Defunctiinjurianeafficianturwasalawofthetwelvetables，andDemortuisnilnisibonumisanexcellentinjunctionevenifthedeadinquestionbenothingbutdeadsmallbeer。Itisnotmydesign，therefore，tovituperatemydeceasedfriend，TobyDammit。Hewasasaddog，itistrue，andadog’sdeathitwasthathedied；buthehimselfwasnottoblameforhisvices。Theygrewoutofapersonaldefectinhismother。Shedidherbestinthewayofflogginghimwhileaninfantfordutiestoherwellregulatedmindwerealwayspleasures，andbabies，liketoughsteaks，orthemodernGreekolivetrees，areinvariablythebetterforbeatingbut，poorwoman！shehadthemisfortunetobeleft-handed，andachildfloggedleft-handedlyhadbetterbeleftunflogged。Theworldrevolvesfromrighttoleft。Itwillnotdotowhipababyfromlefttoright。Ifeachblowintheproperdirectiondrivesanevilpropensityout，itfollowsthateverythumpinanoppositeoneknocksitsquotaofwickednessin。IwasoftenpresentatToby’schastisements，and，evenbythewayinwhichhekicked，Icouldperceivethathewasgettingworseandworseeveryday。AtlastIsaw，throughthetearsinmyeyes，thattherewasnohopeofthevillainatall，andonedaywhenhehadbeencuffeduntilhegrewsoblackinthefacethatonemighthavemistakenhimforalittleAfrican，andnoeffecthadbeenproducedbeyondthatofmakinghimwrigglehimselfintoafit，Icouldstanditnolonger，butwentdownuponmykneesforthwith，and，upliftingmyvoice，madeprophecyofhisruin。
Thefactisthathisprecocityinvicewasawful。Atfivemonthsofageheusedtogetintosuchpassionsthathewasunabletoarticulate。Atsixmonths，Icaughthimgnawingapackofcards。Atsevenmonthshewasintheconstanthabitofcatchingandkissingthefemalebabies。AteightmonthsheperemptorilyrefusedtoputhissignaturetotheTemperancepledge。Thushewentonincreasingininiquity，monthaftermonth，until，atthecloseofthefirstyear，henotonlyinsisteduponwearingmoustaches，buthadcontractedapropensityforcursingandswearing，andforbackinghisassertionsbybets。
Throughthislattermostungentlemanlypractice，theruinwhichIhadpredictedtoTobyDammitovertookhimatlast。Thefashionhad“grownwithhisgrowthandstrengthenedwithhisstrength。”sothat，whenhecametobeaman，hecouldscarcelyutterasentencewithoutinterlardingitwithapropositiontogamble。Notthatheactuallylaidwagersno。Iwilldomyfriendthejusticetosaythathewouldassoonhavelaideggs。Withhimthethingwasamereformulanothingmore。Hisexpressionsonthisheadhadnomeaningattachedtothemwhatever。Theyweresimpleifnotaltogetherinnocentexpletivesimaginativephraseswherewithtoroundoffasentence。Whenhesaid“I’llbetyousoandso。”nobodyeverthoughtoftakinghimup；butstillIcouldnothelpthinkingitmydutytoputhimdown。Thehabitwasanimmoralone，andsoItoldhim。Itwasavulgarone-thisIbeggedhimtobelieve。Itwasdiscountenancedbysociety
hereIsaidnothingbutthetruth。ItwasforbiddenbyactofCongress
hereIhadnottheslightestintentionoftellingalie。Iremonstrated
buttonopurpose。Idemonstratedinvain。Ientreatedhesmiled。I
imploredhelaughed。Ipreached-hesneered。Ithreatenedheswore。
Ikickedhimhecalledforthepolice。Ipulledhisnoseheblewit，andofferedtobettheDevilhisheadthatIwouldnotventuretotrythatexperimentagain。
PovertywasanothervicewhichthepeculiarphysicaldeficiencyofDammit’smotherhadentaileduponherson。Hewasdetestablypoor，andthiswasthereason，nodoubt，thathisexpletiveexpressionsaboutbetting，seldomtookapecuniaryturn。IwillnotbeboundtosaythatI
everheardhimmakeuseofsuchafigureofspeechas“I’llbetyouadollar。”Itwasusually“I’llbetyouwhatyouplease。”or“I’llbetyouwhatyoudare。”or“I’llbetyouatrifle。”orelse，moresignificantlystill，“I’llbettheDevilmyhead。”
