Theconferencewasheldatfourorfiveo’clockintheafternoon，whenalltheregionofHarleyStreet，CavendishSquare，wasresonantofcarriage-wheelsanddouble-knocks。IthadreachedthispointwhenMrMerdlecamehomefromhisdailyoccupationofcausingtheBritishnametobemoreandmorerespectedinallpartsofthecivilisedglobecapableoftheappreciationofworld-widecommercialenterpriseandgiganticcombinationsofskillandcapital。For，thoughnobodyknewwiththeleastprecisionwhatMrMerdle’sbusinesswas，exceptthatitwastocoinmoney，thesewerethetermsinwhicheverybodydefineditonallceremoniousoccasions，andwhichitwasthelastnewpolitereadingoftheparableofthecamelandtheneedle’seyetoacceptwithoutinquiry。
Foragentlemanwhohadthissplendidworkcutoutforhim，MrMerdlelookedalittlecommon，andratherasif，inthecourseofhisvasttransactions，hehadaccidentallymadeaninterchangeofheadswithsomeinferiorspirit。Hepresentedhimselfbeforethetwoladiesinthecourseofadismalstrollthroughhismansion，whichhadnoapparentobjectbutescapefromthepresenceofthechiefbutler。
’Ibegyourpardon，’hesaid，stoppingshortinconfusion；’I
didn’tknowtherewasanybodyherebuttheparrot。’
However，asMrsMerdlesaid，’Youcancomein!’andasMrsGowansaidshewasjustgoing，andhadalreadyrisentotakeherleave，hecamein，andstoodlookingoutatadistantwindow，withhishandscrossedunderhisuneasycoat-cuffs，claspinghiswristsasifheweretakinghimselfintocustody。Inthisattitudehefelldirectlyintoareveriefromwhichhewasonlyarousedbyhiswife’scallingtohimfromherottoman，whentheyhadbeenforsomequarterofanhouralone。
’Eh？Yes？’saidMrMerdle，turningtowardsher。’Whatisit？’
’Whatisit？’repeatedMrsMerdle。’Itis，Isuppose，thatyouhavenotheardawordofmycomplaint。’
’Yourcomplaint，MrsMerdle？’saidMrMerdle。’Ididn’tknowthatyouweresufferingfromacomplaint。Whatcomplaint？’
’Acomplaintofyou，’saidMrsMerdle。
’Oh!Acomplaintofme，’saidMrMerdle。’Whatisthe——whathaveI——whatmayyouhavetocomplainofinme，MrsMerdle？’Inhiswithdrawing，abstracted，ponderingway，ittookhimsometimetoshapethisquestion。Asakindoffaintattempttoconvincehimselfthathewasthemasterofthehouse，heconcludedbypresentinghisforefingertotheparrot，whoexpressedhisopiniononthatsubjectbyinstantlydrivinghisbillintoit。
’Youweresaying，MrsMerdle，’saidMrMerdle，withhiswoundedfingerinhismouth，’thatyouhadacomplaintagainstme？’
’AcomplaintwhichIcouldscarcelyshowthejusticeofmoreemphatically，thanbyhavingtorepeatit，’saidMrsMerdle。’I
mightaswellhavestatedittothewall。Ihadfarbetterhavestatedittothebird。Hewouldatleasthavescreamed。’
’Youdon’twantmetoscream，MrsMerdle，Isuppose，’saidMrMerdle，takingachair。
’IndeedIdon’tknow，’retortedMrsMerdle，’butthatyouhadbetterdothat，thanbesomoodyanddistraught。Onewouldatleastknowthatyouweresensibleofwhatwasgoingonaroundyou。’
’Amanmightscream，andyetnotbethat，MrsMerdle，’saidMrMerdle，heavily。
’Andmightbedogged，asyouareatpresent，withoutscreaming，’
returnedMrsMerdle。’That’sverytrue。IfyouwishtoknowthecomplaintImakeagainstyou，itis，insomanyplainwords，thatyoureallyoughtnottogointoSocietyunlessyoucanaccommodateyourselftoSociety。’
