第36章
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  ItwasRachel’sturnnowtofeeldepressed。Ashetalkedofwritinghehadbecomesuddenlyimpersonal。Hemightnevercareforanyone;

  allthatdesiretoknowherandgetather,whichshehadfeltpressingonheralmostpainfully,hadcompletelyvanished。

  “Areyouagoodwriter?“sheasked。

  “Yes,“hesaid。“I’mnotfirst-rate,ofcourse;I’mgoodsecond-rate;

  aboutasgoodasThackeray,Ishouldsay。“

  Rachelwasamazed。ForonethingitamazedhertohearThackeraycalledsecond-rate;andthenshecouldnotwidenherpointofviewtobelievethattherecouldbegreatwritersinexistenceatthepresentday,oriftherewere,thatanyonesheknewcouldbeagreatwriter,andhisself-confidenceastoundedher,andhebecamemoreandmoreremote。

  “Myothernovel,“Hewetcontinued,“isaboutayoungmanwhoisobsessedbyanidea——theideaofbeingagentleman。

  HemanagestoexistatCambridgeonahundredpoundsayear。

  Hehasacoat;itwasonceaverygoodcoat。Butthetrousers——

  they’renotsogood。Well,hegoesuptoLondon,getsintogoodsociety,owingtoanearly-morningadventureonthebanksoftheSerpentine。Heisledintotellinglies——myidea,yousee,istoshowthegradualcorruptionofthesoul——callshimselfthesonofsomegreatlandedproprietorinDevonshire。Meanwhilethecoatbecomesolderandolder,andhehardlydarestowearthetrousers。

  Can’tyouimaginethewretchedman,aftersomesplendideveningofdebauchery,contemplatingthesegarments——hangingthemovertheendofthebed,arrangingthemnowinfulllight,nowinshade,andwonderingwhethertheywillsurvivehim,orhewillsurvivethem?

  Thoughtsofsuicidecrosshismind。Hehasafriend,too,amanwhosomehowsubsistsuponsellingsmallbirds,forwhichhesetstrapsinthefieldsnearUxbridge。They’rescholars,bothofthem。

  IknowoneortwowretchedstarvingcreatureslikethatwhoquoteAristotleatyouoverafriedherringandapintofporter。

  Fashionablelife,too,Ihavetorepresentatsomelength,inordertoshowmyherounderallcircumstances。LadyTheoBinghamBingley,whosebaymarehehadthegoodfortunetostop,isthedaughterofaveryfineoldTorypeer。I’mgoingtodescribethekindofpartiesIoncewentto——thefashionableintellectuals,youknow,wholiketohavethelatestbookontheirtables。

  Theygiveparties,riverparties,partieswhereyouplaygames。

  There’snodifficultyinconceivingincidents;thedifficultyistoputthemintoshape——nottogetrunawaywith,asLadyTheowas。

  Itendeddisastrouslyforher,poorwoman,forthebook,asI

  plannedit,wasgoingtoendinprofoundandsordidrespectability。

  Disownedbyherfather,shemarriesmyhero,andtheyliveinasnuglittlevillaoutsideCroydon,inwhichtownheissetupasahouseagent。Heneversucceedsinbecomingarealgentlemanafterall。

  That’stheinterestingpartofit。Doesitseemtoyouthekindofbookyou’dliketoread?“heenquired;“orperhapsyou’dlikemyStuarttragedybetter,“hecontinued,withoutwaitingforhertoanswerhim。

  “Myideaisthatthere’sacertainqualityofbeautyinthepast,whichtheordinaryhistoricalnovelistcompletelyruinsbyhisabsurdconventions。ThemoonbecomestheRegentoftheSkies。

  Peopleclapspurstotheirhorses,andsoon。I’mgoingtotreatpeopleasthoughtheywereexactlythesameasweare。Theadvantageisthat,detachedfrommodernconditions,onecanmakethemmoreintenseandmoreabstractthenpeoplewholiveaswedo。“

  Rachelhadlistenedtoallthiswithattention,butwithacertainamountofbewilderment。Theybothsatthinkingtheirownthoughts。

  “I’mnotlikeHirst,“saidHewet,afterapause;hespokemeditatively;

  “Idon’tseecirclesofchalkbetweenpeople’sfeet。IsometimeswishIdid。Itseemstomesotremendouslycomplicatedandconfused。

  Onecan’tcometoanydecisionatall;one’slessandlesscapableofmakingjudgments。D’youfindthat?Andthenoneneverknowswhatanyonefeels。We’reallinthedark。Wetrytofindout,butcanyouimagineanythingmoreludicrousthanoneperson’sopinionofanotherperson?Onegoesalongthinkingoneknows;

  butonereallydoesn’tknow。“

  AshesaidthishewasleaningonhiselbowarrangingandrearranginginthegrassthestoneswhichhadrepresentedRachelandherauntsatluncheon。HewasspeakingasmuchtohimselfastoRachel。

