimeoftheautumn,heisobligedtopostponehisjourneythisway,whichisnowtobemadeearlyinthenewyear.Ithinkmyselfthatheoughttohavecomeatallsacrifices,consideringCaroline\'srecentloss,thesadpostponementofwhatshewaslookingforwardto,andhersingle-
mindedaffectionforhim.Still,whoknows;hisprofessionalsuccessisimportant.Moreover,sheischeerful,andhopeful,andthedelaywillsoonbeoverpast.
CHAPTERIV——SHEBEHOLDSTHEATTRACTIVESTRANGER
February16——WehavehadsuchadulllifehereallthewinterthatI
havefoundnothingimportantenoughtosetdown,andbrokeoffmyjournalaccordingly.IresumeitnowtomakeanentryonthesubjectofdearCaroline\'sfuture.Itseemsthatshewastoogrieved,immediatelyafterthelossofourmother,toanswerdefinitelythequestionofM.delaFestehowlongthepostponementwastobe;then,afterwards,itwasagreedthatthemattershouldbediscussedonhisautumnvisit;butashedidnotcome,ithasremainedinabeyancetillthisweek,whenCaroline,withthegreatestsimplicityandconfidence,haswrittentohimwithoutanyfurtherpressureonhispart,andtoldhimthatsheisquitereadytofixthetime,andwilldosoassoonashearrivestoseeher.Sheisalittlefrightenednow,lestitshouldseemforwardinhertohaverevivedthesubjectofherownaccord;butshemayassumethathisquestionhasbeenwaitingonforananswereversince,andthatshehas,therefore,actedonlywithinherpromise.Intruth,thesecretatthebottomofitallisthatsheissomewhatsaddenedbecausehehasnotlatterlyremindedherofthepauseintheiraffairs——that,inshort,hisoriginalimpatiencetopossessherisnotnowfoundtoanimatehimsoobviously.Isupposethathelovesherasmuchasever;indeed,Iamsurehemustdoso,seeinghowlovablesheis.Itismostlythuswithallmenwhenwomenareoutoftheirsight;theygrownegligent.
Carolinemusthavepatience,andrememberthatamanofhisgeniushasmanyandimportantcallsuponhistime.InjusticetoherImustaddthatshedoesrememberitfairlywell,andhasasmuchpatienceasanygirleverhadinthecircumstances.HehopestocomeatthebeginningofAprilatlatest.Well,whenhecomesweshallseehim.
April5——IthinkthatwhatM.delaFestewritesisreasonableenough,thoughCarolinelooksheart-sickaboutit.ItishardlyworthwhileforhimtocrossallthewaytoEnglandandbackjustnow,whiletheseaissoturbulent,seeingthathewillbeobliged,inanyevent,tocomeinMay,whenhehastobeinLondonforprofessionalpurposes,atwhichtimehecantakeuseasilyonhiswaybothcomingandgoing.WhenCarolinebecomeshiswifeshewillbemorepractical,nodoubt;butsheissuchachildasyetthatthereisnocontentingherwithreasons.However,thetimewillpassquickly,therebeingsomuchtodoinpreparingatrousseauforher,whichmustnowbeputinhandinorderthatwemayhaveplentyofleisuretogetitready.OnnoaccountmustCarolinebemarriedinhalf-mourning;Iamsurethatmother,couldsheknow,wouldnotwishit,anditisoddthatCarolineshouldbesointractablypersistentonthispoint,whensheisusuallysoyielding.
April30——Thismonthhasflownonswallow\'swings.Weareinagreatstateofexcitement——Iasmuchasshe——Icannotquitetellwhy.
Heisreallycomingintendays,hesays.
May9.Fourp.m——IamsoagitatedIcanscarcelywrite,andyetamparticularlyimpelledtodosobeforeleavingmyroom.Itistheunexpectedshapeofanexpectedeventwhichhascausedmyabsurdexcitement,whichprovesmealmostasmuchaschool-girlasCaroline.
M.delaFestewasnot,asweunderstood,tohavecometillto-
morrow;butheishere——justarrived.Allhouseholddirectionshavedevolveduponme,formyfather,notthinkingM.delaFestewouldappearbeforeusforanotherfour-and-twentyhours,lefthomebeforeposttimetoattendadistantconsecration;andhenceCarolineandI
wereinnosmallexcitementwhenCharles\'sletterwasopened,andwereadthathehadbeenunexpectedlyfavouredinthedispatchofhisstudiowork,andwouldfollowhisletterinafewhours.Wesentthecoveredcarriagetomeetthetrainindicated,andwaitedliketwonewlystrungharpsforthefirstsoundofthereturningwheels.Atlastweheardthemonthegravel;andthequestionarosewhowastoreceivehim.Itwas,strictlyspeaking,myduty;butIfelttimid;I
couldnothelpshirkingit,andinsistedthatCarolineshouldgodown.Shedidnot,however,gonearthedoorassheusuallydoeswhenanybodyisexpected,butwaitedpalpitatinginthedrawing-room.
