第8章
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  ResignationtoGod’swillwasthecommondeviceofthesepeopleinthefaceofeverydutyandeveryemergency。Therewerenobooksinthehouse;Idoubtifeitherofthemhadretainedthecapacityforreadingconsecutivelyformorethanaminuteorso,anditwaswithamazementthatdayafterday,overandabovestalebread,onebeheldfoodandagainmorefoodamidstthelitterthatheldpermanentsessionontheliving-roomtable。

  Onemighthavedoubtedifeitherofthemfeltdiscomfortinthisdustydarknessofexistence,ifitwasnotthattheydidvisiblyseekconsolation。TheysoughtthisandfounditofaSunday,notinstrongdrinkandraving,butinimaginarydraughtsofblood。

  Theymetwithtwentyorthirtyotherdarkenedanduncleanpeople,alldressedindingycoloursthatwouldnotshowthedirt,inalittlebrick-builtchapelequippedwithaspavinedroarerofaharmonium,andtheresolacedtheirmindsonthethoughtthatallthatwasfairandfreeinlife,allthatstruggled,allthatplannedandmade,allprideandbeautyandhonour,allfineandenjoyablethings,wereirrevocablydamnedtoeverlastingtorments。Theyweretheself-appointedconfidantsofGod’smockeryofhisowncreation。Soatanyratetheystickinmymind。Vaguer,andyethardlylessagreeablethanthiscosmicjest,thiscoming“Yah,clever!”andgeneralservingoutand“showingup“ofthelucky,thebold,andthecheerful,wastheirownpredestinationtoGlory。

  “ThereisaFountain,filledwithBloodDrawnfromEmmanuel’sVeins。”

  sotheysang。Ihearthedroneandwheezeofthathymnnow。I

  hatedthemwiththebitteruncharitablecondemnationofboyhood,andatwingeofthathatecomesbacktome。AsIwritethewords,thesoundsandthenthescenereturn,theseobscure,undignifiedpeople,afatwomanwithasthma,anoldWelshmilk-sellerwithatumouronhisbaldhead,whowastheintellectualleaderofthesect,ahuge-voicedhaberdasherwithabigblackbeard,awhite-faced,extraordinarilypregnantwoman,hiswife,aspectacledratecollectorwithabentback。I

  hearthetalkaboutsouls,thestrangebatteredoldphrasesthatwerecoinedagesagointheseaportsofthesun-dryLevant,ofbalmofGileadandmannainthedesert,ofgourdsthatgiveshadeandwaterinathirstyland;Irecallagainthewayinwhichattheconclusionoftheservicethetalkremainedpiousinformbutbecamemedicalinsubstance,andhowthewomengottogetherforobstetricwhisperings。I,asaboy,didnotmatter,andmightoverhear。

  IfBladesoverismykeyfortheexplanationofEngland,IthinkmyinvinciblepersuasionthatIunderstandRussiawasengenderedbythecircleofUncleFrapp。

  IsleptinadingysheetedbedwiththetwoeldersurvivorsofFrappfecundity,andspentmyweekdaysinhelpinginthelaboriousdisorderoftheshopandbakehouse,inincidentaldeliveriesofbreadandsoforth,andinparryingtheprobingsofmyuncleintomyrelationswiththeBlood,andhisconfidentialexplanationsthattenshillingsaweek——whichwaswhatmymotherpaidhim——wasnotenoughtocovermyaccommodation。Hewasveryanxioustokeepthat,butalsohewantedmore。Therewereneitherbooksnoranyseatnorcornerinthathousewherereadingwaspossible,nonewspapereverbroughttheclashofworldlythingsintoitsheavenwardseclusion;horrorofitallgrewinmedaily,andwheneverIcouldIescapedintothestreetsandtrampedaboutChatham。Thenewsshopsappealedtomeparticularly。Onesawtheresmudgyillustratedsheets,thePoliceNewsinparticular,inwhichvilelydrawnpicturesbroughthometothedullestintelligenceaninterminablesuccessionofsqualidcrimes,womenmurderedandputintoboxes,buriedunderfloors,oldmenbludgeonedatmidnightbyrobbers,peoplethrustsuddenlyoutoftrains,happyloversshot,vitrioledandsoforthbyrivals。Igotmyfirstglimpseofthelifeofpleasureinfoullydrawnpicturesof“policeraids“onthisandthat。

