Therewasbadbloodbetweenthematfirst，saysMrVincent，andthelordHarrycalledfarmerNicholasalltheoldNicksintheworldandanoldwhoremasterthatkeptseventrullsinhishouseandI’llmeddleinhismatters，sayshe。I’llmakethatanimalsmellhell，sayshe，withthehelpofthatgoodpizzlemyfatherleftme。Butoneevening，saysMrDixon，whenthelordHarrywascleaninghisroyalpelttogotodinnerafterwinningaboatracehehadspadeoarsforhimselfbutthefirstruleofthecoursewasthattheothersweretorowwithpitchforkshediscoveredinhimselfawonderfullikenesstoabullandonpickingupablackthumbedchapbookthathekeptinthepantryhefoundsureenoughthathewasalefthandeddescendantofthefamouschampionbulloftheRomans，BosBovum，whichisgoodbogLatinforbossoftheshow。Afterthat，saysMrVincent，thelordHarryputhisheadintoacow’sdrinkingtroughinthepresenceofallhiscourtiersandpullingitoutagaintoldthemallhisnewname。
Then，withthewaterrunningoffhim，hegotintoanoldsmockandskirtthathadbelongedtohisgrandmotherandboughtagrammarofthebull’slanguagetostudybuthecouldneverlearnawordofitexceptthefirstpersonalpronounwhichhecopiedoutbigandgotoffbyheartandifeverhewentoutforawalkhefilledhispocketswithchalktowriteituponwhattookhisfancy，thesideofarockorateahousetableorabaleofcottonoracorkfloat。InshortheandthebullofIrelandweresoonasfastfriendsasanarseandashirt。Theywere，saysMrStephen，andtheendwasthatthemenoftheisland，seeingnohelpwastowardastheungratewomenwereallofonemind，madeawherryraft，loadedthemselvesandtheirbundlesofchattelsonshipboard，setallmastserect，mannedtheyards，sprangtheirluff，heavedto，spreadthreesheetsinthewind，putherheadbetweenwindandwater，weighedanchor，portedherhelm，ranupthejollyRoger，gavethreetimesthree，letthebullginerun，pushedoffintheirbumboatandputtoseatorecoverthemainofAmerica。Whichwastheoccasion，saysMrVincent，ofthecomposingbyaboatswainofthatrollickingchanty：PopePeter’sbutapissabed。
Aman’samanfora’that。Ourworthyacquaintance，MrMalachiMulligan，nowappearedinthedoorwayasthestudentswerefinishingtheirapologueaccompaniedwithafriendwhomhehadjustrencountered，ayounggentleman，hisnameAlecBannon，whohadlatecometotown，itbeinghisintentiontobuyacolouroracornetcyinthefenciblesandlistforthewars。MrMulliganwascivilenoughtoexpresssomerelishofitallthemoreasitjumpedwithaprojectofhisownforthecureoftheveryevilthathadbeentouchedon。WhereathehandedroundtothecompanyasetofpasteboardcardswhichhehadhadprintedthatdayatMrQuinnell’sbearingalegendprintedinfairitalics：MrMalachiMulligan，FertiliserandIncubator，LambayIsland。Hisproject，ashewentontoexpound，wastowithdrawfromtheroundofidlepleasuressuchasformthechiefbusinessofsirFoplingPopinjayandsirMilksopQuidnuncintownandtodevotehimselftothenoblesttaskforwhichourbodilyorganismhasbeenframed。Well，letushearofit，goodmyfriend，saidMrDixon。Imakenodoubtitsmacksofwenching。Come，beseated，both。’Tisascheapsittingasstanding。MrMulliganacceptedoftheinvitationand，expatiatingonhisdesign，toldhishearersthathehadbeenledintothisthoughtbyaconsiderationofthecausesofsterility，boththeinhibitoryandtheprohibitory，whethertheinhibitioninitsturnwereduetoconjugalvexationsortoaparsimonyofthebalanceaswellaswhethertheprohibitionproceededfromdefectscongenitalorfromproclivitiesacquired。Itgrievedhimplaguily，hesaid，toseethenuptialcouchdefraudedofitsdearestpledges：andtoreflectuponsomanyagreeablefemaleswithrichjointures，apreyforthevilestbonzes，whohidetheirflambeauunderabushelinanuncongenialcloisterorlosetheirwomanlybloomintheembracesofsomeunaccountablemuskinwhentheymightmultiplytheinletsofhappiness，sacrificingtheinestimablejeweloftheirsexwhenahundredprettyfellowswereathandtocaress，this，heassuredthem，madehisheartweep。Tocurbthisinconveniencewhichheconcludedduetoasuppressionoflatentheat，havingadvisedwithcertaincounsellorsofworthandinspectedintothismatter，hehadresolvedtopurchaseinfeesimpleforeverthefreeholdofLambayislandfromitsholder，lordTalbotdeMalahide，aTorygentlemanofnotmuchinfavourwithourascendancyparty。