  Hewasreasoningagainstthedesire,whichhadreturnedwithintensity,totakeherinhisarms;tohavedonewithindirectness;toexplainexactlywhathefelt。Whathesaidwasagainsthisbelief;

  allthethingsthatwereimportantaboutherheknew;hefeltthemintheairaroundthem;buthesaidnothing;hewentonarrangingthestones。

  “Ilikeyou;d’youlikeme?“Rachelsuddenlyobserved。

  “Ilikeyouimmensely,“Hewetreplied,speakingwiththereliefofapersonwhoisunexpectedlygivenanopportunityofsayingwhathewantstosay。Hestoppedmovingthepebbles。

  “Mightn’twecalleachotherRachelandTerence?“heasked。

  “Terence,“Rachelrepeated。“Terence——that’slikethecryofanowl。“

  Shelookedupwithasuddenrushofdelight,andinlookingatTerencewitheyeswidenedbypleasureshewasstruckbythechangethathadcomeovertheskybehindthem。Thesubstantialbluedayhadfadedtoapalerandmoreetherealblue;thecloudswerepink,farawayandcloselypackedtogether;andthepeaceofeveninghadreplacedtheheatofthesouthernafternoon,inwhichtheyhadstartedontheirwalk。

  “Itmustbelate!“sheexclaimed。

  Itwasnearlyeighto’clock。

  “Buteighto’clockdoesn’tcounthere,doesit?“Terenceasked,astheygotupandturnedinlandagain。Theybegantowalkratherquicklydownthehillonalittlepathbetweentheolivetrees。

  Theyfeltmoreintimatebecausetheysharedtheknowledgeofwhateighto’clockinRichmondmeant。Terencewalkedinfront,fortherewasnotroomforthemsidebyside。

  “WhatIwanttodoinwritingnovelsisverymuchwhatyouwanttodowhenyouplaythepiano,Iexpect,“hebegan,turningandspeakingoverhisshoulder。“Wewanttofindoutwhat’sbehindthings,don’twe?——

  Lookatthelightsdownthere,“hecontinued,“scatteredaboutanyhow。

  ThingsIfeelcometomelikelights……Iwanttocombinethem……Haveyoueverseenfireworksthatmakefigures?……Iwanttomakefigures……Isthatwhatyouwanttodo?“

  Nowtheywereoutontheroadandcouldwalksidebyside。

  “WhenIplaythepiano?Musicisdifferent……ButIseewhatyoumean。“

  Theytriedtoinventtheoriesandtomaketheirtheoriesagree。

  AsHewethadnoknowledgeofmusic,RacheltookhisstickanddrewfiguresinthethinwhitedusttoexplainhowBachwrotehisfugues。

  “Mymusicalgiftwasruined,“heexplained,astheywalkedonafteroneofthesedemonstrations,“bythevillageorganistathome,whohadinventedasystemofnotationwhichhetriedtoteachme,withtheresultthatInevergottothetune-playingatall。

  Mymotherthoughtmusicwasn’tmanlyforboys;shewantedmetokillratsandbirds——that’stheworstoflivinginthecountry。

  WeliveinDevonshire。It’stheloveliestplaceintheworld。

  Only——it’salwaysdifficultathomewhenone’sgrownup。I’dlikeyoutoknowoneofmysisters……Oh,here’syourgate——“

  Hepusheditopen。Theypausedforamoment。Shecouldnotaskhimtocomein。Shecouldnotsaythatshehopedtheywouldmeetagain;

  therewasnothingtobesaid,andsowithoutawordshewentthroughthegate,andwassooninvisible。DirectlyHewetlostsightofher,hefelttheolddiscomfortreturn,evenmorestronglythanbefore。

  Theirtalkhadbeeninterruptedinthemiddle,justashewasbeginningtosaythethingshewantedtosay。Afterall,whathadtheybeenabletosay?Heranhismindoverthethingstheyhadsaid,therandom,unnecessarythingswhichhadeddiedroundandroundandusedupallthetime,anddrawnthemsoclosetogetherandflungthemsofarapart,andlefthimintheendunsatisfied,ignorantstillofwhatshefeltandofwhatshewaslike。Whatwastheuseoftalking,talking,merelytalking?