  InterspersedwiththesesheetswereothersinwhichSloper,theurbanJohnBull,hadhisflingwithginbottleandobeseumbrella,orthekindlyemptyfacesoftheRoyalFamilyappearedandreappeared,visitingthis,openingthat,gettingmarried,gettingoffspring,lyinginstate,doingeverythingbutanything,awonderful,good-meaning,impenetrableraceapart。

  IhaveneverrevisitedChatham;theimpressionithasleftonmymindisoneofsqualidcompression,unlitbyanygleamofamaturercharity。AllitseffectsarrangedthemselvesasantitheticaltotheBladesovereffects。TheyconfirmedandintensifiedallthatBladesoversuggested。Bladesoverdeclareditselftobetheland,tobeessentiallyEngland;Ihavealreadytoldhowitsairyspaciousness,itswidedignity,seemedtothrustvillage,church,andvicarageintocorners,intoasecondaryandconditionalsignificance。Hereonegatheredthecorollaryofthat。SincethewholewidecountryofKentwasmadeupofcontiguousBladesoversandforthegentlefolk,thesurplusofpopulation,allwhowerenotgoodtenantsnorgoodlabourers,ChurchofEngland,submissiveandrespectful,werenecessarilythrusttogether,jostledoutofsight,tofesterastheymightinthisplacethathadthecoloursandeventhesmellsofawell-packeddustbin。Theyshouldbegratefulevenforthat;that,onefelt,wasthetheoryofitall。

  AndIloafedaboutthiswildernessofcrowdeddinginess,withyoung,receptive,wide-openeyes,andthroughtheblessingorcurseofsomefairygodmotherofmine,askingandaskingagain:

  “Butafterall,WHY——“

  IwanderedupthroughRochesteronce,andhadaglimpseoftheStourvalleyabovethetown,allhorriblewithcementworksandfoullysmokingchimneysandrowsofworkmen’scottages,minute,ugly,uncomfortable,andgrimy。SoIhadmyfirstintimationofhowindustrialismmustliveinalandlord’sland。Ispentsomehours,too,inthestreetsthatgiveupontheriver,drawnbythespellofthesea。ButIsawbargesandshipsstrippedofmagicandmostlydevotedtocement,ice,timber,andcoal。Thesailorslookedtomegrossandslovenlymen,andtheshippingstruckmeasclumsy,ugly,old,anddirty。Idiscoveredthatmostsailsdon’tfittheshipsthathoistthem,andthattheremaybeaspitifulandsqualidadisplayofpovertywithavesselaswithaman。WhenIsawcolliersunloading,watchedtheworkersintheholdfillingupsillylittlesacksandthesuccessionofblackened,half-nakedmenthatrantoandfrowiththesealongaplankoverathirty-footdropintofilthandmud,Iwasfirstseizedwithadmirationoftheircourageandtoughnessandthen,“Butafterall,WHY——?”andthestupiduglinessofallthiswasteofmuscleandendurancecamehometome。Amongotherthingsitobviouslywastedanddeterioratedthecoal。AndIhadimaginedgreatthingsofthesea!

