Ipractisedforsometimebythebordersofawellfrequentedmarsh；
herein，however，havingnoreferencetoasimilarproceedingofDemosthenes，butfromadesignpeculiarlyandconscientiouslymyown。
Thusarmedatallpoints，IdeterminedtomakemywifebelievethatI
wassuddenlysmittenwithapassionforthestage。Inthis，I
succeededtoamiracle；andtoeveryquestionorsuggestionfoundmyselfatlibertytoreplyinmymostfrog-likeandsepulchraltoneswithsomepassagefromthetragedyanyportionofwhich，asIsoontookgreatpleasureinobserving，wouldapplyequallywelltoanyparticularsubject。Itisnottobesupposed，however，thatinthedeliveryofsuchpassagesIwasfoundatalldeficientinthelookingasquinttheshowingmyteeththeworkingmykneestheshufflingmyfeetorinanyofthoseunmentionablegraceswhicharenowjustlyconsideredthecharacteristicsofapopularperformer。
Tobesuretheyspokeofconfiningmeinastrait-jacketbut，goodGod！theyneversuspectedmeofhavinglostmybreath。
Havingatlengthputmyaffairsinorder，Itookmyseatveryearlyonemorninginthemailstagefor，givingittobeunderstood，amongmyacquaintances，thatbusinessofthelastimportancerequiredmyimmediatepersonalattendanceinthatcity。
Thecoachwascrammedtorepletion；butintheuncertaintwilightthefeaturesofmycompanionscouldnotbedistinguished。Withoutmakinganyeffectualresistance，Isufferedmyselftobeplacedbetweentwogentlemenofcolossaldimensions；whileathird，ofasizelarger，requestingpardonforthelibertyhewasabouttotake，threwhimselfuponmybodyatfulllength，andfallingasleepinaninstant，drownedallmygutturalejaculationsforrelief，inasnorewhichwouldhaveputtoblushtheroaringsofthebullofPhalaris。Happilythestateofmyrespiratoryfacultiesrenderedsuffocationanaccidententirelyoutofthequestion。
As，however，thedaybrokemoredistinctlyinourapproachtotheoutskirtsofthecity，mytormentor，arisingandadjustinghisshirt-collar，thankedmeinaveryfriendlymannerformycivility。
SeeingthatIremainedmotionlessallmylimbsweredislocatedandmyheadtwistedononeside，hisapprehensionsbegantobeexcited；
andarousingtherestofthepassengers，hecommunicated，inaverydecidedmanner，hisopinionthatadeadmanhadbeenpalmeduponthemduringthenightforalivingandresponsiblefellow-traveller；heregivingmeathumpontherighteye，bywayofdemonstratingthetruthofhissuggestion。
Hereuponall，oneafteranothertherewerenineincompany，believedittheirdutytopullmebytheear。Ayoungpractisingphysician，too，havingappliedapocket-mirrortomymouth，andfoundmewithoutbreath，theassertionofmypersecutorwaspronouncedatruebill；andthewholepartyexpressedadeterminationtoenduretamelynosuchimpositionsforthefuture，andtoproceednofartherwithanysuchcarcassesforthepresent。
Iwashere，accordingly，thrownoutatthesignofthe“Crow“bywhichtavernthecoachhappenedtobepassing，withoutmeetingwithanyfartheraccidentthanthebreakingofbothmyarms，underthelefthindwheelofthevehicle。Imustbesidesdothedriverthejusticetostatethathedidnotforgettothrowaftermethelargestofmytrunks，which，unfortunatelyfallingonmyhead，fracturedmyskullinamanneratonceinterestingandextraordinary。
Thelandlordofthe“Crow。”whoisahospitableman，findingthatmytrunkcontainedsufficienttoindemnifyhimforanylittletroublehemighttakeinmybehalf，sentforthwithforasurgeonofhisacquaintance，anddeliveredmetohiscarewithabillandreceiptfortendollars。
Thepurchasertookmetohisapartmentsandcommencedoperationsimmediately。Havingcutoffmyears，however，hediscoveredsignsofanimation。Henowrangthebell，andsentforaneighboringapothecarywithwhomtoconsultintheemergency。Incaseofhissuspicionswithregardtomyexistenceprovingultimatelycorrect，he，inthemeantime，madeanincisioninmystomach，andremovedseveralofmyvisceraforprivatedissection。
TheapothecaryhadanideathatIwasactuallydead。ThisideaI
