alittlepromisewhichitisyourintentiontokeep。Ah！letmesee！
Letmeremember！Yes；fulleasilydoIcalltomindtheprecisewordsofthedearpromiseyoumadetoEugenielastnight。Listen！Youspokethus：’Itisdone！itismostcheerfullyagreed！Isacrificeeveryfeelingforyoursake。To-nightIwearthisdeareye-glassasaneye-glass，anduponmyheart；butwiththeearliestdawnofthatmorningwhichgivesmetheprivilegeofcallingyouwife，Iwillplaceituponmyuponmynose，andthereweariteverafterward，inthelessromantic，andlessfashionable，butcertainlyinthemoreserviceable，formwhichyoudesire。’Theseweretheexactwords，mybelovedhusband，weretheynot？”
“Theywere。”Isaid；“youhaveanexcellentmemory；andassuredly，mybeautifulEugenie，thereisnodispositiononmyparttoevadetheperformanceofthetrivialpromisetheyimply。See！Behold！theyarebecomingratheraretheynot？”Andhere，havingarrangedtheglassesintheordinaryformofspectacles，Iappliedthemgingerlyintheirproperposition；whileMadameSimpson，adjustinghercap，andfoldingherarms，satboltuprightinherchair，inasomewhatstiffandprim，andindeed，inasomewhatundignifiedposition。
“Goodnessgraciousme！”Iexclaimed，almostattheveryinstantthattherimofthespectacleshadsettleduponmynose“Mygoodnessgraciousme！why，whatcanbethematterwiththeseglasses？”andtakingthemquicklyoff，Iwipedthemcarefullywithasilkhandkerchief，andadjustedthemagain。
Butif，inthefirstinstance，therehadoccurredsomethingwhichoccasionedmesurprise，inthesecond，thissurprisebecameelevatedintoastonishment；andthisastonishmentwasprofoundwasextreme-
indeedImaysayitwashorrific。What，inthenameofeverythinghideous，didthismean？CouldIbelievemyeyes？couldI？thatwasthequestion。Wasthatwasthatwasthatrouge？Andwerethose-andwerethosewerethosewrinkles，uponthevisageofEugenieLalande？Andoh！Jupiter，andeveryoneofthegodsandgoddesses，littleandbig！whatwhatwhatwhathadbecomeofherteeth？Idashedthespectaclesviolentlytotheground，and，leapingtomyfeet，stooderectinthemiddleofthefloor，confrontingMrs。Simpson，withmyarmsseta-kimbo，andgrinningandfoaming，but，atthesametime，utterlyspeechlesswithterrorandwithrage。
NowIhavealreadysaidthatMadameEugenieLalandethatistosay，SimpsonspoketheEnglishlanguagebutverylittlebetterthanshewroteit，andforthisreasonsheveryproperlyneverattemptedtospeakituponordinaryoccasions。Butragewillcarryaladytoanyextreme；andinthepresentcareitcarriedMrs。Simpsontotheveryextraordinaryextremeofattemptingtoholdaconversationinatonguethatshedidnotaltogetherunderstand。
“Vell，Monsieur。”saidshe，aftersurveyingme，ingreatapparentastonishment，forsomemoments“Vell，Monsieur？andvatden？
vatdematternow？IsitdedanceofdeSaintitussedatyouave？Ifnotlikeme，vatforvybuydepiginthepoke？”
“Youwretch！”saidI，catchingmybreath“youyouyouvillainousoldhag！”
“Ag？ole？menotsoverole，afterall！Menotonesingledaymoredandeeighty-doo。”
“Eighty-two！”Iejaculated，staggeringtothewall“eighty-twohundredthousandbaboons！Theminiaturesaidtwenty-sevenyearsandsevenmonths！”
“Tobesure！datisso！vertrue！butdendeportraitehasbeentakefordesefifty-fiveyear。VenIgomarrymysegondeusbande，MonsieurLalande，atdattimeIhaddeportraitetakeformydaughterbymyfirstusbande，MonsieurMoissart！”
“Moissart！”saidI。
“Yes，Moissart。”saidshe，mimickingmypronunciation，which，tospeakthetruth，wasnoneofthebest，“andvatden？VatyouknowaboutdeMoissart？”
“Nothing，youoldfright！Iknownothingabouthimatall；onlyI
hadanancestorofthatname，onceuponatime。”
“Datname！andvatyouaveforsaytodatname？’Tisvergootname；
andsoisVoissartdatisvergootnametoo。Mydaughter，MademoiselleMoissart，shemarryvonMonsieurVoissart，anddenameisbotverrespectaablename。”
“Moissart？”Iexclaimed，“andVoissart！Why，whatisityoumean？”
“VatImean？ImeanMoissartandVoissart；andfordematterofdat，ImeanCroissartandFroisart，too，ifIonlytinkpropertomeanit。Mydaughter’sdaughter，MademoiselleVoissart，shemarryvonMonsieurCroissart，anddenagain，mydaughter’sgrandedaughter，MademoiselleCroissart，shemarryvonMonsieurFroissart；andI
supposeyousaydatdatisnotvonverrespectaablename-“