Helittlethoughtwhenhesawthesilenthall,andtheapparentlydesertedhouse,howthathousewasattheverysamemomentaliveandthrobbingwithinterestunderthesurface.Istoodatthebackoftheupperlanding,wherenobodycouldseemefromdownstairs,andheardhimwalkacrossthehall——alighterstepthanmyfather\'s——andheardhimthengointothedrawing-room,andtheservantshutthedoorbehindhimandgoaway.
Whataprettylover\'smeetingtheymusthavehadintherealltothemselves!Caroline\'ssweetfacelookingupfromherblackgown——
howitmusthavetouchedhim.Iknowsheweptverymuch,forIheardher;andhereyeswillberedafterwards,andnowonder,poordear,thoughsheisnodoubthappy.IcanimaginewhatsheistellinghimwhileIwritethis——herfearslestanythingshouldhavehappenedtopreventhiscomingafterall——gentle,smilingreproachesforhislongdelay;andthingsofthatsort.Histwoportmanteausareatthismomentcrossingthelandingonthewaytohisroom.IwonderifI
oughttogodown.
Alittlelater——Ihaveseenhim!ItwasnotatallinthewaythatIintendedtoencounterhim,andIamvexed.JustafterhisportmanteauswerebroughtupIwentoutfrommyroomtodescend,when,atthemomentofsteppingtowardsthefirststair,myeyeswerecaughtbyanobjectinthehallbelow,andIpausedforaninstant,tillIsawthatitwasabundleofcanvasandsticks,composingasketchingtentandeasel.Atthesamenickoftimethedrawing-roomdooropenedandtheaffiancedpaircameout.Theyweresayingtheywouldgointothegarden;andhewaitedamomentwhilesheputonherhat.Myideawastoletthempassonwithoutseeingme,sincetheyseemednottowantmycompany,butIhadgottoofaronthelandingtoretreat;helookedup,andstoodstaringatme——engrossedtoadream-likefixity.ThereuponI,too,insteadofadvancingasIoughttohavedone,stoodmoonstruckandawkward,andbeforeIcouldgathermyweaksensessufficientlytodescend,shehadcalledhim,andtheywentoutbythegardendoortogether.Ithenthoughtoffollowingthem,buthavechangedmymind,andcomeheretojotdownthesefewlines.ItisallIamfitfor
HeisevenmorehandsomethanIexpected.Iwasrightinfeelinghemusthaveanattractionbeyondthatofform:itappearedeveninthatmomentaryglance.HowhappyCarolineoughttobe.ButImust,ofcourse,godowntobereadywithteainthedrawing-roombythetimetheycomeindoors.
11p.m——IhavemadetheacquaintanceofM.delaFeste;andIseemtobeanotherwomanfromtheeffectofit.Icannotdescribewhythisshouldbeso,butconversationwithhimseemstoexpandtheview,andopentheheart,andraiseoneasuponstiltstowiderprospects.Hehasagoodintellectualforehead,perfecteyebrows,darkhairandeyes,ananimatedmanner,andapersuasivevoice.Hisvoiceissoftinquality——toosoftforaman,perhaps;andyetonsecondthoughtsIwouldnothaveitlessso.Wehavebeentalkingofhisart:Ihadnonotionthatartdemandedsuchsacrificesorsuchtenderdevotion;orthatthereweretworoadsforchoicewithinitsprecincts,theroadofvulgarmoney-making,andtheroadofhighaimsandconsequentinappreciationformanylongyearsbythepublic.
Thathehasadoptedthelatterneednotbesaidtothosewhounderstandhim.ItisablessingforCarolinethatshehasbeenchosenbysuchaman,andsheoughtnottolamentatpostponementsanddelays,sincetheyhavearisenunavoidably.Whetherhefindshersasufficientlyrichnature,intellectuallyandemotionally,forhisown,Iknownot,butheseemsoccasionallytobedisappointedathersimpleviewsofthings.Doeshereallyfeelsuchloveforheratthismomentashenodoubtbelieveshimselftobefeeling,andashenodoubthopestofeelfortheremainderofhislifetowardsher?
Itwasacuriousthinghetoldmewhenwewereleftforafewminutesalone;thatCarolinehadalludedsoslightlytomeinherconversationandlettersthathehadnotrealizedmypresenceinthehousehereatall.But,ofcourse,itwasonlynaturalthatsheshouldwriteandtalkmostaboutherself.Isupposeitwasonaccountofthefactofhisbeingtakeninsomemeasureunawares,thatIcaughthimontwoorthreeoccasionsregardingmefixedlyinawaythatdisquietedmesomewhat,havingbeenlatelyinsolittlesociety;
tillmyglancearousedhimfromhisreverie,andhelookedelsewhereinsomeconfusion.Itwasfortunatethathedidso,andthusfailedtonoticemyown.Itshowsthathe,too,isnotparticularlyasocietyperson.
