第36章
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  ’Butthisisnot,’sheadded,withthequieteffortagain,’whatI

  havecometotroubleyouwith,sir。Mysister’shavingfoundafriend,aladyshehastoldmeofandmademeratheranxiousabout,wasthefirstcauseofmycomingawayfromhome。Andbeingaway,andcomingonpurposeroundbywhereyoulivedandseeingalightinthewindow——’

  Notforthefirsttime。No,notforthefirsttime。InLittleDorrit’seyes,theoutsideofthatwindowhadbeenadistantstaronothernightsthanthis。Shehadtoiledoutofherway,tiredandtroubled,tolookupatit,andwonderaboutthegrave,browngentlemanfromsofaroff,whohadspokentoherasafriendandprotector。

  ’Therewerethreethings,’saidLittleDorrit,’thatIthoughtI

  wouldliketosay,ifyouwerealoneandImightcomeup-stairs。

  First,whatIhavetriedtosay,butnevercan——nevershall——’

  ’Hush,hush!Thatisdonewith,anddisposedof。Letuspasstothesecond,’saidClennam,smilingheragitationaway,makingtheblazeshineuponher,andputtingwineandcakeandfruittowardsheronthetable。

  ’Ithink,’saidLittleDorrit——’thisisthesecondthing,sir——I

  thinkMrsClennammusthavefoundoutmysecret,andmustknowwhereIcomefromandwhereIgoto。WhereIlive,Imean。’

  ’Indeed!’returnedClennamquickly。Heaskedher,aftershortconsideration,whyshesupposedso。

  ’Ithink,’repliedLittleDorrit,’thatMrFlintwinchmusthavewatchedme。’

  Andwhy,Clennamasked,asheturnedhiseyesuponthefire,benthisbrows,andconsideredagain;whydidshesupposethat?

  ’Ihavemethimtwice。Bothtimesnearhome。Bothtimesatnight,whenIwasgoingback。BothtimesIthoughtthoughthatmayeasilybemymistake,thathehardlylookedasifhehadmetmebyaccident。’

  ’Didhesayanything?’

  ’No;heonlynoddedandputhisheadononeside。’

  ’Thedeviltakehishead!’musedClennam,stilllookingatthefire;’it’salwaysononeside。’

  Herousedhimselftopersuadehertoputsomewinetoherlips,andtotouchsomethingtoeat——itwasverydifficult,shewassotimidandshy——andthensaid,musingagain:

  ’Ismymotheratallchangedtoyou?’

  ’Oh,notatall。Sheisjustthesame。IwonderedwhetherIhadbettertellhermyhistory。IwonderedwhetherImight——Imean,whetheryouwouldlikemetotellher。Iwondered,’saidLittleDorrit,lookingathiminasuppliantway,andgraduallywithdrawinghereyesashelookedather,’whetheryouwouldadvisemewhatIoughttodo。’

  ’LittleDorrit,’saidClennam;andthephrasehadalreadybegun,betweenthesetwo,tostandforahundredgentlephrases,accordingtothevaryingtoneandconnectioninwhichitwasused;’donothing。Iwillhavesometalkwithmyoldfriend,MrsAffery。Donothing,LittleDorrit——exceptrefreshyourselfwithsuchmeansastherearehere。Ientreatyoutodothat。’

  ’Thankyou,Iamnothungry。Nor,’saidLittleDorrit,ashesoftlyputherglasstowardsher,’northirsty——IthinkMaggymightlikesomething,perhaps。’

  ’Wewillmakeherfindpocketspresentlyforallthereishere,’

  saidClennam:’butbeforeweawakeher,therewasathirdthingtosay。’

  ’Yes。Youwillnotbeoffended,sir?’

  ’Ipromisethat,unreservedly。’

  ’Itwillsoundstrange。Ihardlyknowhowtosayit。Don’tthinkitunreasonableorungratefulinme,’saidLittleDorrit,withreturningandincreasingagitation。

  ’No,no,no。Iamsureitwillbenaturalandright。IamnotafraidthatIshallputawrongconstructiononit,whateveritis。’

  ’Thankyou。Youarecomingbacktoseemyfatheragain?’