HeproposedtosetupthereanationalfertilisingfarmtobenamedOmphaloswithanobeliskhewnanderectedafterthefashionofEgyptandtoofferhisdutifulyeomanservicesforthefecundationofanyfemaleofwhatgradeoflifesoeverwhoshouldtheredirecttohimwiththedesireoffulfillingthefunctionsofhernatural。Moneywasnoobject，hesaid，norwouldhetakeapennyforhispains。Thepoorestkitchenwenchnolessthantheopulentladyoffashion，ifsobetheirconstructions，andtheirtemperswerewarmpersuadersfortheirpetitions，wouldfindinhimtheirman。Forhisnutrimentheshewedhowhewouldfeedhimselfexclusivelyuponadietofsavourytuberclesandfishandconeysthere，thefleshoftheselatterprolificrodentsbeinghighlyrecommendedforhispurpose，bothbroiledandstewedwithabladeofmaceandapodortwoofcapsicumchillies。AfterthishomilywhichhedeliveredwithmuchwarmthofasseverationMrMulliganinatriceputofffromhishatakerchiefwithwhichhehadshieldedit。Theboth，itseems，hadbeenovertakenbytherainandforalltheirmendingtheirpacehadtakenwater，asmightbeobservedbyMrMulligan’ssmallclothesofahoddengreywhichwasnowsomewhatpiebald。
HisprojectmeanwhilewasveryfavourablyentertainedbyhisauditorsandwonheartyeulogiesfromallthoughMrDixonofMary’sexceptedtoit，askingwithafinickingairdidhepurposealsotocarrycoalstoNewcastle。
MrMulliganhowevermadecourttothescholarlybyanaptquotationfromtheclassicswhichasitdweltuponhismemoryseemedtohimasoundandtastefulsupportofhiscontention：Talisactantadepravatiohujusseculi，Oquirites，utmatresfamiliarumnostrolascivascujuslibetsemivirilibicititillationestestibusponderosisatqueexcelsiserectionibuscenturionumRomanorummagnopereanteponunt：whileforthoseofruderwithedrovehomehispointbyanalogiesoftheanimalkingdommoresuitabletotheirstomach，thebuckanddoeoftheforestglade，thefarmyarddrakeandduck。
Valuinghimselfnotalittleuponhiselegance，beingindeedapropermanofhisperson，thistalkativenowappliedhimselftohisdresswithanimadversionsofsomeheatuponthesuddenwhimsyoftheatmosphericswhilethecompanylavishedtheirencomiumsupontheprojecthehadadvanced。
Theyounggentleman，hisfriend，overjoyedashewasatapassagethathadbefallenhim，couldnotforbeartotellithisnearestneighbour。MrMulligan，nowperceivingthetable，askedforwhomwerethoseloavesandfishesand，seeingthestranger，hemadehimacivilbowandsaid，Pray，sir，wasyouinneedofanyprofessionalassistancewecouldgive？Who，uponhisoffer，thankedhimveryheartily，thoughpreservinghisproperdistance，andrepliedthathewascomethereaboutalady，nowaninmateofHorne’shouse，thatwasinaninterestingcondition，poorlady，fromwoman’swoeandherehefetchedadeepsightoknowifherhappinesshadyettakenplace。MrDixon，toturnthetable，tookontoaskMrMulliganhimselfwhetherhisincipientventripotence，uponwhichheralliedhim，betokenedanovoblasticgestationintheprostaticutricleormalewomborwasdueaswiththenotedphysician，MrAustinMeldon，toawolfinthestomach。ForanswerMrMulligan，inagaleoflaughterathissmalls，smotehimselfbravelybelowthediaphragm，exclaimingwithanadmirabledrollmimicofMotherGroganthemostexcellentcreatureofhersexthough’tispityshe’satrollop：There’sabellythatneverboreabastard。
Thiswassohappyaconceitthatitrenewedthestormsofmirthandthrewthewholeroomintothemostviolentagitationsofdelight。Thespryrattlehadrunoninthesameveinofmimicrybutforsomelarumintheantechamber。
Herethelistener，whowasnoneotherthantheScotchstudent，alittlefumeofafellow，blondastow，congratulatedintheliveliestfashionwiththeyounggentlemanand，interruptingthenarrativeatasalientpoint，havingdesiredhisvisaviswithapolitebecktohavetheobligingnesstopasshimaflagonofcordialwatersatthesametimebyaquestioningposeoftheheadawholecenturyofpolitebreedinghadnotachievedsoniceagesturetowhichwasunitedanequivalentbutcontrarybalanceofthehead，askedthenarratorasplainlyaswaseverdoneinwordsifhemighttreathimwithacupofit。Maisbiensû；r，noblestranger，saidhecheerily，etmillecompliments。Thatyoumayandveryopportunely。Therewantednothingbutthiscuptocrownmyfelicity。