MrMerdle，sotwistinghishandsintowhathairhehaduponhisheadthatheseemedtolifthimselfupbyitashestartedoutofhischair，cried：
’Why，inthenameofalltheinfernalpowers，MrsMerdle，whodoesmoreforSocietythanIdo？Doyouseethesepremises，MrsMerdle？
Doyouseethisfurniture，MrsMerdle？Doyoulookintheglassandseeyourself，MrsMerdle？Doyouknowthecostofallthis，andwhoit’sallprovidedfor？AndyetwillyoutellmethatI
oughtn’ttogointoSociety？I，whoshowermoneyuponitinthisway？I，whomightalwaysbesaid——to——to——toharnessmyselftoawatering-cartfullofmoney，andgoaboutsaturatingSocietyeverydayofmylife。’
’Pray，don’tbeviolent，MrMerdle，’saidMrsMerdle。
’Violent？’saidMrMerdle。’Youareenoughtomakemedesperate。
Youdon’tknowhalfofwhatIdotoaccommodateSociety。Youdon’tknowanythingofthesacrificesImakeforit。’
’Iknow，’returnedMrsMerdle，’thatyoureceivethebestintheland。IknowthatyoumoveinthewholeSocietyofthecountry。
AndIbelieveIknowindeed，nottomakeanyridiculouspretenceaboutit，IknowIknowwhosustainsyouinit，MrMerdle。’
’MrsMerdle，’retortedthatgentleman，wipinghisdullredandyellowface，’Iknowthataswellasyoudo。IfyouwerenotanornamenttoSociety，andifIwasnotabenefactortoSociety，youandIwouldneverhavecometogether。WhenIsayabenefactortoit，Imeanapersonwhoprovidesitwithallsortsofexpensivethingstoeatanddrinkandlookat。But，totellmethatIamnotfitforitafterallIhavedoneforit——afterallIhavedoneforit，’repeatedMrMerdle，withawildemphasisthatmadehiswifeliftuphereyelids，’afterall——all!——totellmeIhavenorighttomixwithitafterall，isaprettyreward。’
’Isay，’answeredMrsMerdlecomposedly，’thatyououghttomakeyourselffitforitbybeingmoredegage，andlesspreoccupied。
Thereisapositivevulgarityincarryingyourbusinessaffairsaboutwithyouasyoudo。’
’HowdoIcarrythemabout，MrsMerdle？’askedMrMerdle。
’Howdoyoucarrythemabout？’saidMrsMerdle。’Lookatyourselfintheglass。’
MrMerdleinvoluntarilyturnedhiseyesinthedirectionofthenearestmirror，andasked，withaslowdeterminationofhisturbidbloodtohistemples，whetheramanwastobecalledtoaccountforhisdigestion？
’Youhaveaphysician，’saidMrsMerdle。
’Hedoesmenogood，’saidMrMerdle。
MrsMerdlechangedherground。
’Besides，’saidshe，’yourdigestionisnonsense。Idon’tspeakofyourdigestion。Ispeakofyourmanner。’
’MrsMerdle，’returnedherhusband，’Ilooktoyouforthat。Yousupplymanner，andIsupplymoney。’
’Idon’texpectyou，’saidMrsMerdle，reposingeasilyamonghercushions，’tocaptivatepeople。Idon’twantyoutotakeanytroubleuponyourself，ortotrytobefascinating。Isimplyrequestyoutocareaboutnothing——orseemtocareaboutnothing——
aseverybodyelsedoes。’
’DoIeversayIcareaboutanything？’askedMrMerdle。
’Say？No!Nobodywouldattendtoyouifyoudid。Butyoushowit。’
’Showwhat？WhatdoIshow？’demandedMrMerdlehurriedly。
’Ihavealreadytoldyou。Youshowthatyoucarryyourbusinesscaresanprojectsabout，insteadofleavingthemintheCity，orwhereverelsetheybelongto，’saidMrsMerdle。’Orseemingto。
Seemingwouldbequiteenough：Iasknomore。Whereasyoucouldn’tbemoreoccupiedwithyourday’scalculationsandcombinationsthanyouhabituallyshowyourselftobe，ifyouwereacarpenter。’