Thislatterformseemedtopleasehimbest；perhapsbecauseitinvolvedtheleastrisk；forDammithadbecomeexcessivelyparsimonious。Hadanyonetakenhimup，hisheadwassmall，andthushislosswouldhavebeensmalltoo。ButthesearemyownreflectionsandIambynomeanssurethatIamrightinattributingthemtohim。Atalleventsthephraseinquestiongrewdailyinfavor，notwithstandingthegrossimproprietyofamanbettinghisbrainslikebank-notes：butthiswasapointwhichmyfriend’sperversityofdispositionwouldnotpermithimtocomprehend。Intheend，heabandonedallotherformsofwager，andgavehimselfupto“I’llbettheDevilmyhead。”withapertinacityandexclusivenessofdevotionthatdispleasednotlessthanitsurprisedme。IamalwaysdispleasedbycircumstancesforwhichIcannotaccount。Mysteriesforceamantothink，andsoinjurehishealth。Thetruthis，therewassomethingintheairwithwhichMr。Dammitwaswonttogiveutterancetohisoffensiveexpressionsomethinginhismannerofenunciationwhichatfirstinterested，andafterwardsmademeveryuneasysomethingwhich，forwantofamoredefinitetermatpresent，Imustbepermittedtocallqueer；butwhichMr。Coleridgewouldhavecalledmystical，Mr。Kantpantheistical，Mr。Carlyletwistical，andMr。Emersonhyperquizzitistical。
Ibegannottolikeitatall。Mr。Dammitssoulwasinaperilousstate。I
resolvedtobringallmyeloquenceintoplaytosaveit。IvowedtoservehimasSt。Patrick，intheIrishchronicle，issaidtohaveservedthetoad，thatistosay，“awakenhimtoasenseofhissituation。”I
addressedmyselftothetaskforthwith。OncemoreIbetookmyselftoremonstrance。AgainIcollectedmyenergiesforafinalattemptatexpostulation。
WhenIhadmadeanendofmylecture，Mr。Dammitindulgedhimselfinsomeveryequivocalbehavior。Forsomemomentsheremainedsilent，merelylookingmeinquisitivelyintheface。Butpresentlyhethrewhisheadtooneside，andelevatedhiseyebrowstoagreatextent。Thenhespreadoutthepalmsofhishandsandshruggeduphisshoulders。Thenhewinkedwiththerighteye。Thenherepeatedtheoperationwiththeleft。Thenheshutthembothupverytight。ThenheopenedthembothsoverywidethatI
becameseriouslyalarmedfortheconsequences。Then，applyinghisthumbtohisnose，hethoughtpropertomakeanindescribablemovementwiththerestofhisfingers。Finally，settinghisarmsa-kimbo，hecondescendedtoreply。
Icancalltomindonlythebeadsofhisdiscourse。HewouldbeobligedtomeifIwouldholdmytongue。Hewishednoneofmyadvice。Hedespisedallmyinsinuations。Hewasoldenoughtotakecareofhimself。DidIstillthinkhimbabyDammit？DidImeantosayanythingagainsthischaracter？
DidIintendtoinsulthim？WasIafool？Wasmymaternalparentaware，inaword，ofmyabsencefromthedomiciliaryresidence？Hewouldputthislatterquestiontomeastoamanofveracity，andhewouldbindhimselftoabidebymyreply。OncemorehewoulddemandexplicitlyifmymotherknewthatIwasout。Myconfusion，hesaid，betrayedme，andhewouldbewillingtobettheDevilhisheadthatshedidnot。
Mr。Dammitdidnotpauseformyrejoinder。Turninguponhisheel，heleftmypresencewithundignifiedprecipitation。Itwaswellforhimthathedidso。Myfeelingshadbeenwounded。Evenmyangerhadbeenaroused。ForonceIwouldhavetakenhimupuponhisinsultingwager。IwouldhavewonfortheArch-EnemyMr。Dammit’slittleheadforthefactis，mymammawasverywellawareofmymerelytemporaryabsencefromhome。
ButKhodashefamid阧edHeavengivesreliefastheMussulmanssaywhenyoutreadupontheirtoes。ItwasinpursuanceofmydutythatIhadbeeninsulted，andIboretheinsultlikeaman。Itnowseemedtome，however，thatIhaddoneallthatcouldberequiredofme，inthecaseofthismiserableindividual，andIresolvedtotroublehimnolongerwithmycounsel，buttoleavehimtohisconscienceandhimself。ButalthoughI
foreboretointrudewithmyadvice，Icouldnotbringmyselftogiveuphissocietyaltogether。Ievenwentsofarastohumorsomeofhislessreprehensiblepropensities；andthereweretimeswhenIfoundmyselflaudinghiswickedjokes，asepicuresdomustard，withtearsinmyeyes：
soprofoundlydiditgrievemetohearhiseviltalk。
Onefineday，havingstrolledouttogether，arminarm，ourrouteledusinthedirectionofariver。Therewasabridge，andweresolvedtocrossit。Itwasroofedover，bywayofprotectionfromtheweather，andthearchway，havingbutfewwindows，wasthusveryuncomfortablydark。Asweenteredthepassage，thecontrastbetweentheexternalglareandtheinteriorgloomstruckheavilyuponmyspirits。NotsouponthoseoftheunhappyDammit，whoofferedtobettheDevilhisheadthatIwashipped。