  Well,anyhow,foratimethatvocationwasstilled。

  Butsuchimpressionscameintomyleisure,andofthatIhadnoexcess。MostofmytimewasspentdoingthingsforUncleFrapp,andmyeveningsandnightsperforceinthecompanyofthetwoeldestofmycousins。Hewaserrandboyatanoilshopandferventlypious,andofhimIsawnothinguntiltheeveningexceptatmeals;theotherwasenjoyingthemidsummerholidayswithoutanygreatelation;asingularlythinandabject,stuntedcreaturehewas,whosechieflivelinesswastopretendtobeamonkey,andwhoIamnowconvincedhadsomesecretdiseasethatdrainedhisvitalityaway。IfImethimnowIshouldthinkhimapitifullittlecreatureandbeextremelysorryforhim。ThenI

  feltonlyawonderingaversion。Hesniffedhorribly,hewastiredoutbyacoupleofmilesofloafing,heneverstartedanyconversation,andheseemedtopreferhisowncompanytomine。

  Hismother,poorwoman,saidhewasthe“thoughtfulone。”

  Serioustroublecamesuddenlyoutofaconversationweheldinbedonenight。Someparticularlypiousphraseofmyeldercousin’sirritatedmeextremely,andIavowedoutrightmyentiredisbeliefinthewholeschemeofrevealedreligion。Ihadneversaidawordaboutmydoubtstoanyonebefore,excepttoEwartwhohadfirstevolvedthem。IhadneversettledmydoubtsuntilatthismomentwhenIspoke。ButitcametomethenthatthewholeschemeofsalvationoftheFrappeswasnotsimplydoubtful,butimpossible。Ifiredthisdiscoveryoutintothedarknesswiththegreatestpromptitude。

  Myabruptdenialscertainlyscaredmycousinamazingly。

  AtfirsttheycouldnotunderstandwhatIwassaying,andwhentheydidIfullybelievetheyexpectedaninstantanswerinthunderboltsandflames。Theygavememoreroominthebedforthwith,andthentheeldersatupandexpressedhissenseofmyawfulness。Iwasalreadyalittlefrightenedatmytemerity,butwhenheaskedmecategoricallytounsaywhatIhadsaid,whatcouldIdobutconfirmmyrepudiation?

  “There’snohell。”Isaid,“andnoeternalpunishment。NoGodwouldbesuchafoolasthat。”

  Myeldercousincriedaloudinhorror,andtheyoungerlayscared,butlistening。“Thenyoumean。”saidmyeldercousin,whenatlasthecouldbringhimselftoargue,“youmightdojustasyouliked?”

  “Ifyouwerecadenough。”saidI。

  Ourlittlevoiceswentoninterminably,andatonestagemycousingotoutofbedandmadehisbrotherdolikewise,andkneltinthenightdimnessandprayedatme。ThatIfoundtrying,butIheldoutvaliantly。“Forgivehim,“saidmycousin,“heknowsnotwhathesayeth。”

  “Youcanprayifyoulike。”Isaid,“butifyou’regoingtocheekmeinyourprayersIdrawtheline。”

  ThelastIrememberofthatgreatdiscussionwasmycousindeploringthefactthathe“shouldeversleepinthesamebedwithanInfidel!”

  Thenextdayheastonishedmebytellingthewholebusinesstohisfather。Thiswasquiteoutsideallmycodes。UncleNicodemussprangituponmeatthemiddaymeal。

  “Youbeensayin’queerthings,George。”hesaidabruptly。“Youbettermindwhatyou’resaying。”

  “Whatdidhesay,father?”saidMrs。Frapp。

  “ThingsIcouldn’t’repeat。”saidhe。

  “Whatthings?”Iaskedhotly。

  “Ask’IM。”saidmyuncle,pointingwithhisknifetohisinformant,andmakingmerealisethenatureofmyoffence。Myauntlookedatthewitness。“Not——?”sheframedaquestion。

  “Wuss。”saidmyuncle。“Blarsphemy。”

  Myauntcouldn’ttouchanothermouthful。Iwasalreadyalittletroubledinmyconsciencebymydaring,andnowIbegantofeeltheblackenormityofthecourseuponwhichIhadembarked。

  “Iwasonlytalkingsense。”Isaid。

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