Itispartofmynaturethatpleasurehasanexhilaratingeffectonme；itleavessunshinebehind，andbecomesapartofmyinnerbeing。
Theintervalwhichpartsoneecstasyfromanotherisliketheshortnightwhichmarksoffourlongsummerdays。Thesunwhichflushedthemountaintopswithwarmthinsettingfindsthemhardlycoldwhenitrises。Whathappychancehasgivenmesuchadestiny？Mymotherhadrousedahostoffearsinme；herforecast，which，thoughfreefromthealloyofvulgarpettiness，seemedtomeredolentofjealousy，hasbeenfalsifiedbytheevent。Yourfearsandhers，myown——allhavevanishedinthinair!
WeremainedatChantepleurssevenmonthsandahalf，foralltheworldlikeacoupleofrunawayloversfleeingtheparentalwarmth，whiletherosesofpleasurecrownedourloveandembellishedourdualsolitude。
Onemorning，whenIwasevenhappierthanusual，Ibegantomuseovermylot，andsuddenlyReneeandherprosaicmarriageflashedintomymind。ItseemedtomethatnowIcouldgrasptheinnermeaninginyourlife。Oh!mysweet，whydowespeakadifferenttongue？Yourmarriageofconvenienceandmylovematcharetwoworlds，aswidelyseparatedasthefinitefrominfinity。Youstillwalktheearth，whilstIrangetheheavens!Yoursphereishuman，minedivine!Lovecrownedmequeen，youreignbyreasonandduty。SoloftyaretheregionswhereIsoar，thatafallwouldshivermetoatoms。
Butnomoreofthis。Ishrinkfrompaintingtoyoutherainbowbrightness，theprofusion，theexuberantjoyoflove’sspringtime，asweknowit。
FortendayswehavebeeninParis，stayinginacharminghouseintheRueduBac，preparedforusbythearchitecttowhomFelipeintrustedthedecorationofChantepleurs。Ihavebeenlistening，inallthefullcontentofanassuredandsanctionedlove，tothatdivinemusicofRossini’s，whichusedtosoothemewhen，asarestlessgirl，I
hungeredvaguelyafterexperience。TheysayIammorebeautiful，andI
haveachildishpleasureinhearingmyselfcalled“Madame。“
Fridaymorning。
Renee，myfairsaint，thehappinessofmyownlifepullsmeforeverbacktoyou。IfeelthatIcanbemoretoyouthaneverbefore，youaresodeartome!Ihavestudiedyourweddedlifecloselyinthelightofmyownopeningchapters；andyouseemtometocomeoutofthescrutinysogreat，sonoble，sosplendidinyourgoodness，thatI
heredeclaremyselfyourinferiorandhumbleadmirer，aswellasyourfriend。WhenIthinkwhatmarriagehasbeentome，itseemstomethatIshouldhavedied，haditturnedoutotherwise。Andyoulive!Tellmewhatyourheartfeedson!NeveragainshallImakefunofyou。
Mockery，mysweet，isthechildofignorance；wejestatwhatweknownothingof。“Recruitswilllaughwheretheveteransoldierlooksgrave，“wasaremarkmadetomebytheComtedeChaulieu，thatpoorcavalryofficerwhosecampaigningsofarhasconsistedinmarchesfromParistoFontainebleauandbackagain。
Isurmise，too，mydearlove，thatyouhavenottoldmeall。Therearewoundswhichyouhavehidden。Yousuffer；Iamconvincedofit。Intryingtomakeoutatthisdistanceandfromthescrapsyoutellmethereasonsofyourconduct，Ihaveweavedtogetherallsortsofromantictheoriesaboutyou。“Shehasmadeamereexperimentinmarriage，“Ithoughtoneevening，“andwhatishappinessformehadprovedonlysufferingtoher。Hersacrificeisbarrenofreward，andshewouldnotmakeitgreaterthanneedbe。Theunctuousaxiomsofsocialmoralityareonlyusedtocloakherdisappointment。“Ah!Renee，thebestofhappinessisthatitneedsnodogmaandnofinewordstopavetheway；itspeaksforitself，whiletheoryhasbeenpiledupontheorytojustifythesystemofwomen’svassalageandthralldom。Ifself-denialbesonoble，sosublime，what，pray，ofmyjoy，shelteredbythegold-and-whitecanopyofthechurch，andwitnessedbythehandandsealofthemostsour-facedofmayors？Isitathingoutofnature？
Forthehonorofthelaw，forherownsake，butmostofalltomakemyhappinesscomplete，IlongtoseemyReneecontent。Oh!tellmethatyouseeadawnofloveforthisLouiswhoadoresyou!Tellmethatthesolemn，symbolictorchofHymenhasnotaloneservedtolightenyourdarkness，butthatlove，theglorioussunofourhearts，pourshisraysonyou。Icomebackalways，yousee，tothismiddayblaze，whichwillbemydestruction，Ifear。
