Commendmetothebeautifulwatersamongthesemountains！ThoughI
wasnotoftheirmind:they，beinginveteratelybentongettingdownintothelevelcountry，andIardentlydesiringtolingerwhereIwas。Whatdesperateleapstheytook，whatdarkabyssestheyplungedinto，whatrockstheyworeaway，whatechoestheyinvoked！InonepartwhereIwent，theywerepressedintotheserviceofcarryingwooddown，tobeburntnextwinter，ascostlyfuel，inItaly。But，theirfiercesavagenaturewasnottobeeasilyconstrained，andtheyfoughtwitheverylimbofthewood；
whirlingitroundandround，strippingitsbarkaway，dashingitagainstpointedcorners，drivingitoutofthecourse，androaringandflyingatthepeasantswhosteereditbackagainfromthebankwithlongstoutpoles。Alas！concurrentstreamsoftimeandwatercarriedMEdownfast，andIcame，onanexquisitelyclearday，totheLausanneshoreoftheLakeofGeneva，whereIstoodlookingatthebrightbluewater，theflushedwhitemountainsopposite，andtheboatsatmyfeetwiththeirfurledMediterraneansails，showinglikeenormousmagnificationsofthisgoose-quillpenthatisnowinmyhand-
Theskybecameovercastwithoutanynotice；awindveryliketheMarcheastwindofEngland，blewacrossme；andavoicesaid，’Howdoyoulikeit？Willitdo？’
Ihadmerelyshutmyself，forhalfaminute，inaGermantravellingchariotthatstoodforsaleintheCarriageDepartmentoftheLondonPantechnicon。Ihadacommissiontobuyit，forafriendwhowasgoingabroad；andthelookandmannerofthechariot，asI
triedthecushionsandthesprings，broughtallthesehintsoftravellingremembrancebeforeme。
’Itwilldoverywell，’saidI，rathersorrowfully，asIgotoutattheotherdoor，andshutthecarriageup。
Itravelconstantly，upanddownacertainlineofrailwaythathasaterminusinLondon。Itistherailwayforalargemilitarydepot，andforotherlargebarracks。Tothebestofmyseriousbelief，Ihaveneverbeenonthatrailwaybydaylight，withoutseeingsomehandcuffeddesertersinthetrain。
ItisinthenatureofthingsthatsuchaninstitutionasourEnglisharmyshouldhavemanybadandtroublesomecharactersinit。
But，thisisareasonfor，andnotagainst，itsbeingmadeasacceptableaspossibletowell-disposedmenofdecentbehaviour。
Suchmenareassuredlynottemptedintotheranks，bythebeastlyinversionofnaturallaws，andthecompulsiontoliveinworsethanswinishfoulness。Accordingly，whenanysuchCircumlocutionalembellishmentsofthesoldier’sconditionhaveoflatebeenbroughttonotice，wecivilians，seatedinouterdarknesscheerfullymeditatingonanIncomeTax，haveconsideredthematterasbeingourbusiness，andhaveshownatendencytodeclarethatwewouldrathernothaveitmisregulated，ifsuchdeclarationmay，withoutviolencetotheChurchCatechism，behintedtothosewhoareputinauthorityoverus。
Anyanimateddescriptionofamodernbattle，anyprivatesoldier’sletterpublishedinthenewspapers，anypageoftherecordsoftheVictoriaCross，willshowthatintheranksofthearmy，thereexistsunderalldisadvantagesasfineasenseofdutyasistobefoundinanystationonearth。Whodoubtsthatifwealldidourdutyasfaithfullyasthesoldierdoeshis，thisworldwouldbeabetterplace？Theremaybegreaterdifficultiesinourwaythaninthesoldier’s。Notdisputed。But，letusatleastdoourdutytowardsHIM。
IhadgotbackagaintothatrichandbeautifulportwhereIhadlookedafterMercantileJack，andIwaswalkingupahillthere，onawildMarchmorning。MyconversationwithmyofficialfriendPangloss，bywhomIwasaccidentallyaccompanied，tookthisdirectionaswetooktheup-hilldirection，becausetheobjectofmyuncommercialjourneywastoseesomedischargedsoldierswhohadrecentlycomehomefromIndia。ThereweremenofHAVELOCK’samongthem；thereweremenwhohadbeeninmanyofthegreatbattlesofthegreatIndiancampaign，amongthem；andIwascurioustonotewhatourdischargedsoldierslookedlike，whentheyweredonewith。
IwasnotthelessinterestedasImentionedtomyofficialfriendPanglossbecausethesemenhadclaimedtobedischarged，whentheirrighttobedischargedwasnotadmitted。Theyhadbehavedwithunblemishedfidelityandbravery；but，achangeofcircumstanceshadarisen，which，astheyconsidered，putanendtotheircompactandentitledthemtoenteronanewone。TheirdemandhadbeenblunderinglyresistedbytheauthoritiesinIndia:
but，itistobepresumedthatthemenwerenotfarwrong，inasmuchasthebunglehadendedintheirbeingsenthomedischarged，inpursuanceofordersfromhome。Therewasanimmensewasteofmoney，ofcourse。
