NowJohn，beingtoomuchencouragedbythegirlsofwhichIcouldneverbreakthem，cameintothehousethatDecemberevening，witheveryinchofhimfullofatale。Anniesawit，andLizzie，ofcourse；andevenI，inthegloomofgreatevils，perceivedthatJohnwasaloadedgun；butIdidnotcaretoexplodehim。Nownothingprimedhimsohotlyasthis：ifyouwantedtohearallJohnFryhadheard，thesurestofallsurewaystoitwas，topretendnottocareforawordofit。
’IworovertoExefordinthemorning，’Johnbeganfromthechimney-corner，lookingstraightatAnnie；’fortozeealittlecalve，Jan，asuscuddn’tgettheetolavehouzeabout。Meesushavegotaquarevancyvorun，fromwuttherhaveheer’dofthebrade。Nowzitquite，wull’eMissLuzzie，ora’wuntgooonnovurder。
VainelittletaylI’lltull’ee，ifsobetheezitsquite。Wull，asIcoomdownthehill，Izeedasaightofvolksastappingofthero-udwai。Arlon’emwi’
girtgoons，ortwomenoutofdreewi’’em。Rackontherewordreescoreon’em，taksmarlandbegtogatherlaike；lattalounthewomenandchillers；zumonemwi’
matchesblowing，totherswi’flint-lacks。“Wuttbeupnow？“IsaystoBillBlacksmith，ashadknowledgeofme：“betheKingacoomin？Ifherbe，do’eewanttoshutt’un？“
’“Theenotknaw!“saysBillBlacksmith，justthezameasIbeatullinofit：“whai，man，usexpexTamFaggus，andzumonusmanestoshutt’un。“
’“Shutt’unwi’outawarrant!“saysI：“sure’eeknawsbetternorthic，Bill!Amanmayn’tshutttoanotherman，wi’outhaveawarrant，Bill。Warshipzedso，lasttaimeIzeedun，andnothingtothecontrairy。“
’“Haw，haw!Neverfroutaboutthat，“saithBill，zameasIbetullinyou；“ushaswarrantsandwarshipsenow，dreeorvouron’em。Andmorenoradizzenwarranties；
fro’utIknowtocontrairy。Shutt’un，usmanes；andshutt’un，uswill——“Whai，MissAnnie，goodLord，whuttivermaks’eestearso？’
’Nothingatall，John，’ourAnnieanswered；’onlythehorribleferocityofthatmiserableblacksmith。’
’Thatbenaytherherenorthere，’Johncontinued，withsomewrathathisowninterruption：’BlacksmithknawedwhutttheSquirehadbeen；andvearedtolosehisowncustom，ifSquiretuktoshooin’again。ShuttanymanIwouldmyzellasintervaredwi’mytradelaike。“Luckyforthee，“saidBillBlacksmith，“astheebee’stsoshartandfat，Jan。Dreeonusworagooin’toshutt’ee，tilluszeedhowfattheewaz，Jan。“
’“Lornow，Bill!“Ianswered’un，wi’agirtcoldswatuponme：“shuttme，Bill；andmyownwaifeniverdrameofit!’
HereJohnFrylookedroundthekitchen；forhehadneversaidanythingofthekind，Idoubt；butnowmadeitpartofhisdiscourse，fromthinkingthatMistressFrywascome，asshegenerallydid，tofetchhim。
’Wulldonethen，JanVry，’saidthewoman，whohadenteredquietly，butwasonlyouroldMolly。’Wutthandsomemannerstheehastgat，Jan，tospakesowellofthywaifelaike；afterarlthelaifesheleadsthee!’