DearRenee，doyourememberhow，inyouroutburstsofgirlishdevotion，youwouldsaytome，aswesatunderthevine-coveredarboroftheconventgarden，“Iloveyouso，Louise，thatifGodappearedtomeinavision，IwouldprayHimthatallthesorrowsoflifemightbemine，andallthejoyyours。Iburntosufferforyou“？Now，darling，thedayhascomewhenItakeupyourprayer，imploringHeaventograntyouashareinmyhappiness。
Imusttellyoumyidea。IhaveashrewdnotionthatyouarehatchingambitiousplansunderthenameofLouisdel’Estorade。Verygood；gethimelecteddeputyattheapproachingelection，forhewillbeverynearlyfortythen；andastheChamberdoesnotmeettillsixmonthslater，hewillhavejustattainedtheagenecessarytoqualifyforaseat。YouwillcometoParis——there，isn’tthatenough？Myfather，andthefriendsIshallhavemadebythattime，willlearntoknowandadmireyou；andifyourfather-in-lawwillagreetofoundafamily，wewillgetthetitleofComteforLouis。Thatissomethingatleast!Andweshallbetogether。
MythricehappyLouise，yourlettermademedizzy。ForafewmomentsI
helditinmylistlesshands，whileatearortwosparkledonitinthesettingsun。IwasalonebeneaththesmallbarrenrockwhereI
havehadaseatplaced；faroff，likealanceofsteel，theMediterraneanshone。Theseatisshadedbyaromaticshrubs，andIhavehadaverylargejessamine，somehoneysuckle，andSpanishbroomstransplantedthere，sothatsomedaytherockwillbeentirelycoveredwithclimbingplants。Thewildvinehasalreadytakenrootthere。Butwinterdrawsnear，andallthisgreeneryisfadedlikeapieceofoldtapestry。InthisspotIamnevermolested；itisunderstoodthathereIwishtobealone。ItisnamedLouise’sseat——aproof，isitnot，thateveninsolitudeIamnotalonehere？
IfItellyouallthesedetails，toyousopaltry，andtrytodescribethevisionofgreenwithwhichmypropheticgazeclothesthisbarerock——onwhichtopsomefreakofnaturehassetupamagnificentparasolpine——itisbecauseinallthisIhavefoundanemblemtowhichIcling。
Itwaswhileyourblessedlotwasfillingmewithjoyand——mustI
confessit？——withbitterenvytoo，thatIfeltthefirstmovementofmychildwithin，andthismysteryofphysicallifereactedupontheinnerrecessesofmysoul。Thisindefinablesensation，whichpartakesofthenatureatonceofawarning，adelight，apain，apromise，andafulfilment；thisjoy，whichisminealone，unsharedbymortal，thiswonderofwonders，haswhisperedtomethatonedaythisrockshallbeacarpetofflowers，resoundingtothemerrylaughterofchildren，thatIshallatlastbeblessedamongwomen，andfrommeshallspringforthfountainsoflife。NowIknowwhatIhavelivedfor!Thusthefirstcertaintyofbearingwithinmeanotherlifebroughthealingtomywounds。Ajoythatbeggarsdescriptionhascrownedformethoselongdaysofsacrifice，inwhichLouishadalreadyfoundhis。
Sacrifice!Isaidtomyself，howfardoesitexcelpassion!Whatpleasurehasrootssodeepasonewhichisnotpersonalbutcreative？
IsnotthespiritofSacrificeapowermightierthananyofitsresults？Isitnotthatmysterious，tirelessdivinity，whohidesbeneathinnumerablespheresinanunexploredcentre，throughwhichallworldsinturnmustpass？Sacrifice，solitaryandsecret，richinpleasuresonlytastedinsilence，whichnonecanguessat，andnoprofaneeyehaseverseen；Sacrifice，jealousGodandtyrant，Godofstrengthandvictory，exhaustlessspringwhich，partakingoftheveryessenceofallthatexists，canbynoexpenditurebedrainedbelowitsownlevel；——Sacrifice，thereisthekeynoteofmylife。
Foryou，Louise，loveisbutthereflexofFelipe’spassion；thelifewhichIsheduponmylittleoneswillcomebacktomeinever-growingfulness。Theplentyofyourgoldenharvestwillpass；mine，thoughlate，willbebutthemoreenduring，foreachhourwillseeitrenewed。LovemaybethefairestgemwhichSocietyhasfilchedfromNature；butwhatismotherhoodsaveNatureinhermostgladsomemood？