“Froissart！”saidI，beginningtofaint，“why，surelyyoudon’tsayMoissart，andVoissart，andCroissart，andFroissart？”
“Yes。”shereplied，leaningfullybackinherchair，andstretchingoutherlowerlimbsatgreatlength；“yes，Moissart，andVoissart，andCroissart，andFroissart。ButMonsieurFroissart，hevasvonverbigvatyoucallfoolhevasvonvergreatbigdoncelikeyourselfforheleflabelleFranceforcometodisstupideAmerique-andvenhegetherehewentandavevonverstupide，vonver，verstupidesonn，soIhear，doughInotyetavaddeplaisirtomeetvidhim
neithermenormycompanion，deMadameStephanieLalande。HeisnamedeNapoleonBonaparteFroissart，andIsupposeyousaydatdat，too，isnotvonverrespectablename。”
Eitherthelengthorthenatureofthisspeech，hadtheeffectofworkingupMrs。Simpsonintoaveryextraordinarypassionindeed；andasshemadeanendofit，withgreatlabor，shelumpedupfromherchairlikesomebodybewitched，droppingupontheflooranentireuniverseofbustleasshelumped。Onceuponherfeet，shegnashedhergums，brandishedherarms，rolleduphersleeves，shookherfistinmyface，andconcludedtheperformancebytearingthecapfromherhead，andwithitanimmensewigofthemostvaluableandbeautifulblackhair，thewholeofwhichshedasheduponthegroundwithayell，andtheretrammpledanddancedafandangouponit，inanabsoluteecstasyandagonyofrage。
MeantimeIsankaghastintothechairwhichshehadvacated。
“MoissartandVoissart！”Irepeated，thoughtfully，asshecutoneofherpigeon-wings，and“CroissartandFroissart！”asshecompletedanother“MoissartandVoissartandCroissartandNapoleonBonaparteFroissart！why，youineffableoldserpent，that’sme
that’smed’yehear？that’sme“hereIscreamedatthetopofmyvoice“that’sme-e-e！IamNapoleonBonaparteFroissart！andifIhavn’tmarriedmygreat，great，grandmother，IwishImaybeeverlastinglyconfounded！”
MadameEugenieLalande，quasiSimpsonformerlyMoissartwas，insoberfact，mygreat，great，grandmother。Inheryouthshehadbeenbeautiful，andevenateighty-two，retainedthemajesticheight，thesculpturalcontourofhead，thefineeyesandtheGreciannoseofhergirlhood。Bytheaidofthese，ofpearl-powder，ofrouge，offalsehair，falseteeth，andfalsetournure，aswellasofthemostskilfulmodistesofParis，shecontrivedtoholdarespectablefootingamongthebeautiesenpeupasseesoftheFrenchmetropolis。Inthisrespect，indeed，shemighthavebeenregardedaslittlelessthantheequalofthecelebratedNinonDeL’Enclos。
Shewasimmenselywealthy，andbeingleft，forthesecondtime，awidowwithoutchildren，shebethoughtherselfofmyexistenceinAmerica，andforthepurposeofmakingmeherheir，paidavisittotheUnitedStates，incompanywithadistantandexceedinglylovelyrelativeofhersecondhusband’saMadameStephanieLalande。
Attheopera，mygreat，great，grandmother’sattentionwasarrestedbymynotice；and，uponsurveyingmethroughhereye-glass，shewasstruckwithacertainfamilyresemblancetoherself。Thusinterested，andknowingthattheheirshesoughtwasactuallyinthecity，shemadeinquiriesofherpartyrespectingme。Thegentlemanwhoattendedherknewmyperson，andtoldherwhoIwas。Theinformationthusobtainedinducedhertorenewherscrutiny；andthisscrutinyitwaswhichsoemboldenedmethatIbehavedintheabsurdmanneralreadydetailed。Shereturnedmybow，however，undertheimpressionthat，bysomeoddaccident，Ihaddiscoveredheridentity。When，deceivedbymyweaknessofvision，andtheartsofthetoilet，inrespecttotheageandcharmsofthestrangelady，IdemandedsoenthusiasticallyofTalbotwhoshewas，heconcludedthatImeanttheyoungerbeauty，asamatterofcourse，andsoinformedme，withperfecttruth，thatshewas“thecelebratedwidow，MadameLalande。”
Inthestreet，nextmorning，mygreat，great，grandmotherencounteredTalbot，anoldParisianacquaintance；andtheconversation，verynaturallyturneduponmyself。Mydeficienciesofvisionwerethenexplained；forthesewerenotorious，althoughIwasentirelyignorantoftheirnotoriety，andmygoodoldrelativediscovered，muchtoherchagrin，thatshehadbeendeceivedinsupposingmeawareofheridentity，andthatIhadbeenmerelymakingafoolofmyselfinmakingopenlove，inatheatre，toanoldwomanunknown。Bywayofpunishingmeforthisimprudence，sheconcoctedwithTalbotaplot。