’Putttheepotonthefire，old’ooman，andbiletheeownbakkon，’Johnansweredher，verysharply：’nobodynoraighttomeddlewi’aman’sbadoomanbuthimzell。
Wull，herewasalltheseheremenawaitin’，zumwi’
harses，zumwi’out；thecommonvolkwi’longgirtguns，andthaquarlitywi’girtbroad-swords。Whoworthere？
Whaylattmezee。ThereworSquireMaunder，’hereJohnassumedhisfullhistoricalkey，’himwi’thepottohisvittle-place；andSirRichardBlewittshakingoverthezaddle，andSquaireSandfordofLee，himwi’thelongnoseandoneeye，andSirGronusBatchildorovertoNineheadCourt，andeversomanymoreon’em，tullinguphowtheywasarlgooin’tobepromoted，forkitchingofTomFaggus。
’“HopetoGod，“saysItomyzell，“poorTomwun’tcoomhereto-day：arlupwithher，if’adoeth：andwhobetheretosuckzade’un？“Markmenow，allthesecharpswasgoodtoshutt’un，ashercoomcrassthewatter；
thewatterbewaideenowthereandstony，butnodeeperthanmyknee-place。
’“Theecas’ngoonovurder，“BillBlacksmithsaithtome：“nawbody’lowedtocrassthevord，untilsuchtimeasFagguscoom；plaiseGodusmaymaksureof’un。“
’“Amen，zobeit，“saysI；“GodknowethIbeneverinanyhurry，andwouldzoonerstopnorgooonmosttaimes。“
’Wi’thatIpulledmyvittlesout，andzatahorsebarck，atin’of’em，andoncommongoodtheywas。
“Won’tushave’unthistaimejust，“saithTimPotter，askeepeththebullthere；“andyetIbezorryfor’un。
Butamanmustkapethelaw，hermust；zobehercanonlylearnit。AndnowpoorTomwillswingashighasthetopsoftheygirthashesthere。“
’“Justtheekitch’unvirst，“saysI；“maisurerope，wi’thebodytomaisureby。“
’“Hurrah!herebeanothernow，“saithBillBlacksmith，grinning；“anothercoomtohelpus。Whatagravegentleman!Awarshipofthepace，atlaste!“
’Foragentleman，onacue-ballhorse，wascomingslowlydownthehillontotherzideofwatter，lookingatusinafriendlyway，andwithalongpapperstandingforththeliningofhiscoatlaike。Horsestappedtodrinkinthewatter，andgentlemanspakto’unkindly，andthentheycoomraightontoussen，andthegentleman’sfaceworsolongandsograve，usveared’aworgooin’toprachetous。
’“Coorto’King’sBench，“saithoneman；“CheckerandPlays，“saithanother；“SpishalCommission，Idoubt，“
saithBillBlacksmith；“backedbytheMayorofTaunton。“
’“AnyJusticeoftheKing’sPeace，goodpeople，tobefoundnearhere？“saidthegentleman，liftinghishattous，andverygraciousinhismanner。
’“Yourhonour，“saithBill，withhishatoffhishead；
“therebesaxorzevenwarshipshere：arlon’emverywise’uns。SquaireMaundertherebethezinnyer。“
’SothegentlemanrodeuptoSquireMaunder，andraisedhiscockedhatinamannerthattooktheSquireoutofcountenance，forhecouldnotdothelikeofit。
’“Sir，“saidhe，“goodandworshipfulsir，Iamheretoclaimyourgoodadviceandvalour；forpurposesofjustice。IholdHisMajesty’scommission，tomaketoceaseanotoriousrogue，whosenameisThomasFaggus。“
Withthatheofferedhiscommission；butSquireMaundertoldthetruth，thathecouldnotradeevenwordsinprint，muchlesswrittenkarakters。*Thentheothermagistratesrodeup，andputtheirheadstogether，howtomeettheLondongentlemanwithoutlossofimportance。Thereworoneof’emascouldradepurtyvair，andhermadeoutKing’smarkuponit：andheboweduponhishorsetothegentleman，andhelaidhishandonhisheartandsaid，“Worshipfulsir，we，ashasthehonourofHisGraciousMajesty’scommission，areentirelyatyourservice，andcraveinstructionsfromyou。“