endeavoredtoconfute，kickingandplungingwithallmymight，andmakingthemostfuriouscontortionsfortheoperationsofthesurgeonhad，inameasure，restoredmetothepossessionofmyfaculties。All，however，wasattributedtotheeffectsofanewgalvanicbattery，wherewiththeapothecary，whoisreallyamanofinformation，performedseveralcuriousexperiments，inwhich，frommypersonalshareintheirfulfillment，Icouldnothelpfeelingdeeplyinterested。Itwasacourseofmortificationtome，nevertheless，thatalthoughImadeseveralattemptsatconversation，mypowersofspeechweresoentirelyinabeyance，thatIcouldnotevenopenmymouth；muchless，then，makereplytosomeingeniousbutfancifultheoriesofwhich，underothercircumstances，myminuteacquaintancewiththeHippocratianpathologywouldhaveaffordedmeareadyconfutation。
Notbeingabletoarriveataconclusion，thepractitionersremandedmeforfartherexamination。Iwastakenupintoagarret；andthesurgeon’sladyhavingaccommodatedmewithdrawersandstockings，thesurgeonhimselffastenedmyhands，andtiedupmyjawswithapocket-handkerchiefthenboltedthedoorontheoutsideashehurriedtohisdinner，leavingmealonetosilenceandtomeditation。
InowdiscoveredtomyextremedelightthatIcouldhavespokenhadnotmymouthbeentiedupwiththepocket-handkerchief。Consolingmyselfwiththisreflection，Iwasmentallyrepeatingsomepassagesofthe“OmnipresenceoftheDeity。”asismycustombeforeresigningmyselftosleep，whentwocats，ofagreedyandvituperativeturn，enteringataholeinthewall，leapedupwithaflourishalaCatalani，andalightingoppositeoneanotheronmyvisage，betookthemselvestoindecorouscontentionforthepaltryconsiderationofmynose。
But，asthelossofhisearsprovedthemeansofelevatingtothethroneofCyrus，theMagianorMige-GushofPersia，andasthecuttingoffhisnosegaveZopyruspossessionofBabylon，sothelossofafewouncesofmycountenanceprovedthesalvationofmybody。
Arousedbythepain，andburningwithindignation，Iburst，atasingleeffort，thefasteningsandthebandage。StalkingacrosstheroomIcastaglanceofcontemptatthebelligerents，andthrowingopenthesashtotheirextremehorroranddisappointment，precipitatedmyself，verydexterously，fromthewindow。thismomentpassingfromthecityjailtothescaffolderectedforhisexecutioninthesuburbs。Hisextremeinfirmityandlongcontinuedillhealthhadobtainedhimtheprivilegeofremainingunmanacled；andhabitedinhisgallowscostumeoneverysimilartomyown，helayatfulllengthinthebottomofthehangman’scartwhichhappenedtobeunderthewindowsofthesurgeonatthemomentofmyprecipitation
withoutanyotherguardthanthedriver，whowasasleep，andtworecruitsofthesixthinfantry，whoweredrunk。
Asill-luckwouldhaveit，Ialituponmyfeetwithinthevehicle。
immediately，heboltedoutbehind，andturningdownanalley，wasoutofsightinthetwinklingofaneye。Therecruits，arousedbythebustle，couldnotexactlycomprehendthemeritsofthetransaction。
Seeing，however，aman，theprecisecounterpartofthefelon，standinguprightinthecartbeforetheireyes，theywereofsotheyexpressedthemselves，and，havingcommunicatedthisopiniontooneanother，theytookeachadram，andthenknockedmedownwiththebutt-endsoftheirmuskets。
Itwasnotlongerewearrivedattheplaceofdestination。Ofcoursenothingcouldbesaidinmydefence。Hangingwasmyinevitablefate。
Iresignedmyselftheretowithafeelinghalfstupid，halfacrimonious。Beinglittleofacynic，Ihadallthesentimentsofadog。Thehangman，however，adjustedthenooseaboutmyneck。Thedropfell。
Iforbeartodepictmysensationsuponthegallows；althoughhere，undoubtedly，Icouldspeaktothepoint，anditisatopicuponwhichnothinghasbeenwellsaid。Infact，towriteuponsuchathemeitisnecessarytohavebeenhanged。Everyauthorshouldconfinehimselftomattersofexperience。ThusMarkAntonycomposedatreatiseupongettingdrunk。
Imayjustmention，however，thatdieIdidnot。Mybodywas，butI
