Thespot，wherewehadnowpaused，isthesamethatourfriend
Bunyan-truthfulman，butinfectedwithmanyfantasticnotions-has
designated，intermsplainerthanIliketorepeat，asthemouthof
theinfernalregion。This，however，mustbeamistake；inasmuchasMr。
Smooth-it-away，whileweremainedinthesmokyandluridcavern，
tookoccasiontoprovethatTophethasnotevenametaphorical
existence。Theplace，heassuredus，isnootherthanthecraterof
ahalf-extinctvolcano，inwhichtheDirectorshadcausedforgestobe
setup，forthemanufactureofrailroadiron。Hence，also，isobtained
aplentifulsupplyoffuelfortheuseoftheengines。Whoeverhad
gazedintothedismalobscurityofthebroadcavern-mouth，whenceever
andanondartedhugetonguesofduskyflame-andhadseenthestrange，
half-shapedmonsters，andvisionsoffaceshorriblygrotesque，into
whichthesmokeseemedtowreatheitself-andhadheardtheawful
murmurs，andshrieks，anddeepshudderingwhispersoftheblast，
sometimesformingthemselvesintowordsalmostarticulate-would
haveseizeduponMr。Smooth-it-away’scomfortableexplanation，as
greedilyaswedid。Theinhabitantsofthecavern，moreover，were
unlovelypersonages，dark，smoke-begrimed，generallydeformed，with
mis-shapenfeet，andaglowofduskyrednessintheireyes；asif
theirheartshadcaughtfire，andwereblazingoutoftheupper
windows。Itstruckmeasapeculiarity，thatthelaborersatthe
forge，andthosewhobroughtfueltotheengine，whentheybeganto
drawshortbreath，positivelyemittedsmokefromtheirmouthand
nostrils。
Amongtheidlersaboutthetrain，mostofwhomwerepuffing
cigarswhichtheyhadlightedattheflameofthecrater，Iwas
perplexedtonoticeseveralwho，tomycertainknowledge，had
heretoforesetforthbyrailroadfortheCelestialCity。Theylooked
dark，wild，andsmoky，withasingularresemblance，indeed，tothe
nativeinhabitants；likewhom，also，theyhadadisagreeable
propensitytoill-naturedgibesandsneers，thehabitofwhichhad
wroughtasettledcontortionoftheirvisages。Havingbeenonspeaking
termswithoneofthesepersons-anindolent，good-for-nothingfellow，
whowentbythenameofTake-it-easy-Icalledhim，andinquired
whatwashisbusinessthere。
“Didyounotstart。”saidI，“fortheCelestialCity？”
“That’safact。”saidMr。Take-it-easy，carelesslypuffingsome
smokeintomyeyes。“ButIheardsuchbadaccounts，thatInever
tookpainstoclimbthehill，onwhichthecitystands。Nobusiness
doing-nofungoingon-nothingtodrink，andnosmokingallowed-
andathrummingofchurch-musicfrommorningtillnight！Iwouldnot
stayinsuchaplace，iftheyofferedmehouse-roomandlivingfree。”
“But，mygoodMr。Take-it-easy。”criedI，“whytakeupyour
residencehere，ofallplacesintheworld？”
“Oh。”saidtheloafer，withagrin，“itisverywarmhereabouts，
andImeetwithplentyofoldacquaintances，andaltogetherthe
placesuitsme。Ihopetoseeyoubackagain，somedaysoon。A
pleasantjourneytoyou！”
Whilehewasspeaking，thebelloftheenginerang，andwedashed
away，afterdroppingafewpassengers，butreceivingnonewones。
RattlingonwardthroughtheValley，weweredazzledwiththe
fiercelygleaminggas-lamps，asbefore。Butsometimes，inthedark
ofintensebrightness，grimfaces，thatboretheaspectandexpression
ofindividualsins，orevilpassions，seemedtothrustthemselves
throughtheveiloflight，glaringuponus，andstretchingfortha
greatduskyhand，asiftoimpedeourprogress。Ialmostthought，that
theyweremyownsinsthatappalledmethere。Thesewerefreaksof
imagination-nothingmore，certainly-meredelusions，whichIoughtto
beheartilyashamedof-but，allthroughtheDarkValley，Iwas
tormented，andpestered，anddolefullybewildered，withthesame
kindofwakingdreams。Themephiticgasesofthatregionintoxicate