  ’Yes。’

  ’Youhavebeensogoodandthoughtfulastowritehimanote,sayingthatyouarecomingto-morrow?’

  ’Oh,thatwasnothing!Yes。’

  ’Canyouguess,’saidLittleDorrit,foldinghersmallhandstightinoneanother,andlookingathimwithalltheearnestnessofhersoullookingsteadilyoutofhereyes,’whatIamgoingtoaskyounottodo?’

  ’IthinkIcan。ButImaybewrong。’

  ’No,youarenotwrong,’saidLittleDorrit,shakingherhead。’Ifweshouldwantitsovery,verybadlythatwecannotdowithoutit,letmeaskyouforit。’

  ’IWill,——IWill。’

  ’Don’tencouragehimtoask。Don’tunderstandhimifhedoesask。

  Don’tgiveittohim。Savehimandsparehimthat,andyouwillbeabletothinkbetterofhim!’

  Clennamsaid——notveryplainly,seeingthosetearsglisteninginheranxiouseyes——thatherwishshouldbesacredwithhim。

  ’Youdon’tknowwhatheis,’shesaid;’youdon’tknowwhathereallyis。Howcanyou,seeinghimthereallatonce,dearlove,andnotgradually,asIhavedone!Youhavebeensogoodtous,sodelicatelyandtrulygood,thatIwanthimtobebetterinyoureyesthaninanybody’s。AndIcannotbeartothink,’criedLittleDorrit,coveringhertearswithherhands,’Icannotbeartothinkthatyouofalltheworldshouldseehiminhisonlymomentsofdegradation。’

  ’Pray,’saidClennam,’donotbesodistressed。Pray,pray,LittleDorrit!Thisisquiteunderstoodnow。’

  ’Thankyou,sir。Thankyou!Ihavetriedverymuchtokeepmyselffromsayingthis;Ihavethoughtaboutit,daysandnights;butwhenIknewforcertainyouwerecomingagain,Imadeupmymindtospeaktoyou。NotbecauseIamashamedofhim,’shedriedhertearsquickly,’butbecauseIknowhimbetterthananyonedoes,andlovehim,andamproudofhim。’

  Relievedofthisweight,LittleDorritwasnervouslyanxioustobegone。Maggybeingbroadawake,andintheactofdistantlygloatingoverthefruitandcakeswithchucklesofanticipation,Clennammadethebestdiversioninhispowerbypouringheroutaglassofwine,whichshedrankinaseriesofloudsmacks;puttingherhanduponherwindpipeaftereveryone,andsaying,breathless,withhereyesinaprominentstate,’Oh,ain’titd’licious!Ain’tithospitally!’Whenshehadfinishedthewineandtheseencomiums,hechargedhertoloadherbasketshewasneverwithoutherbasketwitheveryeatablethinguponthetable,andtotakeespecialcaretoleavenoscrapbehind。Maggy’spleasureindoingthisandherlittlemother’spleasureinseeingMaggypleased,wasasgoodaturnascircumstancescouldhavegiventothelateconversation。

  ’Butthegateswillhavebeenlockedlongago,’saidClennam,suddenlyrememberingit。’Whereareyougoing?’

  ’IamgoingtoMaggy’slodging,’answeredLittleDorrit。’Ishallbequitesafe,quitewelltakencareof。’

  ’Imustaccompanyyouthere,’saidClennam,’Icannotletyougoalone。’

  ’Yes,prayleaveustogotherebyourselves。Praydo!’beggedLittleDorrit。

  Shewassoearnestinthepetition,thatClennamfeltadelicacyinobtrudinghimselfuponher:therather,becausehecouldwellunderstandthatMaggy’slodgingwasoftheobscurestsort。’Come,Maggy,’saidLittleDorritcheerily,’weshalldoverywell;weknowthewaybythistime,Maggy?’