  Itwasnowtheheightoftheseason,andeveryshipthatcamefromEnglandleftafewpeopleontheshoresofSantaMarinawhodroveuptothehotel。ThefactthattheAmbroseshadahousewhereonecouldescapemomentarilyfromtheslightlyinhumanatmosphereofanhotelwasasourceofgenuinepleasurenotonlytoHirstandHewet,buttotheElliots,theThornburys,theFlushings,MissAllan,EvelynM。,togetherwithotherpeoplewhoseidentitywassolittledevelopedthattheAmbrosesdidnotdiscoverthattheypossessednames。

  Bydegreestherewasestablishedakindofcorrespondencebetweenthetwohouses,thebigandthesmall,sothatatmosthoursofthedayonehousecouldguesswhatwasgoingonintheother,andthewords“thevilla“and“thehotel“calleduptheideaoftwoseparatesystemsoflife。Acquaintancesshowedsignsofdevelopingintofriends,forthatonetietoMrs。Parry’sdrawing-roomhadinevitablysplitintomanyothertiesattachedtodifferentpartsofEngland,andsometimesthesealliancesseemedcynicallyfragile,andsometimespainfullyacute,lackingastheydidthesupportingbackgroundoforganisedEnglishlife。Onenightwhenthemoonwasroundbetweenthetrees,EvelynM。toldHelenthestoryofherlife,andclaimedhereverlastingfriendship;oranotheroccasion,merelybecauseofasigh,orapause,orawordthoughtlesslydropped,poorMrs。Elliotleftthevillahalfintears,vowingneveragaintomeetthecoldandscornfulwomanwhohadinsultedher,andintruth,meetagaintheyneverdid。Itdidnotseemworthwhiletopiecetogethersoslightafriendship。

  Hewet,indeed,mighthavefoundexcellentmaterialatthistimeupatthevillaforsomechaptersinthenovelwhichwastobecalled“Silence,ortheThingsPeopledon’tsay。“HelenandRachelhadbecomeverysilent。Havingdetected,asshethought,asecret,andjudgingthatRachelmeanttokeepitfromher,Mrs。Ambroserespecteditcarefully,butfromthatcause,thoughunintentionally,acuriousatmosphereofreservegrewupbetweenthem。Insteadofsharingtheirviewsuponallsubjects,andplungingafteranideawhereveritmightlead,theyspokechieflyincommentuponthepeopletheysaw,andthesecretbetweenthemmadeitselffeltinwhattheysaidevenofThornburysandElliots。Alwayscalmandunemotionalinherjudgments,Mrs。Ambrosewasnowinclinedtobedefinitelypessimistic。Shewasnotsevereuponindividualssomuchasincredulousofthekindnessofdestiny,fate,whathappensinthelongrun,andapttoinsistthatthiswasgenerallyadversetopeopleinproportionastheydeservedwell。Eventhistheoryshewasreadytodiscardinfavourofonewhichmadechaostriumphant,thingshappeningfornoreasonatall,andeveryonegropingaboutinillusionandignorance。Withacertainpleasureshedevelopedtheseviewstoherniece,takingaletterfromhomeashertest:

  whichgavegoodnews,butmightjustaswellhavegivenbad。

  Howdidsheknowthatatthisverymomentbothherchildrenwerenotlyingdead,crushedbymotoromnibuses?“It’shappeningtosomebody:whyshouldn’tithappentome?“shewouldargue,herfacetakingonthestoicalexpressionofanticipatedsorrow。

  howeversinceretheseviewsmayhavebeen,theywereundoubtedlycalledforthbytheirrationalstateofherniece’smind。

  Itwassofluctuating,andwentsoquicklyfromjoytodespair,thatitseemednecessarytoconfrontitwithsomestableopinionwhichnaturallybecamedarkaswellasstable。PerhapsMrs。AmbrosehadsomeideathatinleadingthetalkintothesequartersshemightdiscoverwhatwasinRachel’smind,butitwasdifficulttojudge,forsometimesshewouldagreewiththegloomiestthingthatwassaid,atothertimessherefusedtolisten,andrammedHelen’stheoriesdownherthroatwithlaughter,chatter,ridiculeofthewildest,andfierceburstsofangerevenatwhatshecalledthe“croakingofaraveninthemud。“

  “It’shardenoughwithoutthat,“sheasserted。

  “What’shard?“Helendemanded。

  “Life,“shereplied,andthentheybothbecamesilent。

  Helenmightdrawherownconclusionsastowhylifewashard,astowhyanhourlater,perhaps,lifewassomethingsowonderfulandvividthattheeyesofRachelbeholdingitwerepositivelyexhilaratingtoaspectator。Truetohercreed,shedidnotattempttointerfere,althoughtherewereenoughofthoseweakmomentsofdepressiontomakeitperfectlyeasyforalessscrupulouspersontopressthroughandknowall,andperhapsRachelwassorrythatshedidnotchoose。Allthesemoodsranthemselvesintoonegeneraleffect,whichHelencomparedtotheslidingofariver,quick,quicker,quickerstill,asitracestoawaterfall。HerinstinctwastocryoutStop!butevenhadtherebeenanyuseincryingStop!shewouldhaverefrained,thinkingitbestthatthingsshouldtaketheirway,thewaterracingbecausetheearthwasshapedtomakeitrace。

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