sawhisshouldersshaking，andashecloseditbehindhimIheardhimdistinctlylaughing，tothetuneof-he!he!he!
’Butnowmattersbegantomend。Thatsameeveningmyyoungmasterunexpectedlyarrived。Ibelievehesoonperceivedthatsomethingextraordinaryhadbeengoingoninthefamily。Hewasforsometimeclosetedwiththegovernor，withwhom，Ibelieve，hehadadispute；formyfellow-servant，thelady’smaid，informedmethatsheheardhighwords。
’Ratherlateatnighttheyounggentlemansentformeintohisroom，andaskedmevariousquestionswithrespecttowhathadbeengoingon，andmybehaviourinthechurch，ofwhichhehadheardsomething。ItoldhimallIknewwithrespecttotheintriguesofthetwopriestsinthefamily，andgavehimacircumstantialaccountofallthathadoccurredinthechurch；addingthat，undersimilarcircumstances，Iwasreadytoplaythesamepartoveragain。Insteadofblamingme，hecommendedmybehaviour，toldmeI
wasafinefellow，andsaidhehopedthat，ifhewantedmyassistance，Iwouldstandbyhim：thisIpromisedtodo。BeforeI
lefthim，heentreatedmetoinformhimtheverynexttimeIsawthepriestsenteringthehouse。
’Thenextmorning，asIwasinthecourtyard，whereIhadplacedmyselftowatch，Isawthetwoenterandmaketheirwayupaprivatestairtotheyoungladies’apartment；theywereattendedbyamandressedsomethinglikeapriest，whoborealargebox；I
instantlyrantorelatewhatIhadseentomyyoungmaster。I
foundhimshaving。“IwilljustfinishwhatIamabout，“saidhe，“andthenwaituponthesegentlemen。“Hefinishedwhathewasaboutwithgreatdeliberation；thentakingahorsewhip，andbiddingmefollowhim，heproceededatoncetothedoorofhissisters’
apartment：findingitfastened，heburstitopenatoncewithhisfootandentered，followedbymyself。Therewebeheldthetwounfortunateyoungladiesdownontheirkneesbeforealargefemaledoll，dressedup，asusual，inragsandtinsel；thetwopriestswerestandingnear，oneoneitherside，withtheirhandsuplifted，whilstthefellowwhobroughtthetrumperystoodalittlewaydowntheprivatestair，thedoorofwhichstoodopen；withoutamoment’shesitation，myyoungmasterrushedforward，gavetheimageacutortwowithhishorsewhip-thenflyingatthepriests，hegavethemasoundflogging，kickedthemdowntheprivatestair，andspurnedtheman，boxandimageafterthem-thenlockingthedoor，hegavehissistersafinesermon，inwhichherepresentedtothemtheirfollyinworshippingasillywoodengravenimage，which，thoughithadeyes，couldseenot；thoughithadears，couldhearnot；thoughithadhands，couldnothelpitself；andthoughithadfeet，couldnotmoveaboutunlessitwerecarried。Oh，itwasafinesermonthatmyyoungmasterpreached，andsorryIamthattheFatheroftheFetish，oldMumbo，didnothearit。Theeldersisterlookedashamed，buttheyoungest，whowasveryweak，didnothingbutwringherhands，weepandbewailtheinjurywhichhadbeendonetothedearimage。Theyoungman，however，withoutpayingmuchregardtoeitherofthem，wenttohisfather，withwhomhehadalongconversation，whichterminatedintheoldgovernorgivingordersforpreparationstobemadeforthefamily’sleavingRomeandreturningtoEngland。Ibelievethattheoldgovernorwasgladofhisson’sarrival，andrejoicedattheideaofgettingawayfromItaly，wherehehadbeensoplunderedandimposedupon。Thepriests，however，madeanotherattemptuponthepooryoungladies。
Bytheconnivanceofthefemaleservantwhowasintheirinteresttheyfoundtheirwayoncemoreintotheirapartment，bringingwiththemthefetishimage，whosebodytheypartlystripped，exhibitinguponitcertainsanguinemarkswhichtheyhaddaubeduponitwithredpaint，butwhichtheysaidweretheresultofthelasheswhichithadreceivedfromthehorsewhip。Theyoungestgirlbelievedalltheysaid，andkissedandembracedthedearimage；buttheeldest，whoseeyeshadbeenopenedbyherbrother，towhomshewasmuchattached，behavedwithproperdignity；for，goingtothedoor，shecalledthefemaleservantwhohadarespectforme，andinherpresencereproachedthetwodeceiversfortheirvariousimpudentcheats，andespeciallyforthistheirlastattemptatimposition；
addingthatiftheydidnotforthwithwithdrawandridhersisterandherselfoftheirpresence，shewouldsendwordbyhermaidtoherbrother，whowouldpresentlytakeeffectualmeanstoexpelthem。Theytookthehintanddeparted，andwesawnomoreofthem。
’AttheendofthreedayswedepartedfromRome，butthemaidwhomthepriestshadcajoledremainedbehind，anditisprobablethattheyoungestofourladieswouldhavedonethesamethingifshecouldhavehadherownwill，forshewascontinuallyravingaboutherimage，andsayingsheshouldwishtolivewithitinaconvent；
butwewatchedthepoorthing，andgotheronboardship。Oh，gladwasItoleavethatfetishcountryandoldMumbobehindme!