thebrain。Asthelightofnaturalday，however，begantostruggle
withtheglowofthelanterns，thesevainimaginationslosttheir
vividness，andfinallyvanishedwiththefirstrayofsunshinethat
greetedourescapefromtheValleyoftheShadowofDeath。Erewe
hadgoneamilebeyondit，Icouldwellnighhavetakenmyoath，
thatthiswholegloomypassagewasadream。
AttheendoftheValley，asJohnBunyanmentions，isacavern，
where，inhisdays，dwelttwocruelgiants，PopeandPagan，whohad
strewnthegroundabouttheirresidencewiththebonesof
slaughteredpilgrims。Thesevileoldtroglodytesarenolonger
there；butintheirdesertedcaveanotherterriblegianthasthrust
himself，andmakesithisbusinesstoseizeuponhonesttravellers，
andfatthemforhistablewithplentifulmealsofsmoke，mist，
moonshine，rawpotatoes，andsaw-dust。HeisaGermanbybirth，andis
calledGiantTranscendentalist；butastohisform，hisfeatures，
hissubstance，andhisnaturegenerally，itisthechiefpeculiarity
ofthishugemiscreant，thatneitherheforhimself，noranybodyfor
him，haseverbeenabletodescribethem。Aswerushedbythecavern’s
mouth，wecaughtahastyglimpseofhim，lookingsomewhatlikean
ill-proportionedfigure，butconsiderablymorelikeaheapoffog
andduskiness。Heshoutedafterusbutinsostrangeaphraseology，
thatweknewnotwhathemeant，norwhethertobeencouragedor
affrighted。
Itwaslateintheday，whenthetrainthunderedintotheancient
cityofVanity，whereVanityFairisstillattheheightof
prosperity，andexhibitsanepitomeofwhateverisbrilliant，gay，and
fascinating，beneaththesun。AsIpurposedtomakeaconsiderable
stayhere，itgratifiedmetolearnthatthereisnolongerthewant
ofharmonybetweenthetownspeopleandpilgrims，whichimpelledthe
formertosuchlamentablymistakenmeasuresasthepersecutionof
Christian，andthefierymartyrdomofFaithful。Onthecontrary，as
thenewrailroadbringswithitgreattradeandaconstantinfluxof
strangers，thelordofVanityFairisitschiefpatron，andthe
capitalistsofthecityareamongthelargeststockholders。Many
passengersstoptotaketheirpleasureormaketheirprofitinthe
Fair，insteadofgoingonwardtotheCelestialCity。Indeed，such
arethecharmsoftheplace，thatpeopleoftenaffirmittobethe
trueandonlyheaven；stoutlycontendingthatthereisnoother，
thatthosewhoseekfurtheraremeredreamers，andthat，ifthefabled
brightnessoftheCelestialCitylaybutabaremilebeyondthe
gatesofVanity，theywouldnotbefoolsenoughtogothither。Without
subscribingtothese，perhaps，exaggeratedencomiums，Icantrulysay，
thatmyabodeinthecitywasmainlyagreeable，andmyintercourse
withtheinhabitantsproductiveofmuchamusementandinstruction。
Beingnaturallyofaseriousturn，myattentionwasdirectedtothe
solidadvantagesderivablefromaresidencehere，ratherthantothe
effervescentpleasures，whicharethegrandobjectwithtoomany
visitants。TheChristianreader，ifhehavenoaccountsofthecity
laterthanBunyan’stime，willbesurprisedtohearthatalmost
everystreethasitschurch，andthatthereverendclergyare
nowhereheldinhigherrespectthanatVanityFair。Andwelldothey
deservesuchhonorableestimation；forthemaximsofwisdomandvirtue
whichfallfromtheirlips，comefromasdeepaspiritualsource，
andtendtoasloftyareligiousaim，asthoseofthesagest
philosophersofold。Injustificationofthishighpraise，Ineedonly
mentionthenamesoftheRev。Mr。Shallow-deep；theRev。Mr。
Stumble-at-Truth；thatfineoldclericalcharacter，theRev。Mr。
This-to-day，whoexpectsshortlytoresignhispulpittotheRev。
Mr。That-to-morrow；togetherwiththeRev。Mr。Bewilderment；the
Rev。Mr。Clog-the-spirit；and，lastandgreatest，theRev。Dr。
Wind-of-doctrine。Thelaborsoftheseeminentdivinesareaidedby
thoseofinnumerablelecturers，whodiffusesuchavariousprofundity，
