Andhere,ImustnotforgetthatIamnotalittleindebtedtohisfriendMrHargrave。AboutthattimehefrequentlycalledatGrass-dale,andoftendinedwithus,onwhichoccasions,Ifear,Arthurwouldwillinglyhavecastprudenceanddecorumtothewindsandmade`anightofit,’asoftenashisfriendwouldhaveconsentedtojoinhiminthatexaltedpastime;
andifthelatterhadchosentocomply,hemight,inanightortwo,haveruinedthelabourofweeks,andoverthrown,withatouch,thefrailbulwarkithadcostmesuchtroubleandtoiltoconstruct。Iwassofearfulofthisatfirst,thatIhumbledmyselftointimatetohiminprivatemyapprehensionsofArthur’spronenesstotheseexcesses,andtoexpressahopethathewouldnotencourageit。Hewaspleasedwiththismarkofconfidence,andcertainlydidnotbetrayit。Onthatandeverysubsequentoccasion,hispresenceservedratherasacheckuponhishost,thananincitementtofurtheractsofintemperance;andhealwayssucceededinbringinghimfromthedining-roomingoodtimeandintolerablygoodcondition;forifArthurdisregardedsuchintimations,as`Well,Imustnotdetainyoufromyourlady,’or`WemustnotforgetthatMrsHuntingdonisalone,’
hewouldinsistuponleavingthetablehimself,tojoinme,andhishost,howeverunwillingly,wasobligedtofollow。
Hence,IlearnedtowelcomeMrHargrave,asarealfriendtothefamily,aharmlesscompanionforArthur,tocheerhisspiritsandpreservehimfromthetediumofabsoluteidlenessandatotalisolationfromallsocietybutmine,andausefulallytome。Icouldnotbutfeelgratefultohimundersuchcircumstances;andIdidnotscrupletoacknowledgemyobligationonthefirstconvenientopportunity;yet,asIdidso,myheartwhisperedallwasnotright,andbroughtaglowtomyface,whichheheightenedbyhissteady,seriousgaze,while,byhismannerofreceivingthoseacknowledgments,hemorethandoubledmymisgivings。Hishighdelightatbeingabletoservemewaschastenedbysympathyformeandcommiserationforhimself——aboutIknownotwhat,forIwouldnotstaytoenquireorsufferhimtounburdenhissorrowstome。Hissighsandintimationsofsuppressedafflictionseemedtocomefromafullheart;buteitherhemustcontrivetoretainthemwithinit,orbreathethemforthinotherearsthanmine:therewasenoughofconfidencebetweenusalready。Itseemedwrongthatthereshouldexistasecretunderstandingbetweenmyhusband’sfriendandme,unknowntohim,ofwhichhewastheobject。Butmyafterthoughtwas,`Ifitiswrong,surelyArthur’sisthefault,notmine。’
Andindeed,Iknownotwhetheratthetime,itwasnotforhimratherthanmyselfthatIblushed;for,sinceheandIareone,Isoidentifymyselfwithhim,thatIfeelhisdegradation,hisfailings,andtransgressionsasmyown;Iblushforhim,Ifearforhim;Irepentforhim,weep,pray,andfeelforhimasformyself;butIcannotactforhim;andhence,I
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