*LestIseemtounder-ratetheeruditionofDevonshiremagistrates，IventuretooffercopyofaletterfromaJusticeofthePeacetohisbookseller，circa1810
A。D。，nowinmypossession：——
’Sur。
’pleztozenmetheaksrelattingtoA-GUSTUS-PAKS，’——
Ed。ofL。D。
’Thenawavingofhatsbegan，andabowing，andmakingoflegstowananather，sichasnayverworzeedafore；
butnoneof’emarl，forairandbrading，cudcoomanaighthegentlemanwiththelonggraveface。
’“Yourwarshipshavepostedthemenrightwell，“saithhewithanatherbowallround；“surelythatbigroguewillhavenochanceleftamongsomanyvaliantmusketeers。Ha!whatseeIthere，myfriend？Rustinthepanofyourgun!Thatgunwouldnevergooff，sureasIamtheKing’sCommissioner。AndIseeanotherjustasbad；andlo，therethethird!Pardonme，gentlemen，IhavebeensousedtoHisMajesty’sOrdnance-yards。ButIfearthatboldroguewouldridethroughallofyou，andlaughatyourworship’sbeards，byGeorge。“
’“Butwhatshallusdo？“SquireMaunderaxed；“Iveartherebenooilhere。“
’“Dischargeyourpieces，gentlemen，andletthemendothesame；oratleastletustrytodischargethem，andloadagainwithfreshpowder。Itisthefogofthemorninghathspoiledthepriming。Thatrogueisnotinsightyet：butGodknowswemustnotbeasleepwithhim，orwhatwillHisMajestysaytome，ifwelethimsliponcemore？“
’“Excellent，wondrouswellsaid，goodsir，“SquireMaunderansweredhim；“Inevershouldhavethoughtofthatnow。BillBlacksmith，tellallthementobereadytoshootupintotheair，directlyIgivetheword。Now，areyoureadythere，Bill？“
’“Allready，yourworship，“saithBill，salutinglikeasoldier。
’“Then，one，two，dree，andshutt!“criesSquireMaunder，standingupintheironsofhisstirrups。
’Thereupontheyallblazedout，andthenoiseofitwentallroundthehills；withagirtthickcloudarising，andalltheairsmellingofpowder。Beforethecloudwasgonesomuchastenyardsonthewind，thegentlemanonthecue-baldhorseshutsuphisfacelikeapairofnut-cracks，aswideasitwaslongbefore，andouthepullstwogirtpistolslongsideofzaddle，andclap’thonetoSquireMaunder’shead，andtothertoSirRichardBlewitt’s。
’“Handforthyourmoneyandallyourwarrants，“hesaithlikeaclapofthunder；“gentlemen，haveyounowthewittoapprehendTomFaggus？“
’SquireMaundersworesothatheoughttohefined；buthepulledouthispursenonetheslowerforthat，andsodidSirRichardBlewitt。
’“FirstmanIseegotoloadagun，I’llgi’e’unthebullettodoitwith，“saidTom；foryouseeitwashimandnoother，lookingquietlyrounduponallofthem。
Thenherobbedalltherestoftheirwarships，aspleasantasmightbe；andhesaith，“Now，gentlemen，doyourduty：serveyourwarrantsaforeyouimprisonme“；
withthathemadethemgiveupallthewarrants，andhestucktheminthebandofhishat，andthenhemadeabowwithit。
’“Goodmorningtoyourwarshipsnow，andamerryChristmasallofyou!Andthemerrierbothforrichandpoor，whengentlemenseetheiralmsgiving。Lestyoudenyyourselvesthepleasure，Iwillaidyourwarships。
Andtosaveyouthetroubleoffollowingme，whenyourgunsbeloaded——thisismystrawberrymare，gentlemen，onlywithalittlecreamonher。Gentlemenall，inthenameoftheKing，Ithankyou。“
’Allthiswhilehewascastingtheirmoneyamongthepoorfolkbythehandful；andthenhespakkaindlytotheredmare，andworoverthebackofthehillintwozeconds，andbestpartoftwomaileaway，Ireckon，aforeeveragunworloaded。’*
*Thetruthofthisstoryiswellestablishedbyfirst-ratetradition。