Frontinghim，sixthlyandlastly，wassituatedasingularlystiff-lookingpersonage，who，beingafflictedwithparalysis，must，tospeakseriously，havefeltveryillateaseinhisunaccommodatinghabiliments。Hewashabited，somewhatuniquely，inanewandhandsomemahoganycoffin。Itstoporhead-piecepressedupontheskullofthewearer，andextendedoveritinthefashionofahood，givingtotheentirefaceanairofindescribableinterest。Arm-holeshadbeencutinthesides，forthesakenotmoreofelegancethanofconvenience；
butthedress，nevertheless，preventeditsproprietorfromsittingaserectashisassociates；andashelayrecliningagainsthistressel，atanangleofforty-fivedegrees，apairofhugegoggleeyesrolleduptheirawfulwhitestowardsthecellinginabsoluteamazementattheirownenormity。
Beforeeachofthepartylayaportionofaskull，whichwasusedasadrinkingcup。Overheadwassuspendedahumanskeleton，bymeansofaropetiedroundoneofthelegsandfastenedtoaringintheceiling。Theotherlimb，confinedbynosuchfetter，stuckofffromthebodyatrightangles，causingthewholelooseandrattlingframetodangleandtwirlaboutatthecapriceofeveryoccasionalpuffofwindwhichfounditswayintotheapartment。Inthecraniumofthishideousthinglayquantityofignitedcharcoal，whichthrewafitfulbutvividlightovertheentirescene；whilecoffins，andotherwaresappertainingtotheshopofanundertaker，werepiledhighuparoundtheroom，andagainstthewindows，preventinganyrayfromescapingintothestreet。
Atsightofthisextraordinaryassembly，andoftheirstillmoreextraordinaryparaphernalia，ourtwoseamendidnotconductthemselveswiththatdegreeofdecorumwhichmighthavebeenexpected。Legs，leaningagainstthewallnearwhichhehappenedtobestanding，droppedhislowerjawstilllowerthanusual，andspreadopenhiseyestotheirfullestextent：whileHughTarpaulin，stoopingdownsoastobringhisnoseuponalevelwiththetable，andspreadingoutapalmuponeitherknee，burstintoalong，loud，andobstreperousroarofveryill-timedandimmoderatelaughter。
Without，however，takingoffenceatbehavioursoexcessivelyrude，thetallpresidentsmiledverygraciouslyupontheintruders
noddedtotheminadignifiedmannerwithhisheadofsableplumes
and，arising，tookeachbyanarm，andledhimtoaseatwhichsomeothersofthecompanyhadplacedinthemeantimeforhisaccommodation。Legstoallthisofferednottheslightestresistance，butsatdownashewasdirected；whiletilegallantHugh，removinghiscoffintresselfromitsstationneartheheadofthetable，tothevicinityofthelittleconsumptiveladyinthewindingsheet，plumpeddownbyhersideinhighglee，andpouringoutaskullofredwine，quaffedittotheirbetteracquaintance。Butatthispresumptionthestiffgentlemaninthecoffinseemedexceedinglynettled；andseriousconsequencesmighthaveensued，hadnotthepresident，rappinguponthetablewithhistruncheon，divertedtheattentionofallpresenttothefollowingspeech：
“Itbecomesourdutyuponthepresenthappyoccasion“
“Avastthere！”interruptedLegs，lookingveryserious，“avastthereabit，Isay，andtelluswhothedevilyeallare，andwhatbusinessyehavehere，riggedofflikethefoulfiends，andswillingthesnugblueruinstowedawayforthewinterbymyhonestshipmate，WillWimbletheundertaker！”
Atthisunpardonablepieceofill-breeding，alltheoriginalcompanyhalfstartedtotheirfeet，andutteredthesamerapidsuccessionofwildfiendishshriekswhichhadbeforecaughttheattentionoftheseamen。Thepresident，however，wasthefirsttorecoverhiscomposure，andatlength，turningtoLegswithgreatdignity，recommenced：
“Mostwillinglywillwegratifyanyreasonablecuriosityonthepartofguestssoillustrious，unbiddenthoughtheybe。KnowthenthatinthesedominionsIammonarch，andhererulewithundividedempireunderthetitleof’KingPesttheFirst。’
“Thisapartment，whichyounodoubtprofanelysupposetobetheshopofWillWimbletheundertakeramanwhomweknownot，andwhoseplebeianappellationhasneverbeforethisnightthwartedourroyalearsthisapartment，Isay，istheDais-ChamberofourPalace，devotedtothecouncilsofourkingdom，andtoothersacredandloftypurposes。
“ThenobleladywhositsoppositeisQueenPest，ourSereneConsort。