  ’Yes,yes,littlemother;weknowtheway,’chuckledMaggy。Andawaytheywent。LittleDorritturnedatthedoortosay,’Godblessyou!’Shesaiditverysoftly,butperhapsshemayhavebeenasaudibleabove——whoknows!——asawholecathedralchoir。

  ArthurClennamsufferedthemtopassthecornerofthestreetbeforehefollowedatadistance;notwithanyideaofencroachingasecondtimeonLittleDorrit’sprivacy,buttosatisfyhismindbyseeinghersecureintheneighbourhoodtowhichshewasaccustomed。Sodiminutiveshelooked,sofragileanddefencelessagainstthebleakdampweather,flittingalongintheshufflingshadowofhercharge,thathefelt,inhiscompassion,andinhishabitofconsideringherachildapartfromtherestoftheroughworld,asifhewouldhavebeengladtotakeherupinhisarmsandcarryhertoherjourney’send。

  IncourseoftimeshecameintotheleadingthoroughfarewheretheMarshalseawas,andthenhesawthemslackentheirpace,andsoonturndownaby-street。Hestopped,feltthathehadnorighttogofurther,andslowlyleftthem。Hehadnosuspicionthattheyrananyriskofbeinghouselessuntilmorning;hadnoideaofthetruthuntillong,longafterwards。

  But,saidLittleDorrit,whentheystoppedatapoordwellingallindarkness,andheardnosoundonlisteningatthedoor,’Now,thisisagoodlodgingforyou,Maggy,andwemustnotgiveoffence。Consequently,wewillonlyknocktwice,andnotveryloud;andifwecannotwakethemso,wemustwalkabouttillday。’

  Once,LittleDorritknockedwithacarefulhand,andlistened。

  Twice,LittleDorritknockedwithacarefulhand,andlistened。

  Allwascloseandstill。’Maggy,wemustdothebestwecan,mydear。Wemustbepatient,andwaitforday。’

  Itwasachilldarknight,withadampwindblowing,whentheycameoutintotheleadingstreetagain,andheardtheclocksstrikehalf-pastone。’Inonlyfivehoursandahalf,’saidLittleDorrit,’weshallbeabletogohome。’Tospeakofhome,andtogoandlookatit,itbeingsonear,wasanaturalsequence。Theywenttotheclosedgate,andpeepedthroughintothecourt-yard。

  ’Ihopeheissoundasleep,’saidLittleDorrit,kissingoneofthebars,’anddoesnotmissme。’

  Thegatewassofamiliar,andsolikeacompanion,thattheyputdownMaggy’sbasketinacornertoserveforaseat,andkeepingclosetogether,restedthereforsometime。Whilethestreetwasemptyandsilent,LittleDorritwasnotafraid;butwhensheheardafootstepatadistance,orsawamovingshadowamongthestreetlamps,shewasstartled,andwhispered,’Maggy,Iseesomeone。

  Comeaway!’Maggywouldthenwakeupmoreorlessfretfully,andtheywouldwanderaboutalittle,andcomebackagain。

  Aslongaseatingwasanoveltyandanamusement,Maggykeptupprettywell。Butthatperiodgoingby,shebecamequerulousaboutthecold,andshiveredandwhimpered。’Itwillsoonbeover,dear,’saidLittleDorritpatiently。’Ohit’sallveryfineforyou,littlemother,’returnedMaggy,’butI’mapoorthing,onlytenyearsold。’Atlast,inthedeadofthenight,whenthestreetwasverystillindeed,LittleDorritlaidtheheavyheaduponherbosom,andsoothedhertosleep。Andthusshesatatthegate,asitwerealone;lookingupatthestars,andseeingthecloudspassoverthemintheirwildflight——whichwasthedanceatLittleDorrit’sparty。

  ’Ifitreallywasaparty!’shethoughtonce,asshesatthere。

  ’Ifitwaslightandwarmandbeautiful,anditwasourhouse,andmypoordearwasitsmaster,andhadneverbeeninsidethesewalls。

  AndifMrClennamwasoneofourvisitors,andweweredancingtodelightfulmusic,andwereallasgayandlight-heartedaseverwecouldbe!Iwonder——’Suchavistaofwonderopenedoutbeforeher,thatshesatlookingupatthestars,quitelost,untilMaggywasquerulousagain,andwantedtogetupandwalk。

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