CHAPTERC
Nothingbutgloom-Sportingcharacter-GoutyTory-Servants’
Club-Politics-Reformadofootman-Peroration-Good-night。
’WEarrivedinEngland，andwenttoourcountryseat，butthepeaceandtranquillityofthefamilyhadbeenmarred，andInolongerfoundmyplacethepleasantonewhichithadformerlybeen；therewasnothingbutgloominthehouse，fortheyoungestdaughterexhibitedsignsoflunacy，andwasobligedtobekeptunderconfinement。ThenextseasonIattendedmymaster，hisson，andeldestdaughtertoLondon，asIhadpreviouslydone。ThereIleftthem，forhearingthatayoungbaronet，anacquaintanceofthefamily，wantedaservant，Iappliedfortheplace，withtheconsentofmymasters，bothofwhomgavemeastrongrecommendation；and，beingapprovedof，Iwenttolivewithhim。
’Mynewmasterwaswhatiscalledasportingcharacter，veryfondoftheturf，uponwhichhewasnotveryfortunate。Hewasfrequentlyverymuchinwantofmoney，andmywageswereanythingbutregularlypaid；nevertheless，Ilikedhimverymuch，forhetreatedmemorelikeafriendthanadomestic，continuallyconsultingmeastohisaffairs。Atlengthhewasbroughtnearlytohislastshifts，bybackingthefavouriteattheDerby，whichfavouriteturnedoutaregularbrute，beingfoundnowhereattherush。Whereupon，heandIhadasolemnconsultationoverfourteenglassesofbrandyandwater，andasmanycigars-Imean，betweenus-astowhatwastobedone。Hewishedtostartacoach，inwhicheventhewastobedriver，andIguard。Hewasquitecompetenttodriveacoach，beingafirst-ratewhip，andIdaresayIshouldhavemadeafirst-rateguard；but，tostartacoachrequiresmoney，andweneitherofusbelievedthatanybodywouldtrustuswithvehiclesandhorses，sothatideawaslaidaside。WethendebatedastowhetherornotheshouldgointotheChurch；buttogointotheChurch-atanyratetobecomeadeanorbishop，whichwouldhavebeenouraim-itisnecessaryforamantopossesssomeeducation；andmymaster，althoughhehadbeenatthebestschoolinEngland，thatis，themostexpensive，andalsoatCollege，wasalmosttotallyilliterate，sowelettheChurchschemefollowthatofthecoach。Atlast，bethinkingmethathewastolerablyglibatthetongue，asmostpeoplearewhoareaddictedtotheturf，alsoagreatmasterofslang；rememberingalsothathehadacrabbedolduncle，whohadsomeboroughinterest，IproposedthatheshouldgetintotheHouse，promisinginonefortnighttoqualifyhimtomakeafigureinit，bycertainlessonswhichI
wouldgivehim。Heconsented；andduringthenextfortnightIdidlittleelsethangivehimlessonsinelocution，followingtoatittlethemethodofthegreatprofessor，whichIhadpickedup，listeningbehindthedoor。Attheendofthatperiodwepaidavisittohisrelation，anoldgoutyTory，whoatfirstreceivedusverycoolly。Mymaster，however，byflatteringapredilectionofhisforBillyPitt，soonwonhisaffectionssomuchthathepromisedtobringhimintoParliament；andinlessthanamonthwasasgoodashisword。Mymaster，partlybyhisownqualifications，andpartlybytheassistancewhichhehadderived，andstilloccasionallyderived，fromme，cutawonderfulfigureintheHouse，andwasspeedilyconsideredoneofthemostpromisingspeakers；hewasalwaysagoodhandatpromising-heisatpresent，Ibelieve，aCabinetminister。
’Butashegotupintheworldhebegantolookdownonme。I
believehewasashamedoftheobligationunderwhichhelaytome；
