SoItookonwithBertha，andIwasgladshewascommon。Iwantedhertobecommon。Iwantedtobecommonmyself。Well，Imarriedher，andshewasn’tbad。Thoseother“pure“womenhadnearlytakenalltheballsoutofme，butshewasallrightthatway。Shewantedme，andmadenobonesaboutit。AndIwasaspleasedaspunch。ThatwaswhatIwanted：awomanwhowantedmetofuckher。SoIfuckedherlikeagoodun。AndIthinkshedespisedmeabit，forbeingsopleasedaboutit，andbringin’herherbreakfastinbedsometimes。Shesortofletthingsgo，didn’tgetmeaproperdinnerwhenIcamehomefromwork，andifIsaidanything，flewoutatme。AndIflewback，hammerandtongs。SheflungacupatmeandItookherbythescruffoftheneckandsqueezedthelifeoutofher。
Thatsortofthing!Butshetreatedmewithinsolence。Andshegotso’sshe’dneverhavemewhenIwantedher：never。Alwaysputmeoff，brutalasyoulike。Andthenwhenshe’dputmerightoff，andIdidn’twanther，she’dcomealllovey-dovey，andgetme。AndIalwayswent。ButwhenIhadher，she’dnevercomeoffwhenIdid。Never!She’djustwait。IfIkeptbackforhalfanhour，she’dkeepbacklonger。AndwhenI’dcomeandreallyfinished，thenshe’dstartonherownaccount，andIhadtostopinsidehertillshebroughtherselfoff，wrigglingandshouting，she’dclutchclutchwithherselfdownthere，an’thenshe’dcomeoff，fairinecstasy。
Andthenshe’dsay：Thatwaslovely!GraduallyIgotsickofit：andshegotworse。Shesortofgotharderandhardertobringoff，andshe’dsortoftearatmedownthere，asifitwasabeaktearingatme。ByGod，youthinkawoman’ssoftdownthere，likeafig。ButItellyoutheoldrampershavebeaksbetweentheirlegs，andtheytearatyouwithittillyou’resick。Self!Self!Self!allself!tearingandshouting!Theytalkaboutmen’sselfishness，butIdoubtifitcanevertouchawoman’sblindbeakishness，onceshe’sgonethatway。Likeanoldtrull!Andshecouldn’thelpit。
Itoldheraboutit，ItoldherhowIhatedit。Andshe’deventry。She’dtrytoliestillandletmeworkthebusiness。She’dtry。Butitwasnogood。Shegotnofeelingoffit，frommyworking。Shehadtoworkthethingherself，grindherowncoffee。Anditcamebackonherlikearavingnecessity，shehadtoletherselfgo，andtear，tear，tear，asifshehadnosensationinherexceptinthetopofherbeak，theveryoutsidetoptip，thatrubbedandtore。That’showoldwhoresusedtobe，somenusedtosay。Itwasalowkindofself-willinher，aravingsortofself-will：
likeinawomanwhodrinks。WellintheendIcouldn’tstandit。Wesleptapart。Sheherselfhadstartedit，inherboutswhenshewantedtobeclearofme，whenshesaidIbossedher。Shehadstartedhavingaroomforherself。
ButthetimecamewhenIwouldn’thavehercomingtomyroom。Iwouldn’t。
`Ihatedit。Andshehatedme。MyGod，howshehatedmebeforethatchildwasborn!Ioftenthinksheconceiveditoutofhate。Anyhow，afterthechildwasbornIleftheralone。Andthencamethewar，andIjoinedup。AndIdidn’tcomebacktillIknewshewaswiththatfellowatStacksGate。
Hebrokeoff，paleintheface。
`AndwhatisthemanatStacksGatelike？’askedConnie。
`Abigbabysortoffellow，verylow-mouthed。Shebullieshim，andtheybothdrink。’
`Myword，ifshecameback!’