May10——HavehadanotherinterestingconversationwithM.delaFesteonschoolsoflandscapepaintinginthedrawing-roomafterdinnerthisevening——myfatherhavingfallenasleep,andleftnobodybutCarolineandmyselfforCharlestotalkto.Ididnotmeantosaysomuchtohim,andhadtakenavolumeofModernPaintersfromthebookcasetooccupymyselfwith,whileleavingthetwoloverstothemselves;buthewouldincludemeinhisaudience,andIwasobligedtolaythebookaside.However,IinsistedonkeepingCarolineintheconversation,thoughherviewsonpictorialartwereonlytoocharminglycrudeandprimitive.
To-morrow,iffine,weareallthreegoingtoWherryborneWood,whereCharleswillgiveuspracticalillustrationsoftheprinciplesofcoloringthathehasenumeratedto-night.IamdeterminednottooccupyhisattentiontotheexclusionofCaroline,andmyplanisthatwhenweareinthedensepartofthewoodIwilllagbehind,andslipaway,andleavethemtoreturnbythemselves.IsupposethereasonofhisattentivenesstomeliesinhissimplywishingtowinthegoodopinionofonewhoissocloselyunitedtoCaroline,andsolikelytoinfluencehergoodopinionofhim.
May11.Late——Icannotsleep,andindesperationhavelitmycandleandtakenupmypen.Myrestlessnessisoccasionedbywhathasoccurredto-day,whichatfirstIdidnotmeantowritedown,ortrusttoanyheartbutmyown.WewenttoWherryborneWood——
Caroline,CharlesandI,aswehadintended——andwalkedallthreealongthegreentrackthroughthemidst,CharlesinthemiddlebetweenCarolineandmyself.PresentlyIfoundthat,asusual,heandIweretheonlytalkers,Carolineamusingherselfbyobservingbirdsandsquirrelsasshewalkeddocilelyalongsideherbetrothed.
HavingnoticedthisIdroppedbehindatthefirstopportunityandslippedamongthetrees,inadirectioninwhichIknewIshouldfindanotherpaththatwouldtakemehome.UponthistrackIbyandbyemerged,andwalkedalongitinsilentthoughttill,atabend,I
suddenlyencounteredM.delaFestestandingstockstillandsmilingthoughtfullyatme.
\'WhereisCaroline?\'saidI.
\'Onlyalittlewayoff,\'sayshe.\'Whenwemissedyoufrombehinduswethoughtyoumighthavemistakenthedirectionwehadfollowed,soshehasgoneonewaytofindyouandIhavecomethisway.\'
WethenwentbacktofindCaroline,butcouldnotdiscoverheranywhere,andtheupshotwasthatheandIwerewanderingaboutthewoodsaloneformorethananhour.Onreachinghomewefoundshehadgivenusupaftersearchingalittlewhile,andarrivedtheresometimebefore.IshouldnotbesodisturbedbytheincidentifIhadnotperceivedthat,duringherabsencefromus,hedidnotmakeanyearnestefforttorediscoverher;andinanswertomyrepeatedexpressionsofwonderastowhithershecouldhavewanderedheonlysaid,\'Oh,she\'squitesafe;shetoldmesheknewthewayhomefromanypartofthiswood.Letusgoonwithourtalk.IassureyouI
valuethisprivilegeofbeingwithoneIsomuchadmiremorethanyouimagine;\'andotherthingsofthatkind.Iwassofoolishastoshowalittleperturbation——IcannottellwhyIdidnotcontrolmyself;
andIthinkhenoticedthatIwasnotcool.Carolinehas,withhersimplegoodfaith,thoughtnothingoftheoccurrence;yetaltogetherIamnotsatisfied.
CHAPTERV——HERSITUATIONISATRYINGONE
May15——ThemoreIthinkofitdayafterday,themoreconvincedI
amthatmysuspicionsaretrue.Heistoointerestedinme——well,inplainwords,lovesme;or,nottodegradethatphrase,hasawildpassionforme;andhisaffectionforCarolineisthattowardsasisteronly.Thatisthedistressingtruth;howithascomeaboutI
cannottell,anditwearsuponme.
Ahundredlittlecircumstanceshaverevealedthistome,andthelongerIdwelluponitthemoreagitatingdoestheconsiderationbecome.Heavenonlycanhelpmeoutoftheterribledifficultyinwhichthisplacesme.Ihavedonenothingtoencouragehimtobefaithlesstoher.Ihavestudiouslykeptoutofhisway;havepersistentlyrefusedtobeathirdintheirinterviews.Yetalltonopurpose.Somefatalityhasseemedtorule,eversincehecametothehouse,thatthisdisastrousinversionofthingsshouldarise.IfIhadonlyforeseenthepossibilityofitbeforehearrived,howgladlywouldIhavedepartedonsomevisitorothertothemeanestfriendtohindersuchanapparenttreachery.ButIblindlywelcomedhim——indeed,mademyselfparticularlyagreeabletohimforhersake.