inallsubjectsofhumanorcelestialscience，thatanymanmay
acquireanomnigenouserudition，withoutthetroubleofeven
learningtoread。Thusliteratureisetherealizedbyassumingfor
itsmediumthehumanvoice；andknowledge，depositingallits
heavierparticles-except，doubtless，itsgold-becomesexhaledintoa
sound，whichforthwithstealsintotheever-openearofthecommunity。
Theseingeniousmethodsconstituteasortofmachinery，bywhich
thoughtandstudyaredonetoeveryperson’shand，withouthisputting
himselftotheslightestinconvenienceinthematter。Thereisanother
speciesofmachineforthewholesalemanufactureofindividual
morality。Thisexcellentresultiseffectedbysocietiesforall
mannerofvirtuouspurposes；withwhichamanhasmerelytoconnect
himself，throwing，asitwere，hisquotaofvirtueintothecommon
stock；andthepresidentanddirectorswilltakecarethatthe
aggregateamountbewellapplied。Allthese，andotherwonderful
improvementsinethics，religion，andliterature，beingmadeplain
tomycomprehension，bytheingeniousMr。Smooth-it-away，inspired
mewithavastadmirationofVanityFair。
Itwouldfillavolume，inanageofpamphlets，wereItorecord
allmyobservationsinthisgreatcapitalofhumanbusinessand
pleasure。Therewasanunlimitedrangeofsociety-thepowerful，the
wise，thewitty，andthefamousineverywalkoflife-princes，
presidents，poets，generals，artists，actors，andphilanthropists，all
makingtheirownmarketattheFair，anddeemingnopricetoo
exorbitantforsuchcommoditiesashittheirfancy。Itwaswell
worthone’swhile，evenifhehadnoideaofbuyingorselling，to
loiterthroughthebazaars，andobservethevarioussortsoftraffic
thatweregoingforward。
Someofthepurchasers，Ithought，madeveryfoolishbargains。
Forinstance，ayoungmanhavinginheritedasplendidfortune，laid
outaconsiderableportionofitinthepurchaseofdiseases，and
finallyspentalltherestforaheavylotofrepentanceandasuitof
rags。Averyprettygirlbarteredaheartasclearascrystal，and
whichseemedhermostvaluablepossession，foranotherjewelofthe
samekind，butsowornanddefacedastobeutterlyworthless。In
oneshop，therewereagreatmanycrownsoflaurelandmyrtle，which
soldiers，authors，statesmen，andvariousotherpeople，pressed
eagerlytobuy；somepurchasedthesepaltrywreathswiththeir
lives；othersbyatoilsomeservitudeofyears；andmanysacrificed
whateverwasmostvaluable，yetfinallyslunkawaywithoutthe
crown。Therewasasortofstockorscrip，calledConscience，which
seemedtobeingreatdemand，andwouldpurchasealmostanything。
Indeed，fewrichcommoditiesweretobeobtainedwithoutpayinga
heavysuminthisparticularstock，andaman’sbusinesswasseldom
verylucrative，unlessheknewpreciselywhenandhowtothrowhis
hoardofConscienceintothemarket。Yetasthisstockwastheonly
thingofpermanentvalue，whoeverpartedwithitwassuretofind
himselfaloser，inthelongrun。Severalofthespeculationswere
ofaquestionablecharacter。Occasionally，amemberofCongress
recruitedhispocketbythesaleofhisconstituents；andIwas
assuredthatpublicofficershaveoftensoldtheircountryatvery
moderateprices。Thousandssoldtheirhappinessforawhim。Gilded
chainswereingreatdemand，andpurchasedwithalmostany
sacrifice。Intruth，thosewhodesired，accordingtotheoldadage，to
sellanythingvaluableforasong，mightfindcustomersalloverthe
Fair；andtherewereinnumerablemessesofpottage，pipinghot，for
suchaschosetobuythemwiththeirbirthrights。Afewarticles，
however，couldnotbefoundgenuineatVanityFair。Ifacustomer
wishedtorenewhisstockofyouth，thedealersofferedhimasetof
falseteethandanauburnwig；ifhedemandedpeaceofmind，they
recommendedopiumorabrandy-bottle。