Hepurposelykeptoutofmywaytoavoidgivingmetheintroduction。
Mystreetinquiriesabout“thelovelywidow，MadameLalande。”weresupposedtorefertotheyoungerlady，ofcourse，andthustheconversationwiththethreegentlemenwhomIencounteredshortlyafterleavingTalbot’shotelwillbeeasilyexplained，asalsotheirallusiontoNinonDeL’Enclos。IhadnoopportunityofseeingMadameLalandecloselyduringdaylight；and，athermusicalsoiree，mysillyweaknessinrefusingtheaidofglasseseffectuallypreventedmefrommakingadiscoveryofherage。When“MadameLalande“wascalledupontosing，theyoungerladywasintended；anditwasshewhoarosetoobeythecall；mygreat，great，grandmother，tofurtherthedeception，arisingatthesamemomentandaccompanyinghertothepianointhemaindrawing-room。HadIdecideduponescortingherthither，ithadbeenherdesigntosuggesttheproprietyofmyremainingwhereIwas；butmyownprudentialviewsrenderedthisunnecessary。ThesongswhichIsomuchadmired，andwhichsoconfirmedmyimpressionoftheyouthofmymistress，wereexecutedbyMadameStephanieLalande。Theeyeglasswaspresentedbywayofaddingareprooftothehoaxastingtotheepigramofthedeception。ItspresentationaffordedanopportunityforthelectureuponaffectationwithwhichIwassoespeciallyedified。Itisalmostsuperfluoustoaddthattheglassesoftheinstrument，aswornbytheoldlady，hadbeenexchangedbyherforapairbetteradaptedtomyyears。Theysuitedme，infact，toaT。
Theclergyman，whomerelypretendedtotiethefatalknot，wasabooncompanionofTalbot’s，andnopriest。Hewasanexcellent“whip。”
however；andhavingdoffedhiscassocktoputonagreat-coat，hedrovethehackwhichconveyedthe“happycouple“outoftown。Talbottookaseatathisside。Thetwoscoundrelswerethus“inatthedeath。”andthroughahalf-openwindowofthebackparloroftheinn，amusedthemselvesingrinningatthedenouementofthedrama。I
believeIshallbeforcedtocallthembothout。
Nevertheless，Iamnotthehusbandofmygreat，great，grandmother；
andthisisareflectionwhichaffordsmeinfiniterelief，butI
amthehusbandofMadameLalandeofMadameStephanieLalande
withwhommygoodoldrelative，besidesmakingmehersoleheirwhenshediesifsheeverdoeshasbeenatthetroubleofconcoctingmeamatch。Inconclusion：Iamdoneforeverwithbilletsdouxandamnevertobemetwithout
ATaleContaininganAllegory。
ThegodsdobearandwillallowinkingsThethingswhichtheyabhorinrascalroutes。
_Buckhurst’sTragedyofFerrexandPorrex。_
ABOUTtwelveo’clock，onenightinthemonthofOctober，andduringthechivalrousreignofthethirdEdward，twoseamenbelongingtothecrewofthe“FreeandEasy。”atradingschoonerplyingbetweenSluysandtheThames，andthenatanchorinthatriver，weremuchastonishedtofindthemselvesseatedinthetap-roomofanale-houseintheparishofSt。Andrews，Londonwhichale-houseboreforsigntheportraitureofa“JollyTar。”
Theroom，althoughill-contrived，smoke-blackened，low-pitched，andineveryotherrespectagreeingwiththegeneralcharacterofsuchplacesattheperiodwas，nevertheless，intheopinionofthegrotesquegroupsscatteredhereandtherewithinit，sufficientlywelladaptedtoitspurpose。
Ofthesegroupsourtwoseamenformed，Ithink，themostinteresting，ifnotthemostconspicuous。
Theonewhoappearedtobetheelder，andwhomhiscompanionaddressedbythecharacteristicappellationof“Legs。”wasatthesametimemuchthetallerofthetwo。Hemighthavemeasuredsixfeetandahalf，andanhabitualstoopintheshouldersseemedtohavebeenthenecessaryconsequenceofanaltitudesoenormous。
Superfluitiesinheightwere，however，morethanaccountedforbydeficienciesinotherrespects。Hewasexceedinglythin；andmight，ashisassociatesasserted，haveanswered，whendrunk，forapennantatthemast-head，or，whensober，haveservedforajib-boom。Butthesejests，andothersofasimilarnature，hadevidentlyproduced，atnotime，anyeffectuponthecachinnatorymusclesofthetar。Withhighcheek-bones，alargehawk-nose，retreatingchin，fallenunder-jaw，andhugeprotrudingwhiteeyes，theexpressionofhiscountenance，althoughtingedwithaspeciesofdoggedindifferencetomattersandthingsingeneral，wasnotthelessutterlysolemnandseriousbeyondallattemptsatimitationordescription。