Heseemedtobeinanunusualgoodhumor。HewasexcessivelylivelysomuchsothatIentertainedIknownotwhatofuneasysuspicion。Itisnotimpossiblethathewasaffectedwiththetranscendentals。Iamnotwellenoughversed，however，inthediagnosisofthisdiseasetospeakwithdecisionuponthepoint；andunhappilytherewerenoneofmyfriendsofthe“Dial“present。Isuggesttheidea，nevertheless，becauseofacertainspeciesofaustereMerry-Andrewismwhichseemedtobesetmypoorfriend，andcausedhimtomakequiteaTom-Foolofhimself。Nothingwouldservehimbutwrigglingandskippingaboutunderandovereverythingthatcameinhisway；nowshoutingout，andnowlispingout，allmannerofoddlittleandbigwords，yetpreservingthegravestfaceintheworldallthetime。Ireallycouldnotmakeupmymindwhethertokickortopityhim。
Atlength，havingpassednearlyacrossthebridge，weapproachedtheterminationofthefootway，whenourprogresswasimpededbyaturnstileofsomeheight。ThroughthisImademywayquietly，pushingitaroundasusual。ButthisturnwouldnotservetheturnofMr。Dammit。Heinsisteduponleapingthestile，andsaidhecouldcutapigeon-wingoveritintheair。Nowthis，conscientiouslyspeaking，Ididnotthinkhecoulddo。Thebestpigeon-wingeroverallkindsofstylewasmyfriendMr。Carlyle，andasIknewhecouldnotdoit，IwouldnotbelievethatitcouldbedonebyTobyDammit。Ithereforetoldhim，insomanywords，thathewasabraggadocio，andcouldnotdowhathesaid。ForthisIhadreasontobesorryafterward；forhestraightwayofferedtobettheDevilhisheadthathecould。
Iwasabouttoreply，notwithstandingmypreviousresolutions，withsomeremonstranceagainsthisimpiety，whenIheard，closeatmyelbow，aslightcough，whichsoundedverymuchliketheejaculation“ahem！”I
started，andlookedaboutmeinsurprise。Myglanceatlengthfellintoanookoftheframeworkofthebridge，anduponthefigureofalittlelameoldgentlemanofvenerableaspect。Nothingcouldbemorereverendthanhiswholeappearance；forhenotonlyhadonafullsuitofblack，buthisshirtwasperfectlycleanandthecollarturnedveryneatlydownoverawhitecravat，whilehishairwaspartedinfrontlikeagirl’s。Hishandswereclaspedpensivelytogetheroverhisstomach，andhistwoeyeswerecarefullyrolledupintothetopofhishead。
Uponobservinghimmoreclosely，Iperceivedthatheworeablacksilkapronoverhissmall-clothes；andthiswasathingwhichIthoughtveryodd。BeforeIhadtimetomakeanyremark，however，uponsosingularacircumstance，heinterruptedmewithasecond“ahem！”
TothisobservationIwasnotimmediatelypreparedtoreply。Thefactis，remarksofthislaconicnaturearenearlyunanswerable。IhaveknownaQuarterlyReviewnon-plussedbytheword“Fudge！”Iamnotashamedtosay，therefore，thatIturnedtoMr。Dammitforassistance。
“Dammit。”saidI，“whatareyouabout？don’tyouhear？thegentlemansays’ahem！’“IlookedsternlyatmyfriendwhileIthusaddressedhim；
for，tosaythetruth，Ifeltparticularlypuzzled，andwhenamanisparticularlypuzzledhemustknithisbrowsandlooksavage，orelseheisprettysuretolooklikeafool。
“Dammit。”observedIalthoughthissoundedverymuchlikeanoath，thanwhichnothingwasfurtherfrommythoughts“Dammit。”Isuggested
“thegentlemansays’ahem！’“
Idonotattempttodefendmyremarkonthescoreofprofundity；Ididnotthinkitprofoundmyself；butIhavenoticedthattheeffectofourspeechesisnotalwaysproportionatewiththeirimportanceinourowneyes；andifIhadshotMr。D。throughandthroughwithaPaixhanbomb，orknockedhimintheheadwiththe“PoetsandPoetryofAmerica。”hecouldhardlyhavebeenmorediscomfitedthanwhenIaddressedhimwiththosesimplewords：“Dammit，whatareyouabout？-don’tyouhear？thegentlemansays’ahem！’“
“Youdon’tsayso？”gaspedheatlength，afterturningmorecolorsthanapiraterunsup，oneaftertheother，whenchasedbyaman-of-war。“Areyouquitesurehesaidthat？Well，atalleventsIaminforitnow，andmayaswellputaboldfaceuponthematter。Heregoes，thenahem！”
AtthisthelittleoldgentlemanseemedpleasedGodonlyknowswhy。Helefthisstationatthenookofthebridge，limpedforwardwithagraciousair，tookDammitbythehandandshookitcordially，lookingallthewhilestraightupinhisfacewithanairofthemostunadulteratedbenignitywhichitispossibleforthemindofmantoimagine。
“Iamquitesureyouwillwinit，Dammit。”saidhe，withthefrankestofallsmiles，“butweareobligedtohaveatrial，youknow，forthesakeofmereform。”