hadnobreathtobe，suspended；andbutfortheknotundermyleftearwhichhadthefeelofamilitarystockIdaresaythatIshouldhaveexperiencedverylittleinconvenience。Asforthejerkgiventomyneckuponthefallingofthedrop，itmerelyprovedacorrectivetothetwistaffordedmebythefatgentlemaninthecoach。
Forgoodreasons，however，Ididmybesttogivethecrowdtheworthoftheirtrouble。Myconvulsionsweresaidtobeextraordinary。Myspasmsitwouldhavebeendifficulttobeat。Thepopulaceencored。
Severalgentlemenswooned；andamultitudeofladieswerecarriedhomeinhysterics。Pinxitavailedhimselfoftheopportunitytoretouch，fromasketchtakenuponthespot，hisadmirablepaintingofthe“Marsyasflayedalive。”
WhenIhadaffordedsufficientamusement，itwasthoughtpropertoremovemybodyfromthegallows；thisthemoreespeciallyastherealculprithadinthemeantimebeenretakenandrecognized，afactwhichIwassounluckyasnottoknow。
Muchsympathywas，ofcourse，exercisedinmybehalf，andasnoonemadeclaimtomycorpse，itwasorderedthatIshouldbeinterredinapublicvault。
Here，afterdueinterval，Iwasdeposited。Thesextondeparted，andI
wasleftalone。AlineofMarston’s“Malcontent“-
Death’sagoodfellowandkeepsopenhousestruckmeatthatmomentasapalpablelie。
Iknockedoff，however，thelidofmycoffin，andsteppedout。Theplacewasdreadfullydrearyanddamp，andIbecametroubledwithennui。Bywayofamusement，Ifeltmywayamongthenumerouscoffinsrangedinorderaround。Iliftedthemdown，onebyone，andbreakingopentheirlids，busiedmyselfinspeculationsaboutthemortalitywithin。
“This。”Isoliloquized，tumblingoveracarcass，puffy，bloated，androtund“thishasbeen，nodoubt，ineverysenseoftheword，anunhappyanunfortunateman。Ithasbeenhisterriblelotnottowalkbuttowaddletopassthroughlifenotlikeahumanbeing，butlikeanelephantnotlikeaman，butlikearhinoceros。
“Hisattemptsatgettingonhavebeenmereabortions，andhiscircumgyratoryproceedingsapalpablefailure。Takingastepforward，ithasbeenhismisfortunetotaketwotowardtheright，andthreetowardtheleft。HisstudieshavebeenconfinedtothepoetryofCrabbe。Hecanhavenoideaofthewonderofapirouette。Tohimapasdepapillonhasbeenanabstractconception。Hehasneverascendedthesummitofahill。Hehasneverviewedfromanysteeplethegloriesofametropolis。Heathasbeenhismortalenemy。Inthedog-dayshisdayshavebeenthedaysofadog。Therein，hehasdreamedofflamesandsuffocationofmountainsuponmountains
ofPelionuponOssa。Hewasshortofbreathtosayallinaword，hewasshortofbreath。Hethoughtitextravaganttoplayuponwindinstruments。Hewastheinventorofself-movingfans，wind-sails，andventilators。HepatronizedDuPontthebellows-maker，andhediedmiserablyinattemptingtosmokeacigar。HiswasacaseinwhichI
feeladeepinterestalotinwhichIsincerelysympathize。
“Buthere。”saidI“here“andIdraggedspitefullyfromitsreceptacleagaunt，tallandpeculiar-lookingform，whoseremarkableappearancestruckmewithasenseofunwelcomefamiliarity“hereisawretchentitledtonoearthlycommiseration。”Thussaying，inordertoobtainamoredistinctviewofmysubject，Iappliedmythumbandforefingertoitsnose，andcausingittoassumeasittingpositionupontheground，helditthus，atthelengthofmyarm，whileIcontinuedmysoliloquy-
“Entitled。”Irepeated，“tonoearthlycommiseration。Whoindeedwouldthinkofcompassioningashadow？Besides，hashenothadhisfullshareoftheblessingsofmortality？Hewastheoriginatoroftallmonumentsshot-towerslightning-rodsLombardypoplars。
Histreatiseupon“ShadesandShadows“hasimmortalizedhim。Heeditedwithdistinguishedabilitythelasteditionof“SouthontheBones。”Hewentearlytocollegeandstudiedpneumatics。Hethencamehome，talkedeternally，andplayedupontheFrench-horn。Hepatronizedthebagpipes。CaptainBarclay，whowalkedagainstTime，wouldnotwalkagainsthim。WindhamandAllbreathwerehisfavoritewriters，hisfavoriteartist，Phiz。Hediedgloriouslywhileinhalinggasleviqueflatucorrupitur，likethefamapudicitaeinHieronymus。{*1}Hewasindubitablya“