`MyGod，yes!Ishouldjustgo，disappearagain。’
Therewasasilence。Thepasteboardinthefirehadturnedtogreyash。
`Sowhenyoudidgetawomanwhowantedyou，’saidConnie，`yougotabittoomuchofagoodthing。’
`Ay!Seemsso!YeteventhenI’dratherhaveherthanthenever-neverones：thewhiteloveofmyyouth，andthatotherpoison-smellinglily，andtherest。’
`Whatabouttherest？’saidConnie。
`Therest？Thereisnorest。Onlytomyexperiencethemassofwomenarelikethis：mostofthemwantaman，butdon’twantthesex，buttheyputupwithit，aspartofthebargain。Themoreold-fashionedsortjustlietherelikenothingandletyougoahead。Theydon’tmindafterwards：
thentheylikeyou。Buttheactualthingitselfisnothingtothem，abitdistasteful。Addmostmenlikeitthatway。Ihateit。Buttheslysortofwomenwhoarelikethatpretendthey’renot。Theypretendthey’repassionateandhavethrills。Butit’sallcockaloopy。Theymakeitup。Thenthere’stheonesthatloveeverything，everykindoffeelingandcuddlingandgoingoff，everykindexceptthenaturalone。Theyalwaysmakeyougooffwhenyou’renotintheonlyplaceyoushouldbe，whenyougooff——Thenthere’sthehardsort，thatarethedeviltobringoffatall，andbringthemselvesoff，likemywife。Theywanttobetheactiveparty——Thenthere’sthesortthat’sjustdeadinside：butdead：andtheyknowit。Thenthere’sthesortthatputsyououtbeforeyoureally“come“，andgoonwrithingtheirloinstilltheybringthemselvesoffagainstyourthighs。
Butthey’remostlytheLesbiansort。It’sastonishinghowLesbianwomenare，consciouslyorunconsciously。Seemstomethey’renearlyallLesbian。’
`Anddoyoumind？’askedConnie。
`Icouldkillthem。WhenI’mwithawomanwho’sreallyLesbian，Ifairlyhowlinmysoul，wantingtokillher。’
`Andwhatdoyoudo？’
`JustgoawayasfastasIcan。’
`ButdoyouthinkLesbianwomenanyworsethanhomosexualmen？’
`Ido!BecauseI’vesufferedmorefromthem。Intheabstract，I’venoidea。WhenIgetwithaLesbianwoman，whethersheknowsshe’soneornot，Iseered。No，no!ButIwantedtohavenothingtodowithanywomananymore。Iwantedtokeeptomyself：keepmyprivacyandmydecency。’
Helookedpale，andhisbrowsweresombre。
`AndwereyousorrywhenIcamealong？’sheasked。
`IwassorryandIwasglad。’
`Andwhatareyounow？’
`I’msorry，fromtheoutside：allthecomplicationsandtheuglinessandrecriminationthat’sboundtocome，soonerorlater。That’swhenmybloodsinks，andI’mlow。Butwhenmybloodcomesup，I’mglad。I’meventriumphant。Iwasreallygettingbitter。Ithoughttherewasnorealsexleft：neverawomanwho’dreally“come“naturallywithaman：exceptblackwomen，andsomehow，well，we’rewhitemen：andthey’reabitlikemud。’
`Andnow，areyougladofme？’sheasked。
`Yes!WhenIcanforgettherest。WhenIcan’tforgettherest，Iwanttogetunderthetableanddie。’
`Whyunderthetable？’
`Why？’helaughed。`Hide，Isuppose。Baby!’
`Youdoseemtohavehadawfulexperiencesofwomen，’shesaid。
`Yousee，Icouldn’tfoolmyself。That’swheremostmenmanage。Theytakeanattitude，andacceptalie。Icouldneverfoolmyself。IknewwhatIwantedwithawoman，andIcouldneversayI’dgotitwhenIhadn’t。’
`Buthaveyougotitnow？’
`LooksasifImighthave。’
`Thenwhyareyousopaleandgloomy？’
`Bellyfulofremembering：andperhapsafraidofmyself。’
Shesatinsilence。Itwasgrowinglate。
`Anddoyouthinkit’simportant，amanandawoman？’sheaskedhim。
`Formeitis。Formeit’sthecoreofmylife：ifIhavearightrelationwithawoman。’
`Andifyoudidn’tgetit？’
`ThenI’dhavetodowithout。’
Againshepondered，beforesheasked：
`Anddoyouthinkyou’vealwaysbeenrightwithwomen？’
`God，no!Iletmywifegettowhatshewas：myfaultagooddeal。I
spoilther。AndI’mverymistrustful。You’llhavetoexpectit。Ittakesalottomakemetrustanybody，inwardly。SoperhapsI’mafraudtoo。I
mistrust。Andtendernessisnottobemistaken。’
Shelookedathim。
`Youdon’tmistrustwithyourbody，whenyourbloodcomesup，’shesaid。
`Youdon’tmistrustthen，doyou？’
`No，alas!That’showI’vegotintoallthetrouble。Andthat’swhymymindmistrustssothoroughly。’
`Letyourmindmistrust。Whatdoesitmatter!’
Thedogsighedwithdiscomfortonthemat。Theash-cloggedfiresank。
`Weareacoupleofbatteredwarriors，’saidConnie。
`Areyoubatteredtoo？’helaughed。`Andherewearereturningtothefray!’
`Yes!Ifeelreallyfrightened。’
`Ay!’
Hegotup，andputhershoestodry，andwipedhisownandsetthemnearthefire。Inthemorninghewouldgreasethem。Hepokedtheashofpasteboardasmuchaspossibleoutofthefire。`Evenburnt，it’sfilthy，’
hesaid。Thenhebroughtsticksandputthemonthehobforthemorning。
Thenhewentoutawhilewiththedog。
Whenhecameback，Conniesaid：
`Iwanttogoouttoo，foraminute。’
Shewentaloneintothedarkness。Therewerestarsoverhead。Shecouldsmellflowersonthenightair。Andshecouldfeelherwetshoesgettingwetteragain。Butshefeltlikegoingaway，rightawayfromhimandeverybody。
Itwaschilly。Sheshuddered，andreturnedtothehouse。Hewassittinginfrontofthelowfire。
`Ugh!Cold!’sheshuddered。
Heputthesticksonthefire，andfetchedmore，tilltheyhadagoodcracklingchimneyfulofblaze。Theripplingrunningyellowflamemadethembothhappy，warmedtheirfacesandtheirsouls。
`Nevermind!’shesaid，takinghishandashesatsilentandremote。
`Onedoesone’sbest。’
`Ay!’Hesighed，withatwistofasmile。
Sheslippedovertohim，andintohisarms，ashesattherebeforethefire。
`Forgetthen!’shewhispered。`Forget!’