Asmilehasdriedmytears。LovemakesmyLouishappy，butmarriagehasmademeamother，andwhoshallsayIamnothappyalso？
Withslowsteps，then，Ireturnedtomywhitegrange，withthegreenshutters，towriteyouthesethoughts。
Soitis，darling，thatthemostmarvelous，andyetthesimplest，processofnaturehasbeengoingoninmeforfivemonths；andyet——inyourearletmewhisperit——sofaritagitatesneithermyheartnormyunderstanding。Iseeallaroundmehappy；thegrandfather-to-behasbecomeachildagain，trespassingonthegrandchild’splace；thefatherwearsagraveandanxiouslook；theyareallmostattentivetome，alltalkofthejoyofbeingamother。Alas!Ialoneremaincold，andIdarenottellyouhowdeadIamtoallemotion，thoughIaffectalittleinordernottodampthegeneralsatisfaction。ButwithyouI
maybefrank；andIconfessthat，atmypresentstage，motherhoodisamereaffairoftheimagination。
LouiswastothefullasmuchsurprisedasI。Doesnotthisshowhowlittle，unlessbyhisimpatientwishes，thefathercountsforinthismatter？Chance，mydear，isthesovereigndeityinchild-bearing。Mydoctor，whilemaintainingthatthischanceworksinharmonywithnature，doesnotdenythatchildrenwhoarethefruitofpassionateloveareboundtoberichlyendowedbothphysicallyandmentally，andthatoftenthehappinesswhichshonelikearadiantstarovertheirbirthseemstowatchoverthemthroughlife。Itmaybethen，Louise，thatmotherhoodreservesjoysforyouwhichIshallneverknow。Itmaybethatthefeelingofamotherforthechildofamanwhomsheadores，asyouadoreFelipe，isdifferentfromthatwithwhichsheregardstheoffspringofreason，duty，anddesperation!
Thoughtssuchasthese，whichIburyinmyinmostheart，addtothepreoccupationonlynaturaltoawomansoontobeamother。Andyet，asthefamilycannotexistwithoutchildren，Ilongtospeedthemomentfromwhichthejoysoffamily，wherealoneIamtofindmylife，shalldatetheirbeginning。AtpresentIlivealifeallexpectationandmystery，exceptforasickeningphysicaldiscomfort，whichnodoubtservestoprepareawomanforsufferingofadifferentkind。Iwatchmysymptoms；andinspiteoftheattentionsandthoughtfulcarewithwhichLouis’anxietysurroundsme，Iamconsciousofavagueuneasiness，mingledwiththenausea，thedistasteforfood，andabnormallongingscommontomycondition。IfIamtospeakcandidly，I
mustconfess，attheriskofdisgustingyouwiththewholebusiness，toanincomprehensiblecravingforrottenfruit。MyhusbandgoestoMarseillestofetchthefinestorangestheworldproduces——fromMalta，Portugal，Corsica——andtheseIdon’ttouch。ThenIhurrytheremyself，sometimesonfoot，andinalittlebackstreet，runningdowntotheharbor，closetotheTownHall，Ifindwretched，half-putridoranges，twoforasou，whichIdevoureagerly。Thebluish，greenishshadesonthemouldypartssparklelikediamondsinmyeyes，theyareflowerstome；Iforgettheputridodor，andfindthemdelicious，withapiquantflavor，andstimulatingaswine。Mydear，theyarethefirstloveofmylife!YourpassionforFelipeisnothingtothis!SometimesIcanslipoutsecretlyandflytoMarseilles，fullofpassionatelongings，whichgrowmoreintenseasIdrawnearthestreet。Itremblelestthewomanshouldbesoldoutofrottenoranges；IpounceonthemanddevourthemasIstand。Itseemstomeanambrosialfood，andyetI
haveseenLouisturnaside，unabletobearthesmell。ThencametomymindtheghastlywordsofObermanninhisgloomyelegy，whichIwishI
hadneverread，“Rootsslaketheirthirstinfouleststreams。“SinceI
tooktothisdiet，thesicknesshasceased，andIfeelmuchstronger。
Thisdepravityoftastemusthaveameaning，foritseemstobepartofanaturalprocessandtobecommontomostwomen，sometimesgoingtomostextravagantlengths。
Whenmysituationismoremarked，Ishallnotgobeyondthegrounds，forIshouldnotliketobeseenunderthesecircumstances。Ihavethegreatestcuriositytoknowatwhatprecisemomentthesenseofmotherhoodbegins。Itcannotpossiblybeinthemidstoffrightfulsuffering，theverythoughtofwhichmakesmeshudder。