Theotherexaltedpersonageswhomyoubeholdareallofourfamily，andweartheinsigniaofthebloodroyalundertherespectivetitlesof’HisGracetheArchDukePest-Iferous’’HisGracetheDukePest-Ilential’’HisGracetheDukeTem-Pest’and’HerSereneHighnesstheArchDuchessAna-Pest。’
“Asregards。”continuedhe，“yourdemandofthebusinessuponwhichwesithereincouncil，wemightbepardonedforreplyingthatitconcerns，andconcernsalone，ourownprivateandregalinterest，andisinnomannerimportanttoanyotherthanourself。Butinconsiderationofthoserightstowhichasguestsandstrangersyoumayfeelyourselvesentitled，wewillfurthermoreexplainthatweareherethisnight，preparedbydeepresearchandaccurateinvestigation，toexamine，analyze，andthoroughlydeterminetheindefinablespirittheincomprehensiblequalitiesandnatureofthoseinestimabletreasuresofthepalate，thewines，ales，andliqueursofthisgoodlymetropolis：bysodoingtoadvancenotmoreourowndesignsthanthetruewelfareofthatunearthlysovereignwhosereignisoverusall，whosedominionsareunlimited，andwhosenameis’Death。’
“WhosenameisDavyJones！”ejaculatedTarpaulin，helpingtheladybyhissidetoaskullofliqueur，andpouringoutasecondforhimself。
“Profanevarlet！”saidthepresident，nowturninghisattentiontotheworthyHugh，“profaneandexecrablewretch！wehavesaid，thatinconsiderationofthoserightswhich，eveninthyfilthyperson，wefeelnoinclinationtoviolate，wehavecondescendedtomakereplytothyrudeandunseasonableinquiries。Wenevertheless，foryourunhallowedintrusionuponourcouncils，believeitourdutytomulcttheeandthycompanionineachagallonofBlackStraphavingimbibedwhichtotheprosperityofourkingdomatasingledraughtanduponyourbendedkneesyeshallbeforthwithfreeeithertoproceeduponyourway，orremainandbeadmittedtotheprivilegesofourtable，accordingtoyourrespectiveandindividualpleasures。”
“Itwouldbeamatterofutterimpossibility。”repliedLegs，whomtheassumptionsanddignityofKingPesttheFirsthadevidentlyinspiredsomefeelingsofrespect，andwhoaroseandsteadiedhimselfbythetableashespoke“Itwould，pleaseyourmajesty，beamatterofutterimpossibilitytostowawayinmyholdevenone-fourthpartofthesameliquorwhichyourmajestyhasjustmentioned。Tosaynothingofthestuffsplacedonboardintheforenoonbywayofballast，andnottomentionthevariousalesandliqueursshippedthiseveningatdifferentsea-ports，Ihave，atpresent，afullcargoof’hummingstuff’takeninanddulypaidforatthesignofthe’JollyTar。’Youwill，therefore，pleaseyourmajesty，besogoodastotakethewillforthedeedforbynomannerofmeanseithercanIorwillI
swallowanotherdropleastofalladropofthatvillainousbilge-waterthatanswerstothehallof’BlackStrap。’“
“Belaythat！”interruptedTarpaulin，astonishednotmoreatthelengthofhiscompanion’sspeechthanatthenatureofhisrefusal
“Belaythatyoutubber！andIsay，Legs，noneofyourpalaver！Myhullisstilllight，althoughIconfessyouyourselfseemtobealittletop-heavy；andasforthematterofyourshareofthecargo，whyratherthanraiseasquallIwouldfindstowageroomforitmyself，but“
“Thisproceeding。”interposedthepresident，“isbynomeansinaccordancewiththetermsofthemulctorsentence，whichisinitsnatureMedian，andnottobealteredorrecalled。Theconditionswehaveimposedmustbefulfilledtotheletter，andthatwithoutamoment’shesitationinfailureofwhichfulfilmentwedecreethatyoudoherebetiedneckandheelstogether，anddulydrownedasrebelsinyonhogsheadofOctoberbeer！”
“Asentence！asentence！arighteousandjustsentence！agloriousdecree！amostworthyandupright，andholycondemnation！”shoutedthePestfamilyaltogether。Thekingelevatedhisforeheadintoinnumerablewrinkles；thegoutylittleoldmanpuffedlikeapairofbellows；theladyofthewindingsheetwavedhernosetoandfro；thegentlemaninthecottondrawersprickeduphisears；sheoftheshroudgaspedlikeadyingfish；andheofthecoffinlookedstiffandrolleduphiseyes。
“Ugh！ugh！ugh！”chuckledTarpaulinwithoutheedingthegeneralexcitation，“ugh！ugh！ugh！ugh！ugh！ugh！ugh！ugh！ugh！I