andatlast，requiringnofurtherhintsastooratoryfromapoorservantlikeme，hetookanopportunityofquarrellingwithmeanddischargingme。However，ashehadstillsomegrace，herecommendedmetoagentlemanwithwhom，sincehehadattachedhimselftopolitics，hehadformedanacquaintance，theeditorofagrandToryReview。Ilostcasteterriblyamongsttheservantsforenteringtheserviceofapersonconnectedwithaprofessionsomeanasliterature；anditwasproposedattheServants’Club，inParkLane，toejectmefromthatsociety。Theproposition，however，wasnotcarriedintoeffect，andIwaspermittedtoshowmyselfamongthem，thoughfewcondescendedtotakemuchnoticeofme。Mymasterwasoneofthebestmenintheworld，butalsooneofthemostsensitive。Onhisveracitybeingimpugnedbytheeditorofanewspaper，hecalledhimout，andshothimthroughthearm。Thoughservantsareseldomadmirersoftheirmasters，Iwasagreatadmirerofmine，andeagertofollowhisexample。Thedayaftertheencounter，onmyveracitybeingimpugnedbytheservantofLordC-insomethingIsaidinpraiseofmymaster，Ideterminedtocallhimout；soIwentintoanotherroomandwroteachallenge。
ButwhomshouldIsenditby？SeveralservantstowhomIappliedrefusedtobethebearersofit；theysaidIhadlostcaste，andtheycouldnotthinkofgoingoutwithme。AtlengththeservantoftheDukeofB-consentedtotakeit；buthemademetounderstandthat，thoughhewentoutwithme，hedidsomerelybecausehedespisedtheWhiggishprinciplesofLordC-’sservant，andthatifIthoughtheintendedtoassociatewithmeIshouldbemistaken。Politics，Imusttellyou，atthattimeranashighamongsttheservantsasthegentlemen，theservants，however，beingalmostinvariablyopposedtothepoliticsoftheirrespectivemasters，thoughbothpartiesagreedinonepoint，thescoutingofeverythinglowandliterary，thoughIthink，ofthetwo，theliberalorreformpartywerethemostinveterate。Sohetookmychallenge，whichwasaccepted；wewentout，LordC-’sservantbeingsecondedbyareformadofootmanfromthepalace。Wefiredthreetimeswithouteffect；butthisaffairlostmemyplace；mymasteronhearingitforthwithdischargedme；hewas，asIhavesaidbefore，verysensitive，andhesaidthisduelofminewasaparodyofhisown。Being，however，oneofthebestmenintheworld，onhisdischargingmehemademeadonationoftwentypounds。
’Anditwaswellthathemademethispresent，forwithoutitI
shouldhavebeenpenniless，havingcontractedratherexpensivehabitsduringthetimethatIlivedwiththeyoungbaronet。Inowdeterminedtovisitmyparents，whomIhadnotseenforyears。I
foundthemingoodhealth，and，afterstayingwiththemfortwomonths，Ireturnedagaininthedirectionoftown，walking，inordertoseethecountry。Ontheseconddayofmyjourney，notbeingusedtosuchfatigue，Ifellillatagreatinnonthenorthroad，andthereIcontinuedforsomeweekstillIrecovered，butbythattimemymoneywasentirelyspent。BylivingattheinnIhadcontractedanacquaintancewiththemasterandthepeople，andbecomeaccustomedtoinnlife。AsIthoughtthatImightfindsomedifficultyinprocuringanydesirablesituationinLondon，owingtomylateconnectionwithliterature，IdeterminedtoremainwhereI
was，providedmyserviceswouldbeaccepted。Iofferedthemtothemaster，who，findingIknewsomethingofhorses，engagedmeasapostilion。Ihaveremainedtheresince。Youhavenowheardmystory。
’Stay，youshan’tsaythatItoldmytalewithoutaper-
peroration。Whatshallitbe？Oh，Iremembersomethingwhichwillserveforone。AsIwasdrivingmychaisesomeweeksago，Isawstandingatthegateofanavenue，whichleduptoanoldmansion，afigurewhichIthoughtIrecognised。Ilookedatitattentively，andthefigure，asIpassed，lookedatme；whetheritrememberedmeIdonotknow，butIrecognisedthefaceitshowedmefullwell。
’Ifitwasnottheidenticalfaceofthered-hairedpriestwhomI
hadseenatRome，mayIcatchcold!
’Younggentleman，Iwillnowtakeaspellonyourblanket-younglady，good-night。’
End