But，graciousheaven，wasIleftwithbutacrustinmywalletandacupfulofwaterfromthewell，myGod，IwouldacceptofthemandfinditinmyhearttokneeldownuponthegroundandgivethankstothepowersaboveforthehappinessvouchsafedmebytheGiverofgoodthings。Withthesewordsheapproachedthegoblettohislips，tookacomplacentdraughtofthecordial，slickedhishairand，openinghisbosom，outpoppedalocketthathungfromasilkribandthatverypicturewhichhehadcherishedeversinceherhandhadwrotetherein。Gazinguponthosefeatureswithaworldoftenderness，Ah，Monsieur，hesaid，hadyoubutbeheldherasIdidwiththeseeyesatthataffectinginstantwithherdaintytuckerandhernewcoquettecapagiftforherfeastdayasshetoldmeinsuchanartlessdisorder，ofsomeltingatenderness，’ponmyconscience，evenyou，Monsieur，hadbeenimpelledbygenerousnaturetodeliveryourselfwhollyintothehandsofsuchanenemyortoquitthefieldforever。Ideclare，Iwasneversotouchedinallmylife。GodIthanktheeastheAuthorofmydays！
Thricehappywillhebewhomsoamiableacreaturewillblesswithherfavours。Asighofaffectiongaveeloquencetothesewordsand，havingreplacedthelocketinhisbosom，hewipedhiseyeandsighedagain。BeneficentDisseminatorofblessingtoallThycreatures，howgreatanduniversalmustbethatsweetestofThytyrannieswhichcanholdinthrallthefreeandthebond，thesimpleswainandthepolishedcoxcomb，theloverintheheydayofrecklesspassionandthehusbandofmatureryears。Butindeed，sir，Iwanderfromthepoint。Howmingledandimperfectarealloursublunaryjoys！Maledicity！WouldtoGodthatforesighthadrememberedmetotakemycloakalong！Icouldweeptothinkofit。Then，thoughithadpouredsevenshowers，wewereneitherofusapennytheworse。Butbeshrewme，hecried，clappinghandtohisforehead，tomorrowwillbeanewdayand，thousandthunders，Iknowofamarchanddecapotes，MonsieurPoyntz，fromwhomIcanhaveforalivreassnugacloakoftheFrenchfashionaseverkeptaladyfromwetting。Tut，Tut！criesleFé；condateur，trippingin，myfriendMonsieurMoore，thatmostaccomplishedtravellerIhavejustcrackedahalfbottleavecluiinacircleofthebestwitsofthetown，ismyauthoritythatinCapeHorn，ventrebiche，theyhavearainthatwillwetthroughany，eventhestoutestcloak。A
drenchingofthatviolence，hetellsme，sansblague，hassentmorethanonelucklessfellowingoodearnestposthastetoanotherworld。Pooh！
Alivre！criesMonsieurLynch。Theclumsythingsaredearatasou。
Oneumbrella，wereitnobiggerthanafairymushroom，isworthtensuchstopgaps。Nowomanofanywitwouldwearone。MydearKittytoldmetodaythatshewoulddanceinadelugebeforeevershewouldstarveinsuchanarkofsalvationfor，assheremindedmeblushingpiquantlyandwhisperinginmyearthoughtherewasnonetosnapherwordsbutgiddybutterflies，dameNature，bythedivineblessing，hasimplanteditinourheartandithasbecomeahouseholdwordthatilyadeuxchosesforwhichtheinnocenceofouroriginalgarb，inothercircumstancesabreachoftheproprieties，isthefittestnay，theonly，garment。Thefirst，saidsheandheremyprettyphilosopher，asIhandedhertohertilbury，tofixmyattention，gentlytippedwithhertonguetheouterchamberofmyear，thefirstisabath……butatthispointabelltinklinginthehallcutshortadiscoursewhichpromisedsobravelyfortheenrichmentofourstoreofknowledge。
AmidthegeneralvacanthilarityoftheassemblyabellrangandwhileallwereconjecturingwhatmightbethecauseMissCallanenteredand，havingspokenafewwordsinalowtonetoyoungMrDixon，retiredwithaprofoundbowtothecompany。Thepresenceevenforamomentamongapartyofdebaucheesofawomanenduedwitheveryqualityofmodestyandnotlessseverethanbeautifulrefrainedthehumoroussalliesevenofthemostlicentiousbutherdeparturewasthesignalforanoutbreakofribaldry。Strikemesilly，saidCostello，alowfellowwhowasfuddled。Amonstrousfinebitofcow-flesh！I’llbeswornshehasrendezvousedyou。What，youdog？Haveyouawaywiththem？Gad’sbud。Immenselyso，saidMrLynch。ThebedsidemanneritisthattheyuseintheMaterhospice。Demme，doesnotDoctorO’Garglechuckthenunsthereunderthechin？AsIlooktobesavedIhaditfrommyKittywhohasbeenwardmaidthereanytimethesesevenmonths。