Heheldherclose，intherunningwarmthofthefire。Theflameitselfwaslikeaforgetting。Andhersoft，warm，ripeweight!Slowlyhisbloodturned，andbegantoebbbackintostrengthandrecklessvigouragain。
`Andperhapsthewomenreallywantedtobethereandloveyouproperly，onlyperhapstheycouldn’t。Perhapsitwasn’talltheirfault，’
shesaid。
`Iknowit。DoyouthinkIdon’tknowwhatabroken-backedsnakethat’sbeentroddenonIwasmyself!’
Sheclungtohimsuddenly。Shehadnotwantedtostartallthisagain。
Yetsomeperversityhadmadeher。
`Butyou’renotnow，’shesaid。`You’renotthatnow：abroken-backedsnakethat’sbeentroddenon。’
`Idon’tknowwhatIam。There’sblackdaysahead。’
`No!’sheprotested，clingingtohim。`Why？Why？’
`There’sblackdayscomingforusallandforeverybody，’herepeatedwithapropheticgloom。
`No!You’renottosayit!’
Hewassilent。Butshecouldfeeltheblackvoidofdespairinsidehim。
Thatwasthedeathofalldesire，thedeathofalllove：thisdespairthatwaslikethedarkcaveinsidethemen，inwhichtheirspiritwaslost。
`Andyoutalksocoldlyaboutsex，’shesaid。`Youtalkasifyouhadonlywantedyourownpleasureandsatisfaction。’
Shewasprotestingnervouslyagainsthim。
`Nay!’hesaid。`Iwantedtohavemypleasureandsatisfactionofawoman，andInevergotit：becauseIcouldnevergetmypleasureandsatisfactionofherunlessshegothersofmeatthesametime。Anditneverhappened。Ittakestwo。’
`Butyouneverbelievedinyourwomen。Youdon’tevenbelievereallyinme，’shesaid。
`Idon’tknowwhatbelievinginawomanmeans。’
`That’sit，yousee!’
Shestillwascurledonhislap。Buthisspiritwasgreyandabsent，hewasnotthereforher。Andeverythingshesaiddrovehimfurther。
`Butwhatdoyoubelievein？’sheinsisted。
`Idon’tknow。’
`Nothing，likeallthemenI’veeverknown，’shesaid。
Theywerebothsilent。Thenherousedhimselfandsaid：
`Yes，Idobelieveinsomething。Ibelieveinbeingwarmhearted。Ibelieveespeciallyinbeingwarm-heartedinlove，infuckingwithawarmheart。
Ibelieveifmencouldfuckwithwarmhearts，andthewomentakeitwarm-heartedly，everythingwouldcomeallright。It’sallthiscold-heartedfuckingthatisdeathandidiocy。’
`Butyoudon’tfuckmecold-heartedly，’sheprotested。
`Idon’twanttofuckyouatall。Myheart’sascoldascoldpotatoesjustnow。’
`Oh!’shesaid，kissinghimmockingly。`Let’shavethemsauté；es。’
Helaughed，andsaterect。
`It’safact!’hesaid。`Anythingforabitofwarm-heartedness。Butthewomendon’tlikeit。Evenyoudon’treallylikeit。Youlikegood，sharp，piercingcold-heartedfucking，andthenpretendingit’sallsugar。
Where’syourtendernessforme？You’reassuspiciousofmeasacatisofadog。Itellyouittakestwoeventobetenderandwarm-hearted。Youlovefuckingallright：butyouwantittobecalledsomethinggrandandmysterious，justtoflatteryourownself-importance。Yourownself-importanceismoretoyou，fiftytimesmore，thananyman，orbeingtogetherwithaman。’
`Butthat’swhatI’dsayofyou。Yourownself-importanceiseverythingtoyou。’
`Ay!Verywellthen!’hesaid，movingasifhewantedtorise。`Let’skeepapartthen。I’dratherdiethandoanymorecold-heartedfucking。’
Sheslidawayfromhim，andhestoodup。
`AnddoyouthinkIwantit？’shesaid。
`Ihopeyoudon’t，’hereplied。`Butanyhow，yougotobedan’I’llsleepdownhere。’
Shelookedathim。Hewaspale，hisbrowsweresullen，hewasasdistantinrecoilasthecoldpole。Menwereallalike。
`Ican’tgohometillmorning，’shesaid。
`No!Gotobed。It’saquartertoone。’
`Icertainlywon’t，’shesaid。
Hewentacrossandpickeduphisboots。
`ThenI’llgoout!’hesaid。
Hebegantoputonhisboots。Shestaredathim。