Underthesecircumstances-thoughtI，asIwalkedupthehill，onwhichIaccidentallyencounteredmyofficialfriend-underthesecircumstancesofthemenhavingsuccessfullyopposedthemselvestothePagodaDepartmentofthatgreatCircumlocutionOfficeonwhichthesunneversetsandthelightofreasonneverrises，thePagodaDepartmentwillhavebeenparticularlycarefulofthenationalhonour。Itwillhaveshownthesemen，inthescrupulousgoodfaith，nottosaythegenerosity，ofitsdealingwiththem，thatgreatnationalauthoritiescanhavenosmallretaliationsandrevenges。Itwillhavemadeeveryprovisionfortheirhealthonthepassagehome，andwillhavelandedthem，restoredfromtheircampaigningfatiguesbyasea-voyage，pureair，soundfood，andgoodmedicines。AndIpleasedmyselfwithdwellingbeforehand，onthegreataccountsoftheirpersonaltreatmentwhichthesemenwouldcarryintotheirvarioustownsandvillages，andontheincreasingpopularityoftheservicethatwouldinsensiblyfollow。
Ialmostbegantohopethatthehitherto-never-failingdesertersonmyrailroadwouldby-and-bybecomeaphenomenon。
InthisagreeableframeofmindIenteredtheworkhouseofLiverpool-For，thecultivationoflaurelsinasandysoil，hadbroughtthesoldiersinquestiontoTHATabodeofGlory。
Beforegoingintotheirwardstovisitthem，Iinquiredhowtheyhadmadetheirtriumphantentrythere？Theyhadbeenbroughtthroughtherainincartsitseemed，fromthelanding-placetothegate，andhadthenbeencarriedup-stairsonthebacksofpaupers。
Theirgroansandpainsduringtheperformanceofthisgloriouspageant，hadbeensodistressing，astobringtearsintotheeyesofspectatorsbuttoowellaccustomedtoscenesofsuffering。Themenweresodreadfullycold，thatthosewhocouldgetnearthefireswerehardtoberestrainedfromthrustingtheirfeetinamongtheblazingcoals。Theyweresohorriblyreduced，thattheywereawfultolookupon。Rackedwithdysenteryandblackenedwithscurvy，onehundredandfortywretchedsoldiershadbeenrevivedwithbrandyandlaidinbed。
MyofficialfriendPanglossislineallydescendedfromalearneddoctorofthatname，whowasoncetutortoCandide，aningeniousyounggentlemanofsomecelebrity。Inhispersonalcharacter，heisashumaneandworthyagentlemanasanyIknow；inhisofficialcapacity，heunfortunatelypreachesthedoctrinesofhisrenownedancestor，bydemonstratingonalloccasionsthatweliveinthebestofallpossibleofficialworlds。
’InthenameofHumanity，’saidI，’howdidthemenfallintothisdeplorablestate？Wastheshipwellfoundinstores？’
’IamnotheretoasseveratethatIknowthefact，ofmyownknowledge，’answeredPangloss，’butIhavegroundsforassertingthatthestoreswerethebestofallpossiblestores。’
Amedicalofficerlaidbeforeus，ahandfulofrottenbiscuit，andahandfulofsplitpeas。Thebiscuitwasahoneycombedheapofmaggots，andtheexcrementofmaggots。Thepeaswereevenharderthanthisfilth。Asimilarhandfulhadbeenexperimentallyboiledsixhours，andhadshownnosignsofsoftening。Thesewerethestoresonwhichthesoldiershadbeenfed。
’Thebeef-’Ibegan，whenPanglosscutmeshort。
’Wasthebestofallpossiblebeef，’saidhe。
But，behold，therewaslaidbeforeuscertainevidencegivenattheCoroner’sInquest，holdenonsomeofthemenwhohadobstinatelydiedoftheirtreatment，andfromthatevidenceitappearedthatthebeefwastheworstofpossiblebeef！
’ThenIlaymyhanduponmyheart，andtakemystand，’saidPangloss，’bythepork，whichwasthebestofallpossiblepork。’
’Butlookatthisfoodbeforeoureyes，ifonemaysomisusetheword，’saidI。’WouldanyInspectorwhodidhisduty，passsuchabomination？’
’Itoughtnottohavebeenpassed，’Panglossadmitted。
’Thentheauthoritiesoutthere-’Ibegan，whenPanglosscutmeshortagain。
’Therewouldcertainlyseemtohavebeensomethingwrongsomewhere，’saidhe；’butIampreparedtoprovethattheauthoritiesoutthere，arethebestofallpossibleauthorities。’
Ineverheardofanyimpeachedpublicauthorityinmylife，whowasnotthebestpublicauthorityinexistence。
’Wearetoldoftheseunfortunatemenbeinglaidlowbyscurvy，’
saidI。’Sincelime-juicehasbeenregularlystoredandservedoutinournavy，surelythatdisease，whichusedtodevastateit，hasalmostdisappeared？Wastherelime-juiceaboardthistransport？’
Myofficialfriendwasbeginning’thebestofallpossible-’whenaninconvenientmedicalforefingerpointedoutanotherpassageintheevidence，fromwhichitappearedthatthelime-juicehadbeenbadtoo。Nottomentionthatthevinegarhadbeenbadtoo，thevegetablesbadtoo，thecookingaccommodationinsufficientiftherehadbeenanythingworthmentioningtocook，thewatersupplyexceedinglyinadequate，andthebeersour。
’Thenthemen，’saidPangloss，alittleirritated，’Weretheworstofallpossiblemen。’
’Inwhatrespect？’Iasked。
’Oh！Habitualdrunkards，’saidPangloss。
But，againthesameincorrigiblemedicalforefingerpointedoutanotherpassageintheevidence，showingthatthedeadmenhadbeenexaminedafterdeath，andthatthey，atleast，couldnotpossiblyhavebeenhabitualdrunkards，becausetheorganswithinthemwhichmusthaveshowntracesofthathabit，wereperfectlysound。
’Andbesides，’saidthethreedoctorspresent，’oneandall，habitualdrunkardsbroughtaslowasthesemenhavebeen，couldnotrecoverundercareandfood，asthegreatmajorityofthesemenarerecovering。Theywouldnothavestrengthofconstitutiontodoit。’