wassaying。”saidhe，“IwassayingwhenMr。KingPestpokedinhismarlin-spike，thatasforthematteroftwoorthreegallonsmoreorlessofBlackStrap，itwasatrifletoatightsea-boatlikemyselfnotoverstowedbutwhenitcomestodrinkingthehealthoftheDevilwhomGodassoilzieandgoingdownuponmymarrowbonestohisill-favoredmajestythere，whomIknow，aswellasIknowmyselftobeasinner，tobenobodyinthewholeworld，butTimHurlygurlythestage-playerwhy！it’squiteanotherguesssortofathing，andutterlyandaltogetherpastmycomprehension。”
Hewasnotallowedtofinishthisspeechintranquillity。AtthenameTimHurlygurlythewholeassemblyleapedfromtheirnameseats。
“Treason！”shoutedhisMajestyKingPesttheFirst。
“Treason！”saidthelittlemanwiththegout。
“Treason！”screamedtheArchDuchessAna-Pest。
“Treason！”mutteredthegentlemanwithhisjawstiedup。
“Treason！”growledheofthecoffin。
“Treason！treason！”shriekedhermajestyofthemouth；and，seizingbythehinderpartofhisbreechestheunfortunateTarpaulin，whohadjustcommencedpouringoutforhimselfaskullofliqueur，sheliftedhimhighintotheair，andlethimfallwithoutceremonyintothehugeopenpuncheonofhisbelovedale。Bobbingupanddown，forafewseconds，likeanappleinabowloftoddy，he，atlength，finallydisappearedamidthewhirlpooloffoamwhich，inthealreadyeffervescentliquor，hisstruggleseasilysucceededincreating。
Nottamely，however，didthetallseamanbeholdthediscomfitureofhiscompanion。JostlingKingPestthroughtheopentrap，thevaliantLegsslammedthedoordownuponhimwithanoath，andstrodetowardsthecentreoftheroom。Heretearingdowntheskeletonwhichswungoverthetable，helaiditabouthimwithsomuchenergyandgoodwill，that，asthelastglimpsesoflightdiedawaywithintheapartment，hesucceededinknockingoutthebrainsofthelittlegentlemanwiththegout。RushingthenwithallhisforceagainstthefatalhogsheadfullofOctoberaleandHughTarpaulin，herolleditoverandoverinaninstant。Outburstadelugeofliquorsofiercesoimpetuoussooverwhelmingthattheroomwasfloodedfromwalltowalltheloadedtablewasoverturnedthetresselswerethrownupontheirbacksthetubofpunchintothefire-place
andtheladiesintohysterics。Pilesofdeath-furnitureflounderedabout。Jugs，pitchers，andcarboysmingledpromiscuouslyinthemelee，andwickerflagonsencountereddesperatelywithbottlesofjunk。Themanwiththehorrorswasdrowneduponthespot-thelittlestiffgentlemanfloatedoffinhiscoffinandthevictoriousLegs，seizingbythewaistthefatladyintheshroud，rushedoutwithherintothestreet，andmadeabee-lineforthe“FreeandEasy。”
followedundereasysailbytheredoubtableHughTarpaulin，who，havingsneezedthreeorfourtimes，pantedandpuffedafterhimwiththeArchDuchessAna-Pest。
YOUhard-headed，dunder-headed，obstinate，rusty，crusty，musty，fusty，oldsavage！”saidI，infancy，oneafternoon，tomygranduncleRumgudgeonshakingmyfistathiminimagination。
Onlyinimagination。Thefactis，sometrivialdiscrepancydidexist，justthen，betweenwhatIsaidandwhatIhadnotthecouragetosaybetweenwhatIdidandwhatIhadhalfamindtodo。
Theoldporpoise，asIopenedthedrawing-roomdoor，wassittingwithhisfeetuponthemantel-piece，andabumperofportinhispaw，makingstrenuouseffortstoaccomplishtheditty。
Remplistonverrevide！
Videtonverreplein！
“Mydearuncle。”saidI，closingthedoorgently，andapproachinghimwiththeblandestofsmiles，“youarealwayssoverykindandconsiderate，andhaveevincedyourbenevolenceinsomanysoverymanywaysthatthatIfeelIhaveonlytosuggestthislittlepointtoyouoncemoretomakesureofyourfullacquiescence。”
“Hem！”saidhe，“goodboy！goon！”
“Iamsure，mydearestuncle[youconfoundedoldrascal！]，thatyouhavenodesignreally，seriously，toopposemyunionwithKate。Thisismerelyajokeofyours，Iknowha！ha！ha！howverypleasantyouareattimes。”
“Ha！ha！ha！”saidhe，“curseyou！yes！”
“Tobesureofcourse！Iknewyouwerejesting。Now，uncle，allthatKateandmyselfwishatpresent，isthatyouwouldobligeuswithyouradviceasasregardsthetimeyouknow，uncleinshort，whenwillitbemostconvenientforyourself，thattheweddingshallshallcomeoff，youknow？”
“Comeoff，youscoundrel！whatdoyoumeanbythat？Betterwaittillitgoeson。”
“Ha！ha！ha！he！he！he！hi！hi！hi！ho！ho！ho！hu！hu！
hu！-that’sgood！ohthat’scapitalsuchawit！Butallwewantjustnow，youknow，uncle，isthatyouwouldindicatethetimeprecisely。”
“Ah！precisely？”