’Acarpenter!’repeatedMrMerdle，checkingsomethinglikeagroan。
’Ishouldn’tsomuchmindbeingacarpenter，MrsMerdle。’
’Andmycomplaintis，’pursuedthelady，disregardingthelowremark，’thatitisnotthetoneofSociety，andthatyououghttocorrectit，MrMerdle。Ifyouhaveanydoubtofmyjudgment，askevenEdmundSparkler。’Thedooroftheroomhadopened，andMrsMerdlenowsurveyedtheheadofhersonthroughherglass。
’Edmund；wewantyouhere。’
MrSparkler，whohadmerelyputinhisheadandlookedroundtheroomwithoutenteringasifheweresearchingthehouseforthatyoungladywithnononsenseabouther，uponthisfolloweduphisheadwithhisbody，andstoodbeforethem。Towhom，inafeweasywordsadaptedtohiscapacity，MrsMerdlestatedthequestionatissue。
Theyounggentleman，afteranxiouslyfeelinghisshirt-collarasifitwerehispulseandhewerehypochondriacal，observed，’Thathehadhearditnoticedbyfellers。’
’EdmundSparklerhashearditnoticed，’saidMrsMerdle，withlanguidtriumph。’Why，nodoubteverybodyhashearditnoticed!’
Whichintruthwasnounreasonableinference；seeingthatMrSparklerwouldprobablybethelastperson，inanyassemblageofthehumanspecies，toreceiveanimpressionfromanythingthatpassedinhispresence。
’AndEdmundSparklerwilltellyou，Idaresay，’saidMrsMerdle，wavingherfavouritehandtowardsherhusband，’howhehashearditnoticed。’
’Icouldn’t，’saidMrSparkler，afterfeelinghispulseasbefore，’couldn’tundertaketosaywhatledtoit——’causememorydesperateloose。Butbeingincompanywiththebrotherofadoosedfinegal——welleducatedtoo——withnobiggoddnonsenseabouther——attheperiodalludedto——’
’There!Nevermindthesister，’remarkedMrsMerdle，alittleimpatiently。’Whatdidthebrothersay？’
’Didn’tsayaword，ma’am，’answeredMrSparkler。’Assilentafellerasmyself。Equallyhardupforaremark。’
’Somebodysaidsomething，’returnedMrsMerdle。’Nevermindwhoitwas。’
’AssureyouIdon’tintheleast，’saidMrSparkler。
’Buttelluswhatitwas。’
MrSparklerreferredtohispulseagain，andputhimselfthroughsomeseverementaldisciplinebeforehereplied：
’FellersreferringtomyGovernor——expressionnotmyown——
occasionallycomplimentmyGovernorinaveryhandsomewayonbeingimmenselyrichandknowing——perfectphenomenonofBuyerandBankerandthat——butsaytheShopsitsheavilyonhim。SayhecarriedtheShopabout，onhisbackrather——likeJewclothesmenwithtoomuchbusiness。’
’Which，’saidMrsMerdle，rising，withherfloatingdraperyabouther，’isexactlymycomplaint。Edmund，givemeyourarmup-
stairs。’
MrMerdle，leftalonetomeditateonabetterconformationofhimselftoSociety，lookedoutofninewindowsinsuccession，andappearedtoseeninewastesofspace。Whenhehadthusentertainedhimselfhewentdown-stairs，andlookedintentlyatallthecarpetsontheground-floor；andthencameup-stairsagain，andlookedintentlyatallthecarpetsonthefirst-floor；asiftheyweregloomydepths，inunisonwithhisoppressedsoul。Throughalltheroomshewandered，ashealwaysdid，likethelastpersononearthwhohadanybusinesstoapproachthem。LetMrsMerdleannounce，withallhermight，thatshewasatHomeeversomanynightsinaseason，shecouldnotannouncemorewidelyandunmistakablythanMrMerdledidthathewasneverathome。